Quotes that fit me...
"I do not suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."
'I only have PMS on days that end in the letter "y".'
"Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that."
"1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you."
"Love is like heaven, but can hurt like hell."
"It only takes one word to get on my dark side, and about a million to cross over."
'I am on a quest to the deepest, darkest corners of my room in search of what some would call "a floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me. Wish me luck my friends for I may not return alive.'
'Never Argue With A Woman'
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
Reasons why girls are the best
1.We got off the Titanic first
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddy shack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.(We don't usually picture guys naked we picture what it would be like to kiss you then get over it and move on.)
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
If the sky is the limit, then what is space? Over the limit?
Why is it when we talk to God when we are praying, but when God talks to us we are crazy?
Female come backs
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
If you re-post this you will get a phone call 37 minutes after you repost
GIRLS RE POST THIS AS "female comebacks"
Bold those that fit you!!
I’m American so I must be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I’m Texan so I must ride a horse.
I’m Southern so I must be white trash.
I’m Asian so I must be sexy, a nerd, and does homework 24/7
I’m an Asian guy so I must have a small penis.
I’m white so I must be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet (past, present, future).
I’m albino so I must be an evil person with mental abilities and is a murderer.
I’m White and has black friends so I must think I’m black.
I’m a White girl so I must be a nagging, steal your money type of girlfriend.
I’m Canadian so I must talk with a funny accent, love hockey and beavers.
I’m English so I must speak with a cocky/polish accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m Welsh so I must love sheep.
I’m Irish so I must have a bad drinking problem.
I’m Swedish so I must be white, tall, blond, and blue eyed.
I’m Scottish so I must have ginger hair and wear a kilt.
I’m polish so I must be greedy and wear socks with my sandals.
I’m Australian so I must hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroos.
I’m Italian so my family must own a pizzeria and be a great cook.
I’m and Italian guy so I must have a “big one”
I’m black so I must carry a gun, love fried chicken, kool-aid and watermelon, and believe that Jesus was a brother.
I’m Native American so I must dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I’m Indian so I must own a convenience store.
I’m Hispanic so I must be dirty.
I’m Puerto Rican so I must look good and be conceited.
I’m Brazilian so I must be a slut and have a big butt.
I’m Cuban so I must spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I’m Mexican so I must have hopped the border.
I’m Jamaican so I must smoke weed.
I’m Hawaiian so I must be lazy.
I’m Russian so I must be cool and not care about people’s feelings.
I’m German so I must be a Nazi.
I’m Arab/Muslim/Egyptian so I must be a terrorist.
I’m Haitian so I must eat cats.
I’m Pagan so I must believe in worshiping Satan, scarifying babies, and drinking virgin’s blood.
I’m Mormon so I must be perfect.
I’m mixed so I must be screwed up.
I’m a Republican so I must not care about poor people.
I’m a Democrat so I must not believe in being responsible.
I am liberal so I must be gay.
I disagree with my government so I must be a terrorist.
I care about the environment so I must be a tree hugging hippy.
I’m Conservative so I must be against Abortion.
I’m Religious so I must shove my beliefs down your throat.
I’m Christian so I must hate gay people and think that they should go to hell.
I’m not Christian so I must need converting.
I’m atheist so I must hate the world.
I’m Jewish so I must be greedy.
I don’t have a religion so I must be push over, evil and have no morals.
I support gay rights so must fit in with everyone and will go to hell.
I’m gay so I must have AIDs and be after every straight guy around.
I’m a Lesbian so I must go to hell, own sex tapes, and wants to fuck every female I see.
I’m BI so I must think everyone person is hot.
I’m a cross dresser so I must be homosexual.
I’m Feminist so I must have a problem with sexuality and want to castrate every man on earth.
I’m a Nudist so I must want everyone to see my boobs.
I am a witch so I must be an old hag and fly on a broom stick.
I’m Goth so I must be a Satanist, worship the devil and be mean.
I’m emo so I must cut my wrists.
I am a Wiccan so I must be a Satanist.
I have my own spirit ideology therefore I must be wrong/misguided.
I watch Porn so I must be perverted.
I love Yaoi and Yuri so I must be BI.
