Author has written 1 story for Inuyasha.
For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I promise to remember Bella
What a Boyfriend SHOULD do:
When she walks away from you mad
When she stares at your mouth
When she pushes you or hits you
When she starts cussing at you
When she's quiet
When she ignores you
When she pulls away
When you see her at her worst
When you see her start crying
When you see her walking
When she's scared
When she lays her head on your shoulder
When she steals your favorite hat
When she teases you
When she doesn't answer for a long time
When she looks at you with doubt
When she says that she likes you
When she grabs at your hands
When she bumps into you
When she tells you a secret
When she looks at you in your eyes
When she misses you
When you break her heart
When she says its over
When she repost this bulletin
Stay on the phone with her even if she's not saying anything.-
When she says she's ok don't believe it, talk with her- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you-
Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her-
Treat her like she's all that matters to you.-
Tease her and let her tease you back.-
Stay up all night with her when she's sick.-
Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.-
Give her the world.-
Let her wear your clothes.-
When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.-
Let her know she's important.-
Kiss her in the pouring rain.-
When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is;
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
FRIENDS: Helps you up when you fall.
FRIENDS: Helps you find your prince.
FRIENDS: Will ask you if you're okay when you're crying.
FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
FRIENDS: Would read ignore this.
If you think Alec and Jane are cool, copy and paste this onto your profile.
Copy the bunny onto your profile to help him achieve world domination. Come join the dark side. (We have cookies!!!)
Random things you can do IN WALMART!
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental
Please select from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn
WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
Six Truths Of Life
1. You cannot touch all of your teeth with your tongue
2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, try it
3.The first truth is a lie
4. You're smiling now because you are an idiot
5. You soon will forward this on to another idiot
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face
Now send this to another idiot to fall for if you fell for it and I now you did.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
I'm not a complete idiot --Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Warning: Trespassers will be shot
Warning: Survivors will be shot again.
It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
You say you dislike me, but deep down, you know you hate me.
That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.
I'm not tense. I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.
If you don't like my driving then stay off the sidewalk!
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Don’t play dumb with me, I'll always win.
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you.
There are two ways to argue with a woman. Neither one works.
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door. ..
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes..
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ...coincidence?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
STRESSED? You think I look stressed! I'm gonna KILL the next person who says I look stressed!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
Never argue with an idiot, they'll bring you to their level then beat you with experience.
I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have!
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
Take Time To Read Each Sentence
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now read the THIRD word of every line. XD
Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts:
1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office.
3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar.
6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination.
7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after me lucky charms."
8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.
9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month."
10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.
12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force."
13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
14) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.
21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort.
22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eye-full."
25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell.
26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate.
27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bees."
29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
30) I will not go to class skyclad.
31) I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "Told you I was Hard Core."
32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
34) I will not start every potion's class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion.
35) I will not call the Weasley twins, "bookends."
36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends."
37) I will not call the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts.
40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"
41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck.
42) I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
43) I will not lick Trevor.
44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey."
45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween.
46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.
47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice.
50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
TISS SUCH A SHAME I CANNOT DO ALL THAT THOUGH..
REASONS WHY GIRLS ARE THE BEST!!!:
1.We got off the Titanic first
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We can repost this, and NOT be gay.
Things you Would Never Know Without Movies
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone or something will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a sports stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption and/or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds ... unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
I AM IN SIRIUS DENIAL! SIRIUS IS NOT DEAD! AND I WILL NOT LET YOU SAY OTHERWISE! If you too are in Sirius denial then copy and paste this into your profile. Because Denial is not just a river in Egypt
If EDWARD CULLEN said to stop breathing, 99 percent of girls currently on the face of the earth would be dead. Put this on your profile if you'd be the one percent still alive because you'd be saying you were just "uncomfortable", and you were a VAMPIRE!!
When life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Edward's One True Love, Esme's Favorite Daughter, pirate-princess1, Desi-Pari Always,waterflower20,bieberXsterekXkagomaruXwolf
AV is Addicted to Vampires
The electric chair was invented by a dentist. If you are scared now more than ever of dentists by learning this fact, put this on your profile.
Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling, telling him he'll die in seven days.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
Well, im a pacifist, but when the revolution comes, I'll destroy all of you... except you joey
Joey ate my last stick of gum. So I killed him... do you think that was wrong?
If you're gonna be two-faced, sweetie at least make one of them pretty.
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
I run with scissors; it makes me feel dangerous.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today; it's already tomorrow in Australia.
They say "guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the gun helps, cuz if you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
What's the point of having a giant paper clip if you won't use it for world domination?
