SkittleE
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Joined 11-20-09, id: 2152103, Profile Updated: 11-30-10
Author has written 5 stories for Moonlight, and Twilight.

I love Twilight, and Harry Potter, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians, I don't have a life basically seeing all I do is read.

Weird things about me: I plot to destroy large franchise company's, I hate pepperoni, and hard-shelled tacos, I MST3K anything, I think Oreos are of the devil, any pizza that isn't frozen is evil to me, I constantly make plans to kidnap my brother, I've tried slamming a revolving door, and so on...

I try to update my stories as often as I can but seeing as Windows Parental Controls destroy everything near and dear to me I can't do that very often. Reviews are always greatly appreciated, unless they're bashing my story. Then I'll just hate you. I love thinking, "What if I had been there?" and that happens so many times I've gotten confused on what I'd do where. So I'll probably find a way to work myself into every story. My Moonlight story is currently on hiatus so that I can work on Cheshire Cat. For all of you who think the prologue for that story is extremely stupid and cheesy, I do to. Trust me. But I have an idea to go along with that which will come into play later in the story, so don't give up on it!

The Rules of Hogwarts

1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball

2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office

3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter

4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick

5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar

6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination

7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"

8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.

9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus's "time of the month"

10) I am not allowed to make light sabre sounds with my wand

11) I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals

12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"

13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work"

14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot

15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it

16) I will not lock the Slytherin's and Gryffindor's in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive

17) I will not charm the suits of armour to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast

18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day"

19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways

20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor

21) I will not use the phrase, "Get a Life" when talking to Voldemort

22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy

23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling

24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full"

25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell

26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate

27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways, not even on Halloween

28) I will not poke Hufflepuff's with spoons, nor shall I insist that their colours indicate that they're "covered in bee's"

29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge

30) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core"

31) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm, not even if they are in Slytherin

32) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers

33) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion

34) I will not call the Weasly twins, "bookends"

35) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts

36) I do not have an Emmett Cullen Patronous

37) I will not lick Trevor

38) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labelled, "Firewhiskey"

39) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween and ask Harry if he forgives me

40) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously

41) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions

42) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet

43) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice

44) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape or Draco Malfoy is the Voice of God

45)I will not ask Sirius if he's serious

Marauder’s Code of Conduct

1. All Slytherins are disgusting and all should be hated with a passion.

2. Pranking is a necessity.

3. Must have the ability to keep a secret.

4. Making a move on Lily Evans is forbidden unless you are Prongs.

5. Must have a cool nickname.

6. Respect the fears and challenges for fellow Marauders.

7. Teachers are fun to mess with, do it at least once a week.

8. Stick up for fellow Marauders.

9. Do not refer to Moony’s furry little problem as “his time of the month”.

10. Marauders first, everything else, second.

Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is.

Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’.

Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever.

Professor Moody … the best ‘teaching’ Hoqwarts has seen in a while.

Professor McGonagall … does not take herself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell her.

Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’.

Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy.

Draco Malfoy … disagrees.

Hermione Granger … has PMS and a wand.

Ron Weasley … is very afraid.

Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thanks very much.

Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.

Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.

George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry.

Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter.

James Potter … doesn’t believe her.

Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’.

Sirius Black … killed by drapery.

Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggle – screw the consequences.

Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane.

Narcissa Black … would like a new hairbrush.

Lucius Malfoy … does not like to be referred to as ‘Luscious Mouthful’.

Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence.

Gryffindors … will jump off a cliff.

Slytherins … will push someone else off.

Hufflepuffs… will call five hundred others and build a staircase.

Ravenclaws … will get hold of a flying carpet.

(I'm not one for re-posting things that tell you to re-post, but I just had to try for this. I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd like a million dollars in twelve minutes.)

There's a 13 year old girl, and she wished
that her dad would come home from
the army, because he'd been having
problems with his heart and right
leg. It was 2:53 p.m . When she made
her wish. At 3:07 p.m. (14 minutes
later), the doorbell rang, and
there her Dad was, luggage and all!!

I'm Katie and I'm 20 and I've been
having trouble in my job and on the
verge of quitting. I made a simple
wish that my boss would get a new
job. That was at 1:35 and at 2:55
there was an announcement that he
was promoted and was leaving for
another city. Believe me...this
really works!

My name is Ann and I am 45 years
of age. I had always been single
and had been hoping to get into a
nice, loving relationship for many
years. While kind of daydreaming
(and right after receiving this email)
I wished that a quality person would
finally come into my life. That was at
9:10 AM on a Tuesday. At 9:55 AM
a FedEx delivery man came into my
office.He was cute, polite and
could not stop smiling at me. He
started coming back almost everyday
(even without packages) and asked me
out a week later. We married 6
months later and now have been
happily married for 2 years.

What a great email it was!!

Just scroll down to the end, but
while you do, think of a wish.
Make your wish when you have completed
scrolling. Whatever age you are, is the
number of minutes it will take for your
wish to come true. ex.you are 25 years
old, it will take 25 minutes for your wish
to come true).

Go for it!

SCROLL DOWN!

STOP!

Congratulations! Your wish will
now come true in your age minutes.

Now follow this carefully...it
can be very rewarding!

If you repost this within the next 5 min.
something major that you've been wanting
will happen.

FAKE FRIENDS/BEST FRIENDS

FAKE FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

FAKE FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.

BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

FAKE FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.

BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, "Walk much, dumb ass?"

FAKE FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.

BEST FRIENDS: Kidnaps him and brings him to you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.

BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.

BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool withyouatthat time of the month.

BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.

FAKE FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.

BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, "Run, girl ,run!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Will help you move.

BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.

BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.

BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FAKE FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.

BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying quote;"DAMN!" we messed up!

FAKE FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.

BEST FRIENDS: Won't tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.

FAKE FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.

BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FAKE FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.

BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FAKE FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.

BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.

BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's ass that left you

FAKE FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.

BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FAKE FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.

BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FAKE FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.

BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say "Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don't waste!

