Poll: Do really long profiles get on your nerves? a.k.a mine Vote Now!
Author has written 46 stories for Ninja Turtles, Avengers, Hawaii Five-0, Four Brothers, Guardians of the Galaxy, Harry Potter, Twilight, Gone, Young Justice, and Lost Girl.
I created a forum of ideas that I have but haven't been able to turn into actual fics. Why don't you give them a try, or post your own; here's the link: https://www.fanfiction.net/myforums/AlyCat3/2208128
Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile! Let this be a warning to all who proceed
Age: Old enough to be proud but not so old that I feel old
Birthday/Sign/Zodiac: Cold/ Sagittarius/Rooster
Sex: I might have all the girl parts, but anybody who meets me agrees that I am a huge tomboy
Where I live: I'm a Texan and I do wear boots
Religion: I'm an atheist, but I do respect other peoples religions and have a bunch of funny Christian stuff on this page
Stories I read: Twilight, Harry Potter, House Of Night, Olympian Series, Maximum Ride, Vampire Academy, Night World, Gone, The Hunger Games, Eragon, and so many more that I'm not going to bother filling the whole page with them
Family: Two brothers, I'm the middle child
Movies: I watch any movie that is book based, but that is just so I can abuse them of how bad they are. Usually I just watch comedy's, anything with the Marvel title, or football movies.
Future: I want to be an author (I know real original on this site), but am going to school for Equestrian studies (horses)
Favorite TV shows: Numb3rs, TMNT, Bones, Hawaii 5-0, Gargoyles, X-Men Evolution, Once Upon a Time, Shameless
Favorite Color: Camouflage Green
Favorite Flower/Meaning: White Iris/ Faith, Wisdom, Valor, Your Friendship means so much to me
Favorite Gem: Emerald
Birth Stone: Tanzanite
Favorite Animal: I can't honestly say I have a favorite animal, it's not fair there are just too many. I do heart me some Siberian Tigers, Golden Eagles, Bottlenose Dolphin's, Arabian Horses, Black Bears, Arctic Foxes, Calico's, and German Shepherds to name a few.
Favorite Food: pizza
Favorite Restaurant: Angelina's (that's a mexican restaurant)
Favorite Song: Follow your Arrow by Kacey Musgrave
Favorite Comedians: Jeff Dunham (Peanut), Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, Brad Williams (Fun Sized)
Notes on my fandoms:
TMNT: Any and all of those stories will take place in the 2k3 verse unless otherwise stated, and always before Fast Forward, not that I really count that as a 2k3 set, more of a bad continuation
Avengers: I love Tony and Hawkeye interaction, so if you have any good fics to recommend please tell me. This non slash pairing needs more fics.
Harry Potter: I am a huge stinking fan of the Marauders, and most all of anything I write for HP will take place for them, with a few exceptions
Young Justice: Someone needs to make a petition for this show to come back, and I will sign/ vote for whatever Update: This show is getting a season 3!!!!!!!
Harry Potter: Remus Lupin
Twilight: Embry Call
House of Night: Aphrodite
Percy Jackson and the Olympians:Percy Jackson
The Heroes of Olympus: Leo Valdez
Magnus Chase: Hearth
The Kane Chronicles: Sadie Kane
Maximum Ride: Iggy
NightWorld: Raksha Keller; Shapeshifters
Vampire Academy: Christian Ozera
Bloodlines: Adrian Ivashkov
Gone: Brianna aka "The Breeze"
His Dark Materials: Pantalaimon
The Hunger Games: Finnick Odair
The Chronicles of Narnia: Lucy Pevensie
Marley and Me: Marley
Sense8: Lito Rodriguez
Dexter: Angel Batista
Lost Girl: Kenzie (Mackenzie) Malikov
Drake and Josh: Drake Parker
Friends: Phoebe Buffay-Hannigan
Shameless: A genuine toss between Ian and Mickey between seasons
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody: Maddie Fitzpatrick
Sherlock (BBC): John Watson
Being Human (UK): George Sands
Zoo: Dr. Mitch Morgan
Blue Bloods: Danny Reagan
How I Met Your Mother: Barney Stinson
The Flash: Cisco Ramon
Legends of Tomorrow: Leonard Snart/ Captain Cold
Prison Break: Fernando Sucre
Walking Dead: Daryl Dixon
Once Upon A Time: Rumpelstiltskin/ Mr. Gold
Numb3rs: Charlie Ebbs until Colby Granger comes in
Legends of Korra: Bolin
House: Gregory House
Teen Titans: Beast Boy
X-Men: Kurt Vaughn a.k.a Nightcrawler
Bones: Jack Hodgins
Justice League: Flash (Wally West)
Justice League Unlimited: Green Arrow
Lost: Charlie Pace
Terra Nova: Josh Shannon
Jericho: Bonnie Richmond
Survivors: Najid Patel
Hawaii Five-O: Danny Williams
Code Lyoko: Odd
Green Lantern: Razer
Rugrats: Lillian Marie Jill DeVille (Lil)
Fairly Odd Parents: Cosmo Julius Cosma
Danny Phantom: Sam Manson
Kim Possible: Rufus
Xiaolin Showdown: Raimundo Pedrosa
The Mentalist: Patrick Jane
Arrow: Felicity Smoak
Young Justice: Wally West
Dragons: Rider of Berk: Hiccup
Supernatural: Dean Winchester until Castiel
Wreck it Ralph: Ralph
Finding Nemo: Dory
How to Train your Dragon: Toothless
Lilo and Stitch: Stitch
Atlantis: Kidagakash (Kida)
Brother Bear: Koda
Monsters Inc.: Boo
Oliver and Company: Dodger
The Little Mermaid: Scuttle
All Dogs Go To Heaven: Charlie
The Lion King: Rafiki
The Emperors New Grove: Kronk
The Great Mouse Detective: Basil
The Fox and the Hound: Todd
Treasure Planet: John Silver
The Jungle Book: Baloo
Hercules: Philoctetes (Phil)
Lady and the Tramp: Tramp
The Aristocats: Marie
Toy Story: Woody
The Road to El Dorado: Tulio
Over the Hedge: RJ
The Smurfs: Gutsy
Chicken Run: Babs
Rise of the Guardians: The Easter Bunny
Ice Age: Diego
Movies In General:
The Avengers: Iron Man
Iron Man: Tony Stark
Thor: Darcy Lewis
Captain America: Col. Chester Phillips
Guardians of the Galaxy: Rocket Raccoon
Ant-Man: Scott Lang
Age of Ultron: Clint Barton
Civil War: Tony Stark
Homeward Bound: Chance
I Robot: Del Spooner
Mummy: Rick O'Connell
Sherlock Holmes: Sherlock Holmes
The Fantastic Four: Johnny Storm
The Longest Yard: Caretaker
The Gridiron Gang: Willie
Marley and Me: John Grogan
Miss Congeniality: Gracie Hart
The Blind Side: SJ
Pirates of the Caribbean: Jack Sparrow
Spy Kids: Juni Cortez
Harry Potter Movies: Ron Weasley
Kangaroo Jack: Jack
The Chronicles of Narnia: Reepicheep
Red Dawn: Matt Eckert
Men in Black: Agent K
Aliens Vs. Predators: All of the Aliens
Grown Ups: Lenny Feder
Really random fact about me, I hate nuts. Hate the taste hate the smell hate that nasty crunch when you put them in your mouth just gag, the only thing I like is peanut-butter and that's just tolerable oh and only smooth not chunky I could keep going but you get the point. I'm not even allergic, I just hate them.
STOP ANIMAL ABUSE, PUT THIS ON YOUR BIO!
Writer's block: when characters get fed up with all you put them through and go on strike.
I drew and then colored a picture of a wolf howling at the moon; here's some of the responses I got
Mom: Oh honey that's beautiful it's wonderful it's almost as good as Da Vinci oh wait was he a sculptor?
Aunt: That's nice sweaty
Uncle: (looks up from TV) O cool (turns back to TV)
Older Brother: looks awesome... can I borrow five bucks
Little Brother: Oh wait those are wolfs
Six year old cousin: that's pwetty
Another Uncle: (looks up from TV) Oh cool (turn back to TV)
Grandma: O wait you drew that I thought (insert name of six year old cousin) got a hold of my good paper again
Grandpa: that's nice hun... next time try it with the lights on, makes a world of difference
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone: "In danger of being speared on the end of an umbrella by a bearded giant-"
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: "Of all the trees we could've hit, we had to get one that hits back.”
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: "Still in the showers," said Fred. "We think he's trying to drown himself.”
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: "Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it."
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: "I don't care if my tea leaves spell out die, Ron, die, I'm just chucking them in the trash where they belong."
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: "Why are you worrying about YOU-KNOW-WHO, when you should be worrying about YOU-NO-POO? The constipation sensation that's gripping the nation!”
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: "Not my daughter you bitch!"
Twilight: "I decided as long as I'm going to hell, I might as well do it thoroughly.”
New Moon: "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster for you, Bella."
Eclipse: "No, Emmett, I punched a werewolf in the face."
Breaking Dawn: "Did you know that 'I told you so' has a brother,Jacob?" she asked cutting me off. "His name is 'Shut the hell up'.”
House of Night; Marked : "Before I could cry or scream I whirled around and stalked to my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I hope they all drown. "Zoey your mother and I need to speak with you." Great. Clearly they didn't drown.”
House of Night; Betrayed: "Thus says a man who admits to worshiping a God who vilifies pleasure, relegates women to roles that are little more than servants and broodmares, though they are the backbone of your church, and seeks to control his worshippers through guilt and fear.”
House of Night; Chosen: "You know how it is with cats: They don't really have owners, they have staff."
House of Night; Untamed: "Because you are the superhero fledgling. I’m just your more attractive sidekick. Oh, and the herd of nerds are your dorky minions.”
House of Night; Hunted: "I'm a monster, not a moron.”
House of Night; Tempted: "What's an ass hat?"
House of Night; Burned: “ I'm going to talk to flowers about cows.”
House of Night; Awakened: "If cats understood technology and had opposable thumbs, they'd rule the world.”
House of Night; Destined: "He Who Cannot Be Named is involved,” I whispered. “Oh for shit’s sake. This isn't Hogwarts,” Aphrodite said.”
House of Night; Hidden: "What the hell's wrong with mimosas?' Aphrodite was saying. 'Orange juice is for breakfast.' 'What about the champagne part? That's alcohol,' Stevie Rae said. 'It's pink Veuve Clicquot. That means it's good champagne, which cancels out the alcohol part.”
