"Did you just Fall?" "No...I attacked the floor." "Backwards?" "I'm skilled."
Did you know In English if someone says 'Excuse me. I need to get through' it translates to 'Get the fuck out of the way!' in American.
Crowley somehow managed to inject scepticism, irony and an air of sophisticated detachment that implied he could see this was a highly sensitive personal matter into a single lift of an eyebrow and a tiny sip of coffee. Aziraphale was astonished that anyone could drink coffee in such an offensive manner. Loki and Bartleby reacted rather badly and turned very interesting colours.—Home is Where the Heart Is by Daegaer
To put it nicely, I hope you choke
Insanity is just a word for "eccentric genius".
Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again
I am a peaceful person that is filled with violent rage.
It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird and say "Fuck you".
Having the love of your life say, "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
"I wasn't that drunk." "Dude, u were in my fireplace yelling Diagon Alley"
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!
My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you at the same time.
That's BS. Spontaneous real-life musical do too happen. Hell, it happened just last week. I think we sang 'What Can You do With a Drunken Sailor'
They say, "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
"In ancient times, cats were worshiped as gods. They have not forgotten this."
It's always the last place you look. Of course it is. Why the heck would I keep looking after I found it?
'STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door.
Smirk, it makes people wonder what you’re up to, while scaring the crap out of them at the same time!
Education is important, school however, is another matter.
"Human's are like slinkys. Though they are not useful, it will always make you smile when one tumbles down the stars." –unknown
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I can insult my best friend, but heaven help you if you do.
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." --Sign shown in a non-smoking zone
“Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!”
"As a very wise man once said, there's no such thing as 'overkill,' only 'open fire' and 'im outta ammo & I need ta reload."
"If I have to go to jail for protecting the virtue of my daughter, it will be for something so gory, abominable, and atrocious, they reinstate the death penalty." -Enter the Dragon, by Doghead Thirteen
the popular kids need to be reminded that its us quiet kids that snap
I shook my head and watched happily, calmly, as he argued with his dog. The part that truly made me grin was that the dog appeared to be winning, and I was quite certain that by the end of it, Mouse would have convinced Harry that he desperately needed a new Ferrari. – He’s My Little Brother by mitsukai613
Wizards are fucking weird. I just want to get that out there. They are a group of weird, freaky dangerous people, every last one of them, and Harry Dresden could be their king. – He’s My Little Brother by mitsukai613
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
"That, my children, is called a wall. But beware, the wall is solid. Yes, be afraid! Be very afraid, for we cannot walk through it! Believe me children, for I have attempted this many times before."
If Thor is the Mastiff slobbering all over your face and chocking you with its weight until you can’t do anything but acknowledge it, Loki is the cat whos under the covers and bites at your feet until you either cuddle it or –not so- accidentally kick it off, at which point you get scars on your calves.—Wooer Wooed by TerresDeBrume
“Death Eaters," Lucius said with a hint of amusement. "We're here to kill you." The voice thanked them, wished them a good day and a silver badge dropped down. Dolohov picked it up in wonder and read it aloud. "Death Eaters. Reason for visit: Homicide." -Curse of Fate, Mistress Nika
"I'm a ninja," Naruto protested. "Normal people can use the door. I, on the other hand, will continue to use the window to access my fourth floor office."
Spock isn't going to do anything awesome and then think to himself how kick-ass he is. He's Vulcan, after all. If he found the cure for all diseases, he'd just be kind of like, "It was a logical conclusion based on the information at hand" and the "eat it, bitches" would be communicated through eyebrows alone. – Atlas, authors note
Sherlock had no fear of monsters, not since Miss Amelia had given him a baseball bat, told him open the closet and take a good whack at anything that frightened him. This was good, practical advice that would serve him well through adulthood.—Archenemies by Vash the Humanoid Sunshower
“Whatever my grievances, Headmaster,” She said in a dead-on impression of Dumbledore. “I am sure I can address them best by pinning you to the outer wall of your castle and skinning you alive. Knife?” She asked in the exact same tone Dumbledore had used and opened her cloak to reveal lines and lines of glittering weapons. --Had I Known by kalyl silverstorm
Eames has seen Arthur cuddle with his guns before. In fact, Arthur has been known to sleep with more than one of his beloved firearms. He's been known to sleep with them loaded, safety off, finger on the trigger and even though Eames knows he's going to get shot one day and die a really embarrassing death for an international mind thief, it's still really hot that Arthur's a psycho little fuck. –Sploogetastic by tourdefierce
Dear Boss, We don't mind being referred to as your minions. As long as you agree that you'll bring us along when you inevitably snap from the stress and become a supervillian. We make an excellent army. We'll even make you a cape. Zoe has suggested "Earl Grey" as your villain name and we approve. – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter
if we stop burning things in Q-Branch we will lose valuable team bonding time and inspiration from the deities to whom we chant. We have headgear and everything. Now if you'll excuse us, we're off to chant for 007 to bring his experimental prototypes back from Hawaii. – Memos from Q Branch by AviaCarter
Dear Parents. Jasmine was in a relationship with a dirty homeless boy named Aladdin. Snow White lived alone with 7 men. Pinnochio was a liar. Robin Hood was a thief. Tarzan walked around without clothes on. A stranger kissed sleeping beauty and she married him. Cinderella lied and snuck out at night to attend a party. You can"t blame us. We were taught to rebel since a young age..
PLEASE READ WHAT'S UNDER THIS!!
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
Re-post this if you believe homophobia is wrong. Please do your part to end it
...because good things happen too:
I am the guy who came out to the entire school in his senior speech and got a standing ovation for his courage.
I am making a difference. Hate will not win if we do not let it. If you agree, repost this.
If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids. —The Evil Overlords List
"Maybe you caught a rabbit or something" "And did what?" "Ate it." "RAW?" "No you stopped and cooked it in a tiny werewolf oven" - Stiles to Scott
"You faint at the sight of blood?" "No, but I might at the sight of a chopped off arm!" - Derek & Stiles
"You know what else sounds fun? Stabbing myself in the face with this fork." - Jackson
"I'm 147 lbs of pale skin and fragile bones. Sarcasm is my only defense." - Stiles to Scott
"How soon can we set off?"
"You are not my captain!"-to Elizabeth-
"You haven't raised an alarm."
"I'm sorry, whoever you are, but this line is reserved for emergency calls only."
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On a Korean kitchen knife:
On a string of Christmas lights:
On a Japanese food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume: