VampireExpert101
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Joined 12-17-09, id: 2182708, Profile Updated: 01-19-11
Author has written 2 stories for Vampire Diaries.

Warning!: I have a ridiculously long profile. Feel free to skim and skip as you please.

Hey, I'm Britt. Err, that's about it:

I absoloutly love the Vampire Diaries (but, sadly, I do not own them). I only plan on writting FanFictions about them.

Some things about me:

Favorite Color: Lime Green

Favorite TV Show(s): Vampire Diaries

Favorite Movie: Vampires Suck (Ironic, huh?)

Favorite Book(s): Vampire Diaries, Harry Potter,

Favorite Vampire Diaries Pairing(s):

Damon/Elena, Stefan/Katherine, Jeremy/Anna

50 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mart

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially in thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. b 33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

42. Two words: "Marco Polo."

43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

Top 72 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator

1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15. Swat at flies that don't exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.

18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

27. Put police tape in front of the door before entering.

28. Hold an auction.

29. Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.

30. Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.

31. Throw a rave.

32. Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."

33. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

34. Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.

35. Have a heated debate with yourself.

36. Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.

37. Drum on every available surface.

38. Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.

39. Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.

40. Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.

41. Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

42. Propose to the other passengers.

43. Challenge people to duels.

44. Sell girl scout cookies.

45. Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor.

46. Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."

47. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.

48. Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter.

49. Pitch a tent on the floor, and "camp out" for the weekend.

50. Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers.

51. Shout "Food fight!"

52. Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

53. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

54. Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.

55. Elevators were practically MADE for river dnce!

56. Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"

57. Make sushi.

58. Shave.

59. Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops

moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.

60. Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.

61. Practice your kung fu.

62. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

63. Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"

64. Fly a model airplane.

65. Do yoga.

66. Play the accordion

67. Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.

68. Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.

69. Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.

70. Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."

71. Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word.

72. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" Then push all the red buttons.

12 Ways To Get Salespeople To Hang Up

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

5. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

7. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates." You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

Things to Do At Boring Lectures

1. Bring a blowhorn. Use it when you ask or answer a question.

2. Heckle the professor.

3. Hire a video crew to come to the class. If asked about it, say that you have to tape the lecture for a friend.

4. Bring a water gun. Shoot the professor when his back is turned.

5. Get the other students in your row to do the wave.

6. Bring a small chalkboard to class. Ask the professor if you can borrow his chalk to take notes.

7. Contradict everything the professor says. Offer irrefutable scientific proof.

8. If it's a math lecture, claim that the professor misspelled pi.

9. When the professor asks a question, raise your hand. If the professor calls on you, point to someone in the next row and say "He knows." Pick a different person each time.

10. Buy a doll. When you go to class, leave the doll in your chair, along with your notebook and pen. Say that you have an important meeting to go to, and that the doll will be taking notes for you.

11. Bring a typewriter. Use it to take notes.

12. Write a love note. Sign it "a secret admirer". Get someone to pass itto the professor.

13. Get up to go to the bathroom five or six times during the class. Change clothes every time.

14. While taking notes, write vulgar words every few lines. If anyone asks, say you have Tourette's syndrome.

15. Buy a watermelon. Give it to the professor. If he/she asks, say "They were out of apples."

16. Bring a small tape player. Play a tape of the previous lecture. Take notes on both.

17. If it's an English class, ask how the theory of relativity relates to Shakespeare's "Midsummer Night's Dream".

18. Pretend to be asleep until five minutes before the end of class. Then wake up and explain that you missed the lecture, and ask the professor to summarize what he/she talked about.

19. Bring a can of spray paint. Use it to take notes on the classroom wall.

20. Bring a fully-stocked picnic basket to class. Explain that you didn't have time to eat breakfast.

21. Wear a loincloth to class. If anyone asks, say that it is your costume for the school play, and you didn't have time to change out of it.

22. Tear out pages of the textbook and make little origami animals out of them. Have a whole menagerie by the end of class. Give them to the professor as a token of your esteem.

23. Bring a fishing rod. Try to catch things on the professor's desk.

24. Bring a tape player and a tape of a thunderstorm. Keep it hidden. Sometime during the lecture, start the tape, stand up, claim that the professor has angered the gods and leave. Watch to see how many students follow you after the tape starts playing.

25. Make reserved seating cards and place them on the desks before class.

26. Tell the professor you are on a new experimental cold medication that may have strange side effects. Every ten minutes or so, run around the room screaming. Afterward, claim that you have no memory of what just happened.

27. Claim that you are the new student teacher, and that you are to give the lecture for that class. If the professor agrees, lecture on a subject completely opposite the to subject of the class. If the professor objects, say that the students should have a wide range of knowledge.

28. Switch the professor's lecture notes with your history notes from last term.

29. Raise your hand and ask when the movie is going to start.

30. Bring a flash camera. Take pictures every few minutes, using a very bright flash. If anyone complains, say that you didn't see any sign saying you couldn't bring cameras.

31. Bring a light bulb. Hold it over your head whenever you have the answer to a question.

32. Bring an easel and a paint set. Paint a portrait of the professor during the lecture. Say that it is a homework assignment for art class.

33. Sneeze very loudly. Then, have the person next to you sneeze, then the person next to him, and so on. See how long it takes before the professor sneezes.

34. When the professor comes in, say, very loudly, "Hey! A substitute! All right!" Claim that the real professor said you could have lectureoutside.

35. Come to class wearing the same outfit as the professor. Call the professor a copycat.

36. If it's a geology lecture, switch the quartz crystals with New Folger's Crystals and see if the professor notices. Have a hidden camera.

37. Hide a ticking clock under the podium. Call in a bomb threat.

38. Write your assignment on Plato on your little sister's modeling clay.

39. Ask questions in a foreign language you know the professor doesn't know. Act angry when he/she doesn't understand you.

40. Come to class dressed as a professional wrestler. Tell people you joined the wrestling team. Bodyslam anyone who doesn't believe you.

41. When the professor comes in, suddenly scream, "NOOOOOO! Not him! Not professor Johnson!! They let him teach again! Noooooooooo!" then run out of them room. See how many people follow you.

42. Turn your row into a mosh pit.

43. Before class starts, turn all the desks upside down. Sit on them like you would normally. 44. Two words: American Gladiators.

45. Make requests like people do at rock concerts. ("Relativity! Relativity! Einstein rocks!")

46. Bring popcorn. Throw it and the professor. Complain that these trained animal shows aren't what they used to be.

47. Bring a tape player and a tape of the school bell. Play it every 15 minutes.

48. When the professor calls on you, mumble inconprehensibly. Answer every question in this fashion. See how long it takes before the professor stops calling on you.

49. When you take a test, hire a security guard to stand by your desk and make sure no one cheats off your paper.

50. Make up a strange religious cult and distribute flyers for it during class

What To Do in an Exam That You Know You're Going to Fail Anyways:

1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.

4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.

7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.

14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink.)

15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.

20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.

23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.

24. Masturbate.

25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!

27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.

32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."

34. Fake an orgasm. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #_ moved you, deeply.

35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.

36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.

37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.

38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.

39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it.

42. Dress like the professor.

43. Cross-Dress.

44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.

45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras

3Annoying Things To Do In Class
1. Throw a piece of chalk to the blackbord and say "Missed you, Miss!"
2. Hand over some homework and say "See you later baby"
3. Stand up in the front bcuz you've got to give a short talk, and say to the teacher "Pretend you can't hear for one minute would ya?"
4. Write in the blackboard "What are you looking at???"
5. In the middle of a test, sing out loud "When i find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me" and wink at the teacher
6. During the Science lesson, ask the teacher "What came first, the egg or the chicken?"
7. During the History lesson, ask the teacher "Did condoms exist in the time of the First World War?"

fun things to do while driving
1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five cats in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If an fire truck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in. When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"
34. Sing without having the radio on.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...

things to do in a public bathroom

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters"

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your butt cheeks

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

THINGS TO DO AT A BORING MOVIE
1. Wear a top hat.
2. Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
3. Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
4. Clap when the good guy gets killed.
5. Make a noise like you’re passing gas and go, "Ahhh..."
6. Starting wheezing and ask the person next to you if you can have some Juicy Fruits for you asthma.
7. During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
8. Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
9. Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
10. Tell the man selling popcorn that the girl’s bathroom is flooding.
11. Yell out what is going to happen.
12. Tell the man next to you that you have diarrhea and wink while smiling.
13. Wear a cape and when it’s your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
14. Yell, "Fire!" and moon the people coming through the exit.
15. Say that they cannot sit next to you because your invisible friend already is.

14 Annoying Things to do in a Movie Theatre

1) Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.

2) Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.

3) Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.

4) Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.

5) Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"

6) Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.

7) Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.

8) Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.

9) Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.

10) Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.

11) Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.

12) Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.

13) Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.

14) Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.

Things to do at the drive in!

(1) Yell around the cars screaming help me help!! help me Casper is coming Casper is coming!!
(2) Turn your sterio up really loud on the wrong station!
(3) Find the projector and cover it!!
(4) Knock on everybodys window and ask them a stupid question. (example) wheres the celling? or can you turn up the heat?
(5) Ask everybody that you see outside if there having car trouble?
(6) Offer random people if they would like a car wash?
(7) Ask the people behind you if they could move their car because you cant see!
(8) Ask the ticket seller how much they make and if they get to watch all the movies!
(9) When there is a romantic scene yell out OWW NO WATCH OUT!
(10) Bring a musical instrument and play it badly during the previews!

Funny things to do in hollister (or any random store)

1. Walk up to the person managing the dressing rooms, holding hands with your best friend, and ask to use the same dressing room.

2. Ask random people what size they think you are, and act offended when they actually answer with a size

3. Bring in a shirt from a different store that you bought previosly and ask how much it costs

4. Walk up to the cash register, make up a random name, and tell them that you are a movie star. Act appalled when they say they don't know you.

