Author has written 4 stories for Harry Potter, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!, Sherlock, and Hikaru no Go.
Friend: What are you doing?
Me: Looking for fork.
Friend: You've been looking for the past five minutes. It doesn't take that long to find a fork.
Me: I'm trying to find a comfortable fork.
Me: Yeah, all your forks suck, by the way. It feels like they're shanking my fingers when I use them. That's why I always take so long finding utensils at your house. Oh, and your spoons suck too.
Little Sister: Hey, which finger is the index finger?
Me: Um, I dunno. Why?
Little Sister: Cause my friend broke his index finger and I wanna know which one it is.
Me: Oh. Well, just ask him to send you a picture.
Little Sister: Oh, yeah, cause asking someone to send you a picture of your index finger isn't creepy at all.
Friend: How long have I know you?
Me: ...Fuck. That's how long I've known you.
Little Sister: Weird. This piece of bread tastes like Christmas.
Me: You mean ginger bread?
Little Sister: Yeah! It tastes like ginger bread. I wonder why?
Me: Didn't you know? All bread is made out of ginger bread.
Little Sister: Really?
Me: Yup.*stares at Sister as she gazes at her bread in wonder* ...You are aware that I was messing with you right?
Little Sister: What? You mean it's not... Dammit! Not again!
Me: Dumb ass.
Little 10 Yr Old Cousin: Why does that sign say there are no dogs allowed and then says suvice dogs are allowed?
Me: You mean service dogs?
Little 10 Yr Old Cousin: Yeah, whatever. Why's it say that.
Me: I dunno, maybe a blind person wants to go camping! Then they need their seeing eye dogs.
Little 10 Yr Old Cousin: Well, who says they need dogs. They can use fish!
Me: Fish? How would a fish help a blind person? They need the dogs to lead them places, a fish just sits around in a bowl.
Little 10 Yr Old Cousin: The fish has a GPS, duh.
Me: And how's the fish gonna use it, huh? It can't speak, it doesn't even have a long enough memory, it's only like three seconds! And the water would make the GPS unusable anyways.
Little 10 Yr Old Cousin: Nu-uh! The GPS is water proof!
Me: So? The fish still can't use it.
Little 10 Yr Old Cousin: Who needs a fish? They have a GPS!
Me: The person's blind!
Little 10 Yr Old Cousin: What does this have to do with a blind person? I thought we were talking about a GPS.
Quotes from my favorite philosopher, Voltaire:
'No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.'
'I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.'
'Cherish those who seek truth, but beware those who find it.'
'Optimism is the madness of insisting that all is well when we are miserable.'
'No opinion is worth burning your neighbor for.'
'Men are equal. It is not birth but virtue that makes the difference.'
'Hell calls Hell.'
'I am ready to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal is another matter.'