Author has written 34 stories for NCIS, Bones, Gossip Girl, and Glee.
Sex: no thanks ;)
Location: wouldn't you like to know. Creeper.
Likes: NCIS, Bones, Glee, White
1. If you leave the door open, the iguana might come in
2. Never mess with silver haired snipers
3. Some people are born great, some people have greatness thrust upon them...and some people are DiNozzo
4. Human lie detectors come in nice packages, silver wrapping and are called Gibbs
5. Opportunity is often missed because it is dressed in overalls and looks like hard work. Tony's talent is often missed because it is dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and looks like fun
6. Ask not what the boat in the basement does for you, but what you can do for the boat in the basement
(Tony, standing at Gibbs desk and spinning his chair)
Gibbs: What about your gut?"
Tony: This is so Usual Suspects.
Tony: (carrying a dead rat) Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Films That Take Place on Ships" for 500. Thank you.
Tony: (sings) Ba, ba black ship, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, but in order to see it you're gonna need top secret government clearence.
Tony: Didn't we get our fill of secret agendas and lying and manipulation during the previous administration?
Ziva: Look, I, too, had hoped things would be different by now.
Ziva: I'm wondering why I have a 9 mm hole in my cap?
Tony: My father left me in the Maui Hilton once for two days. He didn't even realize I was missing until he got the room service bill.
Tony: I think you have me confused with someone who is far less awesome.
Tony: Save the pep-talk.We both know I screwed up.
Sacks: Just run through your day.
Tony sits there looking thoughtful
Sacks: Out loud.
Trent Kort: Status on Borealis.
More NCIS quotes
Officer Ziva David: This is not one of your stupid action movies, Tony.
Mossad Liaison Officer Ziva David: Who was that guy?
Tony: So, riddle me this Batgirl. How does one wrangle an invite to dinner at your place?
Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate’s copy of ARES?
(Abby found a small bag of organic greenish powder)
(McGee walks in wearing a boy scout uniform)
Ziva: This is turning into a circus.
Tony: Paris. That's when it must have happened.
Security Officer: (speaking into his radio) Central? Got two suspects claiming to be Feds.
Tony: (glances at the radio) No little red light on the radio mean radio not working.
Tony: Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Tony: Upon seeing the name of the park's general store Jackrabbit Slim's?
Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?
Tony: pauses, giving her an odd look You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.
Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!
Ziva:That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t want him to think I’m sleazy.
Tony: That term is "easy."
Ziva: What's the difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup
Tony: “Mother! Blood, blood.”
Tony: First the plague, now radiation poisoning. I'm starting to think someone really has it in for me.
DiNozzo: We got nothing.
Ziva: For my sanity, can you not call me Probie?
(about McGee's apartment) George Clooney could not get laid in this place!"
(Tony and Ziva are at dinner. They are in contact with the rest of the team through earwigs)
Ziva: Why don't I think what she said is a good thing?
(Tony is talking about a movie.)
Bashan: Did you or did you not sleep with him?
Tony: Where is the money? (going to Ziva desk) Ah! Maybe in Siri's engagement ring. I got to bring this down to Abby.
Ziva: Straight to voicemail..like always when he's with her!
Love is like war: easy to begin, hard to end
Prince charming doesn't exist, it's all a lie, just like a fairy tale.
It’s overused. It’s a cliché. It’s corny. It’s just a line. It’s illogical. It’s troublesome. It’s always too abrupt. It’s never on cue. It’s difficult to say. It will be held against you. It’s too bold. It’s often quite pathetic. It’s amazing how, after everything, I love you still works.
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, ‘it might have been’.
She wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps. Or maybe a quiet, heartfelt conversation into the wee hours of the night. Or perhaps something as simple as not being second.
I think we spend too much time wondering why we’re not good enough. We spend too much time over analyzing, over-thinking, and overreacting. We waste too much time putting ourselves down, so much that we don’t ever stop to see that well, we are good enough. You are good enough. Always remember that.
