ShdwBlood
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Joined 06-12-10, id: 2401036, Profile Updated: 04-20-12
Author has written 2 stories for Lord of the Flies, and Catcher in the Rye.

HEYY!!!! WHAT'S UP!!! Im not really the writing sort of person I much rather read everyone elses stories. But if I ever get off my lazy ass I'll try to come up with some sort of story. For now if there's a story that you want some feed back on just pm me and I'd love to read what u've got!!

My deviantART:

My Fictionpress: http://www.fictionpress.com/u/831910/ (this is where my stories are.)

Anime:

Naruto
Ouran High School Host Club
Death Note
Fruits Basket

Crossovers:

Harry Potter x Naruto
Naruto x Ouran High School Host Club

Mottos:

Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. (And people wonder why they can't beat me in an arguement)

I'm always right...unless I'm left...cause then I'm not right.

Disclaimer: Most of this stuff isn't mine. I got it off other authors or websites. So they belong to whoever they belong to.


I absolutly love this!!!!


13 Things I Hate About Everyone:

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? I'mma kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid 12 bucks to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the heck? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does! What can you do that's longer?

9When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? Ears?, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13.McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering... It has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.


7 Ways to Scare your roommates (LOVE THIS)

7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."

6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.

4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.

2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"

1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."


A loving poem from a man to his wife

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty & so is your head.

After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between the eyes.

Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

Every time I see your face,
I wish I were in outer space.

I saw your face as you walked by,
But then I saw a better guy.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If its true, I'd prefer you inside out.

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell."


Read a charming morning poem

Morning Poem

I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his fucking head.
I am not a morning person.


OBITUARY FOR THE LATE MR. COMMON SENSE

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge). His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.


Blondes Special Licnese

There was a blonde driving down the center of the road at 100 mph. A police officer pulled her over to the side of the road. When she had stopped, the officer asked, "License and Registration please."

"It's okay, Officer, I have a special license that allows me to do this," she said smiling.

"That's impossible!" The officer replied, "I've never heard of such a license."

To which the driver reached into her purse and handed him her license. Astonished, the Officer said, "Just as I suspected. This is an ordinary license, I see nothing here that would allow you special consideration."

She pointed to the bottom of the license and said, "Can you see this?? It says so right here: 'Tear Along The Dotted Line'."

'Blondes Are Not Stupid' Convention

80,000 blondes are gathered for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."

So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance!


You know you live in 2011 when...

1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years.

3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or myspace.

4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV.

6.) Your boss doesn;t even have the ability to do your job.

7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.

11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly. 12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did


IMPORTANT THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME!

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


Words of Wisdom and Quotes (Sorry if I have a few repeats, I can’t keep track of all of them)

-Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them

-Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat

-There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives

-Be patient. Waiting allows the development of humility.

-Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good?

-Nothing makes us so lonely as our own secrets.

-Don't let fear rule your life since F.E.A.R. stands for False.Evidence.Appearing.Real. Either that or it stands for First.Encounter.Assault.Recon.

-Asking for patience is asking for more problems...

-Living in denial is living a lie.

-A weak opponent in the past can become a dangerous one in the future.

-Time is a great teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its pupils.

-A man with nothing to lose is capable of anything

-When you curse someone, you dig your own grave.

-Because our entire universe is made up of consciousness, we never really experience the universe directly we just experience our consciousness of the universe, our perception of it, so right, our only universe is perception.

-When outnumbered, don't think of it as outnumbered, think of it as a wide target selection.

-Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.

-Silence is the most pleasing sound, so shut up.

-Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.

-Learn to recognize when speed is not important. Race when being first is important; move at your own pace at all other times. It is not necessary to always strike the first blow, to provide the first solution, or to reach a goal before anyone else does. In fact, it is sometimes vital to strike the last blow, to give the final answer, or to arrive after everyone else.

-War does not determine who is right only who is left.

-Heroes come and go, but the stories never change, the battle between good and evil will rage on for millenniums to come, yet through out all time there is one thing that has never changed, evil never dies, and heroes never surrender!

-One who does not sacrifice anything cannot achieve anything.

-You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same!

-I don't hit people, I only Hi-5 their faces!

A true friend sees the 1st tear, catches the 2nd, and bitchslaps the mothafucker that causes the 3rd.

Call me what you want; I really don't care. But if you insult my friends...see here, buddy, let's take a walk. Let me give you a little hint: call the police you stupid litte shit, 'cause there's about to be a murder.

I pray for wisdom to understand him, love to forgive him, and patience for his moods. Because if I pray for strength, I'll just beat the shit out of him.

You're my best friend in the whole world. I would do anything for you. And since I know you would want me to stay safe, I'll trip you if zombies start chasing us.

I only seem like a smartass 'cause I'm surrounded by dumbasses.

Well, aren't we just a ray of fucking sunshine.

Trust no man, fear no bitch.

Hating me won't make you pretty.

Don't underestimate me, pal. See this smile? It's not really a smile. It's a destraction so I can punch you in the face.

MENtal anxiety, MENtal breakdown, MENstrual cramps, MENopause... Did you ever notice how all of out problems begin with MEN?

May God have mercy on my enemies, 'cause I sure as hell won't.

It's a beautiful day... now watch some asshole fuck it up.

I swear, officer. I didn't punch her; I just high-fived her face.

Didn't give a fuck yesterday, don't give a fuck today, probably won't give a fuck tomorrow.

He who laughs last didn't get it, and he who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.

Most women say that men should have to suffer through periods like us; not me. If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.

Therapy pays off later; screaming obsentities and beating the shit out of people pays off now.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile, and 4 to reach out and slap someone.

I'd take a bullet for you. Not in the head, like in the leg or something.

Worst. Idea. Ever. [pause] Let's do it.

People who investigate noises in horror movies deserve to die.

It's better to have loved and lost than to live with the physco for the rest of your life.

I've probably learned more from Google than I have from school

I'm not crazy. My reality is just different then yours.

I'm not easily distr. . .OMG! SHINY!

95% of people would panic if the Jonas brothers stood on the roof of a 3 story building and said they were about to jump. If you are one of the 5 who would get all of your friends, some popcorn, and a soda and scream "JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!" copy this

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your butt off

There are 3 kinds of people in this world. those who can do math and those who can't.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Keep smiling- it makes everyone wonder what your up too

I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.

Kids are the future. Be scared. Be very scared.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in life's eye. and say 'How much you like lemons now, Life, huh? Huh?'

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

I'm gonna give him a piece of my mind! but not my brain. I need that.

Therapy is expensive. popping bubble wrap is cheap... you decide.

Excuse me, have you seen my sanity? I think I lost it.

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.

Your weirdness is creeping out my imaginary friend.

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many and 'tics' as in the bloodsucking creatures?

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

A idiot is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.

Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.

There's no 'I' in 'TEAM' but there's a 'U' in 'SUCK'!

I had a friend once, but then the rope broke and he got away.

I was going to take over the world but I got distracted by something sparkly

I did not hit you. I simply high-fived your face.

I didn't run into the door, my face decided to say hello.

I never finish anyth

People are like slinkies, basically useless. But it's still amusing to watch them fall down the stairs

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that it up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you!

If you have ever woundered what it was like to be a character in a movie, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you have ever woundered what it was like to be the opposite gender, copy and paste this to your profile.

Be OPTIMISTIC... all the people you hate are eventually going to die!!

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much

Con is the opposite of pro, so Congress the opposite of progress.

Sorry, but I’m in a rush. I’m going to try to kill one of your friends now, bye!

"I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned."

I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?

“I don’t see you doing anything.” - “No, you don’t; but thinking doesn’t usually require much movement.”

Heaven kicked me out. Hell is afraid I'll take over.

I am fluent in English, Gobbledegook and Sarcasm

Dont upset me - I'm running out of places to put the bodies.

Evening news is where they say, "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it's not.

The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.

I can tell that you are lying, your lips are moving.

My personal motto, ‘If you can’t beat them, join them; if you can’t join them, kill them; if you can’t kill them, blow them all to kingdom come!”

I like you. People say I've got no taste, but I like you.

Caution! Blonde thinking.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

Simplicity killed the cat--Curiosity was framed.

A Committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but as a group decide that nothing can be done.

No Trespassers! Violators will be shot, survivors will be shot again.

Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire, God would never trust an Englishman in the dark. (No offense intended)

Sometimes I Wonder, "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?" and then it hits me!!

The voices in my head may not be real but they still have pretty good ideas...

Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.

Normal people make good pets.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia-is the fear of long words

Death is God's way of saying, 'You're fired!' with no second chance. Suicide is humanity's way of saying, 'You can't fire me! I quit!

Where negotiation and diplomacy fail, high explosives substitute nicely.

Join The Army! Journey to exotic places, meet new people, then kill them.

I didn't say it was your fault, I just said I was going to blame you!

Silence is golden, but duck tape is silver.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If a person with multiple personalities decides to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

What does OK actually mean?

We're not retreating! We're advancing in a different direction!

Jamie is like a slinkie... basically useless.. but yet so amusing to watch him fall down stairs!!

Arguing with yourself is normal. It's when you argue with yourself and you LOSE that it's weird.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Anything Ken can do, Barbie can do better...MUCH better.

The voices in my head are telling me I will get back to you as soon as they are done with me.

One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!

Skill is successfully walking a tightrope over Niagara Falls. Intelligence is not trying.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: The quick and the dead.

Dream as if you will live forever, Live as if its your last day.

The problem with Ireland is that it's a country full of genius, but with absolutely no talent. (Hugh Leonard, Irish writer)

LIFE is too SHORT to WAKE UP in the morning with REGRETS. So LOVE the people who TREAT you RIGHT, FORGET about the ones who DON'T. BELIEVE that EVERYTHING happens for a REASON. If you get a CHANCE, TAKE IT. If it changes your LIFE than LET IT. NOBODY said it'd be EASY, they just PROMISED that it'd be WORTH IT!

ADHD is Automatic Death by Hyperness Disorder

Taste the rainbow- Eat CRAYONS

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet

I've got ADD and magic markers. Oh the fun I will have.

Somebody needs a Happy Meal.

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crap up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.

Although, chainsaw beats scissors, paper, AND rock!

To put it nicely, I hope you choke.

If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.

Would you like a cookie? So would I.

You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.

Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.

A day without sunshine is like... night.

Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot

Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!

Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.

I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!

I do what cheerios tell me.

I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.

If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.

Okay...so there's this thing called retarded-ness and me and my freinds, well...We've gone pro.


Quotes:

"I'm not crazy. I'm psychotic. There's a difference."

"My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you all at the same time."

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it."

"Don't get mad; get sadistic."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"

"Common sense is the enemy of comedy."

"Sarcasm isn't an attitude, it's an ART."

"My goal in life is to be as good a person as my dog thinks I am."

"Knowledge is power; power is the root of all-evil. Therefore studying is evil."

"I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it!"

"You know what?! Earth sucks, I’m going home."

"Only two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity."

"your a great friend but if the zombies come I'm tripping you."

"Why don't you slip into something more comfortable; like a coma?"

"What is this 'kindness' you speak of?"

"Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever, you keep on talking."

"Define 'normal'."

“They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.”

"Every rule has an exception, including this one." - this is probably my second favorite quote out there simply because it completely true and awesome.

"Any thing that can go wrong will, at the last possible moment" - Darwin's law, it's my third favorite quote for the reason above.

"Nobody move! I dropped me brain." - Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Carribean (Katt stated that I should add this when we were watching Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End so I told her that I'd say that she said I should add this to my quote list. And so: Katt said I should add this.)

"Blood is red because of these gay trolls that live in your red blood cells. But they're sensitve, so we call them homo goblins or more commonly known as hemoglobins." - Katt. (she came up with this in science...don't ask.)

"anything can be fixed/solved with: bubble gum, bailing wire or duct tape. (Or in katt's version: chocolate, duct tape or C4)"

"duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it binds the universe together."

"honor the power of the off switch" - Omi from Xiaolin Showdown.

"If my body must suffer than so must yours." "Where is that in the bible?" - my brother and I.

"I think I owe you one, that was actually fun." Pause. "That time you cried and I let your parents stay at my condo." Strait-oh-crap-face-with-an-oh-uh-smile. "Yep" - Harvey and Donna, Season 1-Episode 4 "Bailout" of Suits.


Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat

This is is cat

This is how cat

This is to cat

This is keep cat

This is a cat

This is retard cat

this is person cat

This is busy cat

This is for cat

This is forty cat

This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of every line :)


*instructions; number your twelve favorite Naruto characters in order and answer the questions!

1. Itachi

2. Sakura

3. Pein

4. Gaara

5. Kyuubi

6. Hidan

7. Deidara

8. Madara

9. Sasori

10. Shisui

11. Zetsu

12. Neji

1) Have you ever read a Six/Eleven Fanfic before?
(Hidan\Zetsu)Those don’t even, and they probably never will.

2) Do you think Four is hot? How hot?
(Gaara) Oh, definently. On a scale of one to ten. I would say an 26.

3) What would happen if Twelve got Eight pregnant?
(Neji\Madara) BAD IMAGES!!!! BAD IMAGES!!!!

4) Do you recall any fics about Nine?
(Sasori) Of course, I’ve read plently of Sasosaku fics.

5) Would Two and Six make a good couple?
(Sakura\Hidan) Of HELL yes!!!! If only people made more fics about these two. They are one of my absolute favorite pairings.

6) Five/Nine or Five/Ten?

(Kyuubi\Sasori) or (Kyuubi\Shisui) Definitely the second one. *Shudders inwardly at prospect of the first*

7) What would happen if Seven walked in on Two and Twelve having sex

(Deidara-Sakura\Neji) I really have no freakin clue.

8) Make up a summary of a Three/Ten Fanfic.

(Pein\Shisui) I don’t write stories, I read them, so no summary for you. But I might actually read that.

9) Is there any such thing as a One/Eight fluff?
(Itachi\Madara) Oh yes, I’ve heard of this plenty of times.

10) Suggest a title for a Seven/Twelve Hurt/Comfort fic.
(Deidara\Neji) See #8

11) What kind of plot would you use if you wanted Four to de-flower One?
(Gaara\Itachi) I’m not even going to put that image in my head.

12) Does anyone on your friends list read Three het?
(Pein) I highly doubt it, but I really don’t know.

13) Does anyone on your friends list write or draw Eleven?
(Zetsu) Again, I highly doubt it, but I really don’t know. Although I hope they do, I would love more of it.

14) Would anyone on your friends list write Two/Four/Five ?
(Sakura\Gaara\Kyuubi) Nope, but I wish that they did.

15) What might ten scream at a moment of great passion?

(Shisui) How the heck show I know!!!!

16) If you wrote a song-fic about Eight, what song would you choose?
(Madara) I hate song fics.

17) If you wrote a One/Six/Twelve fic, what would the warning be?
(Itachi\Hidan\Neji) Refer to #8.

18) What might be a good pick-up line for Ten to use on Two?
(Shisui\Sakura) I can’t remember. I suck at pick-up lines.

19) How might Eleven describe a relationship between Two and Eight?

(Zetsu-Sakura\Madara) You know this came up in a fic I read, but I just can’t for the life of me remember what it said.

20) How emo is Seven?

(Deidara) I highly doubt that Deidara is emo. Suicidal,yes. But emo, definitely not!!!


(These aren’t mine I got them off of boredatuni.com, each underlined sentence is a different segment!)

Read some stupid answers given on game shows

Name something a blind person might use - A sword

Name a song with moon in the title - Blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck - Naomi Campbell

Name an occupation where you need a torch - A burglar

Name a dangerous race - The Arabs

Name an item of clothing worn by the 3 musketeers - A horse

Name something that floats in the bath - Water

Name something you wear on the beach - A deckchair

Name something Red - My cardigan

Name a famous cowboy - Buck Rogers

A number you have to memorize - 7

Something you do before going to bed - Sleep

Something you put on walls - Roofs

Something in the garden that's green - Shed

Something that flies that doesn't have an engine - A bicycle with wings

Something you might be allergic to - Skiing

Name a famous bridge - The bridge over troubled waters

Something you do in the bathroom - Decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo - A dog

Something associated with the police - Pigs

A sign of the zodiac - April

Something slippery - A con-man

A food that can be brown or white - Potato

A jacket potato topping - Jam

A famous Scotsman - Jock

Another famous Scotsman - Vinnie Jones

Something with a hole in it - Window

A non living object with legs - Plant

A domestic animal - Leopard

A part of the body beginning with 'N' - Knee

A way of cooking fish - Cod


Finally - Women have been analyzed

DATA SHEET

ANALYSIS
Element: Woman
Symbol: Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 55kg, but known to vary from 45kg to 225kg
Occurrence: Found in large quantities in urban areas with trace elements in outlying regions

Physical Properties
1. Surface normally covered with film of powder and paint.
2. Boils at absolutely nothing, freezes for no apparent reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if used incorrectly.
5. Found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure if expertly applied.

Chemical Properties
1. Affinity to gold, silver, platinum and all precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Explodes spontaneously without reason or warning.
4. Greatly increased activity when saturated with alcohol.
5. The most powerful money reducing agent known to man.

Common Use
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Can be a very effective cleaning agent.

Tests 1. Pure specimens turn bright pink when found in their natural state.
2. Turns green when placed alongside a superior specimen.

Hazards: 1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come in direct contact with each other


You may be stupid if...

...you can't remember how to spell "IQ."

...you can't remember the number for 911.

...you just discovered your AM radio also works in the afternoon.

...you use correction fluid on your PC monitor.

...you fail Physical Education.

...you can not spell it.

...you try to turn the light on to find a flashlight in a power outage!

...you put braille on a drive up teller machine.

...you think Taco Bell is a Mexican phone company.

...you think a pigpen is something to write with!!!

...you think a cartoon is a song about automobiles.

...you use your CD-ROM unit as a drink holder.

...you frequently misspell your own name.

...you've ever been stuck in a toilet seat.

...you walk your kid to school because you're in the same grade.

...it takes you two hours to watch 60 minutes.

...you often wonder who Ronald McDonald's parents are.

...you sell your car for gas money.

...you think Hamburger Helper comes with a man.

...you try thinking and nothing happens.

...you think a quarterback is a refund

...you think hot dogs are real meat.

...people nick-name you Homer.

...you cook Minute Rice for an hour!

...upon approaching a traffic sign that says STOP AHEAD, you reach over and grab your passenger by the top of the head.

...you lose $25 on a horse race and then lose $25 on the instant replay

...you were the one testing out the shark bite suit.

...you get tangled up in a cordless phone.

...you need to be reminded to breath.

...someone tells you to call 911, and you can't find the 11!

...you take a donut back cause it has a hole in it!

...you stare at an orange juice can because it says concentrate.

...you have to look "stupid" up in the dictionary.

...you sit on the TV and watch the couch.

...you tell your wife not to laugh as you point a gun to your head, because she is next!

...you think Yogi Bear played for the Yankees.

...you bronze a gold medal as a keep sake.

...you get lost in your closet.

... you take an I.Q. test and forget to write your name.

...you go around a revolving door looking for the door knob.

...you list the police department as a reference on your resume.

...you get fired from volunteer work.

...a hamburger is a cheeseburger, hold the cheese, to you.

...you run around looking for a quarter to call 911.

...you can't find the "ANY" key on the keyboard.

...you feel for one millisecond that you may have won the sweepstakes this time despite the fact that it is stamped in clear view "bulk rate."

...you try to look up a word in the dictionary without knowing how to spell it correctly, and you can't find it. Feeling like a ''genius'', that you realize that WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY made an error.

...you have to look on both ends to open a bottle.

...someone offers you a bagel and you reply, "No thanks, I already have a dog!"

...you turn the light on to see if it's dark.

...you take your chia pet for a walk.

...you wear your glasses while looking for them.

...you think it's funny when someone makes fun of you.

...you laugh at yourself when you step in dog crap.

...you come out of the shower and burp a soap bubble.

...you can't find your ringing phone.

...you ask someone "Can I ask you one question?".

...you're saying "I don't get it!" right now.

...you put the milk in the dishwasher and the glass in the fridge.

...you can't find this website.

