Author has written 5 stories for Darren Shan Saga/Cirque Du Freak, Monster High, Twilight, and Percy Jackson and the Olympians.
my favorite book :The host,Twilight,Percy Jackson and Silver Kiss
Favorite movie:easy A
Favorite actor:Charlie Sheen
Favorite Actress :Emma Stone
Favorits show : two and a half men (but hate that they took charlie out)
I love Jacob. Wanna know why?
While Jacob would be admiring your soft blush,
Edward would be resisting the urge to suck your blood
While Jacob would be able to warm you up on a cold winter day,
Edward would freeze you to death
While Jacob faces problems head-on,
Edward runs away, and then when things get worse, tries to kill himself
While Jacob is thinking about you even when he's sleeping,
Edward is watching you sleep
While Jacob supports any decision you make,
Edward tries to control every aspect of your life
While Jacob is sweet and cheerful,
Edward is arrogant and dramatic
While Jacob will do anything for the love of his life,
Edward will let her slip away
Finally, While Jacob turns into a manly wolf,
Edward sparkles in the sunlight.
See? This proves my point at why I am...
See that boy doing his homework in homeroom? Last night he Talked his friend out of suicide.
See that girl you just called fat? She is starving herself.
See that old man you made fun of cause of the ugly scars? He fought for our country.
See that young boy you must made fun of for always being sick? He has to walk home in the snow cause his family is too poor.
Re-Post this if you are against bullying.
I bet 95% of you won't. Your life would probably not be as harsh as their's is.
For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop (I TOTALLY DO!!!), put this on your profile. (BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm a GIRL, so I must only care about make-up and skirts.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenience store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.
I'm ITALIAN, so I MUST have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I MUST be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A's, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player. (this is for a guy)
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so I must be GAY TOO.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff.
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks.
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7.
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA.
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black.
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with TEENAGE DRINKERS and SMOKERS, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE so I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse.
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I'm SCOTTISH so I MUST have ginger hair and wear skirts.
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan.
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion.
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY/LESBIAN.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED.
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish.
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s.
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting.
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.
I can't help pointing out mistakes so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist
I'm a PERFECTIONIST so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake
I DON’T LIKE to talk about my personal life so I MUST be having problems
I like FIRE so I must be an arsonist.
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually, I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life: in your wildest dreams.
HE: Your place or mine?
SHE: Both, you go to yours and I'll go to mine.
HE: Does beauty run in your family?
SHE: Well it obviously doesn't run in yours
HE: I can see forever in your eyes.
SHE: But all I can see is never in yours.
HE: I looked up beatiful today in the thesaurus and your name was included.
SHE: Thanks! I saw your name next to jerk.
HE: You're like a dream.
SHE: Go back to sleep.
HE: What do I have to give you for one little kiss?
HE: I want to give myself to you.
SHE: Sorry, but I don't accept cheap gifts.
HE: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
SHE: Yeah, but this time, don't stop.
HE: I think you're th best looking girl here.
SHE: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then.
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Sure, but only if you buy my girlfriend one too.
Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you belive in Jesus Christ put this in your profile and don't just ignore this, because in the Bible it says if you deny me, I will deny you in front of my Father in the gates of Heaven. *Please know, I'm not trying to get people to convert, I'm just expressing my beliefs.*
Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?
Jesus had no servants, yet they called him Master...
He had no degree, yet they called him Teacher...
He had no medicine, yet they called him Healer...
He had no army, yet kings feared him...
He won no military battles, yet he conquered the world...
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him...
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today
Feel honoured to serve such a leader who loves us...
If you believe in the triune God, Father, Son, and Holy Ghost
then copy and paste this in your profile
If you ignore him, in the Holy Bible, Jesus says...
"If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven..."
NORMAL PEOPLE: rely on their local weatherman for the weather forecast
TWILIGHT FANS: would rather-rely on Alice for future predictions
NORMAL PEOPLE: say OMG!
TWILIGHT FANS: say OH MY EDWARD!! (OME, actually, OH MY EMMETT :D)
NORMAL PEOPLE: go to a psychiatrist to tell their feelings
TWILIGHT FANS: know that Jasper already can sense their feelings without saying a word
NORMAL PEOPLE: Say shut up or i'll tell on you!
TWILIGHT FANS: Say shut up or i'll get James to kill you
NORMAL PEOPLE: Think that vampires are all like Dracula
TWILIGHT FANS: Know ALOT better and absolutely love the Cullen vampires
NORMAL PEOPLE: When being chased yell, HELP ME SOMEBODY!
