Author has written 1 story for Naruto, and One Piece.
Likes: Sleep, eating, reading, rap music, fantasy, writing, and the smooth ear sex that is Frank Ocean.
Loves: Reviews, even 2-3 is enough to make me happy.
Doesn't Like: NaruHina. That's.. about it.
Honorary Member of The Book of Log.
If you worship the holyness that is the log, copy and paste this section onto your profile... although you may want to change the comments
Position: Log Priest
Possible Book of Log Positons:
Log Worshipper: Beginning position. No requirements
Log Priest: You have created at least 1 Naruto related fanfic that frequently (every 2-4 chapers) praises the almighty log and actually fits into the story
Log Pope (there can be more than 1 pope... its safer that way): you have created 3 naruto related fanfics that frequently praise the almighty log
OR the Fanfic that already occasionally praises the log has at least 400 reviews
OR you create a (decently made) Naruto fanfic focused on praising the log... log forbid.
Excerpt of the log number 124: when using the log to escape a fire jutsu, it is konoha custom to write an apology letter to the log, and depending on rank of jutsu escaped from depicts how many words are needed. c-rank, two thousand, B-rank, one thousand five hundred, a-rank, one thousand. only S-rank and higher or excused from the writing of the letter. even then, it is still reccommended.
Log excerpt number 231: if konoha shinobi celebrate the holiday of Christmas, then it is required that they put gifts under the Christmas log. Use of a full tree is an insult to the log and if found out that shinobi is uneligible from using the log for a period of two months.
Log excerpt number 437: Use of the log in a situation that clearly could be avoided using a variety of other methods or techniques is looked down upon. In order to repent for such actions, the following steps should be taken:
For every dent caused by your replacement you shall plant one sapling.
For every stab wound caused by your replacement you shall plant five
For every hole in the log caused by your replacement you shall plant ten
For every detached piece of the log caused by your replacement you shall
For a destroyed and unusable log caused by your replacement you shall plant
If your log is defective you may call 1-800-BAD-LOGS to file a complaint. If
'and the willow sayeth unto the ninja: wherefore dost i weep? 'tis tears of joy, as thy kin and mine together fell thine foes, who would bring the axe and torch to the wood. the log ist thine ally, and mine kin. calling upon the log, is to call upon me. to aid thee in battle, i weep my tear of joy.
'as the log takes your place, you become the log. the log becomes you. for a moment, you are an extension of the logs blessing unto ninja.'
'you are fools! your log is but a mockery of the power of ninja!- the ninja from the desert declared. and the people shook their heads.
'and as the smoke cleared, his foe stared in awe at the log. blackened and charred, the log crumbled. the ninja, filled with righteous wrath, fell upon his foe and slew him. he made his way to the log, and wept. his companion, the log that had accompanied him through so many battles, was no more. he spoke thus to his fallen companion: though now you have fallen in battle, you rest where the logs forever grow. the forest of life called for you, and you answered its call, as you did mine. i thank you my friend.'
'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.
'the log took his place and fell, forever into the abyss. the people, hearing of this, railed against him, in such numbers he swore to never endanger another log again. for many years, he fought without the log, growing more and more weary with each passing day. finally, he came across a foe that was too strong for him. as his life was about to end, he felt a familiar pull, and found himself out of harms way, seeing a log in his place. his stunned foe was felled in his stupor, and he approached the log, he knew it, for it was the same that fell so long ago. he asked of the log: why did you endanger yourself for me again? have you not done enough for me? and the log spoke: it is my duty, and our bond. we exist to save the ninja, and they exist to save the trees. we both play a part, for which i am content.'
Let it be known that it is absolutely forbidden to willingly perform the technique known as "1000 years of death" on a log. It is also equally frowned upon for one to replace oneself with a holy log for the purpose of avoiding said technique. The punishment for such actions is at least 6 months of banishment from the use of the holy log.
Once again. Praise the Log. It will always be there for everyone... Except Sasuke.
This guy is probably like, my favorite author ever. So read his rules, and learn, and soon. You too shall be one of his loyal subjects.
Kenchi618's Rules of Naruto Fanfiction
1. Naruto must know some kind of replication technique, preferably the tried and true Kage Bunshin technique. Why you ask? Because it wouldn't be Naruto without three dozen blonde kids running amok on a regular basis.
