SpenceSince1993
hide bio
PM . Follow . Favorite
beta: β Beta Profile
Joined 11-05-09, id: 2137268, Profile Updated: 03-09-10
Author has written 13 stories for Twilight, and Harry Potter.

Name: Spencer

Nicknames: Spence, Blondie

Favourite Food: Tacos and Nachos

Favourite Subject: Art, Math and L.A.

Hobby's: Reading, Writing, Hanging out with my mates, listening to music.

Worst Fear: Not Living and What Tomorrow Brings.

Origin: German, Ukraine, Russian, Irish and Polish

Favourite Bands: Linkin Park, Paramore, Evanescence, The Fray, Pink, Three Days Grace and August Burns Red.

Hair Colour: Dirty Blond

Eye Colour: Blue and Green.

have you done any of the following? if not, you better get started:)
1)Ways to Torture the Pizza Guy
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese.
Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
2. Stare at someone's feet and yell "STOP STEPPING ON THE MINI DWARF PEOPLE."
3. Say hi to someone you never met before and pretend you know them.
5. Pretend you don't know how to use the vending machine...don't put money in it and yell at it when it doesn't give you anything.
6. Draw a dollar on a white piece of paper and put it into the vending machine and expect it to work.
7. Call a teacher "mom or dad" for a week and then act as if nothing happened.
8. Keep falling on purpose in the hallways.
9. When going to class, walk real slow so the person behind you gets annoyed.
10. Laugh obnoxiously while looking at someone.
11. In Chorus, Band, or Orchestra play off-key on purpose.
12. Start crying when the teacher says you got the answer wrong.
13. Start crying when there is too much noise, when someone asks you whats wrong say "there is too much noise."
14. Write the teacher love notes.
15. Act as if you are in shock, when someone asks "are you ok?"..say."i see dead people."
16. For a whole day say nothing but, "Fairy God Parents"
17. Go to the principles office and giggle after every word you say and look at the principle suggestively.
18. Take random pictures of people you dont know and yell at them saying "i knew you did it and now i have proof".
19. Go to random people and ask for directions on where to go and ask the same person again after every two seconds, but act as if you were asking for the first time.
20. Stalk someone and make it noticeable.
21.If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
22.Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
23.Name your dog "Dog."
24.Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
25.Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
26.Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
27.Tell 1-800 operators they sound gay and ask for a date.
28.Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
29.Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
30.Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
31.Move "wet floor" signs to carpeted areas.
32.Challenge people to shopping cart races.
33.Go into the canned goods aisle, and make towers of Spaghettio's in the middle of the floor.
34.Take things from people's carts, and write IOU notes.
35.Go to the checkout line, and when it's your turn, order a cheeseburger with fries. Refuse to move until your demands are met.
36.Put up fake sale signs, and insist that you shoud get money off.
37.Demand to see the manager, and when he/she comes, request a song to be played over the intercom system.
38.Spray people with air fresheners in the cleaning aisle.
39.Buy two lobsters, and let them go on the floor. Take bets on which one will win the lobster race.
40.Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If someone comes up to you, order a martini while fanning yourself.
41.Stand in front of a security camera, and give a news report. Drag peple over to be interviewed.
42.Go up to the clerk, say "code Red" and see what they do.
43.Put "reserved" signs in the checkout lanes when you first come in, so that people won't take your spot on line.Then throw a tantrum is they do.
44.If the meat section serves people using numbered papers, pull all the numbers out of the dispensor and for each number, order one thin slice of ham. Have each of your orders packaged separately.
45.When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
46.Stand between the automatic doors, and scream when they start to close. Repeat.
47.Walk behind someone as their advisor, making comments on everything they pick up.
48.Go to the candy aisle, and if a fat person starts to pick up some, shake your head sadly.
In an aeroplane:
49.Act like a movie star.
50.Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)
51.Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers, Or any other religion.
52.Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here..."
53.Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom.
54.Call the stewardess "nurse".
55.Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.
56.Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.
57.During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers.
58.Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die.
59.Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.
60.Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.(I actually advise u not to try this)
61.Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".
62.Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.
63.Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".
64.Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?".then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.
65.If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.
66.Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"
67.Lead a revolt against the first class passengers.
68.Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"
69.Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends.
70.Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.
71.Pretend you're flying the plane.
72.Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.
73.Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.
74.Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.
75.With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands.
At an amusement park:
76.Don't move with the line so that huge gaps form in front of you.
77.Wear a life preserver on to the water rides.
78.Begin to cry when they start the merry-go-round and have them stop it because you're too scared to go all the way.
79.Demand that you be measured for each and every ride you go on (especially if you're tall), just to make sure that you are tall enough and won't get hurt.
80.Offer people Monopoly cash for their places in line.
81.Don't put your lap bar down or buckle your seat belt. Make the attendant do it.
82.Tell people on line that they can't go on the ride because the sign said "Excessively overweight persons should not ride this attraction."
83.Everytime you pass a chain restraint not in use, clip it on and use it to hold back the people behind you in line.
84.Find someone and tell them that you're lost, and beg them to hold your hand until your parents show up.
85.Make a fake fast pass even if the park you're at doesn't sell them, and cut to the front of the line, waving it around.
86. Start a game of telephone while on line.
87.Go into the house of mirrors, and then tell people to hold hands and form a chain so that no one gets lost.
88.Jump into the fountains to steal all the money.
89.Dress up as a character, and while you're walking around curse out any little kid that wants to hug you.
90.If someone is buying their ride pictures, tell the seller that you would like a copy of their picture too.
91.Push the last person in line, and watch everyone fall over like dominoes.
92.Sit next to a random stranger on a roller coaster, and scream hysterically while you're going up a hill at 5mph. 93.Repeat everything someone says as a question.
94.Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's road maps.
95.Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination, UFO, and OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
96.Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?", "What?", "Never mind, it's gone now."
97.Light road flares on a birthday cake.
98. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
99.At the Laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
100.Ask people what gender they are.
101.Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
102.Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
103.Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
104.Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
105.Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
106.Wear a lot of cologne.(Some guys do this anyways)
107.Mow your lawn with scissors.
108.Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
109.Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times
110.Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
111.Make appointments for the 31st of September.
112.Invite lots of people to other people's parties.(People also do this)
113.Practice making fax and modem noises.
114.Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
115.Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
116.Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
117.Staple papers in the middle of the page.
118.Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
119.Honk and wave to strangers.
120.Put ur Msn status as 'Busy'. (Yes, people get annoyed by this)
121.TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE
122.As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
123.Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
124.Tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.
125.Drum on every available surface.
126.Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
127.Set alarms for random times.
128.Learn Morse code and have conversations with friends in public consisting of "Beeeep bip bip beeeep bip.."
129.Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
130.Leave your Nine Inch Nails tape in Great Uncle Ed's stereo, with the volume properly adjusted.(Make sure you have the ambulance number nearby)
131.Wear your pants backwards.
132. Begin all your sentences with "Ohh la la!"
133.Pay for your dinner with pennies.
134.Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
135.Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
136.Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
137.Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
138.Drive half a block.
139.Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
140."Forget" the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
141.Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
142.Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar," or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
143.Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
144.Ask to "interface" with someone.
145.Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
146.Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
147.Never make eye contact.
148.Never break eye contact.
149.Say "okay, you're gay" to anything someone says.
150.As people talk, smell their shoulders.
151.When in a conversation, look out the window, then say "Wait, start over. I wasn't paying attention."
152.Say to people, "Did you wear deodorant today?"
153.When talking to someone, look at a spot about two inches to their right.
154.When standing near a "high-class person," ask them, "Excuse me, but do I have a booger hanging on my nose? I thought I picked it off."
155.Switch your neighbor's lawn furniture with someone else's.
156.Call into work and tell them you have something better to do today.
157.Buy goldfish and ask the clerk if they come with chips.
158.Sample every flavor of ice cream and tell the clerk what you don't like about each one.
159.Pick your ear wax and ask if you could use their sleeve to wipe it off.
160.Insist completely ridiculous things are true - like Bush is still President.
In an elevatorEvil grin:
161.Act like a dog, growl at people.
162.Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
163.Apply dripping red paint around the edge of the roof hatch. When someone enters, look upwards and whisper "I think they want in..."
164.Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them. Press the wrong ones.
165.Ask someone to take your temperature, then turn around and bend over.
166.Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
167.Attempt to hypnotize the other passengers.
168.Bring a chair along
169.Bring easy math flash cards on the elevator and ask the person next to you to help you study them (get them wrong).
170.Burp, and then say “mmmm...tasty!” (People do this anyways)
171.Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it. (I do that, Muhahaha ahem anyways...)
172.Call the psychic hotline from you cell phone, and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
173.Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
174.Stare at your hands and Keep saying 'Strangers hands' Then Stare at a pasanger.
175.Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
176.Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
177.Collect an elevator tax.
178.Turn around with your back to the door and glare at everyone.
179.Whisper to the buttons, 'First floor please'
180. Stare at your thumb and exclaim, 'I think its growing!'
181. Scream when going down.
182.Count down from 100,000 out loud.
183. Make a ticking noise, Look around trying to find the source, make the ticking faster as you put your ear against the passangers chest, stand straight glare at the passanger and shake your head.(By yours truly)
184.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
185.Do Tai Chi exercises.
186.Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
187.Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball! (If one of you dont understand this-watch cast away)
188.Dress as a clergy member of the opposite sex.
189.Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
190.Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
191.Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
192.Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
193.As a person enters, go real close and whispes, 'You Do know what people do in elevators, right?' and smile sugestively.(Do this preferably with the same sex)
194.Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
195.Greet everyone with a smile and a handshake, then ignore them.
196.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
197.Guard the button panel so no one can touch it. Growl and bite at anyone’s fingers who attept to cross you.
198.Have a picnic in the elevator.
199.Have a seizure then when the elevator stops, get up, and pretend nothing happened. Repeat.
200.Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
201. When making a left turn, purposefully pull out into the street, using your car to block all incoming traffic until somebody let's you in on the other side. It works brilliantly!
202. go to wal mart and secretly slip 24 pack condoms into peoples carts.
oh u shud add
203...pick up the phone...dial any random number...when sum1 picks up the phone...tell em the "please leave a msg afta the beep"...
204Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more
205Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream 'that's mine'
206Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
207 Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
208 When the doors close, announce to the others, 'It's okay, don't panic, they open again.'
209 Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button. Then look disapointed when nothing happens.
210 burp into a random person's ear
211 Yell across a crowded room to them: "Hey, John, the results came
back from the V.D. clinic: we're clean!"
212 When somebody asks, "Hey, did you get a haircut?" reply, "No, all
of them."
213 Pull up alongside somebody while driving on the freeway, and
gesture violently, indicating that they should pull over
immediately. When they pull over, just continue driving.
214 Play 'Penis.'
215 After somebody finishes telling a joke, say in a very grave tone,
"My brother (sister/mother/father) died that way."
216 Walk up behind somebody wearing a button down shirt or a short
sleeved collar shirt, insert your finger into the little strip of
fabric sewn across the top just below the collar, yell "FAG TAG!"
at the top of your lungs, and rip it off.
217 Pay for a tube of toothpaste with a check at the supermarket.
218 Send a letter with twenty-nine one cent stamps.
219 When someone asks, "Are there any questions?" ask, "Where do
babies come from?"
220 Take their hat
221 Grab a book that someone is reading, open it to the last page, and
read this out loud.
222 Take an envelope, fill it with baking powder or flour, and send it
to somebody.
223 Pay for an item at a store with all pennies. Count them slowly, then when you have a few more pennies, drop them, appologise profusely and start counting again, repeat, if necesary.
224 At a red light, put your car in gear and creep slowly forward,
while gesturing to the person in the car next to you that they
must be rolling backwards.
225 Tailgating can be one of the most effective forms of annoyance
know to man.
226 Walk up to someone you know, and say something to the effect of,
"Hey, did you hear what happened to insert name here? Well he/she was with...oh,
man, I really shouldn't tell you this. No, I promised I wouldn't
tell. No, I can't tell you, sorry."
227 When they are out of their room, move everything they own to a
different location.
228 Change all the preset stations on their car radio tuner to
classical and country/western stations.
229 At a movie theater, unwrap a candy bar as loudly as is humanly
possible, preferably during dialogue.
230 Take off the letters one of those sign boards that have the
removable letters. Spell rude things with them.
231 Answer the phone "Domino's Pizza, how can I help you?" at someone
else's house. Or at your own house, if you really want.
232 At night, rearrange somebody's furniture. At the very least,
they'll be surprised when they get up in the morning. But, better
yet, call them in the middle of the night, so they have to get up,
and stumble over a chair that wasn't there before.
233 As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
234 Go to a grocery store and stare at the rows of candy in the checkout line. When someone tries to pass you yell at them that you were first. After a while take a piece of candy and pay for it with a credit card and tell the clerk you forgot your pin number
235 walk up to a random person and just start talking about how annoying your family is. if they try to walk away, just follow them and keep talking. always funny. oh, and make sure it's not like an old lady who'll return the favor.
236 on the main street in town, or in a mall or something, look for someone fairly far away who isnt about to go into a shop. then run after them screaming "JESUS! JESUS! SAVE ME JESUS!" and spear tackle them when you finally reach them. even better if they have lots of shopping
237 when sitting behind somone, sniff them every 10 or 15 seconds, if they look back, sniff yourself then look at them suspiciously