TWILIGHT FANS: When being chased yell, JACOB, SAVE ME!!
NORMAL PEOPLE: get nervous/scared during thunderstorms
TWILIGHT FANS: know that the Cullens might be playing thunderball somewhere and Emmett was just at bat ; )
NORMAL PEOPLE: would choose somewhere sunny to go for vacation
TWILIGHT FANS: would go directly to FORKS WASHINGTON
NORMAL PEOPLE: Yell, the sun! It burns!
TWILIGHT FANS: Yell, the sun! It makes me sparkle!
NORMAL PEOPLE: Don't have this on their profile
TWILIGHT FANS: MUST have this on their profile!
My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid, I must be bad
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all, I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long.
When I awake I am all alone
The house is dark
My parents aren't home.
When mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight.
Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With the bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But it's now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And finally he stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah.
I am but three,
Tonight my daddy,
Put this in your profile if you think child abuse is wrong!
Guys are like...
onions. They smell and make you cry.
play-do. You can shape them in your mind however you want but, in the end, they always turn out as a crappier version of what you imagined.
shuffle. They never quite play the tune you're looking for.
guns. If you don't know how to use them, STAY AWAY!
Taio Crus. They only wanna break-break your heart.
Put this on your profile if you love guys!
If you have embarrassing memories that make you want to smack yourself/someone else, copy this into your profile.
If you've ever burst out laughing while reading a book and people looked at you weird, copy and paste this into your profile
If you really hate those e-mails that say 'Make a wish! If you don't send this to 50 people in 1 minute, it won't come true!', but still send it on anyway, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever wished a book character was real so, so, so incredibly bad, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever said a totally random comment that had nothing to do with the conversation for no reason whatsoever, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.
If you think that Writer's Block blows (sucks), copy and paste this into your profile.
92 percent of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch and American Eagle said it was uncool to breathe anymore. Copy and paste this in your profile if you'd be part of the 8 percent laughing your head off.
If you think that if girls should rule the world and it would be a better place then copy this onto your profile.
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1)Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
SHORT STORY ABOUT RACISM
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here."
The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away... Post this on your profile if you hate racism
120 (it's more then that) Ways to Agitate Someone Who Doesn't Like Harry Potter
1. Relate everything they say to the Harry Potter books and/or movies.
2. Say they look like a Harry Potter character of the opposite gender.
3. Quote Dobby.
4. Hog the computer 24/7 while logged onto MuggleNet.
5. Read out loud to them whenever they can't get away from you (Example: When in a car or an elevator). If you don't have a book with you, recite from memory.
6. Give them Harry Potter merchandise for their birthday and Christmas and demand that they keep it and treasure it forever.
7. Rewrite their favorite song with Harry Potter lyrics and sing it constantly.
8. Crowd their inbox with Harry Potter related e-mail and make sure the subjects are misleading.
9. Start singing a Sorting Hat song at random moments, pretend to forget what comes next, and ask if they know in a very loud voice.
10. Make them play Quidditch with you.
11. Give all of their friends Harry Potter related nicknames and act mortally offended when they don't know the history of their character.
12. Change your name to that of a Harry Potter character and start screaming when they don't address you as such in public.
13. Always speak with a British accent - especially if you aren't from the UK.
14. Refer to real places by Harry Potter names.
15. ...throw a fit if others don't use these names.
16. Draw round glasses and lightning bolt scars on every poster and picture you come across...in permanent marker.
17. Give long lectures about how the prophecy relates to every day life.
18. Give every room in your house a Harry Potter codename. ( Example: The living room becomes the Entrance Hall) and whenever someone asks you where something is, use these names.
19. Change them immediately if they figure out what the names refer to.
20. Constantly ask if they can see the thestrals too.
21. ...refuse to explain what a thestral is.
22. Say, "Anything off the trolley, dear?" in a fake British accent when offering anyone food.
23. Pretend you can do magic.
24. Constantly rearrange their furniture and blame it on indecisive house-elves.
25. Yell "Get away from me, Death Eater!" whenever they get near you.
26. Constantly compare them to Mrs. Figg.
27. ...laugh evilly if they ask who Mrs. Figg is.
28. Complain loudly about how your pictures don't move.
29. Whenever you're asked for advice, reply with "Three turns should do it" in a very serious voice.
30. Break any awkward silences by saying, "How 'bout them Chudley Cannons?"
31. Tell a very long joke using a random Harry Potter quote as the punchline and then laugh hysterically.
32. ...make sure the joke isn't funny.