5. Run up to people and announce that you've never been kissed, and would REALLY like to be... right now

6. Walk by people and stare, scream and yell "there's a spider on your forehead!"

7. Sing... badly

8. Walk up to an employee, holding hands with your friend (must be same gender) and announce that you are newly weds

9. (This is for a store with no music) Scream at people that the music is to loud

10. At the cash register, ask if they accept money. When they say they do, say you think they're lying.

12 ANNOYING THINGS TO DO AT A FANCY RESTERAUNT!*

1. Put your feet on the table and smell them

2. Burp loudly

3. take a bite out of your food and pretend to get food poisoning

4. Yell, "YO WAITER" about 200 times and when they come over say "never mind"

5. Tell someone that you dropped a fingernail in their soup

6. Take food off of someone elses plate

7. Use monopoly money to tip the waiter

8. Trip any waiter that walks by your table

9. wear a chicken suit and cluck whenever someone tries to talk to you

10. Look down your shirt and say loudly, "Doing ok guys?"

11. Scratch your pits and say "PHEW"

12. Pretend to have fleas

guarenteed that you will get kicked out of any resteraunt if you use these tips...

Fun things to do at garage & yard sales:

1. Demand to see something that's not out for sale. When they go to look for it, leave.

2. Ask for a 90% reduction in the marked price.

3. Walk around criticizing the quality, condition, color, size, quantity, price and anything else about the merchandise. Leave saying "I've seen better junk at the landfill!"

4. Spend a lot of time picking up, fondling and walking around with a bunch of stuff. When you get their hopes high enough, put it all back and leave.

5. When not observed, switch or remove the price tags.

6. When you see a sale, go home, round up all the neighborhood kids and dogs, bring them to the sale and let them loose. Stay in the car and watch the fun.

7. When you see a sale, drive ever so slowly by. Go up the block, turn around and drive sloowwllyy by again. Repeat a dozen times.

8. Ask for food and drink.

9. Act like your lost. Ask for directions. Pretend you don't understand. Leave cursing.

10. Pass 2 or 3 hours in inane conversation. Leave without making a purchase.

11. Walk all over in their neighbor's yards. Peek at the sale through the shrubbery. Ring the neighbor's doorbells. Ask "Where's the garage sale?"

12. Pretend like you're going to buy a lot of valuable or fragile items. Make them wrap them very carefully. After this say "I've changed my mind" and leave.

14. Picket the sale with a sign that reads "Garage Sales Unfair to Retail Merchants".

Silly Things To Do At Christmas

1. Stand in front of a supermarket wearing a Santa suit, ringing a bell and wishing everyone a Happy Hanukkah.

2. Wrap yourself in swaddling clothes and lay in the manger of the neighbor's nativity scene.

3. Put on a Santa suit and open a mall kiosk that sells reindeer jerky and Easter Bunny filets.

4. Call Park Rangers in your area and tell them Rudolph is sick. Ask if you can borrow one of their reindeers. If they tell you no, then yell at them telling them they are heartless bastards for ruining Christmas for all the children around the world.

5. Wear a Santa suit to the nearest red light district and stand on the corner saying "Ho! Ho! Ho!" as women walk by.

6. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children that they've been naughty and won't be getting any presents this year.

7. Create snow sculptures in your yard of snowmen in suggestive poses.

8. Buy a package of Keebler's E.L. Fudge Sandwich Cookies and hand them out to children saying this is what happens to the bad elves.

9. Decorate your yard to look like a sleigh and eight tiny reindeer crashed and burned. Walk back and forth along the street muttering, "Oh, the humanity".

10. Get a job playing Santa at a corporate Christmas party and ask everyone if they'd like to see some naked pictures of Santa with the Boss's wife.

11. Sell jars of water, advertising them as Frosty the Snowman urns.

12. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children they'll get what you give 'em and that's that!

13. Get a job as a mall Santa and then tell all the children you are sick of the milk and cookies crap and you'd prefer a beer and a hot blonde instead.

14. Sell Grinch-skin rugs.

15. Stand on a street corner selling dime bags of mistletoe.

16. Post a sign in front yard that says Carolers Welcome. Then when they get almost to the front door turn on the sprinklers.

17. Randomly replace one bulb in your neighbor's lights so they no longer work. Repeat this every day until Christmas.

18. Decorate your yard for the holidays using you neighbor's decorations.

WHAT TO DO AT HALLOWEEN...

Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

Hand them your child's school fund raiser ordering sheet and insist that they buy their own candy.

After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you
don't have any candy.

Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A POLICE OFFICER!

1) I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

2) Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3) Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4) Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5) Are You Andy or Barney?

6) I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer

7) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8) I pay your salary!

9) Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10) Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11) I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

12) When the Officer says "Gee Son...Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

13) What? You need a license to drive?

14) Wow, no wonder your wife sleeps around, with your breath!

15) Is your power a penis substitute?

16) Yes, I know my driving is not 100%, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk

17) Can you come back in 5 minutes? I'm in the middle of a telephone conversation.

18) Oops...I thought you were a prostitute.

19) Do I have any fruits or vegetables? I don't know. Is cocaine a fruit or vegetable?

20) A hundred dollar fine? Well, I think George Washington can change your mind

21) Did you pull me over because of the drugs under the seat, the body in the trunk, or the burned out tail-light?

22) Whoops, that's the fake one... here ya go, this is the one.

23) Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence

24) Is it true that guys become cops because they can't work at McDonald's ?

25) Thanks Officer, that last cop only gave me a warning, too

26) My gun fell off my lap and got lodged on the gas pedal

27) Hey, is that a 9mm ? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum!

28) Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?

29) You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me

30) In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?

31) If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight

32) Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?

33) Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either

34) Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut

35) Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?

36) Do you have any idea who you're talking to?

37) There's no way I was going 85. I had the cruise set at 80.

38) What's wrong, Ossifer? I swear to drunk I'm not God! And really, there is no blood in my alchohol

39) That uniform makes your ass look really big.

40) You don't happen to have any beer in your car?

41) I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

42) So what if I was speeding? Whatcha gonna do about it Mr. Hotshot?

43) I'm not as think as you stoned I am.

44) Officer: "Do you know how fast you were going"
Driver "No I'm too stoned to remember"

45) Its tobacco, honest

ANNOYING THINGS TO DO ON A BUS:

1. set up your own craft corner

2. go up to the driver and say, "You didnt pass collage did you?"
2. start singing 2,579,983,857 of bottles of beer on the wall
3. pop all the tires when u get off the bus
4. if u have to pay for the ride, flip through your wallet for a tediously long time before scribbling down a I.O.U and dashing out the door
5. Try to sell drugs
6. pretend to be having a dirty dream while laying your head on someones shoulder
7. Be really exited and happy. The when your neighbor looks at you, say, "Sorry, haven't been on a bus since i killed that one kid that sat next to me with me cup holder."
8. Hand out religous pamphlets to everyone
9. scream everytime someon comes on

10. scream everytime u pass a car

Fun things to do on a roller coaster

Things to do at the Beach

1. Re-enact the D-Day landings.

2. Build a sandcastle and stand guard next to it, every hour, do the 'changing of the guard' throwing in the occasional "HALT, WHO GOES, THERE?!?!?"

3. Go in to the sea with a lilo and about half an hour later, climb out looking disorientated and say loudly in an Australian accent " CRIKEY COBBER'S, I WAS AT BONZAI BEACH AN HOUR AGO!! MUSTA FALLEN ASLEEP ON ME LILO!!"

4. (An old, but still funny one!) Whilst in the sea, start thrashing about and scream "SHARKS!!!" . Ten minutes later, do it again.

5. (Affective if you're a man). Wear a tight, red swimming costume and run in slow motion in the style of Baywatch, whilst running, flick your hair in an appealing manner.

6. Wear a Penguin costume, climb out the sea puffing and panting, look around and say loudly " OH CRAP! TOOK A WRONG TURNING SOMEWHERE!" go back in to the sea and start swimming away.

7. Bury a hose with water spraying upwards, Tell everyone you dug down to deep and now the beach is sinking.

8. Stagger up the beach in old ripped clothes clutching a matchstick and tell everyone that this is all that is left of your ship.

9. Follow the tide when it leaves and find out where it goes.

10. Practice your ostrich impressions.

11. With some friends, sit in a dinghy wearing German army uniforms, paddle along the shore line and announce" VE TOOK ZE WRONG TURNING, I OPE ZAT VE ARE NOT TOO LATE".

12. with a friend, sing Summer Lovin' in pure Grease style.

13. Dig a hole in the sand and hide in it, when the beach is full, climb out and wearing a prisoners uniform and say "OH, THIS IS'NT MEXICO!!", look back down the hole and say" GO BACK LADS, WE SHOULD HAVE GONE LEFT INSTEAD OF RIGHT!"

14. Have a pebble fight.

15. As the coastguard goes by with his siren on, run along after it happily shouting "ICECREAM MAN! ICECREAM MAN!"

16. Pretend to be a crab, go ahead and nip people.

17. Wear a pirates costume, get someone to dig a hole and say "ARGH ME MATEY'S, WE SHALL BURY THE TREASURE HERE!" and proceed to bury some chocolate coins.

18. Whilst using a pair of binoculars, suddenly shout" IVE FOUND IT!!, ATLANTIS HAS ARISEN!! ISNT IT BEAU...NO HOLD ON, SORRY MY MISTAKE, IT'S THE ISLE OF WHITE, SORRY!"

19. Go around and tell everyone that you have to 'Pay and Display' to use the beach, insist you are the ticket person. Charge a ridiculous amount.

20. Beforehand, place a piece of bloodied meat on the edge of the sea, later go around and ask if anyone has seen your doggie. Say he was playing in the water when you heard someone say SHARKS and you haven't seen him since.

21. Eat sand.

11 Annoying Things to do in a Public Pool

1)Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

2)Hit strangers with your flutter board.

