A Clockwork Pumelo
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Joined 11-15-09, id: 2146786, Profile Updated: 01-20-16
Author has written 15 stories for Naruto, Artemis Fowl, and Doctor Who.

Aaaaand I haven't posted anything on here for over five years. That's as good a reason as any to dust off my keyboard and start vomiting new homemade fan-fiction all over the internet.

Does it involve ninjas or Time Lords? Then I ship it like Fed-Ex.

Please call me out on my grammar, spelling, and usage mistakes.

Don't tell me I should put trigger warnings on any of my stuff.

There is a high probability that I lurk on all your M stories.

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Fetish? What's A Fetish? by Serac reviews
Naruto must learn about something. Something that will change his life, and the lives of those around him. Whether it be for the better or worse remains to be seen but, either way, Naruto is going to learn about sex.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 24 - Words: 89,428 - Reviews: 1676 - Favs: 1,834 - Follows: 1,645 - Updated: 10/30/2015 - Published: 12/28/2006 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Ino Y.
Dear Diary by Liisiko reviews
In the interest of keeping accurate records of the Akatsuki's rise to power, and for his own sick amusement mostly for his amusement .The "leader" of Akatsuki has ordered everyone to keep a journal of their lives. I really hate him sometimes.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 8,311 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 12/1/2010 - Published: 10/6/2009 - Madara U.
Akatsuki Pro by Victor Weiss reviews
The Akatsuki have given up their futile attempts at capturing the blond fool, so now, they do something else that makes their days go by, all tha while keeping them sharp...Gaming, yes, click and read to find out, I do not own anything mentioned, RnR plz.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 19 - Words: 18,926 - Reviews: 107 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 6/16/2010 - Published: 6/10/2009 - Akatsuki, Deidara
Accomplice in the Woodchipper by Arzosah reviews
One-shot. Akatsuki crack. In which Kakuzu kills his partners, Orochimaru stalks Itachi, Pein struggles to maintain order, and everyone else just kinda lets it happen. Rated for violence and swearing. Please read and review. Format correction update .
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,782 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 107 - Follows: 17 - Published: 5/11/2010 - Pain/Pein, Akatsuki - Complete
Sasuke Dolls by inkspot823 reviews
Shikamaru is watching as Sakura vents her frustration on some Home-made Sasuke dolls. But what effect will her frustrations have on the Sound Village?
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,017 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 173 - Follows: 61 - Updated: 3/13/2010 - Published: 1/19/2010 - Sakura H., Sasuke U. - Complete
Lasting Fears by inkspot823 reviews
Naruto and Kiba decide to take refuge from the rain at the Hyuuga Compound, and things are going just fine and dandy untill somebody starts screaming! Can our heroes save the day? ;
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,365 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 7 - Published: 1/17/2010 - Kiba I., Neji H. - Complete
Akatsuki's Answering Machine by Secret Sheik reviews
This may be the feudal era, but Akatsuki needs an answering machine for all the calls they get. However, sometimes the answering machine can get pretty weird...
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 3,982 - Reviews: 95 - Favs: 109 - Follows: 54 - Updated: 1/2/2010 - Published: 6/13/2009 - Akatsuki
Saturday by Heki564 reviews
A typical Saturday for the Akatsuki. sort of a crack fic... just an idea i came up with last year and i'm adding on to it... rated for language COMPLETE!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 7,807 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 11/25/2009 - Published: 2/8/2009 - Akatsuki, Orochimaru - Complete
Madara's Problems by Googala2 reviews
Madara has some problems...
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 774 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 5 - Published: 11/16/2009 - Madara U., Izuna U. - Complete
The Confusion of Ones Gender by Escape-reality23 reviews
This is just some crack my mind came up with.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 922 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 6 - Published: 11/8/2009 - Madara U., Nagato U. - Complete
The List by VA23 reviews
Madara has a list of things he'd like to do. Some of them are a bit megalomaniac, some are a bit out there. Crack story. One shot.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 512 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 8 - Published: 10/20/2009 - Madara U. - Complete
Bonedancer by KarasuNoMai reviews
Kimimaro would die the day he ceased to dance. KimimaroCharacterStudy
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,751 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 9 - Published: 6/4/2009 - Kimimaro K. - Complete
Farmer Madara by RM-1308 reviews
Old Madara had a...organasation?
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 495 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 3 - Published: 6/3/2009 - Madara U., Akatsuki - Complete
Fright Fest by dead drifter reviews
crack!Akatsuki Halloween! Or is it?
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 8 - Words: 9,150 - Reviews: 68 - Favs: 78 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 12/24/2008 - Published: 12/18/2008 - Pain/Pein, Konan - Complete
Cruisin' USA by dead drifter reviews