FAKE FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)

BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

Randoms Funnies

~Three women were on an airplane.One woman took a bite out of an apple and thought it was too sweet,so she threw it out the window. THe second woman took a bite out of an lemon and thought it was to sour, so she threw it out the window. The third woman took a bite out of a hand grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so she threw it out the window. A few minutes later they landed the plane and started walking. They came across a little boy crying. One woman asked they little boy, "Why are you crying?" To which he replied, "AN apple fell out of the sky andhit my puppy on the head and killed it." THey told him they were sorry and kept walking. A few minutes later the women came across a crying little girl. The second woman asked, "Why are you crying?" The little girl said, " A lemon fell out of the sky and hit my poor kitty on the head and killed it." Tey told her they were sorry and kept walking. A few minutes later th women came across a blond laughing histerically. THe third woman asked her, "Why in the cheez-its are you laughing so hard!?" The blond wiping tears of laughter out of her eyes said, " I farted and the building behind me blew up!!"

~He Said:
I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
She Said:
You wear pants don't you?

~A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, ‘Mother of Six’ in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, ‘Father of Four’."

~Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either," and storms out of the house.
After some time, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.? She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated husband says, "What took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

~The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching!"
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

~A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Because your feet aren't empty."

~A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother,
she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

~A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher: asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".

~One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy:
Tommy do you see the tree
outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. Possibly he just doesn't exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she possibly may not even have one

~Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'
The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'

~A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
_

I am a girl.
Harsh but vulnerable.
Sarcastic but silly.
Stupid but thoughtful.
Thorny but tender.
Funny but serious.
Loud but passive.
Dramatic but bland.
An open book.
Easy to love & easy to hate.
Clutzy but occasionally coordinated.
Independent, but dependent on friends.
An oxymoron
A muddling paradox
An unsolvable contradiction
And totally proud of it.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso .

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives,They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner."Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...Copy and Paste this into your profile!!

No I do not have kids nor am i an adult. Oldness, ew. i had to post it, it told me 2!

Annoying things to do in an elevator

1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in
there?"

2) STAND silent and motionless in the
corner facing the wall without getting off.

3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt
and strain to yank the doors open, then
act as if you're embarrassed when they
open themselves.

4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake
and ask him or her to call you Admiral.

5) MEOW occasionally.

6) STARE At another passenger for a
while. Then announce in horror: "You're
one of THEM" - and back away slowly

7) SAY -DING at each floor.

8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And
push all the red buttons.

9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone
presses a button.

10) STARE, grinning at another passenger
for a while, then announce: "I have new
socks on."

11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look
around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

12) TRY to make personal calls on the
emergency phone.

13) DRAW a little square on the floor
with chalk and announce to the other
passengers: "This is my personal space."

14) WHEN there's only one other person
in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.

15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they
give you a shock. Smile, and go back for
more.

16) ASK if you can push the button for
other people but push the wrong ones.

17) HOLD the doors open and say you're
waiting for your friend. After a while,
let the doors close and say "Hi Greg,
How's your day been?"

18) DROP a pen and wail until someone
reaches to help pick it up, then scream:
"That's mine!"

19) BRING a camera and take pictures of
everyone in the lift.

20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant
and review emergency procedures and
exits with the Passengers.

21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.

22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.

THINGS TO DO AT THE MALL

1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and clean your teeth.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

15. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"

16. Throw skittles at people and yell, "Taste the rainbow, bitch!"

17. Go the toy section, get a light-saber and start challenging people to a Jedi match.

18. Follow a random person and if they turn and ask why are you following me yell, "No I won't have sex with you!"

You Know You Live In 2008 When You...

1.)You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.)You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have an email or facebook or myspace
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.)As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you keep reading this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.)And you were to busy to notice number 5
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.)Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did!

9 Things I Hate About Everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their butts!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 to come to the cinema and stare at the darn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, it can't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbie?

Things to remember:

You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door...

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Utter randomness!!

If you're going to criticise someone, first walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Last night, I was lying on my bed, staring up at the stars and wondering 'Where the heck is my roof?'

Ten percent of people in Britain believe that their food has a party when they shut the fridge door.

If you get sent to jail, a friend will bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, "Darn we sure screwed up!

Whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?

When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracingYou cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

-I do not suffer from insanity! I enjoy every minute of it!

-I haven't lost my mind! I sold it on eBay.

-I have plenty of common sense! I just chose to ignore it.

-Yeah, I'm a freak. BUT I'M THE COOLEST FREAK YOU'LL EVER MEET!!

-Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it felt like it! You thought I was going to say 'to get to the other side' didn't you! I tricked you!! eh heh!

-if olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

-Love your enemies. And that's only one way to annoy them!

-tell the truth and RUN FOR IT

-If everything is going well in my mind then you have overlooked something

-you cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder

-The one who smiles when all goes wrong has thought of someone to blame

-I got you a present. It's a CD. I hope you don't have it already coz I don't have the receipt. i didn't exactly buy it.

-When in doubt, make up words

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.

-Silence is golden, duct tape is silver

-Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out

-Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

-Im not saying your stupid im just implying it

-I had a freind once... but then hs rope boke and he ran for it.

-I took the road less traveled... NOW WHERE THE HECK AM I?

1.) Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.

2.) Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

3.)If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

4.)Would you like a cookie? So would I.

5.)You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear

6.)A day without sunshine is like... night.

7.) A rejected invention:Instant water! just add water!

8.) Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

9.) I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.

10.) If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.

11.)America is a free country. Of course, you can't get that freedom untill you are eighteen, but that's okay, because when you do turn eighteen, you get a bunch of privlieges, like doing jury duty, paying taxes, and paying off bills...

12.)A stranger will stab you in the back, a friend will stab you in the front, a boyfriend will stab you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

13.)Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

14.)Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

15.)"I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not." Now remember whoever came up with that quote is an idiot. Why the hell would you not want to be loved?

16.)My favorite word is sarcasm.

17.)It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.

18.)I've got things to break, people to laugh at, objects to drool over and who knows what else.

19.)At the start of your life, you will be awarded a lifetime supply of air. Use it wisely.

20.)I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

21.)When I say LOL I'm not laughing out loud. I just have nothing better to say.

22.)I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

23.)When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.

24.) The dark side has cookies, but we have pie. Blueberry, to be exact.

25.)Be who you are and say what you feel for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind

26.)Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved problems?

27.)Education is important. school however, is another matter.

28.)What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

29.)Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...

30.)Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?

31.)Don’t mess with me, I've got a stick

32.)A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

33.)If you can stay calm when all around you is complete chaos, you probably haven't fully understood the situation.

34.)Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

35.) When life gives you lemon, throw them back and tell life to make its own dang lemonade!!

