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Joined 05-02-10, id: 2349182, Profile Updated: 05-02-10
Author has written 1 story for Harry Potter.

Hey people,

My name is David and i live in the UK and i love rugby. i have 3 all older than me, but my youngest sis (Pinkfashionmania14xoxoxo) and i we are always at war but i have grudgingly made a truce with her so i can get my Fanfic set up.

Officer, I swear to Drunk i'm not God!

I smile cause i have no idea whats going on!

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard

I used to be normal, until i met the freaks called my friends

Boys are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs

People who say anything is possible have not tried to slam a revolving door

One day, we will look back on this day, laugh nerviously, and change the subject

Ever stop and think...and forget to stop again?

When people ask me where my inspiration comes from, I say : "The voices in my head." I also like muffins.

I live in my own world, but don't worry ... they know me here.

Random Motto: Be kind to dragons, for thou art crunchy when roasted and taste good with katchup.

Random Quote: "Better to keep your mouth shut and have people think you're a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt." - Mark Twain


Man: Where have you been all my life?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could re-arrange the alphabet, I'd out "u" and "i" together.
Woman: Really, I'd put "f" and "u" together.


x you wear/own a pair of glasses
x you've played some sort of video game 5 hours straight
you have GI Joes or toy dinosaurs
you pack your lunch to school
x reading books are fun
sometimes you go to the library to 'hang out'
x you like eating chinese food with chopsticks
you don't need a calculator to ... add this up.
you get good grades
you've corrected people's grammer
math class rocks!
x you've told someone a joke and nobody laughed
you've won the ... spelling bee in elementary school
girls/boys have cooties! EWWWWW
x you've watched t.v. for 4 hours straight
sports are just not my thing
x you have/had a pet tarantula, snake, and/or lizard
you cried because you got an F on something
your homework is always turned in on time
you're NEVER late for class
Batman is the coolest superhero EVER!! DUUHHH
you've corrected the teacher
you want to be a doctor or surgeon when you grow up
you have a napolean dynamite t-shirt
x you always have a pen or pencil for class
you're an honor student

8X4=32

32 nerd


Feel Free To Laugh At Me, I Actually AM This Insane

Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!

Ociffer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!

When life gives you lemons, spit the lemons in life's eye.

Enjoying the "Great Outdoors" would be better if it were great.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Friends are like stars, they come and go but the ones that stay are the ones that glow.

Caution: Handicapped people will be eaten by crocodiles below.

Out of my mind, please leave a message. BEEP!!

People are like slinkies, basically usless; and yet it's so amusing to watch them fall down stairs.

I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have!

Don't you dare tell me the sky is the limit when there are footsteps on the moon.

I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something sparkly.

Hate... A kind of love given to people who are dumb.

Scatter me across the sky, and I'll shine all night, and just like a star, I'll end up falling for you.

If you don't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you. :)

When you stressed just... YODEL!

Don't hit kids. No, seriously, they have guns now.

Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.

Have fun, laugh at things that aren't funny, and make a HUGE loser out of yourself in public.

Two things are infinite; the universe, and human stupidity... not so sure about the universe.

Anyone can make you smile, anyone can make you cry, but it takes someone real special to make you cry with tears in your eyes.

People: Dogs must be on a leash at all times... Dogs: Grrr Bark Bark Woof Grrrrrrrr Bark

I stay as confused as a gangster with a skateboard.

I'm rad, you're rad... but if you hug me, I'll slap you silly.

Pictures fade away but memories are FOREVER!

Take candy, not drugs.

Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.

Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel it.

My imaginary friend thinks you have problems.

I hope you choke on every word you spoke when you were screaming at me. (not really, you weren't screaming at me... or were you?)

I am absolutely awesome (agree or die)

Caution, water on road during rain.

Hold your head high gorgeous, there are people that would kill to see you fall.

WARNING: Children left unattended will be sold to the circus.

The worst part about being lied to is knowing you're not worth the truth.

If your heart was really broken you'd be dead, so shut up.

You call me a b well a B is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful so thanks for the compliment :D

If you're gonna be two faced, sweetie, at least make one of them pretty.

Even the best fall down sometimes.

Yes, I do use my hairbrush as a microphone and dance around in my underwear. Thank you very much.

Read my lips : Olive Juice: Thanks for listening, have a nice day.