...you see a sign with a cigarette with a \ through it and just think that the owner of that sign hates drugs, and then light a cigarette.

...you can't get online right now.

...you went to the library to read.

...you figured you were stupid from the last line you just read.

...you just threw your monitor out the window.

...you just walked outside to see if you had mail because your computer said you did.

...you went to a movie to catch up on some reading.

...you tried to get off drugs by pushing the "Caps Lock" key.

...you used your friends computer to get home by pressing "Home".

...you typed your soc. security number in just for fun

...you just played 53 pickup

...you put doritos in a tennis ball launcher and had one smack you in the head.

...you pushed the "emergency stop" button on an elevator to see what it did.


How about some highly interesting (read useless) facts?

1. The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

2. Coca-Cola was originally green.

3. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

4. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

5. The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:Alaska

6. The percentage ofAfricathat is wilderness: 28% (now get this..)

7. The percentage ofNorth Americathat is wilderness: 38%

8. The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

9. The average number of people airborne over theUSany given hour: 61,000 (wonder if this one is still true)

10. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

11. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived inChinain 1910.

12. The youngest pope was 11 years old.

13. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

14. ThoseSan FranciscoCable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

15. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

16. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

17. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

18. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

20. "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

21. Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that make them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

22. Until the St. Louis Rams, no NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Super bowl.

23. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-stars Game.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS from every other TV show?
A. No theme song

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace.

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He is allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.

1. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight".

2. It was the accepted practice inBabylon4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month or what we know today as the honeymoon.

3. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in oldEngland, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

4. Many years ago inEngland, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

5. In ancientEnglanda person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they got consent of the King, the King gave them a placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard had F.*.*.*. (Fornication Under Consent of the King) on it. Now you know where that came from.

6. InScotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden... and thus the word GOLF entered the vocabulary.


Would you sue God??

In 1970 anArizonalawyer named Russel H. Tansie filed a $100,000 damage suit against God. The suit was filed on behalf of Mr. Tansie's secretary, Betty Penrose, who accused God of negligence in His power over the weather when He allowed a lightning bolt to strike her home. Ms. Penrose won the case when the defendant tailed to appear in court. Whether or not she collected has not been recorded.


You'd never be caught out by trick questions...would you?

Welcome to The Weakest Link.

Here is a very simple little test comprised of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time.

And NO CHEATING. On your mark, set...GO!!!

1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner in second place.
In which position are you now?

Answer:

If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're coming second.

For the next question try not to be so dumb.

2 : If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer:

If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!!

It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good door-stop!!! Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.

3 : Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000. Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20. Plus 1000. And plus 10. What is the total ?

Answer:

5000??? Wrong again!!!!
The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator.
Today is clearly not your day!! Although you should manage to get the last question right...

4 : Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...

Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG!!!!!
It's obviously Marie you ding-bat!!! Read the question properly!!!!!

You are clearly the weakest link...GOODBYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Something Americans might find interesting (and the rest of us will find funny!)

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300° C.

The Russians used a pencil.

Enjoy paying your taxes.


A good example of an idiot ringing technical support

Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A drive won't work."

Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"

Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."

Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"

Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out and that didn't work either."

Tech Support: "You did what sir?"

Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."

Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."

Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"

(At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.)

Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"

Customer: "I said I put butter in my A drive to get your crappy disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."

Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"

( Silence. )

Tech Support: "Sir?"

Customer: "Yes."

Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"

Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer!"

Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, but instead proceeded to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"

Customer: "Ummmm."

Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"

Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"

Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day!"


Why punctuation is important

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria


One guy with a serious complaint to NTL!

Dear Cretins, I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your three-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions.

Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was canceled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived ... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet servers downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to.

Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was shit; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you.

I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief -- quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.


One of these silly email forwards...with a difference!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Keep going . . . Don't stop . . .

Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

Think of a man's/woman's name that begins with the last letter in the animals name.

Almost there...

Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

Take the hand you counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level

Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?

Of course not...

Now smack yourself in the head, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!


More Men v Women stuff

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman =3D romance
Smart man + dumb woman =3D affair
Dumb man + smart woman =3D marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman =3D pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need. GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

The Fundamental Differences Between Men & Women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Sh*t-Head and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

CATS

Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

What a woman says:
C'mon...This place is a mess. You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you'll have no clothes if we don't do the laundry now.

What a man hears:
C'MON ... blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW.


What is written on a job advert, and what it actually means

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.


Some suggestions to lighten up exams

If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...

Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

Bring cheerleaders.

Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

Bring pets.

Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).

Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds.).

Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.

From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.

Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

One word: Wrestlemania.

Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why My Professor Sucks".


Why English is the hardest language to learn

1, The bandage was wound around the wound.

2, The farm was used to produce produce.

3, The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4, There is no time like the present, so he thought he would present the present.

5, When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

6, He did not object to the object.

7, The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

8,The oarsmen had a row about how to row.

9, he was too close to the door to close it.

10, A stag does strange things when the does are present.

11, After a number of injections my jaw became number.

12, The artist saw a tear in his painting and shed a tear.

13,She had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

14, An army chef decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Also...

There are no eggs in an eggplant, no apple or pine in pineapple.

Quicksand works slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

Guinea pigs are neither fromGuineaor are pigs.

Writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.

If a vegetarian eats veg, what does an humanitarian eat?

A slim chance and a fat chance are similar.

So are quite a lot and quite a few.

But overlook and oversee are very different.

You fill in a form to fill it out.

An alarm goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, you see their light but when the lights are out you see nothing.


Talk about "ask a silly question"...

How do they get deer to cross at their special road sign?

How do you get the "Keep off the Grass" sign on the grass?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

How does the guy who drives the snowplough get to work in the mornings?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? (Does he employ a splinter group?)

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it considered a ham-hock?

If a turtle lost his shell, is he homeless, naked, or both?


Sad News - The Pilsbury Doughboy died yesterday

It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following:

Please join me in remembering a great icon - the veteran Pilsbury spokesman. The Pilsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus, they had a bun in the oven. His elderly father, Pop Tart, also survives him.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects; including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, and The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, as well as Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours as long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. He rose quickly in show business, yet his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie; wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he was still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions. Toward the end it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes, until done. Truly, a sad day.


Do a quiz with absolutely no trick questions. Kinda.

QUESTIONS...

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makesPanamahats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) TheCanary Islandsin the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

ANSWERS...

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2)Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fur.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria -Islandof the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of QueenVictoriathat no future king should ever be called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9)New Zealand.

10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.


Read some particularly badly formed headlines

Not suprisingly (harsh but true), most of these supposedly true newspaper headlines are from the USA...

March Planned For Next August

Lingerie Shipment Hijacked--Thief Gives Police The Slip

L.A.Voters Approve Urban Renewal By Landslide

Patient At Death's Door--Doctors Pull Him Through

Women's Movement Called More Broad-Based

Lawyers Give Poor Free Legal Advice

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Half ofU.S.High Schools Require Some Study for Graduation

Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen in Years


Read some supposedly true signs from around the world

Supposedly true signs from around the world

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing, please not to read notice.

In a Bucharesthotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzigelevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgradehotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Parishotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscowhotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kongtailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkokdry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Parisdress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodestailor shop:
Order your summer’s suit. Because of big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

From the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000SovietRepublic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose

In a Zurichhotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kongdentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Romelaundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkoktemple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyobar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagenairline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscowhotel room:
If this is your first visit to theUSSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapestzoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulcohotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyoshop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cools and Heats: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.


Read some very funny answering machine messages

These are supposedly actual answering machine announcements.

1. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.

3. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4. Hi. Now you say something.

5. Hi, I'm not home right now, but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

6. Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?

7. Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call sooner!

8. Hi! John's answering machine is broken This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

10. This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number and your reason for calling, and I'll think about returning your call.

11. Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

12. Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

13. If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave a message.

14. Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.


Check out some supposedly true and very funny answers in a written driving test

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.


25 Steps To Building A Webpage

1. Download a piece of Web authoring software ~ 20 minutes.
2. Think about what you want to write on your Web page. ~ 6 weeks.
3. Download the same piece of Web authoring software, because they have released 3 new versions since the first time you downloaded it. ~ 20 minutes.
4. Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on your site. ~ 1 minute.
5. Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them that you like. ~ 4 days.
6. Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails, download it again. ~ 25 minutes.
7. Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar buttons to see what they do. ~ 15 minutes.
8. View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a few words here and there. ~ 4 hours.
9. Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software. ~ 1 minute.
10. Try to horizontally line up two related images ~ 6 hours.
11. Remove one of the images. ~ 10 seconds.
12. Set the text's font color to the same color as your background, wonder why all your text is gone. ~ 4 hours.
13. Download a counter from your ISP. ~ 4 minutes.
14. Try to figure out why your counter reads "You are visitor number 16.3 E10". ~ 3 hours.
15. Put 4 blank lines between two lines of text. ~ 8 hours.
16. Fine-tune the text, then prepare to load your Web page on your ISP. ~ 40 minutes.
17. Accidentally delete your complete web page, follow with an extremely LOUD scream. ~ 10 seconds {1 to delete, 9 to scream}.
18. Recreate your web page ~ 2 days.
19. Try to figure out how to load your Web page onto your ISP's server. ~ 3 weeks.
20. Call a patient friend to find out about FTP. ~ 30 minutes.
21. Download FTP software. ~ 10 minutes.
22. Call your friend again. ~ 15 minutes.
23. Upload your web page to your ISP's server. ~ 10 minutes.
24. Connect to your site on the web. ~ 1 minute.
25. Repeat any and all of the previous steps ~ eternity.


This is a really good beer problem information sheet

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
PROBLEM: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
PROBLEM: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
PROBLEM: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
PROBLEM: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
PROBLEM: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
PROBLEM: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
PROBLEM: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
PROBLEM: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
PROBLEM: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
PROBLEM: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
PROBLEM: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, call taxi.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
PROBLEM: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
PROBLEM: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
PROBLEM: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
PROBLEM: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar


Check out the top 20 homicides

Every year the US FBI is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including Murder/Homicide. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit publishes its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year".

20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20" vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged bout of "fun" she snapped, pushing all 20" of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. She was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to "have his way with her". His unwelcome advance was met with a prompt kick in the chest and then 4 shots from a double barrelled shot gun Carla's (the girlfriend) father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years (yes, 8 years). The landlord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her 1-year-old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

14. Megan Fri, 44 years old, is killed by 14 State troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street Megan had jumped out in front of them and yelled "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target." one of the toppers stated in his report.

13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a "Hit Man" hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The "Hit Man" was promised $500,000 for the task. The "Hit Man" also killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape, and mother worked as an ironing lady, didn't have access to $500,000.

12 LouisZaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. Lee Zaragoza had been plotting to kill him for over a year, and had cut the brakes on his car 4 times previously. On this attempt Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her, grabbed her and spun her around. As he did, she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.

11. Mummod Foli was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia after he accidentally took away the gangster's drink too soon as the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset he forced the waiter to drink over 27 liters of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mummod drowned.

10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

9. Helena Simms, wife of famous American nuclear scientist, Harold Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substitutedHelena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of Radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never went to a doctor or hospital for a check up.

8. Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4) the Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. Several persons, some up to 14 kilometers away, witnessed the explosion. No traces of the car or the victim were ever found, only a crater 55 meters deep and 500 meters of missing road.

7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, "Die Hard, With a Vengeance" as inspiration, drugged his boyfriend Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read "Death to all Niggers!" on one side, and "God loves the KKK" on the other side. Lewis then drove the victim to down townHarlemand dropped him off. Two minutes laterBerrywas deceased.

5. Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World Florida dropped a 20 ton killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Ton Crane. When the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness his colleague, Brian Hartley released the whale, crushing the victim instantly (and emptying 1/4 of the water from the pool).

4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane. The plane's gear automatically retracted after take off, but come landing time they wouldn't deploy. The helpless Densinter could not do a thing as the plane ran out of fuel, in an attempt at an emergency landing the 747 exploded. Densinter was killed instantly

3. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past aNew Yorkapartment building. David Smee, 7 years old, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotel's gaming room. Bored, the kids thought it might be fun to try and squish the "ant looking things on the foot path below." They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.

2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian" Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.

1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her Zookeeper boy- friend Matthew Kellaway after she refused sex. He "invited her" to the zoo to the see the lions feeding. She accepted and he then led her into a room that had a large slide away panel. He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He "ducked out for a quick smoke" and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many persons starring at her; she was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realized that it was she who was on the wrong side. Another panel opened and 3 hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for 2 days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.


Actual answers given by students on their test papers

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This procedure is called gross anatomy.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars and eight cuspidors.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.


Learn how to be a gangsta in 5 easy steps!

How To Be A Gangsta (In 5 Simple Steps)

1. You have to master the swagger of your typical homie. Watch MTV for inspiration, then imitate the ridiculous walk of your favourite rap star.If you find yourself having difficulties, visualize yourself with a massive case of hemmorhoids, and/or a pickle shoved up your ass. A big pickle.

CHECKLIST*

-- Are your feet wider apart than your shoulders?
-- Do you have a decided backwards slant to your torso?
-- Do your knuckles hit the back of your calves?
If so, then you can continue.

2. Language is very important. When attempting to fit in with the rap community, you must forget everything you have learned about the English language and how to speak it properly. It helps if you have some sort of speech impediment, preferably one which makes you sound like you have a mouth full of oatmeal at any given point. Remember, contractions are your new god. Practice at home, at the bus station, at school; anywhere you can.

TRANSLATION GUIDE:

yo'ma'ma = A derogatory term, used to insult your mother. (Note: this is supposed to incense you.)
word, y'all = Something roughly equivalent to hello. Variations on this are many:
what'up ho'mes; word to yo'ma'ma; yo y'all (pl. y'allz); what'up; what'da word from'da 'hood; and others.
you best be steppin' = You should leave, before the speaker decides to hurt you.
I'm a gon'open a can of whoop'ass on y'all = I will beat you up.
watch'or mouf, man = It would probably be a wise idea, when this is heard, to shut up.
mofo = Motherf*er, in the new hip short talk.
I gots ta bounce = Roughly equivalent to goodbye.
cruisin' = walking about aimlessly, shoving each other into old people and laughing uproariously, whilst calling each other mofos.

CHECKLIST*

-- Do you use four-letter words within 30 seconds of each other?
-- Can you drop a syllable off of every word without thinking about it?
-- Can you omit words such as "of" and "to" with ease?
-- Would you be unintelligible to your aunts or uncles?
If not, you'd better practice a little more.

3. You'll have to acquire a g' name. 2-Pac is a popular one, as is Biggie. (For more information, see "people" section below.) Or, there's always shortening your name to the first letter of your first name, then adding an adjective. For example, there's Lil' J, or Big R. You can also go with just the adjective: Slim, Shorty, etc. You'll fit right in.

CHECKLIST*

-- Does your name sound stupid?
Well, since this is the only evident requirement, on we go.

4. You'll need to be hip to the rap gurus of the moment. A commonly idolized rapper, 2-Pac, was shot some time ago. In the "softcore" rap crowd, Ma$e and Puff Daddy are really cool. Busta Rhymes, Lil' Kim, Biggie Smalls (also dead), Snoop Doggy Dog and Dr. Dre are also cult favourites. Feel free to mix 'n' match at will.

With the celebrities, come the "sides". There's Westside and Eastside. They have nothing to do with where you are on a map. To demonstrate your undying allegiance to the Westside, cross the two middle fingers on one hand, and wave that hand about profusely, whilst shouting "Wess'ide, man..Wess'ide!" This will go over big. The Eastside sign is formed by turning the previously-made W upside down, in the shape of an M. One will shout "Yo'mofos! Eass'ide rules!" or something of that ilk. Make sure, before you attempt the hand signs, that you're with a group of the same patriotism, or else you'll get a can of whoop'ass opened on you. Y'all, rather.

CHECKLIST*

-- Can you name the past five rap stars to have gotten shot?
-- Can you wave your hands about with sufficient fury to give yourself carpal tunnel syndrome?
-- Are you scared of your own idiocy?
Let's hope so. These are crucial before moving on to the last section.

5. G' clothing is rather simple. For pants, all you need to do is cruise the local mall until you find a really fat person. Check out the waist size on his jeans, then head to the nearest store playing rap music to buy a matching pair. They must also be long. You'll know you've made a good buy when you have three yards of fabric bunched about your ankles. You must wear them low-slung as well. The prerequisite, an assumed few pairs of cool boxer shorts, should be mostly hanging out. But to complete your lower half, you must own a stylin' belt. The purpose of this belt is not altogether clear, save for it holds your pants firmly against your upper thighs and restricts movement, making the rap strut easier. Trust me.

As for what kind of pants to wear, army pants (in any, and all, colours), jeans, tearaways and cargo pants will all do nicely.

On your top half, you should wear shirts which would fit the fat man at the mall. At the same store where you bought your pants, you will find the bright colours that are a necessity to successful gangsta dress.Oranges, yellows, and greens are especially good. T-shirts are acceptable, provided they have sleeves that reach halfway down your forearm, and that they come at least halfway down your thigh. Sweatshirts should be almost as long, and have either Nike or Fubu emblazoned across the front. Never, EVER get caught dead in a sweater. Jackets are easy. All you need is something that's shiny, bright, and looks like it would fit a 300-pound Eskimo, as well as be suitable for said Eskimo's environmental surroundings.

For shoes, again, Nikes and Fubus are the best. Reeboks and Adidases are fine for the beginning g'. They have to have cost at least $150, and be shiny and bright. You might as well forget how to tie knots, because the gangsta who ties his shoes up, gets beat up. You can accessorize with one of those key chain straps (the ones that circle your neck) that seem to be all the rage. It must say Fubu on it, of course. A hat is good, as long as it's got one of the previously-mentioned trade names on it. Turn the hat sideways for extra respect. That's spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T. You can always go with a handkerchief as well, with the hat or alone. Snoop Doggy Dog wears one, if you need celebrity reinforcement.

CHECKLIST*

-- Could you put on 200+ pounds and not have it be noticed while dressed?
-- Could you fit your entire family into one single pantleg?
-- When you walk, are you perpetually close to tripping/falling over?
-- Is your shirt long enough to cover someone seven feet tall?
It appears, with the above questions answered affirmatively, that you've completed my tutorial and are now a fledgeling gangsta, prepared for the wide world of rap. Happy g'ing!


Ponder these imponderables!

Imponderables

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What happens if you open it somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways inHawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?


Learn how to give more than 100%

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

Here is how to achieve 103%.

Here is a little maths that might prove helpful in the future!...

If
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
equals
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
then

H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98%

K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96%

A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

But,

B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while HARDWORK and KNOWLEDGE will get you close, and ATTITUDE will get you there, its really the BULLSHIT and the ASSKISSING that will put you over the top.


Learn what these computer industry acronyms really mean!

CIA - Computer Industry Acronyms

CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms

ISDN: It Still Does Nothing

SCSI: System Can't See It

MIPS: Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

DOS: Defunct Operating System

WINDOWS: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too

PnP: Plug and Pray

APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

IBM: I Blame Microsoft

DEC: Do Expect Cuts

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers

CA: Constant Acquisitions

COBOL: Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

LISP: Lots of Insipid and Stupid Parentheses

MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

AAAAA: American Association Against Acronym Abuse.

WYSIWYMGIYRRLAAGW: What You See Is What You Might Get If You're Really Really Lucky And All Goes Well.


LEGAL MORON LAWSUITS

In 1994, aNew Mexicojury awarded $ 2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who suffered third-degree burns to her legs, groin, and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.

This case inspired an annual award - The "Stella" Award - for the most frivolous lawsuit in theU.S.The ones listed below are clear candidates from 1997 through last year.

All these cases are verging on the outright ridiculous and show (in the good oldUSA) with the proper attorney and right jury you could be awarded anything! (O.J. had to wait for his second trial to get his financial comeuppance. That was perhaps a rarity of "justice." The below are not rare; just plain outrageous.)

1. January 2000: Kathleen Robertson ofAustin,Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amok inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little prick was Ms. Robertson's son.

2. June 1998: A 19-year-old Carl Truman ofLos Angeleswon $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his the car's hubcaps.

3. October 1998: A Terrence Dickson ofBristol,Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up, because the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation. Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. Mr. Dickson sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.