33. Use the titles "You-Know-Who" and "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named" to refer to random people.
34. ... make sure no one knows who you're talking about.
35. Write letters to people (friends, neighbors...politicians) and ask them to join S.P.E.W.
36. ...hand fliers advertising it to random passerby.
37. Report Dumbledore's death to your local authorities.
38. Call them repeatedly asking if Percy Weasley is there and hang up before they can reply.
39. Pop up in place you're not supposed to be and insist that you were only trying to Apparate.
40. If you're late for something, blame it on your broken Time Turner.
41. Deck yourself out in all of your Harry Potter gear when you know you'll be going to a public place.
42. Walk past a wall over and over again, stopping randomly to bang on. When you receive weird stares, shout, "What?! I'm look for the Room of Requirement!"
43. Every time you see them, demand an explanation of why exactly they don't like Harry Potter.
44. If anyone tells you you'll go to hell for reading Harry Potter, either: a) jump and down and tell them that you can't wait; b) tell them you'll meet them there; c) sing "Weasley Is Our King" over and over again; or d) ask them to back up this claim with evidence, and laugh at them when they can't.
45. Play the soundtracks while they're stuck in your car.
46. ...add commentary. ( Oh, this is where they...)
47. When one of the movies is on TV, call to remind them.
48. ...every five minutes.
49. If they ask for your phone number, tell them it's 6-2-4-4-2.
50. Say "Alohomora!" everytime you open a door.
51. Sort every person you meet into one of the four Houses.
52. Follow them around while acting out a scene from the book doing very annoying voices for all the characters. Expect them to join in, and act offended when they don't.
53. Count down to some obscure Harry Potter event, whether it's Dumbledore's birthday, or when a Harry Potter DVD comes out. Keep saying: "87 (86, 85, etc.) more days!" in the middle of every conversation you have with your friend. Smile in a superior way when they ask what you're counting down to.
54. Start talking about a deceased Harry Potter character and suddenly burst into hysterical tears.
55. Refuse to be comforted.
56. Ask them to help you study for your O.W.L's and N.E.W.T's.
57. Knit them hats and insist that you're just trying to liberate them.
58. Talk to animals and insist that they're Animagi.
59. Treat them to lunch and then suddenly realize you can't pay for the meal since the restaurant doesn't accept Galleons, Sickles, or Knuts.
60. Run up to random men with long, dark hair and scream, "SIRIUS! I always knew you were alive!"
61. Point at modern electronic devices and loudly say, "Look at that! The things these Muggles come up with..."
62. Write letters to the editor of your local newspaper about the evils of our society ( Namely, Death Eaters and discrimination against friendly werewolves).
63. Send them numerous letters informing them that they have been selected to attend Hogwarts.
64. Carry around a shiny rock and proclaim that you possess the Sorcerer's Stone.
65. Say everything in a sing-song voice like Luna Lovegood.
66. End every converastion and/or letter with "Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"
67. ...refuse to provide an explanation.
68. Tap all brick walls you encounter with an umbrella.
69. Say "Lumos" when turning on a light.
70. Point and grunt and insist that you're speaking Troll.
71. Refuse to wash your hair and explain that you're going for the Snape look.
72. Spend hours at a time trying to get your broom to fly.
73. Invite them over for the night and force them to watch the first three movies with you.
74. If they leave for any reason, restart the movie and tell them it's the Time Turner scene.
75. Shriek loudly and insist that you're speaking Mermish.
76. If you're asked to retrieve something, shout "Accio!" loudly.
77. ...when this doesn't work, throw a fit.
78. Demand to know what exactly the function of a rubber duck is.
79. Talk like Hagrid.
80. Point to garden gnomes and say, "Silly Muggles don't have a clue about what gnomes look like!" in a very loud voice.
81. Take them to a CD store and make them help you look for the newest Weird Sisters album.
82. Yell "Avada Kedavra" anytime they give the anti-HP lecture, then fake excruciating pain as your soul rips in two.
83. Write "Enemies of the Heir, BEWARE!" in red paint on their wall.
84. When confronted about the message, refuse to take responsibility and/or explain it further.
85. Hum Hedwig's Theme constantly and be sure to include any crescendos, decrescendos, accents, etc.
86. Petition to have Hedwig's Theme become the new National Anthem.
87. Wear all black and explain that you're in mourning over the death of "The Only One He Ever Feared."
88. ...when asked for am explanation of this cryptic title, cry hysterically.