3)Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

4)Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, "Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good...".

5) Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.

6)Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

7)Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say, "Wheee! I'm Batman!" while running around.

8)Hit strangers with your wet towel.

9)Throw people's things into the pool.

10)Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale.

11)Play Marco-Polo by yourself

THINGS TO DO IN A COMPUTER LAB

Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream “NO!!! They’ve found me!” and bolt.

Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can’t get the darn thing to work. After he/she’s turned it on, wait 5 minutes,turn it off again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.

Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.

Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it’s set up with.

Write a program that plays the “Smurfs” theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.

Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.

Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don’t know.

Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

Bring a chainsaw, but don’t use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say “Just in case…” mysteriously.

Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they’re crazy while typing.

Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.

Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, “Oops, I forgot.”

Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray “Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease,” and scream “YES!” when it finishes.

“DISK FIGHT!!!”

Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.

If you’re sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” whenever there is processing time required.

Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.

Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it doesn’t work, get the supervisor.

When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.

If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.

Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.

Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.

Laugh hysterically, shout “You will all perish in flames!!!” and continue working.

Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.

Attempt to eat your computer’s mouse.

Borrow someone else’s keyboard by reaching over, saying “Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?”, unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.

Play “Pong” for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn’t affected). Then look at your neighbor’s keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: “Does your delete key work?” Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you’ve deleted about a page of your neighbor’s document. Then, suddenly exclaim: “Well, whaddya know? I’ve been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn’t deleting! Ha!” Print out your document and leave.

Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer’s Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)

Stare at the person’s next to your’s screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say “You did that?” loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.

Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell “COVEEEEERRRRRR!” peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. “Oh, good. It worked this time,” and calmly start to type again.

Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

See who’s online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you’ve known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you’re a total stranger.

Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.

Pretend it’s the computer and look really lost.

Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn’t work.

Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim “You’re such a marvel!!”, and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

Run into the computer lab, shout “Armageddon is here!!!!!”, then calmly sit down and begin to type.

Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, “Give me that computer or you’ll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week”.

THINGS TO DO AT THE MALL...

Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the wishing fountain

Try pants on backwards at a clothing store. Ask a salesperson if they make your butt look big

At the bottom of the escalator scream "My Shoelaces AARGHH!!!!"

Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsellable

Ask mall cops about their experience in World War 1

Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears

Pose as a fashion dummy in the clothes department, occasionally screaming without warning

Test mattresses in your pajamas

If youre patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking back and forth

Sprint up the down escalator

Stare at staic on a display TV and challenge others on whether they too can see the 'hidden picture'

Make unusual request at a piercing place

Ask a salesperson at a hardware store on how well a certain saw cuts through bone

Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner

Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist

Sneak up on salespeople at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau De Swanke

Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting you lost a contact lens

Ask a woman whether a particular pair of panties matches the color of your hair

In the changing rooms, announce in a sing-song voice "I see London, I see France..."

Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps

Ask a pharmacist at a drugstore for a cold medicine that will give you "a really wicked buzz!"

Ask someone at the information desk for a stroller... and someone to push you around in it

Hand a pair of pants back to a saleperson with a scornful look and scornfully announce that they arent "leak proof"

If its Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap

Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've seen this man"

Fun Things to do:

1. WALK to your neighbor's house and ask in your best british accent, "May I borrow a cup of pants."

2. GO over to a friend's house, take off your shirt, put on one of theirs and leave.

3. WHEN a telemarketer calls, say, "welcome to hell, how may we reap your soul, satan speaking."

4. RANDOMLY say quotes from the movie Anchorman out of context.

5. WAKE UP real early and sneak into your neighbor's house get the newspaper, brew up some coffee, make breakfast, and wait for him to see you. Then scream, and promptly exclaim, "What are you doing in my house!"

How to win a debate with the average person

1. Use big words... they're confusing

2. Say it fast

3. Always rush them for their answer

4. Whenever they say something, say "WRONG" and use more big words

5. Use a lot of hand gestures

6. Sound like you know what you're talking about... even if you don't

5 ways to open a banana

1. Hack it into small pieces and then use a spoon to get the little pieces of banana out of their little peels.

2. Tie the banana to a tank of gas then throw the tank into the air and shoot a flaming arrow through it.

3. Stomp on it until the insides squishes out through the top.

4. Drill a hole through it and then use a toothpick to get the insides of the banana out.

And last but not least...

5. Simply peel it.

Really Dumb Store labels:

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (too late )

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (thank you captain obvious . . .)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." ( no comment . . .)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (Oh yeah because many kids are driving cars and operating machinery these days . . .)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (Isn't that kinda the point??)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (okay that made me curious, what other use??)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (captain obvious has returned!!)

On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". (because they don't want to give us the fake bacon, they want to give us the real fake bacon :P)

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
(as apposed to what?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning: keep out of children.
(because it somehow always end up inside the children right?..)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

Interesting and insane laws:

Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a 500 dollar fine. (Hmm... I'm not that sure all of the suicide terrorists will be scared off by that.)

It is illegal for horses to eat fire hydrants. (What... the...)

It is illegal to allow a dog to be in a public place without its master on a leash. (Whoever passed this law was obviously half-asleep.)

It is illegal to allow a pet cat to run loose without a taillight. (Lol...)

It is illegal to carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock. (Oh great. Looks like we'll have to wait an extra hour to have lunch then.)

It is illegal to drive a motor vehicle on city streets unless a man with a lantern is walking ahead of it. (In that case most of the world should be locked up in prison.)

It is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire. (I'm sure we'll all be thinking of our stomachs when the building's on fire.)

It is illegal to have sex on a parked motorcycle. (Excluding all else, who'd want to have sex on a parked motorcycle?)

It is illegal to purchase an alcoholic beverage after midnight on Sunday, yet one may do so on Monday. (Makes sense if you think about it, but on first impression...)

It is illegal to purchase or use Sparklers in the city, yet you can buy fully disassembled automatic machine guns. (This might be better off in the "Only in America" section.)

It is illegal to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool. (A pity. That's a novelty I'd pay money to see.)

It is illegal to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale. (Strange, but not illogical until you take into account that there is no coastline at all in the state in which this is a law...)

It is illegal to wake a fireman when he is asleep. (AHH! HELP! FIRE!)

The penalty for jumping off a building is death. (Whoever came up with this? We should give him a Nobel Prize for such a masterful logical conclusion.)

Ten things to see before you die

1. A vegetarian be eaten by an animal.

2. An emo kid talk about happy bunnies.

3. Homer say something intelligent.

4. Taxes disappear.

5. Voldemort destroy one of his Horcruxes.

6. Michael Jackson be stalked by children.

7. Children take over class and teach teacher in child subjects, such as: armpit farts, skate-boarding, real music, ect.

8. Wrestling people forget their moves.

9. The coyote catch the road runner.

10. The reaction of the teen population if abercombie was closed and it was illegal to wear their clothing.

To maintain a healthy level of insanity

1. At lunch time, sit in your car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars and see if they slow down

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Everytime someone asks you to do something ask if they want fries with that.

4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping and you are woken up shout "AMEN!"

5. Put decaf in the cofee maker for three weeks once everyone has gotten over their caffine addictions switch to Expresso.

6. Skip down the hall instead of walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

8. sing along at the opera.

9. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you have a headache.

10. When leaving the zoo, satrt running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your life! Their loose!"

11.Pay off your MasterCard with your Visa.

12.Pop some popcorn without putting on the lid.

13.When someone says, "Have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.

14.Send yourself a CandyGram.

15.Have a tea party with your pets.

16.Make a list of things to do that you have already done.

17.Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to school as if nothing was wrong.

18.Write checks with Roman numerals.

19.Write "Out to lunch" on your forehead.

20.Leaf through a National Geographic and draw clothes on everybody.

21.Drive to the store in reverse.

22.Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.

23.Read the dictionary backwards and look for hidden messages.

24.Bill your doctor for time spent in the waiting room.

25.Stare at people through the points of a fork and pretend they're in jail.

26.Make up a language and stop someone to ask for directions.

27.Write a short story using alphabet soup.

28.Talk to your fish.

29.Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias.

30.Start conversations with the words, "Did you ever wonder why..."

31.Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

32.Buy a complete set of Transformers. Play with them loudly. If people comment, tell them with a straight face, "There's more to them than meets the eye."

33.Read this.

Mental Hospital Phone Menu

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital!
Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up_SEE FUNNY

This has got to be one of the most clever
brainteasers I've seen in a while.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

Pick the month you were born:
January--I kicked
February--I loved
March--I kissed
April--I licked
May--I jumped on
June--I smelled
July--I did the Macarena With
August--I had lunch with
September--I danced with
October--I sang to
November--I yelled at
December--I ran over

Pick the day (number) you were born on:
1--a birdbath
2--a monster
3--a phone
4--a fork
5--a snowman
6--a gangster
7--my mobile phone
8--my dog
9--my best friends' boyfriend
10--my neighbor
11--my science teacher
12--a banana
13--a fireman
14--a stuffed animal

15--a goat
16--a pickle
17--your mom
18--a spoon
19-- - a smurf
20--a baseball bat
21--a ninja
22--Chuck Norris
23--a noodle
24--a squirrel
25--a football player
26--my sister
27--my brother
28--an ipod
29--a surfer
30--a llama
31--A homeless guy

Pick the color of shirt you are wearing:
White--because I'm cool like that
Black--because that's how I roll.
Pink--because I'm crazy.
Red--because the voices told me to.
Blue--because I'm sexy and I do what I want
Green--because I think I need some serious help.
Purple--because I'm AWESOME!
Gray--because Big Bird said to and he's my leader.
Yellow--because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars
Orange--because my family thinks I'm stupid anyway.
Brown--because I can..
Other--because I'm a Ninja!
None--because I can't control myself!