4. October 1999: Jerry Williams ofLittle RockArkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in it's owner's fenced-in yard with Mr. Williams. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog may have been provoked by Mr. Williams who, at the time, was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

5. May 2000: APhiladelphiarestaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson ofLancaster,Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on soft drink and broke her coccyx. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson threw it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

6. December 1997: Kara Walton ofClaymont,Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

7. (Date missing): And just so you know that cooler heads do occasionally prevail: Kenmore Inc., the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave, were found not liable for the death of Mrs. Johnson's poodle after she gave it a bath and attempted to dry it by putting the poor creature in her microwave for "just a few minutes, on low." The case was quickly dismissed.


Why you should be proud to be British!

Proud to be British!

Very proud to be British because...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and put our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.

Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

Only in Britain... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

and finally...

In 2000, eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.


HOW TO INSTALL SOFTWARE, the Truth!

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for awhile, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
+--+ +--+ | YES | | SURE | +--+ +--+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$.

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.


Some rules to live by

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors, and miss.

Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into a watergun and shoot other people in the eyes.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Never buy a car you can't push.

Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you don't have a leg to stand on.

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

The early worm gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken.

Be nice to the nerds and geeks in high school -- you'll be working for them in the future.


Birth Months: (bold yours)

JANUARY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people's flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY:
Abstract thoughts.Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH:
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL:
Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY:
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE:
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY:
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave andcaring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led.Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER:
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people's mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well.Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER:
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER:
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER:
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.


This is the stupidity test! 100 stupid things that people do! Bold the ones that you have done!

1. Forgot to put the lid on the blender, turned it on, and had everything fly out
2. Gotten your head stuck between the stair rails
3. Broken a chair by leaning back in it
4. Had gum fall out of your mouth while you were talking
5. Choked on your own spit while you were talking
6. Had people tell you that you are blonde when you're not/or had had people tell you that your blonde highlights are going to your head
7. Been caught staring at your crush by your crush him/herself
8. Have looked for something for at least 10 min then realized it was in your hand
9. Tried to push open a door that said pull
10. Tried to pull open a door that said push
11. Have actually believed someone when they said that they knew how to make a love potion
12. Have hit yourself in the process of trying to hit something else
14. Have actually exploded marshmallows in the microwave
15. Have gotten gum stuck in your hair
16. Had gum fall out of your mouth while trying to blow a bubble
17. Have had the juice from a mini tomato/corn/apple squirt out and hit somebody else when you bit into it
18. Have had your drink come out your nose because you were laughing so hard
19. Have called one of your good friends by the wrong name
20. Have skinned your toe because you were playing soccer or kickball with flip flops on or you were barefoot
21. Have put a sticker on your forehead, forgot it was there, and went out in public with it on (I put it on the tip of my nose, too)
22. Have fallen out of a moving vehicle.
23. Have run into a closed door
24. Have almost shot someone with a real gun while trying to shoot something else
25. Searched for your cell phone while you were talking on it
26. It has taken you longer than 5 min to get a joke
27. Have gotten your hair stuck in a blow dryer
28. Have gotten your hair stuck in a fan
29. Tripped on a crack in the sidewalk
30. Said o'clock after saying how many min after the hour, example: 5:30 o'clock, or 6:15 o'clock
31. After someone told you that there was gum on the ground, you stepped in it
32. Put on a white shirt even though you already knew it was raining outside
33. Have ever walked up to a stranger because you thought they were someone else
34. Ever been kicked out of a grocery store/off their property
35. Touched the stove, the curling iron, a hot pan, etc on purpose even though you knew it was hot
36. Picked out your change of clothes, took off the ones you had on and then accidentally put the old clothes back on
37. Wondered why something wasn't working then realized it wasn't plugged in
38. Put the cereal in the fridge, or put the milk in the cupboard
39. Walked into a pole
40. Wore two different earrings or shoes by accident
41. Put your shirt on backwards/inside-out without realizing it then left your house
42. Tried to take a picture of your/someone's eye with the flash on
43. Gotten a ring stuck on your finger because you put it on even though you knew it was too small
44. Walked out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe without realizing it
45. Went to go do something/go get something, then when you got there forgot what is was that you were going to do.
46. Picked up someone else's drink and drank out of it by accident when your drink was right next to it
47. Fallen out of your chair while trying to pick something up
48. Have poked yourself in the eye
49. Have gotten in the shower with your socks still on
50. Melted your hairbrush while blow drying your hair
51. Have done enough stupid things to make a test
52. Have accidentally stabbed yourself with a pencil
53. Have sung the wrong verse to a song without realizing it
54. Have given an odd answer to a question because you didn't hear the question in the first place and didn't feel like asking what it was.
55. Told someone you were the wrong age because you seriously forgot how old you were
56. Looked into an overhead light purposely while it was on
57. Got up early and got ready for school/work/meeting, then realized that you didn't have school/work/meeting that day.
58. Have tripped on a cord after someone told you to watch out for it
60. Have ever laughed at a joke or movie that no one else thought was funny
61. Done the Macarena to the electric slide or vice versa
62. Said funner, then had someone make fun of you for it
63. Have repeated yourself at least twice in the same sentence
64. Brought up an inside joke with the wrong person
65. Didn't do the backside of an assignment because you thought that there wasn't one or because you had already looked and forgot that there was another side
66. Did more work than you had to on an assignment because you didn't read the directions
67. Corrected someone's grammar/pronunciation then figured out that you were the one that was wrong
68. Put something in a special place so that you would remember where it was, then forgot where you put it
69. Put ice in your drink after the glass was full of liquid and had it splash out.
70. Told a lie then forgot what it was that you had said and got caught
71. When wearing goggles, you pulled them away from your face and let go so that they would come back and snap you in the face
72. Forgot to make sure that the lamp was off before you replaced the light bulb
73. Ran into a door jam
74. Told someone that you hardly ever do stupid things, then immediately did/said something stupid
75. Told someone to watch out for something, then you were the one that ran into it
76. Have purposely licked playground sand
77. Have purposely and repeatedly flicked yourself with a rubber band
78. Gotten so hyper that someone actually thought you were drunk when you weren't
79. Have been so hyper you actually scared people
80. Put duct tape on your body then pulled it off to see if it would pull your hairs out
81. Put duct tape on your hair/someone else's hair then pulled it off
82. Put a clothes pin/hair clip on your lip, figured out that it hurt, then did it again
83. Sat and wondered why men’s dress shirts have a loop on the back
84. Made up a code name for someone so that you could talk about them to someone else and no one else would know who you were talking about
85. Have gotten a hairbrush stuck in your hair
86. Used the straw to blow the straw wrapper at someone
87. Shaved your tongue because you thought your taste buds looked weird
88. When at a restaurant/cafeteria, you used your spoon to fling stuff at people
89. Have flung forks at people in a restaurant/cafeteria
90. Sucked on a cup and got a hickey from it.
91. As you were writing, you moved your head back and forth with your pen/pencil
92. Have drawn finger puppets on your fingers then named them
93. Have wrapped someone in a roll of toilet paper
94. Have used somebody else's toothbrush without even realizing it wasn't yours
95. Started telling a story and forget what you were talking about or what happened in the story
96. When you saw a ‘beware of dog’ sign, you told the owners to beware of the dogs not realizing they owned the dogs
97. You have spelled your own name wrong before
98. When lying in bed you look for pictures in the texture of the ceiling.
99. Have used your calculator as a form of communication in class
100. Have popped a balloon in your mouth


One Hundred Laws of Anime:

Disclaimer: I did not originally compile nor do I own this. All credit belongs to the rightful owner/s.

1. Law of Metaphysical Irregularity
The normal laws of physics do not apply.

2. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
Whenever someone or something jumps, is thrown, or otherwise is rendered airborn, gravity is reduced by a factor of 4.

3. Law of Sonic Amplification, First Law of Anime Acoustics
In space, loud sounds, like explosions, are even louder because there is no air to get in the way.

4. Law of Constant Thrust, First Law of Anime Motion
In space, constant thrust equals constant velocity.

5. Law of Mechanical Mobility, Second Law of Anime Motion
The larger a mechanical device is, the faster it moves. Armored Mecha are the fastest objects known to human science.

6. Law of Temporal Variability
Time is not a constant. Time stops for the hero whenever he does something 'cool' or 'impressive'. Time slows down when friends and lovers are being killed and speeds up whenever there is a fight.

7. First Law of Temporal Mortality
'Good Guys' and 'Bad Guys' both die in one of two ways. Either so quick they don't even see it coming, OR it's a long drawn out affair where the character gains much insight to the workings of society, human existence or why the toast always lands butter side down.

8. Second Law of Temporal Mortality
It takes some time for bad guys to die... regardless of physical damage. Even when the 'Bad Guys' are killed so quickly they didn't even see it coming, it takes them a while to realize they are dead. This is attributed to the belief that being evil damages the Reality Lobe of the brain.

9. Law of Dramatic Emphasis
Scenes involving extreme amounts of action are depicted with either still-frames or black screens with a slash of bright color (usually red or white).

10, Law of Dramatic Multiplicity
Scenes that only happen once, for instance, a 'Good Guy' kicks the 'Bad Guy' in the face, are seen at least 3 times from 3 different angles.

11. Law of Inherent Combustability
Everything explodes. Everything.
First Corollary - Anything that explodes bulges first.
Second Corollary - Large cities are the most explosive substances known to human science.Tokyo in particular seems to be the most unstable of these cities, sometimes referred to as "The Matchstick City".

12. Law of Phlogistatic Emission
Nearly all things emit light from fatal wounds.

13. Law of Energetic Emission
There is alway an energy build up (commonly referred to as an energy 'bulge') before Mecha or space craft weapons fire. Because of the explosive qualities of weapons, it is believed that this is related to the Law of Inherent Combustability.

14. Law of Inverse Lethal Magnitude
The destructive potential of a weapon is inversly proportional to its size.
First Corollary - Small and cute will always overcome big and ugly. Also know as the A-Ko phenomenon.

15. Law of Inexhaustability
No one EVER runs out of ammunition. That is of course unless they are cornered, out-numbered, out-classed, and unconscious.

16. Law of Inverse Accuracy
The accuracy of a 'Good Guy' when operating any form of fire-arm increases as the difficulty of the shot increases. The accuracy of the 'Bad Guys' when operating fire-arms decreases when the difficulty of the shot decreases. (Also known as the Stormtrooper Effect)
Example: A 'Good Guy' in a drunken stupor being held upside down from a moving vehicle will always hit, and several battalions of 'Bad Guys' firing on a 'Good Guy' standing alone in the middle of an open field will always miss.
First Corollary - The more 'Bad Guys' there are, the less likely they will hit anyone or do any real damage.
Second Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is faced with insurmountable odds, the 'Bad Guys' line up in neat rows, allowing the hero to take them all out with a single burst of automatic fire and then escape.
Third Corollary - Whenever a 'Good Guy' is actually hit by enemy fire, it is in a designated 'Good Guy Area', usually a flesh wound in the shoulder or arm, which restricts the 'Good Guy' from doing anything more strenuous than driving, firing weaponry, using melee weapons, operating heavy machinery, or doing complex martial arts maneuvres.

17. Law of Transient Romantic Unreliability
Minmei is a bimbo.

18. Law of Hemoglobin Capacity
The human body contains over 12 gallons of blood, sometimes more, under high pressure.

19. Law of Demonic Consistency
Demons and other supernatural creatures have at least three eyes, loads of fangs, tend to be yellow-green or brown (but black is not unknown), and can only be hurt by bladed weapons.

20. Law of Militaristic Unreliability
Huge galaxy-wide armadas, entire armies, and large war-machines full of cruel, heartless, bloodthirsty warriors can be stopped and defeated with a single insignificant example of a caring/loving emotion or a song.

21. Law of Tactical Unreliability
Tactical geniuses aren't...

22. Law of Inconsequential Undetectability
People never notice the little things... Like missing body parts, or wounds the size ofSeattle.

23. Law of Juvenile Intellectuality
Children are smarter than adults. And almost always twice as annoying.

24. Law of Americanthropomorphism
Americans in Anime appear in one of two roles, either as a really nasty skinny 'Bad Guy' or a big stupid 'Good Guy'.
First Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the big dumb Americans are the American translators. (Sometimes referred to as the Green Line Effect.)
Second Corollary - The only people who are more stupid than the American translators are the American editors and censors.

25. Law of Mandibular Proportionality
The size of a person's mouth is directly proportional to the volume at which they are speaking or eating.

26. Law of Feline Mutation
Any half-cat/half-human mutation will invariably:
a) be female
b) will possess ears and sometimes a tail as a genetic mutation
c)and wear as little clothing as possible, if any.

27. Law of Conservation of Firepower
Any powerful weapon capable of destroying/defeating an opponent in a single shot will invariably be reserved and used only as a last resort.

28. Law of Technological User-Benevolence
The formal training required to operate a spaceship or mecha is inversely proportional to its complexity.

29. Law of Melee Luminescence
Any being displaying extremely high levels of martial arts prowess and/or violent emotions emits light in the form of a glowing aura. This aura is usually blue for 'good guys' and red for 'bad guys'. This is attributed to Good being higher in the electromagnetic spectrum than Evil.

30. Law of Non-anthropomorphic Antagonism
All ugly, non-humanoid alien races are hostile, and usually hell-bent on destroying humanity for some obscure reason.

31. Law of Follicular Chroma Variability
Any color in the visible spectrum is considered a natural hair color. This color can change without warning or explanation.

32. Law of Follicular Permanence
Hair in anime is pretty much indestructable, and can resist any amount of meteorological conditions, energy emissions, physical abuse, or explosive effects and still look perfect. The only way to hurt someone's hair is the same way you deal with demons... with bladed weapons!

33. Law of Topological Aerodynamics, First Law of Anime Aero-Dynamics
ANY shape, no matter how convoluted or odd-looking, is automatically aerodynamic.

34. Law of Probable Attire
Clothing in anime follows certain predictable guidelines.
--Female characters wear as little clothing as possible, regardless of whether it is socially or meteorologically appropriate. Any female with an excessive amount of clothing will invariably have her clothes ripped to shreds or torn off somehow. If there is no opportunity to tear off the afore-mentioned female's clothes, then she will inexplicably take a shower for no apparent reason (also known as the Gratuitous Shower Scene).
--Whenever there is a headwind, a Male characters will invariably wear a long cloak which doesn't hamper movement and billows out dramatically behind him.
First Corollary (Cryo-Adaptability) - All anime characters are resistant to extremely cold temperatures, and do not need to wear heavy or warm clothing in snow.
Second Corollary (Indecent Invulnerability) - Bikinis render the wearer invulnerable to any form of damage.

35. Law of Musical Omnipotence
Any character capable of musical talent (singing, playing an instrument, etc.) is automatically capable of doing much more "simple" things like piloting mecha, fighting crime, stopping an intergalactic war, and so on... especially if they have never attempted these things before.

36. Law of Quitupular Aggultination
Also called "The Five-man Rule," when "Good Guys" group together, it tends to be in groups of five. There are five basic positions, which are:
a) The Hero/Leader
b) His girlfriend
c) His Best Friend/Rival
d) A Hulking Brute
e) A Dwarf/Kid
Between these basic positions are distributed several attributes, which include:
--Extreme Coolness
--Amazing Intelligence
--Incredible Irritation

37. Law of Extradimensional Capacitance
All anime females have an extra-dimensional storage space of variable volume somewhere on their person from which they can instantly retrieve any object at a moment's notice.
First Corollary (The Hammer Rule) - The most common item stored is a heavy mallet, which can be used with unerring accuracy on any male who deserves it. Other common items include costumes/uniforms, power suits/armor, and large bazookas.

38. Law of Hydrostatic Emission
Eyes tend to be rather large in Anime. This is because they contain several gallons of water, which may be instantaneously released at high pressure through large tear ducts. The actual volume of water contained in the eyes is unknown, as there is no evidence to suggest that these reservoirs are actually capable of running out. The reason water tends to collect in the eyes is because Anime characters only have one large sweat gland, which is located at the back of the head. When extremely stressed, embarrassed, or worried, this sweat gland exudes a single but very large drop of sebaceous fluid.

39. Law of Inverse Attraction
Success at finding suitable mates is inversely proportionate to how desperately you want to be successful. The more you want, the less you get.
First Corollary Unfortunately, this law seems to apply to Otaku in the real world...

40. Law of Nasal Sanguination
When sexually aroused, males in Anime don't get erections, they get nosebleeds. No one's sure why this is, though... the current theory suggests that larger eyes means smaller sinuses and thinner sinus tissue (see Law #38 above). Females don't get nosebleeds, but invariably get one heck of a blush along the cheeks and across the nose, suggesting a lot of bloodflow to that region.

41. Law of Xylolaceration
Wooden or bamboo swords are just as sharp as metal swords, if not sharper.

42. Law of Juvenile Omnipotence
Always send a boy to do a man's job. He'll get it done in half the time and twice the angst.

43. Law of Quadrotriscadecophobia
There is no Law #43.

44. Law of Nominative Clamovocation
The likelihood of success and damage done by a martial arts attack is directly proportional to the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced.

45. Law of Uninterrupted Metamorphosis
Regardless of how long or involved the transformation sequence or how many times they've seen it before, any 'Bad Guys' witnessing a mecha/hero/heroine transforming are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it.

46. Law of Flimsy Incognition
Simply changing into a costume or wearing a teensy mask can make you utterly unrecognizable to even your closest friends and relative.

47. Law of Mandibular Combustible Emission
All anime characters seem to have some unknown chemical on their breath that reacts VERY violently with extremely hot or spicy food. This chemical may also be responsible for the phenomenon of fire behind the eyes and from the mouth when a character (usually a female) is really angry.

48. Law of Electrical and Combustible Survivalism
If you get electrocuted or burned, YOU WILL SURVIVE!! Though your entire body will be scorched, seconds later,your skin won’t have a trace of damage (Also known as the "Pikachu Effect").
First Corollary When a magical bad guy/Alien/monster fires off a flame, wind, or ice attack, the resulting effect is only enough for the hero(es)/heroine(s) to be standing in the "Walking Against the Wind" stance, with his/her eyes shut and letting out a pathetic "Aaaaagh!", and yet they are never harmed. This may be in part to laws 32, 34 and sometimes 44.

49. Law of Female Wrath
If a male character insults a female character, he will get a mallet, shotgun, or tank blast, or if she is a character that can perform
magical feats, a fireball or whatever, to the head, body or whatever (Also known as the "Lina Inverse/Gourry Factor") This is because he always deserves it, and will help him to cope in today’s society.

50. Law of Artistic Perversion
Most (not all) Anime artists are perverts and are under the impression that girls are willing to tear off their clothes, or wear VERY small, revealing outfits at the drop of a pin (or pen for that matter). Unfortunately, most Hentai fans are under the same impression.

51. Law of Uninterrupted Nominative Clamovocation
This law is a mixture of Laws 44 and 45. Regardless of how long or involved the Spell or projectile attack is, and the likelihood of success and damage done by the volume at which the full name of the attack is announced, or how many times they’ve seen it before, any "Bad Guys" witnessing a hero/heroine quoting the incantations for an extremely powerful attack are too stunned to do anything to interrupt it. (Also known as the "Dragon Slave Phenomenon")

52. Law of Telepathic Obliviousness
Most of the time, some Anime characters (usually males) will think personal (Like that he/she has sabotaged something), or perverted thoughts, while near some other character, WHO’S TELEPATHIC!! The reasons for this are:
1) They forgot that the person is telepathic.
2) They just don’t give a damn. The reasons the telepathic person doesn’t react are:
a) They’re preoccupied with doing something else.
b) They’d rather keep the fact to themselves that they are Telepathic.
c) They just don’t give a damn.

53. Law of Chromatic Diversity
Air can be any color of the viewable spectrum.

54. Law of Old Man Comic Relief
Comic relief comes in the form of a short, bald, wise-mouthed dirty old man or alien. Or the combination of any two of those traits.
First Corollary If old man is present, and is acting too horny, stupid, etc., there will invariably be an old woman to whap him over the head with a frying pan or something.

