Author has written 9 stories for Maximum Ride, and Darkest Powers.
Hey everybody! What's up? For starters, I'm a girl. I love music, writing, goofing off, sarcastic people, and other stuff I don't feel like listing. I'm a funny, sarcastic person, so if what I say to someone personally or in one of my stories offends someone, I'm going to appologize in advance. I won't change it, but nothing I say is meant to offend anybody. My hobbies inclue annoying the crap out of my sister, reading, watching TV, playing video games, playing guitar, writing songs, and, if I'm really bored, practicing my clarinet (Don't underestimate the clarinet. Just don't.). I have tones of awesome friends, and my family is pretty cool too. But, you know how families are. Sometimes you hate them, sometimes you love them.
A friend will comfort you when he rejects you, Best Friend well go up to him and say "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
A friend will be there for you when he dumps you, Best Friend will call him and whisper "Seven days..."
A friend will help you up when you fall, Best Friend will laugh because she tripped me.
A friend helps you find you're prince charming; Best Friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A friend gives you there umbrella in the rain; Best Friend takes yours and runs away.
A friend helps you move, Best Friend helps you move the bodies
A friend well bail you out of jail, Best Friend is sitting next to you saying "That was Awesome!! Let’s do it again!!"
A friend knows a lot of things about you; Best Friend could right a very embarrassing biography of your live.
A friend will teach me how to drive; Best Friend will help me push the car in the lake so I can collect insurance.
A friend will go to the concert with me; Best Friend will kidnap the band with me.
A friend will hide me from the cops; Best Friend is the reason there after me.
A friend will let me make a fool of myself in public, Best Friend is making a fool of herself next to me.
Friends Fade, Best Friends are forever.
My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friend than copy this to your profile.
X You own a cell phone.
X Black is one of your favourite colors.
X You can skateboard
X You love the computer.
X You watch/watched the Super bowl.
X You have a wall or shelf dedicated to your trophies / awards.
X You like loud music.
Your guy side
X You love hoodies.
X Shopping is torture.
X You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Your girl side:
X You wear lip gloss/Chap stick.
X You wear eyeliner.
X You smile a lot more than you should.
Wow...these things really make you rethink your life. If I wasn't such a tomboy, I'd be scared that the answeres came out that way...
For people that hate stereotypes: If you think people should just shut up and stop, put this on your profile.
(BOLD the ones you are.)
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I SUCK MY OWN BLOOD FROM WOUNDS, so I MUST have a vampire fetish.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED (I might not be all of these, but I hate pretty much any stereotype.)
If you rearrange the following words, you'll find that the same letters spell the given definition. Someone out there either has too much spare time, or is really good at Scrabble.
Dormitory: Dirty room
Astronomer: Moon starrer
George Bush: He bugs Gore
The eyes: They see
Slot machine: Cash lost in me
Desperation: A rope ends it
Presbyterian: Best in prayer
Election results: Lies! Let's recount
Snooze alarm: Alas! No more zest
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Mother in law: Woman Hitler
The Morse code: Here come dots
A decimal point: I'm a dot in place
Ninety-five percent of the kids out there are concerned with being popular and fitting in. If you're part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list. AnimeKittyCafe, Hyperactivley Bored, Gem W, Bara-Minamino, Yavie Aelinel, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Shadow929, SweetNCrazieSugarmuffin,The Komodo Dragon Phoenix, Bust_A_Groover, Takahane, Fire Thief, Sarah303, Kinkatia, Portagas D. Yumi. Why me why not you, Society's Damnation, Gaara The Eternal, cats-rock-and-so-does-cheese, SoujaGurl, EmpireofShadow, Flightgirl, Vera A, All Mighty Ruler, f.l.o.c.k.f.a.n.f.o.r.e.v.e.r., wolflover777
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: danyan, Zutara Lover, Black'n'red'Butterfly, Enrica, twilightgirl1918, Just A Little Bit Dramatic, Pirates OWNS you, Cripsee, I'll have some stupid cliche, Insane Winged Girl, UPDRAFTGIRL37,silentflier, Maximum Ride the Hero, Kara Nicole, Vera A, All Mighty Ruler, f.l.o.c.k.f.a.n.f.o.r.e.v.e.r., wolflover777
Boys say that in everything they do, they can kick a girl's butt so bad that they cry. If you're a girl who kicks the boys' butts so bad they cry like girls, copy this into your profile and add your name. Moonstar of FireClan, Flamestar, Samishi Destiny, Silverstar's Shadow, Darkangel24700, iLoVeMoOnYnPaDfOoT, Someone aka Me,Yourcool79, Give up your Prejudices, MyNameIsCAB, chibi-sarus, hawkstar2, CrazyLittleKookoo, Vera A, All Mighty Ruler, f.l.o.c.k.f.a.n.f.o.r.e.v.e.r., wolflover777
93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, Alannaswarrior, SpottedLilly, Alleyanna Cullen, danceswithwings119, gottaluvtwilight, freexflyer, Green.Winged.Mistress, MoonStarWithWings, Yourcool79, MyNameIsCAB, chibi-sarus, hawkstar2, CrazyLittleKookoo, Vera A, All Mighty Ruler, f.l.o.c.k.f.a.n.f.o.r.e.v.e.r., wolflover777
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs cpoy and psate it in yuor pofrile.