Effective Ways On How To Annoy/Scare/Weird Out The Living Daylights Outta People (on elevators, in computer labs, etc.)

1. Repeat everything the person says in a question.
2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World." incessantly.
3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
4. Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh no, not now, damn motion sickness!"
11. Meow occasionally.
12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
18. Say, "I wonder what all these do." and push the red buttons.
19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.
25. Ask every passenger that goes up if you can press the button for them.
26. Log on to a computer, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream: "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
27. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
28. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the dang thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
29. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
30. Bring a chain saw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
31. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
32. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
33. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, and then when it's all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
34. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
35. Send e-mails constantly to the person next to you.
36. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
37. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
38. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
39. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
40. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
41. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
42. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
43. Swat at flies that don't exist.
44. Dance, while drumming noisily against the walls.
45. Lay in the elevator in a sleeping bag with your pillow in your pajamas with one of those eye mask things on, and pretend to be asleep and snore loudly.

THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in house wares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

17. Throw skittles at people and yell, "Taste the rainbow!'

18. Go the toy section, get a light-saber and start challenging people to a Jedi match.

19. Follow a random person and if they turn and ask why are you following me yell, "No I won't have sex with you!"

37 Things to do in an Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"

2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.

3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.

4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5. Meow occasionally.

6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.

7. Say "DING!" at each floor.

8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.

9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."

11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.

13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."

14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.

16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.

17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"

18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"

19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.

20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

21. Swat at flies that don't exist.

22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.

23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.

24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.

25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.

28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.

29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."

30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.

31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.

32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.

33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

34. Tell people that you can see their aura.

35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

If I could!

If I could hold your hand
just one last time
would you have been the one to take?
If I could hear your laugh
just one last time
would we have been together?
If I could hold you close
just one last time
who would be the first to pull away?
And if I could see your face
just one last time
would you remember me?

So long ago you left
And since then I’ve changed so much
So now I sit and wonder
Would you remember me?

If I could walk beside you
just one last time
would we be in the same step?
If I could see your smile
just one last time
would I have been the one to make you?
If I could hear your voice
just one last time
would I have been the one you call?
And if I could talk to you
just one last time
would you remember me?

So long ago you left
My heart was shattered but I went on
Now as I grow older I sit and think
Would you remember me?

Sometimes
I sit and wonder
About what would have happened?
If nothing ever hurt you
Would you remember me?
Sometimes
I sit and wonder
What could have been?
If you never got sick
But the world doesn’t always go
The way I want it to
So I will always sit and think
Will you remember me?

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

1. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire

2. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking

3. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado

4. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts

5. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

6. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping

7. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required

8. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use

9. On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

10. On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

11. On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

12. On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

16. On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

17. On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

18. On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

19. On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

20. On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

21. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

22. On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

23. On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

24. On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

25. On Back Pain Killers
Warning may cause back pain
(Now is this me or the medication. . . . . ?)

I want everyone to try these, all right?

At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. see if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. don't disguise your voice.

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy"

Ask your dog if it's comfortable with it's name. Repeat with cat, until people ask if you're alright.

As often as possible, skip rather than walk
.

Specify that your drive-through order is "to go"

Sing along at the opera.

Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme
.

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because your not in the mood.

When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"

When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives! they're loose!!"

A friend wants the money back that they loaned you last week. Best friends can't begin to remember who owes who money after taking care of each other for so long.

A friend will help me find my way when I'm lost. A best friend will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

A friend will ask why your crying. A best friend will already have a shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry.

A friend always gives your stuff back when they borrow it. Best friends lose your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

A friend will help me learn to drive. A best friend will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance

A friend will watch my pets when I go away. A best friend won't let me go away

A friend will help me up when I fall down. A best friend will point and laugh because she tripped me

A friend will bail me out of jail. A best friend will be sitting beside me saying "Dang, we screwed up".

A friend will go to a concert with me. A best friend will kidnap the band with me

A friend never ask for food and call your parents Mr. and Mrs. and grandpa, grandpa, best friends are the reason you never have any food and call your parents MOM and DAD and grandpa GRAMPS!!

A friend asks me for my number. A best friend asks me for her number

A friend hides me from the cops. A best friend is probably the reason they are after me in the first place

A friend lets me make an idiot of myself in public. A best friend is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.

A friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

A friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

A friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

A friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

A friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

A friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.

A friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.

A friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - dammit - run!"

A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.

A friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

A friend will be there to take your drink away when they think you’re had enough. Best friends will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "Bitch, drink the rest of that! You know we don't waste!"

Friends fade. Best Friends are 4 Ever.

Random Sarcastic Junk.

One day, I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, Then it hit me

Two men walk into a bar, The third one ducks.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

Boys are like slinkeys. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

If life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and let the world wonder how you did it.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust?

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me?

If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.

When life gives you lemons, squirt them in the eyes of your enemies.

Don't knock on death's door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that!

My knight in shining turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

It's better to keep quiet and let someone think you're stupid, than to open your mouth and prove it.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt...then it's hilarious.

if you talk about me i got some advice. click your heels 3 times and say 'i wish i had a life'!

OMG! i think i just saw a flying bird!

let me write that down in my 'things i dont really give f about' notebook.

yea you have the right to your own opinion, but i have the right to think your stupid.

warning: im sarcastic and i hurt peoples feeling sometimes, boo hoo. get over it.!

I don't obsess, I think intensely!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned.

"The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf."

"Nothing worse than getting your pigtails shot off..."

"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

-Education is important; school however, is another matter.

I had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it.

-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!

-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.

-High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

-People say satire is dead. It’s not dead. It’s alive and living in the White House.

-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

-I do not deny everything.

-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go into storage.

Love me or hate me. Personally I could care less

-Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us

-Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.

-Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over...

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

The road to success is always under construction.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.

Sometimes I wonder "why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Don't take life to serouly, no one gets out alive anyway

Life's tough...Get a helmet

I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!

SHUT UP VOICES!! or I'll poke you with the Q-tip again...

If Barbie's So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends

Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died

Man Invented Language To Satisfy Their Deep Need To Complain

Magic is the stuff Science hasn't made boring yet!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

"Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for."

"Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you."

"If you don't understand my silence, then you won't understand my words."

Forgive your enemies - it messes with their heads :P

I wouldn't have OCD if everyone else would just do things the right way.

Shin (n): a device used to find furniture in the dark

Alice in Wonderland Oh! Is that the story of Alice before she went into the Asylum?

People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.

Sarcasm. It's easier than actually having to deal with stupid people.

An atheist is a person who believes in not believing anything.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

There are no stupid questions – just stupid people.

My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

3. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why."

4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

14. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

18. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

19. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

21. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

23. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.

"You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more.”

25. My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.

"If you don't tidy your room, there'll be hell to pay."

26. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

a black man walks into A bar, a white man walks in and says
"No coloured people in here"
The black man says,
"When im born, im black
when i grow up, im black,
when im ill, im black
when im in the sun, im black
when im cold, im black
when im dead, im black
When your born, your pink,
when youre growing up, youre white
when youre ill, youre green
when youre in the sun, youre red
when youre cold, youre blue
when youre dead, youre purple,
now tell me youre not coloured!"
If you want to abolish racism, copy and paste this onto youre profile!!

IF YOU HATE STEREO TYPES READ AND POST THIS!!

Bold those that fit you!!

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm BLACK so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed
.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell. ( i dont care eigher way )
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I MUST be a great cook. ( i am but thats not the point )

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude

Im STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.

I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone
.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I DON'T LIKE to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.

My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I READ COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker
.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.

I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.

I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast (I will write them, just won't say them)
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.

I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.

I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, them burst into tears at one mistake
I DON"T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems

I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED

Dan't be an idiot and judges others when they can just turn around and judge you!

'Never Argue With A Woman'

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could startat any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.

Reasons why girls are the best

1.We got off the Titanic first

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.(We don't usually picture guys naked we picture what it would be like to kiss you then get over it and move on.)

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

Random Weirdness That Hardly Links.

Regular lions say ROAARR.

Angry lions say BLARGAROARIMMAEATYOU

Sad lions say roooaaar.

Mountain lions say: OMGEDWARDCULLENRUN

You know you live in 2009 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.
4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.
6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer.
7.As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
8. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.
9. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.
10. You were too busy to notice number five.
11. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.
12. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.
13. Put this in your pro if you fell for it. You know you did.

If you have ever burst out laughing about something in a book, and people look at you wierd, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have a tendency to talk/sing to yourself copy and paste this to your profile.

Have you ever tried having a thumb war with yourself?? I have. If you have just tried having a thumb war with yourself, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you like chocolate as much as I do (which is ALOT), copy this in your profile.

If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you don't have a problem with homosexuality, copy this into your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this in it to make it even longer.

If you like animals, give one a home if you can. If you already have or can't but want to spread the word, copy this into your profile

If you have ever seen a movie (or show) so many times that you can quote it word for word. And you do at random moments; copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever read a 250 pg + book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think those stupid kids should just give that god-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, then copy this into your profile.

If you think the Coa-coa Puff Turky Bird thing shoud go to rehab, copy this into your profile.

If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If you have an iPod and love rocking out to it, post this in your profile.

If you would love to have wings, post this in your profile.

Admitting you are weird means you are normal. Saying that you are normal is odd. If you admit that you are weird and like it, copy this onto your profile.

If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile. (Gets really aggravating after a while...)

If you have ever ran into a mirror, copy this into your profile .

If you've ever forgotten how old you are when someone asked you, copy and pastethis into your profile.

If you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your profile. (Right after I finished reading the sign...)

If you've ever walked into a wall before copy this into your profile. (Stupid immobile walls...)

If you have ever pushed on a door that says pull (or vice versa) copy and paste this into your profile. (All the time...)

If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this onto your profile. (Yup, usually during awkward or normal silences...)

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile. (...twenty...)

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile. (You're on it)

92 of teens would die if Abercrombie and Fitch or American Eagle said it was uncool to breathe. if you are part of the 8 that would stand there and laugh you ass off, copy and paste this into your profile. (Every time... ;p)

If you have ever turned around and questioned how you got on those subjects after an entire conversation, copy and paste this in to your profile.

If you complian that your feet are cold and your mom tells you to put socks on and you dont just for the sake of being stubborn, copy and paste this to your profile. (...Guilty...)

If you think 'morning people' should be driven off the face of the planet so they spread their 6-AM cheer to Martians, copy and paste this to your profile. (Only if the martians don't give them back)

This is about abortion...

Month one

Mommy
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two

Mommy
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three

You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five

You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six

I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven

Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus' arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just . . .

One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

Why America has some issues (One thing that America DIDN’T screw up-this list)

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the drivewayand put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?

Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?

Boy: No

Girl: Choose--me or your life

Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

~Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest telling us to sit down and shut up.

~ I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the w's

~ A true idiot climds a glass wall to see what's on the other side.

~You say I'm not cool. But cool is just another word for cold. so if I'm not cold, I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

~Boys are like Slinky's. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

~When life gives you lemons, you make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it. When life gives you more, you throw them back, because really, who likes lemons? And when it gives you even more, squirt them in their eyes and see how much life likes lemons then.

~Guns don't kill people. People kill people.

~If guns don't kill people, ten can I blame all my misspells on my pencil?

~I know I just said 'Guns don't kill people. People kill people.' But I think that guns help! I mean, not much would happen if you just sit there and yell 'BOOM'

~My friend overheard some people talking about me. How weird I was, how creepy, how wrong. But I just said 'I feel sorry for them' because I have a friend who told me, while their friends would sooner be the ones saying it.

~You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

~A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend/girlfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

~A good friend will bail you out of jail. But a Best Friend will be sitting next to you saying "Let's do it again!"

~Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity got framed.

~I used all my sick days so I called in dead.

~Life isn't trying to pass me by; it's trying to run m over!

~You're just jealous because I'm the only one the voices talk to.

~The extinction of the dinosoars was no accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.

~Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

~When in doubt, make words up!

~The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

~If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you!

~If you're going to be two-faced sweetie, at least make one of them pretty!

~Don't worry about the end of the world coming today- it's already tomorrow in Australia.

~Kids are the future. Be afraid, Be very afraid!

~Welcome to the dark side. We have cookies! Of, that red stuff leaking out of them?...That's cooking oil.

~Before you criticize a person, walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and have their shoes!

~An idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire their work.

~Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss!

~There is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'I' in PIE, an so there is an 'I' in MEAT PIE and since MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

~Newscaster ase the people who tell you "Good evening" and then procede to tell you why it's not.

~Two things are infinite; infinity, and human stupidity. Not so sure about infinity...

~Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible? ~I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly.

~Don't hit kids. Seriously, they have guns now.

~WARNING- lost kids will be sold to the circus

~If your heart was really broken, you'd be dead. So SHUT UP!

~I don't have a dog. I eat my own homework.

~WARNING- stop throwing your cigarette butts on the carpet! Seriously, the cockroaches are getting cancer!

~There are three kinds of people- those who count, and those who can't.

~Warning: trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.

~Welcome to the internet! Pants optional.

~If I throw a stick, will you go away?

~The grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow!

~If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off. (Personally this is my favorite one!!)

~I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

~I like you. When I rule the world your death will be quick and painless.

~If someone told most people they were weird, most people would disagree. I would ask what their first clue was.

Some of my current goals in life are to attend Hogwarts, rule Narnia, and be claimed by a greek god.

girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle

Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live. If you would do this for a loved one copy and paste

A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit
some friends one evening
and time passed quickly as each shared
their various experiences of the past year.

She ended up staying longer than
planned, and had to walk home alone.
She wasn't afraid
because it was a small town and she lived
only a few blocks away.

As she walked along under the tall elm
trees, Diane asked God to keep her safe from
harm and danger.

When she reached the alley, which was a
short cut to her house, she decided to take it.

However, halfway down the alley she
noticed a man standing at the end as though he
were waiting for her.

She became uneasy and began to pray,
asking for
God's protection.

Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness
and security wrapped round her, she felt as
though someone was walking with her.

When she reached the end of the alley,
she walked right past the man and arrived
home safely.

The following day, she read in the
newspaper that a young girl had been raped in the same
alley just twenty minutes after she had been there.

Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and
the fact that it could have been her, she began to
weep.

Thanking the Lord for her safety and to
help this young woman, she decided to go to the
police station.

She felt she could recognize the man, so
she told them her story.

The police asked her if she would be
willing to look at a lineup to see if she could identify
him.

She agreed and immediately pointed out
the man she had seen in the alley the night
before.

When the man was told he had been
identified, he
immediately broke down and confessed.

The officer thanked Diane for her bravery
and asked if there was anything they could do
for her.

She asked if they would ask the man one
question.

Diane was curious as to why he had not
attacked her.

When the policeman asked him, he
answered, "Because she wasn't alone.
She had two tall men walking on either side of
her."

Amazingly, whether you believe or not,
you're never alone. Did you know that 98 of
teenagers will not stand up for God?

Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there! Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

Boys are like slinkeys. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.

My night in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.

Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

Oh, I have a photographic memory... it just hasn't developed yet

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!

Don't follow in my footsteps, I tend to walk into walls

"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the ambulance do."

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

I live in my own little world- but it's ok, they know me there.

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide

You know the speed of light;so what is the speed of dark ?

We're not sarcastic-we're hilarious

We're not annoying-we're just cooler than you

We're not bitches-we just don't like you

We're not obsessed-we're just best friends

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Life was so simple when boys had cooties.

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.

Huh, it figures. All the good guys are taken, vampires, or both.

No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.

Let me know if anything I say offends you, I might wanna offend you later.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

Don’t mess with me. I've got a stick

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.

Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.

Tell the truth and run.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

I put the FUN in DisFUNctional :)

It's all fun and games until someone get hurt...then its hilarious.

I dream of a better tomorrow--when chickens can cross the road and not have their motives questioned.

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

My imaginary friend thinks you have seriouse problems...

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get me!

I dont have a short attention span, i just...oh look, a kitty!

I run with scissors, it makes me feel dangerous.

I ran with scissors, and lived!

Never go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Education is important, school however, is another matter.

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

When French people swear do they say pardon my English?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Has anyone else ever wondered how Alcoholics Anonymous stays Anonymous?

Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?

364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?

Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject

I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun. (Please don't tell my momma. she'll send me to the naughty carner:()

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. If you can raed tihs cpoy and ptsae

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."

If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

Live dangerous…Run with scissors.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

Stop calling me crazy your annoying my invisible friend.

The worst time to have a heart attack is when you’re playing charades. No one will believe you.

I’m not sleeping. I’m just looking at the insides of my eyelids. ( my teacher threw a book at me to test this. . . . . hardcover)

FRIENDSHIP

1. When you are sad -- I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on mountain dew.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay away from me until you are well. Again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at you.