55. Law of the Wise Old Man Little old Japanese men always know how it ends andwithhold the ending from anyone, especially the hero. This includes special/powerful weapons, ancient relics, and people who know everything.

56. Law of Omnipotent Unreliability Any "Bad Guy" with Omnipotent powers/weapons will never use those powers/weapons against the "Good Guy" until it is too late.
First Corollary- All "Bad Guys" suffer from Antagonistic Boasting Syndrome which require all "Bad Guys" to threaten with or exemplify their prowess and not use it against the "Good Guy".
Second Corollary- No "Bad Guy" may use any new, secret, or superior military device without one of the following events occurring:
a) The control device being broken. The control device being taken by the "Good Guy".
c) The control device is in fact not the real device at all and was just "fooled" by the "Good Guy".
d) The "Bad Guy" has already lost and cannot use the device.

57. Law of Minimum Corneal Volume
Eyeballs may make up no less than one sixth of the face’s total surface area. More so if the case is a blonde woman.

58. Law of Electrical Charges in Hair
Hair attracts electricity in abundance, resulting in two outcomes:
a) A positive charge will result in the spikes-flying-everywhere-behind-me look.
b) A negative charge will result in the hair-cascading-down-to-the-waist-in-a-single-sheet look.

59. Law of Ammunition Accuracy
When there are multiple types of ammunition available (paintballs, speaker pods), non-lethal rounds will always be more accurate when compared to "standard" or lethal shots. (Macross Plus for paintballs, Macross 7 for speaker pods)

60. Law of Active Female Attraction
In a comedy series, a male character’s attractiveness to women is inversely proportional to how active they pursue them. (Tenchi, Ranma, and Makoto OVA have a seemingly endless supply of willing girlfriends despite their lack of romantic skill while Happosai, Ataru, and Carrot couldn't get a date despite or because of their constant attempts.)

61. Law of Sweat Pore Variability
When a person is embarrassed, caught in an awkward situation, or otherwise
humiliated, all sweat pores on the body contract, except for ones on the forehead. These pores expand to such a degree that a single drop could fill a Big Gulp from 7-11.

62. The Law of Inverse Training Time
A person who has been training for 3 years is never as good as someone who has been training for one month.

63. Law of Needs to Few and Many
The needs of the many, outweigh the needs of the few... of even the one.

64. Law of Bad Humor
Whenever someone says something that is intended to be funny, whether actually funny or not, the rest of the characters (even animals) fall to the ground with their feet in the air. Sweat sometimes accompanies the fall. (The sound of a cow mooing usually accompanies the joke as well.)

65. Law of Extreme Anger
Whenever a female character gets mad, such as seeing the male character with another girl, she becomes extremely strong (despite her usually
helpless look) so that she can lift a 1000 ton object to hurt the guy. She can sometimes perform other punishments that are just as cruel such as punching the guy’s face so hard that it changes shape. (see law #49)

66. Law of Differentiated Gravitation
First Corollary- If the airborne entity exceeds an altitude equal or greater than two times the height of the entity, gravity is decreased by an inverse coefficient relative to the upward momentum and mass/weight (if within at least 500 km of any gravity source) of the entity "jumping".
Second Corollary- The amount of Newtonian "opposite force" (in accordance to normal downward velocity; "Earth gravity" speed is equal to 32ft/sec/sec) is also inversely proportional to the "actual" speed of the airborne entity. In all actuality, an entity that appears to be flying towards a solid concrete parking lot from space will actually land, producing an opposite force of approximately 1.73 lb. of pressure. Unless this particular entity is a "Bad Guy". Then the law exhibits a mysterious exponentially proportional Newtonian opposite force, thusly increasing this variable by a factor equal to the inverse-gravity potential.

67. Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension
In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases, the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient must be increased by a proportional amount to compensate. In any situation where this does not happen, the "Bad Guy" inevitably comes out on top. However, this usually leads to a further rise in the Ambient Dramatic tension, which will always be offset by an exponential increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient.

68. Law of Coercive Vehicular Control
No matter how complex or well defined the control system, a character controlling a vehicle of any sort always does so through
means of undetectable subconscious psychokinesis.
First Corollary- Characters can perform actions with their vehicles which clearly defy normal physics (see Laws of Metaphysical Irregularity and Constant Thrust). The velocity, attitude and traction of the vehicle appear to be adjusted at will, with the degree of absolute control being proportional to the complexity and lethality of the manoeuvre.
Second Corollary- It is effectively impossible to remove characters from or disrupt the passage of their vehicles without the character’s consent. This does not always apply to "Bad Guy" characters, or "Good Guy" characters in situations where
the Ambient Dramatic Tension could increase in accordance with the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension.

69. Amendment to the Law of Conservation of Ambient Dramatic Tension
In any situation where the Ambient Dramatic Tension increases without a corresponding increase in the "Good Guy’s" Style Coefficient, not only does the "Bad Guy" usually come out on top, but also his Smugness Factor increases in proportion to the rise in Ambient Dramatic Tension.

70. Law of The Rushing Background Effect
Whenever something dramatic occurs, a survival instinct engages, thus rendering all incoming stimulus that is not directly and immediately to the dramatic situation at hand a meaningless blur. This is often referred to as "The Rushing Background Effect". Due to the increase in brain activity and adrenaline levels in the bloodstream, the scene is often played out in slow motion.

71. Law of Interdimensional Hammers
Whenever a female character witnesses a male character of her preference performing any sort of questionable act (i.e. Looking at
another girl or anything she might consider as perverted) she can reach into an interdimensional realm (usually behind her back) and withdraw a huge Anime Mallet of Doom with which to whack the said male over the head with. (see Laws # 37, 49, and 65)

72. Law of Instant Band-Aids
Whenever a character is injured (usually in a head shot, maybe from a mallet whack) Band-Aids will always instantly appear on the
wounded individual (and always in pairs, set in a cross fashion). These bandages will then, most likely, disappear by the character’s next scene.

73. Law of Universal Edge Defense
Any projectile attack, from a blast of magic to a hail of bullets, can be easily defended against by holding a suitably cool-looking
sword or other bladed weapon between the attacker and defender, usually so that the edge cuts into the incoming attack(s), causing both halves to go flying harmlessly past the defender. Observed most often in fantasy and martial arts anime.

74. Law of Intractable Sanity
There is no such thing as insanity in anime. When faced with horrifying supernatural forces that would drive most men mad, anime
characters will either:
a) Die quickly (but in accordance with all other laws e.g., slowdown and exposition),
Get possessed by them, especially if they are beautiful girls or men in a position to ravish beautiful girls, or
c) Kill them, wipe the blood off their blades, and walk on whistling.

75. Law of Celestial Body Control
At a dramatically correct moment, a hero can summon a sun/moon/halo/amazing background to appear behind him/her to cause a dramatic silhouette.

76. Law of Aura of Forgetfulness
Any hero who wishes his/her identity to remain a secret will invariably succeed regardless of disguise because everyone around him/her will forget everything. Otherwise, how does Sailor Moon keep her disguise?

77. Law of Cool Hair Factor
The hair of a hero will always coalesce into thick strands that drape his face into a dramatic fashion, regardless of wind, the elements, etc. (see Laws 32 & 48)

78. Law of Inverse Coping
Any single event will happen to the ONE character LEAST capable of dealing with it.

79. Law of Martial Arts Training Invulnerability
The Myth that certain martial arts will enable you to become so strong, that you can stop a nuclear warhead with
your bare palm. Unfortunately, for most otaku, they found the hard way that it just doesn’t work in real life...

80. Law of Stereotype Captain characteristics-
If a captain of any type of ship is male, he will invariably wear a big captain’s cap, a long overcoat, and have a
shaggy beard and moustache (pipe optional), and be a great tactician. If the captainis female, however, she will invariably be young, well endowed, and ditzy as a pole (horny father optional). Yet, she too will be a great tactician.

81. Law of Shades/Coolness Factor
Shades can make you instantly cool, even if you’re normally a klutz.

82. Law of Hentai Plot
The proper response to any change in the plotline of a Hentai anime is to start having sex.

83 Law of Understatement
Anything that is deemed too impossible will become possible.
First Corollary- Any "Bad Guy" stating "T-that’s impossible!" whenever the hero is accomplishing some new feat/move/projectile will find out too late that he is wrong and will invariably be toasted.

84. Law of Dormant Powers
Anytime a hero is somehow outpowered and/or outclassed by the villain, he will invariably release powers/new moves he never knew he could
accomplish... but his old teacher did!

85. Law of Style Coefficient
In a situation where a Good guy may be in dire straits, he will become stronger, smarter and more cool in a matter of seconds. (see Laws #67, 69, and 84)

86. Law of Bad Guy Smugness Factor
Whenever the villain actually succeeds in beating the hero, they will begin to gloat uncontrollably, because they’ve never won against the "Good Guy" (because they’re Eeeviiil!!). They usually get so cocky, they tie the hero to a conveyor belt leading to his doom and leave to get a snack.
Usually this results in:
a) The hero escaping.
b) Clean-up for the underlings.
c) The villain getting toasted.

87. Law of Tableware Nonexistence
There IS no spoon.

88. Law of Goofy Turn-Ons
In Hentai, ordinary , pedestrian objects sometimes have the magical power of either inducing orgasm or arousal. Some include warm water,
rolling on a smooth tabletop, wind, mild electrocution, the character towelling themselves after a bath/shower, and very cold objects... like bottles of 7-up.

89. Law of Penile Variance
All Anime men in Hentai have a ridiculously large penis (lengths of 8, 9, 10 and 11 inches are most common). Some even have ones the size of telephone poles, despite the blood loss that would accompany it...

90. Law of Hentai Female Characteristics
All Hentai women have the following characteristics:
1) Very sensitive and/or very large breasts with large nipples.
2) Very tight and/or sensitive vaginas.

91. Law of Vaginal Variance
Hentai Anime women can take penis lengths of 8" and up... completely... despite the fact that they might have a tight and/or sensitive vagina.

92. Law of Hero Identification
All heroes are introduced by way of appearance while someone talking about their (in)famous-ness, or by way of a voice-over of them introducing themselves.

93. Law of Cute Mascots
Any anime either Shojo or Shonen has GOT to have at least one cute, furry little mascot by penalty of death!
First Corollary- If it is a Shonen Anime, the hero will be accompanied by a dog, cat or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the male persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with girls that is following him around is there because:
1) It’s his girlfriend’s.
2) It is following him, despite his insistence not to do so.
3) Chicks will dig him more.
Second Corollary- If it is a Shojo Anime, the heroine will be accompanied by a cat, cute lil’ mouse, or some disgustingly cute monster, or any kind of animal, real or fake, that would be found with a hero of the female persuasion. Any animal that would be associated with guys that is following her around is there because:
1) It’s her boyfriend’s.
2) It is following her, despite her insistence not to do so.
3) It makes her look cool.

94. Law of The Force
Most Anime heroes are blessed with a unique sort of ability that enables bad things to happen to those that deserve it or makes things like
bullets or debris totally miss them (Also referred to as "Dumb Luck"), even though they are mostly unaware of it. Those who have this ability include Vash the Stampede, Captain Justy Ueki Tylor, and Jar Jar Binks.

95. Law of Naughty Tentacles All Anime Tentacles are VERY horny and will rape any human female, regardless of age ("She’s 18! No! Really, she is! I’m not lying!...")
First Corollary- Even when raped or molested by tentacles, Hentai Anime girls eventually get into it & begin squealing in ecstasy. NO one knows WHY this is, but some theorize there may be some kind of chemical that is secreted through the skin of the tentacle.
Second Corollary- Women who are impregnated by a tentacle creature never experience morning sickness, and also find it to be intensely pleasurable (Also known as the Goofy Meter Redline Effect).
Third Corollary- Similarly, the resulting... offspring of tentacle/human relations is immediately sexually active, often impregnating its own mother again.

96. Law of Cat-Fighting
Two females with a grudge can and will go at each other,
sometimes ripping off clothes. Sometimes it escalates so much, that property damage begins to occur.
First Corollary- A running fight can be so destructive, you can follow it from a distance just by watching for the smoke. (Also known as the "A-ko/B-ko Thing")

97. Law of Healing
Most anime heroes have a Wolverine-like healing factor that enables them to regenerate from a massive wound or broken bone within minutes. Being immortal sometimes helps. (Also known as the "Priss Effect".)

98. Law of Stereotype Crew Characteristics
All ships, either waterborne or spaceborne, have the following crew members:
1) The captain
2) His Lieutenant
3) Various female technical staff
4) A hotshot pilot
5) A cute little girl/twins (either stowaways or not)
6) The Doctor
7) The Doctor’s assistant (either a spy or not)
Weighted among the crew are various quirks which include:
1) Extreme coolness/luck
2) Amazing Intelligence
3) Incredible irritation
4) Extreme cuteness
5) Irresponsible drunkenness
6) Homophobicness
7) Emotionless (Idiots.)

99. Law of Sparkliness
Whenever a character of the main character’s interest appears, flowers, sparkles, or abstract circles of pastel colors appear around said character, or both. Roses with exaggerated thorns appear when it is dangerous love. No one knows why this is, though most have a theory: Anime characters are freaks! At least, Marker Apenname seems to think so...

100. Law of Anime Events
Much like wrestling, anything and everything can happen.


You know you're obsessed with Naruto when you:

-Dye your hair blonde and try to walk up a tree.

-Live by a strict diet of only ramen.

-Call your semester exam a chuunin exam.

-Roll your eyes back in your head and shout "byakugan".

-Copy every thing a person does and claim it's your bloodline.

-Stay up all night waiting for the release of the next manga chapter.

-Start adding the words chan and kun on the end of your friends names.

-Paste a piece of paper that says "Icha Icha paradise" on the front of adult books.

-Jump off a cliff and attempt to use Kuchiyose No Jutsu to summon the toad boss.

-Keep all your money in a frog shaped wallet..

-Stick your hand in a electric box and scream "chidori" as you pass out.

-Join a website and use one of the names in the anime as your username.

-Start to call your teachers Sensei.

-Claim you're going to kill your best friend so you can have a better Sharigan.

-Sit in your local book store and read the manga all day.

-Spend your week searching down Naruto sites.

-Graduate high school and proclaim yourself as an Anbu.

-Cry at the flash back scenes of Sasuke's family.

-List Anbu as current occupation on a job application.

-Can spout out a random character quote on command.

-Wake up in the middle of the night and scream "Itachi why?!".

-Eat all day and all night, and then try to roll into a ball and run someone down.

-Get bit by a snake and decide stabbing the wound is a good idea.

-Decide that if you can't hit a tree 1500 times then you'll jump rope 2000.

-Call the teachers you hate Kabuto and sound ninjas and the teacher you hate the most Orochimaru (in your head or outloud)

-Call your principal the Hokage or the Kazekage or some other random Kage person

-Decide to call your moral code your "nindo" (ninja way).


On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds with head colds off fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On artificial bacon:
Real artificial bacon bits.
(we don't get fake fake bacon. we get real fake bacon.)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one..)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

On a birthday card for a 1 year old:
Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
(There goes 12 months.)

Sign at a railroad station:
Beware: To touch these wires is instant death.
Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.
(Court of zombies...?)

On a bottle of bathtub cleaner
For best results, start with clean bathtub before use.
(D: so I should use a different cleaner first?)


Pick the ones that fit you (italicized and bold= stuff for me)

I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.

I'm FAT so I MUST smuggle chips into my classes.

I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.

I have EMO FRIENDS so I MUST be emo as well.

I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.

I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz.

I'm a BRUNETTE WITH BLOND HIGHLIGHTS so I MUST be a wanna-be.

I'm JAMAICAN, so I MUST smoke weed.

I'm HAITIAN, so I MUST eat cat.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.

I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.

I'm a LESBIAN, so I must have a sex-tape.

I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terriost.

I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.

I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.

I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.

I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals.

I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.

I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.

I'm LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.

I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.

I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.

I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.

I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.

I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convienance store.

I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.

I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore.

I'm a DANCER, so I MUST be stupid and stuck-up.

I wear SKIRTS, so I MUST be a slut.

I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.

I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.

I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.

I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.

I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.

I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals.

I'm ITALIAN, so I MUST have a big dick.

I'm EGYPTIAN, so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.

I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.

I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I DRESS IN UNSUAL WAYS, so I MUST be looking for attention.

I'm INTO THEATER AND ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.

I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be gay.

I have BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.

I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.

I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.

I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and that's how Russians roll.

I'm GERMAN, so I MUST be a Nazi.

I hang out with GAYS, so I MUST be gay too.

I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a big butt.

I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited.

I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13.

I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy.

I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy.

I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction.

I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I MUST be violent.

I'm a FEMALE VIDEO GAMER, so I MUST be ugly...or crazy.

I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.

I'm BI so I MUST think every girl I see is hot.

I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.

I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be a nerd that does homework 24/7.

I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.

I'm MIXED so I MUST be fucked up.

I'm AMERICAN so I MUST be plotting to take over the world.

I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.

I'm in a BAND, so I MUST be a dork.

I'm BLACK so I MUST believe Jesus Wuz A Brotha.

I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect.

I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black.

I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil.

I love SHOPPING, so I MUST be rich.

I hate SHOPPING so I MUST be a freak.

I'm an OG so I MUST be mexican.

I like ROCK MUSIC so I MUST be a druggie.

I play CHESS so I MUST be a nerd.

I have a LOT OF FRIENDS so I MUST be bribing them with sex.

I have a FEW FRIENDS so I MUST be a freak.

If you hate stereotypes and think people should just SHUT UP AND STOP, POST THIS!


FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr/Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying “Damn … we fucked up … but that shit was fun!”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Won't tell anyone else you cry... just laugh about it when you're not down anymore.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Try to half-ass comfort you when you feel down.
REAL FRIENDS: Grab you by the shoulders, shake you, and say "Bitch, snap out of it!"

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your shit so long they forget its yours.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Always keep your stuff they borrowed in perfect condition.
REAL FRIENDS: Lose your shit and tell you, "My bad ... here's a tissue."

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink because they think it's polite.
REAL FRIENDS: Raise an eyebrow and say "Bitch, I'll eat what I want" and are the reason you never have food.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Can write a very embarrassing book about you, with direct quotes from you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Ask if you're alright.
REAL FRIENDS: Run away screaming: "GET OUT OF THE WAY! SHE'S PISSED!!"

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Ask you what you number is.
REAL FRIENDS: Remind you what you number is when you forget.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Have to be reminded not to tell.
REAL FRIENDS: Would willingly go skinny-dipping in a tank of acid before they even consider telling.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you’ve had enough.
REAL FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say “Bitch, drink the rest of that, you know we don’t waste.”

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will offer to pay when you have a drink.
REAL FRIENDS: Will laugh and say "Pay my ass! You'll pay for mine, bitch!"

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Don't let friends drive drunk.
REAL FRIENDS: Don't let friends drive drunk alone.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will apologize when you forget lunch money and say that they don't have any left.
REAL FRIENDS: Will say "Sucks for you" and finally cave after a few hours and then say "You owe me for this, you fatass."

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will smile and say "Don't worry about me" when they forget their lunch money, even if you didn't offer to pay.
REAL FRIENDS: Will say "Bitch, I'm a fatass and I'm starving, now buy me some damn food."

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will automatically tell you you're beautiful when you ask if something makes you look fat.
REAL FRIENDS: Will say "Well no shit, sherlock."

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Would tell you not to get a face-lift because you already look perfect.
REAL FRIENDS: Would say "Face-lift? I don't think a fork-lift would help."

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Tell you your zits aren't noticeable.
REAL FRIENDS: Say "Damn, girl! That thing is HUGE!!"

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Laugh with you.
REAL FRIENDS: Laugh at you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Laugh at all your jokes.
REAL FRIENDS: Tell you your jokes suck.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Congratulate you when you get good grades.
REAL FRIENDS: Say "Jeez, you nerd. If you were in stupid classes like me, we'd see each other more."

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Encourage you not to skip school.
REAL FRIENDS: Photoshop one of their old doctor's notes and use it to spring you from school.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will talk shit to the person who talks shit about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Will knock them the fuck out!