A black man walks into a cafe one early morning and noticed that he was the only black man there. As he sat down, he noticed a white man behind him.
If you think disclaimers are the most annoying thing ever copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If you like chocolate as much as I do copy this in your profile. (That depends. How much do you guys like chocolate?)
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile. (Don't you hate that?)
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever had a song in your head but can’t remember what it was called copy and paste this to your profile. (...I hate that too...)
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile. (Read through the whole night once. I was completely drained the next day. I finished the book though.)
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If your friends are WEIRD (But not as weird as you) put this on your profile.
If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites, copy this in your profile.
If you or your best friend is insane, copy this into your profile. (Both. I think I'm more though. It's a close call.)
If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.
If you have a teacher who doesn't know what the heck there doing and you hate them because they annoy you pastes this into your profile.
If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile. (Geez...I hope not. That would suck.)
If you absolutely KILLED yourself laughing when Gazzy said "'I villa now destroy de Snickers bars!' then copy this to your profile! (Good times...good times.)
If your friend(s) think you’re crazy for reading a book about six flying kids (and their talking dog) and you don’t care copy and paste this to your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you would kill to have wings, post this in your profile.
If you ever felt like killing someone (or more than one person) because they wouldn't leave you alone when you told them not to distract you because you were busy copy this into your profile.
If you were insane, crazy, and/or random, before being crazy, insane, and/or random was cool, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love Max Ride and cannot live without it, post this in your profile.
If you think Max and Fang should confess their love for each other, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever tripped down the stairs copy this into your profile. (Guess what's next...)
If you have ever tripped up the stairs copy this into your profile. (Heck yes! I'm just that awesome.)
If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile. (Like, ten times at this point. Maybe more.)
If you have ever burnt precooked food, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you are as bad a cook as Max, copy and paste this to your profile.
98 percent of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile.
If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this one your profile.
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.
if you've ever tripped where there is a WATCH YOUR STEP SIGN copy this into your profile.
If you ever fell off a chair backwards copy this into your profile. (That hurt.)
65 percent of teenagers would rather watch TV than read. If you are one of the 35 percent who would have their nose in a book, copy/paste this to your profile.
If you have ever yelled at and/or slapped an inanimate object from anger, paste this on your profile. (That's what a pillow's for.)
If you have a profile, paste this on your profile.
If you have any secrets, paste this on your profile.
If you are a girl, paste this on your profile.
If you're on the computer, paste this on your profile. (Nope, I'm just physic. Sarcasm, people. You've got to love it.)
If you have/ wish you had a dog, and wish he could talk like Total, copy this onto your profile.
If you’ve ever been yelled by your parents for reading too much, copy and paste this into your profile. (My dad found me reading at two in the morning. He got ticked.)
If you aren't me, paste this on your profile.
If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination or something to that effect, copy and paste this into your profile. (Muahahaha!)
If you ever read past two in the morning, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you love rain, copy and paste this into your profile.
Copy pastes this to your profile if you'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of pushing the button on the TV.
If you’re a CHOC AHOLIC -TALK AHOLIC -OR A-SHOP AHOLIC then copy and paste this!
If you’ve ever wanted to go into a book and slap/ scream at a character copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think Fang is hot...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you still laugh re-reading Maximum Ride, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you want to see Maximum Ride (the movie) on the first day it comes out, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you think everyone's out of their mind, copy and paste this into your profile. (Like my dad says, nobody is normal. Normal is just a perspective.)
If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you could, copy this into your profile. (I stayed up two days in a row when I was a kid. Beat that. And yes, that is over 40 hours. That morning, that night, the next morning, the next night, and the next next morning.)
If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.
If you have ever shouted out the first thing that comes to mind, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have ever shouted a random thing and then gotten glared at copy and paste this to your profile.
If you are so cool that you actually read through all of these, copy and paste it to your profile.
If you are in the 'Haters of ter Borscht' club, copy and paste this to your profile.
If people think you are mentally insane...copy and paste this onto your profile.
If they are right...copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think the world should have no violence, but probably will always have it, copy this into your profile.
If you believe that 42 percent of statistics are made up on the spot, C&P.
If you wish that a fictional character was real, copy and pastes this to your profile.
90 of teens today would die if MySpace had a system failure and was completely destroyed. If you are one of the 10 that would be laughing, copy and paste this to your Profile.
If you think that Writer's Block sucks, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten your name while introducing yourself, copy this to your profile.
If you have ever stopped to look at something in the middle of a busy street, copy this into your profile
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters...copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have inside jokes...with yourself...copy and paste this into your profile. (Don't ask.)
If you go through profiles like mad, looking at all of the copy/pasty-thingies, and copy/paste every single one that has a remote chance of being interesting, fill up your profile to the limit, and continue doing it, copy and paste this to your profile.
If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.
If you've had at least two friends move away from you...copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you love copy and paste its, even though there useless, copy this in your profile.
I'm bored...If you're bored then paste this in your profile and let the world know you have nothing to do...
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
if you are procrastinating doing work that you really should be doing right now, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have music in your soul, post this in your profile!
If you are in lama land most of the time copy this into your profile.
If you forgot your phone number when someone asks for it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a mind that you're sure no one will understand, copy this into your profile.
If, for no reason, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you've ever been in an awkward situation before paste this.
