AlexAmericus
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Joined 03-25-10, id: 2302054, Profile Updated: 02-10-15
Author has written 13 stories for Harry Potter, Left 4 Dead, Lord of the Rings, Twilight, Death Note, Slender, Hobbit, and StarTrek: The Original Series.

Hello and welcome to the Realm of Never-ending Sarcasm, the Fanfiction.net version, please enjoy your stay and help yourself to any appetizers and refreshments. Do make yourself comfortable, as we will never leave. I'm just kidding, but seriously; sarcasm's the game, confusing insults are welcome, and passive aggressiveness is mandatory. Make yourselves at home.

Introduction

I'm AlexAmericus, but ya'll can refer to me as Alex if you wish. I'm an eighteen year old college student trying to become a productive member of society who also writes commentaries and fanfictions in my spare time. I'm mainly a commentator and parody writer, every other genre that I've tried writing in completely failed over time. I've tried writing adventure, fantasy, romance - you name it. They all fell through eventually. Although, the romance ones were the first to go. What can I say? It's hard to write about romance when you're asexual aromantic.

My Work

In the commentating business that I've started, I mostly commentate fanfictions that have been deemed as horrible by most of the fanfiction reading and writing community or those that have been voluntarily suggested by their respectful authors. My commentary is extremely harsh. I do not hold back when it comes to commentating, as it is kind of a form of therapy for me. I have a hard time showing and expressing emotion in real life due to social awkwardness, so I express it on the Internet where no one can put a face (or in this case, facial expression) to my name. Not only that, but I've been in numerous situations in life where the people around me were cripplingly stupid or the concepts were moronic, not to mention the AP U.S. History and Government classes that I took really made me think about the governmental system and all of its flaws (no, really, the U.S. government is all screwed up and a lot of times it takes someone from a different country to point it out, and even then our heads are shoved too far up our asses to do a goddamn thing). All of these mentioned factors have contributed to my sense of humor that many people read in my commentaries today.

While I can come off as insensitive to certain situations in my commentary, please note that it is mostly for the sake of the joke. Some of the fanfictions I commentate on make light of situations such as bullying, self-harm, depression, and whatnot. Those are not things to write about unless you have a very clear understanding of what it entails. I may accidentally slip up and joke about it myself sometimes. However; please know that I have been through these situations, so I do know what it's like and that I do get physically ill every time someone writes about these situations and they have no idea what in the blue hell they are talking about.

As for my own fanfictions [not commentaries mind you, I'm not a one-trick pony] I mostly write humor [okay, maybe I am :3] and parodies, but they're my own works. I have been working on a Sue-Slaying series starting with my most recent obsession: The Hobbit (movies, for me it's easier writing in the movie-verse). And I'll be working on numerous other Sue-Slaying parodies from different fandoms that I have extensive knowledge about.

My Original Characters

I can proudly say that I don't have too many OCs. I do have some from when I started my very juvenile Left 4 Dead 2 fanfiction now almost four years ago (of which I am proud to say that they have developed beautifully), as well as a couple of CreepyPasta concepts that have developed over time, but for the most part will keep to myself. My CreepyPasta OCs are really the only ones worth noting, so I will tell little tidbits about them for whoever cares.

These OCs are actually based off of my own demons that I harbor within myself, they each stand for something in my life that I wasn't necessarily proud of, or character traits of my own self that I'm also not particularly proud of.

Twitchy

Twitchy was the first CreepyPasta OC that I ever made. She stands for the criminally insane M.F. that I keep deep within myself. She is also very cat-like, which is made to stand for all the years I've volunteered at the Animal League. She is really more demonic animal than human: she has retractable claws, blank, flashlight-like yellow eyes (which turn black with very negative emotions like anger), heightened senses like smell and hearing, and every so often she'll moved around on all fours.

Her appearance is unkempt to say the least. The only thing that isn't remotely tattered is a large hooded jacket that is a copy of one that I own. Everything else is either torn up and stained with blood and mud from all the years she's been running and hunting for victims. Her hair is wild and flies all over the place, and is uneven in most places.

When it comes to victims, Twitchy hardly ever kills. This is where her cat-like traits become more prevalent; she plays with her victims, oftentimes making them paranoid and even insane and then leaving them alone for weeks on end before returning for more fun. The only time Twitchy ever kills is when she is protecting something close to her or she feels as if she has been wronged in some way (i.e. harmed).

