Author has written 2 stories for Twilight.
my age doesn't matter cause i read a lot of fanfiction & when i say a lot, i mean, i read more than a book reviewer !!!
none of my friends have the same love for The Twilight Saga that i do, but hey, they're my friends and you gotta love them or there going to leave you in a ditch pucking your guts out!!
anyway just continue on down the page v v v v v
THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY THAT IS AFFECTING PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD :P
The first days
Men all over the world woke up one day to find females became obsessed with a phenomenon Known only to man as
“The TWILIGHT Saga OBSESSION”
The year….2008 B. T. (before Twilight)
Women took care of their men, their families, focused on their jobs….even fed the dog…
Then An unknown Leader from an unknown land wrote a fucking book.
Yeah…one fucking book….that turned into another…and then another….and then another and all hope was lost.
The seed is either planted or it isn’t with the printing of the first Twilight book. Some men still remain unscathed. Those fuckers are the lucky ones… their wives, daughters, sisters have not fallen into the Black hole That thousands of men around the world now refer This phenomenon.
however the ones that aren’t so lucky have listed the woes of this obsession…Warning…if you see any of the signs…you are already too late.
Day 1- It was a simple little black book with a pair of hands in the offering of a pretty red apple and your beautiful wife, mother of your children has her nose buried in it.
CUE WARNING….If you see this destroy It before she gets halfway through! Remember what happened to adam when he was given the apple? This doesn’t compare my dear friends!
Day 2- For those that now see the sprouts of that first seed
when you fell asleep after day 1 you didn’t heed the warning or just didn’t know about it yet…a moment of silence in your honor will be given at the end…our humblest apologies to you and yours when you find your wife standing in line at the bookstore with a copy of New Moon dancing from one foot to the other waiting in line and cursing about the wait….Later that night but still on day 2 she spent all night with the nightlight on reading.
Day 3- You hear her cussing and ranting and she is literally in tears over some guy named EDWARD who if you had realized at the time how much you would despise that mans name…all you wanted to do was comfort her and help her through this perceived loss. Hind site…you wished he had stayed away but now come to the end of the evening, you see her now online ordering a copy of Eclipse for her Kindle to find out what happens next.
Day 4- Your Kids start with questions wondering where mom disappeared to. when you find her she is buried deep into something called the compromise chapter and she yells at you to shut up and go to mc donalds even though you despise the franchise but the kids squeal with glee as you head out the door. It will pass you are sure of it…again we apologize we didn’t get to you in time.
Day 5- You get home from work on a Friday evening ready to spend a relaxing weekend when you find your wife again buried in another book that has the queen chess piece on the cover. You move to kiss her on the cheek and she brushes you away with barely a mutter of a hello. You find dinner tastes off and wonder did she forget to season anything?
Day 6 – Saturday night, your Kids are with friends and you feel a little smexy time is in order and sneak up on her to have her start cussing up one side and down the other about how she was cheated out of a honeymoon although you clearly stated we had a great time in Hawaii what is the problem. Little did you know it wasn’t yours she was bitching about but it was that Fucker EDWARD and his Bella that didn’t reveal details of said honeymoon and some bullshit about feathers. You go to bed early wondering what the hell? Family and house are neglected and you get no nookie!
Sunday Morning rolls around and she is in a slump about the issues that plague her vampire loving heart that this story can’t be over can it?
You silently thank god and take a deep breathe and sigh in relief only to find her online squealing when someone tells her there is another story only half told and she now sits in front of the computer reading…yes you guessed it….EDWARD’S side of the story.
You go to bed and the next morning you find her still sitting there reading, but oddly during the night this guy EDWARD is no longer a VAMPIRE he is now a TATTOO ARTIST? seriously?
The next several days are a blurr of EDWARD’S parading in and out of your life and the bastard can morph into any character like that fucking movie where people are being taken over by body snatchers.
he goes from a mob boss to, firemen, a doctor and most fittingly a punkassward!
You demand by the following Friday night for an explanation and she tells you its called FANFICTION!
Then one day….EDWARD now has a FACE and OH MY GAWD YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS THE Second coming of ELVIS only its WORSE!
EDWARD CULLEN IS NOW STARRING IN HIS OWN MOVIE…NO WAIT ITS ONE MOVIE FOR EACH BOOK!
commence banging your head now…we can wait till you are done…
Better? okay where were we…oh yes so now you find that you stare at this face on your home computers background desktop and you want to smash it. He needs to die and you find yourself looking up how to kill a vampire.
The months ahead consist of premiers….twilight parties….your house even gets invaded by women who are just as obsessed as they sit around and swoon over this guy who you now Know as none other than ROBERT PATTINSON. Yes it is the second name you will regret ever hearing for the rest of your life.
You consider counseling…isolation, vacations…anything to reclaim your wife but…oddly this fanfiction bullshit has a few perks…she comes to bed a little frisky and you take advantage of it….hey may as well enjoy it while your getting it….maybe this twilight shit aint so bad….
Twilight is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to the world & it will continue on as long as twi-hards everywhere are still alive & i'm planning on living for a very long time ;) ;) if ya know what i mean