My Answers: I ran over a homeless guy becuase I think I need some serious help!

Those who say words never hurt have never been hit by a dictionary.

You know its a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.

When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"

I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every damn minute of it." --Unknown

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe." --Albert Einstein

“You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.” - Unknown

“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” - Unknown

“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.” - Unknown

“He who laughs last didn't get it.” - Unknown

“When there's a will, I want to be in it.” - Unknown

"Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again

"Dance my little puppets, Dance!" - God

Good friends will pick you up when your fall, BEST FRIENDS will push you back down and laugh.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

Come to the dark side. We have COOKIES!

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.

Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.

One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...

Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is frowned upon in most societies. ~Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!

It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Tu madre! Yes, you just got burned in Spanish. Would you like some ice for that Spanish burn?

They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people. (So true...)

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you.

Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up. (I know mine do!)

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

My favorite word is sarcasm. (Yep, totally is.)

"I know water doesn't bite! What a stupid thing to say! Water doesn't have to bite you! You drown in it you moron!" -Stewie Griffin

"You know, I do not think that means what you think it means." Inigo Montoyez

Make a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day but set the man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

It's all fun and games until the other person loses their sanity.

I've got things to break, people to laugh at, objects to drool over and who knows what else.

Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again

A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that.

I'm not insane... i just do whatever the voices tell me to.

Guys should be like lattes-rich,strong,and hot

Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.

Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.

Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?

Why are the Force and duct tape the same?-
Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together!

Don't hate yourself in the morning-sleep till noon.

You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.

I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

When I say LOL I'm not laughing out loud. I just have nothing better to say.

I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.

You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.

I'm the kind of girl who will burst our laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday.

"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide

I don't obsess! I think intensely.

Be who you are and say what you feel for those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind- Dr.Suess

It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.

"Never hire a colorblind electrician."

"If you are good you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good you will get out of it."

"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?"

"A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking."

"Maybe this world is another planet's hell."

"Sometimes you're the windshield, but sometimes you gotta be the bug."

"I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear into my crib."

"Always listen to experts- they'll tell you confidently what can't be done and why. Then go ahead and do it."

"After all is said and done a heck of a lot more is said than done."

"At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote."

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.

The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

People who say it can't be done should not interrupt those of us who are doing it.

Write only if you cannot live without writing. Write only what you alone can write.

You can't wait for inspiration; you have to go after it with a club.

You don't write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.

The act of writing is the act of discovering what you believe. Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it thinks about dogs.

My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask, "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."

The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

SARCASM is just another free service I offer.

I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.

I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes i just don't show up.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Education is important; school however, is another matter.

Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.

Boys are like purses: cute, full of crap, and always replaceable.

Boys are like skateboards; they can go fast but usually there pretty slow.

If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

I can only please on person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.

Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.

I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried

Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

Trying is the first step toward failure.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?

Dream big dreams, because little dreams have no magic.

Ooooo...a life. Where can I download one?

I apologize, do you want me to mean it too?

Forgiveness is the scent a rose leaves on the heel that crushes it.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?

"Sometimes I wonder 'why is the Frisbee getting bigger?' then I get hit in the face."

"The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide."

"All those who have telekinesis, raise my hand."

"Doctors say I have multiple personality disorder. We disagree with that."

“I am sick of people having a near deathexperienceand saying they saw the light. You know what the paramedics do when they first arrive? THEY SHINE A LIGHT IN YOUR EYE! That’s not GOD…it’s a MAGLIGHT!” ~Tony V.

Fake is the new trend. I guess everyone’s in style.

Yes I may be smiling, but I’m secretly laughing at your face.

I didn’t say that it was your fault…I said I was going to blame you.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted then used against you.

I love my computer, because my friends live in it.

I'm the person your mother warned you about.

If you have noticed this notice you will have noticed that this notice is not worth noticing

Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again.

Copying from a single source is called plagiarism, copying from multiple source is called research.

I hear voices, and they don't like you.

Is it possible to scream at the bottom of your lungs?

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

Do not disturb I’m disturbed enough already

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive.

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Well, sorry just doesn't cut it...scissors do.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

There are three sides to any argument: your side, my side and the right side.

Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

Cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

It doesn’t mater if you win or lose, but it matters if I win or lose.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Live dangerous…Run with scissors.

" My Best friends are the kind that if my house burns down, they're there roasting marshmellows and flirting with the firemen."

" Good friends bail you out of jail, BEST FRIENDS are there sitting next to you saying ' Damn that was awesome!' "

There is always a light at the end of a tunnel; just pray it isn’t a train.

Practice makes perfect but nobody is perfect so whats the point of practicing?

It’s not cheating unless you get caught.

I’ve got a problem for your solution.

I hope life isn’t a joke, because I don’t get it.

I never think of the future - it comes soon enough.

Nobody goes there anymore because it’s too crowded.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.

If you’re not living life on the edge, you’re taking up too much space.

Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.

I’d like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Time flies when you don’t know what you’re doing.

The worst time to have a heart attack is when you’re playing charades. No one will believe you.

It is no accident that ‘stressed’ spelled backward is ‘desserts’.

I’m not sleeping. I’m just looking at the insides of my eyelids.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but an onion a day keeps everyone away.

Life is like a roll of toilet paper – long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong time.

Hear no evil. See no evil. Make some evil.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

A rejected invention:Instant water! just add water!

Ahhh I'm running after the bad guy who took my pack of Skittles... I worked hard for that pack... Ahhh he's eating them!! Now he's throwing them at me... Call 911!!

At last! My plans for world domination are complete! MAHAHAHAA? Oh look, something shiney.

Beware of the little green men in pink tights. They run fast and can jump out of nowhere. I am running away from them right now.

Confusius say: Man who eat jelly beans fart in technicolor

If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?

Without those blonde moments, life would be so dull.

When women are depressed, they eat chocolate or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk!

When life gives you lemons, make apple juice, then laugh at the world while it trys to figgur out how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, throw it right back at life and tell it to make it's own damn lemonade!

Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.

Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional...

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff.

I'm not random, I just have many tho- CHEESEBURGER!

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it’s gone.

Help I've fallen and I can't...hey nice carpet!

There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality.

A true friend is someone who will still ride in a car with you no matter how many times you almost killed them.

Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun!

Palm Reader: -gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."

Excuse me. Have you seen my sanity? I think I've lost it...

I used to care, but I take a pill for that now.

I can resist anything but temptation.

The best place to hide is in plain sight.

Guys aren't worth your tears.

I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away.

If I asked for your opinion, I'd take the tape off your mouth.

Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.

"Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a fork."

Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?!

So what if we act like imature idiots? We're having fun.

Anyone can reach the stars. If you can't reach them, catch one that falls.

Smile... it confuses people.

Labels are for cans, and in case you haven't noticed, I'm not a can!

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.

I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.

Don't think of your self as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

A good friend picks you up when you fall,a best friend picks you up and then trips you again.

I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes

WARNING:Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head. NOTE:Do use an axe to kill a fly on ur enemies head

I will kill you in your sleep. . . . You laugh like I'm kidding.

I am a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios.

I'm not afraid of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?

When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Americans: THATS NOT FUNNY! We're suing! (this is just so true.)

Sleeping pills: I remember taking some, I just don't remember how many...

I live in my own little world, but it's okay. They know me there.

Everyday, I beat my previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Middle age is when you buy the cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

ever notice that in star wars when darth vader tells luke he is his father, he cuts off lukes hand? i think that is pretty cool, then he gets a new hand! i so wanted to cut my hand off after watching it!

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiousity was framed.

When in doubt, make up words!

Isn't having a smoking section in a resturant like having a peeing section in the pool?

You know the world has gone crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the best and tallest person in the MBA is Chinese, The Swiss hold America's cup, France is accusing US of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to go to war.

If at first you don't succeed, try walking around the brick wall.

A repair shop: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)

When life gives you lemons, squirt the lemons in Life's face

Boy, I didn't fall for you, you tripped me!

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your stupid...

A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch the crap out of them.

People like you are the reason why we have middle fingers.

JOKE TIME:D NOT A TRUE STORY!! There once was a grandmother who always baked chocolate chip cookies for her three grandchildren. The three grandchildren always snuck into the kitchen and ate the cookie dough before it was ready. Knowing this, the grandmother replaced the chocolate chips with bebe bullets. she then left. The first of the grandchildren was a girl. She ate a bit of the cookie dough, then went back upstairs.The next one was also a girl, and she did the same. Finally, the boy went and ate a bit of the cookie dough, and returned upstairs. The next morning, the first girl went to the grandmother and said "grandma, i went to he bathroom and pooped out bebe bullets" "what did you learn?" asked the grandmother "not to eat the cookie dough before the cookies are made" "good girl" the grandma praised and the girl ran back upstairs. Then, the second girl went to the grandmother and said "grandma, i went to he bathroom and pooped out bebe bullets" "what did you learn?" asked the grandmother "not to eat the cookie dough before the cookies are made" "good girl" the grandma praised and the girl ran back upstairs. Then, finally the boy came out of the garage and said "grandma i went pee and shot the cat!":D (Funny!!!)

I LOVE YOU is 8 letters but so is BULLSHIT

There is only one rain cloud in the sky...and it's raining on me. Somehow I'm not surprised.

Apparently 1 in 5 people are Chinese; there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. it's ether my mom or dad, or my older brother Collin, or my younger brother Ho-chan-chu, but I think it's Colin.

"Happiness is your dentist telling you "it won't hurt a bit," and then he catches his hand in the drill."

"The good news is that you may have screwed up my past and created my present but you have no control over my future."

Let's play truth or dare! Or maybe just dare, because nobody seems to tell the truth anymore

I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!

He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
She Said: You wear pants, don't you?

Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?

Have you ever been captured by evil squirrels and taken to their secret squirrel hideout, but rescued by your vampire love, who ran around with a machine gun shouting die squirrels, die?