If you've ever felt like something was watching you and then turned around to find nothing, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever thought of something funny, started laughing, and fell and hit your head on something hard, and ended up laughing harder than you were before, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever heard the voices of the characters of the book you're reading in your head...copy/paste this into your profile.
If you have ever wondered why someone decided to milk a cow, copy/paste this into your profile.
If you've ever tried to lick your elbow and knew that it was physically impossible, copy this to your profile.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuudge! If you are really random put this on your profile
Put this in your profile if you know a person or two who needs to get squished by a bus... or Tyler Crowley's van
If random songs just pop into your head at any given moment, from 'I've Been Working On the Railroad', to the A morphs version of the Barney song (I hate you, you hate me, we're an alien family act. Personally, I like this version better) to your most favourite song ever, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you don’t dance to avoid injury to yourself and those around you, copy this into your profile.
If someone gave you money for no apparent reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a weird habit of writing inside jokes somewhere anyone can see, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever read/started to read a chapter in a fan fiction, got side-tracked, and forgot to review and realized it after the author posted another chapter, copy and paste this on your profile.
If you have ever slapped yourself on the head and/or banged your head on a table for no reason put this on your profile
If you're too busy petting your cat and/or reading fanfiction to finish one novel a day, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you could easily finish one novel a day, copy this onto your profile.
If you think that the kids should stop chasing Lucky and leave the leprechaun alone, then copy and paste this into your profile.
If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freaking' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this in your profile.
If you agree, that purple bunnies that are high on CATNIP and eat TACOS WILL rule the world, copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever screamed at a book or the TV copy this!
If you are Homo sapiens, put this in your profile.
If you're one of those people who get excited when the ice cream truck comes down your street copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever done the evil laugh copy this onto your profile.
If you've ever started singing in a silent room copy this onto your profile.
If you think my long list of reasons you should copy and paste this onto your profile should stop, copy and paste this onto you profile.
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Maximum Ride Crap…
What have you pulled?
If you have pulled a Max: You have made a snap decision and decided to do it without thinking it through first.
If you have pulled a Fang: You have sneaked up behind someone without them noticing, making it seem like you came out of nowhere.
If you have pulled an Iggy: You have run into an inanimate object without realizing it was there. This could include, poles, wall, doors, tables, etc.
If you have pulled a Nudge: You have talked about something nonstop for the past five minutes, not allowing anyone else to speak. This is also known as rambling.
If you have pulled a Gazzy: You have fared in a big group of people really loudly, and everyone could hear it and smell it.
If you have pulled an Angel: You have invaded someone else’s personal space, without any consideration for that person. You can also pull an Angel by gaining a whole lot of useless powers that you don't really need...but I highly recommend the first one.
If you have ever pulled any of these things stick this on your profile and write which ones you have pulled.
I’ve pulled a Max, Fang, Iggy, a Nudge and Angel.
You Know You're Obsessed With Maximum Ride When...
1. You're friends think you're crazy for being obsessed with six flying kids and their talking dog.
15 Things to do when you're in Walmart!
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
WHAT TO DO IN AN EXAM YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO FAIL ANYWAYS:
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
FUN STUFF TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag,
WEIRD STUFF THAT MAKES YOU THINK...
The toothfairy teaches kids it's okay to sell body parts.
Santa teaches you that it's okay to break into houses as long as you bring presents.
Show me a girl with both feet planted firmly on the ground and I'll show some one who can't put her pants on
I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.
Backstabbing is fun... the look on your face is priceless
Having the love of your life say "we can still be friends", is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it
I snap crackle and pop rice krispies.
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Workin' hard or hardly workin'?
I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
I believe 'die bitch' conveys my feelings properly
I say we shoot Cupid and see how he likes it.
I believe that dragons unicorns and sporks do exsist.
The first time I was chatting with someone online, they asked me "asl?" I tried to sound it out and got realy ticked of and started warning them because I thought they were calling me an asshole.
Behold the mighty...chihuahua?
When you look at the sky do you see a cloud or a dinosaur in a tutu?
Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head.
He who stands on a windowsill to see how far out he can lean without falling is a moron.
Snot is brain juice leaking out of your nose.
If you're really my friend, I'll probably make jabs at you. It's all in good fun. But don't confuse jabs with insults. Insults involve actual dislike.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
"All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies." (TOO FREAKING TRUE!)
"He who laughs last thinks slowest and he who laughs first doesn't get it."
"Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought"
"Welcome to the Ool. There's no "p" in it, lets keep it that way." (Lol...)
Every time a guy ignores me, I know it’s just because he’s a vampire in love with me, and he is too polite to drink my blood.
Did you know that they have Bill Nye the Science Guy under T.V. shows and that ten people have written stories for it?
What you call stupidity, I call selective understanding.
I'm an optimistic pessimist.
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Your multiple personalities are freaking out my imaginary friend!
It takes 48 muslces to frown but only 14 to flip some one off.
I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.
I'm going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me my friends, wish me luck, for I may not return alive.
I'm the kinda girl who always falls for the sidekick, always.
Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
Parents spend the first half of our lives teaching us to walk and talk and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Who ever said 'nothing is impossible' never tried to slam a revolving door.
(Like you don’t gasp every time you see a silver Volvo.)
I wish my lawn was emo... then it could cut itself.