36.)When life gives you lemons, throw it in the trash and tell life you'd rather have money.

37.)My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.

38.)1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you.

39.)there are 3 kinds of people in this world. those who can do math and those who can't.

40.)dont worry about the people in your past, theres a reason they didnt make it to your future

41.)The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

42.)Its not until you're broken that you know what you're made of.

43.)Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.

44.)When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eyes.

45.)When life give you lemons, make apple juice and let the world wonder how you did it.

46.)Everyone has a wild side--me and my friends just prefer to make them public.

47.)EMO=Extravagantly Made Oragami

48.)Labels are for cans. And in case you haven't noticed--Im not a can.

49.)Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

50.) (ok this ones long) I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that trash up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!!

51.)Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

52.)Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

53.)You're intoxocated by my very presence!

54.)I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends jk u guys r awsome(gravy)

55.)I ran with scissors, and lived!

56.)Everything here is eatable. I'm eatable, but that my children is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies. (charlie and the chocolate factory)

57.)I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

58.)BRB, I'm busy trying to jump off the roof with the kitchen broom.

59.)Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

60.)BE nice to losers. one day they might be cool!

61.)There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

62.)Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers. -

63.) What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

64.) "Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

65.)A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

66.)worst excuse for not turning in nomework: i couldent find anyone to copy it from

67.)the only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory

68.) he who laughs last didnt get it

69.)when theres a will i want to be in it

70.) Do not lead me into temptation. I can find it myself

71.)the number of people watching you is directly proportinal to the stupidity of your action

72.) when everything's coming your way, your in the wrong lane

73.) i couldnt repair your brakes, so i made your horn louder

74.) Everyone makes mistakes. the trick is to make mistakes when no one is looking

75.)Being mature is overrated

76.)Being weird is like being normal, only better.

77.)I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.

78.)Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

79.)it takes 42 muscles to frown 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

80.)I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

81.)Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life

82.)If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk

83.)I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth

84.)Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

85.)Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

86.)WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff

87.)Person#1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!

88.)Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...

89.)If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

90.)I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

91.)Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

92.)I'm not random, i just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!

93.)When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand candy.

94.)When life gives you lemons, keep them; because hey, free lemons!

Copy these to your profile and add your own! Together we shall make the list of infinite stupid advice!

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Left Behind by sexyoutlaw reviews
What would happen if instead of staying with Bella after she saved him from the Volturi, Edward decided to leave again. Alice/Bella. If you don't like don't read.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 13,074 - Reviews: 102 - Favs: 123 - Follows: 211 - Updated: 4/9 - Published: 6/18/2010 - Alice, Bella
Beyond Aperture by ScotsburnChocolateMilk reviews
What if she had held on at the end? Post-Portal 2, slight AU, no humanizations.
Portal - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 19 - Words: 54,622 - Reviews: 161 - Favs: 158 - Follows: 173 - Updated: 9/22/2014 - Published: 3/23/2012 - Chell, Wheatley
Pure Revelations by georgialion reviews
E & B share a class at UDub, but not much else. She's shy & reserved as she adjusts to a new life. He's angry & isolated because of his upbringing in the mysterious and secretive LaVerrot Estates. Fate brings them together, but will their love be allowed?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 96 - Words: 647,407 - Reviews: 3952 - Favs: 1,635 - Follows: 1,360 - Updated: 7/1/2014 - Published: 1/30/2011 - Edward, Bella - Complete
The Story Of Sarelle: The Immortal Years by DeepCrimson91 reviews
Sequel to The Story of Sarelle. Sarelle St Clair has been a vampire for 137 years. This story delves into those years and follows the events that happen after the pivotal date of the 4th July 2047. Will anything be what it once was?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 29 - Words: 117,456 - Reviews: 344 - Favs: 154 - Follows: 166 - Updated: 6/24/2014 - Published: 2/11/2011 - Carlisle, Edward, OC
Serenity's Prayer by ladylibre reviews
COMPLETE! When Edward takes Bella into the forest to dump her, her reaction completely surprises him. Will this be the end of B&E or will they find a new path to forever? A canon-based yet very different AU approach to New Moon. Some OOC and OC.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 55 - Words: 242,786 - Reviews: 2634 - Favs: 1,429 - Follows: 1,166 - Updated: 5/14/2014 - Published: 12/12/2011 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Choices by twilover76 reviews
Did you ever wish Bella was more confident? Edward less rigid? Jacob less of a pain? This is Twilight if Alice saw everything coming before Bella moved to Forks. AU/Canon/M
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 41 - Words: 186,553 - Reviews: 2835 - Favs: 2,069 - Follows: 2,379 - Updated: 3/30/2014 - Published: 7/26/2011 - Edward, Bella
Down to the Marrow by Nitrospira reviews
"I've been working on a present for you. Well, 'technically' it's more of a medical experiment." After being released from the confines of Aperture, Chell is reminded that omniscient AIs rarely forgive. But they never forget.
Portal - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 23,219 - Reviews: 109 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 186 - Updated: 1/17/2014 - Published: 10/15/2011 - Chell, GLaDOS
Secrets and Ties by Simaril reviews
A soul needs more than just physical and emotional comfort. When you've waited centuries for your mate, how much longer are you willing to wait until she realizes it? What lengths are you willing to go to be with her...forever? AU OOC
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 35 - Words: 82,351 - Reviews: 1218 - Favs: 725 - Follows: 774 - Updated: 8/28/2013 - Published: 12/16/2011 - Bella, Jasper - Complete
Summerboy by Little Miss Mionie reviews
Every summer vacation, Edward was Bella's annual secret escape. At school, Bella can't hide from the whispers that she deserved what happened during "the incident". Her summery and wintry worlds collide. AH, Edward/Bella
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 15 - Words: 50,631 - Reviews: 230 - Favs: 322 - Follows: 355 - Updated: 6/3/2013 - Published: 1/18/2011 - Alice, Bella, Charlie S., Edward - Complete
Touch by tokibee reviews
They were both outsiders in a world where people constantly bent over backwards to connect to and fit in with one another. Their friendship felt easy. Even the confusing feelings he had about the latest Child, the ones that he really couldn't even bring himself to think that much about, were sort of pleasant in an awkward, private kind of way. [*UPDATE: Chapter 5*]
Evangelion - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 37,318 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 109 - Follows: 97 - Updated: 5/7/2013 - Published: 2/12/2013 - Shinji I., Kaworu N.
Fairytale by TwilightCakes reviews
Princess Alice is taken by surprise when Jasper tries to win her heart. Before she knows it, she is swept up in a love story that she has only read about in fairy tales. Is it finally her turn for love, no matter how forbidden it is? AH & AU.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 93,029 - Reviews: 377 - Favs: 118 - Follows: 142 - Updated: 4/23/2013 - Published: 7/29/2010 - Alice, Jasper
The Blizzard by sheviking reviews
Bella is walking home during a blizzard and stumbles on a homeless man on the ground. Despite her better judgment she decides to save him from the cold, and the night turns into something she never expected. ON TEMP. HIATUS.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 168,232 - Reviews: 9254 - Favs: 7,514 - Follows: 7,678 - Updated: 3/11/2013 - Published: 3/23/2010 - Bella, Edward
Pinned but Fluttering by CassandraLowery reviews
For too many years, Bella Swan has been trapped in a nightmare beyond her worst imaginings. At long last, a glimmer of a chance to escape may present itself. Will she find herself in even more danger if she dares to leave? AU w/ human Volturi. M for language & violence. #8 in Top Ten Completed Fics for Jan 2013 at TwiFanFictionRecs!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Mystery - Chapters: 60 - Words: 205,499 - Reviews: 1977 - Favs: 807 - Follows: 640 - Updated: 1/5/2013 - Published: 8/19/2011 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Hell or High Water by JenovaII reviews
Reluctantly, Chell returns to Aperture. Turrets call out to her, and GLaDOS is missing. A locked room holds the answer - but is it a trap?
Portal - Rated: K - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 42 - Words: 92,966 - Reviews: 392 - Favs: 346 - Follows: 279 - Updated: 12/28/2012 - Published: 10/26/2011 - Chell, GLaDOS - Complete
The Puppet Master by Glitch in the System reviews
What's eating Paul? What's with that flame on the water? What was Laurent doing just standing in Edward and Bella's meadow? Why does Edward care about Mike's car? Why doesn't Alice know about her past? Cammy knows.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Romance - Chapters: 86 - Words: 459,087 - Reviews: 4734 - Favs: 1,898 - Follows: 1,581 - Updated: 12/13/2012 - Published: 3/24/2008
Rogue by Openhome reviews
Rogue is the continuation of Coalescence. It is Alice and especially Jasper's journey through the Twilight Saga. Jasper's past intermingles with his present as he comes to terms with himself and his choices.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 68,811 - Reviews: 401 - Favs: 237 - Follows: 266 - Updated: 12/4/2012 - Published: 1/10/2011 - Alice, Jasper
The Sound of Silence by Besotted reviews
Bella Swan lives in a continuum between sound and silence, a world apart from what Edward Cullen knows. When their lives collide and their attraction can't be denied, can they overlook their differences and let love define them?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 30 - Words: 164,251 - Reviews: 1509 - Favs: 992 - Follows: 948 - Updated: 10/14/2012 - Published: 11/28/2011 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Dancing with the Devil's Daughter by Lynyrd Lionheart reviews
-HIATUS- Edward always said that he didn't want to damn Bella's soul, but what if it was already damned? Bella's lived in Forks her whole life, and when the Cullens arrive, it's a very different girl that they are faced with.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 6 - Words: 20,956 - Reviews: 420 - Favs: 494 - Follows: 521 - Updated: 9/17/2012 - Published: 3/15/2010 - Bella, Edward
