Author has written 9 stories for 9, Codename: Kids Next Door, Pucca, and Naruto.
Name: Diana Mae Gonzalez
Favorite shows and movies: 9, KND, Phineas and Ferb, Pucca, Naruto
B-day: Jan 15
Annoying things to do in a...
1. Run up to a complete stranger and say "You're it!"
2. Sample all the fragrances in the perfume department.
3. Switch the men’s and women’s signs on the doors of the restroom.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code
3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
5. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc.
See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
6. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow
7. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he
knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
8. Ask if you can buy a shopping cart.
9. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
10. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman.
Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
1. Place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across
2. Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an
elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your
3. End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".
4. Hand your paper in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different
countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.
5. If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper
because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just
illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write
about whether or not the paper actually exists.
6. Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that
was all the paper you had.
7. Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary
sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.
8. When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the
middle and see if the professor notices.
9. When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of
paper you typed it on and hand it in.
10. Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used
nunchakus or katanas.
1. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
2. Ask, “did you hear that cable snapping sound?”
3. Call out, “Group hug!” and enforce it.
4. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
5. Challenge people to games of hide-and-seek.
6. Do Tai Chi exercises.
7. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers
that this is your “personal space.”
8. Give each passenger a round of applause as they enter or leave.
9. Give people lectures about the periodic table of elements
10. Hum the theme from Mission Impossible with yours eyes darting around the
11. Leave a box in a corner, and when someone gets on, ask if they hear something
12. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
13. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
14. Move your desk in to the elevator, and whenever someone gets on, ask if they
have an appointment.
15. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
16. Open a lemonade stand.
17. Place police tape (CRIME SCENE DO NOT CROSS) on the inside of the doors.
18. Preach about the end of the world.
19. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock.
20. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
21. Say, while holding a paper with OUT OF ORDER written on it, “I wonder why this
was glued on the door when I came in.”
22. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
23. Tell the passengers not to worry. The bomb won't go off for at least another two
24. Wear a Santa suit...in June.
25. When the elevator doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay, don’t panic,
they’ll open again.”
1. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland.
Charge everyone 15 each.
2. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
3. Email your boss the message: I know what you did last vacation. Encourage your
colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
4. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with
5. Hang mistletoe over your desk.
6. Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places.
7. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
8. Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
9. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their
caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
10. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all
11. Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For
example "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
12. Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
13. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
14. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
15. Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
1. Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.
2. Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.
3. Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.
4. Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.
5. Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS!
MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.
6. Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.
7. At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.
8. Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.
9. When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.
10. Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.
Ways to annoy Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you
think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
3. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to
remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
5. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives,
show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the
scene of the crime."
6. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
7. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
8. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go
outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
9. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear
and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
10. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
11. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out
on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten
12. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This
neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
13. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it,
and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
14. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says,
"For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a
few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. :("
15. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
Lawyer: "Was that the same nose you broke as a child?"
Witness: "I only have one, you know."
Lawyer: "Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Lawyer: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Lawyer: "What is your date of birth?"
Witness: "July 15th."
Lawyer: "What year?"
Witness: "Every year."
Accused, Defending His Own Case: "Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?"
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
Lawyer: "Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?"
Witness: "No. He was wearing a mask."
Lawyer: "What was he wearing under the mask?"
Witness: "Er...his face."
Lawyer: "This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?"
Lawyer: "And in what ways does it affect your memory?"
Witness: "I forget."
Lawyer: "You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"
Lawyer: "How old is your son, the one living with you?"
Witness: "Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which."
Lawyer: "How long has he lived with you?"
Witness: "Forty-five years."
Lawyer: "What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?"
Witness: "He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'"
Lawyer: "And why did that upset you?"
Witness: "My name is Susan."
Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Lawyer: "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
Lawyer: "And you check your radar unit frequently?"
Officer: "Yes, I do."
Lawyer: "And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?"
Officer: "Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly."
Lawyer: "What happened then?"
Witness: "He told me, he says, 'I have to kill you because you can identify me.'"
Lawyer: "Did he kill you?"
Lawyer: "The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?"
Witness: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Lawyer: "Was this a male or a female?"
Lawyer: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
Witness: "I went to Europe, sir."
Lawyer: "And you took your new wife?"
Lawyer: "I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture."
Witness: "That's me."
Lawyer: "Were you present when that picture was taken?"
Lawyer: "Do you know how far pregnant you are now?"
Witness: "I'll be three months on November 8."
Lawyer: "Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?"
Lawyer: "What were you doing at that time?"
