Smash-the-Elder
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Joined 03-25-10, id: 2302004, Profile Updated: 01-26-14
Author has written 13 stories for Legend of Zelda, Tarzan, Fire Emblem, and Yu-Gi-Oh.

I won't write on here any more. I've changed to the point that this old work almost seems like it was written by a different person. I was more light-hearted for one thing; these days, I've grown interested in darker themes. To illustrate the difference, when I was writing here, my favourite book was a corny joke book about spies and espionage; these days, it's Vladimir Nabokov's 'Lolita'. Still, that's growing up.

Another reason I'm leaving here is that I've grown more interested in writing with original characters. That's not to say that I think fan fiction is worthless now. It was fun but it also helped me to develop my writing style and, since the characters already existed, I was able to focus on plot and humour.

I'm changing my profile because I hate it when long-dormant authors have profiles that discuss stories that they're going to write, yet they haven't done anything in over five years. This way, nobody is holding their breath for me.

Also, I'm not writing here anymore, but that doesn't mean that I'm ignoring it. If you review one of my stories or send me a PM, I will read it and reply if appropriate.


Since I'm quitting this account, it shouldn't hurt to share some approximate personal details:

Name: Thomas

Birth date: Early December, 1995. This means that I was fourteen when I put up my first story, almost sixteen when I put up my last and am eighteen now.

Sex: Male

Country: Australia

I've been diagnosed as having Asperger's Syndrome.


I've deleted several stories over time because I decided they weren't good. I've since lost them and they are not missed. For historical purposes, I'll recall what details I can of them.


The Contest

This was the second story I started, I think. It was inspired by the episode of The Young Ones called 'Bambi'. It was in script format, which I based on a copy of Shakespeare's As You Like It. This meant that it was divided into five acts.

Summary:

Act One: Link, Zelda, Malon and Romani get the chance to be an a quiz show to win one million rupees. They go to Termina and spend the night at Romani's place. Meanwhile, Saria, Ruto, Darunia and Nabooru, who are to be the opponents in the quiz, also make their way to the contest.

Act Two: These two groups meet up the next day and they wait until evening for the contest to begin.

Act Three: Saria et al have bribed the host to say that their blatantly incorrect answers are right and Link et al lose the first round.

Act Four: People begin to confront their issues and Romani sabotages the stage while Malon changes the questions. Link et al do much better in the second round.

Act Five: Personal issues continue to affect the cast and the third round begins. Strangely personal questions cause drama and strife for the characters and Link's group are disqualified when their sabotage comes to light. The prize turns out to be non-existent and everyone goes home. Zelda learns that her friends don't really like her (I went through a stage of hating the character and she was portrayed as a buffoon here) and separates from them.

There were several subplots, but I forget them. Without them, the story seems thin and like it would have been dragged out.

Everyone was out of character. I took many liberties in interpreting the source materials.


What the ! Just Happened?

Summary: I explain to Malon, Ruto, Ilia, Marin and probably others that they have been killed by fan fiction authors because they were interfering with those authors' pairings of choice.

This was also one of the earliest things I wrote. It became redundant because The Death of Zelda made my satirical points in a better and funnier way.


Zelda Strikes Back

Summary: Zelda summons several of the other female characters and tells them to leave Link for her. They insist that they don't care, criticise her and leave. Zelda attempts to kill Marin, who is saved at the last minute.

I forget the point I was trying to make here. I think it was a reaction to the apparent popularity of Zelda. Anyway, it wasn't very good.


A Medical Drama

Summary: Link has appendicitis and goes to an incompetent doctor. This doctor gets another patient, Malon, to help and does a poor job. Malon and Link commit suicide together on their way home.

I was going for black comedy here, but I think I overdid the darkness. I think I had a satire on medical stories in mind, but I don't really remember what I was going on about.


Nothing Says 'I Love You' Like a Cuccodex

Summary: In Oracle of Seasons, Link develops an unrequited crush on Malon after helping her out.

