Author has written 1 story for Harry Potter.
My name is David and i live in the UK and i love rugby. i have 3 all older than me, but my youngest sis (Pinkfashionmania14xoxoxo) and i we are always at war but i have grudgingly made a truce with her so i can get my Fanfic set up.
Officer, I swear to Drunk i'm not God!
I smile cause i have no idea whats going on!
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard
I used to be normal, until i met the freaks called my friends
Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs
People who say anything is possible have not tried to slam a revolving door
One day, we will look back on this day, laugh nerviously, and change the subject
Ever stop and think...and forget to stop again?
When people ask me where my inspiration comes from, I say : "The voices in my head." I also like muffins.
I live in my own world, but don't worry ... they know me here.
Random Motto: Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when roasted and taste good with katchup.
Random Quote: "Better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd out "u" and "i" together.
x you wear/own a pair of glasses
Feel Free To Laugh At Me, I Actually AM This Insane
Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!
Ociffer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
When life gives you lemons, spit the lemons in life's eye.
Enjoying the "Great Outdoors" would be better if it were great.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Friends are like stars, they come and go but the ones that stay are the ones that glow.
Caution: Handicapped people will be eaten by crocodiles below.
Out of my mind, please leave a message. BEEP!!
People are like slinkies, basically usless; and yet it's so amusing to watch them fall down stairs.
I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have!
Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.
I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.
Hate... A kind of love given to people who are dumb.
Scatter me across the sky, and I'll shine all night, and just like a star, I'll end up falling for you.
If you don't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you. :)
When you stressed just... YODEL!
Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now.
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
Have fun, laugh at things that aren't funny, and make a HUGE loser out of yourself in public.
Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.
Anyone can make you smile, anyone can make you cry, but it takes someone real special to make you cry with tears in your eyes.
People: Dogs must be on a leash at all times... Dogs: Grrr Bark Bark Woof Grrrrrrrr Bark
I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.
I'm rad, you're rad... but if you hug me, I'll slap you silly.
Pictures fade away but memories are FOREVER!
Take candy, not drugs.
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.
My imaginary friend thinks you have problems.
I hope you choke on every word you spoke when you were screaming at me. (not really, you weren't screaming at me... or were you?)
I am absolutely awesome (agree or die)
Caution, water on road during rain.
Hold your head high gorgeous, there are people that would kill to see you fall.
WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.
The worst part about being lied to is knowing you're not worth the truth.
If your heart was really broken you'd be dead, so shut up.
You call me a b well a B is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful so thanks for the compliment :D
If you're gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.
Even the best fall down sometimes.
Yes, I do use my hairbrush as a microphone and dance around in my underwear. Thank you very much.
Read my lips : Olive Juice: Thanks for listening, have a nice day.
Dementors: Turning people emo since 370 B.C.
A friend helps you up when you fall down. A best friend laughs and trips you again.
Live your life with arms wide open, you never know what might be thrown at you...
I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework.
I'm not random, i just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!
Please: Don't throw your cigarette butt's on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.
Weapon of choice? Hmmmm... I'd have to say... SPORK!
Save the earth, it's the only place with chocolate!
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.
They say guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, I'm pretty sure the guns help because if you stood there and shouted 'BANG' I don't think you'd kill a lot of people.
If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.
Do NOT label me, I'm no soup can!
Welcome to the internet, pants optional.
Elmo watches you from your closet.
Elmo, killed the boogey man...Barney killed elmo, Mr. Rogers killed barney! and Mr. Rogers spontaneously combusted!
Beware the zombie flowers from BEYOND beyond the grave!
Remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favorite band. You wore their shirt, and sang every word. You didn't know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. All you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. Someone finally understood you. This is what music is about." --unknown
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go. -- Dr. Seuss
"Friends would stop to ask you if you're okay. Best friends will say 'SHE'S PISSED! MOVE!" --unknown
"Nothing lasts forever so live it up, drink it down, laught it off, avoid the bs, take chances and never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted." --unknown
"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon."
"Well behaved women rarely make history."
"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."
"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."
"Good friends are like bra's. There always there to support you."
"Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence."
"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves - who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?”
"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."
"Life may not be the party you hoped for, but while you are here, you might as well dance."
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!""
Favorate pick up lines:
Do you belive in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?
You may not do Karate but your body's kickin!
If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put you and I together.
Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven.
Did you fart? Because you just blew me away...
I'm like pudding. I may look like crap on the outside but on the inside I'm as sweet as can be.
Are you a parking ticket? Cause you've got FINE written all over you.
My names not Elmo but you can tickle me any time.
Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.
Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.
Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I see.
If you were a new burger at McDonalds you would be called the McGorgeous.
Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next boyfriend.
I lost my phone number, can i have yours?
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Your so hot, the sun is jealous.
I wish I had a libary card so I could CHECK YOU OUT.
Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.
Whoever said, "Nothing's impossible," never tried slamming a revolving door.
Being mature is overrated.
Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun!
One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you.
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip 'n slide!
"What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!
Whose cruel idea was it to put "S" in the word "Lisp"?
Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods..
On Sears hairdryer:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On a Korean kitchen knife:
On a string of Christmas lights:
On a food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume:
Random Quotes (idea shamelessly 'borrowed' from Chibi Horsewoman's profile - expect this to eventually get filled up with tat)
I got fed up waiting for my stomach operation so I did it myself on the internet... I think I’ve bollocksed it right up... woargh (a complaint to a hospital reception desk from 'Modern Toss')
Don't think badly of Akane, she's really a very sweet girl... she's just a violent maniac. (Kasumi Tendo from 'Ranma ½')
Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
The National Rifle Association say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people". Yes, but I think the gun helps, don't you? I mean, you're not gonna kill too many people by just walking around shouting "BANG! BANG! BOOM! BANG! RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!", are you? (Eddie Izzard)
I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." (Tommy Cooper)
Her name was Mary. Mary Mary. And she was from Basingstoke, although that's nothing to be ashamed of. ('The Big Over-Easy' by Jasper Fforde)
"Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!" (Ian Holloway)
Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
(from Red Dwarf)
Vending Machine: Hello. How can I help you?
(from Red Dwarf, again)
Rimmer: Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?
(from Red Dwarf, yet again)
Ta-daaah! (Éclair, repeatedly, from Kiddy Grade)
Hey, another thing. Acne meds are not to be put on your eye. Well, crap! That's where I always get mine. Raaaa! (alittleinsane963)
Some fun qoutes:
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Marriage means commitment, but so does insanity."
"When in doubt, cause as much confusion as possible. With luck, there'll always be a loophole." (Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbuster.)
"You know your personal reality is skewed when, in looking in different directions to see if it's safe to proceed, you always include UP."
"Sex is like Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." (Da Yoopers. Words to live by, eh?)
Why is Cinderella a fairy tale? Any idiot can lose a shoe!
"OMGWTF!" is NOT a spell... trust me, I've tried.
A friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting in the room next to you saying, "THAT WAS AWESOME , LETS DO IT AGAIN!!"
A friend will help you up when you fall, but a best friend will point, laugh, and draw more attention to the fact that you fell.
A friend will split their lunch with you if you forgot yours, but a best friend will guard their food, stick out their tongue, and say, "You should have brought your own lunch, stupid! Now back off mine!"
A friend will ask before eating something at your house, but a best friend will come into your house, barely say hello, and head straight to your fridge.
A friend will ring your doorbell and wait patiently, but a best friend will pound on your door incessantly until you open it fifteen seconds later and say, "This situation could have been avoided if you had simply left your door unlocked!"
A friend will use the common, "I think that shirt would look nice with jeans," suggestion, but a best friend will say, "YOU IDIOT! Why are you wearing a skirt with that shirt?!" and will then proceed to tear your closet apart looking for the jeans that are in your dresser drawer, which she, of course, already knew. She will then say, "Your room looks like crap. Clean up much?"
A friend will ask if they can show you a song and will then pull it up on youtube, but a best friend will buy it and transfer it to your iPod and then tell you to listen to it or suffer their extreme displeasure.
A friend will agree to a game of cards, but a best friend will agree, then proceed to suggest 52-pickup and begin the game before you agree.
A friend will tell you to ignore the mean girls calling you names, but a best friend will keep the insults coming until a teacher walks down the hall, and will then drag you around the corner to listen as the mean girls get chewed out.
A friend will wake you up if you fall asleep in class, but a best friend will raise their hand and shout out across the whole room to the teacher that you are drooling on their book. (trust me, you will not fall asleep in that class again)
A friend will let you sleep in as late as you want after you fall asleep at four, but a best friend will wake you up half an hour later simply because they drank too much coffee and can't sleep and feel you should share their punishment.