Strangers have the best candy.
You stare because I’m different...(0.0) ('.') ('.') ('.')I stare because you're all the same.
Your epidermus is showing!
I do what ever my rice Krispes tell me to.
You dropped your pocket.
I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out.
I was about to take over the world, but I got distracted when I saw something shiny.
Its all gouda.
I will not make any jokes about Lupin and his 'time of the month'.
My imaginary friends are jealous of my voices.
When Edward goes to bed at night, he checks his closet for Harry Potter.
You cry. I cry. You laugh. I laugh. You jump off a bridge. I laugh.
I'm not fat. I'm just short for my weight.
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most."
Your chances of being struck by lightning go up if you stand on a hill beneath a tree raise your fist to the sky and shout, 'Storms Suck!'
'We're gonna kick Luke and Titian ass.' 'What? Luke has a tight ass?'
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history
Can I borrow your pen? I need to stab you in the eye.
Your year book picture still haunts me.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is GOING somewhere.
Don't try to out-weird me-- I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast ceral.
Don't you look at me with that tone of voice.
I'm so gangster, I carry a squirt gun.
You don't like me, well it's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.
Shakespear must have had a lot of one-night-stands because anyone who can make suicide romantic had to be a smooth talker.
Love can be soo boring
Many a grandchild was spoiled because you simply cannot spank Grandpa.
Ociffer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
Ahh pure love (smiles wistfully) It makes me sick.
You're a special kind of stupid aren't you?
Fanfictions aren't everything... but they're right up there with oxygen.
Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Colin.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.
You say crazy like it's a bad thing...
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed.
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"
They laugh because we're losers...We laugh because they just figured it out.
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
(said during baseball game) Anything going that fast should have seatbelts and a flight attendant
Stop with your premeditated spontaneity.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor is cute, screw the fruit.
If it wasnt for physics and law inforcement I'd be unstoppable.
How come we drive on a parkway and park on a drive way?
Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
A computer password is like a toothbrush: Change it every six months and don't share with anyone else
On the down side I now am registered for things I don't want to be and I find my self paying for things I didn't buy and the up side I won Aol's most creative password
I trippped over a wireless phone
Remember students, all Voldemort really needs is a hug.
They say ignorance is bliss; I would rather be blissfully ignorant then know THAT.
Never say 'things couldn't get any worse.' God takes that as a personal challenge
The world is big enough for Werewolves AND Wizards.
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx
Why are the Force and duct tape the same? Both have a light and dark side and hold the universe together.
People say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
I'm easily distrac- Look, shiny!!
Emily is not the wolf girl. I am.
I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.
I'm a big fan of letting my imagination run wild. There's always a chance it won't come back, but it always has, and usually with an odd scent attached to it.
If you're looking for sympathy, it's right between 'shit' and 'syphilis' in the dictionary.
I will temporarily rule the world, forever.
Aww heck no, I didn't kill him.
Everyday I think people can't get any stupider. Everyday I am proven horribly wrong.
Life is all about ass. Everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one.
Doctors say I have multiple personalities. We disagree with that.
If life gives you lemons, throw them back at the jerk who gave 'em to ya and demand chocolate.
In an average room there are about, 120,496 objects a Ravenclaw can use to kill you. Including the room itself.
I have the kind of friends that if my house was burning down, they'd be there making S'mores and hitting on hot firemen.
Sometimes I wonder, 'Why is that frisbee getting bigger?'... then it hits me
I wanted to be a warrior like you, not a damsel in this dress.
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
"Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a fork."
Do I have to spell it out for you or scream it in your face?!
So what if we act like imature idiots? We're having fun.
If you cry, I cry. If you laugh, I laugh. If you fight, I got your back. If you trip, I'll catch you when you fall. If you jump off a bridge... Oh heck ,wait for me!"
I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.
If I asked for your oppinion, I'd take the tape off your mouth.
I am a peaceful person that is filled with violent rage.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends. (Too. Freaking. True.)
I know at least one person who would love to push me down the stairs
Music is my boyfriend.
I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh, the fun I will have!
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh,he just took a wrong turn,got lost,and is to stubborn to ask directions.
I'm here because Heaven wouldn't take me, and Hell was afraid I'd take over.
Fanfiction...Beacuse it's cheaper then therapy.
There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they've seen me laugh, and they've seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
Ohh look its a bird, it's a plane, it's... an egg salad sandwich
Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and lose that's weird.
Whoever said "Nothing's impossible" never tried slamming a revolving door. (Or nailing jelly to the wall)
Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die, and your mom say you can still keep it.
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
I'm so gangsta, I carry a squirt gun.
Anyone can reach the stars. If you can't reach them, catch one that falls.
The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, then the rest of our lives telling us to sit down and shut up. (Soooo true)
Palm Reader: -gasp- "You're going to die. But don't worry, you'll live through it."
The light you see at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of a fast approaching train. (No. The light at the end of the tunnel is a reminder of why the hell you're in a tunnel)
If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!
Excuse me... have you seen my sanity?... I think I lost it.
Do not attempt to follow my footsteps. I walk into a lot of walls. (...Yeah, taht pretty much describes me.)
Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
You can't spell awesome without ME!
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I only lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
'If you are first you are first. If you are second you are not in first.' (Really? I didn't know that.)
I was normal before I met you!
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.(Why do all the good jokes have to be so funny, yet so wrong?)