It’s not that easy to win over a girl’s heart. You can’t just look into her eyes and say ‘I love you’ and think she’ll instantly fall in love with you. You have to get to know her and show that you love her just the way she is. You have to be able to handle her when she’s mad, comfort her when she’s sad, and leave her be when she’s feeling independent. You don’t have to buy her the most expensive gifts all the time; as long as you mean everything you say and keep all the promises you make, you’ll be okay. So don’t rush things, take your time. and when you finally do tell her that you love her, make sure you truly mean it. Because chances are she needs another broken heart like you need a hole in the head.
"Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend."~Sarah Dessen
"Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you."~Sarah Dessen
I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.
If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.
There are so many girls, and so few princes.
The main problem with teenagers is that they're just like their parents were at their age. - Unknown
It is hard to convince a high-school student that he will encounter a lot of problems more difficult than those of algebra and geometry. - Edgar W. Howe
It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.
"What is family? They were the people who claimed you. In good, in bad, in parts or in whole, they were the ones who showed up, who stayed in there, regardless. It wasn't just about blood relations or shared chromosomes, but something wider, bigger. We had many families over time. Our family of origin, the family we created, and the groups you moved through while all of this was happening: friends, lovers, sometimes even strangers. None of them perfect, and we couldn't expect them to be. You can't make any one person your world. The trick was to take what each could give you and build your world from it."~Sarah Dessen
"You know, when it works, love is pretty amazing. It's not overrated. There's a reason for all those songs."~SD
Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
Never, ever underestimate the power of 'I'd like that.” John Mayer
"I only hope that we don't lose sight of one thing - that it was all started by a mouse." ~Walt Disney
Remember kid, there's heroes and there's legends. Heroes get remembered but legends never die, follow your heart kid, and you'll never go wrong.- The Sandlot (one of my favorite movies)
Let me tell you something kid; Everybody gets one chance to do something great. Most people never take the chance, either because they're too scared, or they don't recognize it when it spits on their shoes. - The Sandlot
"The boys are expected to do. Accomplish something. Seek adventure. Sure, they study for careers now, but what are girls still expected to seek? Boys. Boys get mountains, girls get boys."
"A man's identity is complete through action, a woman's, when she has a man. Through him. We fall off our high heels into the narrow crevasse of what it means to be female...You fall in love and you think you're finding yourself. But too often you're looking inside him for you, and that's a fact. There's only one place you can find yourself." She patted her chest.
"A lady I may be, but a man's accessory, his handbag, no thank you. I will not just be someone's honey, baby, sweetheart"
When all is said and done, more is said than done
Beat the 5 o'clock rush - Leave work at noon.
A day without sunshine is called night.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.
Advice is what people ask for when they know the answer but wish they didn't.
-BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom.
No matter how much you care, some people are just jackasses.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
There is a fine line between genius and insanity.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster then the police do.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
Don’t take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway
Lately the only thing keeping me from becoming a serial killer is my dislike for manual labor
Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again
No matter how much cats fight there always seem to be kittens
Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards
Life isn't measured by the number of breaths we take but by the number of moments that take our breath away
I was born intelligent but education ruined me
It is better to have loved and lost than to have not loved at all
Hope is never lost, only found
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up
People may not remember what you said, but they will always remember how you made them feel
Always give 100% at work: 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, and 5% on Friday.
If you're not living on the edge you're taking up to much space.
An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'
You know the speed of light, so what's the speed of dark?
Man walks into a bar and says ow...
"behind every successful woman there is a man staring at her ass"~ Rory Davis
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I killed because they were annoying.
A glow worm is never glum… Because, how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
don't talk to strangers... yell at them it's more fun!
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age. --Robert Frost
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of. --Burt Bacharach
The early bird may get the worm... but the second mouse gets the cheese
No one will ever win the battle of the sexes, there is too much fraternizing with the enemy.
There are three kinds of people: Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
I agree with the dictionary. girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I'm not closed minded, you're just wrong
I met some crazy people, they made my their leader.
I'm not afraid of death, what's it going to do? Kill me?!
"I'm going to live life or die trying"
If there's no stupid questions, then what questions do stupid people ask, do they get smart just in time to ask questions?
Help I've fallen and can't get... Hey... Nice carpet
didn’t say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.
I'll smile for now, but i'm going to kill you later.
I try to take it one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.
Sometimes I lie awake wondering: "is life a multiple choice test, or a true/false test?"