I love Yaoi so I must be gay.
I read comics so I must be a loser.
I like games, animes and comics so I must be childish.
I like cartoons so I must be irresponsible.
I am a fan girl so I must be a crazy obsessed stalker.
I grew up with two homosexual parents so I must be homosexual too.
I draw anime so I must be a freak.
I don’t like Yaoi or Yuri so I must be homophobic.
I have a fan character so I must be annoying Mary sue.
I’m obsessed with fan fiction so I must have no life.
I am a female gamer so I must be ugly…crazy…
I hang out with gays/BIs, so I must be gay too.
I hang out with former prostitutes so I must be a whore myself.
I have big boobs so I must be a hoe.
I hug girls so I must be a lesbian.
I talk to boys so I must fancy them all.
I wear boys’ clothes so I must be a lesbian.
I wear skirts a lot so I must be a slut.
My boyfriend is way older than me so he must only be with me for sex.
I chat so I must be having cyber sex.
I don’t want a boyfriend yet so I must be a lesbian.
I don’t flirt with guys so I must be a lesbian.
I fell in love with a married man, so I must be a home wrecking whore.
I’m a guy and have a group of girls who are friends so I must be a player.
I’m a girl and have a bunch of guy who are friends so I must be fucking them all.
I’m a guy cheerleader so I must be BI/gay.
I’m a guy so I must ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I’m virgin so I must be a prude.
I’m a cheerleader so I must be a whore.
I’m a dancer so I must be a stupid, stuck up whore.
I’m a teenage mom so I must be an irresponsible slut.
I wear fannel shirts so I must be a lesbian.
I have been in lots of school fights so I must be easily angered.
I like blood so I must be a vampire.
I like fire so I must be an arsonist.
I speak my mind so must be a bitch.
I take/use to take anti-depressants so I must be crazy.
I tell people off so I must be an over controlling bitch.
I want to die so I must be suicidal.
I wear a big sun hat when I go outside so I must be stupid.
I wear black clothing so I must be goth.
My parents was/are into drinking and doing drugs so I must drink and do drugs too.
I’m defensive so I must be an over controlling bitch.
I drink and smoke so I must have no social life.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers so I must smoke and drink too.
I am friends with a cutter so I must be a cutter too.
I’m not a virgin so I must be easy.
I’m straight edge so I must be violent.
I’m a punk so I must only date other punks, wear black and do drugs.
I’m a cutter so I must be looking for attention.
I’m a skater so I must do weed and steal stuff.
I’m a stoner so I must be going in the wrong direction.
I’m not a poser, goth, skater, emo or jock so I must be a prep.
I’m not like everyone else so I must be a loser.
I’m overweight so I must have a problem with self-control.
I’m prep so I must be rich.
I’m preppy so I must shun people who don’t wear Abercrombie and Hollister.
I’m pretty so I must be a virgin.
I’m quiet so I must be weird.
I’m random and have a short attention span so I must have ADHD.
I’m really into my music so I must be scene.
I’m rich so I must be a conceited snob.
I’m single so I must be ugly.
I’m skinny so I must be anorexic.
I’m smart so I must have little or no friends.
My favorite color is pink so I must be a prep who worships Barbie.
My hair gets greasy easily so I must have bad hygiene.
I have artistic talent so I must think little of those who don’t.
I have straight A’s so I must have no social life.
I like reading so I must be a loner.
I like/love marching band so I must be a friendless freak.
I spot grammatical errors so I must be pedantic.
I wear baggy clothing so I must think I’m fat.
I wear tight pants and I’m a guy so I must be emo.
I wear want I want so I must be a poser.
I wear leg braces so I must be “crippled”.
I’m a young writer so I must be emo.
I’m not the most popular person in school so I must be a loser.
I’m not strong so I must be stupid.
I’m blonde so I must be stupid.
I’m disabled so I must have welfare.
I’m in band so I must be a dork.
I’m intelligent so I must be weak.
I’m into theater so I must be a homosexual.
I can’t help pointing out mistakes so I must be an over controlling perfectionist.
I couldn’t hurt a fly so I must a girl.
I cry easily so I must be wimp.
I don’t curse so I must be an outcast.
I don’t like the sun so I must be albino.
