Author has written 13 stories for Naruto, Metal Gear, Street Fighter, Pokémon, DC Superheroes, X-Men, One Piece, Bleach, and Kenichi the Mightiest Disciple.
Weight: Walks Around At 215 pounds (Fights at Middleweight, 185 pounds, or Light-Heavyweight, 205 pounds)
Favorite Bands/Musicians: Eminem (from 1999 to 2004, but I'm really digging the MM LP 2), Atmosphere, Weezer, Cypress Hill, Mobb Deep, Guns n' Roses (Original Line-up), The Lonely Island, I Fight Dragons, Beastie Boys, The Bloodhound Gang (Their songs are f'n hilarious), The Heavy.
Race: African American (A.K.A: Black Guy)
Occupation: Assistant Producer
Major: Communications/Media Studies (Bachelor's Degree as of June 2013)
Hobbies: Playing Video Games (PS3 all day), Golf, Training/Sparring, Sleeping, Writing/Reading Fanfiction.
Location: 612 Wharf Avenue, so come on down. Right next to the gentleman's club.
I consider this profile page as an extension to try and entertain, and thus I will use it as such. If you came here you must have seen something interesting enough to try and come here to begin with, so hopefully this kills some time for you.
My ego grows once more with my regular inclusion on a weekly podcast panel! Fandom Flux Podcast! Oh yeah! Listen to a gaggle of fanfiction-writing fools try to make some entertaining audio!
We've got a Youtube page for all of the stuff, at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrK71UzTdgkSuIEv-oMjAgw/videos.
If you've got something that you want us to talk about on the show or a question that I/we may or may not be able to answer, you can send me a message, or send one to the comments on the Fandom Flux site for us to check out.
Random Thoughts From Me:
- To anyone that actually cares or possesses one, I have a PS3 and my PSN name is the exact same as my name here, so... yeah.
- I cannot for the life of me remember what the fuck inspired me to first come to this site in November of 2009, but I do remember why I first started writing. Because I read stuff that made me say, "I can do something just as good as that or better." And two months of saying that made me realize I needed to stop talking shit and actually put up or shut up. One entire year later I have a story with 3000 reviews and two more on the cusp of breaking 1000. Because I'm Kenchi Strife and I'm AWESOME!!!! (I'm not really that awesome, I am just incredibly productive and have extreme flashes of arrogance.)
- Whenever most people get asked, "What bloodline from Naruto would you want if you could have it?" Most people would say Sharingan, or Rinnengan, or Shikotsumyaku (My second choice actually). But if I had to choose I would pick the Byakugan. This stems from my own personal fear, I fear nothing physical, it's more of a theoretical fear; things that I cannot see. This goes as far as me looking around randomly while in the midst of doing nothing, even in my own house. I hate, hate, hate, FUCKING HATE not being able to see things coming, I fucking hate the fact that I can only see in a 45 degree radius, I hate everything that is behind me and out of my field of vision, everything, with no exceptions. If I was given the option to get three punches in the face that I could see coming or one punch to the stomach blindfolded I would take the punches to the face. I don't care what it is, seeing things unfold in front of me, even if it's something that is going to hurt me allows me to calm myself by thinking logically, letting me run mental damage control and work out split-second solutions or at the very least brace for consequences, I even hate surprises. Thus why I would take the Byakugan. Seeing near 360 degrees and being able to basically see stuff from far away and through things would take the fear from me.
- Why do I always see people that complain about texting fucking text themselves?
- I hate Facebook or any other social networking device. If you're all like, "But Kenchi! It helps me meet people, and know so many hot girls on Facebook!" then I would say that you don't know them since you've never actually stood in front of them and had a conversation where the words 'lol' didn't fucking come up. I don't use Facebook as a fucking social crutch, I actually go out and meet friends of my friends and make them my friends, thus opening the door for more friends that I talk to and form my own social network, only it's with people that I actually have a good chance of seeing in person on a regular basis. Yeah, I know hot women too, and I actually know that I can tolerate their personalities and that they are receptive to flirting because I've held actual conversations with them and know them, thus when I earn the opportunity to see them with less than 100% of their clothing on I feel like I've done more than click a mouse to see their pictures on a web page. If I want to see that on a computer screen I'll just skip the middleman and look at porn.