As mentioned, Twitchy is criminally insane. She hears voices in her head constantly, has a nasty tick in her neck, and frequently has profane outbursts.

Stitchmouth

Stitchmouth was kidnapped and tortured by a madman doctor who liked to experiment on living subjects. In Stitchmouth's case; the tests he underwent were how long a human child could go without food. To benefit his own results, the madman doctor sewed Stitchmouth's mouth shut to further discourage him from eating. Stitchmouth represents the victim in me. I was bullied for several years and wanted to leave this Earth, much like Stitchmouth does. He is a scared child that wants nothing more than to escape the constant pain, which is how I was in that very awkward transition time known as middle school.

Stitchmouth's appearance is scraggly. He is malnourished, beaten, broken, and bloody from all the months of torture he underwent. His only article of clothing is a torn up doctor's coat that he managed to snag from the madman's private stores.

Stitchmouth does not kill, in fact, when he escapes, he wants nothing more than to be loved.

Sketch

Sketch is probably the most vague of my Original Characters, mostly because it is just a blank rag doll. Sketch was made to be gender ambiguous (resulting in calling Sketch 'it'), and it has no face. Sketch cannot express emotion, nor does it understand emotion. Oftentimes Sketch will sneak into a home and blend into the wall and observe human behavior, trying to figure out how people interact with each other. Sketch represents my own emotionless demeanor and curiosity of others. I frequently don't understand certain interactions between humans, and I have a hard time expressing and showing my emotions.

Sketch is merely a blank rag doll. I compare it to one of those blank modelling dolls you see on the shelves in arts and crafts stores. Because of its ambiguity, it wears no clothes, and the only indications that Sketch is a rag doll are the stitching and the lack of a face.

Sketch, like Stitchmouth, does not kill. It merely observes. However; seeing a faceless doll in pitch darkness is enough to scare someone.

Personal

Not only am I sarcastic here, I'm incredibly sarcastic in real life. Most of the time though my sarcasm is directed towards social issues, political problems, human behavior, and small everyday occurrences. You can bet that if the government shuts down I'll probably have a word or two to say about how the United States Congress is more dysfunctional than the Jackson 5. I've even started my own blog on Tumblr dealing mostly with sarcasm and my reactions to situations in life, such as when some juvenile egged the car my family gave the least shits about and desperately needed a wash anyway.

I also consider myself to be a big huge nerd. I watched Star Wars and Jurassic Park with my older brother Zack when I was a kid, when I was about five my mom read Harry Potter to us as a bedtime story, and I got into The Lord of the Rings when I was seven. I used to watch anime, but I outgrew it over time. Most of the animes I used to watch didn't really stimulate my mind the way I would've wanted them to, and most of the time I just found them hard to follow. They just seemed to me to be more elaborate cartoons from SpongeBob SquarePants and Dexter's Laboratory. I also tend to be a complete nerd over Assassin's Creed, mostly because of the historical events behind them, even if they are a little bit stretched to fit the storyline of the game.

Speaking of history, I like to consider myself a history buff as well. Other than math, science, and languages, history was one of my all-time favorite subjects. I love learning about different cultures, ideals, and beliefs. It also has to do with the fact that I love stories, and to me, a history book is the best kind of storybook (other than the ones I get my nerdy background from :P). However, with all of this research in trying to deepen my understanding of the world around me, I have become pretty neutral towards everything.

What I mean by that is that I used to be religious, I was raised Catholic. Now, I understand that because of circumstances within my own mind, I just can't believe in some invisible, all-powerful deity sitting on a cloud in a divine kingdom watching over everyone and sending people to a fiery abyss of eternal torture and burning - but he (or she) still loves you unconditionally. Pardon me, but with that concept in mind, I wouldn't even wish Hell upon Hitler, so why is God doing it? I also found my hypocrisies and contradictory situations in holy books that just didn't really make any sense. Also, if God is this divine being that can intervene whenever he or she wants to help out their "flock," then why in the world haven't they helped those starving and dying children all over the world, why have they allowed so much death to be caused because of different beliefs, why have they allowed so many people to die in disasters? There's just too many questions to ask why God hasn't stepped in to protect his or her flock. Not to mention that because people cannot agree and accept different religions, many wars have been started in the name of their God. With this, I am an Atheist. However, I do consider myself to be a reasonable Atheist. I will hear you out on what you belief in and I will respect you for believing the way that you do, just be prepared for me to say that I still won't believe a word of it. Although I will thank you for the knowledge.