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
REAL FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what's wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
REAL FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will glare at the guy who dumps you and say "Forget him. You're too good for him."
REAL FRIENDS: Kick the guy's ass and threaten to castrate him with a spork if he comes within five miles of you.

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Crush on your older brother whom you absolutely despise.
REAL FRIENDS: Hate you older brother as much as you do and give him the nick-name "Faggot".

FAKE ASS FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost it.


If you can read this message, you are blessed because over two billion people in the world cannot read at all:

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty

uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal

pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a

rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't

mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the

olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer

be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl

mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed

ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas toghuht slpeling

was ipmorantt! tahts so cool!

If you could read that put it in your profile!


Girl: Slow down, I'm scared!

Guy: No, this is fun

Girl: No, it's not. Please, I'm scared.

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I love you, now slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.

She gives him a big hug

Guy: Can you take off my helmet and put it on yourself, it's bothering me.

In the newspaper the next day, a motorcycle had crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it and only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized his break wasn't working but he didn't want the girl to know. Instead he had her hug him and tell him one last time that she loved him. Then he had her put on his helmet so that she could live.

If you would do this for a loved one copy and paste.


Child abuse, MAKE IT STOP!

My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see.

I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?

I wish I were better
I wish I weren't ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.

I can't speak at all
I can't do a wrong
Or else I'm locked up
All the day long

When I awake
I'm all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren't home.

When my mommy does come
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll get just
One whipping tonight

Don't make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie's Bar.

I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.

I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I'm so afraid now
I'm starting to cry.

He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.

He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.

He's already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.

I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.

"I'm sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.

The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!

And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.

My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy,
Murdered me.


Her name was Auroura
She was only five
This is what happened
When she was alive

Her dad was a drunk
Her mom was an addict
Her parents kept her
Locked in an attic

Her only friend
was a little toy bear
It was old and worn out
And had patches of hair

She always talked to it
When no one's around
She lays there and hugs it
Not a peep of sound

Until her parents
unlock the door
Some more and more pain
She'll have to endure

A bruise on her leg
A scar on her face
Why would she be
In such a horrible place?

But she grabs her bear
And softly crys
She loves her parents
But they want her to die

She sits in the corner
Quiet but thinking,
"God, why? Why is
My life always sinking?"

Such a bad life
For a sad little kid
She'd get beaten and beaten
For anything she did

Then one night
Her mom came home high
The poor child was hit and slapped
As hours went by

Then her mom suddenly
Grabbed for a blade
It was sharp and pointy
One that she made

She thrusted the blade
Right in her chest,
"You deserve to die
You worthless pest!"

The mom walked out
Leaving the girl slowly dying
She grabbed her bear
And again started crying

Police showed up
At the small little house
They quickly barged in
Everything was as quiet as a mouse

One officer slowly
Opened a door
To find the sad little girl
Lying on the floor

It must have been bad
To go through so much harm
But at least she died
With her best friend in her arms

If child abuse makes you sick and you think it's horrible and should be stopped, put this poem on your profile.


Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school

He told his friends that it was cool

And when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack
Mummy I was a good girl
I did what I was told
I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day,
I never said goodbye
I'm sorry mummy I had to go,
but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another
And all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much
And please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now
And tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest
Mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class
And never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this
Mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try
I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest
But mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest
Mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would
I wanted to go to college
I wanted to try things that were new
I guess I'm not going with daddy
On that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married
I wanted to have a kid
I wanted to be an actress Mummy
I wanted to live
But mummy I must go now
The time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris
I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date
I love you mummy
I always have
I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you"
In memory of the Columbian students that were lost
Please if you would
Pass this around
I'd be happy if you could
Don't smash this on the ground
If you pass this on
Maybe people will cry
Just keep this in heart
For the people that didn't get to say "goodbye"
Now you have two choices
1) repost and show you care
2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart
(Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)


Natural Highs

1. Falling in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No lines at the supermarket.
5. A special glance.
6. Getting mail.
7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).
12. A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach
16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter.
17. Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
25. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
26. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
27. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).
28. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
29. Playing with a new puppy.
30. Having someone play with your hair.
31. Sweet dreams.
32. Hot chocolate.
33. Road trips with friends.
34. Swinging on swings.
35. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
36. Making chocolate chip cookies.
37. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
38. Holding hands with someone you care about.
39. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change.
40. Watching the _expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
41. Watching the sunrise.
42. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
43. Knowing that somebody misses you.
44. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
45. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.


42 Things to do in an Elevator

1. CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. MEOW occasionally.
6. STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7. SAY -DING at each floor.
8. SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9.MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. STARE, gri nning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16. ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. DROP a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21. SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22. CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
23. MAKE car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. CONGRATULATE all for being in the same lift with you.
25. GRIMACE painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. WALK on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. WHILE the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. LET your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. WALK into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. TAKE shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. ASK people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. ALSO in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. ASK, "Did you feel that?"
34. TELL people that you can see their aura.
35. WHEN the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. ANNOUNCE in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. DRESS up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time...
38. START breathing heavily and grab your chest when someone walks in. Then stumble out gasping for air
39. WHEN someone comes in ask them to press 5 or 6 different floors
40. GET in and don't press any buttons. Wait for the elevator to be called somewhere and repeat 39.
41. IF you are the only one in the elevator, press all of the buttons and stand, staring at the door, waiting for someone to come.
42. LAUGH maniacally whenever anyone looks at you and say you're here for the mental health convention


Things not to do at hogwarts! (yes hp is also cool!)

1. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology.

3. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.

4. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

5. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.

6. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

7. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

8. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless, tacky, and not a clever money-making concept.

9. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

10. Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny.

11. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

12. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.

13. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

14. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight.

15. I am not a tribble Animagus.

16. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

17. I do not weigh the same as a duck no matter what that Muggle movie says.

18. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

19. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

20. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

21. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.

22. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

23. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

24. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say “NI”. (you've gotta have watched the monty python to get it)

25. I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.

26. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”

27. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I it’s founder.

28. I am not allowed to order the kitchen house-elves to spit into all the food to “enhance the flavor”.

29. The proper way to report to my Teacher is “Yes, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

30. I am not allowed to add pictures of teachers I don’t like to Wanted Deatheater posters.

31. There is no house made of candy in the forbiddenForestand it’s wrong to say so to first years.

32. I shall not add “according to the prophecy” at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

33. I am not to ask Aragog how things with the wife are. Especially if his wife is Shelob.

34. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice. Not even if I am a witch.

35. I will not call my wand “an elegant weapon from a more civilized age”.

36. It’s just cruel to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached.

37. The four houses are not the Morons, the Barons, the Smartasses, and the Junior Death Eaters.

38. My headmasters name is Albus Dumbledore, not “Gandalf”.

39. I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

40. Yelling “to infinity and beyond” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

41. I will refrain from calling Harry and Ron “Frodo and Sam” and the Weasley twins “Merry and Pippin”.

42. Telling Draco Malfoy to “Make like a ferret and bounce” is always a bad idea.

43. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

44. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.

45. I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in theForbiddenForest.

46. I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.

47. I will not tickle a sleeping dragon “just to see what happens”.

48. When being questioned by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These aren’t the droids you are looking for”.

49. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter’s Firebolt.

50. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.

51. I will not refer to the Accio Charm as “The Force”.

52. I will stop telling tree-huggers to go visit the Whomping Willow.

53. Loudly repeating “Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort” is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.

54. I must not sing “I’m off to see the wizard” every time I am sent to the headmasters office.

55. I must not throw Hermione’s copy of Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.

56. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my teacup says she’s lying.

57. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is “Petrificus Totalus” and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

58. I will not jump up, yelling “VOLDEMORT, RUN!” in the middle of a Order of thePhoenixor DA meeting.

59. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his “Happy place”.

60. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

61. I must not claim my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos”.

62. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

63. I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

64. However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.

65. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.

66. I will not dress like Neville’s grandmother when going to the Halloween Party in Snape’s class.

67. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

68. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape’s store and add some to the teachers’ morning tea.

69. When asked a question by a teacher I will not point out that the answer is protected by a fidelius charm and I am not the secret-keeper.

70. Do not jump out at Mad-Eye Moody for a joke.

71. The phrase “Good dragon, nice dragon, please don’t kill me,” doesn’t work.

72. I must not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout “To the Batmobile, Robin!”

73. Making a fake journal and leaving it in Ginny’s dormitory is not funny.

74. I must not point at Voldemort and say “I taught him everything he knows.”

75. I will not tell Umbridge “Voldemort says, ‘Hi,’” every time I see her.

76. I should not tell Cho Chang Cedric came to me in a dream and wanted me to tell her something, but I woke up before he did.

77. I must not intentionally mispronounce Cho’s name as “Ho”.

78. I should not tell Umbridge that I have a kitten named “Fluffy” she would like to meet. But I will anyway.

79. I will not pay Professor Flitwick to run around yelling “Help, they’re after me lucky charms!”

80. I must not convince Cedric to wear a red shirt on the last task of the Triwizard Tournament.

81. My name is not “Dark Lord Happy Pants” and I will not sign my papers as such.

82. I will not follow my Potions instructions backwards “just for the heck of it”.

83. I should never ask Harry if his “Scar Senses” are tingling.

84. I must not lock all of the Gryffindor and Slytherin in a room and see which house comes out alive.

85. I will not call the Dark Lord “Tommy-boy”.

86. As Stan Stunpike learned, impersonating a death eater doesn’t “get you chicks”.

87. I will not crush up booger flavored jelly beans and put them in Draco’s pumpkin juice…after this time.

88. I will NOT bleach Lucius Malfoy’s Deatheater robes.

89. I must not fill Umbridge’s room with flies and then tell the headmaster “She was looking a little deprived, flies are what toads eat right?”

90. I must not call Potions “Home-Economics” in front of Professor Snape.

91. Telling Lockheart that there’s something in between his teeth will NOT get you out of DADA.

92. Do not ask Snape how to make a love potion!

93. I will not enchant a scarecrow and suit of armor to skip through the halls singing, “We’re Off to See the Wizard”.

94. I will not hit on Hermione while Ron is in the same room.

95. Ron Weasley does NOT know Kim Possible.

96. I will not say, “What’s the sitch?” into the Order’s two-way mirrors.

97. I will not ask Snape who dumped him and made him so cranky.

98. A hug is not all Snape needs.

99. I will not splash water in Professor McGonagall’s face, expecting her to melt.

100. I am not allowed to set a troll loose because I think it needs some fresh air.

101. I can not call Professor Snape “the Sheriff of Noghtingham”.

102. I will not tell students that can’t see Thestrals that they are about to attack us.

103. Harry’s resemblance to Davy Croccet is purely coincidental.

104. Dropping a bucket of water on Snape’s head was only funny the first time…and the second…and third. But the forth time! No way.

105. I am not to sing “That’s So Raven” when passing Ravenclaws in the corridors.

106. I must not grind with my broomstick. (Tony Hawk style!)

107. I will not tell Hermione that the Hogwarts library has burned in a fire.

108. I must not tell Bellatrix that Voldemort got married.

109. I am not allowed to run my hands through Snape’s hair.

110. I must not tell Umbridge that some centaurs have invited her to a party.

111. I shall not tell Snape, “There is a thing called shampoo in the world.”

112. I must not yell “She-who-must-not-be-named is coming!” every time Umbidge walks down the hall.

113. I shall not say, “I heard that if you hug Voldemort he won’t kill you,” to the first years.

114. Professor McGonagall likes her milk in a glass, not a saucer.

115. Saying, “Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss,” is not the best way to get McGonagalls attention during class.

116. Wolf whistling at Lupin when he walks by is not funny.

117. I must not bewitch the door to Professor Snape’s office so that it will only open if he says, “Business in front; party in the back!”

118. Convincing Peeves to go into suits of armor and say, “I am your father” isn’t funny.

119. Telling Slytherin first years that to enter their common room they must point their wands strait up and say, “Morsmordre” is just plain mean.

120. I will not bewitch Umbridge’s hand to take her special quill and write: “I am a pompous, ugly toad” 10,000 times.

At least, that’s what I’ll tell her.

In fact, make it 100,000!

121. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, “There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you.”

122. Dementors don’t like it when you walk up to them and ask if they are the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-To-Come.

123. When someone pulls Godric Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat, I will not say, “You have acquired the Master Sword.”

124. Saying, “Accio brooms” while first years are having flying lessons isn’t nice.

125. I am not to ask, “Voldemort: boxers or briefs?”

126. I am not allowed to say, “Accio Hermione’s panties!”

127. Mad-Eye Moody’s moto is “constant vigilance” not “custard pudding”.

128. I must not moon Professor Lupin. Even if his nickname is “Moony”.

129. I will not stick Bill Weasley’s hair to the ceiling with a permanent-sticking charm.

130. The resurrection stone is not materia.

131. Voldemort’s nickname is NOT “Filthy Half-Blood”.

132. “Rub-on aphrodisiac” is not one of the twelve uses of dragon’s blood.

133. i will not buy professer snape head n shoulders shampoo for christmas.

134. i will not skip down the hallway singing, "we're off to see the wizard!" whenever i'm sent to the headmasters office.

If you have wasted precious hours of your life reading this random crap that gets you a few giggles well... YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME!


20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And TheFinal WayTo Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: Send This In An E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile!


JOKES!!!

One day a woman caught a magic frog while jogging. The frog gave her three wishes for catching him, but with one catch: everything she wished for, her husband would also get, only he'd get 10 times more than her. First she wished to be the most beautiful woman on earth. "Are you sure? Your husband will be 10 times more beautiful than you," the frog clarified. "Oh yes, I'm sure." ZAP! The woman was instantly beautiful, but she was still only the second most beautiful on earth, her husband being first. "My second wish is that I wish I was the richest person on earth," she told the frog. "You sure? Your husband will have 10 times more money than you." "Oh yes." "Okay, then." ZAP! Trillions and trillions of dollars appeared in a safe in the woman's house. However, her husband was granted with even more money. "What's your third wish?" the frog asked. "I wish for a mild heart attack.

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to the bar!" "No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death." "Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet right in front of the bar. "I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" . So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar. "Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!" "Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to fall screaming to his death on the rocks below. The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink. The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him: "You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been drinking, Superman".


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER


╔══╗
║██║Put this
║(o)║on your page
╚══╝if you like music

It's the 50's, and a black man drinks from a white water fountain. A white man approaches him and says, "Excuse me, that is for whites only. You are colored." The black man then raises his head, and replies, "I was black when I was born. I'm black when I'm cold. I'm black when I'm hot. I'm black when I'm sick, and I'll be black when I die. You sir, are pink when you're born. Blue when you're cold. Red when you're hot. Green when you're sick. And purple when you die. Now who's the colored one?" Whoo-hoo! Go anti-racists!

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50 OR SO AWESOME WAYS TO MAKE YOUR TEACHER WANNA BACKHAND YOU!!!

1. Walk into the classroom like a super spy. (keep your back on the walls as you walk, point your finger up like a gun, look around with shifty eyes, hum the mission impossible theme, etc.)

2. After everything your teacher says, ask why continuously.

3. If your teacher is yelling at a classmate, wait for them to finish their tantrum then ask” DOES SOMEBODY NEED A HUG??” very loudly.

4. If your teacher starts blowing up at you for saying that, simply reply, “wow I can tell you’re a blast at parties”

5. Sit in a corner and wait for everyone to stare at you. When they do, grab your head and scream “ THE LIGHT! MAKE IT STOP! ARGH IT BURNS!!”

6. Flick pieces of paper around the class.

7. When your teacher tells you to stop, cross your arms and say, “Your racist against paper aren’t you.”

8. Don’t do your Homework.

9. When your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework say “I dropped it while beating up this guy for saying you’re the worst teacher ever.” then sit there and smile sweetly.

10. When you have a substitute teacher, wait for them to write their name on the board. Then when they say hello my name is Mr./Mrs (insert name here), you stand up and say “PROVE IT!”

11. When your teacher asks why you were late say, “My goldfish died.” Then burst into tears.

12. When handing in your homework, write "This paper will self-destruct in 5 seconds." at the bottom.

13. When you leave the class bow and say, “May the force be with you, young one.”

14. When the teacher turns the light off, start singing opera as loud as you can. When they turn the light back on, look around pretending to be confused.

15. Whisper to the person next to you. When the teacher comes up behind you, scream “OMG GET AWAY! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!!”

16. Walk into class dancing the Macarena

17. Tell your teacher you heard the other teachers talking about him/her in the staff room

18. Raise your hand and say "I totally agree!" after everything your teacher says

19. Spend the whole lesson trying to lick your elbow

20. Speak in French.

21. Come late to class in a Spider-Man costume; say there was "a disturbance”

22. When they tell someone to turn around have everyone in class do it as well

23. "The homework’s due now? Oh, give me a minute then."

24. Hand in an essay where every word is misspelt.

25. Run in the room screaming, “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”

26. When the teacher asks you why you are late, say, “The queen is never late, everyone else is simply early."

27. When a teacher asks you a question, say, “I’m sorry, the brain you tried to reach has been disconnected, please leave me alone or try again later, thank you.”

28. When the teacher turns on the overhead projector, scream “AAH MY EYES!!”

29. Tell yourself knock-knock jokes, then laugh loads.

30. Hide under your desk and yell “THE SKY IS FALLING!”

31. When someone knocks on the door, shout “OH NO, THEY’RE COMING FOR ME!”

32. Bring in a 4th Grader and says he’s your new pet.

33. In your technology lesson, when the teacher asks you what you are making, say a nuclear bomb.

34. When your teacher asks you a question, just stare at them.

35. Constantly talk to yourself in a low voice.

36. Purposely fall off your chair and make a big scene about it.

37. If you’re playing a really boring game, make a big deal if you win.

38. Glue all their scissors together.

39. Make paperclip jewelery. I.e. necklaces, earrings, etc…

40. Pull out one strand of someone’s hair and yell “DNA!”

41. Wear a sticker or a badge that says ‘I am retarded’

42. Talk to a pen.

43. Put your hand up in a test and wait for your teacher to come over. When they whisper what’s wrong, yell “NO I WON’T MAKE OUT WITH YOU AFTER CLASS!”

44. Yell “LIAR!” to everything they say.

45. Smile. All the time.

46. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, IT’S SPREADING!”

47. When a substitute teacher is taking attendance, say everyone is missing. Then, if they ask who you are, say ‘Your worst Nightmare’

48. When you know the answer, bounce up and down and go "OOOHH I KNOW THIS!!"

49. When a teacher calls on you say, "I forgot." To every question she asks.

50. If you have to blow your nose in class, blow your nose to the tune of your favorite song.

ADDITIONALS

51. When the teacher is not facing you, get the whole class to move their desks forward towards the him/her!

52. Hum throughout the lesson, but make sure you do not get caught!

53. When a teacher asks you a question... Reply "ERM, COMPUTER SAYS NOOO!!"

54. When the teacher makes a statement, stand boldly and shout "I OBJECT!!"

55. REPEAT the last word the teacher says but say it much louder!

56. While the teachers back is turned, everyone swaps seats!

57. If you are sure you haven't passed the test, write your phone number at the end with a heart!

58. When you hear a Police car siren from outside, run around screaming in the classroom shouting "Oh no, they're here. They must have found the body! HELP!"

59. When it's your turn to answer a question... Shout "NEXT!"

60. If you find a pencil on the floor, jump onto a desk, hold up the pencil, and yell, "LITTERING IS WRONG!! WHOEVER DROPPED THIS MUST BE PUNISHED!!" Then run around the room singing in a foreign language.