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I say, when life gives you lemons, make apple juice and laugh at the looks people give you.
'I'm not moving backwards, I'm just moving forwards in another direction.' (Haha. That's technically true.)
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is my roof!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Wrinkles merely show where smiles have been.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
My knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
If I went to Hogwarts, and got sent to Dumbledore's office, I would so skip down the hallway and sing, 'I'm off to see the wizard...' LOL!
Life was so simple when boys had cooties.
"Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that."
"I do not suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it."
You think you're all that and a bag of chips. Well I'm all that and a bag of skittles. So taste my rainbow, bitch.
Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit just a little bit harder.
Every time you open your mouth, you get in trouble. Alternatively, just stick up your middle finger under the table.
I have reviews from teens and you don't. In your FACE James Patterson.
There's nothing wrong with taking to random objects, its when they start to talk back that you need to worry.
Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary.
Nine of the ten Voices in my head think I'm sane. The tenth is undecided.
Growing older is manditory. Growing up is optional.
When Life gives you lemons, squirt them in Life's eye, and see how much Life likes lemons then.
You say I've lost my sanity. Well I have news for you. You can't lose what you never had.
Yeah, Im a loser. but the coolest loser you'll ever meet.
"We may not make good decisions But hell, we make good stories."
"Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one. "
"I didn't lie! I just created fiction with my mouth! "
"Some people are like Slinkies: not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face, when you push them down a flight of stairs. "
"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."
"Imagination is more important than knowledge."
"The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.""
Arc, don't mock my grammar, you know this is all copy-pasted...
You know you live in 2007 when...
1. You go to a party, sit down and take MySpace pics.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have AIM/LiveJournal/MySpace.
4. You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.
6. Your evening activity is sitting at the computer. (And afternoon. And morning. It's quite sad really.)
7. You read this list, and keep nodding and smiling.
8. You think about how stupid you are for reading this.
9. You were too busy to notice number five.
10. You actually scrolled back up to check if there was a number five.
11. And now you're laughing at your stupidity.
12. Put this in your pro if you fell for it. You know you did.
13. You're sad because you fell for it and think you have to put it on ur pro
PROOF THAT THE HUMAN RACE HAS REACHED IT'S LIMITS OF EVOLUTION:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (I don't think that's what you have to worry about. It's when it comes out cold that you need to worry.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (...raise your hand if you've tried this)
This is the stupid test! 100 stupid things that people do!
1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
...wow...that's a lot...
If the sky is the limit, then what is space, over the limit?
Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?
if you blow in a dogs face he'll get mad at you, but take him for a car ride, and the first thing he does is stick his head out the window!
if two wrongs don't make a right, try three
borrow money from pessimists- they don't expect to get it back!
there are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that can't. (Heheh...that's funny.)
if olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from?
if quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'
whose cruel idea was it for the words 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
how is it possible to have a civil war?
if a fork were made of gold would it still be called silver ware?
Can you make a candle out of your earwax?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed to be a compliment? Since when are buttons cute?
Can you breathe out of your nose and mouth at the same time?
Are marbles made of marble?
Why does the last piece of ice always stick to the bottom of the cup?
If you pay for a vacation and your plane crashes on the way there, do you get you money back?
Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Can you get cornered in a round room?
Why do we wash behind our ears? Who really looks there?
Why don't the hairs on your arms get split ends?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?
In that song, she'll be coming around the mountain, who is she?
How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?
Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
Why are the commercials for cable companies on cable but not on regular television? Don't they want the people without cable to buy the cable?
Why is it that when things get wet they get darker, even though water is clear??
Why is it that when you get out of a swimming pool, your urine is hotter when you use the restroom?
Can mute people burp?
What happens if you put 'this side up' face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why is chopsticks one of the easiest songs to play on the piano, but the hardest thing to eat with?
How come you play at a recital, but recite at a play?
If heat rises, then shouldn't hell be cold?
Why is there that little space inside strawberries, as if it was meant for a pit, and then the seeds are on the outside?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?
Why is toilet bowl cleaning liquid only blue?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why do you go “back and forth” to town if you really must go forth before you go back?
Why does shaped macaroni taste better than the normal kind?
Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?
Why can't you get a tan on your palms?
If you're sick for one week and on one of those days they had to cancel school because of snow, do you have to make up that day in June?
Why do dogs sniff other dog’s bottoms to say hello, why don’t they just bark in their face or something?
Why do companies offer you "free gifts?" Since when has a gift NOT been
If something "goes without saying," why do people still say it?
You know the expression, "Don't quit your day job?" Well what do you say to
Why do you get in trouble for blocking an exit when you're standing in the doorway? In case of an emergency, wouldn't you run out, too, therefore NOT blocking the exit?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why is a square meal served on round plates?
Why is the 0 on a phone after 1 and not before 1?
Which way does a compass point in space?
Why are people allowed to put naked statues outside but why can't we run outside naked?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
If mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
Why did Mary own a little lamb?
If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?
If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?
If you were a genie and a person asked you this wish, "I wish you would not grant me this wish" what would you do?
Why are Pringles curved?
What happens if your snot freezes in your nose?
Why aren't safety pins as safe as they say they are?
If overalls are held up by the snaps at the top, then why do they have belt loops?
Why is it that its good to score under par in golf but its bad to be “under par” in any thing else?