Aside from my religious views, I'm also pretty neutral politically. I am registered as an Independent, and hardly ever participate in voting (due to my school schedule). To me, it is an unfortunate reality that polarization exists within the houses on Congress and beyond. We get almost absolutely nothing done, and the radicals are so set in their ways (partially at the fault of their constituents) that they are unwilling to compromise lest they won't be reelected for another term. It is a sad reality that exists in the United States, and mostly why I think that the government system is full of half-wit yahoos that have no idea what the people actually want, because the people don't even know what they want to begin with. They'll just listen to whatever Republican or Democratic powerhouse will tell them without knowing what anything actually means. For crying out loud a good amount of people can't even name the three branches of government we have.

Aside from being a sarcastic little shit that complains about hypocrisies, the government, and abysmal human behavior; I am a number of other things. I'm a college student - which explains my dismal updating rate - studying for an Associate of Science degree to become a Veterinary Technician. I've always loved animals and working with them; I've ridden horseback for eight years (it's been halted due to my regular facility being closed for good, and I can't find another one), taught children how to horseback ride for about four to five years, volunteer at my local animal shelter, and I can spend a good twenty minutes in a pet store looking at various small pets when I'm only in there to buy bird seed for the annoying little roommate I have. I'm also a hobbyist photographer and what I like to call a mercenary photographer. I've basically coined the name "mercenary photographer" because in addition to being on the Yearbook team back in high school, I've also been called upon by family friends and several other people for my abilities. Most of this is done within a few days before an event. However, I do prefer nature photography over anything, and with that leads me to calling myself a frequent hiker. I love hiking in the woods. It helps me escape reality for a while, and I tend to (nearly) always bring my camera with me to take photographs of what I've seen.

Where Else You Can Find Me

Hooray for shameless self promotion! I can be found on a number of different websites. But do not, by any means, feel obligated to follow me on those as well. It is entirely your choice.

Tumblr

alexamericus.tumblr.com

Twitter

twitter.com/AlexAmericus

DeviantArt

alexamericus.deviantart.com

Flickr (Takes you to my photostream)

www.flickr.com/photos/89147227@N02/

YouNow

http://www.younow.com/AlexAmericus

Wattpad (I am hardly ever on here)

www.wattpad.com/user/AlexAmericus

Archive Of Our Own (I am hardly ever on here)