Missing by Uki465 reviews
Bella is with Edward one night, then the next day she's in a completely different house, different family and a different life, with no memory of how she got there An unfamiliar man claims to be her husband.Edward and her old life are gone. Can she find them again? Or will she be stuck in this new life? Read and review!
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Mystery - Chapters: 16 - Words: 25,175 - Reviews: 121 - Favs: 69 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 8/3/2012 - Published: 7/21/2010 - Bella, Edward
Practical Applications of the Turing Test by sqbr reviews
A perfectly innocent and entirely human woman turns up at the house Chell has been living in since she escaped Aperture. Chell/GlaDOS.
Portal - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 21,317 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 140 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 8/1/2012 - Published: 6/29/2012 - [Chell, GLaDOS] - Complete
Meeting Myself by SammieLynnsMom reviews
One lie sealed his fate. He couldn't look back and he couldn't move on, but what happens when he finds out, sixteen years later, it was all a lie. Can he become the father she needs, and can she accept that she was really wanted? E&B in time, no cheating
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 41 - Words: 171,972 - Reviews: 2222 - Favs: 1,059 - Follows: 680 - Updated: 7/29/2012 - Published: 4/18/2011 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Marbles on Glass by MarkKB reviews
Wheatley hated space. So he decided to do something about it.
Portal - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,230 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 8 - Published: 7/27/2012 - Wheatley, Adventure Core
Something to Hide? by silentdreamer126 reviews
Hiatus. While on a trip to visit Lewis, Cleo is stuck in Seattle due to a storm. Bella and Alice are out shopping when they meet Cleo, and invite her to stay with them. Cleo soon realizes that their is something different about the Cullen family, and Cleo's differences attract the Cullens attention. Will secrets be revealed? Full Summary inside.
Crossover - Twilight & H2O: Just Add Water - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 364 - Reviews: 129 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 73 - Updated: 6/28/2012 - Published: 12/9/2010 - Bella, Cleo S.
The Punishment by thepunishment reviews
Post-game. As she regains control of Aperture, GLaDOS thinks of a far better punishment for Wheatley than floating through space for eternity. After being transferred back into his old human body and let loose in the facility, Wheatley vows to help Chell escape Aperture once and for all, but GLaDOS has other plans for the pair. Wheatley/Chell
Portal - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 18 - Words: 113,668 - Reviews: 545 - Favs: 687 - Follows: 729 - Updated: 5/18/2012 - Published: 5/7/2011 - Wheatley, Chell
Out of Phase by Rel8tivity reviews
Edward left, leaving Bella brokenhearted. The werewolf gene missed Jacob, leaving him completely mortal. What will happen to Bella now that he can no longer protect her? Canon AU. Entry in The Canon Tour Contest: New Moon Round.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 37,740 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 71 - Updated: 5/8/2012 - Published: 2/10/2012 - Bella, Edward
Beautiful Sorrow by DreamOfTheEndless reviews
Bella worshiped Carlisle, so when he proposed she didn't think twice before accepting. But then she met Edward, her fiancé's half brother & the other part of her soul. Will they be able to survive the consequences of their betrayal?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 33 - Words: 118,081 - Reviews: 2391 - Favs: 804 - Follows: 942 - Updated: 5/7/2012 - Published: 4/7/2011 - Bella, Edward
Mating Age by Lone-Angel-1992 reviews
Jacob always feared becoming of mating age, and the reason was Sam, his alpha. Who with or without Jacob's consent will be the one to mate him. Slash, AU, Mpreg, and ABUSE. It's Completed.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 21,743 - Reviews: 890 - Favs: 740 - Follows: 382 - Updated: 4/21/2012 - Published: 11/7/2009 - Jacob, Edward - Complete
Requiem of Insanity by cjmuehlb reviews
Abused and lonely Edward meets shy and mysterious Bella when they are seven. Secrets and tragedy invade their lives, but still their love endures. Can these two tortured souls find happiness in a mad world of vampires and werewolves. WARNING: Major Angst
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 16 - Words: 101,850 - Reviews: 226 - Favs: 121 - Follows: 142 - Updated: 4/21/2012 - Published: 2/13/2011 - Edward, Bella
Reversal by Obvious Octopus reviews
When a dangerous mute lunatic is put in control of the Aperture mainframe, GLaDOS and Wheatley are forced to work together to save science.
Portal - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 20 - Words: 41,601 - Reviews: 220 - Favs: 386 - Follows: 181 - Updated: 4/1/2012 - Published: 11/1/2011 - Wheatley, GLaDOS - Complete
Seeing Bella by sherryola reviews
Alice has a vision of a girl with no vision. She will either save Edward from his life of lonely brooding, or she will destroy him with his destruction of her. Can Bella discover the Cullen family secret if she can't see? Canon vamps and couples. AU
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 50 - Words: 366,996 - Reviews: 3940 - Favs: 2,447 - Follows: 1,433 - Updated: 4/1/2012 - Published: 12/22/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Reboot by Diana Law reviews
It's near the end of Breaking Dawn and the Volturi Confrontation does NOT end peacefully. They attack and Bella and Edward both die. So how come it's Bella's first day in Forks, all over again? BxE, AU Lemons & Fluff Continued From Athey! COMPLETE!
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 31 - Words: 170,767 - Reviews: 1646 - Favs: 2,056 - Follows: 1,001 - Updated: 2/25/2012 - Published: 8/9/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Fun and Games by Chloe Kompton reviews
It's all fun and games until somebody dies. Chell starts hearing GLaDOS's voice inside her head. It threatens her into returning to the Enrichment Center, but when she gets there, she finds that it's not actually the AI she's hearing...or maybe it is.
Portal - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 9,669 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 74 - Updated: 2/17/2012 - Published: 1/13/2012 - Chell, GLaDOS
While You Were Knocked Out Cold by Melolabel reviews
On his way to propose to long-time girl friend Tanya, Edward witnesses a horrific hit and run car accident. The driver's plea changes everything for Edward. "Please, don't leave me." How can he possibly abandon the unconscious beauty? AH/AU B/E
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 36 - Words: 87,530 - Reviews: 3999 - Favs: 2,231 - Follows: 1,754 - Updated: 2/16/2012 - Published: 6/28/2011 - Bella, Edward - Complete
You Found Me by Kristylized reviews
Edward Masen is nomadic vampire travelling with James and Victoria. While rampaging on the outskirts of Forks, he stumbles upon a brown-eyed girl reading in a meadow. It isn't long before he realizes there's more to being a vampire than he ever thought possible. AU.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 42 - Words: 290,816 - Reviews: 954 - Favs: 773 - Follows: 477 - Updated: 2/14/2012 - Published: 4/22/2010 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Cycle by did-you-reboot reviews
When the Earth begins to rebuild itself following the Combine takeover, one Aperture Science inexplicably returns to public view headed by a certain lunatic. Sort of an alternate Resolution sequel. Slightly cracky.
Portal - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,392 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 80 - Follows: 89 - Updated: 2/12/2012 - Published: 1/11/2012 - Chell, GLaDOS
The Search for Family by mystery of the mist reviews
Beth has provided everything for her daughter Vivian, except for the knowledge of who Vivian's father is. This is Vivian's story of her journey to find her dad, who may be closer than she believed...