89. Replace their entire movie collection with the Harry Potter films.
90. If they ask you about the weather, solemnly say, "Mars is bright tonight."
91. Print this out and use it as a checklist.
92. Insist that they subscribe for your new Harry Potter newsletter and when they say no, act like you've been seriously offended.
93. Potter Puppet Pals, anyone?
94. Knit them a maroon jumper every year - especially if maroon isn't their color.
95. When taking the stairs with them, stop and insist that you have to wait because the staircases are moving.
96. If someone turns off the lights, make a loud cracking sound and pretend to Apparate to the other side of the room.
97. Carry around a hip flask and refuse to drink anything anyone offers you.
98. Toss a small handful of sand and yell out, "Diagon Alley!"
99. If you go to a train station with them, loudly ask random people if they know where you can find Platform 9 3/4. Do this in an extremely fake British accent.
100. When your friend is checking sports scores, ask them if they can find out the score of the latest Quidditch match.
101. If they refuse, complain (loudly) that you missed the semi-final match between the Chudley Cannons and the Wimbourne Wasps and you need to know who will be advancing to the finals against the Tutshill Tornadoes.
102. At your next sleepover, draw a lightning-bolt scar on your forehead, and just as your friend is drifting off to sleep, grab your forehead and start screaming that you dreamed Voldemort killed your parents.
103. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you're transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
104. When at a train station with them, repeatedly throw yourself against the wall between Platforms 9 and 10. If someone asks if you need help, state in a panicked voice that you're going to miss the Hogwarts Express, and do they have a flying car that you could borrow?
105.At random moments, pick up a wand like object and run around a room, screaming deadly curses and disturbing jinxes. Then collapse, act faint and say that you must be immediately to St. Mungos for you had been placed under the Imperius curse. When not taken, repeat the process.
106. While playing chess with them, stare at your pieces and give them verbal commands.
107. Throw the chessboard across the room when the pieces don't move.
108. Invite them to play "find the Horcrux" with you.
109. Tell them you're wearing an invisibility cloak, then hide.
110. Say "Knock knock." When the person says "Who's there?", say "You Know." When they say "You Know Who?", roll on the floor laughing. When they say they don't get it, become very offended and refuse to explain.
111. Wear mismatched clothes and if someone asks you why say it's because you can never keep up with the muggle fashions.
112. Send out birthday party invitations for a Harry Potter character. Be sure to call everyone who doesn't respond and ask them if they're coming.
113. On the first day of school, ask all of your teachers if "Hogwarts, a History" will be required reading.
114. In casual conversation, mention things you've been taught by Professor Flitwick.
115. Call your local station or cable provider and ask if they will be carrying the Chuddly Cannon games this season.
116. Write all letters to said person on parchment with quills.
117. Whenever they read the newspaper in public, complain loudly about how Scrimegeour is paying them to keep the big stories quiet.
118. Drag them along to the nearest place that has old brick buildings, pull out your pink umbrella, and start tapping the bricks - explain that you're looking for Diagon Alley.
119. Whenever it's foggy outside, scream "The Dementors are coming!" and hide for days at a time.
120. Fill a bowl with water and tie some tinsel to the end of your wand. Move the wand-tip from your temple to the bowl and pretend you're transferring your thoughts to a Pensieve, and ask not to be disturbed.
121. Insist the radio is called a Wizarding Wireless Network.
122. When travelling long distances, insist on going by Floo Powder - while grabbing a handful of soil from the nearest flowerpot.
123. Tell them that they're almost as smart as Grawp.
124. ..refuse to tell them who Grawp is.
125. Speak in a loud harsh voice at random moments and make predictions about people. Then, use your normal voice again and pretend that you don't remember anything.
126. Constantly remind them that you're Dumbledore's man/woman through and through.
127. Walk up to random people and ask them if their initials are R.A.B.
128. If they say no, give them a dirty mistrusting look.
129. If they say yes, then tackle them and demand that they hand over the Horcrux.
130. Yell "Crucio" at drivers who cut you off.
131. Call them every night and ask what the Transfiguration homework is.
The title kind of explains itself!!! but...Still totally awsome and funny!!!!
Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts:
1) Seamus Finnigan is not after me lucky charms
2) I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class
3) I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss
4) Professor Flitwick's first name is not Yoda
5) Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar
6) First years are not allowed to be fed to Fluffy
7) I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his "time of the month"
8) I will not sing the Badger Song during Hufflepuff-Slytherin quidditch matches
9) When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout "To the Batmoblie, Robin!"