Dementors: Turning people emo since 370 B.C.

A friend helps you up when you fall down. A best friend laughs and trips you again.

Live your life with arms wide open, you never know what might be thrown at you...

I don't have a dog... I eat my own homework.

I'm not random, i just have many tho- OH A SQUIRREL!

Please: Don't throw your cigarette butt's on the floor, the cockroaches are getting cancer.

Weapon of choice? Hmmmm... I'd have to say... SPORK!

Save the earth, it's the only place with chocolate!

There are three kinds of people: Those who can count, and those who can't.

They say guns don't kill people, people kill people. Well, I'm pretty sure the guns help because if you stood there and shouted 'BANG' I don't think you'd kill a lot of people.

If you were a booger, I'd pick you first.

Do NOT label me, I'm no soup can!

Welcome to the internet, pants optional.

Elmo watches you from your closet.

Elmo, killed the boogey man...Barney killed elmo, Mr. Rogers killed barney! and Mr. Rogers spontaneously combusted!

Beware the zombie flowers from BEYOND beyond the grave!


Remember the first time you went to a show and saw your favorite band. You wore their shirt, and sang every word. You didn't know anything about scene politics, haircuts, or what was cool. All you knew was that this music made you feel different from anyone you shared a locker with. Someone finally understood you. This is what music is about." --unknown

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." -- Mark Twain

You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go. -- Dr. Seuss

"Friends would stop to ask you if you're okay. Best friends will say 'SHE'S PISSED! MOVE!" --unknown

"Nothing lasts forever so live it up, drink it down, laught it off, avoid the bs, take chances and never have regrets because at one point everything you did was exactly what you wanted." --unknown

"Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars."

"Don't tell me the sky is the limit, when there are footprints on the moon."

"Well behaved women rarely make history."

"Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me."
Bella Swan, New Moon, p.93

"Good friends are like stars...You don't always see them, but you know they are always there."

"Good friends are like bra's. There always there to support you."

"Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence."

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination. It is our light more than our darkness which scares us. We ask ourselves - who are we to be brilliant, beautiful, talented, and fabulous. But honestly, who are you to not be so?”

"Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you."

"Life may not be the party you hoped for, but while you are here, you might as well dance."

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!""


Favorate pick up lines:

Do you belive in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?

You may not do Karate but your body's kickin!

If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put you and I together.

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven.

Did you fart? Because you just blew me away...

I'm like pudding. I may look like crap on the outside but on the inside I'm as sweet as can be.

Are you a parking ticket? Cause you've got FINE written all over you.

My names not Elmo but you can tickle me any time.

Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here.

Do you have a map? I just keep on getting lost in your eyes.

Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only Ten I see.

If you were a new burger at McDonalds you would be called the McGorgeous.

Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next boyfriend.

I lost my phone number, can i have yours?

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Your so hot, the sun is jealous.

I wish I had a libary card so I could CHECK YOU OUT.


Sometimes I wonder, "Why is the Frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

Whoever said, "Nothing's impossible," never tried slamming a revolving door.

Being mature is overrated.

Slinky + Escalator = Endless fun!

One out of four people is insane. Look at three of your friends. If it's not them, it's you.

When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip 'n slide!

"What you're looking for is always in the last place you look" Well, DUH, smart one! After you find it, you stop looking!

Whose cruel idea was it to put "S" in the word "Lisp"?


Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods..

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)


Random Quotes (idea shamelessly 'borrowed' from Chibi Horsewoman's profile - expect this to eventually get filled up with tat)

I got fed up waiting for my stomach operation so I did it myself on the internet... I think I’ve bollocksed it right up... woargh (a complaint to a hospital reception desk from 'Modern Toss')

Don't think badly of Akane, she's really a very sweet girl... she's just a violent maniac. (Kasumi Tendo from 'Ranma ½')

Blackadder: Baldrick, have you no idea what irony is?
Baldrick: Yes, it's like goldy and bronzy only it's made out of iron.