Then a voice comes out of the darkness and says: "Sorry to tell you this, but life is a hundred-page essay."
Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a nice, normal family.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonades are really going to suck.
Its better to lose a lover than to love a loser.
Even if the voices are not real they have pretty good ideas.
If at first you don't succeed, lion taming is not for you!
I used up all my sick days, so i'm calling in dead instead.
Sarcastic? Me? Of course not. I'm far to ditzy to understand the complexities of mockery.
If my music is too loud, I shouldn't be able to hear you complaining.
Take my hand; Let's get famous
Life is my overdose and it’s taking me down as good as any drug.
Suicide Hotline... Please hold.
Sure there have been deaths and injuries in kick-boxing- but none of them serious.
Love is not blind, but a fool, a stumbling mess falling backwards through showroom doors into atmospheres unwelcoming of his presence.
It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn.
I hate it when the voices and my imaginary friends fight.
Have you seen my mind? I seem to have lost it.
If all else fails, try reading the instructions.
I'm not clumsy... The floor just hates me.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
My imaginary friend thinks you have a very serious problem...
Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.
When in danger, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
Remember: Some people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a life time commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
"Yesterday is history, Tomorrow is a mystery, but today. Today is a gift. That is why they call it the present."
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard
Quotes from Bones
Brennan: If you drive one more block, I'm screaming kidnap out the window
Angela: We are way past where Jesus lost his sandals
Booth: You know what? If this is fatal, I will shoot both of you
Angela: I'm going to hell, aren't I?
Booth: Here we are, all of us. Basically alone, seperate creatures, just circling eachother. All searching for the slightest hint of a real connection. Some look in the wrong places, some they just give up hope because in their mind they're thinking "Oh, there's nobody out there for me." But all of us, we keep trying over and over again. Why? Because every once in awhile, every once in awhile, two people meet and there's that spark. And yes, Bones, he's handsome, and she's beautiful, and maybe that's all they see at first. But making love... making love... that's when two people become one.
Brennan: It's a Halloween party. We could be Wonder Woman and, what's Superman's secret identity?
Sweets: Really? It's awesome! It's like the Sith Lords, man. There's always only two of them.
Bones: "You're gonna make me fall!"
Booth: Bones. What are you doing on the ice?
BOOTH: By the way, 90% of the world believes in God.
(Booth is helping Bones make "an official request to the FBI to be allowed to carry a concealed weapon")
Dr. Zach Addy: I'm king of the looney bin.
(Bones is pushing a boxer-only clad Booth across the lab on a metal table)
(The murderer starts chanting voodoo spells. Brennan steps forward and pokes him in the eye)
Booth: (after accessing some files with Cam's password; to Brennan) I know your password too. It's daffodil.
Cam: Hey, Hodge-Podge, all engines reverse. First we identify beyond a shadow of a doubt. Then we get paranoid
Booth: Okay, could we just stop bringing up the whole Christ myth thing? Some people believe it's more than just a myth
(Zack and Bones attempt to fist bump, and end up deconstructing the whole concept)
Zack: I will be the back end of a cow.
"Elephants are not purple, this is wrong." - Brennan, (Bones: The Baby in the Bough)
Camille: My advice for what it's worth. Forget the bruised brain and go with the lion heart.
Brennan: Now you're a mind reader?
Hodgins: I recognize that look.
Booth: Bones, it's after midnight. Hm? Christmas Eve day. Both an eve and a day, it's a Christmas miracle!
Angela: Can I as the only normal person here say "eww?"
Brennan: I hate it when you make paranoia plausable, it's like sliding off a cliff.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.
It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.
Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"
"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."
"Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug."
"Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it."
"Happiness is your dentist telling you “it won't hurt a bit,” and then he catches his hand in the drill."
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.
You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.
The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe.
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
SARCASM is just another free service I offer.
I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I just don't show up.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Education is important; school however, is another matter.
I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.
I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?
Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that.
“I am sick of people having a near death experience and saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That’s not GOD…it’s a MAGLIGHT!”
So what I’ve got a smile on, but it’s hiding the quiet superstitions in my head.