archiveofourown.org/users/AlexAmericus/pseuds/AlexAmericus

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

In luv with legilus Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
Obvious troll fiction is SO. PAINFULLY. OBVIOUS! If it is not a troll fiction I would be surprised and mostly likely lose all hope in humanity, as the spelling, grammar, characters, and non existent plot are all horrendous enough to give me night terrors. This commentary is extremely short, it only took me thirty minutes. Rated 'T' for my sailor mouth, as always.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 13 - Words: 4,984 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 4 - Updated: 2/10 - Published: 10/25/2014 - Complete
Mary Sue Slaying Across Parallels reviews
It's a Sue-Slayer fanfiction! This is a self-insert along with a character of my own creation stumbling upon a inter-dimension portal that takes us to Middle Earth. There, we join the company as Sue-Slayers, destroying and laying waste to any Mary Sue that dares to meddle with the story. This takes place in the movie-verse. Rated 'M' for swearing and graphic depictions of violence.
Hobbit - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 20,376 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 4 - Follows: 3 - Updated: 1/13 - Published: 12/21/2014
A Trekkie's Tale Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
HEY! I'm fully aware this was written as a joke, so before you go questioning my reasoning skills...Hey guys, this is my holiday gift to everyone since my own parody series is coming along with the consistency of frozen molasses. This particular fanfiction was written pretty much as to model what a Mary Sue is and does. Rated 'T' for my ridiculously foul mouth.
StarTrek: The Original Series - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 623 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Published: 12/25/2014 - Complete
Leglos haz da ring Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
I am well aware that this is a troll fiction, I spoof trolls too. Honestly, the spelling in this one was so atrocious I was about to give up. And now I'm too tired to even write a summary. Either that or I'm excited about my favorite BS show marathon coming on soon. I have no idea. But here's another commentary after a hiatus. Rated 'T' for swearing...a lot of swearing.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 12 - Words: 4,295 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 2 - Updated: 12/17/2014 - Published: 12/13/2014
A Game of Cat and Mouse
FFNet hasn't made a CreepyPasta fandom yet, so I have to post it here. I'm writing my own CreepyPasta, I've had this idea for several months and I finally decided to act on it. My character is still an OC, so that's why I'm calling this a fanfiction. Criticism is more than welcome, as I am still new to this kind of thing. This is rated 'T' for swearing and mild violence.
Slender - Rated: T - English - Horror/Supernatural - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,263 - Published: 12/3/2014
You're mine alone Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
This one is incredibly short, and I did this on a whim in between commentaries. This one hasn't been updated in a while, so I'm assuming that it's another one that's dropped off the Earth, but authors have made a comeback in the past while I've been active. Join me as I encounter yet another Mary Sue. Rated 'T' for my sailor mouth as always.
Death Note - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,386 - Reviews: 3 - Published: 11/21/2014 - Complete
Forbidden Fruit - The Temptation of EC Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
That is one long title. Anyway, here's the new Twilight commentary. This one was suggested to me by a reader of mine, hooray! Let it be known that I'm not too partial to Twilight, but that won't stop me from commentating. After all it is my job. This one took a bit of effort because of the overuse of flowery language that nearly caused me to vomit. Rated 'T' for my foul mouth.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 9 - Words: 14,410 - Reviews: 10 - Updated: 11/7/2014 - Published: 11/6/2014 - Complete
Katherine in MiddleEarth Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
This character is quite possibly the biggest Mary Sue (aside from Ebony) that I've read about thus far. I couldn't tell you how many times I face palmed throughout reading and commentating this. The fanfiction kind of fell off the face of the Earth as well, because there's only four chapters. As always, this is rated 'T' for my ridiculously foul mouth.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,943 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Published: 11/6/2014 - Complete
Lady of Sorrow Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
I've been waiting to do this for a long time now, but thanks to the no copy-paste policy, I've had to type this whole thing out. My hands hurt. I have never read a more boring fanfiction in my life, and that is definitely something. No one asked for this, I did this on a whim as always. This is rated 'T' for a reason, and that reason is my mouth - it's foul. Worse than a sailor's.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 32 - Words: 17,342 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 10/25/2014 - Published: 10/22/2014 - Complete
Renewed (Lord of the Rings) Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
Thanks to Borys68 for requesting this. This story is from QuoteV by that title in case anyone is wondering. Due to QuoteV preventing copy-paste I had to type out the whole thing. This story has not been updated in five months, so I have no idea if they're going to continue it or not. This commentary will be listed as complete until further notice. Rated 'T' for my mouth, as always.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 12 - Words: 12,387 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Updated: 10/24/2014 - Published: 10/4/2014 - Complete
legolas by laura Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
I am continuing this, just not as soon as I said. Today is the infamous Lord of the Rings fiction 'legolas by laura.' This one took a little bit of research because FFNet won't let you copy and paste. Probably due to story-stealing. I found the text on Tumblr, and I modified it a bit from the website, added my commentary, and here it is! Enjoy my sarcasm. Rated 'T' for my mouth.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,618 - Reviews: 7 - Published: 10/3/2014 - Complete
My Immortal Revisited: Now With Commentary reviews
Not the most original idea, but I was incredibly bored one night. I have tried and tried to do this so many times through different outlets, but I could never bring myself to finish because my sanity wouldn't allow it. But now, viola! I have started this four-day monstrosity, and I am going to finish it this time! This work will be rated 'T' because of my ridiculously foul mouth.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 61 - Words: 34,162 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 7/18/2014 - Published: 6/29/2014 - Complete
Heading East
Cody and Tim Beckman are brothers, and Maris is their cousin. They were at their friend David's house when the plague started, a plague that turns people into shambling, hungry undead. They know not of what has happened to their friends and families, nor do they know what awaits them as they head east. Friends and alliances will be made, while others may be lost forever.
Left 4 Dead - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,290 - Published: 7/17/2014