Author has written 7 stories for Teen Titans, Runaways, Green Lantern, and RWBY.
Quotes that I have no idea who said first:
NO TRESPASSING. INTRUDERS WILL BE SHOT. SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
I ran with scissors, and lived!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
A life? Cool! Where do I download one of those?
The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL?
Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
I couldn't fix your brakes so I made your horn louder.
Nothing says oops like a wall of flame.
Don't look for inspiration. Start working and inspiration will come to you.
You always get whats coming to you; unless it gets lost in the mail.
"Real artificial bacon bits" Oh, yeah, I'm gonna go out and buy myself some real-fake bacon bits. Not just fake-fake, real-fake
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look too good either.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver. I guess I can settle for second place.
The trouble with real life is that there is no background music
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Forecast for tonight: darkness
If you try to fail and succeed, which one did you do?
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
How come when you mix water with sugar, you get glue and then when you add eggs and sugar you get cake? Where does the glue go?
You should always proofread what you write in case you any words.
When they laugh, we'll laugh along too. Because we know better. We know.
We are the people our parents warned us about!
A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence.
It's good to die for your contry, but it's really good when the other guys die for their contry.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A mighty oak is the restult of a a nut who held its ground.
Despite the rising cost of living, it remains a popular activity.
It's you and me against the world. (puts on helmet) We attack at dawn.
Friends don't set friends on fire.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die.
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
The evening news always starts off by saying Good Evening and then procede to tell you exactly why it isn't.
He who laughs last thinks the slowest.
To be old and wise you must first have to be young and stupid.
Take risks, if you win you will be happy; if you lose you will be wise.
You are only limited by your own fears and inaction.
Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.
I'm the author of my life, and unfortunately I'm writing in pen!
Move on. It's just a chapter in the past. But don't close the book. Just turn the page.
When you spend your whole life waiting for the storm, you'll never enjoy the sunshine. Until the storm's over and you're the only survivor.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Many say I am just one to try. I say I am one less to quit.
Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look to astonished.
We live in an age where the pizza delivery will reach your house before the police.
Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door...
He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tommorow in Australia.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
Vegetarian: Native American word for 'lousy hunter'.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes!
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps... I tend to walk into walls, and off the occasional cliff
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it
Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
The dinosaurs extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.
OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.
He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense was hospitalized when the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.
He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
In case Common sense comes back from the grave to eat our brains, read him these actual labels on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowentairon: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
35 Lessons High School Musical 2 has Taught Us
1. If you wish to show your inability or dislike for dancing, it's perfectly reasonable to break out in a dance number.
2. College? It's not important, as long as you can hang out with your friends.
3. If your love is strong enough, fireworks will go off, and lanterns will fly away when you and your boyfriend kiss. Go ahead, try it!
4. Playing sports is a hint that it's time to break into song.
5. School spirit is a must. Especially during the summer.
6. Your friends are not human and should always be addressed by the name of their school mascot.
7. Yes! You can paint your locker pink! Nobody cares about the school board.
8. A guy can never wear too much bronzer.
9. Lakes are the equilivant of mirrors. They can show your reflection perfectly!
10. It is possible to memorize a 3 minute song over the course of 30 seconds...and sing it perfectly!
11. It doesn't matter that you're not a staff member... You can still attend any and all staff events.
12. The phrase 'more moves than an octopus in a wrestling match' is something that can be used in everyday conversation
13. There are two bells that get you out of school. The first one tells you to start singing and dancing, the second announces you should stop.
14. Even though its the last day of school, its okay to leave stuff in the locker for the summer.
15. If your family is 'saving pennies' for your college education and gives you a junky truck to drive because they 'can't afford anything else', it is normal for their kitchen to have expensive granite counter tops and a 7,000 fridge.
16. Pianos can float now. Go ahead, try it.
17. If you're upset, just run through a golf course, jumping and spinning, while singing 'Bet on it'...you won't fall at any point, and no one will stop and think 'what the hell?'.
18. You can send telepathic messages to your mom to tell her to pick you up just as you're finishing your breakup song with your boyfriend.
19. A resort can be highly successful when there are way more employees than guests.
20. 'And she stepped on the ball' is actually quite funny. You just need to put it into context.