The National Rifle Association say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people". Yes, but I think the gun helps, don't you? I mean, you're not gonna kill too many people by just walking around shouting "BANG! BANG! BOOM! BANG! RAT-TAT-TAT-TAT!", are you? (Eddie Izzard)

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died." (Tommy Cooper)

Her name was Mary. Mary Mary. And she was from Basingstoke, although that's nothing to be ashamed of. ('The Big Over-Easy' by Jasper Fforde)

"Every dog has its day, and today is woof day! Today I just want to bark!" (Ian Holloway)

Lister: Where is everybody, Hol?
Holly: They're dead, Dave.
Lister: Who is?
Holly: Everybody, Dave.
Lister: What, Captain Hollister?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Todhunter?
Holly: Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: What, Selby?
Holly: They're all dead. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Petersen isn't, is he?
Holly: Everybody is dead, Dave.
Lister: Not Chen?
Holly: Gordon Bennett! Yes! Chen, everybody. Everybody's dead, Dave.
Lister: Rimmer?
Holly: He's dead, Dave. Everybody's dead. Everybody is dead, Dave!
Lister: Wait... are you trying to tell me everybody's dead?
Holly: I should've never let him out in the first place...

(from Red Dwarf)

Vending Machine: Hello. How can I help you?
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: (counts fish) Fish!
Vending Machine: Today's fish is Trout a la crème. Enjoy your meal.
Cat: I will.

(from Red Dwarf, again)

Rimmer: Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, its bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it?
Legion: The light switch.
Rimmer: Ah, I couldn't buy it then?
Legion: Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off.

(from Red Dwarf, yet again)

Ta-daaah! (Éclair, repeatedly, from Kiddy Grade)

Hey, another thing. Acne meds are not to be put on your eye. Well, crap! That's where I always get mine. Raaaa! (alittleinsane963)


Some fun qoutes:

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

"Marriage means commitment, but so does insanity."

"When in doubt, cause as much confusion as possible. With luck, there'll always be a loophole." (Dr. Peter Venkman, Ghostbuster.)

"You know your personal reality is skewed when, in looking in different directions to see if it's safe to proceed, you always include UP."

"Sex is like Bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand." (Da Yoopers. Words to live by, eh?)


Why is Cinderella a fairy tale? Any idiot can lose a shoe!

"OMGWTF!" is NOT a spell... trust me, I've tried.

A friend will bail you out of jail, but a best friend will be sitting in the room next to you saying, "THAT WAS AWESOME , LETS DO IT AGAIN!!"

A friend will help you up when you fall, but a best friend will point, laugh, and draw more attention to the fact that you fell.

A friend will split their lunch with you if you forgot yours, but a best friend will guard their food, stick out their tongue, and say, "You should have brought your own lunch, stupid! Now back off mine!"

A friend will ask before eating something at your house, but a best friend will come into your house, barely say hello, and head straight to your fridge.

A friend will ring your doorbell and wait patiently, but a best friend will pound on your door incessantly until you open it fifteen seconds later and say, "This situation could have been avoided if you had simply left your door unlocked!"

A friend will use the common, "I think that shirt would look nice with jeans," suggestion, but a best friend will say, "YOU IDIOT! Why are you wearing a skirt with that shirt?!" and will then proceed to tear your closet apart looking for the jeans that are in your dresser drawer, which she, of course, already knew. She will then say, "Your room looks like crap. Clean up much?"

A friend will ask if they can show you a song and will then pull it up on youtube, but a best friend will buy it and transfer it to your iPod and then tell you to listen to it or suffer their extreme displeasure.

A friend will agree to a game of cards, but a best friend will agree, then proceed to suggest 52-pickup and begin the game before you agree.

A friend will tell you to ignore the mean girls calling you names, but a best friend will keep the insults coming until a teacher walks down the hall, and will then drag you around the corner to listen as the mean girls get chewed out.

A friend will wake you up if you fall asleep in class, but a best friend will raise their hand and shout out across the whole room to the teacher that you are drooling on their book. (trust me, you will not fall asleep in that class again)

A friend will let you sleep in as late as you want after you fall asleep at four, but a best friend will wake you up half an hour later simply because they drank too much coffee and can't sleep and feel you should share their punishment.

A friend will stay on the phone with you as long as you need to talk, but a best friend will stay on the phone until they arrive at your house and will then stay there until you kick them out four days later when you are completely recovered.

A friend will laugh about a prank a teacher pulled on you, but a best friend will help you plot and carry out your revenge while laughing. (being in a prank war with your teacher is just plain awesome)


Advertisement In A Long Island Shop:
Guitar, for sale ... Cheap ... no strings attached.