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths
yeah, Im a loser. but the coolest loser you'll ever meet
cute but psycho. things even out
save the earth. it's the only planet with chocolate.
your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend
tell the truth and run
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends
ever noticed that 'mother in law' rearanged, spelles 'woman hitler'?
i live in my own little world. but it's ok, they know me there
Boys are like slinkys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
between two evils, i always pick the one I've never tried
shit happens. but mostly to me, so dont worry
shut up voices! or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again!
whoever said nothings impossible, never tried skydiving without a parachute. or maybe they did. I mean we never really met whoever said it, did we?
i talk to myself because my answers are the only ones i accept!
why get high when there are other ways to achieve a smug sence of superiority- sarcasm: the ultimate anti-drug
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
life is all about ass. everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one.
why do people always say life is short. life is the longest damn thing you can do.
I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! but not my brain. I need that
you cry, i cry. you laugh, i laugh. you jump of a cliff, i laugh even harder
No I won't go to hell! it has a restraining order against me
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
'it's always the last place you look'. well of course it is! why the heck would I keep looking after I found it!
"When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it."
Come join the dark side. (We have the Cullens)
If you know there's more to good random humor than saying "cheese", "fudge", or "pie", copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think you have too many of these "copy and paste this into your profile" thingies, but have no intention of stopping now, copy and paste this into your profile.
I like eggs. Tigers are pretty. People call me crazy, but I'm just random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile
When you fall: A friend helps you up; a best friend keeps walking and says,"Walk much dumbass?"
When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eyes.
Everyone has a wild side-me and my friends just prefer to make them public
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have
Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.
Why are the Force and ductape the same?-Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.
--They Walk Among Us!--
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
--They walk amongst us!--
One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted...
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
--They walk among us!--
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
Which is designed to cut through a seat belt
If she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
--They Walk Among Us!--
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
When we overheard an admin girl talking about the
Sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
She 'didn't think she’d get sunburned
Because the car was moving’.
--They Walk Among Us!--
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip
Out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear
Remain the same distance apart no
Matter which way the head is turned...
--They Walk Among Us!--
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
Because she was a trained professional and
Said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
--They Walk Among Us!--
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
Into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
Then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
Enough to eat 6 pieces.
--They Walk Among Us!--
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track...’
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
--Sadly, they walk among us!--
A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result. He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt...
--You can't fix stupid.--
Neville: OMG I JUST KILLED HARRY 'FREAKIN' POTTER!
SOMEWHERE IN DISTANCE
Voldemort: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I wanted to do it!! *SOBS*
Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is.
Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’.
Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever.
Professor Moody … the best ‘teaching’ Hoqwarts has seen in a while.
Professor McGonagall … does not take herself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell her.
Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’.
Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy.
Draco Malfoy … disagrees.
Hermione Granger … has PMS and a wand.
Ron Weasley … is very afraid.
Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thanks very much.
Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.
Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.
George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry.
Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter.
James Potter … doesn't believe her.
Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’.
Sirius Black … killed by drapery.
Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggleborn – screw the consequences.
Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane.
Narcissa Black … would like a new hairbrush.
Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence.
Gryffindors … will jump off a cliff.
Slytherins … will push someone else off.
Hufflepuffs… will call five hundred others and build a staircase.
Ravenclaws … will get hold of a flying carpet.
So You Want To Be A Death Eater: Your Guide To Everything Evil!
Greetings, new follower:
If you are reading this letter then you have doubtless been accepted into the select band of professional wizards known as the Death Eaters. If by some unprecedented chance you are reading this and you have not been accepted into the Death Eaters then I suggest you put down this letter and leave now, or the consequences for you will be as terrible as my lifelong study into the Dark Arts can make them.
Please find enclosed a short introductory guide to Death Eating, which you must memorise and then eat, to prevent security leaks. (Due to an unfortunate fatality last week, it is now permitted to cut the guide into small pieces before swallowing).
The next meeting is scheduled for midnight, 11th June, when I trust we will have the pleasure of watching your initiation ceremony. Please remember to bring a clean handsaw and enough twine. It's so distressing when people don't prepare for these events properly.
Yours in infamy,
So You Want To Be A Death Eater?
Welcome to this helpful guide to being a Death Eater. This leaflet should provide you with all the information you need to become a successful servant to the Dark Lord. It will if you know what's good for you. Please read every page before eating.
List of Equipment required for new Death Eaters:
(Equipment marked must be obtained from Messers. Gorgon & Black Limited, outfitters to the intensely evil and terminally stylish since 12 BC. Their premises are on Knockturn Alley, but they now do mail order as well.)
Long Black Robes (Casual)
Cane (For favored members only. Unauthorized possession of a cane will result in a heavy fine. Before possessing cane, it is necessary to pass a rigorous series of tests to ascertain that your carrying-a-cane-in-a-nonchalant-yet-evil-fashion skills are up to scratch).
Death Eater may also own snake or dragon or hippogriff. But only Lord Voldemort may possess a basilisk.
Death Eater Rules:
No Death Eater shall be a spy for Dumbledore.