2. Being a smart-ass is recommended. He doesn't necessarily have to be smart, but his mouth should be. Naruto, in essence, is a hot-head with no tact that shoots his mouth off and pisses off the wrong people, invariably drawing them into his world, for better or for worse. Since the story will probably revolve around him ANYWAY, you might as well make it so that what he has to say is hella entertaining, it makes the whole experience much better.
3. He must have some kind of weakness, even in the super-fics. Who wants to see good things happen all the time? If nothing but good things go on, then the good will become watered down and not very significant at all. He needs to be able to be beaten somehow, someway there has to be something about him that enemies can take advantage of. Naruto's the underdog, that's his appeal and that is why he is beloved. Haven't you people ever seen Rudy!?
4. Pissing off your readers is a double-edged sword. If it's a damn good cliffhanger, or something that sets up an antagonist for future comeuppance then great, fire away! As long as the pay-off is well worth it then that is what the creative process is all about. However, if you just delight in butchering whatever integrity the original storyline had and the amount of flames you get is equal to 1/4 of your entire review count then there is something seriously wrong.
5. NO FREAKIN' YAOI!! None! Now I'm not homophobic, I'm actually very chill with gay people, one of the coolest guys I know is gay, to each their own I always say. But I will not fucking read anything that even has the possibility of dude-on-dude action, fuck that shit, I have enough nightmares. Now since I'm a dude, yuri, maybe, but don't go overboard with it. Remember: Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should, and just because you should do something doesn't mean you will.
6. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you want reviews then fucking review on the stories of others. If you like a story, tell the writer what you like. If you don't like it, tell them what you don't like or you think could be improved. It's common courtesy damn it! A decent review takes one minute max, because you have an well thought out opinion by the time you finish reading, so share the love.
7. Grammar and punctuation are actually very fucking important. If I read a story that I could've written better in the third grade then that is a problem. It really takes away from the story, it truly does. You can have a kick-ass premise and a great plot all set out, if you type a like second grade remedial english student then I won't read it damn it. Come on! You go through thirteen years of public school and learn how to write properly for a reason, because shitty writing pisses people off! No text writing either. Slang is okay, as long it is coherent and most know what the fuck you just wrote then by all means go forth. Even good grammar and spelling in your story summary can be the difference between hits and reviews, trust me.
8. Bashing is okay... to an extent. If the entire point of your story is to just shit all over certain characters and make another look like God's gift to the world then you can do that, but you won't be getting many thumbs up for your masterful storytelling. Be justifiable and flexible on your bashing, because just like in real life, things can change easily.
9. Listen to the people. Yes, it is your story, that's cool. And in the end whatever happens is up to you. I'm not saying let them plan out the plot or anything, although if you're lazy then go for it. I'm saying that if enough people say something, like a certain thing sucks, or they talk about something that you didn't or can't explain, address it and/or try to fix it. If you are anything like me then reader response is like crack, showing you don't care is basically saying 'fuck this story' and that will not end well.
10. OC's are not God! OC's cannot do everything! They can fix stuff, yes! They can train people up, yes! They can be potential pairings, again, yes! But OC's cannot fix everything. If the fucking Hokage can't make Naruto's life much better then how can some random guy from Jack-fuckistan come in one day and fix everything? He can improve on things, like Naruto's skill level, and his relationships with people, even his intelligence and standard of living, but a full-on upswing is IMPOSSIBLE for one person... That was more of a rant than anything...
11. Have extensive knowledge about the subject you are writing on. It really helps the quality of your work if you know what the hell you're writing about in the first place. For example, don't attempt crossovers if you don't have equal knowledge of all elements being used for the story. Either know what's going on, or have one hell of a reference tool at your disposal... as a matter of fact, you should have that at hand regardless because people tend to forget/overlook shit.
This can and probably will be manipulated over time being that I own this shit, however if anyone agrees with these than feel free to use it. Give me credit, and have at it I guess.
TIME TO RANT!
Naru/Hina: God I hate this pairing! Just because she likes Naruto in cannon doesn't mean they are made for each other! I apologize to you Naru/Hina lovers this is my least favorite pairing of all time.