Ad in Hospital Waiting Room:
Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

Seen on a bulletin board:
Success Is Relative. More the Success, More the Relatives.

When I Read About the Evils of Drinking ... I Gave Up Reading

My Grandfather Is Eighty And Still Doesn't Need Glasses ...
He Drinks Straight Out Of The Bottle.


You Know Your kids Have Grown Up When:
Your Daughter Begins To Put On Lipstick! Or Your Son Starts To Wipe It Off.

Sign In A Bar:
'Those Of You Who Are Drinking To Forget, Please Pay In Advance.'

Sign In Driving School:
If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.


Behind Every Great Man, There Is A Surprised Woman.


The Reason Men Lie Is Because Women Ask So Many Questions.

Sign in a Hospital ward:
Laugh and the World Laughs with You,
Snore and You sleep Alone.



Sign at a Barber's Saloon:
We Need Your Heads To Run Our Business.

Sign In A Restaurant:
All Drinking Water In This Establishment Has Been Personally Passed By The Manager.

Sign On A Famous Beauty Parlour Window:
Don't Whistle At The Girls Going Out From Here.
She May Be Your Grandmother!


Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

TAKE PRECAUTIONS WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!


Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person can't.

this is this cat

this is is cat

this is how cat

this is to cat

this is keep cat

this is a cat

this is retard cat

this is busy cat

this is for cat

this is forty cat

this is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.


Subject: Scrabble

This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails I've received in awhile. Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law).


You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend/girlfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws


One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell.
As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."

Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie, you're already dead, remember?"

Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet yo u like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."

Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You
can do all the drugs you want You're dead so who cares."

Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."

Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."


Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity ...

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last...

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget


A wife walks up to her preacher and says, my husband keeps falling during the sermon and it's embarassing how do I fix it? The preacher hands her a pin and says, when your husband falls asleep I will give you a signal and you poke him with the pin, Then later during the sermon the preacher notices her husband had fallen asleep and asked, who is our savior? Then gave the woman the signal so she pokes him and he jumps up yelling Jesus! A while later he notices he had fallen asleep again and asked, Who is our lord? And gave her the motion. Being poked he jumped up yelling God! A few minutes later he fell asleep but this time the preacher did not notice and asked, What did Eve say to Adam after she had bore him his 99 child? Then made a motion the woman mistook as the signal and she poked him, he jumped up again and yelled, You stick that thing in me 1 more time I'll take it, break it in half, and shove it up your butt!! All the woman in the crowd nodded and said, AMEN!

Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away."

The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off and go relax."

Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically.

He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?"

Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"


A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"


There was this bar and in the bar there was a magic mirror.

If you told a lie it would suck you in.

One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.

Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.


A blonde went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve.

"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"


A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"


Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks like it is going to rain and the top is down"


A blonde, brunette and redhead passed away in a car accident.

They arrive at the pearly gates and they are told they will be told a joke every 10 steps and they must make it up 100 steps. If they laugh they will not able to get in.

The brunette went up 30 steps and laughed. The redhead went up 50 steps and laughed. The blonde got up all the way to the top and then started laughing hysterically.

When asked "Why did you laugh when you got to the top?" The blonde replied, "I just got the first joke!"


A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.

The doctor asked her "What happened?"

She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang, but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."

"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But what happened to your other ear?"

"The person called back."


SEVENTEEN TO STALKER

SEVENTEEN:
YOU LOOK AT THEIR PROFILE/PICTURE CONSTANTLY.

SIXTEEN:
WHEN YOUR ON THE PHONE WITH THEM LATE AT NIGHT AND THEY HANG UP, YOU STILL MISS THEM EVEN WHEN IT WAS JUST TWO SECONDS AGO.

FIFTEEN:
YOU READ THEIR TEXTS or IMS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

FOURTEEN:
YOU WALK REALLY SLOW WHEN YOU'RE WITH THEM.

THIRTEEN:
YOU FEEL SHY WHENEVER YOU'RE/THEY'RE AROUND.

ELEVEN:
WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM, YOUR HEART BEATS FASTER AND SLOWER AT THE SAME TIME.

TEN:
YOU SMILE WHEN YOU HEAR THEIR VOICE.