House of Night; Revealed: "People suck. They do stupid things and they're not nice. The end."
The Lightning Thief: "We er...drowned in a bathtub."
Sea of Monsters: "She's funny that way, celebrating special occasions with blue food. I think it's her way of saying anything is possible. Percy can pass seventh grade. Waffles can be blue. Little miracles like that.”
Titans Curse: " Now, if you have never been hit by a flying burrito, count yourself lucky. In terms of deadly projectiles, it's right up there with grenades and cannonballs."
Battle of the Labyrinth: “If you’ve never been charged by an enthusiastic Cyclops wearing a flowered apron and rubber cleaning gloves, I’m telling you, it’ll wake you up quick.”
The Last Olympian: "My brother broke into a toothy grin. "Yay! Your brain works!”
The Lost Hero: "You want us to ride off and save the world on Happy the Dragon?"
Son of Neptune: "'I'm fine!" Percy yelled as he ran by, followed by a Giant screaming bloody murder."
The Mark of Athena: "Tremble before the horror of Diet Coke!"
House of Hades: "“Stupid rock gods!” Leo yelled from the helm. “That’s the third time I’ve had to replace that mast! You think they grow on trees?”
Heroes of Olympus: "I think we have achieved idiot mode."
The Hidden Oracle: "Defeating one ant had taken all of my energy."
The Dark Prophecy: "We were ten feet away when we triggered the First Law of Percy Jackson."
The Sword of Summer: "You missed a pedestrian, you want to go back and hit her?"
The Hammer of Thor: "My brain refused to get out of my head. Inconsiderate brain."
The Red Pyramid: "Nothing," I shouted. "We're being followed by a slaying machine. Go back to sleep."
The Throne of Fire: "I'm here to tell you, that comment about weasel cookies probably saved the known universe."
The Serpent's Shadow: "Please do not refer to the Devourer of Souls as Poochiekins."
Maximum Ride; Angel Experiment: "Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It's a grain. It's like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem.”
Maximum Ride; School's Out Forever: "You...are...a...fridge...with wings," Fang ground out, punching an Eraser hard with every word. "We're... freaking... ballet... dancers.”
Maximum Ride; Saving the World and Other Extreme Sports: "Basically, I have two speeds... Hostile or smart-aleck. Your choice.”
Maximum Ride; The Finale Warning: "What happened to your tan?""It was dirt."
Maximum Ride; Max: "I'm not Stubborn; I'm right!”
Maximum Ride; Fang: "So the first thing we're gonna do," I told him, "is push you off the roof.”
Maximum Ride; Angel: "Some kids get called 'bundles of joy' or 'slices of heaven' or 'dreams come true.' We got 'the fifty-fourth generation of DNA experiments.' Doesn't have the same warm and fuzzy feel. But maybe I'm oversensitive.”
Maximum Ride; Nevermore: "NOOOO!" On the screen, a woman's eyes bugged almost out of her head, and I tried not to scream. Tried not to scream in exasperation, I mean. The serial killer was right in front of her, wide open! Clearly, instead of weeping like a moron, she could be lunging forward and administering a swift uppercut to the chin. Then this entire pointless ordeal would be over with, and I could go home.”
Night World; Secret Vampire: "You don't love a girl because of beauty. You love her because she sings a song only you can understand.”
Night World; Daughters of Darkness: "I don't need to kill goats to say things. I can talk."
Night World; Spellbinder: "“Well two wrongs don't make a right. . . .”“But three lefts do!”
Night World; Dark Angel: “Balaam's ass,” the angel said wisely.“I beg your pardon?” For a moment Gillian thought she was being insulted.“I mean, animals can see us.”
Night World; The Chosen: “Wait here, I'm going to bonk him on the head.”
Night World; Soulmate: "Because I’m going crazy.” “Because you write notes?” the psychologist said, puzzled. “Um, poison pen letters, compulsive memo taking. . .?”
Night World; Huntress: "Rule Number One of living with humans. Always wash the blood off before coming in the house.”
Night World; Black Dawn: “That’s how I want to go. Taking my own way out . . . and totally pissing everybody off at the end.”
Night World; Witchlight: "You don’t really believe that. Unless you practice being stupid."
Vampire Academy: "I had a standing agreement with God. I'd agree to believe in him, barely, so long as he lets me sleep in on Sunday."
Frost Bite: "There's nothing worse than waiting and not knowing what'll happen to you. Your own imagination can be crueler than any captor.”
Shadow Kiss: "Yes he is. But for the next 6 weeks he's MY pain in the ass.”
Blood Promise: "Why did you come here?" "Because you hit me on the head and dragged me here.”
Spirit Bound: "He has no right to threaten my boyfriends. I'm eighteen. An adult. I don't need his help. I can threaten my boyfriends myself.”
Last Sacrifice: "Ah, my daughter,ʺ he said. ʺEighteen, and already youʹve been accused of murder, aided felons, and acquired a death count higher than most guardians will ever see.ʺ He paused. ʺI couldnʹt be prouder.”
Bloodlines: "Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection." He paused to reconsider that. "Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try."
The Golden Lilly: "Adrian ordered a martini, earning disapproving looks from his father and me. "It's barely noon," said Nathan. "I know," said Adrian. "I'm surprised I held out that long too.”
The Indigo Spell: "Do you want me to call you Celery Stick instead of Cupcake or Honey-Pie? It just doesn’t inspire the same warm and fuzzy feelings.”
The Fiery Heart: "Did you know that it's a lot harder to put organs back in the body than it is to get them out?”
Silver Shadows: "Sanity’s overrated, my darling.”
The Ruby Circle: "Am I still married to a cat?”
Gone: "We didn't make this world we're just the poor fools who are living in it.”
Hunger: "Sam, that's a great concept. And maybe you believe it. But I'm black, and I'm a lesbian, so let me tell you: From what I know? Personal experience? There are always lines.”
Lies: "Man, don't you remember taking tests in school? Multiple choice: A, B, C, D, or E, all of the above?" "Yeah?" "Dude, sometimes the answer is all of the above."
Plague: "Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?Then he is not omnipotent?Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?"
Fear: "In the land of the blind, a one eyed man is king.”
Light: "All this time, and there's still nothing on."
Eragon: “I didn't think I would ever meet a noble who wasn't corrupt. Now that I have, I find that I prefer them when they're greedy bastards. "
Eldest: "...avoid roasted cabbage, do not eat earwax, and look on the bright side of life!"
Brisingr: "You would be amazed how many magicians have died after being bitten by mad rabbits. It's far more common than you might think. "
Inheritance: "Everyone wants to eat, but no one wants to be eaten."
The Golden Compass: “That's the duty of the old," said the Librarian, "to be anxious on the behalf of the young. And the duty of the young is to scorn the anxiety of the old.'"
The Subtle Knife: “For a human being, nothing comes naturally, we have to learn everything we do.”
The Amber Spyglass: "All the history of human life has been a struggle between wisdom and stupidity.”
The Hunger Games: “Destroying things is much easier than making them.”
Catching Fire: "They can pump whatever they want into my arm but it takes more than that to keep a person going once she’s lost the will to live."
Mockingjay: “It takes ten times as long to put yourself back together as it does to fall apart.”
The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe: “If you've been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you - you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.”
Prince Caspian: "Things never happen the same way twice.”
The Voyage of the Dawn Treader: "Adventures are never fun while you're having them.”
The Silver Chair: "Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.”
The Horse and His Boy: "But one of the worst results of being a slave and being forced to do things is that when there is no one to force you any more you find you have almost lost the power of forcing yourself.”
The Magician's Nephew: "Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed."
The Last Battle: “You've no idea how good an old joke sounds when you take it out again after a rest of five or six hundred years.”
Marley and Me: "Such short little lives our pets have to spend with us, and they spend most of it waiting for us to come home each day. "
Sense8: "Okay, can we stop with the whole pregnant pausy-y thing!"
Dexter: "If you believe that God makes miracles, you have to wonder if Satan has a few up his sleeve."
Lost Girl: "My face would love to hear your theories once you're done consulting my butt."
Drake and Josh: "Stop sniffing my mail!"
Friends: "The word you're looking for is, anyways..."
Shameless: "I need the shit talking, bitch slapping, white piece of trash I fell for!"
The Suite Life of Zack and Cody: "Iiiiiii fixed it!" "What did you fix?" "Everything!" Distant Crash. "Except that."
Sherlock (BBC): "I could break every bone in your body while naming them."
Being Human (UK): "Did you just call me deadly furniture?"
Zoo: "No I just felt like saying Ah!"
Blue Bloods: "I do not consider attempted murder acting out."
How I Met Your Mother: "I have sex with my parrot all the time, that came out wrong."
The Flash: "I had a cousin got struck by lightning once, he just developed a stutter."
Legends of Tomorrow: "If it were up to me, they would revoke your pilots license." "They are more then welcome to, as I don't have one."
Prison Break: "All we need is your mouth, I will shoot out both of your knees."
Walking Dead: "Yeah, and people in hell want slurpees."
TMNT (2k3): "Mikey talks and we don't call him intelligent"
Once Upon A Time: "Everyone wants a magic solution to their problem, and everyone refuses to believe in magic."
Numb3rs: "You can contemplate silence, but you can never find it."
Avatar the Last Airbender: "Perfection and power are overrated."
Legends of Korra: "Head voices are liars!"
House: "Occam's Razor. The simplest explanation is almost always, somebody screwed up."
Teen Titans: "Just a natural part of being unnatural."
Gargoyles: "Pay a man enough, and he'll walk barefoot into Hell."
X-Men Evolution: "Worse. She's my sister..."
Bones: "Can't you just be happy that if I'm wrong about God I'll burn in hell?"
Justice League: "We both have a martians number on our speed dial, I think I deserve the benefit of the doubt."
Justice League Unlimited: "And Black Canary said a buzzsaw arrow was self indulgent."
Lost: "Thank you Lord...I take it back!"
Terra Nova: "How is the great Commander? Has he walked on water yet?"
Jericho: "Son, I’m 59 years old. I was Mayor of this town since the Carter Administration. I’m a retired U.S. Army Ranger and a combat veteran. Of course I asked your mother."
Survivors: "What religion are you?" "All religions, and none. "
Hawaii Five-O: "The scariest thing in the world is a cop who just doesn't care anymore."
Code Lyoko: "Kiwi! HEEEEEEEELP! ... Good doggie. Chew through the ropes! ... Kiwi, no! Come baaaack!"
