Last night there was a big fight in our local fish and chip shop - a lot of fish got battered.
Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.
During WW II a German fighter pilot was shot down over England and he was captured by the British. He was hurt pretty bad, so the British doctor amputated his left arm. He requested that they drop his arm over his base in Germany. So the British did.
The next week they amputated his other arm and he asked the same thing. The British complied.
The next week they amputated one of his legs, and he again asked for them to drop it over his base in Germany. The British doctor replied, “Sorry Sir, we will do this no more!”
The pilot asked why not, and the British answered, “We think you trying to escape!!!.”
15 Things You Can Be Besides Team Edward or Team Jacob...
(Bold all that apply to you)
1.) Team Prime
2.) Team Gibbs
3.) Team Hot Rod
4.) Team Seekers
5.) Team Autobot
6.) Team Decepticon
7.) Team Maximal
8.) Team Predacon
9.) Team Gwen
10.) Team Trent
11.) Team Eva
12.) Team Chuck
13.) Team Bond, James Bond
14.) Team Anti-Twilight
15.) Team Harry Potter
15 Ways to Get Kicked Out of WalMart
1-Wander through the store dressed in all black with a fake walkie-talkie humming the Mission Impossible theme. When someone asks what you're doing, scream "LOOK OUT!!" and push them behind a shelf
2-Pass out bananas to random people and snicker loudly after they take one.
3-Buy 350 packets of tuna and scream "THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT!! YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME BACK!!" once the cashier tells you the price
4-Walk around looking confused in the CD section and ask someone where you can find some "musical devices"
5-When the intercom comes on, throw yourself on the floor and scream "THE VOICES!!THEY'RE BACK!!"
6-Start a fish stick fight
7-Walk up to random people and give them giant bear hugs. Then scream "I MISSED YA, MAN!!"
8-(This requires a friend) Jump in a cart and have a friend push you around screaming "The British are coming!!"
9-Walk up to an employee and murmur "Code red in aisle 3" and see what they do
10-Slip a bra and a lacey pink thong into a really macho-looking man's cart. (Just make sure he doesn't have any girls with him)
11-Attempt to fly off a high shelf
12-Throw confetti on random people walking into the store
13-Whisper "I know your 'little secret'" to people in the checkout line
14-Stand inside the freezer at the frozen food section
15-Walk up to employees and whisper "I saw dead people...They want me to take you away...to aisle 8..
These are real goofed up Head Lines what do you think they were really trying to say?
JUDGE NOT CONVINCED MURDER VICTIM IS ALIVE (Isn't a murder victim dead in the first place)
11 HIGH STUDENTS SCORE PERFECT GRADE (And they said drugs hurt your grades)
MAN KILLED OVER PHONE(Parents should tell this to there teens to get them to stop texting)
POLICEMAN SHOOTS MAN WITH KNIFE(What the Heck!!)
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH (Zombie workers on strike?)
Fun Things To Do In An ELEVATOR!
1) When a person in the elevator repeatedly pushes a button (such as "close" or "open") say, "Congratulations, you figured out that if you push the button 20 times, it works quicker"
2) When the elevator doors shut, reassuringly say, "It's ok, they will open up again!"
3)Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4) Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.
5) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
6) Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
7) Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
8) When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
9) Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
10) Stare, grinning, at another passenger for awhile, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
11) Meow occasionally.
12) Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
13) Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
14) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
15) Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
16) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
17) When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
18) Say "Ding!" at each floor.
19) Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
20) Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
21) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
22) Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
23) Put a box on the floor and whenever somebody comes in, say "Do you hear clicking?"
If you like being different and don't care what those jerks at school say put this on your profile and add your name below:Shadow Kitty 22, -Gasp- Dead Deer, Nightcrawler's Shadow, Blurr Fire, Haluwasa2, TeamGibbs4Ever,
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is loser cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
Dog Vs. Cat
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing! 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing! 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing! 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing! 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing! 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing! 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing! 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing! 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I never the less must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'Good little hunter' I am.
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.'
I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage!
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking.
I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return.
He is obviously retarded.
A list of stereotypes that should stop. If you think they should stop too, post this onto your profile. And bold the ones you are if you wish:
I can't help pointing out MISTAKES, so I MUST be an over-controlling perfectionist.
I care about the ENVIRONMENT, so I MUST be a tree hugging hippy.
I CHAT, so I MUST be having cyber sex.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, so I MUST be a pussy.
I CRY EASILY, so I MUST be a wimp.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I don't CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.
I don't like THE SUN, so I MUST be an Albino.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I MUST be a homophobe.
I don't want a BOYFRIEND, so I MUST be lesbian.
I draw ANIME, so I MUST be a freak.
I dress in UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times.