100 Things to do if bored during class

1. Devise a secret code with your friends then hand in the homework in that code
2. Continually ask questions so that the professor can’t give homework
3. Answer the teacher’s questions in slow motion
4. Answer questions only with one word
5. Scream random words without anybody noticing it’s you
6. Continuously yawn until everyone is yawning
7. Ask your professor personal questions
8. Every time the professor finishes talking clap
9. Eat paper
10. Talk very fast
11. Call the professor “Mom” or “Dad”
12. Count your hair
13. Talk with an accent
14. Answer questions in a different language
15. Fake spasms
16. Pretend to have a vision like in That's So Raven.
17. Draw cartoon characters of your classmates or of the professors
18. Quote Terminator
19. Write out plans on how to conquer the world
20. Pretend to Choke
21. Pretend to be drunk
22. Tap your feet on the ground loudly
23. Raise your hand for every question your teacher asks you but answer “Oh, I forgot”
24. Pretend to slip
25. Wink at the teacher
26. Wink at random people
27. Keep nodding at the teacher
28. Smile the whole lesson
29. When the teacher enters the room give a low bow
30. Pretend to sleep and snore loudly
31. Take off your shoes and socks
32. Ask your teacher where the potions room is
33. Ask the teacher where he/she is
34. Fake Fart Sounds
35. Ask the teacher for his/her phone number
36. Spill your pencil case/box on the floor
37. Pretend to be sick
38. Pretend to have photographic memory
39. Fake flashbacks
40. Tell people “I’m Pregnant”
41. Ask out the teacher
42. Sit on the teacher's seat and when he enters the room say "This is my seat"
43. Ask your teacher if he/she is a vampire
44. Sing your favourite song
45. Twitter the whole lesson
46. Pretend to be Indian
47. Write a love note to the teacher
48. Talk to yourself
49. Snort Eraser dust
50. When the teacher enters the room Scream “next”
51. When the Teacher enters the room ask for a refund
52. On your assignments write very small or extremely big
53. Act like a nerd
54. Pull a “Michael Jackson” and paint yourself white
55. Put some red ink on a ruler, then slash your wrists with it so people think you cut yourself
56. Talk in slang
57. Get into a fight with yourself
58. Pretend you are a gangster
59. Pretend you are high
60. Bring a bag of flour to school and on your desk make lines of flour and attempt to snort them
61. Once the teacher enters the room get the whole class to sing the national anthem
62. Act high
63. Stare at one object in the classroom for one lesson
64. Rate the teacher
65. Ask your teacher what 'chakra' is.
66. Touch a Plug and pretend to get electrocuted
67. When the teacher is counting (Math), recite random numbers.
68. Talk the same time as the teacher does, just as he/she says it.
69. Make odd animal noises
70. When the teacher enters the room scream "AGHHH!!"
71. Write down everything the teacher says while repeating what they say
72. Laugh Stupidly for no reason
73. Act as if you were blind
74. Sit on the floor and beg for money
75. Put Porn/Horror books on the teacher's table.
76. Lick your stationary seductively while staring at a person
77. Begin Cussing at your self
78. Talk in gangster rap
79. Challenge your teacher to a rap battle
80. Pretend to chew gum
81. Point out the window and say “LOOK EVERYBODY SPIDERMAN” once every one looks say “oh too late he’s gone now”
82. Write a love note and leave it on the chair when you change period
83. Play air guitar
84. Ask the teacher what's happening in an anime (Naruto, Bleach, One Piece, Vampire Knight, etc.)
85. Say random facts about people
86. Go up to someone you have never talked to before then tell them “I have this problem for years now I can’t take it anymore”
87. Narrate your life
88. Beat box
89. Whistle at random things
90. Count random things
91. Pass notes to people you have no interest in
92. Ask personal details about people you would never have talked to
93. Play your favorite song in your head
94. Think of what the teacher’s life was like
95. Rhyme the last words of everybody’s sentences
96. Do stuff in slow mo, such as entering the room, sitting in your chair, finding stuff in your bag, answering the teacher, etc.
97. Search in your bag/binder for things you don’t have
98. Attempt to Find Nemo
99. Use photoshop and put your teacher's head on some random animal's body (Elephant, Hippopotamus, Spider, etc.), print out the picture, then leave the picture at your teacher's desk before he/she come into the room.
100. Ask the teacher personal questions


If you have ever run into a mirror, copy this into your profile. (Surprising how many times I accomplish that one...)

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.

If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.

Even when you can’t see him GOD is there! If you believe in GOD put this in your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy this and put it in your profile.

If there are times when you wanna annoy people, just for the heck of it, copy and paste this to your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

92 percent of American teens would die if Abecrombie and Finch told them it was uncool to breath. Copy this into your profile if you would be in the 8 percent laughing their asses off at the others.

If your profile is longer than the chapters of most of your stories copy and paste this to your profile.

30 of kids go to college. The other 70 either drop out or don't have the proper skills to. If you are one of the 30 that KNOW that you're going to college put this on your profile and add your name to the list. EcoliandDahChihuahua, Gaara's-pandachan101, Evilfangirl, Feareth the Kitty, Monko25, leafninja345435, Frozen Fyre, AkatsukiFan, DeiDei-kunsgirl, ShdwBlood.

If you hear voices in your head, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you KNOW the voice in your head is real, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have WAY too much time on your hands and your on fanfiction.net with that time, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you think that those stupid kids should just give the God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.

If you believe PREPS TRAVEL IN PACKS, copy this to your profile.

DeiSaku must become the next big thing! If you like this pairing, copy this onto your profile pweeze :3

If you think Deidara's smexy, copy this to your profile.

Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favorite song plays. Crazy is when you do or say a totally random thing, like "do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or start having a thumbwar with yourself (I find that I am a very tough opponent). So if you're crazy, copy this onto your profile.

If you have ever spelled your name wrong paste this into your profile.

If you have ever ran into a sliding glass door paste this into your profile.

If your family wonders how you can remember the names of Naruto characters, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that Tenten is awesome and deserves more screentime, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you want to slap Naruto for not noticing Hinata, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you want to slap Sasuke for leaving Sakura, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you want to slap Kabuto for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that says Pull or vice versa, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for no reason, copy and paste this into your profile.

1.)You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.

2.)You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3.)The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is that they don't have a screen name or myspace.

4.)You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the button on the TV.

6.)Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.

7.) You read this list, & keep nodding and smiling.

8.) As you read this list, you think about sending it to all your friends.

9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.

10.)You actually scrolled back up to check that there was a number 5.

11.) & now you're laughing at your stupidity.

12.)Put this in your profile if you fell for it. And you know you did.

Is it just me or is Gaara really hot? If you think he is copy this and put it into your profile and add your name to the list. UNITE GAARA LOVERS!! GaaraandAikoforever, LoveShinobi4eva, Silver Element,BlueSkyHeIs, aven, Ketsueki Senshoku, Gaara's Pyro RACCOON, Gaarasminestayaway, .Faking.This.Smile, Lilly, Jay Jay, StormofSilver, inspired122, Kasumi18, Rawr I'm Gonna Eat You, Missyserena214, GaaraIno4ever, sasukerules.org,animeprincess619, Whats2Live4, Shad-Amy, RoseHathaway, bellacullen3, PeinSaku, ShdwBlood

THE WE HATE KARIN CLUB:If you hate Karin from NARUTO, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list: Pink Crescent Moon, Miyako-hime, XSakuraHarunoX, I'm in love with a Uchiha23, Angel Of Cherry Blossoms, Cherrilatina, CherryBlossoms016, Rayray, Sakura the lover, Sasusakufan2357, Lina Mistress of Elements, xnarutoxrocksx,uchihasakurah26, Nokas-Kokas, NorthernLights25, KunoichruleALL, Kawaiiblossom94, dera-chan,Mai-'-Kawaii-'-Ai,Ebil Chameleon you.broke.a.promise, XweaponsXmistressX, Sakura-Sasuke-love-em' , SASUXSAKUFREAK, PinkBlossem, Shadow Princess, CherryBlossoms, Hinatakura, Sakuranata, uchihasakura285, Could-careless, NejiSakuFan, xXHyuugaSakuraXx, RoseHathaway, Shad-Amy, bellacullen3, PeinSaku, ShdwBlood

THE WE LOVE SASUKE-BASHING CLUB: If you hate Sasuke from NARUTO and love making him suffer, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list: Kinomi-chan, EstherAngelofDeath, GaaSakuforever, Flyflew, XxMadara's-Little-StalkerxX, xXFallenSakuraXx, RoseHathaway, Shad-Amy, bellacullen3, PeinSaku, ShdwBlood

THE WE LOVE SAKURA CLUB: IF YOU LOVE SAKURA FROM NARUTO, COPY AND PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE AND ADD YOUR NAME TO THE LIST: XxMadara's-Little-StalkerxX, xXFallenSakuraXx, RoseHathaway, Shad-Amy, bellacullen3, PeinSaku, ShdwBlood

If you've been on the computer for hours on end, reading numerous fanfictions, copy this onto your profile, and add your name to this list: Danyan, Avatarwolf, Shifter-youkai, AkatsukiFan, WhiteWinged Alchemist, DeiDei-kunsgirl, Foxfeather1337,Sadistic-Bitch, RoseHathaway, Shad-Amy, bellacullen3, PeinSaku, ShdwBlood

If you have ever stared at a computer screen for hours and hours reading stories that people who have no lives whats so ever and have enough obsession with something to write a story about it and you are one of those people, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list: Shifter-youkai, AkatsukiFan, WhiteWinged Alchemist, DeiDei-kunsgirl,Foxfeather1337,Saditic-Bitch, RoseHathaway, Shad-Amy, bellacullen3, PeinSaku, ShdwBlood

WE LOVE SAKURA CLUB: IF YOU LOVE SAKURA FROM NARUTO, COPY AND PASTE THIS INTO YOUR PROFILE AND ADD YOUR NAME TO THE LIST: XxMadara's-Little-StalkerxX, Kashira358, bloodroseinthetwilight, CherryBlossomSavior, animefan831, candyluver, Naruto-fan-Okami-chan, ShdwBlood

"Let me tell you something...

Just because I'm nice don't mean I have to be...

Just because I smile doesn't mean you're off my list...

Just because I may not be a bitch doesn't mean I can't show you one...

And just because love is a four letter word, doesn't keep me from kicking your ass...

So back the hell up and leave me alone."

Post this in your profile if your tired of being treated like shit...

if you are one of those people who feel bad when you eat meat but like it too much to stop eating it copy this into your profile

if you are random copy this into your profile

if you are a tomboy copy this into your profile (so we can get rid of the evil girly girls!! DIE GIRLY GIRLS DIE!!)

if you are a naruto fan and you HATE Sasuke and Ino im begging you to copy this into your profile

~R.I.P Uchiha Itachi~

You will always live within our hearts.

Copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list if Itachi's death affected you greatly.

Show the world how much you care.

98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you've ever sung a song you hated so much, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever laughed so hard you either choked, hyperventilated, had your sides cramp, or all of the above copy and paste this on your profile

If you have ever dreamed about being an Anime Character, copy and paste this into your profile

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.

~~If you think Akatsuki rule, put this on your profile!!~~

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile.

I solemnly swear that anyone who flames my stories will get a flame back. FIGHT FIRE WITH FIRE! BEAT OUT THE FLAMES! If you agree (or hate flamers) put this in your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you agree, copy/paste this into your profile.

If you have ever said that an anime character is hot and you love them and you mean it, copy and paste this into your profile

98 percent of the population would die if Johnny Depp said it wasn't cool to breathe. Copy this onto your profile if you would be one of the 2 percent that is laughing your butt off.

If you know a video game/book/movie/anime/manga character or weapon that need(s) to exist, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have EVER yelled at a TV after getting frustrated at someone who can't hear you, put this on your profile.

If you have ever considered going to the dark side since they have cookies, copy this onto your profile.

If you are starting to like darkness more then light, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you want Jack Sparrow for President, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever wanted to give a movie or show character a flyingtacklehug, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think High School Musical sucks...and you hate it to no end and is an insult to the classic Disney movies and musicals...then copy and paste this now!!

Anime is the greatest thing since sliced bread! Agree, then put it in your profile!

If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.

If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile

If you have ever burst out laughing in a quiet room for no reason copy this into your profile

If with no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, copy this into your profile.

Insanity is defined as doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. If you're insane, copy this onto your profile.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favorite song plays. Crazy is when you do or say a totally random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or start having a thumbwar with yourself . So if you're crazy, copy this onto your profile.

Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune.

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, put this in your profile.

If you actually take the time to read other people's profiles, put this in yours.

If you like singing songs at random points in the day, copy this into your profile.

If you hear voices of the characters in your head...copy and paste this on your profile.

I'm the kind of person who walks into a door and apologizes.

Did you know the average American only reads 3 books a year? If you don't believe that it's even possible to read that little, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you believe that preps travel in packs then place this on your profile.

If you think that those stupid kids should just give that God-forsaken Trix rabbit some Trix, copy this into your profile.

If your friends are WEIRD (But not as weird as you) put this on your profile.

If you think that life without computers is useless then copy this to your profile

If you've ever walked into a doorway that you could have clearly dodged, you just weren't paying close enough attention, copy and paste this on your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile

If you're easily confused or confuzzled add this to you're profile

If you want to learn Japanese, copy/paste this into your profile

If you have ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy and paste this in your profile.

If there are times when you just wanna annoy people for the heck of it then copy this into ya profile.

If you are obsessed with fanfiction copy this into your profile.

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever lost someone you loved, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile

If you have ever tried to make plans for world domination, copy and paste here.

If you are obsessed with something considered childish for someone your age, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever sat in a class and poked the person in front of you just for fun, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever slapped yourself and/or banged your head on a table for no reason copy and paste this onto your profile

If you think being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this into your profile.

If you want to touch Hyuuga Neji's hair, paste this in your profile!

If you've been on the computer for hours on end reading multiple fanfictions copy and paste this on your profile

If you like being utterly random copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have ever been hit by a parked car copy and paste this into your profile.

If your right mind has ever had a fight with ur left mind copy it into your profile.

If you listen to and talk back to the voices in your head and find nothing wrong with it because you know they're there, put this in your profile.

If you've ever driven your friends/family insane with your constant anime blathering, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you believe all your favorite anime characters are indeed alive in their own dimension, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're against animal cruelty (horse slaughter, bear bating, dolphin hunting, chimp slavery etc.) then copy this into your profile!

If you avoid teen fads and don't live your life according to others copy and paste this.

If you've ever threatened a computer or video game console, copy and paste this into your profile.

Post this on your profile if you have ever had a major fan girl moment.

If Fanfiction to you is what Facebook is to other people, copy this into your profile.

If you actually take the time to read copy and pastes, copy this onto your profile.

If you should be doing homework right now, copy this into your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.

If you are aware that so many people nowadays pretend to be someone they're not, copy this on your profile.

If you think Writer's Block is evil, put this in your profile.

If you have ever had a crush on a movie character, copy this to your profile.

If you like smiley faces, then copy this into your profile:D

If you are a total clutz copy this into your profile.

If you hate those irritating mosquitoes giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile

If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.

If you read people's profiles looking for things to copy and paste into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever run into a door, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile.

If you've ever wanted to say "fuck you" to any sort of authority, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you find internet ads annoying, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you love men with long hair, copy and paste this onto your profile.

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then she saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Mom." With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Mom: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new boyfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Ahmed and he is so nice-even with all his piercings, tattoos, beard, and his motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion Mom, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy. He already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. He wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too. Ahmed taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with his friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better; he sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mom, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grand children.

Your daughter, Judith

PS: Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Copy and paste this in your profile if you think that some times we take things for granted

At age 8, your dad buys you an ice cream. You thanked him by dripping it all over his lap.

When you were 9 years old, he paid for piano lessons. You thanked him by never even bothering to practice.

When you were 10 years old he drove you all day, from soccer to football to one birthday party after another. You thanked him by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

When you were 11 years old, he took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked him by asking to sit in a different row.

When you were 12 years old, he warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked him by waiting until he left the house.

When you were 13, he suggested a haircut that was in fashion. You thanked him by telling him he had no taste.

When you were 14, he paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked him by forgetting to write a single letter.

When you were 15, he came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked him by having your bedroom door locked.

When you were 16, he taught you how to drive his car. You thanked him by taking it every chance you could.

When you were 17, he was expecting an important call. You thanked him by being on the phone all night.

When you were 18, he cried at your high school graduation. You thanked him by staying out partying until dawn.

When you were 19, he paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus carried your bags. You thanked him by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of your friends.

When you were 25, he helped to pay for your wedding, and he told you how deeply he loved you. You thanked him by moving halfway across the country.

When you were 50, he fell ill and needed you to take care of him. You thanked him by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

And then, one day, he quietly died. And everything you never did came crashing down like thunder on YOUR HEART.