Moonlight - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 6 - Words: 12,456 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 11/25/2011 - Published: 2/3/2011 - Mick S. J., Beth T. - Complete
Unexpected Circumstances by Savage7289 reviews
When a knight from another kingdom wins his choice of bride, he claims the handmaid instead of the princess. Isabella finds herself married and tossed into the middle of political schemes. What happens when she can't give him the one thing he must have?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 39 - Words: 245,857 - Reviews: 25057 - Favs: 12,188 - Follows: 8,237 - Updated: 11/11/2011 - Published: 11/22/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
PJO chat 2 by Fanfic Wolf reviews
n this chatroom the PJO characters have found another chatroom, and this one is Twilight free! But I Fanfic Wolf have found them and some people have found me! But they're not any people they are HARRY POTTER people. Sequel to PJO Chat
Crossover - Harry Potter & Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 501 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 10/28/2011 - Published: 12/5/2010
As They Break Us Down by FacelessGirl reviews
Edward is accused of a shocking crime and only Isabella can clear his name. But both are prone to bad luck, and misfortunes never come singly… Secrets, denial and unpleasant truths slowly surface as we follow their senior year at an elite NYC high school.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 18 - Words: 179,035 - Reviews: 61 - Favs: 83 - Follows: 76 - Updated: 10/24/2011 - Published: 2/16/2010 - Bella, Edward
Harvest Moon by Jana reviews
AU - The first few months after the change were always the most difficult. The girl would need supervision. A patient teacher to guide her and keep her out of trouble. I didn't just feel obligated to fill this role, I yearned to fill it.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 89,354 - Reviews: 633 - Favs: 292 - Follows: 291 - Updated: 10/9/2011 - Published: 8/29/2010 - Bella, Edward
Lethal to Virtue by TheBondGirls reviews
Agent Edward Cullen hears the thoughts of those around him except for new recruit Isabella Swan. Will they control their feelings and work as a team in order to bring down the dark and dirty world hiding in Forks? Will virtue give way to vice?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Crime - Chapters: 23 - Words: 100,915 - Reviews: 2756 - Favs: 1,657 - Follows: 1,808 - Updated: 9/23/2011 - Published: 4/20/2010 - Edward, Bella
Loving Mary Alice by MyTwiDreams reviews
There are many kinds of love, but only one kind of forever. Bella moves to Biloxi/MS and discovers a human past that seemed to be forgotten for eternity. Bellice/AU
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 36 - Words: 114,216 - Reviews: 928 - Favs: 505 - Follows: 365 - Updated: 9/22/2011 - Published: 8/13/2010 - Alice, Bella - Complete
Parent Teacher Meetings by raichy reviews
Bella is Alice's adoptive mother. Edward is her science teacher. What happens when Edward notices something strange about Alices doodling and calls bella into a meeting to discuss it. Rated for future chapters and language. All human.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 63,615 - Reviews: 221 - Favs: 440 - Follows: 217 - Updated: 9/12/2011 - Published: 8/4/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Resolution by did-you-reboot reviews
Chell fully expected to succumb to Mobility Gel poisoning when her health started to fail a year after her release from the Aperture Enrichment Center. What she didn't expect was to find herself saved by the very constructs that tried to kill her.
Portal - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 78,797 - Reviews: 291 - Favs: 483 - Follows: 227 - Updated: 8/18/2011 - Published: 6/16/2011 - Complete
Parenthetical Love by LyricalKris reviews
Bella wasn't interested in finding a father for her baby-to-be. Edward wasn't interested in being a father at all. The accidents that can make a parent don't always happen between the sheets, but will they make the best of it?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 29 - Words: 150,001 - Reviews: 4723 - Favs: 3,904 - Follows: 2,263 - Updated: 8/2/2011 - Published: 8/6/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Bella's Monthly Gift by This.Is.SCRUMPTIOUS reviews
This is the exciting week-long tale of Bella Swan's time of the month and how she endured it. WARNING: Slightly inappriopriate and disgusting.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,689 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 7/11/2011 - Published: 7/14/2010 - Bella, Edward
Amber, the feminist cat by ShanByStarlight reviews
Jane gets a new pet, a gorgeous kitten named Amber! But Amber is not as innocent as she seems. She hates all of male-kind. The men of the Volturi scheme to get rid of the cat, but can they ever rip her from Jane's side?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 10,371 - Reviews: 106 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 45 - Updated: 7/9/2011 - Published: 8/28/2009 - Jane, Alec
Alternate Universe by jesicka309 reviews
Jen has led a miserable existence until a train accident throws her into Twilight. Jen finally has the twin sister she always wanted, but will Jen's presence screw up Bella's life? Or improve it? Is there really a place for Jen in the Twilight AU?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Family/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 114,880 - Reviews: 270 - Favs: 157 - Follows: 156 - Updated: 7/1/2011 - Published: 8/1/2010 - Bella, Edward
Roman Roulette by Travis Jameson reviews
"Yeah, you mentioned this demigod thing earlier," Percy interrupted skeptically. "Is this, like, a LARPer compound or something? 'Cause I'm not really into the whole creative anachronism thing." Set after TLH. NOTICE: Sequel up for Adoption
Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 30 - Words: 121,473 - Reviews: 362 - Favs: 287 - Follows: 183 - Updated: 6/2/2011 - Published: 12/6/2010 - Percy J., Reyna - Complete
The Fox by SACM4 reviews
Bella is a teenage con artist looking for a place to settle down.Forks shouldn't have been it. Bella and some other characters are OOC. Cullens are vampires, Bella is human.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 30 - Words: 96,004 - Reviews: 226 - Favs: 237 - Follows: 120 - Updated: 5/26/2011 - Published: 8/20/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Falling Beyond Redemption by Aleeab4u reviews
A plan to keep Edward & Bella apart ends in unthinkable violence leaving Bella & Charlie battling for their lives and Edward for his soul. When the fallout threatens to destroy not only them but the Pack as well, an unlikely Shaman may be their only hope.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 56 - Words: 349,022 - Reviews: 4594 - Favs: 1,709 - Follows: 872 - Updated: 4/21/2011 - Published: 4/8/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Jane Volturi's Diary by hopesandpastdesires reviews
You'll laugh. You'll cry. You'll lose 10lbs. Follow Jane Volturi as she records all the fascinating events in her life. Who said that life in the Volturi was all about blood and being evil?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 52 - Words: 58,523 - Reviews: 477 - Favs: 174 - Follows: 71 - Updated: 4/18/2011 - Published: 10/14/2009 - Jane, Alec - Complete
Letter to Piper by LaurenIsCool reviews
Jason writes a love letter to Piper McLean. Gives a sense of closure to TLH while you wait for the next book! Spoilers! Was once a one-shot, but now includes Piper's reply. WARNING: CONTAINS EXCESSIVE FLUFFYNESS. :D
Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 3,263 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 3/15/2011 - Published: 11/26/2010 - Jason G., Piper M.
Golden Eyed Lover by AlexisS reviews