21. One family can apparently control an entire city, including all educational institutions in the area.
22. It's good manners to refer to your mother as a 'backstabber'
23. Turkey imported from Maine is much better than any other turkey. In fact, it's fabulous...
24. It is possible to hire an entire high school to be the staff at an upscale country club.
25. Iced tea from England is blue.
26. Water Bug is a really cute, funny, and romantic pet name. -gags-
27. Being a teenage paparazzi at school and taking multiple pictures of the same two people is not weird or creepy in any way.
28. Take two small saucepan lids and bang them together. You'll find they make the exact same sound as a large GONG. Go ahead, try it.
29. It IS possible to have any object in the world come in pink & glitter, engraved with your initials.
30. If you are the basketball star of your school, you can get yourself, as well as the rest of the school, summer jobs.
31. Don't change your friends, change your dreams.
32. 'What team?' 'Wildcats!' 'GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!' can fix any problem.
33. Basketball scholarships at the University of Albuquerque depend completely on your musical performance skills
34. Guitars and speaker equipment can be placed near a pool safely.
35.When you frolic with your girlfriend in the golf course, you get in trouble. When you frolic by yourself and sing, nothing happens.
Go ahead. Try it.
THE FOLLOWING IS FOR THE LESS-THAN-SANE EVERYWHERE!
You're just jealous because the voices in my head talk to me and not you.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS?!
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.
I do visit reality once in a while. Want to see my tourist visa?
Normality will be restored as soon as we figure out what it is.
Be yourself. That's crazy enough
I have not lost my mind; its backed up on a disk somewhere
Beware the letter 'G'. It is the end of everything.
I used to have super powers, but my therapist took them away.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something
There is a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line
I'm not random. I just have many bluebird waffles
I'm the kind of person who walks into a chair and apologizes
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
The below statement is true
The above statement is false
In a world of cheerios, be a frootloop!
There is no great genius without a mixture of madness
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them as much
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with nonsense
When life gives you lemons make grape juice, lay back, and let the world wonder how you did it.
When life gives you lemons squeeze them in somebody's eyes and RUN!
If you are reading this then step 1 of my EVIL PLAN is complete.
I'm mature and you're not. Nah nah nah nah nah nah!
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems
If aliens are looking for intelligent life, why are you so scared?!
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
I know KUNG-FU! And 42 other dangerous words
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhh its a secret!
I will temporarily rule the world, forever.
Quick, whats the number for 9-1-1?
I burst laughing out in class today...I got that joke you told yesterday
Hi! I'm human. What're you?
Have you considered suing your brain for non-support?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
I don't have a short attention span, I just... Oh look a kitty!
I haven't lost my marbles, they're under my bed somewhere.
Don't take life too seriously -You'll never get out of it alive.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Give me chocolate and nobody gets hurt!
I AM NOT CRAZY! My reality is just different than yours.
MILK FEELS PAIN!
"When did you become so crazy?"
"I'm gonna turn you into a frog" (Waves hand)
If you are Mad as a Hatter and proud of it, copy and paste these jokes onto your profile.
A MEMORIAL FOR THE JOKER
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall through a sewer hole and die.
Everyone is beautiful on the inside. If you think bones and guts are beautiful.
Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Then its hysterical
You, you, and you panic. The rest of you follow me.
Heaven doesn't want me there, and Hell knows I'll take over.
Don't make me angry, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
They say guns don't kill people. People kill people. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled, "BANG!" I don't think you'd kill many people
Smile. It makes the world wonder what you're up to.
Chaos, panic, pandemonium - my work here is done.
You shot an oompa loompa!
I have a dream and in it, something eats you.
If I promise not to kill you... can I have a hug?
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
Some people are like slinkies... they're really good for nothing! But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs! ( I know a lot of these people... now where are those stairs...? )
That's it... You leave the bear trap there and we'll see if we caught Santa in the morning!
One bright morning in the middle of the night two dead fellows stood up to fight. They stood back to back, facing each other, drew their swords and shot each other. If you don't believe my lie, it's true, ask the blind lady on the corner, she saw it too.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up.
He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK,
But you sir, When you're born you're PINK,
And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
A girl and guy were speeding over 100mph on a motorcycle
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, now slow down!
Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug
Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.
In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died.
Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love
Copy this onto your profile if you would never take your true love fora motorcycle ride without a spare helmet in the first place.
If you think Tellytubbies are failed evil alien genetic mutation experiments who want to take over the world throught the brainwashing of the universes young, put this in your profile
The Road goes ever on and on