10) When a class-mate falls asleep, I shall not take advantage of the fact and draw a Dark Mark on his arm.
11) It's not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes house points from Gryffindor
12) Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is simply coincidental
13) I will not scare the Arithmancy students with my Calculus book.
14) Its not necessary for me to yell "Bamf!" everytime I apparate.
15) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music when wandering the halls.
16) "To conquer the earth with flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.
17) I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.
18) I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue and call them smurfs.
19) I will not slip Malfoy a Love Potion in his morning goblet of Pumpkin Juice.
20) I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life" to Voldemort.
21) Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from The Phantom of the Opera.
22) I will not refer to the Accio charm as "the Force".
23) I will not put Muggle fairy books in the History section at the library.
24) I will not send Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
25.)I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".
26.)House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
27.) Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.
28.)I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.
29.) I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.
30.)I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.
31.) I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.
32.) I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
33.)The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.
34.)I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".
35.)When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts.
36.)-Putting down "Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.
37.)A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.
38.) Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy. “
39.)I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.
40.). -I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.
41.)Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.
42.)Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.
43.)Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
44.) I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.
45.)Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.
46.)I am not the wicked witch of the west.
47.) -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.
48.) I will not melt if water is poured over me.
49.) -Neither will Professor Umbridge.
50.)I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.
51.)I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.
52.) I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.
53.) I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.
54.) - Especially not all of them at once.
55.) I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."
56.) I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."
57.)Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.
58.)I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently.
59.) -Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.
60.)When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.
61.)Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.
62.)The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smarts and the Junior Death Eaters.
63.)I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
64.)Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not be improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.
65.)-Though they are doubtless more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.
66.)I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
67.)I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.
68.)I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
69.)I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.
70.)Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.
71.)Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.
72.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
73.)Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".
74.)I will not play the Imperial March theme for Professor Snape.
75.). - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.
76.)If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.
77.) -I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.
78.)I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.
79.)I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.
80.)I am not a 'ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter' and should stop shouting this at meal times.
81.)It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says All the good looking ones die young with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.
82.)I will not yell "Hey look It's Lord Voldemort!" at Hogsmeade
83.)I will not tease Voldemort about the time he needed his pink flowery teddy bear to comfort him when he had that bad bad nightmare about Harry
84.)I will not charm a poster of Britney Spears on Draco's wall
85.) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work."
86.) I will not use my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot.
87.) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it.
88.) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive.
89.) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast.
90.) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherin Day."
91.) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling.
92.)I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways.
93.) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously.
94.) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions.
95.) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
96.) I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.”
97.) I will not call Professor McGonagall “McGoogles”.
98.) I will not sing the entire Multiplication Rocks series during Arithmacy exams.
99.) Dumbledore is not Gandalf, and the Triforce is not hidden in Hogwarts.
100.) There is no such thing as the chamber of Double Secret Probation.
101.) My name is not “the Dark Lord Happy-Pants” I am not allowed to sign my papers as such.
102.) I will not douse Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible while wearing it and standing by the fire in the common room.
103.) I will not tell first years they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
104.) I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
105.) I will not give Gryffindors pixie sticks.
106.) I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hannah Abbot, and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Buttercup, and Bubbles.
107.) A time turner is not a flux capacitator I should therefore not try to install it in a muggle car.
108.) I shall not refer to DADA professors as canaries in a coal mine.
109.) When fighting deatheaters in the annual June good vs. evil fight I will not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can only be ONE”.
110.) A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or playing drums no matter how bored I become.
111.) It is generally accepted that cats and dragons can not interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the results would be.
112.) 42 is not the answer to every question on the O.W.L.S.
113.) I am allowed to have a cat, rat, toad, or an owl. I am not allowed to have reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
114.) No matter how good an Australian accent I can do I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
115.) "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
116.) I will not shave Mrs. Norris.
117.) I will not reenact Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall.
118.) I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.
119.) Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
120.) I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
121.) It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".
122.) Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.
123.) There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.
124.) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
125.) The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.
126.) I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".
127.) There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
128.) I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.
129.) Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.
130.) If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.
131.) I will not encourage the Holse Elves to form a union.
132.) Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall nonstop repeatedly will result in a detention.
133.) When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.
134.)Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.
135.) I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher. Nor will I attempt to stake Professor Snape.
136.) If I spot the Dark Mark I shall not shout 'Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HO!'
137.) Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die. (Is this Star Wars or The Princess Bride?)
138.) I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.
139.) Yelling 'To infinity and BEYOND!' was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.
140.) I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.