- Does anyone else think that Shao Kahn and Motaro from Mortal Kombat 3 were the most pain in the ass boss fights in video games? Because I still think about that shit all the time. 5 credits my ass...
- The almond is the greatest brand of nut ever mass distributed for human consumption.
- Why do bees always like to hover around the thing outside that you desperately need to pick up and use for just a second?
- Yelling "Psycho Crusher" or "Sonic Boom" after doing anything in your life makes it 10 times better.
- Neil Patrick Harris had the best role ever given to any human being on Earth when he had his parts in the Harold and Kumar movies. He was paid to be a random name of tall order from the past and ended up looking totally badass in the first movie. There was no logical reason for Doogie fucking Houser to look so awesome and yet he did.
- The dropkick is the most entertaining form of attack known to regular people. Say that you see someone do a dropkick in real life and you weren't laughing your ass off after it happens. If you do then you are lying to yourself and to me. No matter what the target you find yourself laughing at it; a door, a porta-potty, a person... just as long as the person isn't you, then it's not funny anymore.
- It has been scientifically tested and proven by others that when you pour beer or some other form of liquid on my face I will immediately wake up and place you in some form of Triangle Choke until you pass out. Fact.
- I have respect for Vanilla Ice for multiple reasons. First of all he was a white rapper that actually had a number one hit back when having a hit in hip-hop actually meant something.
Second of all I defy you to put on "Ice Ice Baby" right now and not have some kind of positive physical reaction to listening to it because regardless of whatever misgivings you may have even in 2010 that shit still cranks, now that is staying power.
Third of all, and probably most important, people still know who this guy is, 20 years after the fact! Whenever any white rapper comes out he is always compared to two rappers; Eminem and Vanilla 'fucking' Ice. Now granted it is usually at opposite ends of the spectrum, but all I can say is that the man did more than I've ever done in my life.
-...My name is Kenchi618 an I have an addiction. I am addicted to fanfiction *cries softly*. I started reading this shit in November of 2009 and now I come to this site every damn day. And just like an addiction I have to read something everyday or I get seriously cranky. It utterly pisses me off when nothing is posted that entertains me in one, two, three days. So much so that I have to write my own shit to calm myself down. For those of you aware of my usual update speed this is why; because when there's nothing to read, I write so maybe I can inspire someone to get off of their ass (or on their ass in this case) and write something that tickles my soul. It has been failing miserably thus far... The fact that people actually like what I do is a complete by-product of this addiction, but I ain't complaining.
- I AM AWESOME!!! As of December 5th, 2010 I have achieved eternal greatness! In a submission grappling contest I defeated a state-level wrestler... BLINDFOLDED! As in no vision... as in sans visual orbs, i.e. my eyes. GET ON MY LEVEL!!!! God that was the greatest 5 bucks I've ever won off of anyone ever!
- All I do is win! Woo! I am officially Log Pope baby! Having achieved the minimum of 400 reviews in a story that routinely praises the awesome of the log (Naruto: Soldiers of Fortune) I have painstakenly achieved the most pimptacular powers of Log Pope the hard way. Yes friends, Kenchi618 is your new pope, here to lead your congregation of the log, because the pope is pimping!!!
- Let me specify this immediately: I DO NOT hate the Sasuke Uchiha character. Actually that is false. I hate him now. I didn't when the Naruto series started. When the series started Sasuke proved worth to me as a bad-ass anti-hero. He had a cool attitude, his dialogue didn't suck, he had a hell of a backstory, he had his moments of pure win, and he was never placed as seeming more important than the main character himself. He was cool. And he remained cool right up until he defected... actually he was still cool to me when he defected. I loved the concept, abso-fucking-lutely I did.