Recess: "And if you ever tell a teacher on me again, I'll hit you so hard your clothes'll hurt!"
Green Lantern: "It takes little preparation to be a living bullet."
Rugrats: "You dumb babies, monsters are just frigments of your infactuation."
Fairly Odd Parents: "It's a girl nickel!"
Danny Phantom: "Hey, you ever been inside your stupid thermos? Compared to that it was like the Taj Mahal in there!"
Kim Possible: "This is the last straw!" "No, we have more in the back?"
Xiaolin Showdown: "What Omi just did to that sentence, is what we're going to do to you."
The Mentalist: "If he jaywalks, shoot him."
Arrow: "Bitch with Wifi."
Young Justice: "Why isn't anyone ever just whelmed?"
Dragons: Rider of Berk: "Until we figure out why Thor was angry with the metal, were walking on eggshells."
Supernatural: "You were wasted by a Teenage Mutant Ninja Angel?"
Cars: "You did what in your cup?"
Cars 2: "Tow Mater, average intelligence."
Tarzan: "What kind of primitive beasts are responsible for this mess?"
Tarzan 2: "I'm an elephant. I have 20-20 hearing."
Wreck it Ralph: "You hit a guy with glasses!"
Finding Nemo: " Me, and the next one - just a guess - me."
How to Train your Dragon: "Thank you for nothing, you stupid reptile"
How to Train your Dragon 2: "So, what should we name it? [Toothless scratches under his arm with his snout] Itchy Armpit it is."
Lilo and Stitch: " I think it might be a koala... an evil koala. I can't even pet it! It keeps staring at me, like it's gonna eat me!"
Lily and Stitch 2: "I can't believe it. My butt is in the shadow of the butt of Elvis Presley."
Atlantis: "I got your four basic food groups; Beans, Bacon, Whiskey, and Lard."
Brother Bear: " Well, gee, eh, you're one big beaver."
Brother Bear 2: "Ugh, that is the most disgusting thing I have ever smelled. Let's go check it out."
Dinosaurs: "This monster's got no teeth! What's he gonna do? Gum us to death?"
Aladdin: "Jafar, Jafar, he's our man. If he can't do it, GREAT!"
Aladdin 2: "Don't worry, Abu. He's a genie, and genies can't kill anyone. [Jafar's hands turn into dragons and spray fire all over Genie and Abu] [wheezing] But you'd be surprised what you can live through."
Monsters Inc: "Come on fight that plaque! Scary monsters don't have plaque."
Monsters University: "When you lose, no one will let you forget it."
Oliver and Company: "Isn't it rather dangerous to use one's entire vocabulary in a single sentence?"
FernGully: "Human tails? Humans don't have tails. They have big, big bottoms that they wear with bad shorts. They walk around going, "Hi, Helen."
Ratatouille: "You don't know, and you're eating it?"
The Little Mermaid: "It's hard to say. (Place's his ear to Eric's foot) Oh I can't make out a heartbeat."
The Little Mermaid 2: "I'm too old for this! A crab my age should be retired! Getting a tan! Playing sea golf! Sipping a Tuna Colada! Not babysitting another teenager."
All Dogs go to Heaven: "Kid, I'll help you find the lost city of Atlantis! Just please, please go to sleep!"
All Dogs Go to Heaven 2: " I'm not itchy" "That's funny. You look like him."
Lion King: " Oh yes, the past can hurt. But from the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."
Lion King 2: "Pumbaa, let me define BABYSITTING!"
The Emperor's New Groove: "Don't tell me, were about to go over a huge waterfall?" "Yep." "Sharp rocks at the bottom?" "Most likely." "Bring it on."
Kronk's new Groove: "You don't let a guy like Papi down, or you'll get one of these. The Cold Shoulder, the Frenzied Eyebrow, the Grimace of Doom, the Sneer of Despair, the Crippling Wince of Guilt, the Scowl of Impending Wrath, and worst of all, the Nostril Flare of Total Rejection."
The Great Mouse Detective: "Offhand I can deduce very little, Only that the words are written with a broad-tip quill pen that has spattered, twice; that the paper is of native Mongolia manufacture, no watermark; and has (smacks his lips against the paper) been gummed, if I'm very much in error [smells paper] by a bat who has been drinking Rodent's Delight, a cheap brandy served only in the seediest pubs."
The Fox and the Hound: "Darling, forever is a long, long time, and time has a way of changing things."
The Fox and the Hound 2: " I can smell its evil breath from here." "No, that's me. I had socks for lunch."
Treasure Planet: " Doctor. To muse and blabber about a treasure map in front of this particular crew, demonstrates a level of ineptitude that borders on the imbecilic! And I mean that in a very caring way."
The Jungle Book: "He's with me, ain't he? And I'll learn him all I know."
The Jungle Book 2: "Ask me if I can whup that tiger. Go on. Go on, ask me." "Can you whoop that tiger?" " I "Shere Khan."
Mulan: "Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow!"
Mulan 2: "No one should marry a person they don't love."
Hercules: "Somebody call IX II!"
Lady and the Tramp: "We are Siamese if you please. We are Siamese if you don't please."
Lady and the Tramp 2: " It's a good look for you, Buster. The garbage adds some class."
The Aristocats: "Ladies don't start fights, but they can finish them!"
Toy Story: "You idiot you're a toy"
Toy Story 2: "Use your head! [the toys use Rex as a battering ram in the next shot] But I don't wanna use my head!"
Toy Story 3: "Authority should derive from the consent of the governed, not from threat of force!"
The Road to El Dorado: "Your horse bit me in the butt!"
Spirit; Stallion of the Cimarron: "Bye-bye horsey!"
Over the Hedge: "It never ends! It never ends this way either!"
The Smurfs: "[shocked at seeing a stall of stuffed horses] OH! So that's where all the unicorns went..."
The Smurfs 2: "It doesn't matter where you came from. What matters is who you choose to be."
Chicken Run: "In the quite likely event of an emergency, put your head between your knees... and kiss your bum goodbye!"
Rise of the Guardians: "...and the Easter Kangaroo."
Ice Age: "I don't eat junk food."
Ice Age; The Meltdown: "Sure. She's tons of fun, and you're no fun at all. She completes you."
Ice Age; Dawn of the Dinosaurs: "To a guy that's like six months of therapy!"
Ice Age; Continental Drift: "When you drink water from your trunk, does it taste like boogers?"
Movies In General:
The Avengers: "Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damned sure we'll avenge it!"
Iron Man: "Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing."
Iron Man 2: "Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to exit the doughnut."
Iron Man 3: "Come on everyone grab your monkey."
Thor: "ANOTHER![throws the mug on the floor and shatters it]"
Thor; The Dark World: "Out of the two of us, which one can ACTUALLY fly? [the Harrow takes out a building] Not a word."
Captain America; The First Avenger: "I'm not kissing you."
Captain America; The Winter Soldier: "Before we get started, does anyone want to get out?"
The Incredible Hulk: "Don't make me hungry. You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry."
Guardians of the Galaxy: "You are making me kick grass!"
Ant-Man: " I think we should call the Avengers."
Avengers Age of Ultron: "Please be a secret door" Secret door opens "Yes!"
Civil War: "Give me back my Rohdy!"
Homeward Bound: "I am not! What's a genius?"
Homeward Bound 2: "You are so fat you explode your own pants!"
I Robot: "You know, somehow, "I told you so" just doesn't quite say it."
The Mummy: "Hey, Beni! Looks to me like you're on the wrong side of the river!"
The Mummy 2: "You lighten up, you big trouble, you get in the car."
The Mummy 3: "Yeah! Same mummy. Twice!"
X-Men: "Hey! It's me." " Prove it! " "You're a dick." "Okay."
X-Men 2: "Logan, my tolerance for your smoking in the mansion notwithstanding, continue smoking that in here, and you'll spend the rest of your days under the belief that you're a six-year-old girl."
X-Men The Last Stand: "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned."
X-Men Origins; Wolverine: "Okay. People are dead."
X-Men First Class: "Yes, Hank, you're still a bozo. But nice job."
The Wolverine: "[Wolverine takes a bottle to the face in a bar]Damn. That hurt. [pulls the glass from himself and pops his claws]"
X-Men Days of Future Past: "So, you always were an asshole."
Sherlock Holmes: "It's a matter of professional integrity! No girl wants to marry a doctor who can't tell if a man's dead or not!"
Sherlock Holmes; A Game of Shadows: "We are waiting, I am smoking."
Hancock: "All of you people, blocking the intersection, you're all idiots."
The Fantastic Four: "Okay, Ben. Just be strong. [Ben grabs it from him. Then slowly raises the mirror to look and see that he's totally normal] Unfortunately, the doctors just couldn't do anything to fix your face."
Fantastic Four; Rise of the Silver Surfer: "I like the part where he knocks you on your ass."
Transformers: "No, we're not. No, we're not gonna die. Trust me. He's a kick-ass driver! [Bumblebee heads towards a wall] [high-pitched scream] Oh, my God! No! We're gonna die!"
Transformers; Revenge of the Fallen: "I told them to hit the orange smoke. [looks slowly at the orange smoke a few feet to his right]"
Transformers; Dark of the Moon: "Years from now they're going to ask us: where were you when they took over the planet? We're gonna say: we stood by and watched."
Transformers; Age of Extinction: "[Bee tears off Stinger's head and feeds it to Strafe] I hate cheap knockoffs!"
Avatar: "[to his Ikran on their first flight] Shut up and fly straight!"
The Longest Yard: "I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me."
The Gridiron Gang: "You don't know how to spell 'Mustang'? You have GOT to be SHITTIN' me!"
Marley and Me; "Daddy says her name is 'whoops'!"
Miss Congeniality: "It takes a very secure man to walk like that."
The Blind Side: "A bed."
Pirates of the Caribbean; The Curse of the Black Pearl: "No, not you we named the monkey Jack."
Pirates of the Caribbean; Dead Man's Chest: "If you love two people at the same time, choose the second one. Because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn't have fallen for the second."
Pirates of the Caribbean; At World's End: "Did no one come to save me just because they missed me?"
Pirates of the Caribbean;On Strangers Tides: "I can name fingers and point names"
Spy Kids: "Our parents can't be spies, they're not cool enough!"
Spy Kids; Island of Lost Dreams: "I don't know, my watch doesn't tell time!"
Spy Kids; 3-D Game Over: "I don't mind talking to myself, but when you guys start to cut me outta the conversation. That's when it gets a little, strange!"
Spy Kids; All the Time in the World: "No one ever notices time until it's gone."