If you love your dad, post this on your profile

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Willing by DebsTheSlytherinSnapefan reviews
DomSeverus/SubHarry. Harry's been missing since he was 9 years old the wizarding world have been looking him for seven years to no avail. He's Seventeen when they find him, but they were in for a shock if they thought he'd do what they wanted. Turns out Harry has known Severus for years, he's a metamorphamagus. Dumbledore's manipulations are found out, the world is in for a shock.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 90 - Words: 379,643 - Reviews: 6257 - Favs: 2,340 - Follows: 2,879 - Updated: 7/25 - Published: 7/19/2013 - Harry P., Severus S.
The Beguile and Devotion of a Black Heir by StarLight Massacre reviews
A chance meeting for Harry sets him on a path he wasn't meant to travel. With his eyes opened and struggling to control the furious anger after finding all of the lies and hidden agendas, a sudden adoption and unlikely allies work to split him from Dumbledore. With two Lordships and a betrothal, how will the world react to Lord Potter-Black when he refuses to fight in their war?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 9 - Words: 136,724 - Reviews: 1334 - Favs: 3,012 - Follows: 3,703 - Updated: 7/16 - Published: 9/23/2014 - [Harry P., Rabastan L.] Lucius M.
Riddle And The Ancient Contract by HERMIT532 reviews
What if it wasn't anything the current Potters had done that saved little Harika Potter as an infant? What if the child prodigy Thomas Riddle had tweaked the horcrux spell before creating them? And what happens when they discover that nothing is exactly what it seems? FemHarry, DumbledoreBashing EXPLICIT SEX/ MENTION OF RAPE. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 47 - Words: 214,422 - Reviews: 1850 - Favs: 2,871 - Follows: 3,316 - Updated: 7/16 - Published: 11/29/2013 - Harry P., Sirius B., Severus S., Tom R. Jr.
On a Pale Horse by Hyliian reviews
AU. When Dumbledore tried to summon a hero from another world to deal with their Dark Lord problem, this probably wasn't what he had in mind. MoD!Harry, Godlike!Harry, Unhinged!Harry. Dumbledore bashing.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 23 - Words: 61,415 - Reviews: 2801 - Favs: 5,924 - Follows: 6,990 - Updated: 7/5 - Published: 9/11/2014 - Harry P.
Invisible by DebsTheSlytherinSnapefan reviews
Harry has a twin, and everyone thinks it was Nick who survived. What will happen when Harry is pushed aside? Will he fight for a world that didn't want or care about him? Will Dumbledore or the Potter's grovel at his feet? What happens when the world finds out he was the one to survive that fateful Halloween night? Fourth year summer fling HP/VK! Primarily Snarry SS/HP!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 101 - Words: 555,287 - Reviews: 9801 - Favs: 4,778 - Follows: 5,689 - Updated: 7/2 - Published: 9/12/2007 - Harry P., Severus S.
An Indispensable Assistant by TayMor reviews
Professional. Intelligent. Intuitive. Haruno Sakura is the assistant every boss wants. She is smart, she is capable, and she is experienced. Operating with her own hard and fast rules, Sakura has one, very important personal rule. Never fall in love with your boss. However, being indispensable to Uchiha Itachi will put that rule under heavy duress. AU.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 13 - Words: 129,049 - Reviews: 636 - Favs: 859 - Follows: 1,047 - Updated: 6/27 - Published: 7/2/2013 - Sakura H., Itachi U., Kisame H.
Forte by rls58 reviews
Useless, weak, failure... but not anymore. I won't look at their backs any more, I refuse. I will get help in any way necessary to become stronger, to be of use to my boys, to my country. Everybody is in for a shock. Non-mass. Criticism welcomed.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 55 - Words: 155,554 - Reviews: 1085 - Favs: 823 - Follows: 1,064 - Updated: 6/8 - Published: 6/21/2013 - Sakura H., Itachi U.
The Rise of the Drackens by StarLight Massacre reviews
Harry comes into a very unexpected inheritance. He is a creature both rare and beautiful and now he must avoid detection at all costs, whilst choosing his life partners and dealing with impending pregnancy at sixteen. What's a boy to do?
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 100 - Words: 962,620 - Reviews: 12700 - Favs: 4,213 - Follows: 4,088 - Updated: 6/3 - Published: 4/14/2012 - [Harry P., Draco M., Blaise Z., OC]
Gregory Malfoy by slayer of destiny reviews
After the events of the Last Battle Harry makes a visit to Malfoy Manor only to meet the extended members of the Malfoy family, including Lucius's brother Gregory. Harry/OMC
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 85,859 - Reviews: 1253 - Favs: 2,510 - Follows: 2,874 - Updated: 5/31 - Published: 10/28/2011 - Harry P., OC
Shaping the Future by CharmedArtist reviews
In a darker future, the Order pitches one last battle at Hogwarts. Defeated, Harry Potter is defenseless against Voldemort's death blow... that somehow throws him into the past. (Snarry slash and evil!Dumbledore. You have been warned!)
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 97 - Words: 184,409 - Reviews: 935 - Favs: 777 - Follows: 913 - Updated: 5/28 - Published: 6/28/2014 - [Harry P., Severus S.] Voldemort, Albus D. - Complete
Newton's Third Law by Barrel of Monkeys reviews
How would the Naruto and Harry Potter worlds change if Harry was raised the traditional Hatake way?
Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 48 - Words: 218,098 - Reviews: 3506 - Favs: 2,575 - Follows: 2,806 - Updated: 5/25 - Published: 10/26/2010 - Harry P., Kakashi H.
Wicked Serendipity by FrankieSpitfire reviews
Harry Potter is done with the Order and the war, he just wants to stay neutral and possibly not die a horrible death. It's hard to stay unaffected when the Dark Side starts to look awfully tempting. Starting a whole new crazy journey, the Boy Who Lived decides to take his chances with Voldemort and consequently drags his friends along for the ride.HP/LV slash, more warnings inside.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 215,006 - Reviews: 462 - Favs: 1,458 - Follows: 2,018 - Updated: 5/19 - Published: 2/15/2014 - [Harry P., Voldemort]
The Black Bunny by Windseeker2305 reviews
Harry's had it with his destined role after the Order does something he can't forgive. Now he's done with both sides of the war and wants to be left alone. But since when have his wishes ever counted for anything? LV/HP Slash & MPREG.More warnings inside.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 32 - Words: 464,660 - Reviews: 4138 - Favs: 6,010 - Follows: 6,134 - Updated: 5/7 - Published: 10/10/2009 - Voldemort, Harry P.
Bleeding Hearts by JasmineDragon22 reviews
Sixteen years ago Sakura's life changed in a way she never could have foreseen. Abandoned by her village and the people she loves and trusts, she is now a mercenary taking jobs for cash. What she didn't expect was Konoha paying her for a mission where she would have to confront her past. But what scared her more was the village's response to her "illegitimate" son. AU, Non-mass
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 11 - Words: 100,672 - Reviews: 444 - Favs: 357 - Follows: 488 - Updated: 4/20 - Published: 5/30/2014 - Sakura H., Itachi U.
Core Threads by theaceoffire reviews
A young boy in a dark cupboard is in great pain. An unusual power will allow him to heal himself, help others, and grow strong in a world of magic. Eventual God-like Harry, Unsure of eventual pairings. Alternate Universe, possible universe/dimension traveling in the future. Updated on weekends.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 64 - Words: 267,060 - Reviews: 3353 - Favs: 5,003 - Follows: 5,510 - Updated: 3/8 - Published: 2/22/2014 - Harry P.
Between Worlds: The Madness of One by lisa.ryanz1oh1 reviews
AU Harry! Dark! Powerful! Power! He still has his humanity but someone will have to recognize it to make him believe he's still capable of being good. Harry has creature forms and abilities. Watch out when the Magic and Muggle worlds collide. Story will be General. No Slash!
Crossover - Harry Potter & Avengers - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 34 - Words: 116,427 - Reviews: 420 - Favs: 962 - Follows: 1,204 - Updated: 3/3 - Published: 4/6/2013 - Harry P., Black Widow/Natasha R., Iron Man/Tony S.
Corvus by LadyFreak reviews
Twins are attacked by Voldemort the night he vanishes. One is named the BWL. What happens to the other twin? After finding their son talking to snakes, the Potters decide that he is dark and evil and give him to Dumbledore. What happens to the abandoned twin? Who takes the boy in when it seems like no one cares? AU, Rating for later chapters, Wrong BWL, adoption,Yr2 Comp 7/26/13
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Angst/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 49 - Words: 156,645 - Reviews: 1753 - Favs: 2,490 - Follows: 3,044 - Updated: 2/8 - Published: 8/8/2012 - Harry P.
Fate be Changed by Araceil reviews
Reborn as a Hobbit, Willowyn Proudfoot isn't about to let a doughy potato like Bilbo Baggins get himself killed on Gandalf's hairbrained idea of an adventure. She's taking his place. For better or worse. (fem!Hobbit!Harry, major canon!divergence)
Crossover - Harry Potter & Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 30 - Words: 141,977 - Reviews: 2880 - Favs: 3,589 - Follows: 3,903 - Updated: 2/1 - Published: 6/21/2014 - Harry P., Thorin, Bilbo B.
Champion's Lullaby by SweetCaroline91 reviews
AU Things weren't going as Kurt expected, Dalton wasn't Wonderland and Blaine was painfully oblivious. Then Harry swooped in, claimed the prince charming role without auditioning and led him down the rabbit hole... Kurt blamed the accent. Full summary inside. Will be KurtxHarryxBlaine threesome.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Glee - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 28 - Words: 252,146 - Reviews: 1826 - Favs: 1,289 - Follows: 1,595 - Updated: 1/23 - Published: 5/18/2012 - Harry P., Kurt H., Blaine A.
Tell them I was still alive when you saw me by TheRoseandtheDagger reviews
For the sake of her life, she had to forget... everything. Now, her birthright calls and all the pitfalls it entails. With the enemy that destroyed her family knocking on the gates, will Sakura prevail? Extremely Mature scenes and situations Warning
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 70 - Words: 235,558 - Reviews: 1031 - Favs: 398 - Follows: 349 - Updated: 12/28/2014 - Published: 9/28/2009 - Sakura H., Hidan
When Daylight Dies by BloodyRose90 reviews
AU: What if Harry Potter had a twin? Scrap that... What if Harry went dark? What would any of this mean for the Wizarding World? A re-telling of Harry Potter's life. Dark!Harry. Child-abuse. HP/DM Slash.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 33 - Words: 217,742 - Reviews: 431 - Favs: 969 - Follows: 1,276 - Updated: 12/26/2014 - Published: 12/19/2011 - Harry P., Draco M.
Potions and Unforeseen Urges by DMHP2014 reviews
It's 8th year at Hogwarts. Voldemort is dead. Harry and Draco get partnered together to do a 6 week potion assignment but on the first night something they never imagined ends up happening, it's both good and very bad. Will they survive it? - Dumbledore & Snape alive - MATURE ADULT CONTENT! STORY COMPLETE! - Currently being translated into Chinese, see my profile for more info!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 25 - Words: 110,687 - Reviews: 280 - Favs: 477 - Follows: 440 - Updated: 12/10/2014 - Published: 1/22/2014 - Harry P., Draco M. - Complete
The Guardian Of Life by MissYuki1990 reviews
After centuries of being alone, of yearning for a place he could call home, of loving and losing over and over again, he had given up and decided to spend the rest of eternity alone. But nothing had ever gone according to plan with him, so why should it work now? SLASH, MPREG, RATED M FOR A VERY GOOD REASON
Crossover - Harry Potter & Lord of the Rings - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 23 - Words: 113,983 - Reviews: 131 - Favs: 590 - Follows: 260 - Updated: 12/3/2014 - Published: 11/26/2014 - [Haldir, Harry P.] - Complete
Stand Against the Moon by Batsutousai reviews
Cursed against his will, Harry made the best of his life until he found himself, again, wandering in Death's realm. When Death offers him a second chance, a chance to right the wrongs he'd been blind to for too long, he can't possibly refuse.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 13 - Words: 91,090 - Reviews: 632 - Favs: 1,890 - Follows: 1,386 - Updated: 11/4/2014 - Published: 9/29/2014 - [Harry P., Voldemort] Sirius B., Remus L. - Complete
When Time Stops by Beth9891 reviews
After an incident at the Dursleys leaves Harry no where to go, an ancient and powerful being finds him. How this affects the wizarding world and supernatural world can only be guessed. Slash. Harry/? sorry crappy summary, give it a try before dismissing!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 42 - Words: 106,768 - Reviews: 287 - Favs: 519 - Follows: 443 - Updated: 10/17/2014 - Published: 5/23/2014 - Harry P., Draco M., OC - Complete
Be My Secretary? by ShelbySabaku reviews
Sakura couldn't believe this was happening. Having the seven billionaires fighting over you to be their personal secretary, And having other billionaires fighting for you too? Sakura hated this even more than her secretary job. Sequel to PHS
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 48,265 - Reviews: 764 - Favs: 724 - Follows: 699 - Updated: 9/25/2014 - Published: 8/23/2009 - Sakura H.
To Save a Hobbit by randomplotbunny reviews
Bilbo is ill and so decides to accompany the Dwarves on their adventure instead of wasting away in the Shire. But is there hope for our dear Hobbit at the end of his journey? Eventual Smaugbo, with a light dash of Bagginshield thrown in.
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 34,742 - Reviews: 297 - Favs: 739 - Follows: 536 - Updated: 8/21/2014 - Published: 1/19/2014 - [Bilbo B., Smaug] Thorin - Complete
Dark Repercussions by Jessiikaa15 reviews
Revised! Harry has found out that the light has been keeping many of secrets from him that push him over the edge. He returns to Hogwarts after the death of his godfather seemingly unaware of the light's manipulations, but in the shadows the notorious assassin Sang Lys has arose. Dark!Evil!Harry. Major OOC! Light!Bashing
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Suspense - Chapters: 21 - Words: 171,921 - Reviews: 588 - Favs: 1,422 - Follows: 707 - Updated: 8/5/2014 - Published: 7/12/2012 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Fire Keeper by slytherincailin reviews
COMPLETE. A strange occurance during the Triwizard Tournament, a sudden fixation with a shy Slytherin, all things which Harry Potter knows are having on impact on his life. But how? And why? Creature!fic Slash Mpreg Original Characters Harry/multi *Original creature thought up by Salus Gem
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 26 - Words: 54,190 - Reviews: 294 - Favs: 734 - Follows: 639 - Updated: 7/29/2014 - Published: 12/13/2012 - Harry P., Theodore N. - Complete
Firefly by Araceil reviews
FINISHED. When they went to sleep, they hoped of a better future. But with Gaia insane and Magic as dead as his friends, Harry has no reason to stay. Escape and exist was all he had in mind when he stowed away on a ship to Pandora. Not another war. Slash.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Avatar - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 80,475 - Reviews: 2441 - Favs: 4,312 - Follows: 3,538 - Updated: 7/12/2014 - Published: 8/29/2010 - Harry P., Tsu'tey - Complete
Family Bonds by xXDesertRoseXx reviews
When, after that fateful Halloween night, the wrong Potter twin is hailed the Boy Who Lived, how will Harry's life turn out? With a power he knows not, an ancient prophecy and one Severus Snape practically raising him, interesting at least is a given.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Family/Adventure - Chapters: 76 - Words: 517,184 - Reviews: 7372 - Favs: 5,336 - Follows: 5,893 - Updated: 7/5/2014 - Published: 1/8/2012 - Harry P., Severus S.
Forging A King by Lady Celestial Star reviews
Fifth year, Harry's been banished into a painting by the despicable Umbridge. Now he has to find a way back home, and the only way he can do that, is by finding the scattered jewels of the Wizard's Crown. Can his new-found friends help him, or will being with them end his life and chances of ever getting home? Based more on the LOTR movies than the LOTR books.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 58 - Words: 175,171 - Reviews: 2742 - Favs: 2,784 - Follows: 2,779 - Updated: 6/27/2014 - Published: 6/24/2012 - Harry P., Aragorn - Complete
Love, escape and a future by slayer of destiny reviews
When Dumbledore sells Harry in marriage to Khal Drogo, Khal of the largest Khalasar of the Dothraki, Harry thinks that he is going to be left with little to look forward to. Instead he finds the chance of a home, friends, family and love. As he finds himself Khaleesi to Drogo's Khal the agreement made between Drogo and Dumbledore for Harry's hand in marriage over their heads.
Crossover - Harry Potter & A song of Ice and Fire - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 26,977 - Reviews: 284 - Favs: 1,732 - Follows: 676 - Updated: 5/5/2014 - Published: 4/27/2014 - Harry P., K. Drogo - Complete
Bodyguard of Azula by Deus Swiftblade reviews
Naruto is banished from Konoha but gives them the slip and boards a ship. Soon after, he is shipwrecked on Ember island and is saved by Azula. Three years later, Naruto is Azula's bodyguard while she hunts for the Avatar, but did he see the last of Konoha?
Crossover - Naruto & Avatar: Last Airbender - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 73 - Words: 776,152 - Reviews: 3874 - Favs: 3,255 - Follows: 2,551 - Updated: 4/17/2014 - Published: 4/18/2012 - Naruto U., Azula - Complete
To the Waters and the Wild by Paimpont reviews
While flying back from Godric's Hollow, Hagrid accidentally drops baby Harry over a wild forest. Harry is raised by rebel fairies until his Hogwarts letter arrives. The Dark Lord is in for a surprise... HP/LV romance. SLASH.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 19 - Words: 62,146 - Reviews: 4963 - Favs: 6,834 - Follows: 8,355 - Updated: 2/21/2014 - Published: 4/3/2012 - Harry P., Voldemort
Life After Death And Betrayal by DebsTheSlytherinSnapefan reviews
Harry is twenty two years old, moving to Forks to settle down and open a bakery. He's seen death and suffered betrayal at the hands of those he trusted. He also has a secret he hasn't told another living soul. He is the Master of death. Things change for Harry, giving him a reason to live other than his godson for the first time. Jasper/Harry SLASH.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Twilight - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 35 - Words: 109,128 - Reviews: 2895 - Favs: 3,255 - Follows: 2,881 - Updated: 12/8/2013 - Published: 3/8/2013 - Harry P., Jasper - Complete
Victory Day by WhiteWave14 reviews
Harry grew up in a Rebel camp with Sirius after Voldemort's triumph over Wizarding Britain. Burdened by the Prophecy, he begins to doubt the Rebels' morals and slowly gets caught in his fascination for a certain Dark Lord. AU. Slow-paced slash, HPLV.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 54 - Words: 301,376 - Reviews: 1678 - Favs: 1,476 - Follows: 1,275 - Updated: 12/6/2013 - Published: 1/16/2013 - [Harry P., Voldemort] - Complete
Elite: Book 1, A conflict of Interests by Mistress Slytherin reviews
What would happen if the dark lord never heard the prophesy? A world where 'good' is a relative term and Harry Potter uses it rather loosely. READ A/N for details plz Book 2: We are Elite is being updated now!
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 23 - Words: 96,038 - Reviews: 249 - Favs: 308 - Follows: 244 - Updated: 11/17/2013 - Published: 9/22/2013 - Harry P., Lucius M. - Complete
Angry Harry and the Seven by Sinyk reviews
Just how will Dumbledore cope with a Harry who is smart, knowledgeable, sticks up for himself and, worst still, is betrothed? A Harry who has a penchant for losing his temper? Ravenclaw/Smart(alek)/Lord/Harry Almostcanon/Dumbledore Non-friend/Ron Harry&Daphne (Haphne). No Harem. Rating is for language and minor 'Lime' scenes.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 87 - Words: 490,097 - Reviews: 2553 - Favs: 5,180 - Follows: 2,241 - Updated: 10/22/2013 - Published: 10/9/2013 - Harry P., Daphne G. - Complete
The Tribulation of the Blue Moon by StarLight Massacre reviews
Turned into a werewolf at fifteen, Harry, afraid of what he now is and the lack of control he has, runs from the wizarding world...right into the territory of unmated alpha werewolf Fenrir Greyback, who is overly eager to find the submissive wolf in the heart of his territory. Fenrir/Harry. Mpreg.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Family - Chapters: 11 - Words: 152,461 - Reviews: 619 - Favs: 1,767 - Follows: 1,066 - Updated: 10/19/2013 - Published: 7/26/2013 - [Harry P., Fenrir G.] - Complete
An Unexpected Proposal by Eareniel reviews
As Bilbo sat smoking in his empty hobbit hole, he couldn't help but wonder – when did his life become so boring? Or better yet – when did his old life stop being enough? He suspected the answer to that question lay somewhere around the time when he had refused Thorin Oakenshield's offer of marriage.
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 17 - Words: 104,984 - Reviews: 157 - Favs: 384 - Follows: 125 - Updated: 10/12/2013 - Published: 9/12/2013 - Thorin, Bilbo B. - Complete
What Peace Brings by E-Loveless reviews
Following the Battle of the Five Armies, Thorin's belief in Bilbo's betrayal has lessened, but not enough to take back his banishment. Bilbo and Gandalf travel to Rivendell, where Lord Elrond insists that they remain, due to Bilbo's pregnancy. When an dwarven envoy is sent to express gratitude to the elves, parts of the old company come as well. Bilbo has a choice to make. MPREG
Hobbit - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 55,636 - Reviews: 202 - Favs: 768 - Follows: 445 - Updated: 9/10/2013 - Published: 3/1/2013 - Bilbo B., Thorin - Complete
Harry Potter and The Start of Something New by unwrittenlegacy reviews
Based off JellyFish72's story. The Dursley's refuse to take Harry in for the summer following the end of his fifth year and Dumbledore must search farther into Harry's relations to find a new place for him to stay. Harry is notified that he will be going to live with the Evans family in New Mexico. Some AU. Harry/Kelsi. Epilogue by cornholio4 Complete. :)
Crossover - Harry Potter & High School Musical - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 14 - Words: 51,600 - Reviews: 44 - Favs: 164 - Follows: 149 - Updated: 8/22/2013 - Published: 1/28/2013 - Harry P., Kelsi N. - Complete