No, he stayed cool. He stayed cool upon his reintroduction, he stayed cool when he toasted Orochimaru's sick and dying ass and then bitched out Kabuto, he stayed cool when he got his own team (which had Suigetsu in it who is super fucking cool), he stayed cool when he beat Deidara's ass, and he stayed cool while he was fighting Itachi, and that fight was pretty much the epitome of bad-ass. And then Kishimoto took his character which had bordered on the slippery slope of emo-cutter status since his inception and pushed his ass down that cliff in a goddamn wheelbarrow. Now he's whiny, sounds like he's going to cry crocodile tears everytime he brings up Itachi or how his clan was wronged and blah, blah, blah (He's working with Madara. Wouldn't common deduction skills point towards him trying to gut Madara like a trout since he was the one that kind of started it?), and he gets a power-up every five chapters (I'm probably exaggerating but you get the point) that each seem like the equivalent of Naruto's Sage Mode which was the only power-up he received for like 50 chapters at one point. So yeah, don't blame Sasuke for being the reason you hate him, blame Kishimoto. He made the number two guy in the series, a guy who was actually really cool, a total tool.
...and the dialogue he constantly gives Naruto about Sasuke when the topic comes up is simply adding fuel to the fire for the yaoi writers which does not help his case of me hating him by any stretch of the imagination.
- The Metal Gear video game series by Hideo Kojima is the absolute best series of video games in the world. Period. If you disagree with me I don't need to meet you or even know your name or face, because if I did I would challenge you to a street fight with taped fists covered in glue and dipped in broken glass, because I want to destroy you. As a man there has been only one time that I have ever been moved to tears, and I have no problems saying this because I am more than confident enough in my own masculinity to admit this...
After playing all of the games, from Metal Gear to Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater in order, back to back, and beating them all, I played Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots from start to finish and by the time the final credits hit I was physically holding back tears because the story and the gameplay was so awesome. That's some intense shit right there. And they were manly tears... the manliest... Anyway, I think you get the point by now.
- Do not take yourself too seriously. There are billions of people in the world. If 200 people think you suck then that's no big deal... of course if they all come out, can get into contact with you, and say it at the exact same time about the exact same thing then there might be a problem there. Looking into the reason for that might not be such a bad idea.
- Getting shot is not that bad from personal experience (at least by a 9mm). I mean, after the first five minutes as long as it isn't fatal because the guy who did it can't aim for shit you don't even care anymore. One shot through the side of my torso and then one through my knee had me sitting outside of a friend's house by myself for 30 minutes waiting on an ambulance... and I was more bored than in agony as long as I kept still. Now I've got cool scars and an asinine story to tell for the rest of my life. All it took was one weird guy shooting me because I jumped his fence to get a basketball back. Fair trade.
- After thinking about this legitimately for the last hour I can with confidence say that every single relevant sport that has ever been created is a substitute for fighting.
My reasons for believing such: Athleticism is originally measured by the physical abilities of a person... physical abilities that are also used to measure how well a person would survive... fighting was originally done to survive and for no other reason.
Another reason: Whenever good atheletes go immediately for the victory at the first opportunity it is called killer instinct... killer instinct. Huh.
Yet ANOTHER reason: One of the top 3 most popular sports in the U.S. is american football... a game where by definition 250 pound grown adults more or less run into each other as hard as they can in an effort to throw one particular poor bastard to the ground.
I could keep going for another five paragraphs but I'll leave it with one more point. When tensions rise and the testosterone flows in any of these sports (even NASCAR dude) how is anything settled between particular participants? Trying to outdo the person on the court, field, or whatever isn't enough. Victory is not enough... No, they have to fight because they're pissed.
Fighting is a legal and recognized part of hockey... and how many people get headbutted in faceoffs between rival players in soccer yearly?
...and MMA isn't legalized in the state of New York...
- MXC (Most Extreme Elimination Challenge), an old show that used to be on Spike TV, is one of the greatest shows that I have ever seen in my entire life. I wish it still came on, even if they're just reruns. I've never consistently laughed so hard on a show-to-show basis watching anything else in my life, period.
Bring back Kenny and Vic. MXC for life.
- Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'm going to fight them. That's weird right? I know it can't be normal.
- I don't have any shame apparently. I figured that out last Saturday night. It turns out that where my shame gland should be there is only a gland that produces more awesome. It turns out that this is my secondary awesome gland where most people only have one.
This explains everything!!!