Frequently Asked Questions:
What happens if Voldemort is displeased with me?
As this is a fairly run (and currently short-staffed) organization, you will probably receive a warning. And some soul-destroying torture. A second offense and you will probably die a slow death. Options include:
Being slowly eaten by a manticore.
What should I do if I decide to leave the organization?
Make your funeral arrangements as quickly as possible.
What is the salary like?
You should be in this job for the principle of the thing, not for sordid reasons. So let's just say that it's much, much better than they pay at the Ministry. There will also be opportunities for pillage, looting, theft, etc., and Christmas bonuses are guaranteed.
Does the Dark Mark hurt?
Of course it does; this is an evil society after all. What are you, a wimp?
Can the Dark Mark be removed by laser treatment?
No. Only a moron would ask such a stupid question.
But it can be temporarily obscured by a good-quality concealer. (Make sure it's a shade darker than your skin tone, as a lighter shade will simply draw attention to the tattoo. Pat translucent powder over the concealer to make it last longer.)
Is there a retirement age for Death Eaters?
You probably won't live long enough to have to deal with this problem.
Can I kill personal enemies or just opponents of Voldemort?
Murder is encouraged on principle; however, personal killings should be reserved for each individual Death Eater's free time, as obviously serving Lord Voldemort is much more important. Occasional massacre outings/ dark revels may take place as rewards for good (i.e. bad) behavior.
What should I do if Voldemort is defeated at the height of his powers by a one-year-old boy?
This circumstance is so unlikely that there is no point devising a protocol to deal with it.
The Death Eater Anthem
(To be memorised by each new recruit as soon as possible). Please note that this tune should never, never, never, never be sung to the tune of "Blackadder," an inane Muggle television program to which we are completely oblivious and never watch. Honestly.
Who lurk beneath the undergrowth?
Being a Death Eater is naturally a dangerous job. Lord Voldemort accepts no liability for any pain/suffering/torture/impalement/loss of limbs/grievous bodily harm/disintegration/insanity/imprisonment/loss of soul/death which you may experience while in his service. No good will come of any attempts to sue him as a negligent employer. Trust us.
However, in order to protect members, these safety guidelines have been developed for Death Eaters both during leisure time and on missions for the Dark Lord:
Don't try to take out Harry Potter yourself. It is extremely presumptuous. Leave it to Lord Voldemort, who has much more practice.
Employ masterly deceit to conceal your allegiance to the Dark Lord: e.g., if someone accuses you of being a Death Eater, laugh carelessly and say: "No, I am not a Death Eater. Would you like a cup of tea?" This Machiavellian trickery should be enough to convince them.
If this does not convince your accuser, have them discreetly murdered. (Sussex and Fox Ltd, of 13, Knockturn Alley, run a very efficient assassination service and are currently offering cut-price deals for friends and associates of the Dark Lord. Present your membership card at the counter for further details.)
Keep your wand on you at all times, even if you are asleep/on a hot date/in the bath/on the beach/wearing very tight-fitting leather garments (or all of these at once).
Ostentatious indicators of evil, such as manic laughter/dressing entirely in black swooshy robes (Snape, this means you)/ making sinister comments/killing people should be practiced only in private.
If you suspect someone of being a spy, kill them and their family at the first opportunity. If it turns out they were not a spy at all, pass it off as a light-hearted practical joke.
Only eat food prepared by yourself or your faithful minions. Do not trust your spouse(s)/partner(s), no matter how pretty he/she/they may be.
Similarly, do not accept drinks from anyone. This may cause offense when visiting a pub or bar but it's better than being dead. Obviously.
Do not take off your mask for any reason while on a mission. If people see your face while you are conjuring the Dark Mark/ massacring etc, they may suspect that you are a Death Eater.
Do not try to smoke while wearing your mask, as it is not fireproof.
Never address your colleagues by name while on a mission. Survivors may recall it at a later date. For the same reason, never mention your address or telephone number to anyone you are kidnapping/raping/torturing/killing, no matter how attractive they may be. Evil relationship experts have stated that romance is unlikely to flourish under such circumstances anyway.
Burn all sensitive documents. Not only will this deter spies, it is also amusing as it contributes to global warming.
Set up an anti-Apparating spell round your residence (but make sure you have a Portkey handy so you're not embarrassingly trapped there if the place is attacked by Aurors).
Prepare a secret hi
ideout for yourself should your cover be blown. Failure to do this may lead to your sharing a hideout with another Death Eating family, which often results in friction over use of bathroom facilities, television, etc.
Don't upset Lord Voldemort. It will only end in tears. (And multiple burns, fractured limbs, mortal torment, etc.)
twilight serius quotes
Well, Gran, you might have noticed that my boyfriend glitters. It’s just something he does in the sun. Don’t worry about it…
Bella Swan, New Moon, Chapter 1, p.4
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