I don’t like to be in a big group so I must be anti-social.
I don’t wear makeup so I must have no self esteem.
I dress in unusual ways so I must be looking for attention.
I dye my hair crazy colors so I must be looking for attention.
I got a car for my birthday so I must be a spoiled brat.
I have a different sense of humor so I must be crazy.
I have a lot of friends so I must love to drink and party.
I’m athletic so I must be stupid.
I’m an only child so I must be spoiled.
I’m a vegetarian so I must be a crazy political activist.
I’m a perfectionist so I must check everything ten times then burst into tears at one mistake.
I’m a girl who actually eats lunch so I must be fat.
I don’t like to talk about my personal life so I must be having problems.
I’m young so I must be naïve.
I’m a teenager so I must drink and do drugs.
I am a teenager so I must have a stereotype.
I am a girl so I must be over dramatic.
I am a guy so I must only want to get into your pants.
I am person so I must be labeled.
I’m posting this so I must be a groupie.
Don't be an idiot and judges others when they can just turn around and judge you!
IF YOU HATE STEREO TYPES READ AND POST THIS!!.
a black man walks into A bar, a white man walks in and says
You know what Mommy
You went to the doctor today.
I can hear that doctor again.
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Effective Ways On How To Annoy/Scare/Weird Out The Living Daylights Outta People (on elevators, in computer labs, etc.)
1. Repeat everything the person says in a question.
Cutest Thing Ever…
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Girl: Do you like me?
Girl: Do you want me?
Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Girl: Would you live for me?
Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Girl: Choose--me or your life
Boy: My life
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.
The reason I don't want you is because I need you.
The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.
The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.
The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.
The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life
Girl: Slow down, I'm scared! Guy: No, this is fun. Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared. Guy: Then tell me you love me. Girl: I love you, now slow down! Guy: Now give me a big hug.
She gives him a big hug Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me. In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she would live even if he died. Copy this onto your profile if you would do the same thing for someone you love.
Try Reading This:
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling was ipmorantt! Tahts so cool!
If you could read that put it in your profile!
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On a Korean kitchen knife:
On a string of Christmas lights:
On a food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume:
"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet." -- In the information booklet.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Warning: This product can burn eyes." -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer
Do not place this product into any electronic equipment." -- On the case of a chocolate CD in a gift basket.
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." -- On a toilet at a public sports facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"This product not intended for use as a dental drill." -- On an electric rotary tool.
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes." -- On a container of underarm deodorant.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device." -- On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter
Do not eat toner." -- On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire
Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking
Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado
Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts
Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping
Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required
Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use
Saddest Thing Ever…
A teenage girl about 17 had gone to visit
She ended up staying longer than
As she walked along under the tall elm
When she reached the alley, which was a
However, halfway down the alley she
She became uneasy and began to pray,
Instantly a comforting feeling of quietness
When she reached the end of the alley,
The following day, she read in the
Feeling overwhelmed by this tragedy and
Thanking the Lord for her safety and to
She felt she could recognize the man, so
The police asked her if she would be
She agreed and immediately pointed out
When the man was told he had been
The officer thanked Diane for her bravery
She asked if they would ask the man one
Diane was curious as to why he had not
When the policeman asked him, he
Amazingly, whether you believe or not,
Even when you can't see Him, GOD is there! Did you know that 98 of teenagers will not stand up for God, and 93 of the people that read this won’t repost it?
Mommy, Johnny brought a gun to school,
He told his friends that it was cool,
And when he pulled the trigger back,
It shot with a great, huge crack.
Mommy, I was a good girl, I did what I was told,
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold!
When I went to school that day,
I never said good-bye.
I'm sorry that I had to go, But Mommy, please don't cry.
When Johnny shot the gun, he hit me and another,
And all because Johnny, got the gun from his brother.
Mommy, please tell Daddy; That I love him very much,
And please tell Zack; my boyfriend; That it wasn't just a crush.
And tell my little sister; That she is the only one now,
And tell my dear sweet grandmother; I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends; That they always were the best
Mommy, I'm not the first, I'm no better than the rest
Mommy, tell my teachers; I won't show up for class,
And never to forget this, And please don't let this pass
Mommy, why'd it have to be me? No one, though. deserves this.