I decided to pair Link and Malon from Oracle of Seasons, since it hadn't been done before, to my knowledge. It was an expression of the unrequited love I had at the time.


Whenever You Need Somebody

Summary: A songfic version of the Romani subplot from Majora's Mask, featuring live performances of the songs.

I attempted to satirise songfics several times, but couldn't get it right. Here, I tried having it that the lyrics interspersed throughout the story were actually heard by the characters and that the lyrics were dissonant with what was really happening. The title comes from one of Rick Astley's albums.


The Legend of Yankovic

Summary: Several skits based on the songs of "Weird Al" Yankovic, one chapter per song.

With this one, I tried to make songfics work by having it that the songs were being performed by the characters, like a musical. I lost the plot with my interpretation of the characters and I developed ambitions for the work that really didn't suit its humble beginning.


Just a Tiny Thing

Summary: The story of Ocarina of Time is dramatically changed when Link accidentally breaks the egg that Malon gives him, leaving him unable to wake up Talon and thus enter the castle.

This was a stab at the butterfly effect. I gave up on it when I realised that I didn't know where to take the story next.


Work Experience & (title forgotten)

Summary: In Work Experience, Ross and Lute train by fighting monsters, but since there's only dialogue, the impression is given that they are having sex. In the sequel, Lute is humming to herself and, having been attracted by the sound, Ross spends a chaste night in her tent.

Work Experience was a simplistic long-form double entendre. I wrote it to amuse myself and shared it on here. I had been introduced to Fire Emblem by a friend on here and liked it enough to write fan fiction of it. This was my first Fire Emblem story and, though it amused me at the time, it was nowhere near as good as the stories I would write later.

The sequel had narration and I completely forget what it was like. I was going to make it a trilogy, but, thankfully, I couldn't get it to a point that satisfied me.

I deleted these because I decided that they were childish.


I'll also share my thoughts on the stories that are still here:


Fans Can Be Ridiculous

The first story I ever wrote. I think that I hadn't written fiction since primary school.

I wrote it to satirise people that care way too much about insignificant things. I didn't realise the full extent of the problem back then, of course.

It is quite obviously dated in that 'Zelda Wii' is now released and known as 'Skyward Sword' and there is an actual timeline of the Zelda series these days.

I was immature about romance back then. Even when I wrote it, I cringed at the first paragraph, which shows Link in love with Ruto. I have never liked it; it was poorly written.

First paragraph aside, though, it is still amusing and quite good for a fourteen-year-old's first story in a long time. It was also the unleashing of my satirical ability, which will surely be useful.


The Death of Zelda

I wrote this to satirise stories that simply kill a character out of mean-spiritedness. If you've read one, you know what I mean. I based it mainly on one particular person's stories, who used to go by the name of Reyser3000 or something, though she seems to have changed her name and persona. It was also a playful use of comical violence, where the humour comes from the fact that the assault is committed with normally harmless means.

It came to me late one night and I found it so hilarious that I wrote it, read it to my brother and put it on here. The controversy delighted me; there had been some for Fans, but I seemed to inspire some real knee-jerk hatred for this. Of course, I was only glad because I knew I was in the right. If the controversy had been the result of my satirical intent being misaimed or something, I would have been ashamed. Furthermore, I ended up being friends with the people that reacted, so it was all good in the end. I think I even showed them the error of their ways, if I remember correctly.

A few reviewers noted that the targets of my satire were young and that I seemed to be older. I guess I can take pride in that; I was only fourteen at the time, so I was probably the same age.

I still like it. My satire was well-aimed and the irony should mean that it is amusing in its own right. It was also my first satirical meta-fiction, which was something I did quite a bit of in the Zelda section.


An Epic Tale

I wrote this for a contest that a friend was running. The contest was a failure, but the story turned out okay.

I remembered it as being highly sophomoric, but I changed my mind on rereading it. It is still very much the work of a young boy, but it has merit. It is amusing. I guess I'm glad I didn't delete it, but it's not one of my best.