First: She stalks him so that means she has got to have seen the villagers treatment to him and what did she do? Nothing! She just kept her distance and left Naruto be insulted and sneered. She didn't even make an attempt to befriend him when he needed friends the most! She didn't even defended him when he was laughed at! She just watched him! Naruto didn't need this Pussy's Pussy, he needed a friend, and she was so self centered in her own little freaky fantasies which involve Naruto bending her over a ramen bowl, that she didn't even help him.
Even Fan-girls are better than that! you heard me, FAN-GIRLS! (Shakes with rage) When someone pisses off Sasuke, or makes fun of him *cough*Naruto*cough, his fan girls fucking whip the shit out of that person. Heck, you could make a bad comment on Sasuke's haircut and they will kill you. Yet, Naruto is in hell, and Hinata can't fucking do anything other than stalk him and think about how pathetic she is.
Second: She is such a little bitch! Naru/Hina reminds me too much of Ichi/Hime from bleach. She and Orihime are too god damn similar for my tastes. They both waste parts of chapters, whining about how weak they are, where I could be watching someone fight! The only difference is that Orihime has something that she can do! She can heal everyone in a split seconds. AND SHE'S FUCKING SEXYMAZING! Hinata can just peep under Naruto's pants with her Byakugan and hide her melons under her shirt. At least Orihime is good eye candy!
She makes me support Naru/Saku like I support Ichi/Ruki. I hate Naru/Saku and Ichi/Ruki, but Rukia and Sakura are very direct people. While Hinata and Orihime spend all day crying, and maybe stand up for their love once every FOUR HUNDRED CHAPTERS, Rukia and Sakura see someone fucking with Ichigo or Rukia, and they will knock the shit out of that bitch, and if they're too weak, they will curse that guy's ass out. I hate Sakura and Rukia, but in Canon, it's either Sakura or Hinata, and truthfully, I choose the lesser of two bitches.
Third: First off, this pairing is used so fucking much that the only pairing that seems to be more popular is Naru/Sasu (We're not even going to get into this pairing, lest i end up choking on my own vomit). So many people use this pairing, not only is this pairing overused but the stories often suck. I mean really truly suck, I have rarely ever seen this pairing done right. When people have Naruto and Hinata paired together it usually goes something like this:
Naruto was wandering around Konoha in uncertainty, today was the chuunin exams and he was no longer sure whether he could beat Neji (Please note that this is just an example the Naru/Hina story can be anywhere from this to before or after he leaves for his three year training trip or any other time).
He soon found himself in one of Konoha's many training grounds, he soon heard the sound of flesh on wood. following the source of the sound he found Hinata, as he watched her the blond noticed how truly beautiful she looked (Naru/Hina stories tend to disregard the fact that Naruto had been crushing on Sakura for nearly six years).
"Hinata?" Naruto asks unsurely, getting the girl to 'eep!' and whirl around.
"N-N-N-Naruto-k-k-k-kun!" Hinata squeaks as she looks at the ground and pokes her fingers together. Naruto finds this extremely cute (despite the fact that he has no doubt seen this every day he was at the academy, its somehow cute now).
They talk for awhile and Hinata manages to lift his spirits. "Thanks Hinata-chan i needed that!" Naruto says in his typical cheerful voice. (We're going to forgo the fact that he only ever called Sakura, -chan)
Hinata gulps as she realizes that she needs to tell Naruto how she feels about him, somehow she manages to gather her mouse like courage and not pass out. "N-N-N-Naruto-K-k-k-kun," She sttuters, getting the blonds attention.
Naruto tilts his head to the side in curiosity, "what is it Hinata-chan?"
"ILOVEYOU!" she blurts out almost too fast for the human mind to comprehend.
Naruto stares at her blankly for a second before smiling, "you know what Hinata-chan! I love you too! I mean sure I had this major crush on Sakura and the only thing I ever thought before this when I looked at you was 'she's this dark and weird girl' but now that i know you love me i love you too!"
"N-N-Naruto-k-k-k-un," Hinata says as they close in and share their first kiss.
End terrible Naru/Hina story example.