141.) Hogwarts is in theUK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
142.) Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.
143.) When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.
144.) Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.
145.) There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".
146.) Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.
147.) I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.
148.) I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.
149.) "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
150.) Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.
151.) I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
152.) I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show". That goes double for Voldemort.
153.) I'm not on Survivor, and therefore I'm not allowed to vote people out of the common room.
154.) It is not respectful to use a Polyjuice potion to become Lord Voldemort’s look-alike and glare at every person within three feet of me
155.) – Neither should I steal Harry Potters’ wand to complete the outfit
156.) It is not a good idea to teach Peeves pick-pocketing, lock-picking, or any similar thing
157.) – neither is it to convince him to join my side in return
158.) No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.
159.) I will stop telling tree-huggers to go visit the Whomping Willow.
160.) However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.
161.) I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.
162.) I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.
163.) I will not steal Veritaserum from Snape’s store and add some to the teachers’ morning tea.
164.) The phrase “Good dragon, nice dragon, please don’t kill me,” doesn't work.
165.) I must not point at Voldemort and say “I taught him everything he knows.”
166.) I will not tell Umbridge “Voldemort says, ‘Hi,’” every time I see her.
167.) I should not tell Cho Chang Cedric came to me in a dream and wanted me to tell her something, but I woke up before he did.
168.) I should not tell Umbridge that I have a doggie named “Fluffy” she would like to meet. But I will anyway.
169.) I will not say, “What’s the sitch?” into the Order’s two-way mirrors.
170.) A hug is not all Snape needs.
171.) I can not call Professor Snape “the Sheriff ofNottingham”.
172.) I will not enchant a scarecrow and suit of armor to skip through the halls singing, “We’re Off to See the Wizard”.
173.) I must not tell Umbridge that some centaurs have invited her to a party.
174.) I shall not tell Snape, “There is a thing called shampoo in the world.”
175.) I will not refer to Professer Dumbledore as ‘Tim the Enchanter’
176.) I must not yell “She-who-must-not-be-named is coming!” every time Umbidge walks down the hall.
177.) I shall not say, “I heard that if you hug Voldemort he won’t kill you,” to the first years.
178.) Professor McGonagall likes her milk in a glass, not a saucer.
179.) Wolf whistling at Lupin when he walks by is not funny.
180.) I must not bewitch the door to Professor Snape’s office so that it will only open if he says, “Business in front; party in the back!”
181.) When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, “There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you.”
182.) Dementors don’t like it when you walk up to them and ask if they are the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-To-Come.
183.) When someone pulls Godric Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat, I will not say, “You have acquired the Master Sword.”
184.) Saying, “Accio brooms” while first years are having flying lessons isn’t nice.
185.) I am not to ask, “Voldemort: boxers or briefs?”
186.) Mad-Eye Moody’s moto is “constant vigilance” not “custard pudding”.
187.) I do not have a Dalek patronus.
188.) I must not moon Professor Lupin. Even if his nickname is “Moony”.
189.) Voldemort’s nickname is NOT “Filthy Half-Blood”.
190.) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
192.) I will not go to class skyclad.
193.) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
194.) I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
195.) I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.
196.) I will not tye-dye all of the owls.
197.) I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.
198.) I am not a sloth Animagus.
199.) I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout “Long live Lord Voldemort!” because I think its funny.
200.) I will not kiss Trevor.
201.) I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
202.) Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.
203.) I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
204.) It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
205.) I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
206.) I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
207.) I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.
208.) If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
209.) Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.
210.) I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.
211.) Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.
212.) I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.
213.) I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.
214.) I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.
215.) -Or any other Slytherin.
216.) I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.
217.) I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
218.) -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.
219.) -I am not a Professor, at all.
220.) I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.
221.) -I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.
222.) -It was not an honest mistake.
223.) I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.
224.) I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.
225.) -Or the teacher laundry.
226.) Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.
227.) While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.
228.) I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.
229.) -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.
230.) Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labelled firewhiskey.
231.) -Charming the label does not change anything.
232.) I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.
233.) -Even if I brought enough for everyone.
234.) -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.
235.) Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.
236.) No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.
237.) Chemistry and Potions don't mix.
238.) -Testing this last is not funny.
239.) May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.
240.) The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
241.) I am not possessed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.
242.) -Neither is The Fat Lady.
243.) When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.
244.) -Especially if I can't.
245.) If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."
246.) Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
247.) Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".
248.) -Neither does he respond favourably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".
249.) Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.
250.) I am not authorised to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.
251.) -Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.
252.) Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.