The Dethroned King and the Nothing Boy by Prince-Malice reviews
Pitch and Jack have been waiting a long time for each other, Jack just doesn't know it yet. Sequel Coming Soon
Rise of the Guardians - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 9 - Words: 33,318 - Reviews: 74 - Favs: 201 - Follows: 79 - Updated: 8/4/2013 - Published: 6/30/2013 - Jack Frost, Pitch - Complete
Stir Thy Heart, Shadows by half-breedMiralian reviews
Now that most of the black dream sand has been reverted, Pitch Black must resort to using shadows of the past. New enemies are made of old faces, and Jack Frost finds himself being disregarded as a contender in the approaching battle. As he struggles against this new threat, he develops a dangerous connection with his greatest enemy. And he has no wish to sever it. Black/Frost
Rise of the Guardians - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 19 - Words: 100,592 - Reviews: 94 - Favs: 163 - Follows: 72 - Updated: 7/17/2013 - Published: 6/21/2013 - Jack Frost, Pitch - Complete
For Better or For Worse by The Emcee reviews
A long time ago, a hobbit, a Baggins of Bag End, saved a dwarf prince, one of the line of Durin, and died in the process. As a result, the dwarf prince made a vow to the dying Baggins that one day one of his line would take a Baggins as a consort to repay the hobbit for his sacrifice. Years passed and Gandalf the Grey pays Bilbo Baggins a visit that will change his life...
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 33 - Words: 79,283 - Reviews: 622 - Favs: 900 - Follows: 736 - Updated: 7/10/2013 - Published: 1/16/2013 - Bilbo B., Thorin - Complete
Deliver Us from Sorrow's Hold by Epic Solemnity reviews
SM/HP: SLASH: He'd tried everything to get rid of 'them', the Hallows. But they kept coming back to him, recognizing him as the one and only Master of Death. Jaded and desperate for eternal sleep, Harry immediately becomes wary of a possessive demon that could curse him further into the pits of hell.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Kuroshitsuji - Rated: M - English - Supernatural/Mystery - Chapters: 13 - Words: 96,025 - Reviews: 1652 - Favs: 2,847 - Follows: 3,403 - Updated: 7/5/2013 - Published: 5/13/2012 - Harry P., Sebastian M.
Over and Beyond (Expextations) by Elenothar reviews
I takes Thorin an embarrassingly long while to figure out that he has some suspiciously romantic feelings towards the company's very own burglar - and even longer to do something about it. A story about two particularly stubborn blind people, a slow romance, and what might or might not be fate (though it feels a lot like love).
Hobbit - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 8 - Words: 40,296 - Reviews: 34 - Favs: 116 - Follows: 74 - Updated: 6/30/2013 - Published: 3/27/2013 - Thorin, Bilbo B. - Complete
Out of the Darkness by griffindork93 reviews
Sakura would show them she wasn't pathetic. One harsh word from Sasuke makes Sakura realize that he will never see her unless she is strong enough to stand at his side and not in his shadow.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 172,676 - Reviews: 228 - Favs: 699 - Follows: 317 - Updated: 6/26/2013 - Published: 7/11/2012 - [Sakura H., Itachi U.] Naruto U., Shikamaru N. - Complete
Five Kingdoms for the Dead by Evil Is A Relative Term reviews
After the Forest of Death, Sakura comes to realize that being weak is no longer an option. However, she finds that change is sometimes painful and that truth doesn't always come easy. Luckily, she'll have some help along the way.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 41 - Words: 220,628 - Reviews: 3043 - Favs: 2,832 - Follows: 1,616 - Updated: 5/31/2013 - Published: 9/18/2008 - Sakura H., Neji H., Itachi U., Sai - Complete
Fancy Footwork by silverfootsteps reviews
For Sakura, there's always been dreary days of schoolwork and unreliable people. Who knew a clumsy womanizer, an accidental pervert, a soft-hearted glutton, and an incredibly sexy virgin would light her life up like this? A friendship founded on dancing and the strange threat that tied them all together: "Fiji". AU
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 27 - Words: 245,572 - Reviews: 1508 - Favs: 1,360 - Follows: 865 - Updated: 5/29/2013 - Published: 7/19/2010 - Sakura H., Itachi U. - Complete
The Girl who Imprinted by CCRevival reviews
The Volturi ran off with their tails between their legs, but a gathering that large of supernatural creatures attracted attention from the magical world. The magical world is still rebuilding from Voldemort so Harry gets sent. He finds trouble quickly with vampires - and an infatuated shape shifter.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 205,140 - Reviews: 541 - Favs: 1,295 - Follows: 1,333 - Updated: 5/9/2013 - Published: 11/29/2012 - Harry P., Leah
Schooled by WyrdSmith reviews
7th Year Gryffs learn why it is never a good idea to piss off their favorite victim, shy Ravenclaw Hadrian Morgan. The orphan's payback during Professor Slytherin's class is BEAUTIFUL & piques the interest & libido of the Lord Marvolo Slytherin, who courts him with the aid of most of the School. But just how naive is Hadrian Morgan, really? TMR/HP Slash OOC AU
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 18 - Words: 125,012 - Reviews: 3201 - Favs: 5,861 - Follows: 5,937 - Updated: 4/24/2013 - Published: 3/5/2012 - Harry P., Tom R. Jr.
Frost High by GreatDarkNoodleKing reviews
Based off a short on tumblr I read. Jack's a student and he's taking a class with a one Mister Black. Having feelings for a teacher- usually this goes unrewarded and ignored, but for some reason, Jack finds himself constantly trying and pining for his attention. AU AU AU AU AU. Need I say it again? A fricking U. Rating will change.
Rise of the Guardians - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 30 - Words: 67,242 - Reviews: 338 - Favs: 236 - Follows: 138 - Updated: 3/29/2013 - Published: 1/1/2013 - Jack Frost, Pitch - Complete
Jaded Eyes of a Prodigy by wickedlfairy17 reviews
DarkHarry snapped early on, follow his journey for revenge. Surprises at every turn and not everything is as it appears. His search for power will reshape the world by fire and the magical world will never know what hit them.Slash LVHP Full summery inside
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 21 - Words: 216,842 - Reviews: 1932 - Favs: 3,773 - Follows: 2,704 - Updated: 3/5/2013 - Published: 1/8/2008 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
Again and Again by Athey reviews
The Do-Over Fic - a chance to do things again, but this time-To Get it Right. But is it really such a blessing as it appears? A jaded, darker, bitter, and tired wizard who just wants to die; but can't. A chance to learn how to live, from the most unexpected source. slytherin!harry, dark!harry, eventual slash, lv/hp
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Mystery/Supernatural - Chapters: 25 - Words: 226,768 - Reviews: 3548 - Favs: 5,549 - Follows: 5,548 - Updated: 12/18/2012 - Published: 5/25/2012 - Harry P., Voldemort, Tom R. Jr.
Things you just don't talk about by Enodia reviews
""Do you enjoy sex?" Shikamaru asked bluntly. I just can't believe I'm talking about this, and with Shikamaru, of all people, Sakura thought." Sakura is in for a surprise. Or, rather, a series of surprises. Shikasaku. Lemon.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 15 - Words: 118,175 - Reviews: 675 - Favs: 1,425 - Follows: 690 - Updated: 12/18/2012 - Published: 3/24/2012 - Shikamaru N., Sakura H. - Complete
Food for Thought by WyrdSmith reviews
Just who is the new resident of 221C Baker Street? And why is Mycroft Holmes suddenly visiting his brother Sherlock so much more often? Slash, Rated M cuz I'm fond of lemonade, though I won't pour it til Ch4 or so. SH/HP/MH.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Sherlock - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 83,231 - Reviews: 691 - Favs: 1,704 - Follows: 1,956 - Updated: 12/15/2012 - Published: 3/4/2012 - Harry P., Mycroft H.
Sakura's Secret by Midnight Lost reviews
Every good shinobi has their secrets. But Sakura's is bigger then them all. Hidan x Sakura pairing. Rated T for Hidans mouth and suggestive themes. Read and Review!
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 20 - Words: 49,858 - Reviews: 163 - Favs: 160 - Follows: 132 - Updated: 9/14/2012 - Published: 1/22/2011 - Sakura H., Akatsuki
Dark and Light by Faust VII reviews
He was a genius. He could paint, play music, talk to snakes, control fire. He was more powerful and intelligent then any knew. He had strong 'friends'. The problem was, he had few emotions. Dark Harry. I Do Not Own Harry Potter. -Slash-
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 53 - Words: 102,267 - Reviews: 2825 - Favs: 6,283 - Follows: 3,991 - Updated: 7/22/2012 - Published: 3/15/2009 - Harry P. - Complete
District Four by GinnyMastrani reviews
Harry Potter is just a kid from District Four. He never wanted this. Cato is a warrior from District Two, he volunteered. When these two collide in the arena, sparks will fly. HXC Warnings inside. Complete.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Hunger Games - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 31,264 - Reviews: 188 - Favs: 599 - Follows: 276 - Updated: 7/19/2012 - Published: 5/19/2012 - Harry P., Cato - Complete
Achievement Unlocked by codexfawkes reviews
"Well, they tell you never hit a man with a closed fist, but it is on occasion hilarious." Fawkes quoted with a smirk. "Mal, bad in the Latin." Codex returned smiling at him over the prone body of her ex-boyfriend. "As bad as you want me baby, and you know you want me." Fawkes replied his voice deepening in the way that made her shiver as he offered her his arm.
Web Shows - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,096 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 28 - Follows: 7 - Published: 7/5/2012 - Guild - Complete
Berkana by Aisling-Siobhan reviews
Loki/HP Having mastered the ability to travel between worlds without the use of the Bifrost, Loki stumbles upon Harry Potter and decides to keep him, for all kings need a consort. Unfortunately, Thor has the same idea, when Loki brings Harry home.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Thor - Rated: M - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 28,479 - Reviews: 309 - Favs: 2,431 - Follows: 457 - Published: 5/22/2012 - Harry P., Loki - Complete
Rebirth by Athey reviews
Two boys grow up together in an orphanage, grow powerful at school, are torn apart by death and brought back together by rebirth. Horcruxes aren't the only way to live forever. Necromancy, reincarnation, TR/HP Slash dark!Harry.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Supernatural - Chapters: 28 - Words: 230,294 - Reviews: 2431 - Favs: 4,673 - Follows: 2,674 - Updated: 2/29/2012 - Published: 11/18/2010 - Harry P., Tom R. Jr. - Complete
Flirting With Guard Number Three by Marginal Benefits reviews
During a summer vacation to London with Ron and Hermione, Harry finds himself entranced by one of the guards at Buckingham Palace. Is there anything he can do to get the handsome man's attention? And phone number? AU Snarry OOCness slash **COMPLETE**
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 26,634 - Reviews: 192 - Favs: 234 - Follows: 143 - Updated: 2/24/2012 - Published: 12/29/2011 - Severus S., Harry P. - Complete
Harry Potter and the Breeding Darkness by Athey reviews
Descent Into Darkness Sequel. Harry escapes Privet Dr for the summer after 4th year by staying with Tom. Death Eater meetings, training, and discovering new depths to his relationship with the Dark Lord. Harry grows and changes even more. Discontinued
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 27 - Words: 242,408 - Reviews: 2438 - Favs: 3,496 - Follows: 2,716 - Updated: 1/15/2012 - Published: 10/2/2010 - Harry P., Tom R. Jr.
Ink Deep by enchanted nightingale reviews
Hyuga Neji was not a man easily charmed but those green eyes stole his breath at first and then his heart. SLASH.
Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 8 - Words: 29,512 - Reviews: 406 - Favs: 1,929 - Follows: 913 - Updated: 10/28/2011 - Published: 8/2/2011 - Harry P., Neji H. - Complete
Martyrdom and Paradox by UchidaKarasu reviews
L is deep in the Kira case when suddenly a man with a fake name and a sharp intellect turns up in Japan. As L discovers what attraction is, Harry Potter fights to help L solve the case while falling in love with the detective. Yaoi/slash. Rated mature!
Crossover - Harry Potter & Death Note - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 32 - Words: 184,879 - Reviews: 1267 - Favs: 2,626 - Follows: 1,471 - Updated: 10/1/2011 - Published: 2/8/2010 - Harry P., L - Complete
Xerosis by Batsutousai reviews
Harry's world ends at the hands of those he'd once fought to save. An adult-Harry goes back to his younger self fic. Semi-super!Harry, Voldemort/Harry, SLASH-for the idiots
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Adventure - Chapters: 11 - Words: 145,018 - Reviews: 2090 - Favs: 5,425 - Follows: 2,575 - Updated: 9/28/2011 - Published: 5/12/2011 - [Harry P., Voldemort] Hermione G., Barty C. Jr. - Complete
The Good Girls That Went Bad by The Black Rose 1995 reviews
Discontinued. Re-writen. Really sorry.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 16 - Words: 33,435 - Reviews: 509 - Favs: 289 - Follows: 233 - Updated: 9/1/2011 - Published: 6/10/2010 - Itachi U., Sakura H.
Through Time by Tilunar reviews
Sakura has gone back in time to stop her future from happening again. See how she takes living through the three great shinobi wars before she can see Naruto, and the others of konoha twelve again.
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 41 - Words: 70,564 - Reviews: 360 - Favs: 396 - Follows: 285 - Updated: 8/31/2011 - Published: 7/25/2010 - Sakura H.
Death of Today by Epic Solemnity reviews
COMPLETE LV/HP: Raised in a Muggle orphanage, Harry arrives at Hogwarts a bitter boy. Unusually intelligent, he's recruited by the Unspeakables and the Death Eaters at a young age. As he grows older, he constantly has to struggle to keep his footing around a manipulative and bored Dark Lord, who fancies mind games and intellectual entertainment. (Currently being re-edited.)
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Suspense/Adventure - Chapters: 71 - Words: 500,882 - Reviews: 7837 - Favs: 6,091 - Follows: 3,260 - Updated: 6/6/2011 - Published: 9/26/2009 - Voldemort, Harry P. - Complete
Online! by Juura99 reviews
Naruto is hooked on an MMORPG game. He has tons of friends there and spends almost all his free time playing. However, he's never met a single friend in person. He doesn't mind, but then one of them wants to meet him in person. What should he do? SasuNaru
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 40 - Words: 209,362 - Reviews: 2142 - Favs: 1,402 - Follows: 600 - Updated: 5/19/2011 - Published: 8/3/2010 - Sasuke U., Naruto U. - Complete
Naruto: Revenge by Kolarthecool reviews
UNDERGOING REWRITE. After returning Uchiha Sasuke to the village, Naruto is attacked by an angry mob. Sick and tired of their treatment, he leaves the village behind, swearing revenge on all those that have wronged him: lucky for him, Kyuubi's more than willing to lend a hand. Godlike!Naruto. Multiple crossovers. Warning: Expect a few cliches.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 28 - Words: 167,131 - Reviews: 866 - Favs: 2,078 - Follows: 1,079 - Updated: 5/12/2011 - Published: 2/13/2011 - Naruto U., Mei T. - Complete
The Way of the Wind by just enough reviews
ANBU Captain Uchiha Itachi had things well planned out, until a medic-nin with ridiculous hair went and made herself interesting. Sakura insisted she was just doing her job, but Itachi didn't quite see it that way. Non-massacre. Sakura/Itachi.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 25 - Words: 158,542 - Reviews: 3772 - Favs: 5,527 - Follows: 2,345 - Updated: 1/20/2011 - Published: 3/17/2008 - [Itachi U., Sakura H.] Naruto U., Sasuke U. - Complete
Langsyne by Bloody Fox reviews
They would deny him his heritage, in turn he would deny them his hand against the Dark. Falling in love with Tom Riddle was never part of the plan, and fifty years later, it's unlikely that there is anything left of Tom within Voldemort to love him back.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 29 - Words: 206,603 - Reviews: 1022 - Favs: 2,315 - Follows: 1,302 - Updated: 1/13/2011 - Published: 10/6/2009 - Harry P., Voldemort - Complete
The Changer by Vingilot reviews
Harry Potter has been missing since he was eight. Now, seven years later, Severus Snape has a one night stand that just doesn’t seem to end. How long will they be able to keep their secrets? HPSS
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 39 - Words: 97,320 - Reviews: 4182 - Favs: 3,883 - Follows: 4,268 - Updated: 12/31/2010 - Published: 2/23/2006 - Harry P., Severus S.
Harry Potter and the Champion's Champion by DriftWood1965 reviews
Harry allows Ron to compete for him in the tournament. How does he fare? This is a Harry/Hermione story with SERIOUSLY Idiot!Ron Bashing. If that isn't what you like, please read something else. Complete but I do expect to add an alternate ending or two.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 108,953 - Reviews: 3565 - Favs: 6,306 - Follows: 2,747 - Updated: 11/26/2010 - Published: 11/1/2009 - Harry P., Hermione G. - Complete
sincerely but never yours by Alive In Wonderland reviews
SasuSaku - If you give fourteen people sixteen weeks to learn as much about each other as possible, what would you get? Drama. Hate. Love. One night stands. Tears. Joy. And awkwardness. ... Blame Anko. And Naruto. And Itachi. Actually... blame everyone.
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 45 - Words: 445,563 - Reviews: 1985 - Favs: 911 - Follows: 378 - Updated: 11/25/2010 - Published: 11/25/2009 - Sakura H., Sasuke U. - Complete
Where The Sleeper Waits by Sin Maxwell and Co reviews
A strange child rides with the Nazgul. Valo is taken under the care of Aragorn as the journey begins but he holds many secrets. Why does Sauron want his precious "Key" back so badly? Can Legolas get passed his hatred for the Morgul child? SLASH! Legarry!
Crossover - Harry Potter & Lord of the Rings - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 25 - Words: 56,971 - Reviews: 626 - Favs: 1,802 - Follows: 1,040 - Updated: 11/4/2010 - Published: 2/21/2010 - Harry P., Legolas - Complete
Harry Potter and the Descent into Darkness by Athey reviews
4th yr. Through an accident Harry and Voldemort's Horcrux begin to interact and Harry slowly begins to change. He becomes stronger & slowly grows aware of the sinister events that have perpetuated his entire life. Dark!Harry eventual LV/HP SLASH
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Supernatural/Drama - Chapters: 33 - Words: 267,992 - Reviews: 1304 - Favs: 5,280 - Follows: 1,395 - Updated: 10/2/2010 - Published: 7/21/2010 - Harry P., Tom R. Jr. - Complete
RuneMaster by Tigerman reviews
In third year, Harry decided to quit Divination, following Hermione. Having to take a substitute course, he end up choosing Ancient Runes and find himself to be quite gifted. Smart Harry. Slightly manipulative. Rated M for later subjects and language.
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 18 - Words: 149,721 - Reviews: 3219 - Favs: 10,159 - Follows: 4,398 - Updated: 12/30/2009 - Published: 5/21/2009 - Harry P., Luna L. - Complete
Pretty Kitty by Cherry-Starburst reviews
Complete, Pre-OOTP, Fred/George/Harry. Ginny Weasley's new plot has some drastic consequences for one Harry Potter. Cat Boy!Harry WIP
Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 44 - Words: 135,777 - Reviews: 1252 - Favs: 2,908 - Follows: 1,009 - Updated: 7/31/2009 - Published: 4/13/2008 - Fred W., Harry P. - Complete
Three Deadly Dare's by lovagirl132 reviews
When Sakura was 5 years old, Ino had given her three dares that end up lasting years later. What happens when a group of new kids arrive at her high school? Can one of them end the dares? Main: DeiSaku SakuDei Slight: KibaHina ShikaIno Onesided: SasoSaku
Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 18 - Words: 36,668 - Reviews: 675 - Favs: 381 - Follows: 170 - Updated: 6/7/2009 - Published: 9/2/2008 - Deidara, Sakura H. - Complete
Dance! by Naia reviews
AU Hogwarts is the most famous ballet school of Europe, and Hermione is proud to be part of its graduating class. But this year, the young prodigy Harry Potter, son of two ballet stars is coming to Hogwarts... This is a year everyone will remember.
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 90,758 - Reviews: 1152 - Favs: 1,203 - Follows: 504 - Updated: 10/22/2008 - Published: 8/28/2003 - Hermione G., Harry P. - Complete
The Poker Game by Enterprise1701-d reviews
Draco organizes a no-holds-barred poker game. Harry decides to compete... just a little fun fic co-written by Joshua. I might or might not write more on this.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 123,923 - Reviews: 502 - Favs: 2,097 - Follows: 911 - Updated: 7/6/2008 - Published: 2/18/2008 - Harry P. - Complete
Harry Potter and the Irish Choice by DisobedienceWriter reviews
With all the crappy stuff Harry goes through at Hogwarts, the smart money would be on him transferring to a different, better school early in his career. Here’s one way it might have happened. No planned pairings.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 62,622 - Reviews: 650 - Favs: 3,379 - Follows: 970 - Updated: 9/20/2007 - Published: 9/6/2007 - Harry P., Sirius B. - Complete
Art and Artifice by dagget reviews
Life hasn't always been kind to Naruto, but he's got talent and determination. He just wants to get into University but his quasi doublelife is about to cause him some difficulties. Itanaru, onesided sasunaru. AU
Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 22 - Words: 49,394 - Reviews: 713 - Favs: 1,338 - Follows: 240 - Updated: 6/7/2007 - Published: 5/27/2007 - Naruto U., Itachi U. - Complete
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When I Left
Found Poem spamming the entire 26 chapters, almost like a plot overview.
Catcher in the Rye - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Poetry - Chapters: 1 - Words: 353 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 6/4/2013 - Complete
Gift for the Darkness reviews
Chapter 8. Found Poem This is the chapter where Jack leaves and makes his own tribe full of savages. His hunters chase and slaughter a pig they then leave the head on a stick as a sacrafice for the beast. Simon ends up talking to the decapitated pig head
Lord of the Flies - Rated: K+ - English - Mystery/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 154 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 3 - Updated: 6/8/2012 - Published: 4/20/2012 - Jack M., Simon - Complete