crack!Akatsuki. Sir Leader thinks it’s about time that everyone in Akatsuki learns how to drive! Featuring school bus hijackings, transvestite hookers, hit and runs, a professional drunk driving course, grand theft auto, sexual harassment and MORE!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,823 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 38 - Follows: 28 - Published: 8/3/2008 - Pain/Pein, Obito U.
Akatsuki Home Cooking by dead drifter reviews
crack!Akatsuki! Learn to cook from our beloved evil organization! Rated for sexual mentions no sexual content .
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,671 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 33 - Published: 8/3/2008 - Itachi U., Zetsu
The Terrible Tale of the Akatsuki by Lychenne Laki reviews
...And the effects of Christmas excess. This is all about how the Akatsuki would spend their holidays. Featuring orochimaru, kimimaro, lots of yaoi. Rated M for: sex, drugs, rock n roll, violence, assaulted house plants, un sensible drinking and ofc YAOI
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 7 - Words: 22,451 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 1/6/2008 - Published: 12/24/2007 - Tayuya, Obito U. - Complete
KIMIMARO: The Owner's Guide & Maintenance Manual by ZGMF-X9999GenesisOmega reviews
Do you desire a unit that can inspire you to drink milk? If that is the case, the KIMIMARO KAGUYA unit is perfect for you!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 955 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 3 - Published: 1/2/2008 - Kimimaro K. - Complete
Orochimaru's World Famous New Year's Eve Party by dead drifter reviews
Sequel to “The Ten Days of Akatsuki Christmas.” Featuring unauthorized Furby breeding, the purpose of Kimimaro’s zig zag hair parting, drunken sex, pimping puppets, Hot Cheatos, revealing New Year’s resolutions and more!
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 31,426 - Reviews: 86 - Favs: 60 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 1/1/2008 - Published: 12/18/2007 - Complete
Depth Perception by Bringer of the Storm reviews
Kakashi and retraining. [You're not adjusting for a lack of depth perception.] Possible spoilers for Kakashi Gaiden.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 516 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 5 - Published: 8/27/2006 - Kakashi H., Minato N. - Complete
Pulsate by Odyssion reviews
It's a little game Kakashi likes to play, counting the heartbeats of his victims before they died.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,070 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 91 - Follows: 15 - Published: 1/7/2006 - Kakashi H. - Complete
Splinter by bite the hand that feeds reviews
Nine year old Kakashi has table manners. Of course he does. Very short oneshot.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,270 - Reviews: 69 - Favs: 377 - Follows: 55 - Published: 9/28/2005 - Kakashi H., Minato N. - Complete
Butter Side Up by bite the hand that feeds reviews
A Gennin Kakashi is faced with a Very Scientific Experiment!
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,249 - Reviews: 89 - Favs: 304 - Follows: 42 - Published: 8/29/2005 - Kakashi H., Minato N. - Complete
The Life of a Kage Bunshin by Serpent Folmae reviews
Naruto sacrifices a lot of Kage Bunshins without much thought, but even they deserve some insight on their short momments of living. Takes place when Naruto fights Kimimaro in a random bunshin's POV. It's got some humor here and there. Oneshot.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,180 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 39 - Follows: 10 - Published: 6/28/2005 - Naruto U., Kimimaro K. - Complete
Handle With Care by Kilerkki reviews
Konoha's youngest jounin is assigned to teach the village's youngest genin. [Oneshot: Yondaime and Kakashi]
Naruto - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 692 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 154 - Follows: 23 - Published: 6/2/2005 - Minato N., Kakashi H. - Complete
Cheating Skills by bite the hand that feeds reviews
In the years since its invention, the Cheating Skills section of the Chuunin Exam had never changed. Hatake Kakashi has a secret weapon...
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,668 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 861 - Follows: 150 - Published: 5/15/2005 - Kakashi H., Minato N. - Complete
Icha Icha Speculation by Nezuko reviews
Ficlet: Genma and Kakashi discuss literature while on a mission. Yaoi implied: GenmaxRaidoxIrukaxKakashixAnko
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 987 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 7 - Published: 3/9/2005 - Genma S., Kakashi H. - Complete
A Study in Secrets by Chevira Lowe reviews
Kakashi Gaiden fic. Light-hearted and just plain strange. Obito wants to know just what's with the mask, and Kakashi's not quite used to giving his secrets away.
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,400 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 224 - Follows: 40 - Published: 2/13/2005
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Dance With Me reviews
"Doesn't the universe implode or something, if you... dance?" Jack takes a hint, Rose has a moment, Nine goes along with it, and the meddling TARDIS gets exactly what she wants. A headcannon continuation of the closing scene at the end of "The Doctor Dances". Oneshot. Rose/Nine.
Doctor Who - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,005 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 2 - Published: 1/10/2016 - 9th Doctor, Jack H., Rose T., TARDIS - Complete
Icha Icha Bunshin: Orochimaru reviews
First in a series of dubiously unique, clone-themed... shenanigans. Contains hot, kinky Oro-on-Oro action, filthy speculative humor from the rest of the gang, and a thoroughly traumatized Sasuke. WARNING: Mature, somewhat disturbing sexual content.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,197 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 8 - Published: 3/20/2012 - Orochimaru
Tauyua's Playlist reviews
