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Author has written 4 stories for Twilight, A Wrinkle in Time Trilogy, Star Trek: 2009, and Series Of Unfortunate Events.
Hi, and welcome - or welcome back - to my profile. We've recently had a major spring clean here at Cucumber HQ, so the premises may look a little different from when you last looked around, if you ever have before. The quotes remain the same, though obviously new ones are added all the time, but pretty much everything else is new or updated. Enjoy... but watch out for spoilers!
Genre: Sci-fi, fantasy, romance
Genre: Horror, crime
NOTE: Although most people say that they don't like OOC in trad universes, I say "call it character development". This is partly, though of course not entirely, due to the fact that in Coven X, my Twilight fic, Edward, Alice, Alec, and Tanya are all pretty much totally OOC pretty much all of the time. Also, I love messed-up or non-canon pairings, like Rosalie + Jacob, or - if you will allow me a personal favourite - Padme Amidala x Obi Wan.
My favourite quotes
Please do not feed the terrorists - Bill Bailey
Mulder: Hey, Scully.
Really gives a feel for the scope and tragedy of the thing, doesn't it? - Ron Weasley, TDH
But you see, Meg, just because we don't understand doesn't mean it doesn't exist. - Mrs Murry, A Wind in the Door
Nothing is hopeless; we must hope for everything. - Euripides (I'm a total Classics geek, in case you didn't know!)
A straight line is not always the shortest distance between two points. - Mrs Whatsit, A Wrinkle in Time
You are actually too high. - Tuskface, to me
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they go by. - Douglas Adams
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast. - Douglas Adams
As for there only ever being one phoenix, well, that'd obviously been written down by a man who needed to get out in the fresh air more and meet some ladies. - Terry Pratchett, Carpe Jugulum
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of. - Arthur Dent, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
One of the advantages of her not having a bloodstream is that you can fill her veins full of chocolate. - Tuskface, to Purple13512, about me
I really want to eat your shoulder. - Funny-Replay, to friend on school bus
PRUSSIA HAS SEIZED MY VITAL REGIONS!! - Austria, APH
PASTAAAAAAAA-A! - Italy, APH, pretty much constantly
And how can we win, when fools can be kings? - Muse: Knights of Cydonia
Why do you keep looking at me so freakily in class? - Tuskface, to me, because I freak her out (I freak everyone out, to tell you the truth, but her especially)
I have... an UMLAUT! - Tuskface, on a sugar high
Ah, the... fdddddddd! - Me, not necessarily high
Me, testing Tuskface for a Chemistry test: So, what's a separating funnel?
I have the healthiest snack ever today! (Takes out an enormous cheese-coated pretzel) - Tuskface
I'm a cucumber. - Me: a legend is born in a Drama lesson last year
I'll join you when Hell freezes over. Dumbledore's Army! - Neville Longbottom, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, The Flaw in the Plan
Me, to friend Esk: Ned keeps sending me these INSANE emails!
Bring out the old guillotine, we'll show 'em what we all mean! - My Chemical Romance: Disenchanted
Looks at liquorice straw from sherbet fountain: ZOMG, that looks exactly like a lightsabre, with the thingy and the thingy and that other little black thingy...
Ah, I see you've stolen my t-shirt. - My friend, upon noticing that we were wearing the same top
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line. - Anon
God does not play dice with the universe; He plays an ineffable game of His own devising, which might be compared, from the perspective of any of the other players, to being involved in an obscure and complex version of poker in a pitch dark room, with blank cards, for infinite stakes, with a dealer who won't tell you the rules, and who smiles all the time. - Terry Pratchett (and Neil Gaiman), Good Omens
On bees: "One has often wondered -" Magrat paused "- how do you actually milk them?" - Terry Pratchett, Lords and Ladies
Now this is going to sound stupid... but is 2:8 the same as 1:4? You got that one right, Purple13512. It did sound stupid. ^_^
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder. - Anon
My friend Helena: Hey, Dr --, Cucumber likes your new haircut!