Lawyer: "She had three children, right?"
Lawyer: "How many were boys?"
Lawyer: "Were there girls?"
Lawyer: "You say that the stairs went down to the basement?"
Lawyer: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
Lawyer: "What is your brother-in-law's name?"
Lawyer: "What's his first name?"
Witness: "I can't remember."
Lawyer: "He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?"
Witness: "No. I tell you, I'm too excited." (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) "Nathan, for heaven's sake, tell them your first name!"
Lawyer: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
Witness: "All my autopsies have been performed on dead people."
Lawyer: "Were you acquainted with the deceased?"
Witness: "Yes sir."
Lawyer: "Before or after he died?"
Lawyer: "Did he pick the dog up by the ears?"
Lawyer: "What was he doing with the dog's ears?"
Witness: "Picking them up in the air."
Lawyer: "Where was the dog at this time?"
Witness: "Attached to the ears."
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Lawyer: "And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?"
Lawyer: "How old are you?"
Lawyer: "And what did he do then?"
Witness: "He came home, and next morning he was dead."
Lawyer: "So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?"
Lawyer: "Could you see him from where you were standing?"
Witness: "I could see his head."
Lawyer: "And where was his head?"
Witness: "Just above his shoulders."
A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.
If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!
I can resist everything except temptation.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
If you can't fix it with duck tape you haven’t used enough.
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Of all the things that tax a man's patience, there's nothing to compare with a stuck zipper.
I ain't sleeping. I'm just taking a good look at the insides of my eyelids.
A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch.
Nobody goes there anymore because it's too crowded.
The downhill path is easy, but there's no turning back.
An alarm clock is a device that wakes you up just in time to go back to sleep.
The most dangerous position in which to sleep is with your feet on your office desk.
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
Phineas and Ferb Quotes
Isabella: Hey, Phineas. You might wanna check up on Baljeet. I was walking by his house when I heard him scream, (uses fake Indian accent) "AIEEE! I AM DOOMED TO BE AN INCOMPETENT FLUNKIE FOREVER!" ...ever... ever... ever... (uses normal voice) I added the echo part.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: Speaking of wishes, you know what I never understood? Genies! They tell you to wish for anything you want, and then they add some terrible twist. Like you wish to jump high so he turns you into a frog. What? Why? Who gains from this? The genie? Where's the benefit? You should be fighting genies, man, not me. I'm not the problem. Genies. Genies are the problem.
Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz: It's time to move on to the next quadrant. Quadrant. Quadrant. Quad... It's a weird word when you think about it. Quadrant. Quaaadrant. Quad... See, now it doesn't even sound like a word.
Major Monogram: For crying out loud, Carl, pedal faster. I need to check my email.
Doofenshmirtz: No! Don't open the Metropolitan Oval Aquatic Trench! No, no, no, no, no— oh, hey, look! It spells 'moat'!
Major Monogram: So you see, Doofenshmirtz has invited you to tea. We don't know it means. We think, but don't hold us to this, maybe, just maybe it could be... A TRAP!
Dr. Doofenshmirtz: Now you can cowtow to my cretelogical creation! It's so corrupt... and cantankerous... and carnivorous... and uh, uh, low in calories and... cuh, cuh, cuh, couch... yeah, that's all I've got. But you're still doomed!
Doofenshmirtz: You heard of the internet?! Well, this is just a net.
Doofenshmirtz: See? I saved you a spot, right there, see? It says "Save for Perry". Of course, it was a bigger spot before I wrote "Save for Perry" on it...
Linda: Candace? You work here?
Mom: Well, I'm here. Now where's this giant animation studio?
Doofenshmirtz: Well, everyone knows dancing is evil! Perry the Platypus, what are you doing? Stop with the conga line. We're doing the Macarena.
Phineas: We're gonna put on a laser light show! And, as a grand finale we're going to laser our faces into the comet! That way, when it comes back in 73 and a half years, we can all show our grandchildren! Oh yeah, my parents are cooking steaks for everyone.
Doofenshmirtz: Go ahead and try, Perry the Platypus! You'll never find out my super-secret password!
Suzy: Are you okay? I have something that will make you smile! (shows Candace squirrel) Say hello to Mr. Chippy!
Lawrence: I doubt there's anything you can do, unless you boys can perform miracles.
Phineas: Hello? Isabella?
Irving: According to my motion sensors, Phineas and Ferb are awake!
Irving: Time for a makeover!
Albert: I thought you were pulling my leg, but this is remarkable!