Good old times with the Sound Four, Akatsuki, Sand Siblings, and everyone else who doesn't give a crap if it's not canon to have wild parties in the Sound village! Set to Tayuya's playlist, this adventure is part angst, part romance, and completely CRACK!
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,294 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 2/26/2011 - Published: 2/25/2011 - Tayuya, Akatsuki
A Normal Day, Or Kimi and Tayuya Sitting in a Tree reviews
Kimi/Tay.Kidoumaru bashing & rampant scuirophobia.Beware the wrath of the flute.Involves some Kabuto/Oro,alcohol,drugs & a missing sleeping bag.Crack.Citrus later on.CH9:Ever watched 'The Birds?This is The Squirrels. NOT related to Favorite Damn Disease.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 15,322 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 6/19/2010 - Published: 12/21/2009 - Kimimaro K., Tayuya
The Horrible Tale Of The Akatsuki
Dedicated to Lychenne Laki and her story, Terrible Tale of the Akatsuki, and the fact that Valentines day SUCKS LOTS OF STUFF. A tale of Valentines day excess featuring LOTS of hilarious, non-kid-friendly things. Chapter 2 finally up! Mardi Gras!
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,987 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 6/17/2010 - Published: 2/14/2010 - Akatsuki, Hidan
Akatsuki Shorts And Other Unmentionables reviews
Shorts about life in Akatsuki,by the Akatsuki.Each member will have one or more chapters eventually but right now I'm starting with chapters for Zetsu and Deidara.Some swearing,debates on how many mouths Deidara has, and mentions of naughtiness may occur.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,513 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 1 - Published: 2/16/2010 - Deidara, Zetsu
Youth and Skill Vs Age and Treachery reviews
Just what it says. Gai VS. Kakashi in the ultimate knock-down, drag-out, laugh-your-butt-off crack-slinging WAR. Started as a drawing, morphed to fanfic, shows signs of mutating into a series. Ch2:Why Kakashi wears a mask: "So I DON'T bring sexy back."
Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,757 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 1/24/2010 - Published: 1/20/2010 - Kakashi H., Gai M.
You're My Favorite Damn Disease reviews
Kimimaro and Tayuya's back story, love story, ghost story. This is my interpretation of the history behind their first meeting in the anime/manga. Set to the tune of "Figured You Out" by Nickleback. Have tissues, you'll need them. M for good reasons.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,614 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 2 - Published: 1/10/2010 - Kimimaro K., Tayuya - Complete
You Just Got Bone'd! reviews
So yeah, Kimimaro's boredom is getting the better of him so he goes around Boneing everything in sight. Kabuto is first up for boneing. Pure snow white crack. Shows signs of mutating into a series. Rated T for pretty words and vaguely suggestive themes.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,560 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 1/3/2010 - Published: 12/26/2009 - Kimimaro K., Kabuto Y.
Phone Calls and Fan Art reviews
Just a little story I wrote with Artemis, Holly and Foaly discussing the merits of their graphic novel, Foaly finding inappropriate fan art, Artemis stripping, and all of them breaking the fourth wall. Why is inside.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,130 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 2 - Published: 12/27/2009 - Artemis F., Holly S. - Complete
Wait, WHAT Are They Doing? reviews
Deidara hears Pein and Konan doing... something in their room, and stops to listen. Little does he know, oh, little does he know... Crack fic, pure, snow white and giggle inducing. T for potential for mental damage from reading this.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 781 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12/26/2009 - Konan, Pain/Pein - Complete
Sasori's Bringing Sexy Back But He Needs Help reviews
Title is self explanatory. Everyone seems to be trippin' over the redhead, now that he's gone. But Deidara is trippin' even more, because he just might get his best frienemy back, and get rid of Tobi. Major Tobi-Bashing and some Konan/Pein if you squint.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 3,022 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 12/22/2009 - Published: 11/22/2009 - Deidara, Akatsuki
Why Hidan and Kakuzu Make Ideal Partners
Hidan: I give that greedy old geezer everything, including my heart. Literally. And what does he do to thank me? Why, by playing head-soccer of course! Guess who gets to be the ball? Rated T for blood, gore, and lots of words that had to be bleeped out.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,249 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12/22/2009 - Hidan, Kakuzu
Chronicles of the Crimson Poppy
A collection of fiction about my OC, Aka Keshi, Koorikage of the Village Hidden in the Frost. Yes, I'm aware that nobody cares about OC's. However, this is well-written and interesting, also being revamped. Rated M for... let's see just about everything.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 4 - Words: 10,807 - Updated: 12/20/2009 - Published: 11/25/2009 - Pain/Pein, Kimimaro K.
Orochimaru and the Internets reviews
It all starts with a computer.Features Helpless Computer,Confused Sasuke,Jealous Kabuto,Sick Kimimaro,and Orochimaru himself...who knew he wore black silk boxers?A wee bit of Oro/Kimi if you squint like Itachi.Oh,and Kimimaro finds a purpose at last!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,516 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 2 - Published: 11/19/2009 - Orochimaru, Kimimaro K. - Complete
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Community: Unconventional Uses of Powers from Naruto
Focus: Anime/Manga Naruto