I will kill you in your sleep. . . . You laugh like I'm kidding.

"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target."

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit!

-Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

- The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

"It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt-then it's hilarious!"

You know you know you live in 2007 when...

1.) You accidentaly enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV

6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.

12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.

If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.

If they are right... copy and paste this into your profile.

I you are in love with a fictional character copy and paste this into your profile.

Damon! Damon! Damon! Damon! Damon! If you are obsessed with Damon Salvator then copy and paste this into your profile.

If the only thing that you think about is Vampire Diaries sereis copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are on Team Damon copy and paste this into your profile.

If you beleive that your own Damon Salvator is out there copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever had a paper cut and sucked the blood copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have your own little world copy and paste this into your profile.

If there are time that you want to annoy people just for the heck of it copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever walked into a room and forgotten what you came for copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever read a 600+ page book in one day copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever read through the night copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have a little voice in your head that talks to you constantly and wont shut up copy and paste this into your profile.

I do not do drugs. I do sugar. If you're someone who does sugar, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever burned any sort of food in the microwave, oven, toaster, or on the stove, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you have ever cried when your favorite character in a movie, T.V show, or book died, copy and paste this into your profile.

No boy is worth crying for, and the one that is won't make you cry. If you agree, copy and paste this into your profile.

Like chocolate. Cheetahs are pretty. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people PLEASE copy and paste this into your profile

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what are you doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob fest, and start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say some completely random thing, like," Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumb-war with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings and tape them on your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the biographies and physical traits of every character in Vampire Diaries(or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Damon Salvatore is hot on your homework instead of doing it. Crazy is when you giggle upon finding out that Stefan and Elena have broken up (and you're just hoping she'll get with Damon). Crazy is when you wish your boyfriend's name was Damon. Crazy is when you sit for hours on end talking about Damon with your friends. Crazy is when one of your friends come up to you and says "He is so completely gorgeous!" and you know exactly who their talking about because your brain is no longer set on English, but Vampire Diaries. Crazy is when all your friends are scared of you because you are so hyper. Crazy is when you threaten your friends with a free trip to Mystic Falls and a vampire mafia if they don't read Vampire Diaries. Crazy is when you publicly insult Vampire Diaries at a Vampire Diaries signing (I got off easily because I’m cute :). Crazy is when your friends are afraid to say anything about Damon Salvatore cuz they know you are going to kick the crap out of them if they do . If you are crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list.

If you have ever stopped in the middle of a busy street to look at something, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you've ever went to tuck your hair behind your ear, and end up accidentally poking yourself in the eye, copy this to your profile.

If you're hyper, like being hyper, and are hyper all the time, copy this to your profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever ran into a mirror, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you forgot your phone number when someone asked you for it, copy this to your profile.

If you are anti-social sometimes copy this into your profile

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile.

I'm bored...If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do...

If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy and past this into your profile.

If you have ever gotten two mosquito bites that are in line and look like vampire bite copy and paste this into your profile

Instead of doing it yourself, you like to copy. If that describes you, paste this into your profile.

If you think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in your pro!

If you have ever missed your mouth when trying to take a sip of water, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever felt like just running somewhere, copy this into your profile.

If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever read started to read a chapter in a fan fiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could've clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "where to begin?"

If you are in lala land most of the time copy this into your profile.

If you've ever yelled at an inatimate object for not listening to you, copy and paste this into your profile

If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile

If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are crazy and proud of it copy and paste this onto your profile.

If someone has ever said something to you that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're a klutz and proud of it, put this into your profile!

If you've ever tried to lick your elbow and knew that it was physically impossible, copy this to your profile.

If you have ever thought of something funny, started laughing, and fell & hit your head on something hard, and ended up laughing harder than you were before, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you think that writing or reading Fanfic stories is fun, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've started having dreams featuring Vampire Diaries characters, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If when ever someone asks you your name, you have to think about it, copy this to your profile.

If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.

Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you had a choice between being human or being a vampire, and would choose vampire, copy this into your profile.

Pluto was no longer declared a planet on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "Too small" and "Off it's orbit" for a couple scientists’ likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile. LONG LIVE PLUTO!

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!! If you could read that put it in your profile.

If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.

Congradulations!! If you're reading this you finally made it to the end of my ridiculously long profile!!