Yes I may be smiling, but I’m secretly laughing at your face.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
Do not disturb I’m disturbed enough already
- If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. ~ Paul Beatly
Man invented language to satisfy his need to complain ~ Lily Tomlin
- Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you're stupid; Open it and you'll remove all doubt.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Life is wonderful. Without it, you wouldn't know me.
Paranoia: A healthy understanding of the nature of the universe.
Marriage is grand - and divorce is about 10 grand.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Plan to be spontaneous. tomorrow.
Earth is full. Go home.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Bite off more than you can chew, then chew it.
The most successful people are those who are good at plan B.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together."
There are three sides of an argument -- your side, my side and the right side.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house."
"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe."
A sane mind is a boring one.
I admit I'm insane, but at least I'm at a normal level.
Simple mind equals simple pleasures.
Oh, but over the rainbow isn't a good thing. I'm afraid of heights.
"I think God has a wicked sense of humor." "Yeah, and some narc. tendencies."
If you think things can't get worse, it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried taking candy from a baby.
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.
"A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." ~Herm Albright
I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
Sometimes I wonder 'why is the Frisbee getting bigger?' then it hits me.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.
Life was so simple when boys had cooties!
I ran with scissors, and lived!
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
You don't have to be faster than the bear; you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. Just drink it and get it over with!
You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
Forecast for tonight: darkness
On those restaurant signs that say 'No shirt, no shoes, no service,' does that mean you can wear a shirt and shoes, but no pants, and they have to serve you?
I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes
We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.
PMS: Every woman's legal right to be a bitch.
Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
I know KUNG-FU and 42 other dangerous words
I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday
Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable; like a coma?
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don 't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were raised in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
Most Important Rules of Life You NEED to Know
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
1 4. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a chocolate bar in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it’s full potential, that word would be ‘meetings’.
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
Stupidest Last Words In The History Of Mankind:
What does this button do?
It's probably just a rash.
Are you sure the power is off?
The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
Which wire was I supposed to cut?
I wonder where the mother bear is.
I've seen this done on TV.
These are the good kind of mushrooms.
It's strong enough for both of us.
This doesn't taste right.
I can do that with my eyes closed.
I've done this before.
Well, we've made it this far.
I'll just put my head in it to make sure.
Don't be so superstitious.
Now watch this.
Look Ma! No Hands!
Don't worry, it's not contagious.
Of course it's safe.
It can't get any worse...
There's only one way to find out!
"I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash
the only reason i'm here is because Heaven wouldn't have me and Hell was afraid i'd take over.
You say Psycho like it's a bad thing...
I intend to live forever, so far so good.
Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again.
You're awesome... but when the zombies come, i'm tripping you.
I am not weird...just plotting.
Smile; it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!
Silent is golden but duct tape is silver
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a U-turn
LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
16. A calendar's days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
"There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over."
"My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time."
"Dream as if you'll live forever... Live as if you die today."
"Don't get mad; get sadistic."
"Common sense is the enemy of comedy."
"Sarcasm isn't an attitude, it's an ART."
"Knowledge is power; power is the root of all-evil. Therefore studying is evil."
"I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it!"
"You know what?! Earth sucks, I'm going home."
"What is this 'kindness' you speak of?"
"Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking."
"They say 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people."
"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't."
"Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool."
"The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong."
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer."
"A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."
"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."
"A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well."
"When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty"
"I'm a lover, not a fighter, but I'll fight for what I love"-Unknown
"You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have"-Unknown
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass it's about learning to dance in the rain" - Unknown.
Rule # 1: Never let suspects stay together.
Rule # 2: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
Rule # 3: Never be unreachable.
Rule # 4: Best way to keep a secret is to keep it to yourself. The second-best is to tell one other person if you must. There is no third-best.
Rule # 5: never screw over your partner
Rule # 6: don’t apologize, it’s a sign of weakness
Rule # 7: always be specific when you lie
Rule # 8: Never take anything for granted.
Rule # 9: always carry your knife.
Rule # 10: Don't believe what you're told. Double check.
Rule # 11: when the job’s done, walk away
Rule # 12: never date a coworker
Rule # 13: never involve lawyers
Rule # 15: always work as a team
Rule #18: It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission.