- It is complete hindsight now, but in my honest belief that Kishimoto should have saved the Naruto vs. Pain battle for last. He should have held off and ended the series with it. Because in my opinion it was perfect. I saw absolutely nothing wrong with that battle, the circumstances surrounding it, nothing. It was the height of the whole series, and ever since it went down nothing that's happened has been nearly as good. It might have been the one-two punch of doing Sasuke vs. Itachi and then moving straight into the attack on Konoha, but it did the trick.
If he would have just pushed it to the end and did some other things in between, like Sasuke's whole descent into the dark after fighting Itachi and his subsequent revenge on Konoha kick. If he'd put all of that in there and wrapped it up before pulling Pain out to fight Naruto in the village... it would have been for the best.
He could have kept the crux of everything important that he'd wanted to do and did afterwards. That's cool. But he should have put it before the Pain fight. Most importantly because after it was over... how do you rightfully top it?
He had to make sure the villains were threatening afterwards which resulted in the problem with the power-scales now, because he had to make them more imposing than Pain, the guy that blew the village to hell with one move. Then we had everybody popping up with Rinnegan eyes, an army of the undead, zombie Madara that can call down meteors, and now the Juubi doesn't even seem worth it when it comes to strength after seeing all of that, nuclear howitzer of a Bijudama or not.
Until that point nothing had even come close to doing that kind of damage, and now if it doesn't happen any character worth any value can just no-sell it and keep going. And that's just the fighting portion of it.
Emotionally, that was the height of the series. He could have caught that, kept it in a bottle while he tied up the other loose ends to prepare for the end like with Kisame and Tobi/Obito's parts, done whatever he had to do to make Naruto's power growth come full-circle to his liking while keeping him involved since he was still strong enough at the time to take part in the other aforementioned situations without vanishing for dozens of chapters at a time, and ended it all with Naruto vs. Pein with a neat little bow, because nothing since then has felt as dramatic. And it would have had the whole story sewn up well before Chapter 600.
Just one man's opinion.
- Regular Show is the best cartoon I've seen in years. It's like J.G. Quintel is in my head and animating it for the world to see and enjoy. If you haven't seen this show you're doing yourself a disservice.
- Cat litter can be used to blind people while fighting. I did not know that.
I had to copy this when I saw it...
Honorary Member of The Book of Log.
If you worship the holyness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile... although you may want to change the comments
Position: Log Pope (Since 12/24/2010)
Possible Book of Log Positons:
Log Worshipper: Beginning position. No requirements
Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapers) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story
Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... its safer that way): you have created 3 naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log
OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews
OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid.
Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log, and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. c-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. even then, it is still reccommended.
Log excerpt number 231: if konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is uneligible from using the log for a period of two months.
Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:
For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.
For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five
For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten
For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall
For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant
If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If
'and the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost i weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. the log ist thine ally, and mine kin. calling upon the log, is to call upon me. to aid thee in battle, i weep my tear of joy.
'as the log takes your place, you become the log. the log becomes you. for a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.'
'you are fools! your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!- the ninja from the desert declared. and the people shook their heads.
'and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. blackened and charred, the log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. he made his way to the log, and wept. his companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. he spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. the forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. i thank you my friend.'
'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.
'the log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. the people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. for many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. his stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which i am content.'
Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log.
Quotes of Greatness
"There's only three real monsters, kid: Dracula, Blackula and Son of Kong. Now quit picking your nose and knead that dough!" Mr. Pannucci - Futurama
"That was so terrible I think you gave me cancer!" Calculon - Futurama
"Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm." Winston Churchill
"Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde
"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." Unknown
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: ‘Cover for me.’ Number 2: ‘Oh, good idea, Boss!’ Number 3: ‘It was like that when I got here.’” Homer Simpson - The Simpsons
“Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry? Do they?" Sideshow Bob - The Simpsons
"Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together." Carl Zwanzig
"The object of war is not to die for your country, it's to make the other bastard die for his." General George S. Patton
“This job would be great if it wasn’t for the fucking customers” Randal Graves - Clerks
"Guns don't kill people... but they sure help."
“There’s only two men I trust. One of ‘em’s me, the other one’s not you” Cameron Poe - Con Air
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?" Scott Adams
"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." George W. Bush
"Tickets? Since when did they start charging for the bus? Didn't we used to ride that shit to school every morning for free?" Jay - Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
"That's what the Internet is for! Slandering others anonymously."