I got a CAR for my birthday, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I hang out with a former PROSTITUTE, so I MUST be a whore myself.
I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be gay too.
I would hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be gay too.
I support GAYS, so I MUST BE GAY too.
I hang out with TEENAGE DRINKERS and SMOKERS, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have A BUNCH OF FRIENDS WHO ARE GIRLS, so I MUST be a player.
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I have A LOT OF FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I have BIG BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I have hair that gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology, so I MUST be wrong or misguided.
I have STRAIGHT 'A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I love MARCHING BANDS, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I read COMICS, so I MUST be a loser.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I spot GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
I WATCH (or READ or WRITE) PORN, so I MUST be perverted.
I wear A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I wear BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I wear WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.
I'm a CHRISTIAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm a CROSS DRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I'm a DANCER, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm a DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I'm a FANGIRL, so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly or crazy.
I'm a FEMALE NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants and ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay or just want to get into the girl cheerleaders' pants.
I'm a guy who wears TIGHT PANTS, so I MUST be emo.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape and want to get with every single girl I see.
I'm a LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a MALE NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my penis.
I'm a NEGRO, so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm a PERFECTIONIST, so I MUST check everything ten times, then burst into tears at one mistake.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs, wear black and date only other punks.
I'm a REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm a SKATER, so I MUST do weed and steal stuff.
I'm a STONER, so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm a VIRGIN, so I MUST be prude.
I'm a WITCH, so I MUST be and old hag and fly on a broomstick.
I'm AMERICAN, so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is a murderer.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm an ATHEIST, so I MUST hate the world.
I'm an ONLY CHILD, so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be a nerd that does homework 24/7 and super sexy.
I'm AUSTRALIAN, so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love fried chicken, watermelons, kool-aid and believe that Jesus wuz a brotha.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a big butt.
I'm BRITISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers and talk with a funny accent.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against abortion.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a terrorist.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a cutter too.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have aids and be after every straight guy around.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I'm GOTH, so I MUST be mean and worship the devil.
I'm HAITIAN, so I MUST eat cats.
I'm HAWAIIAN, so I MUST be lazy.
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm in a BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm INTELLIGENT, so I MUST be weak and think I'm all knowing.
I'm into THEATER AND ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm JAMAICAN, so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I'm MIXED, so I must be screwed up.
I'm MORMON, so I MUST be perfect.
I'm MUSLIM, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN, so I MUST just need converting.
I'm not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I MUST be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PAGAN, so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins and worship Satan.
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy and wear socks with sandals.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie and Hollister.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.
I'm SINGLE, so I MUST be ugly.
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE, so I must be violent.
I'm STRONG, so I MUST be stupid.
I'm SWEDISH, so I MUST be a tall, white, blonde, blue-eyed, lesbian.
I'm TEXAN, so I MUST ride a horse.
I'm WELSH, so I MUST love sheep.
I'm WHITE and have BLACK friends, so I MUST think I'm black.
I'm WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I'm WICCAN, so I MUST be a Satanist.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.
If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!
If you are against racism, copy this onto your profile. THE ONLY RACE IS HUMANITY!
If you LOVE reading, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think the world should have no violence, but probably will always have it, copy this into your profile.
If you think cancer is awful, put this in your profile.
Just because we eat animals for food, doesn't mean we can cut them up for clothing! If you are against fur coats, clothing, boots, ect, copy this onto your profile. (I don't mind faux fur in the slightest, though! XD)
YOUR REAL NAME: Bond, James Bond
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): WHAT'S IT TO YA?
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal):Pink Monkey
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name): JEDIS ATTACK!
6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Light Blue Coke
7. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name): BACK OFF!
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name): SO'S YOUR FACE!!!
AM I MORE TOMBOYISH OR GIRLY?
YOUR GUY SIDE:
You love hoodies.
YOUR GIRL SIDE:
You wear lip gloss/stick.
"Everything in this room is eatable. Even I'm eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies." - Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
"Good morning, Starshine. The Earth says 'Hello!' "- Willy Wonka, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
"Guys, I'm going to kidnap the President of The United States."- Ben Gates, National Treasure: Book of Secrets
Chiron: This is a very powerful weapon.
Percy: It's a pen!~Percy Jackson and Chiron,Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief
"Let's look death in the face and say 'whatever man'"~ Hurley, Lost
"This reminds me of a time..."~Dr. Donald Mallard a.k.a. Ducky, NCIS (ellipsis can be filled in with any random story that has nothing to do with the story line of NCIS what so ever!)