NINE:
WHEN YOU lOOK AT THEM, YOU CAN'T SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU, All YOU SEE IS HIM/HER.

EIGHT:
YOU START LISTENING TO SLOW SONGS, WHILE THINKING OF THEM.

SEVEN:

THEY'RE ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.

SIX:
YOU GET HIGH JUST FROM THEIR SCENT.

FIVE:
YOU REALlIZE THAT YOU'RE AlWAYS SMILING TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM.

FOUR:
YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEM, OR ANYTHING TO SEE THEM.


THREE:
WHILE READING THIS, THERE WAS ONE PERSON ON YOUR MIND THE WHOLE TIME...

TWO:
YOU WERE SO BUSY THINKING ABOUT THAT PERSON, YOU DID'NT NOTICE NUMBER TWELVE IS MISSING.

ONE:
YOU JUST SCROLLED UP TO CHECK & YOU ARE NOW SILENTLY LAUGHING.
NOW MAKE A WiSH. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO...


F you've even fallen UP stairs, copy this onto your profile

98 percent of the teenage population does OR has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who HASN'T, copy and paste this in your profile.

92 percent of teenagers would DIE if Abercrombie and Fitch told them it wasn't COOL to breathe. Put this in your profile if you would be part of the percent laughing your butt off.

If you HATE those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing FIT for absolutely NO reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you TALK BACK to the TV, copy this into your profile

IF YOU love HATERS because they have no lives copy this to your Profile...

IF the small dreary town of FORKS is on your 'must visit' list, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you REALLY know what happened to BAMBI'S mom, copy this onto you profile.

If you read Twilight fan-fics all day to soothe the acheing pain that MIDNIGHT SUN might not come out for a while, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have siblings that drive you CRAZY then copy this onto your profile.

If you have a LONG profile like this, make it longer BY copying this onto your profile.

95 percent of teenage girls would be crying if that Jonas Brothers were about to throw themselves off the EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, if you are one of the 5 percent WHO would be yelling 'JUMP ASSHOLES' copy this onto your profile. (Sorry Jonas Brother fans.)

If you REALIZE that PIE will take over the WORLD someday, copy this onto your profile.

If you REALIZED that EVERY sentence on this list had at least TWO or more words except one, copy this onto your profile.

IF you are laughing at yourself NOW, copy this onto your profile.


One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight,
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other,

One was blind and the other couldn't see,
So they chose a dummy for a referee.
A blind man went to see fair play,
A dumb man went to shout "hooray!"

A paralysed donkey passing by,
Kicked the blind man in the eye,
Knocked him through a nine inch wall,
Into a dry ditch and drowned them all,

A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys,
If you don't believe this story’s true,
Ask the blind man he saw it too!


From: nigahiga

Dedicated to all the asian wannabe gangsters out there. Seriously, stop trying...

Lyrics:

Chorus 1

I'm a Chingstah
I'm an asian wannabe
I don't hang with the G's, I just roll with the C's
When I skip down the street, all the people, they see
A super badass Chingstah, they wannabe me.
I run with scissors! I break the rules!
I drink when I drive! I loiter in schools!
I'm a hardcore thief, I steal but don't share!
I don't need to build my rep, cus I just built a bear!

Verse 1

Look at that hot chick looking this way
I don't want a girl with D's, she's gotta have A's
But I don't need no pussy cat, just to clear the fog.
I do what I want, I just chill with my dawgs
I stand like a Chingstah with my Chingstah face
I dust off both my shoulders, not for dirt, but dandruff flakes.
I like to eat drugs, especially when I'm sick.
I take some tylenol and Advil, then I feel better!

Repeat Chorus 1

Verse 2

I'm ballin on some 13 inch rims, cus I'm bad
I'll fly 47 in a 45 if somebody makes me mad!
I love to play Monopoly, I love the police!
Every single picture I'm in, I hold my gang sign "peace"
I pillow fight my dog! I pillow fight my cat!
I pillow fight the carpet! I pillow fight this lamp!
I pillow fight my house! I pillow fight this tree.
I pillow fight the wall, I pillow fight myself!