This is not only completely unrealistic, but absolutely god awful character development. People do not just fall in love like that, it makes no sense and makes the story suck. It's even worse in the ones where Naruto leaves at a young age, comes back a completely different person and somehow they still get together. The only and i mean ONLY reason Hinata ever loved naruto was because he was like her, considered a complete and utter failure, but unlike her Never gave up. He was, in a way like a drug for her, without him she was simply nothing hence the reason she stalked him so long. If Naruto never went to the academy, she would never love him, because he was never there to lift her spirits. Likewise if Naruto was a different person, say he was more like his father then his mother she would not love him because he would not have that loud attitude, and i doubt that he would be dead last (even if you had teachers who try to sabotage him in your fics, he would simply find a way around it).
Fourth- Next she is the heiress of the Hyuuga clan, the Hyuuga clan is a clan that inbreeds to keep their Byakugan within their family (otherwise they would not so religiously guard it). Hinata as the heiress would never be aloud to marry someone outside of the clan, even if Naruto's heritage was known from the beginning. Even if Hinata was put in the branch house she would not be allowed to marry outside the clan or her husband from outside the clan would have to become part of the clan, and I'm pretty sure Naruto's not going to give up his duty as the Last of the Uzumaki(I smell harem!) and he is the Namikaze heir. The only way this would be possible was if Hiashi disowned her, got rid of her ability to produce children (or at least children with the Byakugan) and despite fanfics that say otherwise he does love her, he just pushed her to try and make her stronger (otherwise he would never have started retraining her after the chunin exams).
Fifth- The last and most important reason why I despise this pairing is that Hinata does NOT LOVE NARUTO! Does she respect him? yes. Does she look up to him? yes! Does she feel drawn to him? YES! does she love him? No. How can you love someone without knowing them. All Hinata knows is that he never gives up, that he loves ramen and that (in canon) he wears orange since that is all she wanted to see and two of those things everyone knows (She also knows where he lives and trains, and probably the fact that his life sucks, but that's just because she's a stalker). My point being she is not in love, she has mistaken admiration for love because he is what she wants to be and feels that by being near him she can be more like him.
That is why I hate this pairing. Now please to not take this like I hate Hinata herself, I have no problem with her it's just this pairing that i can't stand. In fact in the entire Naruto fanfic network I have only ever found one I will ever read. its called A Mother's Love by Lord Of The Land Of Fire and is an excellent piece of written literature that actually makes a realistic view on how their relationship can work (and even then this fic, Naruto also Marries Yugito whom I love).
There's a lot of other shit, but I'm too agitated at the moment. I can speak to you for hours about how much I hate Hinata.
Second Rant- I hate stories that start with Naruto getting chased by a mob, and then suddenly gets training from the most powerful person in the world, who isn't even a ninja. Then he leaves the village, comes back... And well. Just read this and you'll understand.
Step One: Naruto is being chased by an angry mob even though he's only three years old (barly old enough to wipe his own ass) and living alone for some reason.
Step Two: He trips and/or reaches a dead end (oh noooo's) and they procede to inflict grevous, crippling, and all around over exaggerated unsurvivable wounds.
Step Three: After ten minutes of stabbing and beating (Which miraculously avoided his vitals) someone comes in to inflict the the final blows at the crowds jeering.
Step Four: In a 'thrilling' and 'suspenseful' moment a giant war-hammer is swung down on Naruto, only to be stopped an inch from his head by token superhero #25.
Step Five: Token superhero #25 yells at crowd. "WHAT ARE DO DOING TO TO THIS POOR BOY?!," crowd replies. "KILLING THE DEMON!" or the like. Slaughter ensues.
Step Six: Sarutobi and an Anbu squad show up. (perfect timing) Hokage confronts token superhero #25. "WHO ARE YOU?!" hero responds. "I'm super awesome-man! (Relation to Naruto's parents optional) Now why are your villagers attacking this poor boy?"
Step Seven: The Hokage proceeds to break his own law and tells to complete strangers Narutos life story, much to their outrage.
Step Eight: Token superhero #25 says he's taking the boy away to train him. Sarutobi agrees immendiatly without arguement, but pleads for them to return for the Genins exams. #25 agrees. (The fact that he agreed to bring the kid back to a place that delivered a massive beating to a three year old didn't seem to bother him.)
Step Nine: Naruto wakes up after the ten minute conversation completely healed, energetic, and with enough brain damage to forgive the entire ordeal. (Apparently he's Jesus, filled with infinate forgiveness for the unforgivable)
Step Ten: They fill Naruto in on the details and he begs to be able to come back to be Hokage. (a three year old can comprehend that... how?) and the duo is off.
