Author has written 1 story for Harry Potter.
I like books. Probably more than is healthy to be completely honest. In fact, it's probably the reason I'm so anti-social. Eh, who needs sheeple...uhh I mean people. I read so much I've lost count of how many I've read and reread numerous times. Harry Potter, The Dresden Files, The Darkest Minds, Artemis Fowl, Percy Jackson, Inheritance Cycle, Five Hundred Kingdoms... I could go on and on, but I won't bore you with the little things. I have a lot of unfinished fanfiction sitting in my google drive just waiting for my muses to waltz back in but they seem to have up and left me with my half-baked ideas of world domination...whoops I mean half-completed fanfiction ideas. Anyways, moving on. I've got one of those kinda long profiles but nothing that scrolling fast or hitting the space a few times can't cure (depending on the size of your font for some of us blind folks). And of course there's always that helpful "hide bio" button there at the top.
Funny 'Wow, really?' moments:
Amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
I used to be normal, until I met those freaks I now call my best friends.
Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends," is like your dog dying, and your mom saying you can keep it.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Never knock on Deaths door. Ring the doorbell and run away; he hates that.
The trouble with alarm clocks is that they always go off when you're asleep.
My favorite word is sarcasm.
Hippopotomonstrousaequipodaliophobic - Fear of long words.
My best friends are the kind that if my house were on fire, they'd be roasting marshmallows and flirting with the firemen.
Tell the truth and run.
Friends come and go while enemies never do; they just multiply like gremlins in an olympic sized swimming pool.
Be insane- well behaved people never made history.
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that thing up in two seconds. When I play Rock, Paper, Scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!"
"Sir, we're surrounded!" "Excellent, we can attack in any direction!"
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
Tell your children over dinner; "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
Therapist = The/rapist . . . Scary thought.
God created man before woman because every masterpiece needs a rough draft.
MENtal pain, MENtal anxiety, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... all our problems start with men!
I only know how to do things three ways: the right way, the wrong way, and my way... which is the wrong way only faster.
To catch me you got to be fast, to find me you got to be smart, but to be me? Damn you must be kidding...
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty and so is your head.
Have you ever considered suing your brain for non-support?
Who was so mean to put an "s" in the word "lisp" if people with lisps can't say the "s"?
Doctors say TV is bad for us, but why is there a TV in every hospital room?
If McDonald's loves to see you smile, why do they screw up your order?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If con is the opposite of pro is Congress the opposite of progress?
If Cinderella's shoe was a perfect fit, why did it fall off?
Donald Duck never wears pants, but why does he wraps a towel around his waist when he gets out of the shower?
"Oh crap she's a morning person."
"It's like road kill; you want to look away but you can't."
"I guess being smart and having opinions freaked guys out."
"I had last watched this movie doped up on vikidin; fun experience, let me tell you."
"Are you seriously telling me in that freaking utility belt, you don't have something useful?"
"I don't want to get into a religious arguement, but my God can kick your God's ass."
"Hi, can I come in? I'm already in, so say yes."
"He knew I had little experience with alcohol, or maybe it was because I was still so young. Eighteen is not the age to be consuming the stuff, or so the experts say. Maybe they're just a bunch of fat, old drunks who want it all for themselves, so they make it illegal for us kids to drink it. Greedy bastards."
20 fun things to do @ WalMart
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in Housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go up to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping dept. and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding dept..
8. When a desk clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?".
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror. And pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting dept., ask the clerk if he knows where in anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. In the auto dept., practice your 'Madonna Look' using different funnels.
13. Hid in a clothing rack, and when people browse through it, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!".
14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream... "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!".
15. Go into a fitting room and wait a while, and then yell, very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!".
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle, shouting, "Go, Pikachu, GO!".
17. If you can, write 'I see dead people...' on all the typewriters.
18. Unwrap all the chocolate bars, saying, "I've got to find that golden ticket.".
19. Put a Dora the Explorer doll in the middle of the store, and if someone tries to pick it up, jump out and say, "SWIPER NO SWIPING!". But remember, you have to do it 3 times.
20. Throw Skittles at people and shout, "Taste the Rainbow!".
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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana
7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
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Things to do on an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
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25 THINGS (PLUS 1) I MUST NOT DO AT HOGWARTS AGAIN:
1. I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.
2. Dobby is NOT Yoda is disguise.
3. He is NOT Gollum either.
4. I will NOT bring a magic-8-ball to Divination Class.
5. My homework was NOT eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin.
6. I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow.
7. I will NOT give Lupin a flea collar.
8. Nor will I leave dog-biscuits on his desk.
9. If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
10. Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept.
11. I do NOT have a Dalek Patronus.
12. I will NOT teach House-Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks.
13. Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom.
14. I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”.
15. “Springtime for Voldemort” is NOT an appropriate title for the school production.
16. I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”.
17. I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.
18. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
19. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
20. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony."
21. No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office. (scratch office, leave it on her desk!?)
22. I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.
23. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling.
24. I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas.
25. I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”.
26. I will NOT tell Draco Malfoy to 'make like a ferret and bounce'
28. I will NOT go around and say that Seamus stole me Lucky Charms.
29. I will NOT joke about Remus Lupin's time of the month.
30. I will NOT wander in the corridors at night under the invisibility cloak singing the Pink Panther theme just to see what Filch does.
31. I will NOT buy Professor McGonagall cat food.
32. 'Ruling the world with an evil army of monkeys' is not a proper career choice.
33. Yelling "I'm Melting!" while in the showers is frowned apon, and it may scare some of the first years
34. The four houses of Hogwarts are: Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Not the Awesomes, the Morons, the Smarts, and the Mini-Death Eaters.
35. Dumbledore is to be addressed as Headmaster, or Sir. Not as 'Dude', 'Santa', or even 'Dumbles'.
36. Ruling the world with an army of evil flying monkeys is not a proper job choice.
Leaves from the vine,
Falling so slow,
Like fragile, tiny shells,
Drifting in the foam,
Little soldier boy,
Comes marching home,
Brave soldier boy,
Come marching home.
Rest In Peace
12/10/1933 - 7/12/2006
Fanfiction: Because 87% of all original endings suck.
Fanfiction: Because 95% of all plot twists are either predictable or stupid.
Fanfiction: Because my favourite characters always die.
Fanfiction: Because sometimes evil deserves to win.
Fanfiction: Because sometimes authors just don't know which of their own characters go together best.
Fanfiction: Because most authors aren't willing to write multiple versions of their stories just so we can see every possibility that arises.
Fanfiction: Because all stories shouldn't have an ending; there should always be another adventure.
Fanfiction: Because sometimes there's no one your age and gender who you can relate to.
Fanfiction: Because sometimes you want to be in that story yourself.
Fanfiction: Because sometimes you have no other way to express the ideas in your head.
Fanfiction: Because it's an escape.
I just wish to say this now.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the stories that I have written that are not my original idea.
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