Oh, God, hide me, she's stalking me! SHE'S ACTUALLY STALKING ME! - I hide behind Tuskface unsuccessfully as I see my English teacher approaching
I am going to write you angry letters and stalk you til you die, and then I will kill you again and eat you and THEN YOU WILL BE SORRY, do you hear me, CBS? THEN YOU WILL BE SORRY! Me, upon discovering that CBS has blocked Star Trek: The Original Series being shown in my country
Heart skipped a beat, when I caught it you were out of reach/But I am sure, I am sure, you've heard it before - the xx: Heart Skipped A Beat
My brother: What's for supper?
Exterminate, regenerate, I thought you always knew our fate/To just keep fighting on and on, while time keeps turning... Chameleon Circuit: Exterminate, Regenerate
Of COURSE I know what I'm doing! - Me to my mother, making cupcakes with Tuskface
Spock and Yoda are one and the same. - Tuskface, more than a little high on the aforementioned cupcakes
Before Glee Club, I had never kissed a girl. - Kurt, season finale of Glee
What is your problem? It's just a moist towelette! - Kurt, Glee, episode 20: Theatricality
My mom won't even let me watch Twilight. She says Kristen Stewart seems like a bitch. - Tina, Glee, episode 20: Theatricality
You can't feed a child sheet music, Will. I suppose you could, but they'd be dead in a month. - Bryan (NPH! Yay!), Glee, episode 19: Dream On
I'm a donkey. Oh my god, I actually am a donkey. Oh my god! - My friend Donkey, realising her true identity
Yay, we're early - I want to live in a box. - Funny-Replay on the bus the other day
Kol kol kol kol kol kol kol kol kol... - Russia to Lithuania, APH
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes. - Anon
I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE... - Funny-Replay
I have your face in my face collection. - Tuskface, practically 24/7
Broadmoor Jesus! - Me, in reference to Jesus from Madness
I am your fridge. - Me and Funny - we can have fun anywhere, even in the most boring Geography lesson EVER
Me: We are... your noble conglomerate!
Oh my God! It's a moist towelette! IT'S JUST A MOIST TOWELETTE, FINN! - Neddington, Purple13512, and I, when we were handed moist towelettes at a restaurant the other day
One day you will all work for me. - Kurt, Glee, episode 2: Showmance
Watson: Get that out of my face.
Bad Horse, Bad Horse, Bad Horse, Bad Horse -
Billy: I want to be an achiever - like Bad Horse.
It's curtains for you, Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains. - Captain Hammer, DHSB
What a crazy random happenstance! - Dr H., DHSB. I need to say this more often...
I'm Moist. At my most badass, I make people want to take a shower. - Moist (I love him... :D), DHSB
Oh, look at my wrist, I've got to go. - Dr Horrible, DHSB
Penny: Sometimes people are layered like that. There's something totally different underneath than what's on the surface.
Me: I think I got blood on my painting!
She's such a killjoy... with a small "c". - I'm an idiot, I know
My fanfic friends
Tuskface is extremely epic. She has an awesome sense of humour, she always reviews, and she's a great writer. Her best story, in my opinion, is Vampires and Wizards: a Renesmee and Albus Tale, which is so funny that it actually kills (Harry Potter/Twilight crossover, of course!), but all of her writing is great - she's written fics for Twilight, Runescape, Jane Eyre, and others that I can't even remember, that's how many she's done. We've also co-authored a story or two (okay, fine, two), as you can see below in the My fics section. Tusky's profile is funny, contains surveys, quizzes, and a lot of highness.
Purple13512 is about to publish her first story! It's going to be amazing, I promise you, and I cannot wait. Her profile contains about fifty favourites, some quotes, and other cool stuff. She's a Star Wars maniac and a generally brilliant person - we both love Glee, Wicked, tennis, and have great fun in life. I forgive her for being a Jedi, cause she's so awesome in every other sense.
