Author has written 11 stories for Twilight, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, Elder Scroll series, and Fifty Shades Trilogy.
"Once upon a time, there was a lovely little sausage named Baldrick and he lived happily ever after."
"Are those pants made by Karl Marx? Because dat ass is causing an uprising in my lower class."
"...and then Satan said, 'Put the alphabet in maths.'"
WARNING: BAD WORDS AHOY! DON'T TELL YOUR MUM.
I just write FanFiction for fun. It isn't really in my nature to write any serious stories, let alone lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy stuff. If you see properly-written, deep and philosophical lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy stuff under my account, well, it probably means that some bellend who took my stories personally, killed me, dumped my body in a dumpster and started writing stuff under my account. If have parodied something that sounds like your story, don't be dismayed! I wrote it all in good fun and I don't mean for anyone to get offended. Don't take anything I write seriously. Anything.
Twitardits: A New Disease?: "A handy guide to surviving the brain-melting, IQ-minimizing pandemic that is sweeping the globe." - The first FanFiction I ever uploaded to this site hence why it is much shorter than (and not really as good as) my later works. You'd still probably get a kick out of it though.
Twishite: "Stephenie Mey- I mean, Bella Swan's touching story of love and complete and utter crap is summarised in this delightfully horrible play on Stephenie Meyer's 'Twilight'." - I poured all my anger and hatred of Twilight into this parody. No, I will not do New Moon.
How to NOT Write a Legolas FanFic: "STOP! Are YOU planning on writing a Legolas FanFic? Well, you can throw your totally-cliche plotline out the window because here a few examples of how to NOT write Legolas FanFiction. A parody of all crappy Legolas FanFiction." - The first of my fics to reach 100 reviews! Huzzah! And it's a good thing too because I went through so much pain and suffering from having to read so much crappy FanFiction just to be able to write this.
Stupid Potter: "This is the stupidly written, stupid story about a stupid boy named Harry Potter, and his stupid decisions that caused a lot of stupid things to happen. Join him on his stupid adventure as he stupidly battles stupidity and his stupid arch-nemesis, stupid Voldemort." - This is the first actual story I've written, and it's extremely stupid.
DAILYDOSED: - My badfic commentary series in which I do commentary on everyone's favourite badfics. Right now, the series only has 'My Immortal' (which took me friggin' forever to complete) and 'Sary'. (NOTE: the other one, 'legolas by laura' was deleted because it violated some shit or some shit. I sincerely hope the person who reported my fic falls into the fires of Mount Doom from whence they came).
The Imperial Guard Handbook: "STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM!...and read this handbook! This contains all you need to know about everyone's favourite, elitist, "CRIMINAL SCUM" catching law-enforcers: the Imperial Guard. A must-read for all aspiring Imperial Guards!" - My ode to arguably the most memorable and best-worst NPC factions in possibly the entire Elder Scrolls series, the Imperial Guards.
Faux-Elvish for Dummies: "Do you find normal Elvish confusing? Are you constantly being left out of conversations by your hardcore-Tolkienite friends? Are you flunking your second-language GCSE exams and are in need of another language ASAP? Then this handy guide is for you!" - I won't deny that I struggled a bit trying to get through all the random elvish mumbo-jumbo when I was reading 'The Lord of the Rings'. Being the benevolent person I am, I have written a how-to guide to make life easier for everyone who wants to understand elvish but can't actually be bothered to learn (ie. myself).
The House of Oropher's TRAUMATIC, ANGST-FILLED PAST: Are you planning on writing angsty Fanfiction about a certain clan of blonds but don't know how to start torturing them? Well, never fear! This magnificent volume will tell you everything you would possibly want to know about the most tormented, abused and tortured family in the history of Fanfiction." - Because let's face it, we like to hurt the people we love the most.
The Calm Before the Storm: Cyrodiil, 4E 168. Emperor Attrebus Mede II lies dead. While his son, Titus, reluctantly ascends to an unstable Imperial Throne, others see a new chance for power. Yet, amidst the turmoil, rumours run rampant of a potential war brewing with the Aldmeri Dominion and, as rumour slowly turns into reality, the lives of citizens and nobles, peasants and princes are changed forever. - The first *ahem* "serious" story I have ever tried to write on Fanfiction. Don't laugh, pls.
Fifty Shades of Shite: "Bella Swa- I mean, Anastasia Steele's steamy tale of BDSM and complete and utter crap is summarised in this ticklingly terrible parody of everyone's favourite Twilight erotica, E.L James' 'Fifty Shades of Grey'." - The sort-of sequel to Twishite. Written with a bit more than a hint of irony and once again, not to be taken seriously.
ABOUT ME (SORT OF):
Hello! Okay, I seriously don't know how to introduce myself so I'll just talk about things I like.
First off, I like reading, and watching movies and the telly.