Alice Brandon is considered a freak in her hometown of Forks, Washington. What happens when her abusive mother makes her see a therapist for her "visions?" That therapist just so happens to be Jasper Hale, a vampire who thirsts for her blood.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 32 - Words: 74,457 - Reviews: 364 - Favs: 192 - Follows: 127 - Updated: 3/11/2011 - Published: 6/9/2009 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Shadows and Bubbles by bella my love reviews
Nico is thrust into the world of vampires when a capture the flag game goes bad. He meets our favorite bloodsuckers, and what will happen when he falls in love with our the little pixie we all know and love.Don't own PJO or Twilig.-Adopted by Echo Uchiha
Crossover - Twilight & Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 18,717 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 31 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 2/11/2011 - Published: 1/6/2011 - Alice, Nico A.
Musings of an Empathetic Vampire by Eclipse-Vamp reviews
Semi-sequel/companion piece to Serenity. YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ THAT TO UNDERSTAND THIS! Basically Jasper's point of view of Twilight. Go behind the scenes through this empath's eyes and sympathize with Jasper at how hard it is to be a vampire.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 11 - Words: 32,385 - Reviews: 79 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 23 - Updated: 2/7/2011 - Published: 9/12/2010 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Four mermaids and a swan by VampireSa5m1993 reviews
Rikki, Cleo, and Emma were best friends until Emma had to go away with her family. Then Cleo and Rikki met Bella and soon they were closer then sisters. Now Emma is returning and she is bringing someone with her. Her cousin from America Bella Swan. on hiatus
Crossover - Twilight & H2O: Just Add Water - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Fantasy - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,614 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 2/1/2011 - Published: 1/8/2011 - Bella, Emma G.
The Afterlife of Vampires by Danielle Cullen96 reviews
After Bree is burned, she ends up in a place she has never even heard of before. This is where non existent vampires go. She realizes that she might find a new, better life within the Afterlife. R&R
Short Second Life of Bree Tanner - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 24,206 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 1/14/2011 - Published: 7/28/2010 - Bree, Diego - Complete
The Son of Neptune by DaughterofNeptune reviews
What happened to Percy during the events of the Lost Hero? A new family, a new quest. Will Percy survive the Roman camp? Don't read if you don't like long stories, because it will be long.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 11,806 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 12/25/2010 - Published: 12/21/2010 - Percy J.
Point Taken by pencilitout reviews
I can hear thoughts if I touch someone. But I'd never hated my 'gift' more than when I touched Edward Cullen for the first time. Figures, the most beautiful boy in the world wants to kill me. Why? I have yet to find out. Run little girl, run.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 18 - Words: 78,998 - Reviews: 239 - Favs: 199 - Follows: 202 - Updated: 12/23/2010 - Published: 2/1/2010 - Edward, Bella
Eric Yorkie, The Van Helsing of Forks by duskwatcher2153 reviews
"My name is Eric Yorkie and I possess knowledge that will change the world as we know it: Edward Cullen is a VAMPIRE!" This is Eric's POV of the events of Book 1 and remarkably, it stays within canon. A humorous look at Twilight from the eyes of Forks' most lovable geek.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Humor/Supernatural - Chapters: 13 - Words: 42,433 - Reviews: 521 - Favs: 236 - Follows: 138 - Updated: 12/19/2010 - Published: 8/8/2010 - Eric, Rosalie - Complete
Burn Baby Burn by francis2 reviews
Coraline doesn't understand why Mick would reject the little girl she captured for him.
Moonlight - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,657 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 2 - Published: 12/13/2010 - Coraline D./Morgan V., Mick S. J. - Complete
Dinner by LadyofDurin reviews
Bella is over at the Cullens where she enjoyed a nice dinner with Carlisle and Edward, during cleaning one thing lets to another, pairing Bella/Carlisle/Edward, don't like then don't read...
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 35,956 - Reviews: 278 - Favs: 430 - Follows: 221 - Updated: 12/2/2010 - Published: 3/12/2010 - Carlisle, Bella - Complete
Coalescence by Openhome reviews
This is the sequel to my first story, Singularity. As a sequel, you need to read Singularity first to understand what is happening in this story. Coalescence follows Jasper and Alice from their meeting in the diner to their acceptance by the Cullens.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 207,563 - Reviews: 1254 - Favs: 545 - Follows: 279 - Updated: 11/26/2010 - Published: 10/12/2009 - Alice, Jasper - Complete
Take the Ice by bellamarie117 reviews
Competitive figure skater Bella Swan meets NHL hockey player Edward Cullen. Bella's Olympic dreams are crushed by injury. Can he help her find the strength to take the ice again? Will they find love and friendship in the meantime? A/H, M, E/B
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 425,876 - Reviews: 8190 - Favs: 7,093 - Follows: 3,465 - Updated: 11/17/2010 - Published: 2/24/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Unique by Arion1 reviews
Why is Leah a werewolf if shes a girl? She must be special, otherwise Jacobs sisters would have joined too. Leah doesnt come in until chap 2. Sorry for the bad summary, story is better.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 6 - Words: 5,233 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 11/3/2010 - Published: 1/7/2010 - Leah, Taha Aki
The Next Generation by LastOfTheDragons reviews
told from renesmee's POV most of the time. What in the world will Jacob and Renesmee's vampire/werewolf/human child be like? What will the volturi do? What is life generally like 25 years after Breaking Dawn?not entirely a drama. same tone as series.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 16 - Words: 28,915 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 10/23/2010 - Published: 3/28/2010 - Jacob, Renesmee C./Nessie
A Break Before Dawn by alphabetty reviews
The Cullen's stand against the Volturi became a battle, Alice and Jasper never returned, and Bella died. Where do vampires go after they die? Let's find out. Rated for vampire on vampire violence. AE to BD
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 17 - Words: 25,786 - Reviews: 104 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 33 - Updated: 10/9/2010 - Published: 9/7/2010 - Bella, Edward - Complete
V is for Valeria by April Arrglington reviews
Chapter 10 is up as of 09/15/10. Valeria is a seventeen year-old resident of Volterra who witnesses the events concerning Bella Swan & Edward Cullen at the Piazza di Priori's Clock Tower on Saint Marcus Day. Think DaVinci Code meets Twilight. AU
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 19,591 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 9/15/2010 - Published: 6/23/2010 - Bella, Edward
Resolutions by bebe86 reviews
New Years Eve. Four best friends. Four New Year's resolutions. What lengths will each of them go to, to make theirs a reality? AH, slight OOC. Eventual canon pairings. Bella, Alice, Rosalie, Tanya.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 16,880 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 9/13/2010 - Published: 2/23/2010
Senses by Fred-Weasley-Isn't-Dead reviews
A cliche plot. Ally is the Volturi's own Princess of Darkness, but when she feeds in public, the princess gets kicked out of the castle all the way to Forks, Washington. /!\ Curse words galore! No clue why I chose that title
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 10,037 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 10 - Updated: 8/16/2010 - Published: 7/11/2010 - Alec, Seth
How the Story Ends by 24-7reader reviews
Bella goes to college in Chicago in an effort to escape from her inane life and, while cleaning out an old house, finds a diary written by Edward Masen. What will a certain Cullen do when he finds out? All characters belong to Stephenie Meyer