253.) House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.
254.) It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal post-box.
255.) I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
256.) My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."
257.) Neville is not my valet.
258.) When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."
259.) First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
260.) House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.
261.) Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.
262.) There is no bring a muggle to school day.
263.) -And I should stop insisting there is.
264.) I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.
265.) I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's Homeboys."
266.) I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."
267.) I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie.
268.) -Even if it is a legitimate nickname.
269.) I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.
270.) I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.
271.) I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design.
272.) I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
273.) I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.
274.) I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.
275.) I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.
276.) I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.
277.) I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!" during Charms class.
278.) I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.
279.) I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother.
280.) I will not enchant the telescopes on theAstronomyTowerto display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.
281.) Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".
282.) I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".
283.) Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.
284.) I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and Shampoo for Christmas.
285.) I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.
286.) I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
287.) I will not die the Death Eaters robes pink.
288.) Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.
289.) Not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.
290.) I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again.
291.) I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.
292.) -Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.
293.) I may not have a private army.
294.) -Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.
295.) I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.
296.) "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
297.) Portable Swamps are not funny.
298.) Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.
299.) Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.
300.) Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.
301.) Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy; he does not need to be told... again.
302.) Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.
303.) Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.
304.) Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.
305.) Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.
306.) Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.
307.) My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.
308.) No part of the school uniform is edible.
309.) -Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.
310.) Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.
311.) Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
312.) -Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.
313.) -Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.
314.) Not allowed to prophesy the end of the world more than once.
315.) Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.
316.) -Especially not if I actually have them.
317.) Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.
318.) -Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.
319.) Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.
320.) Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.
321.) Will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.
322.) I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.
323.) I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.
324.) -Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.
325.) Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.
326.) Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.
327.) I may not challenge prefects to meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.
328.) I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.
329.) I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.
330.) I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.
331.) -Even if my prefect did it.
332.) I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.
333.) Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.
334.) Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.
335.) I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl.
336.) - Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through.
337.) - The same goes for Hermione.
338.) I will not use invisibility charms on anyone's clothing.
339.) It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing.
340.) The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.
341.) I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on theAstronomyTower.
342.) - Likewise the satellite dish.
343.) The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin boys if they've mastered it yet.
344.) The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
345.) I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.
346.) I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.
347.) Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.
348.) I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.
349.) I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'
350.) I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.
351.) - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.
352.) -Especially not with kazoos.
353.) The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.
354.) I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... GOT... THE... POWER!'
355.) I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.
356.) Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.
357.) I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.
358.) -Or Wicca.
359.) -This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.
360.) I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.
361.) -Or the referee.
362.) I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.
363.) I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.
364.) -I will not give people Veritaserum.
365.) Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
366.) -Neither is Professor Snape.
367.) The house elves are not there to do my homework.
368.) -Neither are the ghosts.
369.) I am not a magical creature.
370.) I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.
371.) I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.
372.) Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.
373.) I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.
374.) Grindewald is not my role model.
375.) -Neither is Voldemort.
376.) I will not cast 'Petrificus Totalus' on myself in order to avoid going to classes.
377.) I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.
378.) I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.
379.) "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.
380.) I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.
381.) I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.
382.) Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".
383.) Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.
384.) Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.
385.) Providing Peeves with a case of dung bombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.
386.) Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.
387.) Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.
388.) -Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.
389.) -Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".
390.) Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.
391.) Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.
392.) "OMGWTF" is not a spell.
393.) Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale.
394.) Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.
395.) I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.
396.) "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.
397.) The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".
398.) I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.
399.) I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.
400.) I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.
401.) -Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile
402.) I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.
403.) I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.
404.) Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.
405.) Please do not tell 1st years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.
406.) I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.
407.) I will not tell 1st year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.
408.) Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.
409.) Please stop telling 1st years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.
410.) I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.
411.) I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.
412.) Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.
413.) -Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.
414.) Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.
415.) Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.
416.) -Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.
417.) The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.
418.) Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.
419.) Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.
420.) -So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.
421.) I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.
422.) Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.
423.) Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible.
424.) Robes are not optional.
425.) Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
426.) There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".
427.) -Even if I do conjure him up.
428.) Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.
429.) I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.
430.) -Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.
431.) -Or "Eight is Enough".
432.) Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.
433.) I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.
434.) Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.
435.) -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.
436.) Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.
437.) -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."
438.) I am not a Balrog animagus.
439.) The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.
440.) I will not ask people what their demons are.
441.) I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.
442.) I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.
443.) I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.
444.) It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.
445.) Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.
446.) -Neither is Dracula.
447.) I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.
448.) If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.