"Fighting fair is for people that don't know how to avoid losing correctly."
"I don't drink from the fountain of wisdom, I gargle."
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
"I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm." - George Carlin
"A fighter with lesser skill can knock out a man in one punch, but a regular person can make a skilled fighter cry like a girl with a single bullet."
"No technology is worth my dignity. If talking on a wireless headset means I gotta look like Buck Rogers, then I'm not interested. Besides, there's a reason why people hold a phone to their head! It lets people around you know your talking on the phone. So those people know not to waste time talking to you until you finish, which you then indicate, by putting that mothafucka away!" Gin Rummy - The Boondocks (And my thoughts on that stupid fucking bluetooth kick that 85% of this country was on a few years ago)
"If at first you don't succeed, deny that you were really trying in the first place."
"If you get glitter on you prepare to have it on you forever, because glitter is the herpes of craft supplies." Dimitri Martin
"Keep your expectations low. If you expect a kick in the balls, but get a slap in the face, then it's a victory."
"I've got half a mind to kill you, and the other half agrees."
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose."
"You never want to be in a fair fight if an unfair fight is an option." Forrest Griffin - Be Ready When The Sh*t Goes Down (A Survival Guide To The Apocalypse)
"Cheating: The Plan B of winners for over 2000 years."
"Right leg: hospital, left leg: cemetery." Mirko "Cro Cop" Filipovic (For those that do not understand you need to go to Youtube)
"The thing you should be thinking about isn't whether or not I can actually kill you with the nail clippers, it should be the fact that whether I can or not is irrelevant. No matter if I can or not, you know full well that I'm going to try, and that more than anything else should scare the hell out of you for more than one reason and answer your question right there." Me - Taken verbatim from my younger brother questioning my sanity after pissing me off in my bedroom post-shower and I took to threatening him with aforementioned grooming device.
"And that's the moral of the story. Some niggas need to go jail! I may be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga! (laughs maniacally)" Colonel H. Stinkmeaner - The Boondocks
"We are not retreating -- We are advancing in another direction." General Douglas MacArthur
"Bullets... my only weakness. How did you know?" Officer Palumbo - Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
"Grammar is important. Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse."
"There's a very fine line between not listening and not caring. I like to think that I walk that line every day of my life."
"I don't understand a word you're going on about, but I know exactly what you're saying and I refuse to apologize."
"Nope, no matter how bad things seem, they can't be any better, and they can't be any worse, because that's the way things fucking are, and you better get used to it, Nancy. Quit yer bitching."
"I have a first place ribbon in doing nothing, it's the same color as last place... It's purple."
"Women are like Voltron, the more you hook up the better it gets."
"There's no 'I' in team." "Oh yeah! Well there's no "you" in "team" either! So I guess if I'm not on the team and you're not on the team, then nobody's on the goddamn team. The team sucks!"
Caboose: "Hey Church, ever wonder why we're here?"
Church: "You know, Caboose, I used to not care. I just went along with orders and hoped that everything would work out for me. But after all that has happened, you know what I learned? It's not about hating the guy on the other side because someone told you to. I mean, you should hate someone because they're an asshole, or pervert, or snob, or they're lazy, or arrogant, or an idiot, or a know-it-all. Those are reasons to dislike somebody. You don't hate a person because someone told you to. You have to learn to despise them on a personal level. Not because they're Red, or Blue, but because you know them, and you see them every single day, and you can't stand them because they are a complete and total fucking douchebag."
Caboose: "...I meant why are we up here in the sun when we could be standing down there in the shade."
Church: "Oh. Yeah, okay. Let's go stand in the shade." - Red vs. Blue
"Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your enemies. Killing a man with your bare hands says 'We're all equals as men except I'm slightly more equal because I'm still alive and your dead.' Of course dropping a nuke on them from 50 thousand feet is totally acceptable. I mean let's face it, there just not enough time in this world to show everybody the courtesy of a good strangling."