Step Eleven: Time skip. Naruto returns, covered in trench coats and pictures of foxes. (throwing all stigmas to the wind).
Step Twelve: Meets Hokage and dishes out all his skills in painful detail. (Throwing all ninja sense to the wind.) Assigned to go to the academy, which happens to be having its exam that day.
Step Thirteen: Shows off dramarically for the test and remainder of story, powning everyone but Orochimaru in the Forest of death(and sometimes even reveals a hidden trump card that would have killed Orochimaru easily, but had some extremely stupid reason not too, and instead uses it on Gaara, but that's just my observation).
Step Foreteen: Falls in love with Hinata?!
Props to Silent Master for his well thought out and reasoned rant (claps)
Third Rant- Jinchuriki. Can anyone say underpowered? I hate how Kishimoto has given these Jinchuriki so little power! It's so god damn annoying! They contain the mighty Bijuu! Mass beasts of chakra, corruption, (insert optional element here) and bloodlust! They should be way more powerful when using the Demon chakra!
First: These Bijuu are supposed to be the epitome of destruction, power and chakra. They have power that surpasses all Shinobi, except for a select few, such as The Rikudo Sennin, Uchiha Madara, and Senju Harishima. Even Namikaze Minato, the Yondaime Hokage, someone who could destroy an army of Jonin level Shinobi in a matter of seconds, someone who could be referred to as the Greatest Ninja ever born, could not defeat the Nine Tails!
So what? Some people could argue that being sealed into humans have weakened them. But! It's been stated that the Beasts can not use their own power to their full potential because of the lack of intellegence and over reliance on instinct, and that with the knowledge of humans, the beasts powers could be used more effectively. Yet in the series, Jinchuriki have been so underpowered! It's so annoying!
Half the fights where Naruto uses the Kyuubi seem stupid to me. He kept adding more and more tails on people he didn't need to! Most of them completely sucked and only one or two made any god damn sense.
Naruto VS. Haku: This one is one of the ones that makes sense. He didn't need a tail of chakra to get rid of someone who couldn't hurt Sasuke anymore just because of a half ass Sharingan! Just a small amount of chakra was good enough to get rid of Haku.
Naruto VS. Orochimaru: When Naruto went into the normal state when he pulls on a bit of chakra against Orochimaru, it was accurate. With only that small amount Naruto couldn't beat a Kage level ninja so it makes sense. But I think Naruto should have got a hit or two on Orochimaru.
Naruto VS. Neji: This one did not fucking make sense. Not in any way at all. Naruto pulled out as much as he did on Haku, a Jonin Level Ninja by the way, and maybe even a bit more. But he couldn't beat Neji immediately with it? I call bullshit!
Naruto VS. Gaara: Okay, this one doesn't really count. Naruto just needed the chakra to summon Gamabunta and to break out of the sand. He didn't really use it except for that one punch. But Shukaku's wind ball should have wiped out part of the forest and shredded Gamabunta.
Naruto VS. Sasuke: I CALL TOTAL BULLSHIT ON THIS ONE! MOTHERFUCKING STUPID ASS KISHIMOTO! (Goes into Seizure) NO! THIS ONE IS COMPLETELY RETARDED! NO FUCK YOU KISHIMOTO YOU FUCKING SASUKE FAN BOY! AHHHHH! If this fight hadn't shown Naruto's cool chakra cloak, I'd be beating the shit out of Kishimoto-teme.
First of all, I found it completely stupid that Sasuke was able to easily beat Naruto into the ground just because he got another tomoe in his plot-destroying eyes. I found that completely stupid. Out of the genin, only Lee should have been able to do that! And he probably would have needed one or two gates to do it that easily! So that was fucking bullshit.
No, but that's not what pissed me off. No, I could have lived with that. What I find completely stupid was that Sasuke could match Naruto's one tailed form with the second level of the cursed seal... GOD FUCKING DAMN YOU KISHIMOTO FOR FALLING IN LOVE WITH ONE OF YOUR CREATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But the chakra arm thing was awesome. And purple is my favorite color so the the Demon Rasengan was completely fucking awesome.