9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'because you are my friend'

About six years ago in Indiana, Carmen Winstead was pushed down a sewer opening by five girls in her school, trying to embarrass her in front of her school during a fire drill. When she didn't submerge, the police were called. They went down and brought up 17-year-old Carmen Winstead's body, with her neck broken from hitting the ladder, then the concrete at the bottom. The girls told everyone she fell... They believed them.

FACT: About two months later, 16-year-old David Gregory read this post and didn't repost it. When he went to take a shower, he heard laughter, started freaking out, and ran to his computer to repost it. He said goodnight to his mom and went to sleep, but five hours later, his mom woke up in the middle of the night from a loud noise and David was gone. A few hours later, the police found him in the sewer, with a broken neck and the skin on his face peeled off.

Try not to cry

Mommy... Johnny brought a gun to school.

He told his friends that it was cool,

And when he pulled the trigger back,

It shot with a great huge crack.

Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,

I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!

When I went to school that day,

I never said Goodbye.

I'm sorry that i had to go, but Mommy, please don't cry.

When Johnny shot the gun, it hit me and another,

And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.

Mommy please tell Daddy that I love him very much,

And please tell Zack; my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush.

And tell my little sister; that she is the only one now.

And tell my dear sweet grandmother; that I'll be joining her now.

And tell my wonder full friends that they were always the best.

Mommy I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest.

Mommy tell my teachers that i won't show up for class.

And never forget this, O please don't let this pass,

Mommy why did it have to be me? No one, though, deserves this.

But Mommy, it's not fair, i left without a kiss.

I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.

Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest.

But Mommy please remember I'm in Heaven, with the rest.

When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could

Please listen to me if you would,

I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new.

I guess I'm not going with Daddy, on that trip to the zoo, I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,

I wanted to be an actress, i wanted to live.

But Mommy i must go now, the time is getting late.

Mommy, tell Zack I'm sorry to cancel the date.

I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know thats true.

And now all I need to say is "Mommy I love you."

My name is sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long
When I awake I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight
Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy,
Murdered me.

child abuse, MAKE IT STOP!

The Uncurable Disease

Hi, my name is Kazu.

I like Writing and I like Athletics.

I am running down the road

I suddenly tripped over.

I come home with a scatch on my knee.

My mummy begins to worry.

I tell her I am fine.

She sighs and says ok.

I am at school.

When suddenly I fall and hit a tree.

I am sent to the sickbay.

Then I am sent home.

Mummy takes me to the doctors.

The doctors tell mummy something.

Mummy starts to cry.

I tell her it's ok.

I'm not going to die.

She tells me I am starting.

Starting to be slower.

I don't know what it means.

But I have become sick.

I tell mummy it's ok.

I will become better.

Mummy starts to cry.

Do I have cancer?

Mummy says no.

Then what do I suppose.

As a year had past.

I struggle to walk.

My speech is getting slower.

It's hard for me to talk.

My friends like to help me.

My classmates like to run.

But I have to sit down.

And watch them have fun.

Then one day my teacher.

Comes to see mummy.

Daddy comes out.

And starts to get all snotty.

The teacher tells my parents.

I can no longer go to school.

My motion is too slow.

I ask the teacher slowly.

I am sorry I am useless.

I start to cry and beg her.

I want to go to school.

The teacher gives a smile.

And tells me she is sorry.

The school cant really help me.

The words were so cruel.

The day I had to leave.

My friends and classmates cried.

The boys upon the windows.

Wave to me goodbye.

I smile and sit in the car.

I am taken to a school.

A school with special people.

Just like me and you.

I start to have some fun.

I made a lot of friends.

As many years passed again.

I talk too slow to understand.

I cannot run anymore.

And I struggle to even stand.

I cannot write in my diary.

My motion is too slow.

Then one day I am sent.

To the hospital again.

Now many years have passed.

I lie in a warm bed.

I cannot move my body.

I cannot move again.

I talk very slowly.

I cannot move my head.

My mummy sits there crying.

My daddy looks depressed.

I ask my mummy sadly.

Am I going to die.

My mother holds my hand.

Yells and starts to cry.

A few more years later.

I have to shut my eyes.

I cannot talk or move.

I seem to have died.

Copy and Paste this story about Kazu who was diagnosed with a rare uncurable disease, Spinocerebellar Degeneration, in your profile. This disease causes a failure of muscle control in their arms and legs, resulting in a lack of balance and coordination or a disturbance of gait. Support and send the message worldwide.

I didn't trip...

I was testing Gravity!

It still works

I'll watch the scariest movies and not even flinch...

But I'll SCREAM at the top of my lungs when toast, pops out of the toaster...

"A guy gave his girl 12 roses, 11 real, one fake. There was note, and it said, "When the last rose dies, that's when I'll stop loving you."-Unknown

When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him

Many wise words are spoken in jest, but they don’t compare with the number of stupid words spoken in earnest.

When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.

Your friend is the person who knows all about you, and still like you.

Friends never make assumptions about you. They never expect a reason to go out with you. In fact friends only expect you to be you.

Don't be so humble - you're not that great.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

Guys should be like lattes - rich, strong, and hot.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

FATAL ERROR: Size of thought exceeds available memory.

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

The best things in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.

Psychology. Mind over matter. Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. Never mind.

If i dont call you
Its because i'm waiting for you to call me

When i walk away from you mad
Follow me

When i stare at your mouth
Kiss me

When i push you or hit you
Grab me and dont let go

When i start cussing at you
Kiss me and tell me you love me

When im quiet
Ask me whats wrong

When i ignore you
Give me your attention

When i pull away
Pull me back

When you see me at my worst
Tell me i'm beautiful

When you see me start crying
Hold me and tell me everything will be alright

When you see me walking
Sneak up and hug my waist from behind

When i'm scared
Protect me

When i lay my head on your shoulder
Tilt my head up and kiss me

When i grab at your hands
Hold mine and play with my fingers

When i tease you
Tease me back and make me laugh

When i dont answer for a long time
reassure me that everything is okay

When i look at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When i say that i like you
I really do more than you could understand

When i bump into you
bump into me back and make me laugh

When i tell you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When i look at you in your eyes
dont look away until i do

When i miss you
i'm hurting inside

When you break my heart
the pain never really goes away

When i say its over
i still want you to be mine

Who's the last person you talked to and what did you say?

My sister- No, Sweden, no

Where are you right now?

a chair in front of my laptop

Look up, now look back. What did you see?

the fantastic veiw that is the roof

What's the last thing you ate?

cream puff

What's your personality like?

Cruel, but fair

What was the last thing you thought?

how to answer this question

You have a million dollars. What do you do?

read a book

What are you eating/drinking RIGHT NOW?

cream soda

What are you thinking RIGHT NOW?

that, that wierd eyebrow commercial is messed up

What's it like being you?

depends if im in my own world or not

What are your thoughts on writing?

Writing is...sweet!

How tall are you?

5'1 and I'm only 15

What book are you currently reading?

the host

What music are you listening to?

Muse

What was the last website you visited before fan fiction?

Google

What was the last thing you cooked?

eggs

What color are the walls of the room you are in?

white. red

Do you know who the governor of your state is?

no idea

How many different programs are open on your computer right now?

Fanfiction!

Have you ever been water-skiing?

No.

What is the weather like?

windy

Are you going an vacation this summer and where?

no

Anything else?

Meh

9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their but to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do thats longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here??

I went to a party Mom…..

I went to a party,

And remembered what you said.

You told me not to drink, Mom,

So I had a sprite instead.

I felt proud of myself,

The way you said I would.

that I didn't drink and drive,

though some friends said I should.

I made a healthy choice,

And your advice to me was right.

The party finally ended,

and the kids drove out of sight.

I got into my car,

Sure to get home in one piece.

I never knew what was coming, Mom,

something I expected least.

Now I'm lying on the pavement,

And I hear the policeman say,

the kid that caused this wreck ws drunk,

Mom, his voice seems far away.

My own blood's all around me,

As I try hard not to cry.

I can hear the paramedic say,

this girl is going to die.

I'm sure the guy had no idea,

While he was flying high.

Because he chose to drink and drive,

now I have to die.

So why do people do it Mom

Knowing it ruins lives?

And now the pain is cutting me,

like a hundred stabbing knives.

Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom

Tell daddy to be brave.

And when i go to heaven,

Put "Mommy's Girl" on my grave.

Someone should have taught him,

That it's wrong to drink and drive.

Maybe if his parents had,
I'd still be alive.

My breath is getting shorter,

Mom I'm getting really scared

These are my final moments,

and I'm so unprepared.

I wish that you could hold me Mom,

As I lie here and die.

I wish that I could say, "I Love you, Mom!"

So I love you adn good-bye

MADD (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers)

If you believe you have a choice to live or die, than don’t drink and drive! You might just ruin someone else’s life including family and friends or you ruined your own Life! Don’t Drink and Drive!!