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: "Now if you don't mind I'm going to bed before either of you come up with another idea to get us killed or worse expelled."
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: "Why couldn't it be follow the butterflies?"
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban: "Oh yeah... well, Harry's got a sort of wonky cross... that's trials and suffering. And, uh, that there could be the sun, and that's happiness, so... you're gonna suffer... but you're gonna be happy about it..."
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire: "Do you think we'll ever just have a quiet year at Hogwarts?"
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: "Sorry, Professor, but I must not tell lies."
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: "Actually sir, after all these years I just sort of go with it."
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; Part 1: "Dobby never meant to kill! Dobby only meant to maim, or seriously injure!"
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows; Part 2: " Not my daughter, you bitch!"
Kangaroo Jack: "You don't take your dog on a crime spree!"
The Chronicles of Narnia;Lion, Witch, Wardrobe: "He's a beaver, he shouldn't be saying anything."
Prince Caspian: " I'm older and I don't think I want to understand..."
Voyage of the Dawn Treader: "Actually, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick."
Red Dawn: "Marines don't die, they go to hell and regroup."
Men In Black: "N-Y-P-D Nock Your Punkass Down!"
Men In Black 2: "Oh, yeah sure, How do ya take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?"
Men In Black 3: "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to."
Alien Vs Predator: "I'd rather have it and not need, then need it and not have it."
TMNT (90's Movie): "Ninja kick the damn rabbit!"
Grown Ups: "I wanna get chocolate wasted!"
Jeff Dunham: "Here we call that salsa!"
Bill Engvall: "That's why they're man's best friend, 'cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men."
Fluffy (Gabriel Iglesias): "There are six levels of fat; Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and Damn! People ask, what could be bigger then Damn? Oh Hell no!"
Brad Williams: "Bucket List!"
Ohh! My favorite kind! I live for these puppies! Beware, some may be disturbing or downright odd.
Did you know, lobsters are immortal? They will not die of old age. If a lobster is not caught or killed, it could potentially live forever.
Did you know, at 90 degrees (F) below zero [-90* F] your breath will freeze in midair and fall to the ground? (Mind you, it would more than likely be your last breath that xD)
Did you know, skunks can accurately spray their smelly fluid as far as ten feet?
Did you know, almonds are members of the peach family?
Did you know, the dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle?
Did you know, nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously? (O.o I don't want to know how someone found that out. . .)
Did you know, a 'twit' is a pregnant goldfish?
Did you know, no one knows where Mozart is buried? (. . . o.O)
Did you know, most tropical marine fish could survive in a tank filled with human blood? (And again I say . . . o.O)
Did you know, more people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes? (Remember that next time you have a choice between air travel and donkey travel)
Did you know, grapes explode when you put them in the microwave? (Kids, don't try this at home!)
Did you know, 'strengths' is the longest word in the English language with just one vowel?
Did you know, the face of a penny can hold about thirty drops of water?
Did you know, Walt Disney was afraid of mice?
Did you know, Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots?
Did you know, Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors?
Did you know, there are about eight fly legs in an average chocolate bar? (Mmm, yum. A sprinkle of protein to go with my sugar.)
Did you know, 87% of all percentages are made up? (Wait for it. Give it a minute. . . Yeah, you get it now? xD)
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot.
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself.
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else.
After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow, this stuff is great for sugar highs..."
You live off of sugar and caffeine
People think you're insane.
You'll check your email every day of the week one week, and then disappear off the face of the earth the next.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off.
People think you have A.D.D.
You think it'd be cool to have A.D.D.
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start laughing for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.
Copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions, bold the ones you are.
What It REALLY Means
"I can't find it," REALLY MEANS, "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"That's woman's work," REALLY MEANS, "It's dirty, difficult and thankless."
"Will you marry me?" REALLY MEANS, "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"It's a guy thing," REALLY MEANS, "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" REALLY MEANS, "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"It would take too long to explain, "REALLY MEANS, "I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately," REALLY MEANS, "The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late," REALLY MEANS, "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard, "REALLY MEANS, "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear," REALLY MEANS, "Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love," REALLY MEANS, "I forgot our anniversary again."
"It's really a good movie," REALLY MEANS, "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and good looking women."
"You know how bad my memory is," REALLY MEANS, "I remember the words to the theme song of "F Troop", the address of the first girl I kissed, the Vehicle Identification Number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself. It's no big deal," REALLY MEANS, "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house," REALLY MEANS, "I once threw a dirty towel near the laundry basket.
"What did I do this time?" REALLY MEANS, "What did you catch me doing?"
"She's one of the rabid feminists," REALLY MEANS, "She refused to make my coffee."
"I heard you," REALLY MEANS, "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You really look terrific in that outfit," REALLY MEANS, "Please don't try on another outfit. I'm starving."
"I missed you," REALLY MEANS, "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are," REALLY MEANS, "No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework," REALLY MEANS, "I make the messes. She cleans them up."
"I don't need to read the instructions," REALLY MEANS, "I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."
"Ladies first" REALLY MEANS, "I just want to stare at your ass"
Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dyslexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are to busy to speak to you.
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed my life.
I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other - that is until I met your mother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that bag off your face.
I love your smile, your face, your eyes, Damn I'm good at telling lies!
My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in, to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
10 reasons not to mess with a child
Reason 1 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.
Reason 2 A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
Reason 3 A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
Reason 4 One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
Reason 5 The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”
Reason 6 A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”
Reason 7 The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples."
Reason 8 After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up." "That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?" "Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."
Reason 9 A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. "How do you know what to say?" he asked. "Why, God tells me." "Oh . . . Then why do you keep crossing things out?"
Reason 10 The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me do you say prayers before eating?" "No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook."
Curiosity killed the cat but selflessness killed the dog
K.I.S.S the situation, Keep It Simple Stupid
He who throws dirt is losing ground
Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become expected?
Two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks
I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away all the W's
A true idiot climbs a glass wall to see what's on the other side
Karma is a bitch, and revenge is her sister
Reviewing your own story is like giving yourself a high five in public
According to the latest figures, 43 percent of all statistics are utterly worthless
The best website ever invented where you can post your feelings keep in touch with your friends and watch every video known to man: YouTwitFace.com
Maybe this world is another planet's hell
Don't steal. The government hates the competition
Absence makes the heart grow fonder...or forgotten
If at first you don't succeed, change the rules
Money might not make you happy, but it's a lot more fun to cry in a Porsche than on a bike
A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic
Helpful Advice: A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep
Have the courage to live. Anyone can die
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to change it every 2 months
Tell the truth and run
Smile! It makes them wonder what you're up to
Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate
Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat
Generally, generalizations are wrong
What goes around comes around and when it comes around, I hope it knocks you down, runs you over, backs up and runs you over again!!
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clocks broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won.
I have life moments where I want to pause and yell "SERIOUSLY?!"
The next person who says "It's not the heat, it's the humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact
I smile because I have no idea what's going on!
I'm allergic to bullshit
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Everyone has the right to be stupid, some people just abuse the privilege
I'm better than normal, I'm abnormal
Have you ever considered suing your brain for non-support?
Like MAMA always said: If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit!
I’m not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us
Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in you face?
Poke me. I dare you.
I reject your reality and substitute my own
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it
Add some sprinkle to your boring, icky, bland, vanilla life!
If you can't fix it with duct tape, it's not broken
A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems but it will annoy enough people to make it worth your while!
When things get bad, smile, because life is ironic and it's only going to get worse
I'm not random you just can't think as fast as me
In a dog-eat-dog world the best thing to do is become a cat
I find "good morning" a contradictory sentence
If you never succeed on the first try, never go skydiving
Never do anything that you can't explain to the paramedics
When in doubt, make up words!
I will kill you in your sleep. . . . You laugh like I'm kidding
I used all my sick days so I called in dead
You're just jealous because I'm the only one the voices talk to
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out
An idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire their work
There are three kinds of people- those who count, and those who can't
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss!
There is no 'I' in team, but there is an 'I' in PIE, and there is an 'I' in MEAT PIE and since MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
Newscasters are the people who tell you "Good evening" and then proceed to tell you why it's not
I'm not afraid of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?
When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing
I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous
4/3's of the earth's population have trouble with fractions
Eagles soar through the clouds, but at least weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
I live in my own little world. But that's okay; they know me there
Confidence is the feeling you get before you understand the situation properly
Rules are like paper clips. Meant to hold things together, fun to bend, and easy to twist out of shape
The early bird catches the worm, on the other hand, the early worm gets eaten
I love you is eight letters, so is bullshit
I'm here because heaven wouldn't take me and hell was afraid I'd take over
Having the love of your life break up with you and say, "We can still be friends," is like having your dog die, and your mom saying that we could still keep it
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care
I know it sounds like I'm in denial, but I'm not
As I said before, I never repeat myself
I'm not different, I'm weird
'Boys don't fall for me; I trip them
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
Your a great friend, but if zombies are chasing us, I'm tripping you
I did not hit you, I just high-fived your face
If you can't convince them, confuse them
My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone
Life sucks and then you die; so learn to live
Do not take life too seriously; no one gets out alive
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
If your heart was really broken you'd be dead, so shut up
I know who I am, your approval is not needed
He's so lazy that if there were work in bed, he would rather sleep on the floor
You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same
My doctor said I should quit smoking, that it was easy and he'd done it ten times
Don't make me mad... I'm known to bite at random
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep- not screaming, like the passengers in his car
Most teachers promote the three R's; Reading, 'Riting, and 'Rithmetic. Then there are those that promote three S's; Sit down, Shut up, and STOP DRIVING ME CRAZY!!
Don't you dare tell me the sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the moon
I'm multi-talented; I can talk and piss you off at the same time
Satan is an anagram for Santa
I didn't invent sarcasm, but I perfected it
If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
I don't have issues, I just have problems that make me want to punch people
When your teacher tells you to solve a problem on the board, go up there and start writing her life story
A wise man once said: "I don't know, go ask a woman"
Warning: Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
Forgive your enemies, it messes with their heads
I'm only mean to people who tell me to be nice!
Curiosity killed whoever got in my way
Note to self: It is illegal to stab people for being stupid
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
Smile. It scares people
What does not kill me had better run pretty darn fast!
When someone annoys you, it takes 42 muscles to frown, but it only takes 4 to extend your arm and whack them upside the head
Everyday I think people can't get any dumber. Everyday I'm proven horribly wrong
I don't need your attitude, I have my own
a, b, c, d, e, f, g, gummy bears are chasing me. One is green, one is blue, one is peeing on my shoe. Now I'm running for my life cause the red one has a knife!!!
yeah, I'm crazy, it runs in the family, what's your excuse
When I was younger I dressed up as a nun and went bar hopping
You know there's something wrong with you when your imaginary friends stop playing with you
I don't see plays because I can nap at home for free
Well, you know what they say: if you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me!
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood my hole life!
I have the handwriting' of a serial killer
you sound almost chipper. What happened today - you run over a small child or something?
There is no such thing as natural beauty
My boyfriends a real gentlemen, he takes the dishes out of the sink before he PEES in it!
Don't try to get on my good side, I no longer have one!
They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you stood there and yelled 'BANG' I don't think you'd kill many people
There are very few problems that can not be solved using a large amount of explosives
I write for the same reason I breathe; if I didn't I would die
I used to have superpowers but my therapist took them away
It is not enough to succeed; others must fail
You know what! Earth sucks, I’m going home
I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes I just don't show up
Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity
A rejected invention: Instant water! just add water
If you laugh I will laugh If you cry I will cry and if you jump out a window I will laugh harder
If it starts actually raining cats and dogs, don't go outside
I have a pocket comb-but then, who wants to comb pockets?
I know why people are afraid of therapist, it has the word rap and pis in it
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils
What do you call a dog with no legs? Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come
Everyone wanted him to run for Congress.They figured it was the best way to get him out of town
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died
It is amazing how nice people are to you when they know you are going away
A team effort is a lot of people doing what you say
Saying guns kill people is like blaming spelling mistakes on your pencil
Is there an afterlife? of course! people live after your life
Capitalization is important, it's the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse
(the answering machine)
Hi,this is the refrigerator, John's answering machine is broken but I'll give the message to John.Now just speak very slowly while i write down the message and stick it to myself with these little cute magnets
I'm out of my mind! but feel free to leave me a message
(end answering machine)
Come on you guys! I'm not THAT obsessed with cartoons!" (have drawings, posters, and a shirt with 'I LOVE CARTOONS!' on it)
ASSUME makes an ASS-out of-U-and-ME
did you know there are three kinds of stupid? there's ignorant, mentally retarded, and then there's you
silence is golden but duct tape is silver
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed
I hate people who go under the speed limit, if your going to break the law you might as well speed.
My doctor asked if any members of my family suffered from insanity, I replied, no, we all seem to enjoy it
Just remember, everything happens for a reason. So when I smack you upside the head, remember... I had a reason!
Whatever it is, I didn't do it. Unless I was supposed to do it, in which case I did it brilliantly
Bleach and latex gloves: $10... Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $ 20...Chainsaw: $200
Did you ever wake up in the morning and want to smack the crap out of someone for something they did in your dream?
When you feel like getting angry with someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then you're a mile away and you have their shoes
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
I want to build a life size Whack-a-Mole game, and choose 9 lucky people to put in it
Don't ever tell someone you're FINE - it stands for Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional
I think some people should come with warning labels
I know why the grass always seems greener on the other side...it's all the bullshit they use to fertilize it!!
A friend would help you up when you trip and fall. A best friend would laugh, trip you again, then laugh some more!
Next time you call in Sick to work, tell em you have SeeAss Syndrome if they ask what that is? Tell em, "I don't see my ass coming to work."
Instead of a sign that says "Do Not Disturb" I need one that says "Already Disturbed Proceed With Caution."
I don't know about you, but a highlight of my childhood was talking into the fan to hear my robot voice
I couldn't ask for better friends. I could ask for normal friends, but where's the fun in that?!
My mission is accomplished. I ran down the street, threw skittles at people, said "TASTE THE FRIKKEN RAINBOW!" so it was a good day
I am so talented I can fall up the stairs, trip on flat surfaces, and get hit by a parked car. Aren't I just amazing?
Why do people put designs on toilet paper? It's not like when they wipe their butt there gonna be like Oh my god! a flower!!
Fact of life...After Monday & Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F !!
My mom gets real mad when I say double you tea F? she thinks I'm cursing, but I'm really trying to figure out where's the fudge?
If your going to get accused of it, you might as well just do it!
sometimes I just want to run up to a stranger on the street and say 'YOU'RE IT!!' and then run away
I could never be a smart ass, but I'm a pretty good dumb ass
I wonder if anyone else has road rage when pushing a cart through the aisles at Wal-Mart?
The 12-step chocoholics program: NEVER BE MORE THAN 12 STEPS AWAY FROM CHOCOLATE!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
I have this theory that chocolate slows down the aging process...It may not be true, but do I dare take the chance?
The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience
When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear
Going to McDonald's for a salad is like asking a hooker for a hug
Bravery is the kindest word for stupidity
My Mom's so out of date, she still thinks that LOL means "Lots of love" so she texted me the other day and said "Sorry your grandma died, LOL"
I don't have a license to kill ... I have a learners permit!
He handed her 11 red roses and one fake rose, and said "I will love you until the last rose dies"
Of all the things I’ve lost… I miss my mind the most
I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind isn't a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas
Sanity? I never had such a useless thing to begin with!
Who ever said that words don't hurt never got hit by a dictionary
I have the kind of friends that if my house was burning down, they'd be there making S'mores and hitting on hot firemen
Sarcastic?! ME?! Never!
Sometimes I wonder, 'Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?'... then it hits me
I'd have a longer attention span if so many things weren't...OH! LOOK! SHIINNNY-SQUIRREL!
A best friend rides in your car no matter how many times you nearly kill them
Boys are like slinkies: stupid, but fun to watch fall down stairs
When every little girl in kindergarten wanted to be a princess, I wanted to be a vampire
Friends ask why you're crying...Best friends already have the shovel ready to bury the loser that made you cry
Girls are like phones. We love to be held and talked to but if you push the wrong button, you'll be disconnected
Sarcasm is not a free service I offer...It's a personality trait
I'm smiling. That alone should scare you
I'm that type of girl that makes the devil go "oh crap, she's up!" when my feet hit the floor in the morning
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional
What you're looking for is always in the last place you look..." Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!"
Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? I just want to know who the hell is drinking my dang soda
When life gives you lemons, Throw them back and yell "I want oranges"
If a turtle is missing its shell is it homeless or naked?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
The less you know, the less you fear, and that means I'm not scared of anything!
Life is like a movie: If you're sad, that's drama. If you're afraid, there's suspense. If you're angry, here's your action. When you look in the mirror, you got horror. Now you're smiling, that's comedy
Although fire dwells within my soul, it cannot melt the ice throughout my heart
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird
I never got my letter to Hogwarts, so I'm moving to Forks to live with the Quillites
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else
You know you're stressed out when you can hear mimes
The voices and I took a vote, and your insane
Talking to yourself is perfectly normal, we all need intelligent conversation sometimes.
(On a T-Shirt) Who are you, and why are you reading my shirt?
A conclusion is what you reach when you get tired of thinking
Of course I'm out of my mind! It's dark and scary in there!
Normal people worry me.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.
People say that I have totally lost it. I wasn't even aware I had it.
My friend text-ed me asking "what does 'idk' mean?" so I said "I don't know" and she said "omg! NO one knows!"
I'm that type of girl who walks into chairs and says sorry
I hated going to weddings cause old people would nudge me and say 'You next!'...That stopped when I started saying the same thing to them at FUNERALS
It's not that I'm not a 'people person', it's that I'm not a 'stupid people person'
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
"If all your friends were jumping off a cliff would you jump off too?" -- "If it meant that I would never hear that stupid cliche again I would be first in line."
When in doubt, push random buttons!
When you talk to God, that's religion, when God talks to you that's psychotic
It's okay to talk to inanimate objects, its when they talk back that you should be worried
You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out, yeah like that, stop it
I'm not cynical, everything just sucks
Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies
Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck
Common sense ain't all that common
Don't outsmart your common sense
Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese, and there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad, or my older brother Colin, or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you
Okay...so there's this thing called retarded-ness and me and my friends, well...We've gone pro
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops on my desk, I have a work station...
When Life gives you lemons squirt them in Life's eyes!!
When life gives you lemons...make apple juice, then laugh at the idiots who spend their lives figuring out how the bloody hell you did that
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door
I'm one of those people who could perfectly understand Jack Sparrow's confusing rants and when your friends all had confounded expressions on their faces you were like, "well duh that made perfect sense"
Being unique is thinking outside the box, reading between the lines, coloring out of pictures, dancing to the tune of your own drummer, and having a heck of a better time than other people
Conversation I heard in class: Girl: Retardo is not a word
Boy: It is in the redneck dictionary. Go look it up.
Actual Headline: Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay...so if you keep reading, you'll go broke
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?
Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
Why does Seaworld have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God...I could be eating a slow learner.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
What Happens If You Get Scared Half To Death Twice?
Actual Headline: Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
If the enemy is in range, so are you.
Murderer? Well, that's a harsh word. I prefer to think of myself as a Mortality Technician.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
What the hell do you mean my birth certificate expired?
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
I used to worry about getting my license, until I realized how many idiots there were on the roads
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election.
There is a light at the end of every tunnel. Just pray that it isn't a train.
Seen on a Church Bulletin: "Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help."
Seen On a Church Bulletin: Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs
Anything you do can get you killed, including nothing.
Actual Headline: Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
If money doesn't make us happy, then what does it do?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from many.
"When I was young I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right."
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
I never pirated it...it was donated. by the file fairy. I put a blank CD under my pillow at night..
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
Whatever it is - I didn't do it- unless I was supposed to do it- in which case I did it brilliantly.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
In the window of an Oregon general store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
I pledge allegiance to the internet and to the principle of end-to-end connectivity for which it stands. One network, under construction, with liberty and access for all.
Actual Headline: Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.
When Puerto Rico joins the union, where will they put the 51st star?
Late to bed and early to rise gives a hacker blood-shot eyes.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
A penny saved is a penny taxed.
Hay put this next to your heart...look it's getting colder!
Want to hear the best joke of all? Your Face!
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
"My dad wants to show he's not mad by taking you out hunting with him"
All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by the government in less than a second.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it weren't for other people
The worst part of having success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.
USA PATRIOT = Useless State-sponsored Action Purporting to Attack Terror while Really Initiating an Oligarchic Takeover
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking on the form of a readiness to die.
Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
It's better to be looked over, than overlooked
Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.
Outside a farm: Horse manure, pre-packed bags, $10. Or, do-it-yourself, $1.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue...