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Just Keep Swimming by meenajon reviews
Something in a dream makes Elena want to swim. What happens when Stefan is unavailable and Damon offers to help? Rating changed to 'M' because of Dalena hotness.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Supernatural/Romance - Chapters: 26 - Words: 28,242 - Reviews: 144 - Favs: 82 - Follows: 151 - Updated: 4/23/2014 - Published: 4/25/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Wrong Salvatore by CosmicButton reviews
What if Elena got into a car accident and woke up with no memory of the last four years? As she learns to cope with her amnesia she has to also cope with her new life... it was certainly not what she expected. Canon until 1x15. Delena fic.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 30 - Words: 104,336 - Reviews: 1772 - Favs: 909 - Follows: 1,231 - Updated: 12/11/2012 - Published: 2/7/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Shows they can't do together! by kazumiXheartless reviews
Putting Stefan and Damon in different shows to see how they act.
Crossover - Supernatural & Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 100 - Words: 351,302 - Reviews: 1303 - Favs: 133 - Follows: 76 - Updated: 10/14/2012 - Published: 6/12/2010 - Damon S. - Complete
Blood Contract by ScarletKitten reviews
Elena awakens a dangerous vampire who has been sealed in an old house and discovers that she had somehow created a blood contract between them, making him her vampire servant.But even then, Elena has trouble controlling Damon. AU. Full summary inside. D/E
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 7 - Words: 18,413 - Reviews: 128 - Favs: 110 - Follows: 164 - Updated: 10/9/2012 - Published: 4/28/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
She Left You by JavaJunkie110 reviews
Starts off as an alternative to the scene in 'A Few Good Men' where Elena helps Damon with his shirt. Damon and Elena become friends; as their friendship grows Elena figures out that she can no longer be with Stefan. *DELENA*
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 22 - Words: 34,312 - Reviews: 496 - Favs: 268 - Follows: 350 - Updated: 7/20/2012 - Published: 3/28/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
A Vampire's Policy by Jinxed-Wood reviews
Spoilers up to 1X22. Stefan reignites his hunger for human blood, Elena tries to hold on as she deals with becoming a Vampire, and Damon ensures he gets his own way...
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 47,494 - Reviews: 403 - Favs: 247 - Follows: 363 - Updated: 5/13/2012 - Published: 4/13/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Exhausted by XTiaX13 reviews
Elena's neighbor, who she's known forever, has struck an emotion in Damon. What is her double life that he is nervous to reveal? And why does it put Elena in danger? Summary is bad, I know. If you think of a better one, feel free to tell me.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 22 - Words: 21,927 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 11/24/2011 - Published: 5/26/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Miles to Go by Dreamerfrvrp3 reviews
Set after Founders Day. Elena wakes up from a coma thinking that a confrontation with Katherine put her in the hospital only to find that the date is August 19, 2009 and she's been in a coma ever since the car accident that killed her parents.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 5 - Words: 21,417 - Reviews: 159 - Favs: 133 - Follows: 210 - Updated: 11/7/2011 - Published: 5/23/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Lesser of the Two Evils by MEStarr reviews
Elena catches Stefan cheating with Bonnie, then goes on yet another road trip with Damon...stuff happens. After a while, after Damon and Elena are together, Stefan becomes jealous...but what will he do? DELENA!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,758 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 9/21/2011 - Published: 5/3/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Nineteenth Century Twins by Yamaha-117 reviews
An accident with the pocket watch strands Elena in 1864. She must deal with not only Katherine, but younger versions of the Salvatore brothers. When the time comes to choose, what will she decide? Past Damon, or present Stefan?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 23 - Words: 60,390 - Reviews: 897 - Favs: 498 - Follows: 678 - Updated: 9/5/2011 - Published: 5/18/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Angels Fall Down Too by Nina145 reviews
Summary inside. Make me smile and read it!ABANDONED
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,251 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 8/21/2011 - Published: 4/3/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
Broken by MissDale reviews
Katherine returns,and Stefan wants her back and starts being abusive to Elena,But he threatens to kill her family if she dares tell anyone. Will Damon realise what happening to the woman he loves,will Elena realise how Damon feels about her
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 36,945 - Reviews: 84 - Favs: 107 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 8/1/2011 - Published: 6/8/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Queen of The Shadows by Dark Alana reviews
What if it wasn't Stefan that saved Elena from the car accident? What if when Stefan and Damon first came to town and met Elena, she was more than that sweet and innocent girl that looked like Katherine? What if Elena had a powerful dark secret? REVIEW!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 25 - Words: 33,508 - Reviews: 117 - Favs: 111 - Follows: 76 - Updated: 7/30/2011 - Published: 6/12/2010 - Elena G., Tyler L., Mason L. - Complete
Georgia On My Mind by Meredith Girl reviews
Damon takes Elena on his little road trip to Georgia. Elena, distraught over her resemblence to Katherine, decides to let loose with surprising consequences. Canon through "Bloodlines." Follows most of the show plot with Damon-ic twists...
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 89,703 - Reviews: 1249 - Favs: 1,611 - Follows: 794 - Updated: 7/12/2011 - Published: 3/5/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Every End Has A Start by Asu91 reviews
AU After finding out that Katherine isn't in the tomb Damon announces his intention to leave and find her... But in the end everything turns out different than expected... Read the latest AN please!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 77 - Words: 211,820 - Reviews: 783 - Favs: 235 - Follows: 240 - Updated: 7/3/2011 - Published: 2/13/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Vampire Diaries:Merging the Familes by ayekay47 reviews
3quel to Octoberfest with the Salvatores, and sequel to Christmas with the Gilberts, lol. review.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 17,293 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 58 - Updated: 6/22/2011 - Published: 5/27/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Twisted Alleys by Bluedreamer reviews
A little twist from the end of episode 22… Damon kisses Elena under the porch and gets Elena's feelings for him to surface. Will Elena stay with safe and steady boyfriend Stefan and will she choose dark and handsome Damon?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 6,306 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 5/31/2011 - Published: 5/15/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Fool For Love by Angel's blue eyed girl reviews
This fic takes place after my fic 'Aftershocks' if you haven't read that-you need to before reading this It's set during the epis of 'Unpleasant-ville' 'Children of the Damned' and 'Fool me Once'. As always with my fics there is a major *SMUT WARNING*
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 15 - Words: 127,185 - Reviews: 988 - Favs: 650 - Follows: 657 - Updated: 5/13/2011 - Published: 2/21/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Disturbing the Universe by rachel.leann reviews
Set after the season finale. When Damon discovers that he kissed Katherine instead of Elena, what will happen? And when Elena is wounded, will Damon risk everything to save her?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 45,550 - Reviews: 192 - Favs: 122 - Follows: 90 - Updated: 4/30/2011 - Published: 6/10/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
A Single Rose by ChokolateKiss reviews
This begins after the Founder's Day events. Stefan is spiraling out of control and Elena starts to feel a stronger pull towards Damon. It starts as Stefan&Elena but will eventually lead to Damon & Elena. Reviews are always welcome :
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 19 - Words: 38,376 - Reviews: 207 - Favs: 135 - Follows: 201 - Updated: 4/19/2011 - Published: 4/22/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
I Know You Want Me by Kara.R.K reviews
Damon and Elena share the perfect kiss, but a misunderstanding causes a confused Elena to push Damon away, leaving him heart-broken. Can Elena find Damon and admit her true feelings?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 25 - Words: 88,150 - Reviews: 345 - Favs: 132 - Follows: 174 - Updated: 4/13/2011 - Published: 4/18/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
She Will Be Mine by JealousGreenEyes reviews
Damon attempts to seduce Elena, who is currently dating Matt, will she fall into temptation or fall in love? *Delena*
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 18 - Words: 27,213 - Reviews: 156 - Favs: 117 - Follows: 106 - Updated: 3/12/2011 - Published: 6/4/2010 - Damon, Elena
Shadow Princess by i.am.obsessed. 'Youngbloodx reviews
Elena is blackmailed by Damon with Stefan's life and her own. It takes a while, but the deal is set and Elena's immortal and is now in love with Damon. Stefan' dying inside, and needs her back. Can Stefan and Elena Fall in love all over again? Or not?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Supernatural - Chapters: 15 - Words: 24,870 - Reviews: 119 - Favs: 66 - Follows: 67 - Updated: 3/4/2011 - Published: 1/14/2010 - Elena, Damon
Prince by katekale reviews
Abandoned by his brother and the woman he loves, Damon has surendered to the dark. But when his wild lifestyle effects Fell's Church, Elena has no choice but to intervene...and finds herself once again caught between two brothers. Who will she choose?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 23 - Words: 38,928 - Reviews: 112 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 91 - Updated: 2/22/2011 - Published: 4/16/2010 - Damon, Elena
Out Of Town by iamnotavampire2 reviews
Damon wants to leave for a while, just wanting to get out of state, but what happens when Elena says that she wants him to take her away with him?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 33,156 - Reviews: 438 - Favs: 291 - Follows: 213 - Updated: 11/17/2010 - Published: 6/22/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Maybe I chose The Wrong Brother by tiffani'TL reviews
Stephanie and Gabriella; old friends of the Salvatores come to Mystic Falls bearing news that they're not sure The brothers will like. And while Elena begins to admit to her feelings for Damon will his old friend take her place?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 8 - Words: 10,476 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 10/10/2010 - Published: 5/19/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Say Goodnight, and Go by Ivycat reviews
Elena is attacked while Stefan is out of town. Not a childrens story. Book world.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 21,848 - Reviews: 72 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 9/24/2010 - Published: 6/9/2010 - Elena, Damon - Complete
Stunned Silence by katesy393 reviews
Before she could say anything else, a scream sounded from inside the house, and realization hit Damon like a ton of bricks. "Katherine," he whispered. A twist on the season finale scene between Damon and Elena. No longer a one-shot!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,047 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 9/21/2010 - Published: 5/15/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Torn by FirstLove15 reviews
Sequel to MORE THAN ONE. Elena soon learns that happily ever after doesn't come by easy when both the Salvatore's are involved and it gets more complicated by the minute. Katherine is coming and Elena's change is on the horizon. ElenaDamonStefan.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 16 - Words: 24,258 - Reviews: 110 - Favs: 62 - Follows: 68 - Updated: 9/21/2010 - Published: 5/13/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
One Is The Loneliest Number by Mystewitch reviews
After that shared kiss, Damon believes that Elena returns his feelings, at least in part. This is my version of what happens after the season one finale.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Drama/Supernatural - Chapters: 33 - Words: 96,966 - Reviews: 657 - Favs: 395 - Follows: 272 - Updated: 9/19/2010 - Published: 5/15/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
Incipit Vita Nova by blackmarketmusic reviews
With the return of the maniacal Katherine, Damon and Elena find themselves wrought in present dangers they scarcely imagined. Set directly after Founder's Day, the Season One Finale. Full summary inside. Please read and review!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,480 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 9/8/2010 - Published: 5/21/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Inside by Aspect reviews
"Oh god she panicked, swiftly reaching a hand out and confirming her worst fear; she felt the silk lining of what could only be a coffin… a coffin that she was now buried in" Set sometime in S2 D/E - COMPLETE
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 21 - Words: 69,084 - Reviews: 552 - Favs: 579 - Follows: 250 - Updated: 8/24/2010 - Published: 6/9/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
Vampire Diaries S02E01 by SilentAuthor14 reviews
My version of what i think should happen in the next Season of Vampire diaries..Carying on from founders Day.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,171 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 8/23/2010 - Published: 5/19/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Switch by kazumiXheartless reviews
Damon finally messed around with the wrong vampire but poor Elena got into the cross fire. Now their stuck in the others body. Will they be able to change back or will Damon be stuck once he finds out Elena loves the switch?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 9,197 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 8/22/2010 - Published: 5/17/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Five Minutes by WhatTheF-ckHaveYouDoneLately reviews
Post 1x10. Elena has just fought with Stefan, and ends up going to California with Damon for "five minutes." A bond she'll never break. An adventure she'll never forget. Five minutes was all it took to change her. Was all it took for her to fall for him.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Hurt/Comfort/Friendship - Chapters: 10 - Words: 33,039 - Reviews: 131 - Favs: 146 - Follows: 82 - Updated: 8/22/2010 - Published: 6/23/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
The Value of Life by Serona reviews
This story is my version of what will happen. It picks up directly after the end of Season 1 Episode 22 "Founder's Day". DS/EG