A friend will stay on the phone with you as long as you need to talk, but a best friend will stay on the phone until they arrive at your house and will then stay there until you kick them out four days later when you are completely recovered.
A friend will laugh about a prank a teacher pulled on you, but a best friend will help you plot and carry out your revenge while laughing. (being in a prank war with your teacher is just plain awesome)
Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Ad in Hospital Waiting Room:
Seen on a bulletin board:
When I Read About the Evils of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading
My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ...
Sign In A Bar:
Sign In A Restaurant:
Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window:
There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
TAKE PRECAUTIONS WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.
this is this cat
this is is cat
this is how cat
this is to cat
this is keep cat
this is a cat
this is retard cat
this is busy cat
this is for cat
this is forty cat
this is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much
When you rearrange the letters:
THE MORSE CODE :
A DECIMAL POINT:
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend/girlfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws
One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."
Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity ...
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
P: Target radar hums.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
And the best one for last...
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
A wife walks up to her preacher and says, my husband keeps falling during the sermon and it's embarassing how do I fix it? The preacher hands her a pin and says, when your husband falls asleep I will give you a signal and you poke him with the pin, Then later during the sermon the preacher notices her husband had fallen asleep and asked, who is our savior? Then gave the woman the signal so she pokes him and he jumps up yelling Jesus! A while later he notices he had fallen asleep again and asked, Who is our lord? And gave her the motion. Being poked he jumped up yelling God! A few minutes later he fell asleep but this time the preacher did not notice and asked, What did Eve say to Adam after she had bore him his 99 child? Then made a motion the woman mistook as the signal and she poked him, he jumped up again and yelled, You stick that thing in me 1 more time I'll take it, break it in half, and shove it up your butt!! All the woman in the crowd nodded and said, AMEN!
Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.
He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"
Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"
A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.
She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."
"What did you not understand ?"
And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"
There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.
If you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.
"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down"
A blonde, brunette and redhead passed away in a car accident.
They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in.
The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically.
When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her "What happened?"
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"
"The person called back."
SEVENTEEN TO STALKER
F you've even fallen UP stairs, copy this onto your profile
98 percent of the teenage population does OR has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who HASN'T, copy and paste this in your profile.
92 percent of teenagers would DIE if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it wasn't COOL to breathe. Put this in your profile if you would be part of the percent laughing your butt off.
If you HATE those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing FIT for absolutely NO reason, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you TALK BACK to the TV, copy this into your profile
IF YOU love HATERS because they have no lives copy this to your Profile...
IF the small dreary town of FORKS is on your 'must visit' list, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you REALLY know what happened to BAMBI'S mom, copy this onto you profile.
If you read Twilight fan-fics all day to soothe the acheing pain that MIDNIGHT SUN might not come out for a while, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you have siblings that drive you CRAZY then copy this onto your profile.
If you have a LONG profile like this, make it longer BY copying this onto your profile.
95 percent of teenage girls would be crying if that Jonas Brothers were about to throw themselves off the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, if you are one of the 5 percent WHO would be yelling 'JUMP ASSHOLES' copy this onto your profile. (Sorry Jonas Brother fans.)
If you REALIZE that PIE will take over the WORLD someday, copy this onto your profile.
If you REALIZED that EVERY sentence on this list had at least TWO or more words except one, copy this onto your profile.
IF you are laughing at yourself NOW, copy this onto your profile.
One fine day in the middle of the night,
One was blind and the other couldn't see,
A paralysed donkey passing by,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Dedicated to all the asian wannabe gangsters out there. Seriously, stop trying...
I'm a Chingstah
Look at that hot chick looking this way
Repeat Chorus 1
I'm ballin on some 13 inch rims, cus I'm bad
I'm a Chingstah
Another thing by nigahiga. Hey, can't help it if I'm obsessed!!
Where did How to be Gangster and How to be Emo go!? Its not Youtube's fault, its the companies who are forcing them to remove videos.
You may be obsessed with Star Wars if...
... your favorite book of the Bible is 'Luke.'
... you refer to children as 'younglings,' elevators as 'turbolifts,' and bathrooms as 'refreshers.'
... you have looked for Ewoks when entering a wooded area.
... you address your teachers as "Master."