If scientists were ever going to figure out how to travel through time, wouldn’t we now be seeing people from the future?
If our body temperature is normally 98.6 degrees, how come when it's 98 degrees outside, no one is comfortable?
Why is it the TWELVE days of Christmas when there is only one day of Christmas?
Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?
Why is "number" abbreviated as "no"? When there is no "o" in number? (intresting...)
Why do we teach kids that violence is not the answer and then have them read about wars in school that solved America's problems?
Why is Donkey Kong called "DONKEY" Kong if he's a monkey?
If a bunch of cats jump on top of each other, is it still called a dog pile?
When a boy is named after his dad, he is called 'Junior,' but what do
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch? (lol, Captain Terror...Gazzy...)
If all of the Acme stuff doesn't work, why does Wile Coyote keep buying their products?
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do you find something funny? When obviously we do?
Why do people call it an ATM machine, but they know it's really saying Automated Teller Machine Machine?
Why do people say PIN number when that truly means Personal Identification Number Number?
What did Noah do with the wood peckers on the arc?
MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. (As in me!!)
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be
stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those
who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
(1) A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I'm gonna make you the happiest woman alive." the woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
(3) Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for
(4) Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.
Allodoxaphobia- Fear of opinions.
Agateophobia- Fear of insanity. (It's too late for that.)
Alliumphobia- Fear of garlic.
Arachibutyrophobia- Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.
Bibliophobia- Fear of books. (I totally don't have this one.)
Chaetophobia- Fear of hair.
Chromophobia or Chromatophobia- Fear of colors. (I would ask if everything would be black and white, but those are colors too...0.o)
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
Anglophobia- Fear of England or English culture, etc.
Ephebiphobia- Fear of teenagers.
Ergophobia- Fear of work. (...Yeah, that sounds about right.)
Gerontophobia- Fear of old people.
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia- Fear of long words. (...Whoever came up with that name is an evil genius. They are so totally my new hero!)
Euphobia- Fear of hearing good news. (These people have very depressing lives...)
Nomatophobia- Fear of names. (...So, how do you talk to them? "Hey...person! Come here!" Yeah, that'll work in a crowded room.)
Panophobia or Pantophobia- Fear of everything. (...no comment...)
How to improve at work: (Yeah, I love this one too.)
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100.
How about achieving 103? Here’s a little math that might prove helpful.
What makes life 100?
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
K N O W L E D G E
So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far this will take you...
A S S K I S S I N G
Think about it...and have a nice day at work.
A TRUE BOYFRIEND
When she walks away from you mad: Follow her
When she stares at your mouth: Kiss her
When she pushes you or hits you: Grab her and don't let go
When she start's cussing at you: Kiss her and tell her you love her
When she's quiet: Ask her whats wrong
When she ignores you: Give her your attention
When she pull's away: Pull her back
When you see her start crying: Just hold her and don't say a word
When you see her walking: Sneak up and hug her waist from behind
When she's scared: Protect her
When she lays her head on your shoulder: Tilt her head up and kiss her
When she steal's your favorite hat: Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night
When she teases you: Tease her back and make her laugh
When she doesnt answer for a long time: reassure her that everything is okay
When she looks at you with doubt: Back yourself up
When she says that she likes you: she really does more than you could understand
When she grabs at your hands: Hold hers and play with her fingers
When she bump's into you: bump into her back and make her laugh
When she tells you a secret: keep it safe and untold
When she looks at you in your eyes: dont look away until she does
When she misses you: she's hurting inside
When you break her heart: the pain never really goes away
When she says its over: she still wants you to be hers
When she reposts this bulletin: she wants you to read it
Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything. - When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go- When she says she's ok dont believe it, talk with her- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.- Tease her and let her tease you back.- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.- Give her the world.- Let her wear your clothes.- When she's bored or sad, hang out with her.- Let her know she's important.- Kiss her in the pouring rain.- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is; "Who's ass am I kicking babe?" (I especially like that last one. Now that's a good boyfriend.)
One of my favorite quotes of all time:
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
2. My mother taught me RELIGION
3. My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL
4. My mother taught me LOGIC
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT
7. My mother taught me IRONY
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
9. My mother taught me CONTORTIONISM
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA
11. My mother taught me WEATHER
12. My mother taught me HYPOCRISY
13. My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
15. My mother taught me: ENVY
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
17. My mother taught me: RECEIVING
18. My mother taught me: MEDICAL SCIENCE
19. My mother taught me: ESP
20. My mother taught me: HUMOR
21. My mother taught me: HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
22.My Mother taught me: Genetics
23. My Mother taught me about my Roots
24. My Mother taught me Wisdom
25. My mother taught me about Justice
In a dog-eat-dog world the best thing to do is become a cat. WAY ahead of the game on that one. _
If the good die young then the bad die old; thus leaving us with only politicans left.
Goldfish have the memory span of 3 seconds, sometimes i have to wonder if i'm a goldfish.
Sarcastic Sayings (Will be updated):
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionsals built the Titanic.
AAAAA-American Association Against Acronym Abuse
Advice is cheap!...supply always exceeds demand.
Any minute now I'll jump in with pointless observations.
Anyone who can only think of one way to spell a word obviously lacks imagination.
Are you a bad side effect of my medication?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
As a matter of fact, I did sleep in these clothes.