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 10,051 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 74 - Updated: 8/21/2010 - Published: 5/29/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Jealousy by niadk reviews
"Jealousy is a powerful emotion. It is filled with hate and love and it can make people do the craziest things! It overpowers all logic and it can bring down the strongest of the strong!" This sets after episode 1X21, 'Isobel'. Delena.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 13 - Words: 33,161 - Reviews: 200 - Favs: 131 - Follows: 81 - Updated: 8/21/2010 - Published: 6/22/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Only In Dreams by Red Stockings reviews
Bonnie believes there is only one way to get rid of Damon. But when he finds himself swapped into Stefan's body, he can only think of Elena. But with her now in his arms, what will he do? Follows cannon. Damon/Elena
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 9 - Words: 15,859 - Reviews: 63 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 57 - Updated: 8/18/2010 - Published: 5/24/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Things That Damon Would NEVER Say by Dbz VD rox reviews
A funny story about the things that Damon will probably never say.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,169 - Reviews: 39 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 8/15/2010 - Published: 6/7/2010 - Damon S.
A Little Brotherly Competition by SunGlassesFreak16 reviews
That's for Elena," he said and turned on his heel; and without a glance behind him to see whether Stefan lived or died he walked out the door.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 5,680 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 19 - Updated: 8/14/2010 - Published: 4/28/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
History Today by VampireFan01 reviews
Damon unwillingly revels his true feelings after being constantly bothered by Stefan. Elena hears against her wishes and theirs. What happens now that she knows the truth? Are they still destine to be friends? Please R&R!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 11,445 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 8/9/2010 - Published: 6/22/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
The Storm by rachel.leann reviews
Elena was vaguely aware that she was dying. The pain no longer felt as sharp or as real. She grew tired so she closed her eyes and let the dim traces of her humanity slip away... Set after Damon and Elena capture Stefan. Will Elena choose to stay or run?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 20,595 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 61 - Updated: 8/9/2010 - Published: 4/29/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
Dangerous Liaisons by riri2009 reviews
The company we keep can influence the ends our fates meet. "It shocked him like bolts of lightning. Stefan moaned as the pain became stronger, and shut his eyes tightly. He didn't need to keep them open. He already knew what was happening." Season Two Fic
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 17,506 - Reviews: 137 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 87 - Updated: 8/8/2010 - Published: 5/31/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Tempted by smile1 reviews
Damon/Elena story.*CHAPTER 13's UP* She bit her lip again and smiled, her eyes downcast and the color in her cheeks deepening. "Stop looking at me like you've never seen a girl naked before."
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 39,874 - Reviews: 302 - Favs: 212 - Follows: 223 - Updated: 8/7/2010 - Published: 3/14/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Everything by DeanObsession reviews
Elena and Damon have one night, while still with Stefan. That one night could change all relationships that had or have been. But the secret that Elena has to tell could be what really destroys it all, or gets them to where they were supposed to be.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 11 - Words: 7,994 - Reviews: 95 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 96 - Updated: 7/30/2010 - Published: 4/30/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
The whole truth and nothing but the truth by DarkAngelclm reviews
Katherine's return reveals the whole truth about Damon's feelings for Elena. How will she handle it? Is Katherine right about Elena really desiring Damon? Are Damon's feelings only one sided or does Elena truly feel the same?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 45,670 - Reviews: 98 - Favs: 147 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 7/28/2010 - Published: 6/14/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Post Break Up by Ellen-Thalia reviews
Elena can't take anymore of Stefan's 'protecting' her so she breakes up with him. 2 months later she runs into Damon and realises she misses him, he needs a favor, what could come of this...? Possible spoilers upto episode 14 Fool Me Once, AU after th
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 43,879 - Reviews: 225 - Favs: 144 - Follows: 173 - Updated: 7/27/2010 - Published: 2/15/2010 - [Damon S., Elena G.]
Strange world by Nina Fionnlagh reviews
Set after FOUNDERS' DAY. What if the one getting to the porch had been the real Elena instead of Katherine?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 12 - Words: 19,899 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 135 - Updated: 7/25/2010 - Published: 5/15/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Where Love Went Wrong by Nichole Thompson reviews
Bonnie puts a spell on Caroline to reverse her feelings of sadness over Damon and Matt, which is mistakenly put on Elena as well. What happens when Elena's love for one Salvatore becomes loathing? And who will be there for the fall-out? AU post 1x10
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Drama - Chapters: 19 - Words: 56,839 - Reviews: 326 - Favs: 126 - Follows: 216 - Updated: 7/19/2010 - Published: 1/8/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Pandora by Dark Alana reviews
Aftermath after "Miss Mystic Falls". Damon,Elena,Stefan,Jeremy,Anna and Bonnie all try to deal with their problems, while trying to deal with Jonathan Gilbert. Please Review!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 20,144 - Reviews: 103 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 40 - Updated: 7/17/2010 - Published: 4/26/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Wake Up by neverletgo.xo reviews
"I want to show you something." Damon said turning around and facing me. "But first, you have to wake up." Damon smiled at me and kissed my cheek. I shot up from my bed. My cheek was stinging and tears were in my eyes. Damon/Elena. Please R&R!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Tragedy - Chapters: 13 - Words: 25,002 - Reviews: 97 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 58 - Updated: 7/14/2010 - Published: 6/6/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
What Happens In Vegas by Team Damon reviews
Elena decides to let loose before her upcoming wedding to Stefan, and who better to help than Damon? Now complete
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 19,382 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 121 - Follows: 46 - Updated: 7/12/2010 - Published: 6/15/2010 - Elena, Damon - Complete
Of Blood and Vampires by The Lost Chapters reviews
Elena wants to find her mother, she just isn't sure how to do that yet. Damon wants to find out what Elena's up to. The summary bites, i know. Rated T for later chapters just to be safe. Some possible violence. Well, they are vampires after all.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 7 - Words: 17,049 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 7/10/2010 - Published: 4/11/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Birthday 53X by Kara.R.K reviews
It's Damon's birthday and Elena knows just how to say Happy Birthday...
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,196 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 157 - Follows: 103 - Updated: 7/10/2010 - Published: 4/24/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
A walk on the wild side by thefuturemrscullen09 reviews
: Elena is conflicted by her love for BOTH Salvatore brothers. How can she tell Stefan she is fallen in love with Damon as well? Who will she choose and what will Damon say when he finds out Elena is in love with him. RATED M for a reason
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 8,514 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 7/3/2010 - Published: 6/4/2010 - Elena, Damon
Repetition Ends In Failure by JustAnotherTwilightFanGirl reviews
Set after Stefan is locked in the cellar. He visits Elena, but is very angry when he finds that she has been hanging out with Damon. Can Stefan control his anger? Can Elena forgive him? Can she trust Damon, and will history repeat itself? T for now.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,163 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 7/2/2010 - Published: 6/12/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Reasons For You by MydnytAngel reviews
Damon goes to apologize to Elena after the bachelor auction, but will she let him?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,137 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 56 - Updated: 6/28/2010 - Published: 6/22/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
the worst fear by Nena-Daconte reviews
The new Stefan doesn t care about Elena. She and Damon fight to get him back but they might realize they need eachother more than they want to admitt
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 11 - Words: 8,283 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 6/22/2010 - Published: 4/24/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Always be my brother by breezychick12 reviews
Stefan commits suicide, and Damon feels terrible.OOC! COMPLETE
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Tragedy/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,023 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 4 - Published: 6/22/2010 - Damon S., Stefan S. - Complete
A Light At Midnight by VampireFan01 reviews
What would it be like if Damon and Elena had a secret relationship? PLEASE COMMENT: ALL ARE WELCOME...GOOD BAD ANY...
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 14,222 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 6/21/2010 - Published: 5/4/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Bad Judgment & Tequila Shots by LavenderLou88 reviews
My spin on the Bloodlines Episode. "She wants you." Bree leaned over the bar, "Its not like you to sit back and do nothing, Damon." Body shots. Bar fights. & Blood. The best kind of party. *LIGHT SMUT* Read & Review at your own risk. *ONE-SHOT*
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,609 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 56 - Published: 6/20/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Rose of Temptation by ScarlettKat reviews
With Stefan and Bonnie gone to sort out a issue in Italy, Elena is left with damon as her babysitter for the week. Will Elena be able to resist his charms and more importantly does she want to? Damon/Elena
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 9,915 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 6/19/2010 - Published: 5/7/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Living With Vampires by velja reviews
AU. Elena moves in with the Salvatores. But when Stefan leaves town to deal with family business, things change. Enter a date and a midnight swim and you get Delena fun. But what happens when Stefan comes back with kids as company? ON HIATUS NOW, SORRY.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 40,924 - Reviews: 419 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 281 - Updated: 6/19/2010 - Published: 4/8/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Belonging to Elena by Red Stockings reviews
When Elena wakes up in hospital, she finds the world has changed around her, and it's Damon she suddenly looks to for help. Follows ep 22. One-Shot
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,274 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 13 - Published: 6/19/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Let the Right One Out by Le26199 reviews
A remake of Vampire diaries : Let the Right One In, but from Damon's POV and with a twist on Stefan and Elena's roles... Rated M because I'm not sure how far this story will go...
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,354 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 17 - Published: 6/19/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Broken by damonandelenaforthewin reviews
With everything that's happened to Elena Gilbert, it's surprising she hasn't had a nervous breakdown yet. But what if Founder's Day was the last straw, and that's exactly what happens? Delena in later chapters, cause i just can't keep them apart.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 6,788 - Reviews: 75 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 81 - Updated: 6/18/2010 - Published: 5/25/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Falling in Love the Hard Way by Nikki Exley reviews
A series of late night encounters between Damon and Elena finds them growing closer and Elena has to fight her growing attraction to the other Salvatore brother. First chapter is set during the ride home from Atlanta.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 15,521 - Reviews: 289 - Favs: 521 - Follows: 193 - Updated: 6/18/2010 - Published: 6/11/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Founder's Day: The Aftermath by tamilnadu09 reviews
Set after the events of 1x22...just a little something to keep us entertained for four months while we wait for Vampire Diaries to come back with new episodes!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Supernatural - Chapters: 41 - Words: 54,518 - Reviews: 1283 - Favs: 433 - Follows: 302 - Updated: 6/18/2010 - Published: 5/14/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
I wont forget you by niadk reviews
This idea came to me when Jeremy said to Damon: "you may erased my memories, but the feeling is still here". What If Damon met Elena before Stefan? What If she had fallen for him first, but he had erased her memories? I dont own TVD and these characters
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 10 - Words: 17,038 - Reviews: 186 - Favs: 180 - Follows: 82 - Updated: 6/18/2010 - Published: 6/8/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Alive and Well by jm1681 reviews
Anna wakes up in the middle of the fire to find she is still very much alive. Katherine's presence threatens to disrupt the Mystic Falls status quo even further. Anna/Jeremy, Elena/Stefan, Damon/... Please Review.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 6 - Words: 26,602 - Reviews: 60 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 6/17/2010 - Published: 5/20/2010 - Anna, Jeremy G. - Complete
Forbidden Love Hurts More by Poppy Salvatore-Ozera reviews
OK... Summary inside but basically this is when Elena dies in The Fury but with a different ending. Stefan is such a nube! This is what I think should have happened and I can't beleive he didn't think to do it! Urgh! Previously named My One And Only Love
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 769 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 6/16/2010 - Published: 5/19/2010 - Damon, Elena - Complete
Bloodstream by November Fatale reviews