Copy and paste to your profile if you believe it.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Bad Lines by ashestoashesanddusttodust reviews
It's Tony's fault. Someway, somehow, Clint just knows that the man is behind this new level of annoyance. Pietro x Clint
Avengers - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 12,072 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 7 - Published: 5/10 - [Pietro M./Quicksilver, Hawkeye/Clint B.] - Complete
Mother, Stripper, Imprint? by DeadGrlSprStr666 reviews
Paul Imprints in the most unusual of places. How does one find their stripper soul mate and declare their love for her without her thinking, 'Stalker'. How does the most possessive member of The Pack deal with getting involved with a woman who takes her clothes off for money? Can two people living very different lives come together and find true love and happiness?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 40,904 - Reviews: 151 - Favs: 269 - Follows: 413 - Updated: 4/18 - Published: 7/30/2014 - [Bella, Paul]
Midnight Run by Inthemadhouse reviews
AU-AH. Alice has lived happily with her foster parents and three siblings for a long time. But what happens with Dr. Cullen gets a phone call asking him to take just one more teen?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 239,947 - Reviews: 2228 - Favs: 669 - Follows: 799 - Updated: 3/18 - Published: 7/28/2009 - Alice, Jasper
Torn by Dooba reviews
Bella Swan has survived a living hell, twice. She no longer speaks. Nobody ever listened. The Cullen family take her into their care. Bella fights to leave her past behind, but will she be able to let love in? AH M-rated for violence, content, language
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 85 - Words: 616,477 - Reviews: 15520 - Favs: 6,309 - Follows: 6,856 - Updated: 3/1 - Published: 9/27/2010 - Bella, Edward
Wisp by Cris reviews
Edward wins more than he bargained for at what was supposed to be a friendly poker game. AH. Ysar made me my banner!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Drama - Chapters: 63 - Words: 325,303 - Reviews: 13769 - Favs: 5,360 - Follows: 6,719 - Updated: 11/20/2014 - Published: 4/22/2012 - Bella, Edward - Complete
My Mate Saga by Alynelovesyou reviews
Vampire are Different. Edward is a 149 year old vampire, captured by humans to be tested on. He's lonely and craves to have a mate of his own. What if the scientist capture a very beautiful female vampire? What if she's the girl haunting Edward's Dreams? Follow them on the adventure of getting back home and being a new mated couple. RE-WRITE OF THE ORIGINAL.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 28 - Words: 100,829 - Reviews: 1205 - Favs: 1,188 - Follows: 641 - Updated: 10/20/2014 - Published: 11/18/2012 - Bella, Edward - Complete
My Soulmate by Mrs.MalikMerazTomlinson reviews
(ON HOLD) After Bella slaps bad boy, hothead, shapeshifter named Paul. He imprints on her, but Bella is having a hard time in letting herself love again. Throw in a brother, baby, a red-eyed vampire, and an ex-boyfriend. Drama happens. Warnings: Lemons, Language, and minor violence.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 6 - Words: 10,577 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 124 - Follows: 226 - Updated: 10/19/2014 - Published: 7/11/2014 - Bella, Paul
The Inconvenient and Unexpected Journey of Millie Fournier by qarlgrimes reviews
Millie is completely ignorant to the world of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, thinks Kili is one dreamy Dwarf, and is completely incompetent. So what happens when she gets thrown into the journey with thirteen Dwarves, a Hobbit, and a Wizard? This is Millie's inconvenient and unexpected story. Inspired by The Awkward Adventures of Meghan Whimblesby by febuarysong. Complete.
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 50 - Words: 181,699 - Reviews: 2222 - Favs: 1,384 - Follows: 1,202 - Updated: 8/26/2014 - Published: 12/26/2012 - [Kili, OC] - Complete
Murphy's angel by Kay0993 reviews
Olivia had just moved to Boston less than a month ago. She really didn't know anyone and didnt try to make friends. She worked and went home. That was her life and she didnt mind it. Little did she know her whole life was going to change in the matter of one night when she is saved by two very attractive irish brothers. She may even catch the eye of one certain brother. This story
Boondock Saints - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 32 - Words: 32,621 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 47 - Updated: 7/27/2014 - Published: 5/25/2014 - Connor M., Murphy M., OC
Justified by little furry cannibals reviews
Millions of people are homeless and stare longingly from the outside, in. When a werewolf finds his imprint in the last place to be expected, how many social abnormalites does he have to justify to make it work? A/U sort of.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 31 - Words: 198,993 - Reviews: 1446 - Favs: 812 - Follows: 1,275 - Updated: 7/6/2014 - Published: 1/21/2012 - Bella, Paul
Jailbait by Iamtwilightobsessed-MP reviews
Four years is not a big difference, unless it makes the relationship illegal. What happens when the youngest pack member imprints on Bella Swan? B/S Non-Cannon, OOC, Rated M. Beta s Tayjay and Jusobele
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 69 - Words: 287,671 - Reviews: 4529 - Favs: 2,332 - Follows: 2,299 - Updated: 6/22/2014 - Published: 11/29/2010 - Bella, Seth
Maetharanel by KayBeth13 reviews
Maetharanel was banished from Mirkwood two centuries ago for protesting Thranduil's decision not to aid Erebor. Now, she joins a company led by Thorin Oakenshield to reclaim Erebor, along the way facing suspicion, hostility, fear, and the one thing she never expected...to fall in love with a young dwarf prince with a cheeky smile and an exceptional talent for archery... Kili/OC
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 24,328 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 95 - Updated: 3/25/2014 - Published: 6/22/2013 - Thorin, Fili, Kili
The Odd Life of Oswin Oriall Oswald by LyricalRose reviews
Oswin Oswald is a normal girl... all up until she gets thrown into the world of the Hobbit. Now, she had to learn to fight, how to survive, and may just get a little bit of love along the way. (I am aware this is an awful summary... but I'm not a summary person. Read it and if you don't like it hit 'back') Kili x OC
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 29 - Words: 50,900 - Reviews: 412 - Favs: 288 - Follows: 348 - Updated: 11/20/2013 - Published: 1/1/2013 - [Kili, OC] - Complete
God's Blood by livin-la-vida-loki-d reviews
AU before Being Human, after season 2 of TAJ: Anders stumbles home drunk one night and sees something that will forever change his life, though for better or worse he won't know until it's too late.
Crossover - Being Human & Almighty Johnsons - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 59,604 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 9/26/2013 - Published: 8/25/2013 - J. Mitchell, Anders J./Bragi - Complete
Bella? Marie? by Nyomixx reviews
Bella knows it's stupid to crush so hard on her boss. But when she's clubbing one night, and he asks for her name, she gives her middle name, Marie, and surrenders to a wild one-night stand, where she's allowed to touch him, and call him 'Edward'. But how will she continue on as his son's nanny? OOC/AH/MA content
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 25 - Words: 155,294 - Reviews: 2729 - Favs: 2,505 - Follows: 3,117 - Updated: 9/18/2013 - Published: 4/4/2010 - Bella, Edward
Emotional Warfare by completerandomness12 reviews
Geeky Edward Cullen is dumped by his high school sweetheart...alone...in a parking lot...with an engagement ring in his pocket. To avoid looking pathetic at his parents' New Years celebration, he enlists the help of his beautiful, and mysterious friend Bella to pose as his girlfriend. Hilarity ensues.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 205,550 - Reviews: 1116 - Favs: 2,267 - Follows: 1,428 - Updated: 7/18/2013 - Published: 9/23/2012 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Race Against Time by Italian Hobbit reviews
Kili has decided that Fili needs to learn archery, but a mishap puts Kili's life in grave danger. No slash.
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Angst/Family - Chapters: 23 - Words: 59,418 - Reviews: 742 - Favs: 565 - Follows: 348 - Updated: 4/16/2013 - Published: 1/19/2013 - Thorin, Fili, Kili, Dis - Complete
Secret Angel by TwistingTwilight reviews
When Bella Swan has a fatal accident, she's given a special mission which she has to complete before she can cross over to the other side. Her mission? Edward Cullen, a man who's life has taken a turn for the worst. Bella must save him, and as she starts to save him, he begins to save her too.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 15 - Words: 32,895 - Reviews: 646 - Favs: 590 - Follows: 303 - Updated: 4/4/2013 - Published: 12/16/2012 - Bella, Edward - Complete
A Time for Healing by KaliShu reviews
After leaving the farm and while the group is searching for a new safe place, Daryl crashes his bike while avoiding a little girl standing alone and alive in the middle of the road. Gen, shameless Daryl whump.
Walking Dead - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 6 - Words: 29,687 - Reviews: 98 - Favs: 214 - Follows: 261 - Updated: 2/10/2013 - Published: 3/16/2012 - Daryl D., Rick G.
Little Bird by tocilar reviews
The younglings were drinking; insults were thrown and naturally a contest stems from it. Kili's arrow finds it mark but when he goes to retrieve it he stumbles upon the last thing he'd ever expected.
Hobbit - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,764 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 102 - Follows: 19 - Published: 2/9/2013 - Kili - Complete
The Gift Of A Girl by BurningDecks reviews
He's got a wife, a son and a baby on the way. He's got a job, a house and a history. They don't have much but they've got each other and that's enough. An insight in to what Daryl's life could have been like before the apocalypse if things had been different. Rated M to take in to account our love birds getting a little hands on. Just to be safe. DarylxOC
Walking Dead - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,285 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 60 - Follows: 19 - Published: 12/30/2012 - Daryl D., OC - Complete
Hit By Destiny by ocdmess reviews
Bella wants to die, and almost gets her wish fulfilled when she gets hit by a shiny Volvo. She is left with serious injuries, and the only thing keeping her from dying is the person who hit her. All Human, Rated M for language, dark themes & violence.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 59 - Words: 463,685 - Reviews: 20096 - Favs: 11,695 - Follows: 6,908 - Updated: 11/29/2012 - Published: 10/24/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
In His Soul by DisneyRBD reviews
When new neighbors move next door to the Halliwell sisters, Chris begins to act weird around the new family. But when the Charmed sisters cast a spell to help Chris, they get more than they bargain for and learn more about the future that Chris Perry has been hiding from them.
Charmed - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 52 - Words: 95,303 - Reviews: 367 - Favs: 298 - Follows: 181 - Updated: 8/29/2012 - Published: 4/18/2009 - [Chris H., OC] Piper H., Wyatt H. - Complete
Tribulations by MildlyInsane reviews
Tom Hanson and Doug Penhall do not exist. They are instead Tommy and Doug McQuaid, tough, seemingly fearless high school boys. The lives of the teenaged McQuaid brothers aren't easy. It's a rough existence, full of drugs, alcohol, and physical abuse. Day to day life consists of dealing with an abusive father, buying and selling drugs, and just trying to survive in a world so cruel.
21 Jump Street - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Friendship - Chapters: 16 - Words: 58,647 - Reviews: 72 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 7/30/2012 - Published: 7/5/2012 - T. Hanson, D. Penhall - Complete
Jump! to Conclusions by MildlyInsane reviews
While undercover as Tommy McQuaid, Tom Hanson gets into an argument with his PE teacher. After seeing bruises Tom has from another case, the teacher suspects Tom's been abused and refers him to a counselor. Doug Penhall also makes an appearance.
21 Jump Street - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,266 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 5/2/2012 - Published: 4/19/2012 - T. Hanson, D. Penhall - Complete
Training the Cullen by IvoryAdulation reviews
Movie star Edward Cullen is sent to Seattle Crime Lab to train for his next role. A one night stand with an alluring woman rocks his world but not as much as finding out she's his mentor, she doesn't remember him, and she's nothing like he thought-EPOV/MA
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 142 - Reviews: 1675 - Favs: 1,625 - Follows: 658 - Updated: 5/1/2012 - Published: 1/2/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Isabella Marie Swan Volturi The Fourth Ruler by WhiteWolfLegend reviews
Bella is the fourth ruler of the vampire world - Full summery inside... OOC Ra:T
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 49 - Words: 77,026 - Reviews: 996 - Favs: 980 - Follows: 375 - Updated: 4/30/2012 - Published: 11/23/2009 - [Bella, Edward] - Complete
The Legend of the White Wolf by WhiteWolfLegend reviews
When Bella was little she was told that she was a special kind of shapeshifter, one who is destinied and one who can shift into any animal she likes, what happenes after the Cullen's leave she starts to phase again and imprints on sam? SamXBella R:T R&R
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 51 - Words: 88,638 - Reviews: 1128 - Favs: 1,490 - Follows: 696 - Updated: 3/18/2012 - Published: 10/17/2009 - [Sam, Bella] - Complete
My Big Brother by Darkened-Sun reviews
She lost the only thing that mattered to her, her brother. After nearly 90 years she found him again & a new love & family. Full summary inside... PeXCh JXB AXE CaXEs EmXR
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 20 - Words: 42,956 - Reviews: 241 - Favs: 468 - Follows: 200 - Updated: 3/9/2012 - Published: 4/21/2009 - Emmett, Bella - Complete
Fighting Soldier by WhiteWolfLegend reviews
Charlotte's gone & Peter's running back to the place he escaped, only to run into a goddess with fire eyes & brown hair. Bells more powerful & feared then Jazz.. 200years after edward left PeterXBella Ra:M