Chorus 2

I'm a Chingstah
I'm an asian wannabe
I don't hang with the G's, I just roll with the C's
When I skip down the street, all the people, they see
A super badass Chingstah, they wannabe me.
Who are you? I'm a Chingstah!
What you want? Ice Cream!
Where at? I'm home!
Whats 3 x 3? Nine!
Who farted? That was me!
Favorite Jonas? Trick Question!
Best Rapper? Dr. Suess
Who's Yo Daddy? My Mom


Another thing by nigahiga. Hey, can't help it if I'm obsessed!!

Where did How to be Gangster and How to be Emo go!? Its not Youtube's fault, its the companies who are forcing them to remove videos.

Poem:
Youtube will not last life long
If all the videos are gone
From a little stupid rule
All of this happening just ain't cool
I thought it was a place for fun
Entertainment for everyone
Now these companies are barging in
Tearing up the site like it belongs to them
Threatening Youtube for having their songs
Can't we all just get along?
Removed every video left and right
Almost everything on their site
If theres just one thing I hate
Its all those mother beeping copyrights!


You may be obsessed with Star Wars if...

... your favorite book of the Bible is 'Luke.'

... you refer to children as 'younglings,' elevators as 'turbolifts,' and bathrooms as 'refreshers.'

... you have looked for Ewoks when entering a wooded area.

... you address your teachers as "Master."

... you have attempted to use a glowstick as a miniature weapon.

... when an object was out of your reach, you have extended your hand toward it and expected it to come to you.

... you wave you hand in front of you to open automatic doors.

... you have quoted lines from the Star Wars movies unintentionally.

... you have ever attempted to perform a jung ma.

... you even know what a jung ma is.

... you have ever been surprised to open a refrigerator and find that the milk is not blue.

... you know how to write in Aurebesh.

... you have ever insulted someone by calling them 'sleemo.'

... you have painted or drawn a picture in which there are at least two suns in the sky.

... you understand any of this.

This is all for now!

I hope that this is sorta Luminescence for ya all!

May the Force be with you all.


Month One
Hi Mommy!
I am only 3/4 of an inch long, but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it, I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat is my favorite lullaby.

Month Two
Mommy, today I learned how to suck my thumb!
If you could see me you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.

Month Three
You know what Mommy?
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too.
I cry with you even though you can't hear me.

Month Four

Mommy,
My hair is starting to grow!
It is very short and fine, but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.

Month Five
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby!
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?

Month Six
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!

Month Seven
Mommy
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?

Every Abortion Is Just:
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak.

Yes, I'm pro-life. And incase you're wondering, no, I didn't write that, but I would be honored to shake the author's hand.

He's right about that you know.


IF YOU IGNORE THIS WITHOUT READING IT YOU HAVE NO HEART...BUT IF YOU FIND YOU CANNOT STOP UNTIL YOU REACH THE END THEN YOU MUST HAVE A VERY BIG HEART.

Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
He told his friends that it was cool
And when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack
Mummy I was a good girl
I did what I was told
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye
I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another
And all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now
And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest
Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class
And never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this
Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest
But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest
Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would
I wanted to go to college
I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with daddy
On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married
I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress
Mummy I wanted to live
But mummy I must go now
The time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris
I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date
I love you mummy I always have
I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"

In memory of the Columbian students that were lost
Please if you would
Pass this around
I'd be happy if you could
Don't smash this on the ground
If you pass this on
Maybe people will cry
Just keep this in heart
For the people that didn't get to say "goodbye"

Now you have two choices

1) repost and show you care

2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart

(Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)


I love Top Gear. The latest series is over! Noooooooooooooo!! I think I might diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! :'-(
But, wait...
NEW SERIES STARTING, er, SOON!!
That's gonna be bad when it's on at the same time as Dr Who. What am I gonna watch? I know what my bro is gonna want to watch. Thank God for i Player!!
Did you know; Top Gear is broadcast on every country.
EXCEPT for America.
Remind me never to go there!!

In more T.V. related news, I can't WAIT for Easter. Forget the turkey, forget the chocolate, BRING ON THE NEW SERIES OF DOCTOR WHO!!
The person who plays the new assistant, Karen Gillan, looks almost exactly like me. When my mum first saw a picture of her, she actually thought it was me!! My own mother!! Look at a picture of her. That's what I look like.


The 10 Commandments of a Teenager!

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(Why wait that long?)

2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(Alcohol lasts longer, not to mention it's cheaper.)

3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection.)