Funny-Replay is another unbelievably cool fanfiction-friend. She writes mainly for Kirby, APH, and Doctor Who... sort of crack-fic, sometimes, but good crack-fic. She introduced me to APH (that's Axis Powers/Hetalia, my favourite anime) and other exciting stuff, such as the joy of sporks and people with birds on their heads (ZOMG! Gilbird spoke! HE SPOKE! Well, okay, he didn't speak so much as cackle, but still. He's my role model in life, don't ruin this for me!). Funny also has excellent taste in music. And she knows one of the most important truths of life: It's never just a burrito.
All of the above can be found on deviantART under the same names. Tuskface also resides on FictionPress, again as Tuskface.
My major projects
Coven X (Twilight) - Alice has a mysterious vision of a silent girl. Edward hears thoughts that seem to come from nobody. And in the ivory towers of the Volturi, Jane's world starts to collapse around her as events that none of them could have foreseen unfold... Prologue and 11 chapters published now
Collaborations and sidelines
The Old Testament (Club Penguin/Bible crossover) - This is basically what it says on the tin: Tusky and I were bored one time at her house, so we grabbed a Bible and re-wrote it... Club Penguin style. Funny stuff, let me assure you. The Creation and the Garden of Eden are posted already; Cain and Abel is in the process of being written. 2 chapters published now
Never Let Me Go (Harry Potter series) - Description will be posted when the story is!
My beta projects
I'm currently working on editing BellaCullenMad's story, My New Moon, so please read and review - I've edited the last couple of chapters (can't remember which from...), so please read and review. It's a great story with a lot of potential, and I really think we're getting somewhere with it!
Watch this space for any news of upcoming projects!
Arbitrary stuff to do with my stories
WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD, PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY!!
Here are a couple of character bios. More will be posted as more character of some of my own characters are revealed.
Caprice Auditore (appears in Coven X)
Lt. Kinari Tomlin (appears in Fading Star?)
Lakyo (appears in Fading Star?)
Emily (appears in OCCASS)
There are several songs that remind me of my stories, or that I listen to when I'm writing them. Below are the few that stand out in my memory for each of my stories. Obviously, if you've read Coven X, all the chapter names are songs already, so these are additional to those listed there.
Never Let Me Go
The 6 truths of life...
1. You can't lick all of your teeth with your tongue.
2. You just tried to do the above.
3. The first truth is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're realising you're an idiot.
5. You'll copy this into your profile for some other sucker to read it.
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. XD
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
Minor political statement (i.e. copy & paste with a liberal perspective)
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
18.05.10. The first book I'd like to recommend to you is Equal Rites, by Terry Pratchett. It's amazing, funny and clever without ever being cloying.
Top ten fanfictions (in no particular order)
Keep Your Distance by sheslostcontrol (Star Trek: 2009) I loved everything about this story, including the awesome main character!
Hate is a Strong Word by Diane Langley (Twilight) Leah rocks! This story is really well-written and the characters in one of my favourite pairings ever are developed beautifully.
Seven Deadly Sinners by Trastamara Trash (Harry Potter) A clever idea in seven drabbles.
5 Times Jim Kirk Said "I Love You" Without Words by The Second Coming (Star Trek: 2009) This is a rather excellent exploration of JTK's character.
VICTORIA by Sefirosukuraodo (Twilight) An invented history of Victoria, this is amazing and exciting, as well as scary and sad - and incredibly well-written. Unfortunately, it's been taken down.
Vampires & Wizards by Tuskface (Twilight/Harry Potter) By my co-author of The Crap Commencement... need I say anything else?
Meandering by Blinguist (Star Trek: 2009) What can I say? This is cute, funny, and is all about Spock and Nyota, another of my favourite pairings.
Ad Initium by Kioko (Percy Jackson and the Olympians) What would have happened if Thalia hadn't been defeated? Awesome one-shot from Annabeth's perspective.
Cathy and HC by angel of cullen (Wuthering Heights) A modern-day retelling which is just incredibly cool, high-concept and, naturally, heart-breaking.
Death of a Rose by silentsky93 (Twilight) Too brilliant an idea and account of it for words... I highly recommend this to anyone who ever doubted Edward and Bella's love.
Thank you for visiting Cucumber HQ, and please keep checking for updates and news!
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