... you have attempted to use a glowstick as a miniature weapon.
... when an object was out of your reach, you have extended your hand toward it and expected it to come to you.
... you wave you hand in front of you to open automatic doors.
... you have quoted lines from the Star Wars movies unintentionally.
... you have ever attempted to perform a jung ma.
... you even know what a jung ma is.
... you have ever been surprised to open a refrigerator and find that the milk is not blue.
... you know how to write in Aurebesh.
... you have ever insulted someone by calling them 'sleemo.'
... you have painted or drawn a picture in which there are at least two suns in the sky.
... you understand any of this.
This is all for now!
I hope that this is sorta Luminescence for ya all!
May the Force be with you all.
Every Abortion Is Just:
Yes, I'm pro-life. And incase you're wondering, no, I didn't write that, but I would be honored to shake the author's hand.
He's right about that you know.
IF YOU IGNORE THIS WITHOUT READING IT YOU HAVE NO HEART...BUT IF YOU FIND YOU CANNOT STOP UNTIL YOU REACH THE END THEN YOU MUST HAVE A VERY BIG HEART.
Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
In memory of the Columbian students that were lost
Now you have two choices
1) repost and show you care
2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart
(Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)
I love Top Gear. The latest series is over! Noooooooooooooo!! I think I might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! :'-(
In more T.V. related news, I can't WAIT for Easter. Forget the turkey, forget the chocolate, BRING ON THE NEW SERIES OF DOCTOR WHO!!
The 10 Commandments of a Teenager!
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
7) Thou shall not skip class.
8) Thou shall not kiss girls in school. (Kiss them outside insted.)
9) Thou shall not worry about tests. (Just cheat on them: better marks.)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
Random funny phrases, do with them what you will.
If someone looks at you funny, flip them the finger.
When someone tells you to act your age, yell at the top of your lungs "I AM!"
If a parent/guardian asks you, "What did you learn at school today?" answer, "I learnt how to survive it."
Never suffer from insanity, enjoy every minute of it.
Remember that all actions have reactions... (You don't wana know why I put this in here, believe me!)
When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Say to them, "Well of course it is! Why the hell would I keep looking for it after I found it?!"
While waiting at a bus stop, if someone asks you, "Has the bus come yet?" reply, "If the bus had come, I wouldn't be standing here now would I?"
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
To attract men, wear a perfume called New Car Interior.
Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
They say "guns don't kill people; people kill people", but I think guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you would kill too many people.
Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real. You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie.
I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.
Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
She's my best friend. Break her heart and I'll break your face.
(Say to a boy:) Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.
I'm the type of girl that manages to plan a whole world domination in Histroy class.
I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened a year ago.
It's us versus the world...we attack at dawn!
Real friends don't let you do stupid things... alone.
It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?
Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them!
Yeah I'm unique, just like every one else.
If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off
Don't count the days, make the days count
When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand apples!
Yeah, the grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow
Be thankful for what you have, because it's probably more than most
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you
I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
I'm not crazy, you're just more sane than I am
I used up all my sick days...so I called in dead
I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the heck am I?
I smile because I have no idea what's going on!
Be a loser! Because being cool is soo overrated!
Amatuers made The Ark, experts made the Titanic...
Stressed is Desserts backwards :)
When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back!
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
Before you criticize some one, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away so they can’t hear you and you still have their shoes on.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
People say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people!" Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled Bang, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
Where's the good in goodbye?
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
We all smile in the same language
On the other hand, you have different fingers
I didn't slap you! I hi-fived your face!
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why we call it the present!
My door is always open, so feel free to leave
Second place is the first loser
There's a light at the end of every tunnel...lets just hope it's not a train
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I swear to drunk I'm not god
I am in shape...round is a shape
I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up
I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool.
One tequila... two tequila... three tequila...floor!
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore, I'm perfect!
I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!
My mum keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Smile...it confuses people!
If it wasn't for electricity, we would all be watching TV by candle light.
A balanced diet is a piece of chocolate in each hand
He who laughs last thinks slowest
Did you know 8 out of 3 people don't get fractions?
God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman
We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid
A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort
Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.
The computer swallowed grandpa.
It devoured him completely,
I've searched through the recycle bin
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who
learned to use the Computer...
They are the greatest !!
We do not stop playing because we grow old;
SUPER GRANNY- Defender of Justice
The following is a true story
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran as though they were possessed. The elderly lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.