But mommy, it's not fair, I left without a kiss.
And Mommy tell the doctors; I know that they really did try
I think I even saw one doctor, trying not to cry.
Mommy, I'm slowly dying, with a bullet in my chest,
But Mommy please remember, I'm in heaven with the rest
When I heard that great, big crack, I ran as fast as I could
please listen to me if you would,
I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with Daddy, On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid,
I wanted to be an actress, I really wanted to live.
But Mommy I must go now, The time is getting late,
Mommy, tell my Zack, I'm sorry to cancel the date.
I love you Mommy, I always have, I know you know its true
And Mommy all I need to say is, "Mommy, I love you"
In Memory of The Columbine & Virginia Tech Students Who Were Lost
Please if you would,
If you pass this on,
Maybe people will cry,
Just keep this in your heart,
For the people who didn't get to say "Good-bye".
Now you have 2 choices,
1) Pass this on, and show people you care, repost as
My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long
When I awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.
When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight
Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm sradishing to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He's already locked it
And I sradish to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy,
Did you know...kissing is healthy.bananas are good for period pain.it's good to cry.chicken soup actually makes you feel better.94 percent of boys would love it if you sent them flowers.lying is actually unhealthy.you really only need to apply mascara to your top lashes.it's actually true, boys DO insult you when they like you.89 percent of guys want YOU to make the first move.it's impossible to apply mascara with your mouth closed.chocolate will make you feel better.most boys think it's cute when you say the wrong thing.a good friend never judges.a good foundation will hide all hickeys... not that you have any.boys aren't worth your tears.we all love surprises.Now... make a wish.Wish REALLY hard!!WISH WISH WISH WISHYour wish has just been received.Copy and Paste this into your profile in the next 15 minutes and...Your wish will be granted.
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. But a best friend will go up to him and say "It's because you're gay isn't it”
FRIENDS: never ask for anything to eat or drink when they're at your house
FRIENDS: call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and grandpa, by Grandpa
FRIENDS: would bail you out of jail
FRIENDS: have never seen you cry
FRIENDS: ask you to write down your number
FRIENDS: borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back
FRIENDS: only knows a few things about you
FRIENDS: will leave you behind if that's what the crowd's doing
FRIENDS: would knock on your front door
FRIENDS: you have to tell them not to tell
FRIENDS: are through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
FRIENDS: will be there to take your drink away from you if they think you had enough
FRIENDS: would ignore this letter
My mother taught me to…
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
4. My mother taught me LOGIC
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
7. My mother taught me IRONY
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
11. My mother taught me WEATHER
12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
15. My mother taught me: ENVY
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
19. My mother taught me: ESP
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
25. My mother taught me about Justice
26. My mother taught me WISDOM.
27. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING.
28. My mother taught me CONSEQUENCES.
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
Random Sarcastic Junk.
One day, I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, Then it hit me
Two men walk into a bar, The third one ducks.
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Boys are like slinkeys. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.
If life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and let the world wonder how you did it.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up
Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust?
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me?
If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.
When life gives you lemons, squirt them in the eyes of your enemies.
Don't knock on death's door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that!
My knight in shining turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
It's better to keep quiet and let someone think you're stupid, than to open your mouth and prove it.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt...then it's hilarious.
" It's just strange how the evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't."
if you talk about me i got some advice. click your heels 3 times and say 'i wish i had a life'!
OMG! i think i just saw a flying bird! let me write that down in my 'things i dont really give f about' notebook.
"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."
I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned.
"The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf."
"Nothing worse than getting your pigtails shot off..."
"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."
"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
"He who laughs last didn't get it."
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
-Education is important; school however, is another matter.
I had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it.
-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.
You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!
-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.
-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.
-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.
-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.
-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?
-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?
-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.
-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.
-High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.
It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
-People say satire is dead. It’s not dead. It’s alive and living in the White House.
-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
-I do not deny everything.
-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go into storage.
Love me or hate me. Personally I could care less
-Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us
-Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.
-Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over...
Things to Do in an Exam you Already Know That You are Going to Fail:
1.Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Torte’s Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she/he is not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
15. Show up completely drunk (completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."
35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.