4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(Destruction has a bigger effect, and why the hell would you let yourself get arrested?!)

5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(Everyone knows grandma has more money.)

6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Just start them.)

7) Thou shall not skip class.
(Just take the whole day off.)

8) Thou shall not kiss girls in school. (Kiss them outside insted.)

9) Thou shall not worry about tests. (Just cheat on them: better marks.)

10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(Just leave 'm in the middle.)


Random funny phrases, do with them what you will.

If someone looks at you funny, flip them the finger.

When someone tells you to act your age, yell at the top of your lungs "I AM!"

If a parent/guardian asks you, "What did you learn at school today?" answer, "I learnt how to survive it."

Never suffer from insanity, enjoy every minute of it.

Remember that all actions have reactions... (You don't wana know why I put this in here, believe me!)

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Say to them, "Well of course it is! Why the hell would I keep looking for it after I found it?!"

While waiting at a bus stop, if someone asks you, "Has the bus come yet?" reply, "If the bus had come, I wouldn't be standing here now would I?"

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

To attract men, wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

They say "guns don't kill people; people kill people", but I think guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you would kill too many people.

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real. You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

She's my best friend. Break her heart and I'll break your face.

(Say to a boy:) Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

I'm the type of girl that manages to plan a whole world domination in Histroy class.

I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened a year ago.

It's us versus the world...we attack at dawn!

Real friends don't let you do stupid things... alone.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6.
If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call.
If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you.
If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep.
After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later
and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

When someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown about it but it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and punch them!

Yeah I'm unique, just like every one else.

If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Don't count the days, make the days count

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand apples!

Yeah, the grass may be greener, but it's just as hard to mow

Be thankful for what you have, because it's probably more than most

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you

I dream of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

I'm not crazy, you're just more sane than I am

I used up all my sick days...so I called in dead

I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the heck am I?

I smile because I have no idea what's going on!

Be a loser! Because being cool is soo overrated!

Amatuers made The Ark, experts made the Titanic...

Stressed is Desserts backwards :)

When you get caught looking at him, just remember, he was looking back!

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Before you criticize some one, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away so they can’t hear you and you still have their shoes on.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

People say "Guns don't kill people, People kill people!" Well, I think guns help. If you stood there and yelled Bang, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

You're laughing now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?

Where's the good in goodbye?

I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.

We all smile in the same language

On the other hand, you have different fingers

I didn't slap you! I hi-fived your face!

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, that's why we call it the present!

My door is always open, so feel free to leave

Second place is the first loser

There's a light at the end of every tunnel...lets just hope it's not a train

Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I swear to drunk I'm not god

I am in shape...round is a shape

I called your boyfriend gay, and he hit me with his purse.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

I don't swim in your toilet, so don't pee in my pool.

One tequila... two tequila... three tequila...floor!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore, I'm perfect!

I am on the seafood diet. I see food and I eat it!

My mum keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.

Smile...it confuses people!

Ifyoucanreadthisthenyouarewaytoosmartforyourowngood

If it wasn't for electricity, we would all be watching TV by candle light.

A balanced diet is a piece of chocolate in each hand

He who laughs last thinks slowest

Did you know 8 out of 3 people don't get fractions?

God made man, and then he said, "I can do better than that," and made woman

We could all take a lesson from crayons: some are sharp, some are beautiful, some have weird names, all are different colors, but they still learn to live in the same box.

You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid

A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort

Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.


The computer swallowed grandpa.
Yes, honestly its true!
He pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.

It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
He must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'
My Grandpa you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' him
And send him back to me.

This is a tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who
have been fearless and ...

learned to use the Computer...

They are the greatest !!

We do not stop playing because we grow old;
We grow old because we stop playing ..
NEVER Be The First To Get Old!


SUPER GRANNY- Defender of Justice

The following is a true story

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran as though they were possessed. The elderly lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.

She was so shaken that she couldn't get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces down.

She loaded her bags into her car and then drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly rolled in the floor with laughter.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale males were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.
Ah ... those senior moments!

Notes to Self...

1.Do not introduce self as roleplaying character in public.

2.Do not talk to fictional characters in public.

3.Do not answer fictional characters in public.

4.Do not talk to inanimate objects in public.

5.Do not go out in public.

6.Disregard above note.Perform numbers 1 to 4.

7.Note expressions.

8.Don't die alone. Take many people with you.

9.Floor is slippery when wet.

10.Lake is slippery when dry.

11.Only talk to strangers you know.

12.Strangers you don't know are spies... Kill them all.

13.For legal purposes be sure to delete above note.

14.Tell people about the spies that are trying to kill you.

15.Kill them for security purposes.

16.Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings.

17.Make a scene whenever humanly possible.

18.The men in white coats are not your friends.

19.Ask them for a room with lots of sharp, pointy objects.

20.When that doesn't work, ask for a designer jacket.

21.Chicken soup, although good for colds, is not the best cure for drowning.

22.Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

23.Unlike fine wine, milk does not get better with age.

24.Always remember, um... um... Damn.

25.Train army of flying monkeys.

26.Goldfish don't like milk.

27.Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.

28.Find out who invented the word "pianist".

29.People are staring at you.

30.So act insane.

31.People are weird, but not as weird as me.

32.Do not taunt animals at zoo. They have feelings... And teeth.

33.Little people are aggressive. Stay away from little people.

34.Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experiance. Do this as much as possible.

35.You'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me... Bonding.

36.Never pet a burning dog.

37.Never make eye contact with a naked man. Especially if you are wearing a parka.

38.Naked men dig parkas.

39.Beware the naked man who offers you his parka.

40.You know what would look good on you?

41.Immolated cockroaches.

42.Don't worry. It's only a harmless pimento bug.

43.The size of Danny DeVito.

44.Making an amusing facial expression. Like this.

45.Numbers are evil. Count in clovers.

46.Stalking is fun. Do it more.

47.Make a large sign saying, "Look at me, I'm a gumnut tree!"

48.No matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.

49.That way is rum.

50.Constipated people don't give a sh-t.

51.The Ten Steps To Dying.

1.Fall down.

2.Be rushed to hospital.

3.Not be saved.

4.Be mourned over.

5.Be buried in the dirt.

6.Have your grave looted.

7.Rot.

8.Rot.

9.Rot

10.Have your bones re-animated and used to cause pain, terror and chaos.

52.You cannot kill the snow.

53.The snow can kill you.

54.Grass can also kill you.

55.The leprechaun on the cereal box said I can't get his lucky charms...

56.Catch and castrate leprechaun.

57.HE is real... No matter what the men in white coats say.

58.Staple paper in the middle of the page.

59.In case of blank looks, laugh maniacally.

60.You are not haxxor l337 or an uberhacker or anything like that.

61.Pretend to be so around teh n00bs.

62.Do not go out with voice #7. He is a sadistic, soul sucking demon.

63.Disregard last note. Go out with demon. Who needs a soul anyway?

64.Ask Senior Diablo for a bigger pitchfork.

65.Remember to kill HIM...

66.Tell the small children in Toys 'R' Us that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.

67.Note reactions. Avoid parents.

68.The blood of infants gives unholy superpowers according to Jhonen C. Vasquez. Test theory.

69.Scream, the doctors don't like it, they'll give you a shot of something nice.

70.Hide the bodies, otherwise peole ask embarressing questions.

71.Eat the evidence.

72.But not if it's broken glass.

73.When in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run.

74.Do not tell children that Santa is fat because he eats kids.

75.Disregard last note.

76.Note reactions.

77.On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.

78.Stock up on ball point pens.

79.Learn to fly. Tell no one.

80.The secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

81.Do not stick fingers into blender.

82.Blender... Bad... Ouch.

83.Blood loss is bad.

84.Find way to re-attatch fingers.

85.Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.

86.Answer every question with a question.

87.Ask people what gender they are.

88.Note reactions.

89.Refer to people as "mortal".

90.The Seagull From Hell is out to get me.

91.Kill all enemies in most disturbing way possible.

92.Start by drowning them in fire ants.

93.Find the creators of pop-up messages.

94.Kill them.

95.Brutally.

96.Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination.

97.Dunk head in boiling water.

98.Disregard last note. Was written by Voice #7.

99.Gullible IS written on the ceiling!

100.Investigate this whole "critical mass" thing when the klaxon dies down...


Life is a Riddle reviews
this is a story about Tom riddles life. first story plz R&R
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 151 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 5/6/2010 - Tom R. Jr., Fred W.