I took some inspiration from an episode of The Goon Show, which a friend had showed me. The ending comes from the episode, 'The Dreaded Batter Pudding Hurler (Of Bexhill-On-Sea)'.


Shovels Make the World Go Round

I always meant to go back and rewrite this. I loved the bizarreness of a girl being in love with an inanimate object and I feel that I didn't do the idea justice here. Part of the problem is that I followed the events of the game too closely. It originally had a sloppy conclusion, which I removed.

Perhaps I will revisit this. Don't count on it, though.


Link's Awakening: What Came After

I wrote this after 'A Medical Drama'. It is more successful at the dark and depressing humour that I was going for in the earlier story, but I think it is a minor work. It is a pessimistic extension of the ending of Link's Awakening, as is explained.

Minor though it is, it's still amusing.


Please Leave a Review

This is easily my most popular story, though it's not like it was an Internet-wide sensation or anything.

The phenomenon of begging for reviews was crying out to be satirised and I'm glad I did.

I regret that I did more than the first chapter. I won't delete those chapters, though, because evidence of their existence would still exist from the reviews for them. And since those reviews are generally positive, the reader would come to the incorrect conclusion that those chapters were good and that I deleted them for unknown reasons.


Author's Note

I enjoyed writing this one. I wrote the most pathetic and inane life story that I could think of and coupled it with a worthless wisp of a fan fiction. Those are still quite good.

I'm not too sure about the ending anymore, though. I thought it was clever at the time, but now it just seems silly.


The Terrible and Fearsome Prince Ephraim

This was my first attempt at a serious story and the first hint at my fascination with gruesome violence and sexual activity, a fascination that wasn't further explored on this site.

The idea behind this one was to explore what propaganda Amelia might have heard to make Ephraim seem evil. It's one of my few pure stories, which is to say that I wasn't trying to make a point with this one. It's just a story. This makes it a turning point in my style. I became a storyteller as opposed to simply a cheeky satirist.

It's still an interesting read. It has some flaws. I included unnecessary details from the game, which seems to be an unfortunate tendency of young writers of fan fiction; Amelia and Ephraim were slightly caricatured; and some of the language is too modern, as one of my reviewers pointed out. Nevertheless, I feel that this is my first mature work, and I don't mean that in relation to the grimness or explicitness.

For some reason, I decided that I liked the idea of Amelia and Ephraim in love and I even wrote support conversations for them, but I have lost those. I don't remember if they were any good or not.


The Gambling Hall Commissioned by L'Arachel

This one has a much longer true title, but the shorter one is probably better for an official title.

I'm quite fond of this one. At about two thousand words, it is one of my most substantial works. L'Arachel and her entourage were great fun to work with and they naturally lent themselves to a frivolous and entertaining story about a massive ego.

I remember being confused about Pontifex Mansel. I thought that 'Pontifex' might have been his name, but wasn't sure. So, I wrote it in a way that it would read properly either way.

Like 'Ephraim', this is not perfect, but it is overall a great and humourous work.


Where's Tristan?

This was one of those stories where you write something for a period of time and pass it to the next person. I wrote it with my brothers and a friend and put it on here to see what would happen.

It is silly and I like it for what it is.


I Hate This Story

This was a satire on people who depreciate their stories, often while asking to be reviewed anyway.

It's amusing, but, as the first reviewer said, it winks a bit too much at the audience and couldn't exist in a vacuum, which is to say that it only makes sense if you understand the context that I wrote it in.


Franz Digs a Hole

I really like this one. It's highly surreal and there isn't much I would change about it. Surrealism hasn't ultimately been a style that I've pursued, so it is more of an amusing detour in the context of my artistic development than a real milestone.

I didn't include any unnecessary details from the game or any said-bookisms (unless you count 'yelled', which I think is necessary here). I think it is my most perfect story (which doesn't make it my absolute best; it just means that it has the fewest flaws), which probably has to do with how short it is.

I should probably have written and published the last part of Please Leave a Review sooner; atypical though it is, this is a great story to have as my last.