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 35 - Words: 60,976 - Reviews: 926 - Favs: 1,150 - Follows: 564 - Updated: 3/6/2012 - Published: 5/23/2010 - [Bella, Peter] - Complete
Yours, Mine and Ours by imma vampire reviews
Bella, a single mother of three boys is having a difficult time relating to her kids when she meets Edward, the single father of three girls the same age. The attraction is instant, but the challenge comes with the kids. Will they all get along? Is it possible for them to overcome differences and become a family? AU, AH. M for Lemons. This story is mostly fluff.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 38 - Words: 90,075 - Reviews: 2493 - Favs: 2,026 - Follows: 691 - Updated: 1/30/2012 - Published: 7/13/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
This Time Tomorrow by Cider Sky reviews
'He wakes up on the floor of the RV, again, just like the day before, and the dozen days before that.' Daryl gets a second chance at saving Sophia; and a third, and a fourth, and a fifth ... TimeLoopAU; Eventual Andrea/Daryl.
Walking Dead - Rated: T - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 11,393 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 164 - Follows: 12 - Published: 12/20/2011 - Daryl D. - Complete
Do Over by TKegl reviews
Every Christmas Eve, Edward Cullen sits in a bar and regrets the decision he made ten years earlier that tore Bella from him. But when he gets a second chance to right that wrong, it's not quite what he expected
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 19 - Words: 63,100 - Reviews: 3462 - Favs: 3,198 - Follows: 1,217 - Updated: 12/18/2011 - Published: 12/22/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Walking DeadContinued by hydra350 reviews
Ann Grimes now Dixon still trying to survive the zombie overthrow. Trying to keep her brother and husband from killing each other should be fun.
Walking Dead - Rated: T - English - Horror/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 47,109 - Reviews: 249 - Favs: 163 - Follows: 107 - Updated: 12/14/2011 - Published: 10/17/2011 - Daryl D., Rick G. - Complete
Point of No Return by niteryde reviews
Trunks was going back in time to warn the others about the androids, but instead ended up in a time when Vegeta was Frieza's most ruthless soldier... can he keep his power and identity a secret when he sees the brutality of his father's past?
Dragon Ball Z - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 23 - Words: 188,088 - Reviews: 1414 - Favs: 990 - Follows: 463 - Updated: 10/24/2011 - Published: 3/2/2010 - M. Trunks, Vegeta - Complete
Romance Is Dead by Kat097 reviews
Bella had a feeling that she was going to die young. She just didn't expect to be a ghost afterwards but these things happen. So do vampires, who can not only see you but take an interest in your afterlife. "You're dead." "So are you. What's your point?"
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 28 - Words: 116,220 - Reviews: 1463 - Favs: 1,608 - Follows: 771 - Updated: 8/24/2011 - Published: 12/18/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
What If by twihart21 reviews
Edward is a successful defense attorney living in LA. He lives a lonely, predictable life. But one day, he wakes up in an unfamiliar house, in an unfamiliar room with Bella laying next to him. Will he ever want to wake up from this dream? AH EPOV
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 31 - Words: 211,785 - Reviews: 2614 - Favs: 2,966 - Follows: 2,278 - Updated: 7/17/2011 - Published: 1/25/2010 - Edward, Bella
Closer to God by Mrstrentreznor reviews
Bella is alone after Edward has left and she decides to go out dancing. She meets a strong silent man and their first encounter is unforgettable, for more reasons than one. M AU Warning for language, underage drinking, teen sex
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 43 - Words: 74,212 - Reviews: 2042 - Favs: 1,757 - Follows: 547 - Updated: 6/27/2011 - Published: 9/22/2010 - [Bella, Paul] - Complete
You Don't Know Anything by TwiDi reviews
Parents' death left her with a new-born brother. Claiming him as hers, she heads to her father's. How’d she cope her unsaid secrets with the green-eyed jerk’s advances & unknwn lurking danger,EXB,AH,Possessiveward. Razzle Dazzle & Silent Tear Award nmnee
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 29 - Words: 178,553 - Reviews: 3501 - Favs: 2,622 - Follows: 2,644 - Updated: 6/19/2011 - Published: 3/13/2009 - Edward, Bella
Marked by Whitlock-Masen reviews
Edward Masen is a self-sufficient, independently wealthy man with a PhD in Social Anthropology. When he meets a man named Jasper, he is shaken by the disappointment he feels when Jasper is apparently an impossibility. ExJ, Slash, OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 29 - Words: 465,518 - Reviews: 2412 - Favs: 1,138 - Follows: 1,192 - Updated: 5/22/2011 - Published: 10/25/2009 - Edward, Jasper
Whatever It Takes by tinaababy reviews
Bella Swan has leukemia. She's been in remission for almost five years but just as she reaches that five year mark she relapses. Will she succumb to the illness or can the new doctor put a smile on her face? AU, AH, & OCC. Longer summary inside.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,450 - Reviews: 818 - Favs: 692 - Follows: 409 - Updated: 5/12/2011 - Published: 3/1/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Journey Through Time by Allen92909 reviews
A courageous warrior goes back in time to save his family, to save his future. An unexpected visitor changes things for him and his family. This is my take at a season 6 rewrite of sorts.
Charmed - Rated: T - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 29 - Words: 120,434 - Reviews: 91 - Favs: 104 - Follows: 79 - Updated: 4/19/2011 - Published: 10/28/2010 - Elise R., Wyatt H. - Complete
Another Happy Ending by vault94 reviews
It was decided dying in your sleep was not peaceful or the best way to go the best way to go was in the arms of the most beautiful girl who loved you despite how that person looked. another shot at the ending for the movie no beta reader
Beastly - Rated: K - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,135 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 2 - Published: 3/27/2011 - Complete
You Rock My World by BlackHeartNeko9 reviews
Bella is an abused teenager, but nobody cares. they like to add to the torture. What happens when members of her favourite band start at her school? will someone finally care or will they join everyone else? crap summary. all human. please read! xx
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Friendship - Chapters: 15 - Words: 22,606 - Reviews: 244 - Favs: 226 - Follows: 258 - Updated: 3/26/2011 - Published: 10/4/2008 - Edward, Bella
Scarlet by archer24 reviews
Bella is the greatest thief the world's never seen; she is only recognized by her scarlet calling card. Edward is FBI, and has been able to catch every criminal he's come across. Little do they know, they are both about to meet their match. AH, OOC, AU
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Crime/Romance - Chapters: 28 - Words: 147,185 - Reviews: 7055 - Favs: 4,909 - Follows: 2,507 - Updated: 3/12/2011 - Published: 10/10/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Through the Flames by SparklingTwilight reviews
One fateful night, 29y/o Edward must make the decision that haunts every firefighter's worst nightmares. In choosing between his life and that of another, life altering repercussions arise. Rated M. Contains graphic descriptions of fire. HF Warning.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Drama - Chapters: 41 - Words: 200,140 - Reviews: 7488 - Favs: 3,860 - Follows: 2,040 - Updated: 2/3/2011 - Published: 4/9/2010 - Complete
Feel Good Drag by JasperSAYSrelax128 reviews
Bella is one of the top street racers in Arizona. But when a recent race ends up in a police chase, Renee sends her to live with Charlie in Forks. What happens happens when she discovers an underground racing site, and meets new friends? SUMMARY INSIDE AH
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 41,450 - Reviews: 1275 - Favs: 788 - Follows: 305 - Updated: 1/26/2011 - Published: 8/13/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Challenging Humanity by mehek18 reviews
Bella Swan is mute and new to Forks High School. Edward Cullen is the popular, but sweet, captain of the Varsity team. Bella hides away from attention, but what happens when she catches the eye of the captain and his friends? AH AU CANON. Now ALL EDITTED
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 26 - Words: 119,696 - Reviews: 703 - Favs: 747 - Follows: 627 - Updated: 1/21/2011 - Published: 9/1/2009 - Bella, Edward
All I Need by kem722 reviews
Jasper is a bodyguard for a prominent politician and he's forced to spend the summer with the senator's wife Alice and her two daughters. A/H
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 61,972 - Reviews: 273 - Favs: 170 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 1/6/2011 - Published: 5/16/2010 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
B Wars by StrawberryMopet reviews
Bella Cullen, is the daughter of the famous actors, Carlisle and Esme Cullen. To boost ratings for the station her parents work for she agreed to be the prize on the all new show, Date Wars. Who will win?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 16 - Words: 14,773 - Reviews: 136 - Favs: 80 - Follows: 77 - Updated: 1/4/2011 - Published: 8/20/2009 - Bella
Finding Courage by Angels of Twilight reviews
Bella is a vampire who just moved to Forks and enrolls in Forks High. She meets the Cullens, who are also vampires. All but Edward. He is paralyzed from the waist down and hasn't been changed for the fear that it won't cure him. Can Bella's new powers help?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Friendship - Chapters: 29 - Words: 128,191 - Reviews: 358 - Favs: 372 - Follows: 169 - Updated: 11/30/2010 - Published: 9/13/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Hush Little Baby by Bexta03 reviews
Bella is an orphan. Her little sister Alice is adopted. She is alone and abused all the time. She meets the Cullens while in hospital. Will they finally bring the happiness she deserves? Or will her bad luck come back for her and her new family? AH OCC
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Family - Chapters: 27 - Words: 71,048 - Reviews: 540 - Favs: 335 - Follows: 306 - Updated: 10/5/2010 - Published: 3/9/2010 - Bella
Ladder to the Sun by Rosybud reviews
How can you die when you've never really lived? That's the problem Bella Swan faces when she's told she only has a year to live. Can she make up for a lonely, unhappy life in the short time she has left... and maybe find love too? All-human, EXB
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 111,847 - Reviews: 2510 - Favs: 3,878 - Follows: 1,646 - Updated: 9/24/2010 - Published: 10/31/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Come What May by Knblair86 reviews
Imprint story! Bella gets more than she bargained for when she confronts Jake. Many bumps along the road, but can Paul and Bella's love survive anything? Cullens, Vitoria, love, hate...Can i friendship survive?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 20 - Words: 82,114 - Reviews: 495 - Favs: 765 - Follows: 319 - Updated: 7/8/2010 - Published: 10/1/2009 - Bella, Paul - Complete
Dying for a Chance by Sweetlittlegremlin reviews
Rosalie wants nothing more than to be a mother- featuring the song "I would die for that" by Kellie Coffey. A/H.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,256 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 3 - Published: 6/19/2010 - Rosalie - Complete
I've Always Loved You by Knblair86 reviews
Imprint Story! After Jake gets 'sick', Bella starts hanging out with Quil. How will they help each other heal? What happens when the Cullen's come back to town and Will Victoria finally get her revenge? Please give it a chance!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 43,701 - Reviews: 391 - Favs: 413 - Follows: 217 - Updated: 6/3/2010 - Published: 1/14/2010 - Bella, Quil Jr. - Complete
The Long Walk Home by bsmog reviews
Broken by his experiences in the Civil War, Edward marches with Jasper and Emmett to Gettysburg. A stolen night's sleep leads him to the girl he thinks could save him, but the battle rages on, and his duty could destroy them both. AH. Canon pairings.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 84,130 - Reviews: 572 - Favs: 405 - Follows: 241 - Updated: 5/29/2010 - Published: 7/1/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Hunted by Not All Heroes Wear Capes reviews
Bella witnesses her mothers', fathers' and brothers' murder and narrowly escapes with her life. Dr Cullen takes her in when no-one can, but the horrors follow her there, haunting her. How does this girl know so much? What the hell happened to Bella Swan?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Supernatural - Chapters: 13 - Words: 153,807 - Reviews: 422 - Favs: 373 - Follows: 297 - Updated: 4/7/2010 - Published: 7/20/2009 - Bella, Edward
The Blood White Wolf by BloodWhiteWolf reviews
Edward Leaves And Bella Is Changed, But This Time She Doesnt Change Into A Vampire - She Changes Into Something Else. What Happens When The Cullens Return To Forks And Find Her Once Again. --- Some People Wanted To Know About My Pen Name So Here It Is :
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Supernatural/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 11,884 - Reviews: 341 - Favs: 309 - Follows: 311 - Updated: 3/14/2010 - Published: 6/22/2009 - Bella, Edward
Strangers on a Train by Joermungard reviews
Imagine you meet a perfect stranger on a train, and fall in love. One-shot, All Human. Rated T, just in case.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,923 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 2 - Published: 3/2/2010 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Isabella Marie Swan Volturi by Sovoyita reviews
My name is Isabella Marie Swan Volturi and I have been held captive against my will for the past seven years of my short, insignificant life. This so-called “home” I live in has been nothing short of a prison cell for me ever since I got here.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 14 - Words: 50,817 - Reviews: 250 - Favs: 182 - Follows: 194 - Updated: 2/26/2010 - Published: 8/11/2008 - Bella, Edward
Baby Baby! by TeamTwilight26 reviews