"Shotgun to the face is a great contingency plan! Wanna see how it cures insubordination?" Sarge - Red vs. Blue
"You must not fight too often with one enemy, or you will teach him all your tricks of war." - Napoleon Bonaparte
"Fruit don't talk... Fruit just listens... and waits." Earlie Cuyler - Squidbillies
"Okay I'm going to be completely serious with you... There's every chance in the world I was drunk when I said that."
"Sarcasm is a body's natural defense against stupid."
"You should never avert your eyes from death, never look away from the lives you have taken. And you should never forget the people that you have killed, because I can assure you they will never forget you." Solf J. Kimblee - Fullmetal Alchemist
"Bed is for sissies, unless you're having sex in which case... yeah, bed is still for sissies." Gregory House - House
"I've run over black cats that were luckier than me."
"Thank God I wore underwear today." Derek Zoolander - Zoolander
"Sometimes I need what only you can provide... your absence." Me
"I'm so miserable without you it's like you're right there with me." Me
"I'm not bi-polar, I'm bi-winning. I win here and I win there." Charlie Sheen
"I am on a drug. It's called Charlie Sheen. It's not available because if you try it you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body." Charlie Sheen
"A.A. was written for normal people, people that aren't special. People that don't have tiger blood, you know, Adonis-DNA." Charlie Sheen
"Dying is for fools... amateurs." Charlie Sheen
"C.B.S. picked a fight with a warlock." Charlie Sheen
"If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you'd be like, 'Dude! I can't handle it, unplug this bastard!' It fires in a way that's maybe not from this, uh... this terrestrial realm." Charlie Sheen
"I'm tired of pretending I'm not special. I'm tired of pretending I'm not a total bitchin' rock star from Mars." Charlie Sheen... and now me.
"If it doesn't hurt you're not doing it right... just like sex." Me
"Experience isn't something you get until right after you need it."
"I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money."
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
"I'm a peaceful man with bad intentions."
"There's a new sheriff in town... and he has an army of assassins."
"I just had a brainstorm." "I wasn't aware storms could exist in a vacuum."
"I wake up in the morning and piss excellence."
Fit Tony: "That's why I keep my friends close-."
Homer Simpson: "-And your enemies closer?"
Fit Tony: "No. Why would I do that? If they were close they would kill me."
"Just because you sold seven million albums doesn’t mean you’re talented. It just means that there are seven million people that are stupid as hell." Phil 'CM Punk' Brooks
"Do you know what it's like going through life being better than everybody? It's hard."
"If it doesn't kill you, use it and kill somebody else..."
"I want a shirt that just says "f* you" on it, and I want to wear it while walking through airports all day. There's no such thing as a bad word, just bad intentions."
"I've been imitated so well I've heard people copy my mistakes." Jimi Hendrix
"If anything in this life is certain, if history has taught us anything; it is that you can kill anyone." Michael Corleone - The Godfather: Part II
"You cannot achieve success, without the risk of failure. And I learned a long time ago, you cannot achieve success, if you fear failure. If you're not afraid to fail, man, you have a chance to succeed. But you're never gonna get there unless you risk it all the way. I was a failure. Sometimes, half the fun is failing. Learning from your mistakes, waking up the next morning, and saying 'Okay. Watch out. Here I come again. A little bit smarter, licking my wounds, and really not looking forward to getting my ass kicked the way I just did yesterday.' So now, I'm just a little more dangerous." Paul Heyman
"Show me a man with a combover and I'll show you a man that believes that by crushing a bag of chips... you make more chips." Sheng Wang
"My plans always work! ...Sometimes!"
"Well let me just quote the late-great Colonel Sanders, who said... 'I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.'" Ricky Bobby - Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
"If animals have taught me anything it's that you can die very quickly and very suddenly under a bus or on the side of the road." Charlie - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
"I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed. And I gotta tell ya... it feels phenomenal." Peter La Fleur - Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
"Saying you're a history major out loud is basically just the same thing as telling your friends, 'Yes, I do remember every dumbass thing you've ever done in front of me, and I can bring it up accurately whenever I want, so don't start.' I love it, but there's not a whole lot of good job options available for it. What the hell am I going to do, teach? I'm way too hateful to teach kids." Kenchi618 - Me at Buffalo Wild Wings after being asked by friends why I try to major in communications instead of the other thing that I'm good at
"Live every week like it's Shark Week." Tracy Jordan - 30 Rock
"I am finished doing what I swore an oath to God 28 years ago to never do again. I've created, 'something that kills people.' And in that purpose, I was a success. I've done this because, philosophically, I am sympathetic to your aim. I can tell you with no ego, this is my finest sword. If on your journey, you should encounter God, God will be cut." Hattori Hanzo - Kill Bill Vol.1
("Money doesn't buy happiness.") Rebuttal: "...Have you ever tried not having money before?"