I love Harry Potter series and The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings. I think they're great books/movies. Don't jump to conclusions though. I'm not some hard-core Potter fan, whose life revolves around boy wizards with weird looking glasses and lightning bolt scars, which would also mean that I don't really care about joining Pottermore either (Rowling is still awesome, though). Also, I'm not some ultra-Tolkienite who tries to memorize all fourteen or so Encyclopaedia-Britannica-thick books on the history of Middle Earth (aka. a-place-that-doesn't-exist-I-personally-don't-bother-myself-with-it), where everyone speaks like:
"I art [insert weird name here, son of [insert other weird name here, descendant of some important guyeth from a bajillion millennia ago, who hailseth from the Kingdom of [insert weird place name here, which I still somehoweth memorizeth for everyone in Middle Earth memorizeth their ancestry up to their 500th grandsires's cousin's mumsire's brothersire's best friend, which art kindeth of creepy for who the hell actually knowseth this kind of shiteth? ".
Yeah, my Shakespearean English sucks arse, possibly because reading Shakespeare is one thing, but being forced to read it in class makes you wish Brutus and his anarchistic buddies rock up in your literature class and turn it into something that looks like the end of Macbeth.
Oh, and I just cursed everyone for a million years, didn't I? Macbeth. Macbeth. Macbeth.
Anywho, some of you might have probably heard of Blackadder. It's a pretty old show though, dating back to the 1980's so I chances are younger people don't know it but, I am a HUGE fan of Blackadder and I mean, holy crap, I'd marry it if it was legal...or human. I love every single season, although Blackadder the Third and Blackadder Goes Fourth are my favourite. I'm kinda sad that the show can't continue. If you haven't heard of or seen Blackadder, I highly suggest that you watch all the seasons as well as The Cavalier Years, Back and Forth and Blackadder's Christmas Carol. Oh, and I love Mr. Bean too. For those who are wondering, both Blackadder and Mr. Bean star Rowan Atkinson (one of my favourite actors, btw). Hugh Laurie is also in Blackadder (yes, the guy who plays Dr. House in House and the happy-dappy dad in Stuart Little) and so is Tony Robinson (the guy from Time Team), and even Robbie Coltrane (Hagrid from Harry Potter) appears in one episode in the third season.
Speaking of reviews, this may seem a bit odd, but I actually think that flaming is sort-of, kinda-maybe "okay". I admit, leaving stupid, badly spelt insults on someone's work isn't very nice, but I like to keep an open mind when it comes to ALL types of criticism. I don't condone flaming at all but my point is that if you are actually planning to get anywhere with your writing, you should to not only listen to constructive criticism, but learn to deal with flames too. How can you learn to deal with flames if you never get them, all because everyone in the community is too happy-happy to do so? Outside of FanFiction.net, authors don't always get lovely, respectful reviews. A lot of people (most likely bored idiots with nothing better to do with their time), if they dislike a story, just leave comments on author forums saying "THIS STORY SUCKS ARSE!" or the like. I've always been a staunch supporter freedom of speech and really, isn't denying the right to flame a violation of that?
If you have any questions/comments/flames/death threats/ideas, please feel free to send a PM or email me at email@example.com
(Yeah, I know that it's a bit weird for me to make an email just for Fanfiction but my personal email is already flooded with messages from my friends and various Nigerian princes that have deemed me the benefactor of their fortunes in exchange for my bank account details so, I can't really afford any more crap in that account).
Mary-Sues: I'll make this short and sweet: if you write a Mary-Sue character, there will be blood.
Grammar/spelling mistakes: I can forgive minor grammar/spelling mistakes. I can also forgive grammar/spelling mistakes if English is not your first language. However, if English is your first language but you still write like a dyslexic baboon, I will not be held responsible for your injuries.
Uber-Smut: I'm not a prude and I can tolerate the occasional sex scene (although the ultra-descriptive ones are a tad bit 'Mills and Boon') however, unless your story is specifically a smut story, if your entire story revolves around your two main characters going at it in excruciating detail, then I will get bored. I do wonder sometimes how some authors can invoke so much mental imagery when they write their lemon, but they can't write a plot worth shit. I'm sure if you can write a descriptive lemon, you could easily make your story better with an equally descriptive plot.
Purple Prose: On the condition that your transmitted narrative should give every indication of being overly loquacious and labyrinthine to the point of abstruseness, it follows that I consider it decorous to unsparingly inform you of your lamentable error and the necessity of emendation. Furthermore, if you would be so obliging as to expire within a blazing conflagration.
Extreme OOC-ness: This drives me up the goddamn wall. While I can hardly notice slight deviations from a character's personality and interpretations of a character that was only vaguely described in the source material, if you make Draco Malfoy a shy, depressed and bisexual goth (I'm looking at you, Tara Gilesbie), I will sue you for committing crimes against humanity.
"And then...and then...": If your move the plot in your story along just by saying "and then" a million times, you suck.
Run-on sentences: If the sentences in your stories are really long and you have no punctuation and there are too many words and there is not a full-stop to be seen in a million billion kilometres because you're trying to write as much shit as you possibly can into only one sentence then you're doing it wrong.