COMPLETE! Bella and Edward get an unexpected surprise but Bella keeps it a secret. Will she tell Edward? And if she does tell him what will happen next? Really good! I promise you won't be disappointed! AWARD WINNING! Please read and review.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 40 - Words: 92,041 - Reviews: 2120 - Favs: 1,376 - Follows: 600 - Updated: 2/23/2010 - Published: 5/21/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Third Woman by Crash Hale reviews
Edward and his daughter Ivy move to New York City when he is offered a job there. He can't find a nanny he is comfortable with caring for his child, and Ivy is set on Bella; a young woman he falls for at first sight. AH. Rated M.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 21 - Words: 59,584 - Reviews: 1367 - Favs: 1,558 - Follows: 707 - Updated: 2/13/2010 - Published: 12/7/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Heist by DistantDreamer13 reviews
In a small stifling bank in Pheonix, Bella Swan finds herself the hostage of the gorgeous bronze haired bank robber in the midst of one of the most intricate bank robberies in history. All HUMAN! Future Lemons! R&R!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 8,536 - Reviews: 188 - Favs: 176 - Follows: 239 - Updated: 2/13/2010 - Published: 12/13/2008 - Bella, Edward
Selfless by JustThatGirl97 reviews
Bella has a hard life. Scratch that, hard doesn't cover it. Mum's an addict to Alcohol and Drugs. Step Dad's abusive. And Bella has to take care of her 2 younger siblings. Can the beautiful new kids help Bella out of this mess before she collapses?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 19 - Words: 26,638 - Reviews: 625 - Favs: 460 - Follows: 289 - Updated: 2/4/2010 - Published: 4/16/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Silence, the Loudest Sound by reincarnatedcrazybutterfly reviews
Edward met Bella in Central Park during fall. Intrigued, he kept striking a conversation with Bella but Bella remained silent. It didn’t mean though that she wasn’t able to answer all of his questions. What Edward didn’t know is that Bella can’t speak.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 97,060 - Reviews: 975 - Favs: 1,214 - Follows: 469 - Updated: 2/4/2010 - Published: 10/19/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Angel by soccershadow3 reviews
Am I Angel or Am I Bella? Bella & her twin bro. finally get to go to a normal school. But when the cullens and a nomad stay things get diffuclt. What happens when james coven isn't the only ones that show up but the Volturi! will E turn his back on B?
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 33,453 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 1/20/2010 - Published: 7/7/2009 - Complete
Tie Me Down to this World by Struck Upon a Star reviews
AH/AU. Alice and Jasper awake in the same hospital, scarred, broken, and searching for meaning. She gives him peace; he gives her joy. They are each other's hope.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 23 - Words: 163,005 - Reviews: 1859 - Favs: 1,103 - Follows: 937 - Updated: 1/20/2010 - Published: 2/1/2009 - Alice, Jasper
Hope by linked-pinkies reviews
When the abuse became too much, Jasper joined a gang. He lives his life because he has to. Now that he meets Alice, he's trying to live because he WANTS to. Can their love overcome all? Will Alice's feelings for Jasper be enough to save him? ALL HUMAN
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 56 - Words: 297,742 - Reviews: 1404 - Favs: 382 - Follows: 165 - Updated: 1/14/2010 - Published: 3/10/2009 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
You don't exist by Adri1577 reviews
Edward broke Bella's heart more than once, finally she being pregnant left him. She had twins and now after her death they come back to Forks and meet the past. Bella at first, then Edward. Mostly kids' POV. Complete
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Hurt/Comfort/Family - Chapters: 40 - Words: 100,296 - Reviews: 258 - Favs: 145 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 1/9/2010 - Published: 6/23/2009 - Edward - Complete
Somewhere, Somehow by UnlovedBandNerd reviews
He looked beautiful standing there in the moonlight, he was my best friend, my fiancé, and my lover. I had known him since I was 5 and a few years ago he asked me to marry him. I was officially the luckiest girl in the world. Why did it have to end? ExB
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 4,038 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 1/8/2010 - Published: 1/7/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Christmas Karma by moondancer1179 reviews
One Shot. AH. Edward is entranced by Bella and her daughter as they are all caught in the Christmas Eve rush. His kindness may come back to him, bringing him everything he's wished for. Just for fun.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,330 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 62 - Follows: 21 - Published: 12/25/2009 - Complete
Up to Speed by ericastwilight reviews
Race car driver Edward Cullen has wrecked his car again. In desperate need of sponsors his team take on a brilliant engineer, Bella Swan. Besides trying to win the Sprint Cup, Edward finds himself racing for Bella's heart. Editing in process.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 39 - Words: 145,663 - Reviews: 3268 - Favs: 3,539 - Follows: 1,938 - Updated: 11/18/2009 - Published: 8/20/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Beauty Within The Broken by Seraphie17 reviews
Its like Twilight but Bella is blind. She was in a car accident that killed her mum and left her stuck in Forks with Charlie. She has a guide dog called Endesha and, of course, Edward Cullen *dribble* *dribble* is included. :P
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Horror - Chapters: 9 - Words: 10,773 - Reviews: 63 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 76 - Updated: 11/14/2009 - Published: 12/24/2008 - Bella
A Night in Neverland Changes Everything by KattCullen reviews
One-Shot, first fan-fic, AH. Bella is taking her son out trick-or-treating. They arrive at the home of a girl in her son’s kindergarten class...What will Bella think of her father?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 10,879 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 178 - Follows: 24 - Published: 10/21/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Something Other by Unofficial Cullen reviews
Bella Swan is not a vampire, werewolf, or witch. She’s “something other.” Vamps/Werewolves included. Canon Pairings. Nominated for Indie TwiFic award!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 31 - Words: 63,708 - Reviews: 840 - Favs: 986 - Follows: 415 - Updated: 10/4/2009 - Published: 10/31/2008 - Complete
Sexy Playgroup Dads by SuffocatingUnderWordsOfSorrow reviews
Bella's daughter makes a new friend in playgroup and they instantly become best friends. When Bella meets the new girl's father,sparks fly but will Bella embrace the relationship with the sexy, green eyed doctor? Of course she will he's gorgeous!ExB human
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 30 - Words: 55,028 - Reviews: 2921 - Favs: 3,378 - Follows: 1,104 - Updated: 10/1/2009 - Published: 6/24/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Penpals by Calliope Jones reviews
for the "For the Love of Jasper" contest. My random take on Jasper/Alice. Jasper is a soldier in the Middle East and Alice becomes his pen-pal. See? I don't hate Alice.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,491 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 46 - Follows: 8 - Published: 9/26/2009 - Jasper, Alice - Complete
Unprecedented by PhoenixIvy reviews
Bella and Jacob are twins and werewolves. They are the alphas of the two Quiluete werewolf packs. Bella is different from the other wolves. And what will happen when the Cullens show up in Forks? For now this story is rated T for language.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 27 - Words: 44,573 - Reviews: 376 - Favs: 339 - Follows: 193 - Updated: 9/16/2009 - Published: 3/20/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
My Personal War by TheBloodyBlackRabbit reviews
The Civil War is raging Alices brothers are off fighting for the north. when one comes home without the other Alice takes it upon herself to find him, by joinign the war. When death threatens can Alice do the one thing to stay alive join the enemy Human
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 16,017 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 9/7/2009 - Published: 8/14/2009 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Second Chances by Kitrino reviews
Edward had more reasons to leave Bella behind this time. After 70 years, he found out that he left something more. How will he and the Cullens deal with it? Canon Pairings.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 33 - Words: 65,091 - Reviews: 458 - Favs: 371 - Follows: 182 - Updated: 8/30/2009 - Published: 5/26/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Jasper's Promise by 4-eyedDragon reviews
MOSTLY HUMAN! It is 1860, and 17-year old Jasper Whitlock is heading off to fight in the Civil War. On the night before he leaves, he and his younger sister talk, and he makes a promise to her. Brotherly/Sisterly Bonding! No Romance at all! ONESHOT!
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,799 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 5 - Published: 8/28/2009 - Jasper - Complete
One Shot: Hospitals and Heartbreak by xvampiree reviews
Edward left Bella before they knew she was pregnant. They both leave Forks and Edward's a resident at the hospital Bella starts working at. Will he finally meet his daughter? Will Bella finally find out the real reson why he left her? AU AH Canon couples.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,841 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 179 - Follows: 51 - Published: 8/22/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Losing My Head by Shoes-are-my-kryptonite reviews
Bella and Edward are married with twins. Edward is offered a new position of importance. After excepting problems ensue. All Human.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 38 - Words: 89,482 - Reviews: 308 - Favs: 314 - Follows: 136 - Updated: 8/20/2009 - Published: 1/26/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Return to Me by staceygirl aka jackbauer reviews
Based on the movie Return to Me. Bella received an organ transplant and a chance at life she never thought she'd have. Edward's world ended when his love died unexpectedly, but he's finally ready to live again when he meets a strange and amusing waitress.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 32 - Words: 122,825 - Reviews: 1677 - Favs: 1,345 - Follows: 498 - Updated: 8/7/2009 - Published: 1/7/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Guns and Roses by RosieWilde reviews
Bella and Edwardʼs relationship is interrupted by WWI. He dreams of glory as a soldier, and she must figure out life without him. A moving story of how friendship turns to love when survival is in doubt. ExB AU/AH. Finalist in the Indie TwiFic Awards.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 38 - Words: 156,809 - Reviews: 1492 - Favs: 678 - Follows: 386 - Updated: 8/4/2009 - Published: 12/13/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
To Live? by MeltingInHisGoldenEyes reviews
Bella was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer at the age of 14. With her time on this earth shortened her best friend is determined to give her what she always wanted. Edward Cullen is the famous son of the world famous doctor Carlisle Cullen. ALL HUMAN
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 9 - Words: 17,170 - Reviews: 282 - Favs: 231 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 7/2/2009 - Published: 11/20/2008 - Complete
Bella Swan: Kidnapper by Kambria Rain reviews
Um. Hi. I don’t really know how to say this, but I have your kids with me, and I was thinking maybe you would like them back. So yeah… call me.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 74,736 - Reviews: 8710 - Favs: 14,175 - Follows: 2,937 - Updated: 6/27/2009 - Published: 5/15/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Recognition by Mismatched.Harmony reviews
Angela POV. Angela goes to the library to study for a civil war report,what happens when she sees a familiar face in her research.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 755 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 44 - Follows: 13 - Published: 6/5/2009 - Angela - Complete
Before I Die by sisterhoodfan reviews
Edward has cancer. He knows that he'll die soon, and before that happens, he wants to have fun with his life. He doesn't want to find love, but as he has 'fun', he meets a girl, named Bella. AH AU BxE
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 23,966 - Reviews: 795 - Favs: 305 - Follows: 158 - Updated: 6/1/2009 - Published: 5/1/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Dog Days of Summer by Lost in Believing reviews
CoWritten with Friends For Life Literally. The first truly hot day in a long while, and Bella wants to fry eggs on the sidewalk. When that doesn’t work, she tries to make her breakfast on another heat sorce...Her hot werewolf friend, Jacob Black. One shot
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,210 - Reviews: 67 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 8 - Published: 3/16/2009 - Complete
Doctor Girl by Sophia24 reviews
Bella is left to babysit her niece Emmett and Rosalie's daughter and when Edward comes to pick Bella up he gets a bit of a shock. all human
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,419 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 79 - Follows: 19 - Published: 11/16/2008 - Bella, Edward - Complete
The Travelin' soldier by amakuxchou reviews
what if Alice and jasper lived as humans at the same time. And what if when Jasper went to war Vampires never found him? Based off the song "Travelin' Soldier"by the dixie chicks. All human.A/J one-shot
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,151 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 3 - Published: 7/24/2008 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Experimentation by Cupid's Jinx reviews
Bella finds out if you can really fry an egg on a werewolf. //Set During Eclipse// \\ONE-SHOT ONLY\\
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 350 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 3 - Published: 7/6/2008 - Complete
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