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Please Leave A Review reviews
R&R please. Read and review. I suck at summaries, just read it. Full summary inside! Review or else. If you review, I'll give you a biscuit! Come on, why not? Read this, love it and review it! Fine. Don't. See if I care. ...Please?
Legend of Zelda - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 5 - Words: 4,367 - Reviews: 77 - Favs: 19 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 9/10/2011 - Published: 7/4/2010 - Link, Zelda - Complete
Franz Digs A Hole reviews
When Franz discovers a shovel in a cupboard, he goes outside to carve a pit into the ground. When he's finished, he has a surprise encounter with his friend, Amelia.
Fire Emblem - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 619 - Reviews: 4 - Published: 8/13/2011 - Franz, Amelia - Complete
I Hate This Story reviews
This story is discontinued! Do not read! Well, yes, I know that if I didn't want it to be read I could just delete it. Shut up! Don't question me! Anyway, it's a bad story, so there! It's your fault if you go blind from the sheer badness of this story!
Legend of Zelda - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 645 - Reviews: 14 - Favs: 6 - Published: 3/8/2011 - Link, Malon - Complete
Where's Tristan? reviews
Tristan is missing and Yugi knows whats going on. Joey has to uncover the truth and face his inner demons.
Yu-Gi-Oh - Rated: K - English - Mystery/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 79 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 1/5/2011 - YĆ«gi M., K. Jounouchi - Complete
The Gambling Hall Commissioned By L'Arachel reviews
Inspired by Joshua, L'Arachel has commissioned a gambling hall. She plays in it everyday. With her luck, how can this last long?
Fire Emblem - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,235 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12/16/2010 - L'Arachel - Complete
The Terrible and Fearsome Prince Ephraim reviews
Back in the Grado army, Amelia was taught about the monster that is Prince Ephraim. Rated T for some disturbing imagery.
Fire Emblem - Rated: M - English - Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,335 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 2 - Published: 11/27/2010 - Amelia, Ephraim - Complete
Author's Note reviews
Some author's notes tend to ramble on, occasionally dwarfing the story itself. This is my story.
Legend of Zelda - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,026 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Published: 8/14/2010 - [Link, Malon] - Complete
Link's Awakening: What Came After reviews
Was it really a smart move for Link to wake up the Wind Fish? Was Marin's wish to become a seagull a good one? What became of them after the game? This story is the aftermath of Link's Awakening DX as I see it. Rated for things that could upset children.
Legend of Zelda - Rated: K+ - English - Tragedy/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 667 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Published: 6/27/2010 - Link, Marin - Complete
Tarzan: The Fight reviews
Tarzan and Sabar fight! This is the oldest piece of writing of mine that I can find, having been written when I was five, according to the dates.
Tarzan - Rated: K - English - Adventure/Suspense - Chapters: 1 - Words: 144 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 6 - Published: 6/21/2010 - Complete
Shovels Make The World Go Round reviews
Link convinces Marin to follow him around, just like in the game. Unfortunately, any hopes he had of any sort of romance might as well be put away, because Marin has her eye on something else. Rated T for human/inanimate object romance. Marin/Shovel.
Legend of Zelda - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 872 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 3 - Published: 6/15/2010 - Marin, Link - Complete
An Epic Tale reviews
When Link and Malon try to escape a dungeon they have inexplicably found themselves in, they are almost treated to a typical adventure. Features general insanity and a small ending paragraph of Zelda/Ruto.
Legend of Zelda - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,245 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Published: 5/17/2010 - Link, Malon - Complete
The Death of Zelda reviews
Zelda is murdered in a most graphic and violent manner. Rated T for graphic and violent violence.
Legend of Zelda - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 311 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 1 - Published: 5/4/2010 - Zelda, Malon - Complete
Fans Can Be Ridiculous reviews
A short story that features the ever unpopular Link/Ruto pairing. When LoZ fans across the globe find that this is the true pairing, they don't take too kindly to it.
Legend of Zelda - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 438 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 2 - Published: 3/27/2010 - [Link, Ruto] - Complete