"You know who's going to inherit the earth? Arms dealers. Because everyone else is too busy killing each other. That's the secret to survival. Never go to war, especially with yourself." Yuri Orlov - Lord or War
"Ambition is the willingness to kill the thing you love and eat them to stay alive." Jack Donaghy - 30 Rock
"There are only three kinds of people in this world; those who can count and those who can't."
"You can't touch music, but music can touch you." Mordecai - Regular Show
"If you never choose a side and always stay in the middle you'll never have to directly face down quite as much as if you did, but you'll also always have at least one thing at your open back ready to take a free shot at you no matter which way you turn."
"Schools is this nation's backbone." Cam Brady - The Campaign
"Cain Velasquez might be able to take me down. He might be able to take me down 10 times. But for each of those times he takes me down, I'm going to stand back up. If I land 10 punches on Cain Velasquez, he's not going to stand back up." Junior dos Santos
"If I tell you I'm good, you would probably think I'm boasting. If I tell you I'm no good, you know I'm lying." Bruce Lee
"Ahh Twitter... giving cowards a forum to say things to people they would never say in real life, since 2006." Phil 'CM Punk' Brooks
"Cats are kind of like girls. If they come and talk to you it's great. But if you try to talk to them it doesn't always go so well." Shigeru Miyamoto
“Wanna make a monster? Take the parts of yourself that make you uncomfortable - your weaknesses, bad thoughts, vanities, and hungers - and pretend they’re across the room. It’s too ugly to be human. It’s too ugly to be you. Children are afraid of the dark because they have nothing real to work with. Adults are afraid of themselves.” Richard Silken - Black Telephone
"If the world didn't suck we'd all fall off."
"Ignorance isn't just bliss, it's also great motivation. There's nothing quite as inspiring as not knowing that you can't do something." Kenchi618
"James Cameron doesn't do what James Cameron does for James Cameron. James Cameron does what James Cameron does, because James Cameron IS... James Cameron." James Cameron - South Park
"The world is diagonal. I am the balancing point." Vaas - Far Cry 3
"Life cares about you a little less every second you're alive." Greg Fitzsimmons
"I was in public office and I left public office the only way a person should. In handcuffs." Chael Sonnen
"Well-rounded just means that you suck at a lot of things all at once. Try growing a spine and mastering something for a change, worm." Chael Sonnen
"I’m not a cheater, I’m a gangster. Gangsters follow their own set of rules and it’s up to another gangster to attempt to stop me." Chael Sonnen
"If as an adult male you have to stop and actually consider whether or not something you're doing is legal, it's probably not."
"Unless someone is a child, exclaiming with surprise, "Wow, you are so well spoken," is a Dolomite-level backhanded compliment." Samoa Joe
"Animals should be food, rugs, and trophies. Why do you think I'm wearing a leather suit?" Frank Reynolds - It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
"Did you know that cats can make one thousand different sounds and dogs can only make ten? Cats, man... not to be trusted." - Jensen - The Losers
The Man of 1004 Holds
In an effort to further boost my ever fluctuating self esteem and kill time I will be posting over the course of time every single fighting move that I am capable of doing. Hopefully being able to actually reach 1004 at some actual point in time, and if there are those of you out there that are asking, "why 1004? Why not a nice round number?" Then you're a round number loving douchebag... and you are completely missing the reference I'm trying to make.
(A cookie to anyone that actually recognizes the reference of which I am speaking, and if you have to question the number of times one particular move is in the list, you automatically fail.)
I Will Never Reach 1004 Moves in my lifetime... Hell, 300 actual moves would be fucking fantabulous*
The Situation in Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I go out with you", and take into account the fact that I went out with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct . . . leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."