Author has written 1 story for Twilight.
- Never take life seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.
- I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
- You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder.
- You are depriving some village of an idiot.
- I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
- I'm the type of person who would try to drown a fish, but people love me anyway.
- The TRUTH is that everyone is going to hurt you... You just have to decide who is worth the pain.
- When there's a will, I want to be in it.
- I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.
- Don't mess with me, I've got a stick.
- Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
- The longer I live, the more convinced I am that this planet is used by other planets as a lunatic asylum.
- Some people blame our generation, but have they ever stopped to think WHO raised US?
- WARNING: Do not follow in my footsteps. I tend to walk into walls and off cliffs.
- God created boys before girls because every true artist creates a rough draft before a masterpiece.
- I used up all my sick days at work so I'm calling in dead.
- I'm not so good at advice; may I interest you in a sarcastic reply?
- The trouble with alarm clocks is that they always go off when you're asleep.
- Person #1: Happiness is just around the corner!
Person #2: Too bad the world is round!
- Take my advice, I don't use it anyway.
- Life is like a pack of gum . . . I've yet to figure out why.
- Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.
- Death is God's way of saying you're fired. Suicide is humans way of saying you can't fire me, I quit.
- Scared to remember, terrified to forget.
- I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
- If you smile when things go wrong then you have someone in mind to blame.
- Those of us who think they know everything are annoying those of us who do.
- A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
" 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through,
say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream..
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!"
Six things I hate about people:
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is mate, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. When people say "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it too." Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
3. When people say "It's always the last place you look." Of course it is...Why the hell would you keep looking after you found it?
4. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?" No, you twat, I paid £5 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.
5. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did you?
6. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, there must have been something before it, so couldn't be new.
33 Things to do in an Elevator:
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - And back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, and then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
23. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
24. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
25. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
26. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
27. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
28. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift totting.
29. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
30. Tell people that you can see their aura.
31. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
32. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
33. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."
In Honor of Stupid People In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap," (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought??...)
On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because??...)
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a Korean kitchen knife -- "Warning: keep out of children." (hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a mattress warning label -- "WARNING: Do not attempt to swallow." (What prompted this?)
On the back of a watch -- "For Best Results Use Other Side." (I start to question the world now.)
Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity.
15 things to make your parents think you're insane.
1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say your name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion.
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I'm a retard"
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time.
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"
10. Do what they actually tell you.
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly.
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people.
13. At everything they say yell, Liar.
14. Try to swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.
94 Things I shouldn't, but probably would, do at Hogwarts:
1. I will not poke Hufflepuff’s with spoons.
2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit project for Herbology”.
3. Putting up posters in Filch’s office is not appropriate.
4. I will not go to class skyclad.
5. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
6. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.
7. I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful”.
8. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.
9. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw the Dark Mark on their arm.
10. House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
11. Staring a betting pool on the fate of this years DADA teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
12. I will not start every potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
13. “Liften Separatis Crotchum” is not a real spell.
14. I will not claim Chick Tracts are an accurate presentation of Muggle life.
15. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as”bookends”.
16. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
17. Tricking the school house elf into stripping does not mean they are now mine even if I yell “Pwned!”
18. I am not a sloth Animagus.
19. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or a piranha.
20. I do not weigh the same as a duck.
21. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
22. I do not have a Dalek Patronus.
23. I will not lick Trevor.
24. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
25. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
26. “42″ is not the answer to every question to the O.W.L.’s.
27. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
28. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
29. I will not offer to prepare tandori owl.
30. I will not teach the first-years to sing “A Wizard’s Staff Has A Knob On The End”.
31. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
32. I will not refer to Kingsley Shacklebolt as a “Big Black Sex Auror”.
33. Professor Flitwick’s first name is not Yoda.
34. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.
35. I am no longer allowed to use the words “pimp cane” in front of Draco Malfoy.
36. It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and I
should not attempt to disprove this theory no matter how wicked the
result would be.
37. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled “Firewhiskey”.
38. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not
permitted on school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.
39. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.
40. A wand is for magic only, it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.
41. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.
42. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.
43. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I
will not lift my wand skyward and shout “There can be only ONE!”.
44. I will not say the phrase “Dude, get a life.” to Lord Voldemort.
45. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.
46. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth house at Hogwarts.
And I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
47. I will not refer to the Accio charm as “The Force”.
48. Albus Dumbledore’s proper title is “Headmaster”, not “My Liege”.
49. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I foresaw her death.
50. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.
51. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.
52. Ravenclaw’s do not find a sign saying “The library is closed for an indefinite time period” amusing in any sense.
53. I am not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.
54. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.
55. I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
56. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.
57. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.
58. I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what
59. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts: A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.
60. “OMGWTF” is not a spell.
61. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.
62. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.
63. I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on who will come out alive.
64. I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.
65. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.
66. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
67. I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.
68. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sound with my wand.
69. “Draco Malfoy Takes it Up The Arse” is not an acceptable Quidditch chant.
70. I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.
71. I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.
72. I am not allowed to declare an official Hug A Slytherin Day.
73. I am not Xena: Warrior Princess and I shall not use war cries to signal my entrance into any classroom.
74. I will not try and start Naked Thursdays in the Common Room.
75. It is not necessary for me to yell “BAMF!” every time I Apparate.
76. I will not steal Gryffindor’s sword from Dumbledore’s office and use it to patrol the hallways.
77. I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.
78. I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes”.
79. I will not teach the first years to play “The Penis Game” in the Great Hall during dinner.
80. I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.
81. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
82. I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God.
83. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriote career choice.
84. I will not sing “We’re off to see the wizard” when sent to the Headmaster’s office.
85. It is not necessary to yell “Burn!” everytime Snape takes points from Gryffindor.
86. “Y’all check this-here shit out!” is not an appropriate way to announce
that you are about to perform an experimental spell.
87. I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout “I have the power!”
88. I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet.
89. I will not ask any centar about his/her mating habits.
90. I am not allowed to set up a first-year on a blind date with Moaning Mrytle.
91. I will not assassinate the current DADA teacher to get it over with.
92. I will not pluck feathers from Fawks.
93. I shall not give Professor Snape a bottle of shampoo for Christmas.
94. I shall not aim an angry dragon at the Whomping Willow and take bets on which comes out the victor.