449.) Using the 'Petrificus Totalus' curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.
440.) -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.
441.) -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.
442.) I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.
443.) -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".
444.) I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.
445.) I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
446.) I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"
447.) I will not give Hagrid Pokmon cards and convince him that they are real animals
448.) -Likewise, I will not tell First Year Muggle-borns that Pokmon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum
449.) Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".
450.) Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.
451.) "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
452.) The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.
455.) The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror.
456.) -Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.
457.) -Especially if he's wearing it.
458.) Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.
459.) Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.
460.) I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.
461.) The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".
462.) -Even if that is an accurate description.
463.) No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.
464.) -This goes double for superglue.
465.) I am not to dance naked in the great hall.
466.) -Or on the grounds.
467.) -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.
468.) I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet.
469.) The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.
470.) I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.
471.) I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.
472.) - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.
473.) I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.
474.) Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'
475.) -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'
476.) Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'
477.) Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them 'With Love, Draco Malfoy' is not appropriate.
478.) -Neither is signing them with: 'I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.'.
479.) Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.
480.) -Especially if the song is 'I feel pretty, oh so pretty'.
481.) -Or 'I'm too sexy'.
482.) I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"
483.) Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.
484.) I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.
485.) -Especially if it's not true.
486.) -I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter.
487.) -Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details
488.) A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.
489.) -Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.
490.) -Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.
491.) Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.
492.) Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.
493.) Dont tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".
494.) I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting.
495.) -Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.
496.) -Or Harry and Draco.
497.) Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.
498.) Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.
499.) Using Love potion number nine on people are illegal. Therefore I should not make Harry fall in love with Pansy Parkinson. Again.
500.) I will not wear my 'I'm a Death Eater and Proud Of IT!' shirt at school
501.) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween
502.) -Or a Death Eater
503.) -Or Professor Snape
504.) -Or Harry Potter
505.) -Or Herimone when she turned into a cat
506.) -Or Draco Malfoy and claim I'm a vampire
507.) -I'm not allowed to dress up on Halloween
508.) I will not put Harry & Draco in a closet together and see if freaking gay sex occurs
509.) In Divinations Class, I'm not allowed to say I predicted that Snape is going kill Neville, no matter how funny Neville's girl screams are.
510.) Fortune Cookies to not count as extra credit in Divinations Class
511.) -That also counts for tarot cards
512.) At End-of-the-year-battle against Voldemort, I will not go up to Harry and say "May the Force be with you"
25 REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught t me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
YOUR GUY SIDE:
You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/chapstick.
1st day of school: I'm so excited!
1 week later: When are the holidays?
Hey, did you do the homework?" "WAIT, WE HAD HOMEWORK?!"
FEELS like 20 minutes have gone by in class. It's ONLY been 2
If there's a fire at school, who's actually gonna stay quiet and walk? (we ALL agree on this...)
"Is there something you would like to share with the class?" No, that's why I'm whispering...
copy and paste this if your one of these students!!
Things to think about!
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that little indestructible black box is?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
So what's the speed of dark? How come abbreviated is such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a Train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Should women put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Why can't you find fresh sardines in the fish market?
Why do so many old people eat at cafeterias?
Why does an "X" stand for a kiss?
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
copy and paste this on your profile if you got a thought outta' this
Female come backs
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
If you repost this you will get a phone call 37 minutes after you repost
GIRLS REPOST THIS AS "female comebacks"
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...
Post this on your profile to make someone smile!
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
1. You talk to yourself a lot. (e.g. Hmm, what would happen if it was sunny the day Bella got hit by the van? Oh, story idea!! Must get computer!)
2. You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')
3. When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')
4. After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
5. You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
6. You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
7. When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
8. No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
9. The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. (once a key actually fell off!)
10. You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
11. You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason.
12.Your friends stopped looking at you funny for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
13. And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101. (He he he... oops)
(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)
42 things to do in an elevator!!
1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
41. IF you are the only one in the elevator, press all of the buttons and stand, staring at the door, waiting for someone to come.
42. LAUGH maniacally whenever anyone looks at you and say you're here for the mental health convention.
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Girl: Do you like me?
Girl: Do you want me?
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Girl: Would you live for me?
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Girl: Choose--me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind. The reason why I don't like you is because I love you. The reason I don't want you is because I need you. The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left. The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you. The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you. The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.
Pass the ribbon around if you know someone that has SURVIVED, died, or is LIVING WITH cancer! it's died for me. :( I miss you!!
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
When you rearrange the letters:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
When you rearrange the letters:
Unsafe External Link