The Twilight Saga: I think I may need more space for this:
I HATE the Twilight Saga. I've read the first book and I couldn't even finish it. It was incredibly bad. I watched the movie because people said it was good, which I regret because I seriously almost died of boredom. The saddest part is, I can't even get my money or time back.
If you take any of the stories I wrote personally, YOU ARE AN IDIOT. And yes, I genuinely meant to offend you that time. Twilight fans, I just know you're going to spam me with "Oh, ur just jealoussse!!!!1" and "Stephanieeee Meyerrr can rite sooo much bettur then uu!!". You fans are partly the reason why I hate Twilight. Unlike a lot of FanFiction writers, I don't actually mind your stupid reviews on my stories. I'm not going to go out of my way to censor the rubbish you send me because frankly, it's worth the time. So, if your aim is to make me cry in a corner and slit my wrists with a chainsaw, I'll tell you now that your plan will fail like Stephanie Meyer's attempt at writing a decent book. If you leave reviews that look like they were written by a dyslexic baboon, I'll just call you an idiot and leave it at that. I won't even be violating your freedom of speech. You use your freedom of speech to flame my stories and I use my freedom of speech to call you a belligerent moron. Seeing as I won't ever delete any reviews (even if I could), it's all fair.
Why do I even hate Twilight you ask? You see, I read the first book when one of my friends recommended it to me. I didn't even bother to finish the book because the story was clearly not going anywhere. Up to the point I read, the book just read like "I did this, then I did that then I saw Edward. OMGGGGG." Bella is the most annoying character in the history of literature and the fact that Smeyer couldn't even get the slightest inkling of Bella's personality through the paper even though the whole book is in her perspective, just shows how retarded the character development is. The word choice in Twilight is a joke. Instead of writing "the small town of Forks", Stephanie Meyer just went full thesaurus rape and said "the diminutive municipality of Forks". Even the plot, (I'm guessing it's the whole Volturi thing) which only started kicking in near the end, was retarded. Meyer, if it takes you three-quarters of the goddamn book to actually get to the plot, you should really be reevaluating your credibility as a serious writer.
Now, I could go on talking about how Bella is a bad role model for young girls, but I'm not. No matter how young you are, if you're actually stupid enough to let a fictional character influence your whole life, then it's your problem and your parents' problem. Not Stephanie Meyer's, not mine, and it's not a big enough problem to start any of those national rallies that borderline-delusional idealists hold to "protect the children". Protect your own stupid children from Twilight if you don't want them to read it, but don't get pissed off at Stephanie Meyer or anyone else when you don't protect your kids, and they become obsessed with sparklepires (good lord, I can't believe I just defended Stephanie Meyer that time).
You might think I'm bitter about Meyer's success, but I'm not. Quite the opposite, in fact. I think Stephanie Meyer is an inspiration to all of us budding writers. If Twilight can get published and become an international sensation, then so can the story I wrote in first grade about the flying donkey-rabbit that marries a blue horse. Mrs. Meyer's achievement is an inspiration to us all.
Okay, I am honestly wondering how something so crappy could have gotten so successful. Someone please tell me what the hell is going on. Twilight is as shallow as a cereal bowl, and I might sound hypocritical when I say this because my stories aren't exactly Pulitzer Prize material, but at least I'm not making money off of them. If you want my stories, just copy and paste the damn things into a Word document and click 'print'. I won't try charge you a million bucks for it...or file a lawsuit...or try to make a movie...or if I did, I won't make the actors show their painted-on abs the entire time because I'm not a cheap bastard.
I UNCONDITIONALLY AND IRREVOCABLY HATE TWILIGHT.
SOME WORDS THAT PEOPLE DON'T SEEM TO UNDERSTAND THE MEANING OF:
Parody: noun. a piece of writing or a video that makes fun of something and is not to be taken personally or seriously.
Summary: noun. a piece of writing that summarises a plot line. They are not stories and are not meant to flow properly or be great works of literature. Their purpose is to summarise something hence, they are called summaries.
Please read those definitions carefully before you comment on how my parodies are "badly written", "stupid", "shallow stories" etc.
And yes, I will admit that they are not deep at all, because like I said, I'm not a serious writer. Don't expect to read anything of mine that will delve into the deep crevices of your subconscious and unearth the raw emotions or some shit like that. If you want depth, go read some Tolstoy or Orwell, but don't come crying to me when my stories are not the sociopolitical masterpiece commentaries you were somehow expecting.
It's Fan-fucking-Fiction. Since when did anything on this god-forsaken site have to be deep?
These are what I consider to be the greatest poems ever written:
THE GERMAN GUNS (by S. Baldrick)
Boom, boom, boom,
Boom, boom, boom.
Boom, boom, boom,
Boom, boom, boom.
WAKING UP FOR SCHOOL: A HAIKU
No no no no no,
No no no no no no no,
No no no no no.