The only way to get rid of corruption in high places is to get rid of high places.
How to get out of a speeding ticket: Always carry a cooler with a big red cross on it - 'Officer, I MUST get to the hospital'
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
I am the girl that doesn't go to school dances, or games, and when I do go, I sit in a corner and read a book. I am the girl that people look through when I say something. I am the girl that spends most of her free time reading, writing, or doing other activities that most teenagers wouldn't call normal. I am the girl that people call weird and a freak either behind my back or to my face. I am the girl that doesn't spend all her time on MySpace, or talking to a girlfriend on a cell phone or regular phone. I am the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year. BUT I am also the girl who knows and is proud to be who she is, doesn’t care if people call her weird (it's a compliment), who loves reading and writing and doing the things that no one seems to have the time to do any more, who can express herself better with words than actions, who doesn't need a guy to complete her, and knows the importance of the little things.
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "where to begin?"
One bright day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight.
Back to back they faced each other,
Draw their swords and shot each other.
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for the referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "Hooray!"
A paralyzed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye.
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And ran to save the two dead boys.
And if you don't believe it's true,
Go ask the blind man, he saw it too.
If you sit in your car waiting for the song you love to be over, then leave...
If someone tells you "don't look now", but you do anyway...
If you love waking up in the middle of the night, and realizing you have more time to sleep...
If you hate waking up from a good dream and it won't come back...
If your headphones are ALWAYS tangled...
If slow computers drive you CRAZY...
If you love laughing until it hurts and you can't breathe...
If you used to blow into video games and it actually made them work...
If you use your cell phone to see in the dark...
If you can't help but find everything hilarious at 4 AM...
If you think those 5 extra minutes of sleep really make a difference...
If your fridge has NOTHING in it to eat, no matter how full it is...
If all those years you watched Blues Clues, you never realized Blue was a GIRL...
If you can't stand to hear your own voice in videos or recordings...
If you pull out your phone and pretend to text in awkward situations...
If you check behind the shower curtain for murderers before getting in...
If you love people who text back instantly...
If you stand in the shower for ages because the hot water feels soooo good...
If you really wish you could record your dreams and watch them later...
If you don't consider people who have only seen the movies to be "real" Harry Potter fans...
If you wish music played during epic moments in your life, like in movies...
If you hate getting out of the shower and it's FREEZING...
If you walk a little faster when you see a creepy van...
If you hate how the best part of your dream is always right about to happen when you wake up...
If you haven't lost it... you just... haven't found it yet...
If you and your best friend can say one word and almost die from laughing hysterically...
If you have to try SO hard not to laugh when you're getting scolded...
If you and your best friend could sit down next to each other, not say a single word, and walk away feeling as if it was the greatest conversation ever...
If you stop the microwave before it hits 0:00 to avoid hearing the loud BEEPs...
If you know because everyone's house has a different smell that yours must have one. But you still can't smell it!...
If you have to say the entire alphabet out loud because you can't remember what letter comes next...
If you get paranoid because the spider you saw five seconds ago isn't there anymore...
If you hate it when you think of a really good comeback after the argument...
If you love it when teachers get off track and tell you stories about their life...
If your favorite song always seems to come on right as you pull into your driveway...
If you mentally say "Wed-nes-day" when writing the word "Wednesday"...
If you used to climb on furniture and pretend the floor was lava...
If you want to STRANGLE that kid who reminds the teacher about homework and quizzes...
If you were first in Mario Kart, you fell off a cliff, and then you were... last...
If whenever someone says 'I like your shirt', you look down to see what you're wearing...
If you look down at your cell phone when you're walking past someone you want to avoid...
If you hate when teachers say "From all the talking, I assume everyone is done."...
If you have dropped your phone on your face while laying down texting...
If once you turn off all the lights in the basement you run the heck out of there...
If you feel like a ninja whenever you drop something and catch it...
Then you are the best kind of human there is, and we should be related
In Honor of Stupid People
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
Liquid plumber-"Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages."-(Beverages WOOO!!)
Arm and hammer scoopable cat litter-"safe to use around pets" (Are you sure?)
Endust duster-"This product is not defined flammable by the consumer products safety commission regulations. However this product can be ignited under certain circumstances." (do I really need to say anything to this one?)
Baby oil-"Keep out of reach of children." (except you know when they need it)
Dog food-"new and improved tasting" (who tests it?)
Komatsu Floodlight-"This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark" (Why did I buy it again?)
Earplugs-"These earplugs are nontoxic, but they may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe." (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
RCA television remote control-"Not dishwasher safe." (Really?)
Road sign-"Caution: water on road during rain." (Gasp!)
On a box of live worms- Warning not for human consumption. (Did someone honestly think that there gummy worms wiggled for that extra effect?)
On a bar of Dial soap- "Directions: use like regular soap" (And that would be how?)
Some Swann frozen dinners-"Serving suggestion: Defrost" (But it's just a suggestion.)
On a hair straightener: "Do not use in water." (Yes, because I always straighten my hair when I'm taking a bath.)
Tesco's dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-"Do not turn upside down" (Too late! you lose!)
Sainsbury's peanuts:"Warning: may contain nuts." (But no peas?)
American Airlines package of peanuts; "Instructions: open packet. Eat nuts." (Someone got paid big bucks to write this one...)
Candle: Warning, A burning candle is fire (so that means a lighter is a lighter to right?)
Frozen Pizza: Do not eat before cooking (but it tastes so much better that way)
Blanket from Taiwan: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado (no, use the one your grandma made instead)
Frisbee: May Contain Small Parts (but no assembly required)
Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted. (cool, is prosecuting corpses new?)
Hair Coloring: Do not use as an ice cream topping (dang, that's my favorite flavor, perky blond)
Dial Soap: Use like regular soap (???)
Puzzle: Some Assembly Required (NO, you've got to be kidding me, is that what all those little pieces are for?)
On a Sears hairdryer - Do not use while sleeping. (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos - You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought??...)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine - "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid - "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because??...)
On a Japanese food processor - "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
On a child's Superman costume - "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Korean kitchen knife- "Warning: keep out of children." (hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)
On a Swedish chainsaw - "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a pack of water balloons-Children under 8 years can choke or suffocate or broken balloons. (So if i'm older than 8 I won't choke.)
IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!
1. My mother taught me RELIGION.
2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
3. My mother taught me LOGIC.
4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
6. My mother taught t me IRONY.
7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
18. My mother taught me ESP.
19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
24. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"
If you have ever stared at a computer screen for hours and hours reading stories that people who have no lives what's so ever and have enough obsession with something to write a story about it and you are one of those people, copy and paste this into your profile
If you have ever tripped over air, copy and paste this in your profile!
Notice all these things about friends? They mean nothing when you have none.
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
FRIENDS: Will help me find my way when I'm lost
FRIENDS: Will help me learn to drive
FRIENDS: Will help me up when I fall down
FRIENDS: Will go to a concert with me
FRIENDS: Calls my parents "Mr." or "Mrs."
FRIENDS: Asks me for my number
FRIENDS: Hides me from the cops
FRIENDS: lets me make an idiot of myself in public
FRIENDS :helps you up when you fall
FRIENDS: gives you their umbrella in the rain
FRIENDS: wipes your tears when your rejected
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough
A good or best friend!
A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..." HHAHAHAHA!
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend will laugh at you and say, "Ha Ha, Loser!"
A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend won't tell anyone else that you cried...just laugh about it in private with you when you aren't down anymore.
A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend has you on speed dial.
A good friend will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A best friend will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
A good friend knows a few things about you. A best friend could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story.
A good friend tells you she knows how you feel. A best friend just sits down and cries.
None of that sissy crap. Are you tired of those 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of truths to our friendship.
1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard.
2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused, I will use little words.
7. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy butt.
This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth.
THE BOY/GIRL QUIZ
YOUR GUY SIDE:
You love hoodies.
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/stick.
Copy and paste if you love the Wolf Pack just as much as I do!
10 Things I Hate About Everyone:
2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". darn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, it can't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dummy?
10. People who start with "Did you know," if you're asking if I already knew, why are you trying to tell me?
If you want to see the world someday, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this into your profile
"Now and then, I announce 'I know you're listening' to empty rooms. If I'm wrong, no one knows, no one has to know. And if I'm right, maybe I just freaked the hell out of some secret organization." If you feel like it, copy and paste into your profile.
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile
92 percent of teenagers would die if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. Put this in your profile if you would be part of the 8 percent laughing your butt off.
Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
If you have a ridiculously long profile, copy and paste this onto your profile to make it longer
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this on your profile. (Don't all writers?)
No one's perfect. If you know and like that you're not perfect. Copy this to your profile.
If you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you don't know how to copy and past something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are or have ever been in love with a fictional character copy and paste this into our profile.
If you ever stayed up all night at least once, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you quote along with your favorite shows and love doing that, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you are getting old and you keep on loving cartoons, copy and paste it to your profile.
If you have ever wondered what the afterlife is like, copy this into your profile
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you know a video game character(s) or video game weapon(s) that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile
If you think you can be pretty without being self-centered, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.
If you have ever slapped your self on the head and/or banged your head on a table for no reason put this on your profile.
If you still like TMNT and are in double digits, paste this in your profile.
If you are called the weird one because you are seen typing fan fiction and you don't give a shit, paste this into your profile.
If you are considered Anti-Social and you like being that way, copy this into your profile.
If fanfiction shut down and you would go insane because of it, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are OBSESSED with fanfiction, copy this into your profile.
If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you ever pushed on a door that said "Pull" copy this into your profile.
If you ever pulled on a door that said "Push" copy this into your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle one of the characters for being so dumb copy and paste this to your profile.
If you ever wished that you could talk to animals, paste this into your profile.
IF YOUR AGAINST ANIMAL CRUELTY COPY THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE!!!
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever wondered if you were adopted because of your sibling, copy this into your profile
If you go crazy every time you get another comment, copy and paste this.
If you wish that people would just grow up and stop being racist, copy and paste this.
If you've ever fallen backwards in your chair, copy and paste this.
If you're obsessed with a character so much that you have dreams about meeting or fighting them, copy and paste this.
If you've ever pushed off a school project till the week before it was due and still got a good grade on it, copy and paste this
If you've ever laughed at your friend when they've done something stupid, copy and paste this.
If you've ever laughed and couldn't stop yourself from laughing for the next few minutes, copy and paste this.
If your pretty different from others copy this into your profile.
If you've ever been absolutely convinced you could fly, and nearly killed yourself jumping off of something, copy/paste this in your profile.
Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year?! If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you don't have a "clique" copy and paste this into your profile or signature.
If you've ever felt like changing your name and moving to Las Vegas, Copy and Paste this to your profile.
If you think those stupid kids should just give the rabbit the freakin' Trix, copy this into your profile
If you think the Cocoa Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile.
If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile.
If yoo cant spel too sav yoor lyfe then putt thes in yoor profiele
98% of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like donuts.
If you are the kind of person that gets really excited when you get like two reviews, copy this into your profile.
If u think rock paper scissors solves everything then put this in your pro!
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is loser cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem: my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones had winked off again. However, this time, the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation. (I am in no way religious, I just love this crap)
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't
mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the
olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer
be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed
ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling
was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!
If you could read that put it in your profil
6 Truths of Life
1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.
2. All idiots, after reading #1, will try it.
3. And discover that #1 is a lie.
4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.
5. You soon will forward this to another idiot..
6. There's still a stupid smile on your face
How to mess with your siblings:
1. Wave a gun around and say "Hey, I have a new idea"
'Never Argue With A Woman'
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after
Although not familiar
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the
What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
If you hate racism repost this
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
You know you live in the 21st century when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they don't have a screen name or my space
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did
Why America Has Some Issues...
1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America...are there handicap parking in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can get their cigarettes in the front.
4. Only in America...do people order a double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counter.
6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and then pile our junk in the garage.
7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we don't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America...do we buy hot-dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'blood-sucking creatures'.
10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
You're a 90's kid if:
-You can finish this 'ice ice _'
Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!
have you done 70 of these?
1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
wow 84 i really am a ditz
1. I need to tell you a secret.(look at #5)
X You own a cell phone.
X Black is one of your favorite colors.
X You can skateboard
X You love the computer.
X You watch/watched the Super bowl.
Total: 0/10 (wow can we say pathetic?)
X You like loud music.
Wow i am 8 Gothic, no I don't get it
A Profile Quiz
1. FIRST NAME: Aly
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My first name for my aunt, my middle name for my grandma
3. SIBLING NAMES: Jon, Joe (sometimes I feel left out cause they both start with the same letter, then mine doesn't)
4. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? not sure... it's been a while that's for sure, I don't cry easy
5. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDS? no, I'm to clumsy and drop stuff, so I blame it on them
6. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? roast beef
7. KIDS? no
8. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I'm not sure... I don't even know why my friends are my friends
9. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? yes, to write my stories in, not like a diary or anything
10. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? who doesn't?
11. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yupp
12. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? hell yea
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? reeses puffs
14. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU REMOVE THEM? never
15. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? mentally yes, physically no
16. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? mint chocolate chip
17. SHOE SIZE? 8 1/2
18. RED OR PINK? RED
19. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOU? my stretch marks
20. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? my grandpa
21. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO PUT THIS IN THERE PROFILE? go ahead! Go crazy!
22. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? blue jeans and boots
23. LAST THING YOU ATE? pork loaf, don't ask
24. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? If I Die Young, Perry the Band
25. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? green
26. FAVORITE SMELL? dark chocolate
27. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? my BFF
28. FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? what color their hair is
29. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? I copied it from someone's profile
30. FAVORITE DRINK? Big Red
31. FAVORITE SPORT? I don't like sports much so, horse racing
32. EYE COLOR? olive green
33. HAT SIZE? IDK
34. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? no
35. FAVORITE FOOD? Pizza
36. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? they're both lame
37. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIE THEATER? Ant-Man
38. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING? My birth necklace, comprised of rings on a silver chain of every important birthday. Given to me by my mother
39. SUMMER OR WINTER? summer
40. HUGS OR KISSES? can I pick neither
41. FAVORITE DESSERT? cookie dough
42. FAVORITE DESERT? The Sahara, I like the name
43. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (First name of favorite actor last word in favorite show): Robert Numbers
44. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (Middle name and current street name): Marie Edgefield
45. YOUR STAR WARS NAME (The first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of your mom's maiden name): Canalath
46. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (knock off of your favorite super hero): Shifter
47. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of your dads middle name, 1st letter of your siblings first name, last letter of your mom's middle name): Lnreejh
48. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother's middle name, father's middle name):Renee Lee
49. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets) Black Angel
50. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME (first pet's name, favorite car) Sandy Ford
51. YOUR GANGSTER NAME (a shiny object and a movement you make) Golden Fist
52. YOUR NATIVE AMERICAN NAME (favorite color, favorite animal) Green Wolf
53. NASCAR NAME (the first names of your grandfathers) Alan Marvin
57. HIPPIE NAME: (An emotion and fourth favorite color) Smooth Orange
59. WRESTLING NAME: (favorite action word, favorite game character) Smack Yoshie
61. ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET IT? I got one on the back of my head you can't see, from when my aunt dropped me on my head on concrete.
62. WHAT IS ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM? Number Paints I've done
63. DO YOU SNORE, GRIND YOUR TEETH, OR TALK IN YOUR SLEEP? I snore and breathe really loud during the winter, and toss and kick, and I'm a blanket stealer year around
64. WHAT TYPE OF MUSIC DO YOU LISTEN TO? Anything really, preferably country
65. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU WERE BORN? at night, during a full moon. :), Not sure of an exact time
66. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING RIGHT NOW? To be done with school
67. WHAT DO YOU MISS? Innocence
68. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED POSSESSION(S)? My laptop, and my birth necklace
69. HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5'3
70. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC? not really, I just don't like being too close to people I don't know.
71. DO YOU GET SCARED IN THE DARK? Not really, though I can have a hyperactive imagination after watching horror flicks so yes and no
72. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY? My dad
73. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME FOR A GIRL? gross, I don't wear that smelly crap
74. WHAT KIND OF HAIR/EYE COLOR DO YOU LIKE ON THE OPPOSITE SEX? black hair and green eyes, not necessarily together, but if he does that is hOt!
75. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF BEING PROPOSED TO? I can't... well not yet anyway
76. COFFEE OR ENERGY DRINK? Energy drink, can't stand the taste of coffee
77. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA TOPPING? Spicy Chicken
78. IF YOU COULD EAT ANYTHING RIGHT NOW, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Spaghetti
79. HAVE YOU EVER EATEN A GOLDFISH? Do I look THAT fucked up? Who the hell put this on here? To answer, HELL NO!
80. WHAT WAS THE FIRST MEANINGFUL GIFT YOU'VE EVER RECEIVED? My mom bought me my first chapter book, aka Harry Potter and the Sorcerers/Philosophers Stone
81. DO YOU LIKE ANYBODY? can't decide yet
82. ARE YOU DOUBLE JOINTED? No, but my lil bro is, and he shows off.
83. FAVORITE CLOTHING BRAND? American Eagle
84. DO YOU HAVE A PET RIGHT NOW? Yes
85. WHAT KIND IS IT? a chihuahua/rat terrier named Cowboy
86. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING THAT THE PERSON IS LEAVING? I don't think you really get a choice
87. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL SOMEONE HOW MUCH THEY MEAN TO YOU? Face to face.
88. TYPE A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A HUNDRED: 33
89. BLONDES OR BRUNETTES? Blonds have more fun ;)
90. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL MOST OFTEN? My mom
91. WHAT ANNOYS YOU MOST? the sound of a cricket
92. HAVE YOU BEEN OUT OF THE USA? yep, went to Mexico once for a week
93. YOUR WEAKNESSES?A really good book
94. MET ANYONE FAMOUS? Yep, got Kevin Fowler to sign a CD!
95. FIRST JOB? Cashier at Taco Casa
96. EVER DONE A PRANK CALL? Hell yes. *wicked grin*
97. DO YOU SWEAR? frequently
98. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE FILLING THIS OUT? reading
99. HAVE YOU EVER HAD SURGERY? Nope
100. WHAT DO YOU GET COMPLIMENTED ABOUT MOST? my imagination
101. HAVE YOU EVER HAD BRACES? No
102. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY? books
103. HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU WANT? One
104. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Sometimes
105. WHAT KIND OF SHAMPOO DO YOU USE? It varies, whatever is in the bathroom
106. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? not really, it smashes together so it's hard to read later
107. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAT? what a weird question, but I suppose fish
108. ANY BAD HABITS? I can't stop myself from talking when the situation doesn't really call for it
109. WHAT CD ARE YOU MOST EMBARRASSED TO HAVE ON YOUR SHELF? A CD by Little Wain, my bro gave it to me and it would hurt his feelings if I tossed it, but I only like one song
110. DO LOOKS MATTER? there's a time and place
111. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Reading, someone's life is always worse than mine in books
112. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? My grandma's place
113. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? My blue stuffed elephant Peanut, I still have him
114. HOW MANY NUMBERS ARE IN YOUR CELL PHONE? 40
115. WERE YOU A FAN OF BARNEY AS A KID? Yes unfortunately but now I wonder how the hell I was. It all seems so lame and stupid now.
116. MASHED POTATOES OR MACARONI AND CHEESE? Macaroni and cheese, but I'd mix them together if I had the chance
117. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? He needs to be smart, humorous, witty and not a pedo
118. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Lee Lee (a good friend call me that), Leash (my cousins think they're so funny), Butterfly (I'm an apprentice now :) and Sea Sha when my brother's want something
119. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE BAND/SINGER? Bands: Rascal Flatts and Sugarland/ Singer Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood and Nicki Minaj
120. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOWS? Numb3rs (pity it's done) Bones and The Finder
121. WHAT WAS YOUR ACT SAT SCORE? will never be forced to take them
122. DO YOU HAVE ALL YOUR FINGERS AND TOES? Last time I checked
123. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WORKED OUT? ...please don't make me answer that
124. DID YOU NOTICE THAT THERE WAS NO #64? Actually there is. Why? are you trying to be funny?
125. WHAT'S THE FASTEST YOU HAVE GONE IN A CAR? I pushed 95 mph once, and I was in the car when my mom did 120mph
126. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS? Yes I suppose
127. FAVORITE THOUGHT PROVOKING SONG? Dogs by Carrie Underwood
128. FAVORITE THING TO HATE? Pink, the color not the singer
129. FAVORITE MONTH OF THE YEAR? July
130. FAVORITE ZODIAC SIGN? Sagittarius
131. WHAT IS YOUR HAIR COLOR? Blondish Brown or Brownish Blond, not sure which
132. FAVORITE FAST FOOD RESTAURANT? Taco Casa
133. YOU LIKE SUSHI? er no
134. LAST THING YOU WATCHED? Eragon
135. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? December 25th
136. PLAY ANY MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS? no
137. REPUBLICAN OR DEMOCRAT? Dunno
138. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? never had neither, so I can't honestly answer
139. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU BOUGHT? Book
140. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU HAVE? none; I wish it was Ninja Kawasaki
141. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING? Eragon
142. DESCRIBE YOUR LOVE LIFE: Non Existent
143. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? Nah
144. DO YOU HAVE ANY PHOBIAS? None that I know of.
145. ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO ANYTHING? I'm happy to say no to this
146. IF Y0U WERE A MUTANT, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR POWER? I don't think anyone honestly knows but I would love to be a shapeshifter like Mystique off of X-Men
147. DID YOU STEAL ANSWERS FROM OTHERS PROFILE? Some, but only the one's I agreed with, everything on this is true
148. DID YOU FIND SOME OF THESE QUESTIONS ODD? Most of them, yes
149. DO YOU FORESEE YOURSELF GOING BACK AND CHANGING THESE ANSWERS AFTER TIME? Yes, as you age your answers would most likely change
150. DO YOU THINK MORE QUESTIONS SHOULD BE ADDED TO THIS? No, 150 is enough
51 Fun Things To Do At Wal-Mar
Repost this if you laughed...
Girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of brake failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love
Dear (the last person you talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but 1 . I think I realized it 2 3 and I saw you 4 5 . I'm sure you're 6 enough to understand 7 . I'm returning 8 to you, but I'll keep 9 as a memory. You should also know that I 10 11 .
1. What's the color of your shirt?
2. Which is your birth month?
3. Which food do you prefer?
4. What's the color of your socks?
5. What's the color of your underwear?
6. What do you prefer to watch on TV?
7. Your mood right now?
8. What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
9. The first letter of your first name?
10. The last letter in your last name?
11. What do you prefer to drink?
12. To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
My sentence turned out as
I don't really know how to tell you this, but you're a pervert. I think I realized it when I changed tennis shoes in your camping car and I saw you carve your initials into my father. I'm sure you're scarred enough to understand that Extreme Home Makeover sucks. I'm returning your love letters to you, but I'll keep your photo as a memory. You should also know that I will tell the authorities about your incarceration as an Eskimo.
Greetings to your frog Leonardo,
1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
makeup." Her lips curled weirdly as she gave the crescent moon: Marked by P.C. Cast
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you reach?
My cousin sitting on my foot
3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Wizards of Waverly Place
4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
5. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
my little cousins game
7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
twenty minutes ago, IN FREAKING ICE, to go get my uncles lighter
8. Before you started this survey, what did you look at?
if any of my stories were updated
9. What are you wearing?
jeans a t-shirt and my thickest jacket
10. Did you dream last night?
yes, trust me you don't want to know
11. When did you last laugh?
five minutes ago when I took that weird letter above
12. What are on the walls of the room you are in?
the poster that I drew and colored
13. Seen anything weird lately?
yes... I just went and looked in a mirror
14. What do you think of this quiz?
15. What is the last film you saw?
16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy.
a house a dog and I'd publish my books
17. Tell me something about you that I don't know about.
I look nothing like my siblings
18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
I'd stop animal abuse, no animal shall ever suffer any form of cruelty ever again
19. Do you like to dance?
20. George Bush:
Was the president of the U.S. for a while?
21. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
Atria; Ati or Ava
22. Imagine your first child is a boy, what do you call him?
Colton; my bear cub or Mathew; Matty
23. Have any tattoos or body piercings?
Yep, my ears are double pierced, my right cartilage is pierced, and I have a tattoo around my ankle
24. Would you ever consider living abroad?
25. What do you think God would say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
Holy shit I can't believe you got in this far!
The Stupid Test! (Put an x next to the one that is you, than in the end, add up all of the x's. if you have 21 or less, than you are not stupid.)
(x) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.
(x) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were not talking.
(x) You have run into a glass/screen door.
( ) You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.
(X ) You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.
(x) You have run into a tree.
( ) It IS possible to lick your elbow
(X ) You just tried to lick your elbow.
(x) You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star have the same rhythm.
(x) You just tried to sing them.
(X ) You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.
( X) You have choked on your own spit.
( ) You have seen the the Matrix and still don’t get it.
(x) You didn’t notice that in the last question “the” was spelled twice
(x) You just looked at it.
(X ) Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde/has blonde in it.
(X ) People have called you slow.
( x) You have accidentally caught something on fire
( X) You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes/cheek.
( ) You have caught yourself drooling.
( ) You’ve fallen asleep in class
( X) If someone says “fart” you laugh.
(X ) You just laughed.
(x) Sometimes you just stop thinking
(x) You tell a story and forget what you were talking about
( ) People are often shaking their heads and walking away from you
( ) You are often told to use your “inside voice”.
(X ) You use your fingers to do simple math.
( ) You have eaten a bug.
(x) You are taking this test when you should be doing something important
(x) You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it
(x) You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand, pocket, head, etc.
( ) You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don’t even when you know it won’t happen to you.
( X) You break a lot of things.
( ) Your friends know not to use big words around you
(x) You sometimes tilt your head when you’re confused
(x) You have fallen out of your chair before
(x) When you’re lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling
28 umm should I be worried by now?
What NASCAR really is:
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
Stupid Questions that need to be answered!
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Is it illegal to expose yourself to a blind person?
Why is it called a building when its already built?
If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
When something is shipped by ship it's called cargo, but when something is shipped by car it's called shipment...
If love is blind, then why is lingerie so popular?
Why is impediment so hard to say when used to describe someone who has a hard time talking?
If olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Top 71 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator
1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
4. Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
5. Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
6. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
8. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
9. Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
15. Swat at flies that don't exist.
16. Tell people that you can see their aura.
17. Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
25. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"
27. Put police tape in front of the door before entering.
28. Hold an auction.
29. Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.
30. Ask every passenger coming if you can borrow a tampon. Especially effective if victim is male. Even more effective if you yourself are male.
31. Throw a rave.
32. Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."
33. Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".
34. Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.
35. Have a heated debate with yourself.
36. Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.
37. Drum on every available surface.
38. Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.
39. Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.
40. Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friend. Use the same name for all of them.
41. Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.
42. Propose to the other passengers.
43. Challenge people to duels.
44. Sell girl scout cookies.
45. Bring a large pile of ice. Build an igloo on the floor.
46. Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."
47. Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.
48. Stick your tongue out. Act like it's a cigarette, and ask someone for a lighter.
49. Pitch a tent on the floor, and"camp out" for the weekend.
50. Play "I've got your nose" with the other passengers.
51. Shout "Food fight!"
52. Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"
53. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
54. Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.
55. Elevators were practically MADE for riverdance!
56. Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"
57. Make sushi.
59. Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.
60. Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.
61. Practice your kung fu.
62. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
63. Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"
64. Fly a model airplane.
65. Do yoga.
66. Play the accordion
67. Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.
68. Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.
69. Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.
70. Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."
71. Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word
20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the
8. Don't use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work, when leaving workspace pretend to swat at nonexistence flies.
14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their
16. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Smack Yoshie
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity . . . e-mail this to someone to make them smile and laugh. Its called therapy
SEE? THIS IS WHY YOU MEN SHOULDN'T USE PICKUP LINES :D
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes, they're amazing.
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
The Review Revolution...
Even if the fic has 10,002,464 reviews already...
Even if the fic is older than time itself...
Even if it was abandoned a loooooooooooooooooooooong time ago...
Even if the author turned out to be a total psychopath...
Even if the OC is a Sue and the spelling would make a dictionary cry...
I will review every fic I read. What goes around comes around, and more people will review my own fics. I have joined Review Revolution.
Quotes from my favorite story's here on FanFic.net:
Puppy Trouble: Chapter 6; "You do NOT pull tails, it's not right!"by Beater 101
10 Ways to Annoy Twilight Characters: Chapter 1; "2: Buy him a dog. Name it Jacob."= by Patronus Charm
How to Tell the Difference; "I was just thinking that because his water just broke all over your bed..."= by Tori Angeli
Splinter's Rules for the Lair: Chapter 3; "57. There is no such thing as a god of pizza and you are not allowed to sacrifice any of your siblings, friends, Purple Dragons, or members of the Foot Clan to it."= by inuficcrzy
April's Diary: Chapter 68; "I had to say,"Poor little Spike, Banana and Ninja don't have a mother." Mikey named his kids while he was in the bathroom" = by Connie Nervegas
The Great Coffee Bean War; "or as Mikey liked to call it, "oh-my-god-we're-trapped-in-here-with-whatever-crawled-into-Raph's-toes-and-died!""= by terrapintarts
Generic Exaggeration: Chapter 2; "Then Slade returned from hell, somehow. Maybe he had a shovel and dug himself out. I dunno. The point is he got out."= by Amethyst Turtle
An Agonizing Secret; " I feel like I ran a marathon—then got run over by a truck at the finish line."= by multicoloredmango
Catch Me If You Can: Chapter 1; " A very angry homeless dude with a sniper rifle?" = by AlexHamato
Jersey Slip: Chapter 15; "Simple as a monkey on coke trying to figure out a rubik's cube."= by WofOZ
Lithium Hawkeye: Chapter 10; "Probably not, you'd be wearing armor. I'd look like an idiot."= by PeechTao
Of Flowers and Things: Chapter 64; "It's so fluffy I'm gonna die!"= by Mystic Medjai
No Place Like Home: Chapter 1; "A man who treasures trash has shitty taste." = by Growliere
Murphy's Law by ShyLight;
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think
Murphy's Third Law: in any field of endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility that several things can go wrong, then the one that will cause the greatest damage will be the one to go wrong
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything absolutely can NOT go wrong, it will anyway
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse
Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something
Murphy's Ninth Law: Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's when it will occur
"Proof of Murphy's Law: Murphy's Law cannot be proven, yet is correct, as when you try to prove Murphy's Law, you will see that the proof is incorrect. This is obviously due to Murphy's Law; therefore Murphy's Law is correct and proven."
All of the above quotes are copy and pasted directly from above labels of stories, I claim no help or infringement of these stories nor in any way helped with them!!!
Animals are living and deserve respect! If you believe that if it can cry, coo, love, hate, hurt, mourn, and long for acceptance it should not be ill treated, then show it! Give those of inhuman tongue a voice, too!
YES MY PROFILE IS RIDICULOUSLY LONG, I HAVE A LOT OF FREE TIME, NO LIFE, AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT!!! :)