Rule # 22: never, ever interrupt Gibbs in interrogation.
Rule # 23: Never mess with a marine’s coffee if you want to live
Rule # 27: never eat in autopsy
Rule # 37: always anticipate
Rule # 38: your case, your lead
Rule # 40: if it seems like somebody's out to get you, they probably are
Rule # 51: sometimes you're wrong
People fear the strange and unusual. I am the strange and unusual.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
Smile. It confuses people.
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
It's always darkest before it turns absolutely pitch black.
-"I'm going to try to be me, whoever that is..."
I’ve got problem for your solution…
All people have the right to stupidity but some abuse the privilege.
You can’t be late until you show up.
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
Experience is the name so many people give to their mistakes.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way; wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
Fiction writing is great; you can make up almost anything.
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why the heck are YOU scared?!
Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still like you.
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
Your friends are what will matter in the end.
Don't be so humble - you're not that great.
It is time that I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from many.
Tell the truth and run
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Psychology. Mind over matter? Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.
Let's flip a coin. Heads, we’ll be together, tails, we'll flip again.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Don't frown, even when you're sad, someone could be falling in love with your smile.
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
Some minds are like concrete, thoroughly mixed and permanently set.
A smile is the shortest distance between two people
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.~ Mark Twain
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.
Of course I'm talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.
Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?
Don’t mess with me I've got a stick
My favorite word is sarcasm.
Normal is just a setting on washing machines.
I would be more scared if you were aiming for the person next to me
If you don't like me, there is nothing I can do. Here's a newsflash Honey, I don't live to please you.
We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really good at one thing, staying strong.
What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side
I like you. People say I’ve got no taste, but I like you.
Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.
We are responsible for what we do unless we are celebrities.
A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it.
"When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets."
"I can't die, because I'm the main character of my own life."
I took the road less traveled... and got really freaking lost
I sit in the corner as America flips the political table, gets the fight really heated, and slowly backs out of the bar.
You have to think outside the cardboard cube.
You, off my planet!
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging!
The optimist proclaims we live in the best of all possible worlds; the pessimist fears it is true.
In a dog-eat-dog world the best thing to do is become a cat.
Goldfish have the memory span of 3 seconds; sometimes I have to wonder if I’m a goldfish
Rules are like paperclips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape.
I hit rock bottom. Then I start digging.
I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay!
When life gives you oranges, throw them back and ask why everyone else got lemons.
Those of you who think you know everything annoy those of us that do.
The joy of boredom!
Are you INSANE! ...no wait that's me.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one...
If you’re walking on thin ice, you might as well dance
I'm worse than evil, I'm the author.
If you come looking for trouble, you'll find it.
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Right now I am having amnesia and deja vu at the same time; I think I've forgotten this before.
To Every Girl:
To every girl that is SCARED to put her heart out there again, because she has been HURT too many times or so badly.
To every girl that has been cheated on, because she's not a slut who gives it up to any guy.
To every girl that dresses cute, not skanky
To every girl who wants to be called beautiful, not hot.
To every girl that will spend her whole day looking for the perfect present for you.
To every girl who gets her heart broken, because he chose that bitch instead.
To every girl that would die to have a decent boyfriend.
To every girl who would just once like to be treated like a princess.
To every girl that cries at night because of another heartbreak.
To every girl that won't get down on her knees & open her mouth just to get a boyfriend.
To every girl that just wants to hold hands.
To every girl that kisses him with meaning.
To every girl who just wishes he cared more.
To every girl who would just once want a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.
To every girl who just wants him to call.
To every girl who lies awake at night thinking about him
To every girl who shows how much she cares and gets nothing back.
To every girl that thought "maybe this one could be the one."
To every girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it is funny.
To every girl who is just looking for that one and only, and is having a rough time along the way.
To every girl that doesn't want a guy who just plays with her emotions but actually cares about how she feels.
To every girl who wants words backed up with actions.
To every girl that fell for all the lies only to find themselves alone in the end.
To every girl that gave her heart away to have it shoved back in her face. Never again
To every girl that has faith that "tomorrow will be a better day." And it will be
...For all children grow up. Except one. (Peter Pan, the book)