At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization. (No offense to any atheists out there.)
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. (Too true...too ture.)
Better to get forgiveness than permission. (That's one of my mottos!)
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into perspective in one of its releases:
Children is the gift God gives you, then he steps back and laughs.
Danger: Men thinking.
Dear Lord, so far I am doing all right. Today, I have NOT gossiped, yelled, been greedy, selfish, or self indulgent. I have NOT whined, complained, moaned, or binged on chocolate or junk food. I have charged nothing on my credit cards. I am going to get out of bed now Lord, and I will need your help to get through the rest of the day!
Don't interrupt me while I'm talking to myself.
Don't let your mind wander...it's too small to be out on it's own. (That should be a Happy Bunny T-shirt.)
Smile...tomorrow's just going to be worse.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
Conscience is what hurts when everyhting else feels so good.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There is always death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
It's easiler to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator. Never got around to it.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours. (Is it sad that it took me a minute to get that?)
I am having an out of money experience.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
A day without sunshie is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. (For those of you that don't know, kleptomania is the irresistable urge to steal trivial things, like pens, paperclips, tape, etc.)
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make a woman gain five pounds.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
I'm not young enough to know everything.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beauticain.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Easily distracted by shiny objects. (That's so me!)
Thearpy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Fred Astaire was great, but Ginger Rogers did everything he did, backwards, and in high heels.
Suburbia: where they tear down trees & then name streets after them. (I like that one. Even non-treehuggers have to admit it's funny.)
Everyone has photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If you sued me, you'd owe me money.
Gone CRAZY! Be back soon.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personaility.
Happiness is...having a large, loving, close knit family, in another state!
Sometimes, I need something only you can provide: your absence.
I had some words with my wife - she had some paragraphs with me! (That's for all you guys out there.)
I feel so miserable without you, it's like having you here.
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on a disk somewhere!
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
I haven't been quite right since they took my blankie away.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two men are called a law firm, and that three or more are called a congress.
Marriage is the cheif cause of divorce.
I hate those construction barrels; they keep getting stuck under my car.
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
I'd love to help you out! Which way did you come in?
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
I'll try to be nicer...if you try to be smarter.
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtains were up.
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not user friendly.
He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.
I'm not driving badly...I'm just mult-tasking.
I'm so far behind, I won't be able to die for another 100 years.
Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.
Reader, suppose you are an idiot. And suppose you are a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
I've got more issues than a magazine.
I've stopped listening...why haven't you stopped talking.
I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.
If common sense is common, why is there so little of it?
If I can't fix it...it must NOT be broken.
Love: a temporary insanity, curable by marriage.
If we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research!
If you are taking a road trip remember - It's not the destination but the journey with screaming kids in the back that will drive you crazy.
Insanity is inherited - you get it from your children.
Let's hope intelligent life exhists in space. I'm so lonely here.
Just be happy I'm not a twin!
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Never go to bed mad. Stay awake to plot your revenge!
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so that he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Someday my ship will come. I'm sure I'll be waiting at the airport.
Some see the glass as half empty. Some see the glass as half full. I just want to know who is drinking my drink!
Too much month is at the end of the money.
A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the first word you thought of.
You shouldn't compare yourself to others...they're more screwed up than you think.
(On a Alcatraz T-shirt) Row faster. I hear banjos.
(On yet another T-shirt) My drinking team has a bowling problem.
(Let's just assume that all of these are on T-shirts until I say they aren't.) I like poetry, long walks on the beach, and poking dead things with a stick.
"A government bit enough to give you everything you want, is big enough to take away everything you have." -Thomas Jefferson.
The police never think it's as funny as you do.
Cleverly disguised as an adult.
(On T-shirt with a chicken.) The tell me I have ADD. They just don't underst...Hey look a chicken!!!!
Arguing with you is like running a race in the Special Olympics, you may win but in the end you're still a retard.
I'd tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and I don't want to see you every day.
(On T-shirt with one of those red heart beat lines on the machines in hospital. There's a long line in the middle.) For a minute there, you bored me to death.
I got this shirt for my girlfriend. (Awesome trade) (I laughed when I saw this. Even if I'm a girl, that's funny.)
If at first you don't succeed, then maybe you just suck.
(On shirt with smiley with duct tape over mouth.) Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
I know karate, and like 2 other Japanese words.
If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is NOT for you!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
(On a shrit with a stick figure on fire.) I tried it at home.
If a fat girl falls in the forest, and no one is there to see it...Do the trees laugh? (That's kind of wrong.)
(On shirt with tricycle) That's how I roll.
95% of all speices that ever existed are now extinct, so don't look so smug!
Ask me about my abilities to annoy complete strangers.
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here!
Change is good. You go first!
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
I miss my ex but my aim is getting better. (On shirt with on of those aiming things you see on gun games.)
Department of Redundancy Department.
Don't make me viiolate my probation.
Don't rush me. I get paid by the hour.
Hard work is for people short on talent.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hobbies are for people who lack direction.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed!
I can explain it to you but I can't understand it for you.
I can't wait to procrastinate.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I don't have A.D.D. Your'e just boring me.
I don't know what makes you dumb, but it really works.
I give 100% 10% of the time.
I haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.
I hear voices...and the don't like you.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are HEAVY!
I like you best. I think I'll kill you last.
I never finish anythi
I put the fun in funeral.