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 13,783 - Reviews: 113 - Favs: 60 - Follows: 76 - Updated: 8/16/2010 - Published: 6/27/2009 - Bella, Edward
Waiting by jaspergirl1863 reviews
This is a story that is after the novella, and is in the viewpoint of Fred, one of Bree's aquaintences, as he waits for her in Vancouver, and to his life after. ON HIATUS.
Short Second Life of Bree Tanner - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,431 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 7/21/2010 - Published: 6/8/2010 - Fred
The Last Closed Door by BlackPuma137 reviews
Mick, Beth, Josef, Sarah, and Talbot continue their lives in new roles. Picking up where the last episode left off.
Moonlight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 9 - Words: 6,062 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 7/11/2010 - Published: 3/17/2010
I'd Come For You One Shot by CarribbeanLady reviews
One Shot! AU-Human. Edward has always been his little sister Alice's protector, but now he must trust her boyfriend Jasper to take care of her. Edward remembers his childhood.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,758 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 3 - Published: 7/5/2010 - Edward, Alice - Complete
Meeting Mom by LauraHannah90 reviews
Charlie is out of town, so he calls in Renee to stop any 'funny business' between Bella and Edward. But Bella falls sick and Edward helps care for her. Renee analyses his love for her daughter, curious about their intense relationship. Will Renee approve?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Family/Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 24,802 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 212 - Follows: 49 - Updated: 6/28/2010 - Published: 12/28/2009 - Edward, Renée - Complete
Turning Beth by FrozenDrifter reviews
A year has passed to where the story left off with Beth and Mick...Josef is reminding Mick of his immortality and her limited existence...
Moonlight - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 24,585 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 6/17/2010 - Published: 11/6/2008
A Time for Every Purpose by Im2xshy reviews
My take on the way things might have gone if Edward hadn't left in New Moon. Not for Jacob lovers. The story's not, like, mean to Jacob or anything, but since Edward doesn't leave in New Moon, they don't form the friendship they did.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 46 - Words: 104,635 - Reviews: 1379 - Favs: 1,011 - Follows: 414 - Updated: 5/14/2010 - Published: 10/3/2009 - Edward, Bella - Complete
Charlie Swan by MGO reviews
The twilight saga through the eyes of Charlie Swan. I am Charlie Swan, chief of police, father, and grandfather and now introduced into the world of myth, but let me explain first how it all got to be.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Mystery - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,899 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 5/11/2010 - Published: 2/23/2010 - Charlie S., Bella
Miracle by silvanelf reviews
Josef couldn't let Sarah go...But when the love of his undead life opens her eyes for the first time in over fifty years and Josef isn't at her side, what will happen? Vampire politics, love, revenge and evil cliffhangers abound. Josef/Sarah & Mick/Beth.
Moonlight - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 11 - Words: 44,167 - Reviews: 88 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 3/23/2010 - Published: 1/13/2009 - Josef K.
Scarred and Scared by JustThatGirl97 reviews
Edward left thinking it would be best for her. But what if it wasn't? What if when Bella left, Charlie got abusive? When the Cullen's return, can they save Bella from her living hell? Or is it too late?
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 22 - Words: 16,773 - Reviews: 476 - Favs: 318 - Follows: 175 - Updated: 2/4/2010 - Published: 3/2/2009 - Charlie S., Bella - Complete
The Ribbon: Marcus's Tale by J. Anne Brown reviews
Set in Etruria, approximately 1000 BC. Marcus is a young man, in love with his master's daughter, Didyme. When her older brother, Aro, disappears mysteriously, the lives of Marcus and Didyme are changed forever...
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 55,710 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 1/5/2010 - Published: 9/29/2009 - Marcus, Didyme
Forbidden Dances by Red-Cherry-Flowers reviews
Alec has a secret. He keeps it silent, close to his heart. But there are no secrets in the Volturi. Will he be able to keep it or will it destory both Him and Jane? AlecxJane.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,672 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 12/16/2009 - Published: 11/24/2009 - Alec, Jane
A Cullen Moment by Wolf Babies reviews
This is a collection of completely random moments in time during the everlasting lives of the Cullen family.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 102 - Words: 84,587 - Reviews: 1803 - Favs: 290 - Follows: 132 - Updated: 10/31/2009 - Published: 6/14/2008 - Third Wife, Joshua U. - Complete
Type O Negative by quothme reviews
When the Cullens move to Forks, Bella thinks that the creepy new kid, Edward, has freaky yellow eyes. And that he's insufferably rude. Good thing he's in love with someone else. An AU dark comedy.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 13 - Words: 54,164 - Reviews: 1275 - Favs: 1,646 - Follows: 447 - Updated: 10/11/2009 - Published: 5/3/2009 - Bella, Edward - Complete
Sons and Father Moment by ResDes2 reviews
This is a total slash involving Carlisle, Edward, and a little bit of Emmett. Review and tell me how gay it is and how sexy it is. Besides, no one had written a slash between Carlisle and Edward yet, and I felt it was deserved.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,116 - Reviews: 75 - Favs: 241 - Follows: 38 - Published: 7/4/2008 - Carlisle, Edward - Complete
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The Fall reviews
"I'll always want him. I won't forget him. I can't let him go. Ever." Bella holds onto Edward with everything she can, and refuses to let him go. She'll do anything to get to him again. Anything. OOC, AU/H. The NEHEA contest submission.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,155 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 3 - Published: 5/8/2011 - Bella, Charlie S. - Complete
Cheshire Cat reviews
Bella's twelve year old cousin moves to Forks, disappears, becomes a vampire, and causes more trouble then the Cullens could have imagined. Set between New Moon and Eclipse. I suck at summary's.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Supernatural - Chapters: 8 - Words: 16,117 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 10/15/2010 - Published: 6/29/2010 - Bella, Edward
A normal day for the Volturi reviews
THIS. IS. A. CRACKFIC. That means that it will be stupid, odd, and random. Don't like? Don't read. I'll update this as I get bored, which means up to two or three times a day.
Twilight - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,951 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 8/7/2010 - Published: 7/27/2010 - Santiago, Gianna
Personne ne reste en vie reviews
Jane and Alec are the most feared members of the Volturi guard. What made them this way? Rated T for violence, description of the results, and language. One of my darker pieces. Title's french, you can look up what it means. One-shot.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,251 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 6 - Published: 7/25/2010 - Jane, Alec - Complete
All A Dream reviews
A twelve year old Moonlight fan is unexpectedly thrust into the supernatural world. She wasn't expecting it but hey, never look a gift horse in the mouth. This is basically how I would react to being put into the Moonlight world. Rated T just in case
Moonlight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,284 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 5/7/2010 - Published: 5/2/2010