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Author has written 1 story for Alice in Wonderland, 2010.
HI!Like my username says, I am a book luver. Don't expect me to write any stories though, because I'm pretty sure I won't be writing any for a LONG time. Just created this account to keep track of all the stories I read, which is A LOT! People should go to my account to only look for stories that I think you should read. I guess you could call me a story reviewer. Just so you know, I AM A GIRL! I haven't seen many boys who go on fanfiction.net.
Currently, I have discovered the awesomeness that is DamonxBella. I love this couple. *pokes Damon* Although JasperxBella is still as awesome as ever.
Sex:You know, when I first saw this on my report card and saw that I had an 'F', I thought 'Yes! I failed sex! I didn't have sex' Now as an afterthought, if I was right that sex standed for sex, how would they know we had sex? Hmmm...
Eyes:I'd like to say that they are a chocolate brown. But then there are some days that my pupil appears so large they swallow the brown, but it's actually my eyes that turn really dark. Then there are days my eyes just look like brown water. Eye color=Shifty brown
Hair:Long,black,shiny, and stick straight. Almost goes to my waist if I don't decide to cut it, or my mom decides to drag me out and trim it. One of my best qualities if I do say so myself.
Height:5'2 according to that measure tape, 5'3 according to some woman, and 5'4 according to the doctor...just waiting for a 5'5 to come in
Weight:Drop dead. Because you can't get me on that Simon and Pier-make-fun-of-my-weight thing!
And now for some entertainment. *whistles badly*
THE STORY OF JACK SCHITT
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O Schitt, the owner of Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc. In turn, Jack married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' wishes, Deep Schit married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then know as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout their childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the "Schitt-Happens" wedding. The children of the Schitt-Happens are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left the home to tour the world, and recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!", you can correct them.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
Things to do in Walmart:
1.Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
2.Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.
3.Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"
4.Make a trail of tomato juice on the ground, leading to the girls restrooms
5.Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, I think we've got a Code 3 in House wares," and see what happens.
6.While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"
7.Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area
8.Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
9.When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
10.Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
11.While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
12.Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
13.Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14.When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..."NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15.Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16.Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "go, pikachu, go!"
17.Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
18.Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles
19.Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
20.Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they don't realize it.
21. Throw skittles at people and yell, "Taste the rainbow, bitch!"
22. Go the toy section, get a light-saber and start challenging people to a Jedi match.
23. Follow a random person and if they turn and ask "why are you following me", yell "No I won't have sex with you!"
42 Things to do in an Elevator
1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Man: Can I have your name?
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: I know how to please a Woman.
Man: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!
Man: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Man: Have we met before?
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On a Korean kitchen knife:
On a string of Christmas lights:
On a food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume:
This is a list of all the stupid warnings on the products most of us use daily.
1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children
4. Candle: Warning: A burning candle is fire
5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking
6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado
7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts
8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children
9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping
13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
He Said: I don't know why you wear a bra, you have nothing to put in it.
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marsh mellows and flirting with the firemen.
Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
I smile because I have no idea what's going on!
I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends.
Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
People who say anything's possible haven't tried to slam a revolving door.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!
There is no "I" in team but there is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
Be a loser! Because being cool is so overrated!
It's always the last place you look...of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
All the good guys are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books.
Everything here is eatable. Even I'm eatable, my dear children, but that is called cannibalism and is frowned upon in most societies.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
If two wrongs dont make a right, try three.
Borrow money from pessimists- they dont expect to get it back!
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.
I'm not paranoid...WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. Success = Failure!
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Guns don’t kill people. Bullets kill people. I mean, DUH!
When life hands you lemons, chuck 'em back at the guy who was demented enough to give them to you.
Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging from a cellphone wire
Only if you want to laugh your A off, read this, but if not, JUST READ IT!!
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why is their Braille on the drive up ATM machine??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why do we park in the driveway and drive on the park way?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Have you ever been captured by evil squirrels and taken to their secret squirrel hideout, but rescued by your vampire love, who ran around with a machine gun shouting die squirrels, die?
Are you ever worried about the fact that your stalker isn't stalking anymore?
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
If you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window!
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear brighter before you hear them speak?
Why does an 'X' stand for kiss?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate? I mean DUH!
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your pee is hotter when you use the restroom?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
Funny Sayings That I Love and You Will Too!!!
If you don't know what to write in a story, kill a character off!
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
I'm not so good at advice, can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
There are three kinds of people in the world: those who can count, and those who can't.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in a large group
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came along and they all committed suicide.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
I'm not random, I just have many tho- OH LOOK! A BIRDIE!
When life gives you lemons, make apple juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I will kill you in your sleep. . . . You laugh like I'm kidding.
I don’t suffer from insanity . . . I enjoy every minute of it.
I know hate is a strong word. That's why I'm using it.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but three rights make a left.
If you're reading this - - OH NO! THERE'S A fLY BEHIND YOU!! Ha ha, you looked, didn't you? In your dreams!
I am a Fruit Loop in a world full of Cheerios.
Family is like fudge; mostly sweet with a few nuts mixed in.
I'm not afraid of Death. What's he going to do, kill me?
Remember, it takes forty-two muscles to frown, twenty-eight to smile, but hey, it only takes four to reach out and to punch someone.
If it wasn't for physics and the law, heck, I'd be unstoppable.
Music is like candy- you throw away the wrappers.
If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball?
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers. (Don't let this happen to you!)
Legit. . . . Because we're too cool to say legitimate.
I find it ironic that the musical term for "slow down" is ritardando.
They say that a team is only as good as its worst player. Sucks for my team.
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't a clue as to where thousands of Illegal immigrants and Terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration!
"We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box."
When people don't laugh at our jokes we don't think of it as a "You had to be there." type of thing. But more like a "You have to be mentally retarded like us." type of thing
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
When a guy tells u “girl, you must be a thief because you just stole my heart” reply by kindly telling him “I only steal valuable things”
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Take Time To Read Each Sentence
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is retard cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is forty cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now read the THIRD word of ever line.
13 things PMS Stands for:
13. Pass My Shotgun