38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girl nearby.
40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it.
44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
ONE FOR THE GIRLS!
(1) A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman alive." the woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
(3) Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
(4) Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT MUSIC!!
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
Come join the dark side - we have cookies!
I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.
Why is it that people are fine with everyone having a different job or going to a different school, but if you say you follow a different religion, you are weird?
My favorite word is sarcasm.
There are 3 reasons to go through the day: Coffee in the morning, friends in the afternoon, and a good book for the rest of the day.
Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.
Boys that make you cry aren't worth crying over; boys that are worth crying over won't make you cry.
Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
Dear Heart, I met a boy today, prepare to shatter.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Life was so simple when boys had cooties
I make the cowardly lion look like the terminator!
I ran with scissors, and lived!
Thanks Stephenie now I will NEVER get a man.
"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton
I hear voices, and they don't like you.
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious problems.
You know what makes letting go of a crush so hard? The fear that the moment you let go, they'll catch on.
It's true, Edward Cullen prefers brunettes. Sorry, Barbie you aren't Bella, and Edward isn't your Ken.
On a package of peanuts: open package, eat nuts. (What were you supposed to do? Throw them at the people sitting near you?)
Her hair was up in a ponytail, her favorite dress tied with a bow,
Today was Daddy's Day at school and she couldn't wait to go.
But her mommy tried to tell her, that she probably should stay home,
Why the kids not might understand, if she went to school alone.
But she was not afraid, she knew just what to say,
What to tell her classmates of why he wasn't there today.
But still her mother worried, for her to face this day alone,
And that was why, once again, she tried to keep her daughter home.
But the little girl went to school eager to tell them all,
About a dad she never sees, a dad who never calls.
There were daddy's along the wall in back for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently, Anxious in their seats.
One by one the teacher called, a student from the class,
To introduce their daddy, as seconds slowly passed.
At last the teacher called her name, every child turned to stare,
Each of them was searching, a man who wasn't their.
"Where's her daddy at?"
She heard a boy call out. "She probably doesn't have one." another student dared to shout.
And from somewhere near the back, she heard a daddy say,
"Looks like another deadbeat dad, too busy to waste his day."
The words did not offend her, as she smiled up at her mom,
And looked back at her teacher, who told her to go on.
And with hands behind her back, she slowly began to speak,
And out of the mouth of a child, came words incredibly unique.
"My daddy couldn't be here, because he lives so far away,
But I know he wishes he could be, since this is such a special day.
And though you cannot meet him, I wanted you to know,
All about my daddy, and how he loves me so.
He loved to tell me stories, he taught me to ride my bike,
He surprised me with pink roses, and taught me to fly a kite.
We used to share fudge sundaes, and ice cream in a cone,
And though you cannot see him, I'm not standing here alone.
'Cause my daddy's always with me, even though we are apart,
I know because he told me he'll forever be in my heart."with that, her little hand reached up, and lay across her chest,
Feeling her own heartbeat, beneath her favorite dress.
And somewhere in the crowd of dads, her mother stood in tears,
Proudly watching her daughter, who was wise beyond her years.
For she stood up for the love, of a man not in her life,
Doing what was best for her, doing what was right.
And when she dropped her hand back down, staring straight into the crowd,
She finished with a voice so soft, but it's message clear and loud.
"I love my daddy very much, he's my shining star,
And if he could, he'd be here, but heaven's just too far.
You see he is a Marine, and died just this past year,
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy, and taught Canadians to fear.
But sometimes when I close my eyes, it's like he never went away,"
And then she closed her eyes, and saw him there that day.
And to her mother's amazement, she witnessed with surprise,
A room full of daddy's and children, all starting to close their eyes.
Who knows what they saw before them, who knows what they felt inside,
Perhaps for merely a second, they saw him by her side.
"I know your with my daddy,"to the silence she called out,
And what happened next, made believers out of those once filled with doubt.
Not one of them could explain it, for each of their eyes had been closed,
But there on the desk beside her, was a fragrant, long-stemmed, pink rose.
And a child was blessed for only a moment, by the love of her shining star,
And given the gift of believing that heaven is never to far.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire lifetime to forget them
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