Follows Damon's thoughts in the aftermath of Founder's Day. He finds himself musing over his situation after the kiss. Enjoy!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,534 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 5 - Published: 6/15/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Who do you love? by citigirl13 reviews
A one-shot: Damon and Stefan entered the kitchen to find both Elena and Katherine. They both look so similar - how do they tell which is which?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,306 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 89 - Follows: 26 - Published: 6/14/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Insomnia by desolate-love reviews
AU Elena has developed Insomnia after Stefan left Mystic Falls. She's all alone with her suffering. Or is she?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K - English - Hurt/Comfort/Tragedy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,163 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 6 - Published: 6/14/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
History by vvmadp reviews
Elena Gilbert's nightmare is just beginning. Picks up right where season one finale left off. No relationship is left unchanged in the aftermath as history comes back to haunt them all...
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 21 - Words: 51,972 - Reviews: 629 - Favs: 428 - Follows: 186 - Updated: 6/13/2010 - Published: 5/29/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
Only One by neverletgo.xo reviews
What really happened when Damon and Elena went to Georgia? And what were their consequences when they returned to Mystic Falls? Better than summary , read and review! Damon/Elena
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 14,836 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 6/12/2010 - Published: 5/25/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
Thoughts Unspoken by xWeAreGolden reviews
Elena starts to notice that there may be more to Damon than she originally thought as he lets her see other sides of him no one has seen before. They begin to realize how their destinies are entwined.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,532 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 27 - Updated: 6/9/2010 - Published: 5/2/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Fragile Flame by The Queen of Pecans reviews
All he can do is hold her. Hold her like he won't let go, kiss her like there's no tomorrow. Because when everyone's life is on the line, what else can he really do? Delena. Damon/Elena. Picks up where the season finale left off. Please R&R.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,509 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 30 - Updated: 6/8/2010 - Published: 6/7/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Villain by linetteflys reviews
Nowadays, he finds himself wishing that annoying clichés really did happen. Surely he must be thinking this while completely intoxicated, but he wanted a happily ever after with her. —DamonElena.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,114 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 6 - Published: 6/8/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Damon's Ultimatum by Damons-Dark-Wolf reviews
When Damon locks Stefan and Elena in the basement of the boarding house, he gives Stefan a choice: surrender Elena or risk draining her dry. What will Stefan choose? ADOPTED by Alexis 234!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 2,496 - Reviews: 52 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 51 - Updated: 6/8/2010 - Published: 4/28/2010 - Elena, Damon - Complete
Damon's Pet by Damons-Dark-Wolf reviews
What happens when Damon gives Elena a wolf who will obey her only when her heart begins to yearn for Damon more than Stefan? How will her school days be affected? How long will it take before her new pet listens? ADOPTED by Alexis 234!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 2,467 - Reviews: 62 - Favs: 47 - Follows: 50 - Updated: 6/8/2010 - Published: 5/4/2010 - Elena, Damon
Happy Hunting Stefan by kisswithabyte reviews
Just a one-shot of Damon and Elena at a pet shop
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 754 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 13 - Published: 6/7/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
The real Miss Mystic Falls by Valtjuh reviews
Stefan is still drinking human blood behind Elena's back. And has huge secrets. But when she finally learns the truth, what will happen? Will she stay with him? Or will she break up with him and move on… read to find out!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,718 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 8 - Follows: 15 - Updated: 6/7/2010 - Published: 6/4/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Turnaround by goldennight16 reviews
Just a random 'delena' clip about the scene between Katherine and Damon at the end of the finale, but with Elena and Damon instead.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 41,867 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 92 - Follows: 63 - Updated: 6/5/2010 - Published: 5/21/2010 - Elena G., Damon S. - Complete
The Kiss by Eye of The Tigress reviews
D/E's first kiss- MY version. when Elena gives into Damon's temptaion, she will have to choose. Or will History Just HAVE to repeat itself?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,003 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 6/2/2010 - Published: 5/31/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Under the Cover of Darkness by Kara.R.K reviews
A case of mistaken identity causes Elena to unknowingly have a VERY intimate moment with the wrong brother...
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,596 - Reviews: 112 - Favs: 174 - Follows: 80 - Published: 6/1/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
But it's better if you do by Insanity4Free reviews
Stefan has stolen Damon's ring and Elena gets caught in the crossfire. Will Elena make it through in one piece or will a bad choices tear everything apart? M FOR LATER CHAPTERS; WARNING NOT YOUR TYPICAL D/E STORY.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 8 - Words: 6,614 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 5/30/2010 - Published: 12/18/2009 - Elena, Damon
our gravity is the most natural kind by emilyforprez reviews
all life follows the rule of gravity.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,185 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 5/27/2010 - Published: 5/23/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Vampire Diaries:Christmas with the Gilberts by ayekay47 reviews
Sequel to Octoberfest with the Salvatores. Damon goes to spend Christmas at the Gilbert's home along with Alaric and Anna. What trouble does he possibly get into now? Summary sucks, story is better!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 27,355 - Reviews: 71 - Favs: 65 - Follows: 46 - Updated: 5/26/2010 - Published: 5/17/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
Unexpected by Little Miss Novella reviews
Katherine/Damon, Damon/Elena. The plan was simple, to get to know her doppelgänger in 6 months and then kill her. He just never planned on falling in love with her. Please r&r!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 348 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 5 - Published: 5/25/2010 - Damon S., Elena G., Katherine
Stay With Me by Death By Teacup reviews
Damon and Elena confront their feelings for each other in the bedroom scene of 1x18. Evolves into Damon/Elena pairing as they work through their feelings while taking on Pearl's house of vampires and Stefan? *Smut warning for future chapters!*
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 14,628 - Reviews: 101 - Favs: 92 - Follows: 156 - Updated: 5/22/2010 - Published: 4/15/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Vampire Diaries:Diary of a Broken Heart by ayekay47 reviews
Ever since he drank her blood, Stefan has been having a nonstop battle with addiction.Elena's hurt,lost,confused, and can only handle so much.Damon is broken,carefree,unloved,and dark.With the both of them alone and hurt, can something happen?R&R!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 27,685 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 45 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 5/21/2010 - Published: 5/1/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete
The Hidden Room by OdetteOdile reviews
Damon. Elena. Katherine's machinations. Post-Season 1.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 1,512 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 26 - Updated: 5/18/2010 - Published: 5/17/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
The Way the Arrow Points by babiluv4848 reviews
This comes right after the "real" Elena comes into the house on Founder's Day, it's my version of what happens.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Suspense/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,580 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 41 - Published: 5/15/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
What Do You Want? by Mari's 6636 reviews
Elena saw the kiss between Damon and Katherine. The scene brings questions to her mind – and heart – about Damon's feelings, and Isobel's words. However, Katherine's return brings trouble, as always, along with one question... "What do you want?"
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,930 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 61 - Updated: 5/15/2010 - Published: 5/14/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Desire by Aishiteru Girl reviews
Stefan disappeared and Elena is furious and confused. What happens if Damon jumps at the chance? And what happens when some unexpected visitors come on the scene? Find out! Damon/Elena
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,316 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 36 - Updated: 5/14/2010 - Published: 4/15/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Doom's Day by BloodyFang92 reviews
The secrets are out and now everyone will have to deal with the aftermath of them as Founder Day comes. Stefan is attempting to keep Damon away from Elena but how successful could he be when the woman is seemingly drawn to his bad boy brother? Delena
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 17,964 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 5/13/2010 - Published: 5/8/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Truth or Consequences by BellaFiction reviews
Damon invites Elena to join in a game he's been playing for nearly a century. Will the possible consequences make Elena regret playing the game?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,638 - Reviews: 33 - Favs: 23 - Follows: 60 - Updated: 5/12/2010 - Published: 4/27/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Safe by Kagari-Z reviews
What happens when Stefan turns on Elana and Damon is the only one she can turn to?
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,612 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 5/7/2010 - Published: 4/18/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Death Becomes Her by writelikeademon reviews
Damon trusts Stefan to give him the book when he releases Elena, but Stefan destroys it in the fire. Damon gets his revenge, by making good on his threat to turn Elena into his "vampire girlfriend". Please review!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 17,429 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 146 - Follows: 201 - Updated: 5/5/2010 - Published: 3/4/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Sink or Swim by Hayleybob reviews
Elena never thought going to save Stefan in Hawaii with Damon would harm anyone but she is wrong when the plane crashes and Damon and Elena are the only ones who survied and then stranded on a island *rated M for later on*
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,316 - Reviews: 25 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 37 - Updated: 4/24/2010 - Published: 4/19/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
A Headache Named Damon by future mrs.wayland reviews
Elena goes to the Salvatore house to spend the day with Stefan but ends up falling for Damon. Literally!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 718 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 49 - Published: 4/21/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
What can I say by NightlyEvilTM reviews
Set after 1x15. After Isobel hung up on Elena, she needs to go to the once place she goes when she's so upset. But when she begins bleeding, the person comes to take care of her is the person that she least wants to see. Damon/Elena.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 9,148 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 34 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 4/18/2010 - Published: 4/3/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Why Do You Care? by TorturedLove reviews
Set after episode 17, Elena begins to wonder why Damon cares so much about whether she got hurt. So she calls Damon over with the intention of finding out, with some very interesting results! First fanfic! : Rating changed because I'm paranoid!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 7 - Words: 7,856 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 47 - Updated: 4/18/2010 - Published: 4/10/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
Along with Anna by iamwallflowerxx reviews
It's a Jeremy-Anna story that I'm just trying out for fun! : Read and Review. NO FLAMES!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,352 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 4/18/2010 - Published: 4/12/2010 - Jeremy G., Anna
The First Major Choice by desolate-love reviews
I couldn't believe that I'd existed before the feeling of her kiss. It was as close to heaven as I would ever get.Damon/Elena. First Vampire Dairies, Don't Be too Hard. Some Language. R&R Please!
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 4 - Words: 4,355 - Reviews: 17 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 4/14/2010 - Published: 2/3/2010 - Damon S., Elena G.
Revenge by EdwardHasMyHeart reviews
Katherine is alive and she wants revenge on Stefan for betraying her so long ago. But Damon on the other hand...is caught in the middle. So who's side is he? Elena's of course. Please read and review.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,891 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 4/14/2010 - Published: 2/13/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
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Ambushed reviews
"I don't share well, and you took what i want most. Therefor, you will be punished. In a week i'll open the tomb back up and we'll see if you can live that long." With that, Katherine shut the tomb's door, seeling Damon and Elena into it's depths. S2
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 12,313 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 84 - Updated: 8/23/2010 - Published: 8/6/2010 - Elena G., Damon S.
The Right Salvatore reviews
"That means somewhere along the way, you decided that I was worth choosing." I opened my mouth to respond, but Damon was already gone. 1x19 AU Delena fic.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Suspense - Chapters: 16 - Words: 30,132 - Reviews: 208 - Favs: 136 - Follows: 109 - Updated: 6/10/2010 - Published: 5/7/2010 - Damon S., Elena G. - Complete