She was so shaken that she couldn't get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces down.
She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly rolled in the floor with laughter.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
Notes to Self...
1.Do not introduce self as roleplaying character in public.
2.Do not talk to fictional characters in public.
3.Do not answer fictional characters in public.
4.Do not talk to inanimate objects in public.
5.Do not go out in public.
6.Disregard above note.Perform numbers 1 to 4.
8.Don't die alone. Take many people with you.
9.Floor is slippery when wet.
10.Lake is slippery when dry.
11.Only talk to strangers you know.
12.Strangers you don't know are spies... Kill them all.
13.For legal purposes be sure to delete above note.
14.Tell people about the spies that are trying to kill you.
15.Kill them for security purposes.
16.Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings.
17.Make a scene whenever humanly possible.
18.The men in white coats are not your friends.
19.Ask them for a room with lots of sharp, pointy objects.
20.When that doesn't work, ask for a designer jacket.
21.Chicken soup, although good for colds, is not the best cure for drowning.
22.Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.
23.Unlike fine wine, milk does not get better with age.
24.Always remember, um... um... Damn.
25.Train army of flying monkeys.
26.Goldfish don't like milk.
27.Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.
28.Find out who invented the word "pianist".
29.People are staring at you.
30.So act insane.
31.People are weird, but not as weird as me.
32.Do not taunt animals at zoo. They have feelings... And teeth.
33.Little people are aggressive. Stay away from little people.
34.Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experiance. Do this as much as possible.
35.You'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me... Bonding.
36.Never pet a burning dog.
37.Never make eye contact with a naked man. Especially if you are wearing a parka.
38.Naked men dig parkas.
39.Beware the naked man who offers you his parka.
40.You know what would look good on you?
42.Don't worry. It's only a harmless pimento bug.
43.The size of Danny DeVito.
44.Making an amusing facial expression. Like this.
45.Numbers are evil. Count in clovers.
46.Stalking is fun. Do it more.
47.Make a large sign saying, "Look at me, I'm a gumnut tree!"
48.No matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.
49.That way is rum.
50.Constipated people don't give a sh-t.
51.The Ten Steps To Dying.
2.Be rushed to hospital.
3.Not be saved.
4.Be mourned over.
5.Be buried in the dirt.
6.Have your grave looted.
10.Have your bones re-animated and used to cause pain, terror and chaos.
52.You cannot kill the snow.
53.The snow can kill you.
54.Grass can also kill you.
55.The leprechaun on the cereal box said I can't get his lucky charms...
56.Catch and castrate leprechaun.
57.HE is real... No matter what the men in white coats say.
58.Staple paper in the middle of the page.
59.In case of blank looks, laugh maniacally.
60.You are not haxxor l337 or an uberhacker or anything like that.
61.Pretend to be so around teh n00bs.
62.Do not go out with voice #7. He is a sadistic, soul sucking demon.
63.Disregard last note. Go out with demon. Who needs a soul anyway?
64.Ask Senior Diablo for a bigger pitchfork.
65.Remember to kill HIM...
66.Tell the small children in Toys 'R' Us that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.
67.Note reactions. Avoid parents.
68.The blood of infants gives unholy superpowers according to Jhonen C. Vasquez. Test theory.
69.Scream, the doctors don't like it, they'll give you a shot of something nice.
70.Hide the bodies, otherwise peole ask embarressing questions.
71.Eat the evidence.
72.But not if it's broken glass.
73.When in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run.
74.Do not tell children that Santa is fat because he eats kids.
75.Disregard last note.
77.On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.
78.Stock up on ball point pens.
79.Learn to fly. Tell no one.
80.The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.
81.Do not stick fingers into blender.
82.Blender... Bad... Ouch.
83.Blood loss is bad.
84.Find way to re-attatch fingers.
85.Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.
86.Answer every question with a question.
87.Ask people what gender they are.
89.Refer to people as "mortal".
90.The Seagull From Hell is out to get me.
91.Kill all enemies in most disturbing way possible.
92.Start by drowning them in fire ants.
93.Find the creators of pop-up messages.
96.Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination.
97.Dunk head in boiling water.
98.Disregard last note. Was written by Voice #7.
99.Gullible IS written on the ceiling!
100.Investigate this whole "critical mass" thing when the klaxon dies down...
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