My Saving Grace reviews
After Bella adopts a little girl her best friend helps her overcome the hardships associated with this small child. Little does she know he's in love with her and would do anything to make her happy including love her daughter.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 40 - Words: 86,111 - Reviews: 625 - Favs: 426 - Follows: 439 - Updated: 3/24 - Published: 8/13/2010 - Bella, Jasper
Raising Hell reviews
Third Installment in the Whole Series. Follow the Pack as a new threat emerges and the everyday life of being a part of a pack and also raising a pack.
Twilight - Rated: K - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 6 - Words: 8,659 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 68 - Updated: 3/22 - Published: 12/16/2014 - Bella, Paul
Problem's Rising reviews
Sequel to Finally Whole, must read to understand. Everything seems to be finally settling down and Bella and Paul have the family they wanted, but when the past comes back can they stay together?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 34 - Words: 43,897 - Reviews: 413 - Favs: 289 - Follows: 195 - Updated: 12/16/2014 - Published: 10/1/2010 - Paul, Bella - Complete
Finally Whole reviews
Bella's heart has been broken for the last time, or at least that is what she thinks. What she doesn't know is that there is more than one creature that lives in the shadows and one just might catch her eye and maybe more.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 76 - Words: 108,613 - Reviews: 1039 - Favs: 795 - Follows: 358 - Updated: 12/16/2014 - Published: 4/6/2010 - Paul, Bella - Complete
It's Never Over reviews
Isabella Swan is a three thousand year old vampire/werewolf. She is out on a hunt when she gets corned by the Cullen's and the La Push pack. What will happened and what happens when the Volturi come to kill the pack? Characters may be OOC.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 30 - Words: 53,520 - Reviews: 421 - Favs: 346 - Follows: 252 - Updated: 1/14/2012 - Published: 11/23/2009 - Bella, Edward
Cinderella reviews
Bella is Charlie's little princess. Don't own anything Twilight related.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,143 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 8 - Published: 1/25/2011 - Bella - Complete
A Night of Memories reviews
One-Shot Christmas Special. Bella remembers her life with her love; Brady
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,118 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 29 - Published: 12/27/2010 - Brady, Bella - Complete
A Flame for Christmas reviews
One-Shot Christmas Special. Bella's house catches fire around Christmas and Jasper is the fire fighter to help.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,260 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 17 - Published: 12/27/2010 - Jasper, Bella - Complete
Home for the Holidays reviews
Christmas Special, One-Shot, a Jasper and Alice Christmas. Not everyone has a home for Christmas.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,686 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12/24/2010 - Jasper, Alice - Complete
A Family Christmas reviews
One-Shot, Christmas Special, a Paul and Bella Christmas with the family
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,449 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 64 - Follows: 16 - Published: 12/24/2010 - Paul, Bella - Complete
The Aftermath reviews
A member of the Weasley family is killed and Draco must deal with the aftermath.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,407 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 4 - Published: 12/13/2010 - Draco M., Ginny W. - Complete
The Past That Made Me reviews
Bella and Jasper were brother and sister that got separated. Eleven years later they meet again as well as the Cullen's, but can they really get along and what does Raven the famous singer have to do with them. AH/OOC
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 39 - Words: 75,484 - Reviews: 359 - Favs: 226 - Follows: 152 - Updated: 8/17/2010 - Published: 11/18/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Light Inside The Dark reviews
Jasper get's shot in the civil war, just a one shot, but it can be turned into a full story if you want.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 895 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 5/25/2010 - Published: 2/14/2010 - Jasper, Alice