I recycle. I wore this shirt yesterday.
I see dumb people.
If a man speaks in the forest, and there's no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?
I'm a very good bad example.
I'm a ninja. (You can't see me.)
I'm immature, unorganized, irresponsible and loud. But I'm fun!
I'm in no shape to exercise.
I'm not cynical everything just sucks!
I'm not deaf. I'm ignoring you.
I'm not with stupid anymore.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm so broke I can't even pay attention.
It seemed like a good idea at the time. (Aren't those the famous last words? I mean, that's what I say when I screw up.)
Let's be honest, you're a moron.
Jesus loves you but I'm his favorite.
Let's go do something stupid.
Sometimes a little brain damage can help.
To be honest, I'm a liar.
Pissing off the whole world, one person at a time.
Without me it's just aweso
(Written sideways) You look really stupid with your head like that.
Good girls just never get caught.
All men are idiots. I married their king!
I'm smarter than the president.
I am the future of America. Be afraid, be very afraid!
Born free, taxed to death.
I am one of 45 million Americans that don't care what you think.
Our only hope is insane leadership.
(shirt that has picture of Bush) Miss me yet?
"Government is the solution to our problem. Government is our problem." -Ronald Regan.
You can't fix stupid, but you can vote it out.
(On shirt with yoda.) My jedi skills you will like.
(Okay we're done with shirts...for now.)
Don't worry, I forget your name too!
I'm smiling. This should scare you.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
Mail your packages early so that the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
I'm not sure what's wrong...but it's probably your fault.
Whatever you do, don't congradulate yourself too much. You're not that good.
This isn't an office, it's hell with flourescent lighting.
If I throw a stick will you leave?!
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet I'll put shoes on my cat.
Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Chaos, panic, disorder - my work here is done.
How do I set the laser printer to stun?
The Bible, the world's best-selling book, is also the wolrds most shoplifted book. (That's ironic. Geez, those new believers. Don't they know that stealing is a sin? There already behind!)
The largest toy distirbutor in the world is McDonald's.
Cockroaches can live for nine days after having their head cut off. (Dang. Kind of makes you wish you were a cockraoch, huh? Those things are almost indestructable!)
Most lipstick is partially made of fish scales. (And people wonder why I don't wear make-up. I have just ruined the lipstick business.)
Ants never sleeep. (Wow. Talk about a major case of insomnia. For all of you complaining about lack of sleep, be glad you're not an ant.)
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does. (Note to self: If you have to lose a lung, lose the left. Otherwise, you're very close to screwed.)
Buttermilk ddoes not contain any butter. (Whoever made that name drives the short bus. Forget riding it.)
Cleopatra married two of her brothers. (Geez. Talk about creepy.)
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910. (For once, I have no comment on that.)
They have square watermelons in Japan-they stack better.
The first Fords had engines made by Dodge.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients in dynamite. (Huh. There good to eat and they blow up stuff. Sweet!)
Thomas Edison, light bulb inventor, was afraid of the dark. (Why do you think he invented the light bulb? Duh!)
Over a thousand birds die a year from smashing into windows. (Those damn windows. Their just too darn clear!)
Ancient Eygptians slept on pillows made of stone. (Dang. And we complain about pillows made of feathers...)
In space, astronauts cna not cry becuase there is no gravity, so tears can not flow.
Owls are the only birds that can see the color blue.
Famous Last Words:
"Honey, watch this!"
"I've got this."
"Oh crap/(Insert cussword of your choice here.)"
"Look, no hands!"
"Am I missing an eyebrow?"
"It'll be fine."
"This is going to be awesome!"
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."
"Is it supposed to look like that?"
"I don't think it's supposed to do that..."
"What is that?!"
"Oh, he/she's perfectly harmless."
"I don't need an instruction mannual."
"Back off! I've got this!"
"I know what I'm doing."
Proof Reading Is A Dying Art:
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter. (I don't just blame the writer. I also blame the editor. It took him reading it two or three times before he realized he was reading the impossible!)
Something Went Wrong In A Jet Plane Crash, Expert Says. (And this is proof that the world is running out of good experts. It's a shame.)
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jay Walkers. (I do believe that that is illegal. Wouldn't it be against their own law-abiding morals?)
Miners Refuse To Work After Death. (No. Comment.)
Juvenille Court To Try Shooting Defendant. (Well, it's more interesting than the traditional fair trial...)
War Dims Hope For Peace. (And you thought...?)
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly; It May Last Awhile. (We've got a genius in the house, people!)
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures.
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide. (And I suspect they may be on to something.)
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges. (This is duct tape on steriods, people! Duct tape. On. Steriods. This is the future!)
Typhoon Rips Trhought Cemetery; Hundreds Dead. (Um...really? I mean...just...wow.)
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Who the h* wants to hear actors talk?" -- H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." -- Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.
"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." -- Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." -- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." -- 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.
"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training." -- Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus.
"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." -- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist in his project to drill for oil in 1859.
"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." -- Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." -- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". -- Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872.
"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon". -- Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
"No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris." -- Orville Wright. (Isn't he one of the guys who made the airplane. Aka, the "flying maching"?)
This, my friends, are all great examples of people eating their own words. So watch what you say. Because the moral of this story is to keep your big trap shut, or one day people might be makeing fun of the assumptions you make. And then who will look like the idiot?