"McGeek"~Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo Or as he calls himself Very Special Agent Tony DiNozzo, NCIS (Referring to Tim McGee)
"Probie!"~Tony DiNozzo, NCIS (Yet again referring to Special Agent Timothy McGee)
"Baby, I am tied to a tree in a jungle of mystery and I just got tortured by a damn spinal surgeon and a genuine Iraqi. Of course I'm serious."~Sawyer, Lost
"What're you gonna do...SPLASH me??"~Sawyer, Lost
"Doctor playing golf! Wooo! Boy Howdy! I've heard everything. What's next? A cop eating a doughnut?"~Sawyer, Lost
Kate: "What do you want, Sawyer?"
Sawyer: "You're in my light, sticks."
Sawyer:"Wait, what's going on?"
Walt:"Charlie and Claire. I think Ethan took 'em!"
Sawyer:"Ethan took 'em, huh."
Sawyer:"Took 'em why? And who the hell is Ethan? And why am I gettin' the evening news from a 6 year old?"
Sawyer:"Then it must be true!"~Sawyer and Walt, Lost
"Hey, Freckles"~Sawyer, Lost
Sawyer: (to Hurley, Charlie, and Aaron) "Well, if it ain't three mean and a baby, I counted Hugo twice.~Sawyer, Lost
Jack: (needs blood for transfusion for Boone, but Charlie only found out four) You only asked four people?
Charlie: I asked everyone. No one knows their blood type! I don't know my bloody blood type!~Jack and Charlie, Lost
Hurley: (out of breath) Did ether of you see a guy run through here... in a bathrobe... with a coconut?
Charlie:No...(cheekily) I saw a polar bear on roller blades with a mango.~Hurley and Charlie, Lost
Charlie: Guys, you have to look at this!
Jack: What is it?
Charlie:(sees Claire writing in her diary) Dear Diary, still on this bloody island. Today I swallowed a bug. Love, Claire.~Charlie, Lost
Charlie:(talking to himself while Claire is in almost labor) I can do this, I kicked drugs, I can deliver a baby.
Claire: (gives Charlie 'What?' kind of look.)~Charlie, Lost
"We either live together... or die alone."~Jack, Lost
"That's why the Red Sox will never win the World Series"~Jack, Lost
"Don't tell me what I can't do!"~John Locke, Lost
(Locke says that he worked in a box company. After Locke remarks that it will rain in a minute, and it does.)
Boone: Did you learn that in the box company?~Boone, Lost
Charlie:"They'll find us. They have satellites in space that can take pictures of your license plate."
Shannon:(To Hurley, talking about the census) You want my information? Name:Shannon Rutherford. Age: 20. Adress: Craphole Island.~Shannon, Lost
Shannon: (after Hurley informs her Claire has been attacked) What? I am so not moving to the rape caves!~Shannon, Lost
Jack: You picking up a little Korean there, Michael?
Jokes about Justin Bieber
Justin Bieber used to be a Dog trainer. All he had to do was sing and any dog within a 34 mile radius would come flying.
Who's that girl singing?
I called Justin Bieber gay, and he slapped me with his purse.
90% of teens/preteens would breakdown if Justin Bieber was about to jump off a 6 story building. 9% of them would grab a lawn chair, some popcorn and watch. I am one of the 1% that would run up and push him off saying "Sorry you took too long!"
Justin Bieber's singing is the only thing that scares Chuck Norris.
95% of teens would cry if they saw the Justin Bieber at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Copy and paste this if you are part of the 5% that would sit there with popcorn and a camera and yell "JUMP B*TCH"
95% of teens would cry if they saw the Justin Bieber at the top of a skyscraper about to jump. Copy and paste this if you are part of the 5% that would sit there with popcorn and a camera and yell "DO A FLIP"!
"Stop being mean to Justin Bieber, she has feelings too."
"Justin Bieber concerts end before 10 PM because he still has a bedtime."
"Don't worry, if we all die in 2012 Justin Bieber goes with us."
"Justin Bieber should sing about girls when he doesn't sound like one."
"Steve Urkel is more gangsta than Justin Bieber."
Justin Bieber is a good singer!
You know you live in 2011 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or my space
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did
EVER WONDER where we are headed...?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why you don't ever see the headline: 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
Why Doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why you have to click on 'Start' to stop Windows 98?
Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'Broker'?
Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?
Who tastes dog food when it has a 'New & Improved' flavor?
Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?
Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why they call the airport 'the terminal' if flying is so safe?
Why do etty, bitty, little paper cuts hurt so FREAKIN' much?
If they put warning labels on everything, why don't they put warning labels on warning labels?
On a Myer hairdryer:
On a bag of Chips:
On a bar of Palmolive soap:
On some frozen dinners:
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
On Nytol Sleep Aid:
On most brands of Christmas lights:
On a Japanese food processor:
On Nobby's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one:
On a Swedish chainsaw: