Author has written 1 story for Law and Order: UK.
ncis, merlin, big bang theory, robin hood, primeval, doctor who, torchwood, eureka, heroes, gilmore girls, house, law and order uk, life on mars, ashes to ashes, friends, wild at heart, vampire diaries, scrubs, spooks, Supernatural, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sherlock
Harry Potter, lord of the rings, vampire diaries
ncis- Tony/Ziva, mcgee/abby
Merlin- Merlin/morgana, Arthur/Gwen, merlin/freya, Arthur/Merlin
big bang theory- Lenord/Penny
Robin Hood- Robin/Marian
Primeval- Connor/Abby, Nick/Jenny, Becker/Jess
Doctor who- Doctor/Romana, Rory/Amy, Jack/Martha, Micky/Martha, Jack/Donna, 11/River
Torchwood- Owen/Tosh, Jack/Ianto
Eureka- Zane/Jo, Jack/Allison
Gilmore Girls- Luke/Lorelai, Jess/Rory
House- House/Cuddy, Chase/Thirteen
Law and Order uk- Matt/Aleasha
Life on mars- Sam/Annie
Ashes to Ashes- Gene/Alex, Cris/Shaz
friends- Monica/Chandler, Ross/Rachel
wild at heart- Danny/Sarah, Danny/Alice, Max/Rosie, Du'pesis/Caroline, Thabo/Olivia
Vampire Diaries- Damon/Elena, Tyler/Caroline, Stefan/Katherine, Jeremy/Anna, Alaric/Jenna, Damon/Rose, Elijah/Katherine, Jeremy/Bonnie, Stefan/Caroline
Scrubs- JD/Elliot, Turk/Carla, Dr Cox/Jordan
Spooks- Adam/Ros, Adam/Fiona, Lucas/Ros, Harry/Ruth
Supernatural- John/Mary, Dean/Jo, Sam/Jessica, Sam/Madison, Sam/Sarah, Bobby/Crowley, Dean/Castiel, Sam/Gabriel, Bobby/Sheriff Mills
BtVS- Buffy/Spike, Buffy/Angel, Giles/Jenny, Willow/Tara, Xander/Anya, Willow/Oz
We LOVE Supernatural
We want to rock in the Impala
We watched Dean go to hell and back,
We watch these two brothers battle against all odds,
We can quote episodes,
You say Gossip Girl, I say Supernatural
You say Miley Cyrus, I say Misha Collins
You say Demi and Joe, I say Dean and Lisa
You say vampires and werewolves, I say angels and demons
You say pink, I say black
You say Mustang, I say Impala
You say Team Edward, I say Team Free Will
You say jerk, I say bitch
You say Pattison, I say Winchester
You know you're obessed with SUPERNATURAL when...
You know the Winchester family history better than your own
You refer to your little brother/sister as a bitch and expect them to say jerk back
You dream of having your own 1967 Chevy Impala
Your parents have to keep buying salt because it just "disappears"
Your saving up to buy Dean
You have a playlist on your iPod that is "Songs Played on Supernatural"
You plan on making a trip to Stull Cemetery and/or Lawrence, Kansas
You are beginning to speak Latin
You can't watch the following movies: My Bloody Valentine, Devour, Friday the 13th, New York Minute, Christmas Cottege, Ten Inch Hero, or House of Wax: without saying it's Sam and Dean
When you hear the song "Angel's Amoung Us", you instantly look for Zack and Cas
You get excited if you're going to stay in a motel
You refuse to even stay in the same house of someone who owns a white night gown
Your music consist of "mullet rock"
When the lights flicker, you are instantly trying to salt the doors and windows
You've practiced the angel banishing symbol
You are going to school to be a teddy bear doctor
You dream of traveling cross country with nothing but a duffel bag full of clothes and a shot gun
You're torn between being a Sam girl or a Dean girl, so you became a Sam/Dean girl!
THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM SUPERNATURAL:
1. Witches are whores.
Dean: Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cake hole.
Andrea: It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.
Dean: Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help yoga crap.
Dean: Your half-caf, double vanilla latte is getting cold over here, Francis.
Missouri: Boy, you put your foot on my coffee table, I’m gonna whack you with a spoon.”
Dean: Who do you think is a hotter psychic: Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt or you?”
Sam (on why he’s a hunter): I had a crappy guidance counselor."
Dean: Dude, you fugly."
Dean: I hope your apple pie is freakin’ worth it.”
Dean: “I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.”
Dean: That fabric softener teddy bear? Oh, I’m gonna hunt that little bitch down.”
Sam: "I miss conversations that didn’t start with 'this killer truck.'"
Dean: "Next time you wanna get laid, find a girl that’s not so buckets-of-crazy, huh?"
Dean: "People believe in Santa Claus. How come I’m not getting hooked up every Christmas?"
Sam: What kind of a house doesn't have salt? Low sodium freaks!”
Dean: "I think I'll pass on the seventy two virgins, thanks. I'm not that into prude chicks anyway."
Dean: “My name is Dean Winchester. I ‘m an Aquarius. I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach and frisky women. And I did not kill anyone.”
Sam: “This is the dumbest thing you've ever done."
Dean: "Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?"
Sam: “What do you wanna do, poke her with a stick? Dude! You're not gonna poke her with a stick!”
Dean: I think I learned a valuable lesson: Always take down your Christmas decorations after New Year's, or you might get filleted by a hooker from God.
Dean: Dude, you full-on had a girl inside you for like a whole week. That’s pretty naughty
Dean: “What's a P.A.?"
Sam: You know, maybe the spirits are trying to shut down the movie because they think it sucks. Because, I mean, it kinda does.”
Dean: Hey, see if they've got any pie. Bring me some pie. I love me some pie."
Dean: “I’m Batman!”
Dean: Snow White? I saw that movie. The porn version anyway. There was this wicked Stepmother. Woo, she was wicked.”
Dean: I'm gonna go stop the Big Bad Wolf. Which is the weirdest thing I've ever said.”
Dean: You fudgin' touch me again, I'll fudgin' kill you!
Sam and Dean (in unison): “Yeah right. Nice guess. It wasn't guess. Right, you're a mind reader. Cut it out Sam. Sam! You think you're being funny but you're being really, really childish. Sam Winchester wears make-up. Sam Winchester cries his way through sex. Sam Winchesters keeps a ruler by the bed and every morning when he wakes up … OK, enough!"
Henriksen: “I shot the sheriff."
Dean: "Hey, Ed, listen to me. There's some salt in my duffel. Make a circle and get inside."
Dean (on why he got out of hell): I'd like to think it's because of my perky nipples.
Dean (to Cas): "What visage are you in now? Holy tax accountant?"
Dean: Sammy, wherever you are, mom is a babe. I'm going to hell ... again.
‘Dracula’ (to pizza delivery boy): Ah, you have brought a repast. Excellent. Continue to be of such service, and your life will be spared
Dean: Oh, I'm not carrying that. It could go off. I'll man the flashlight.”
Dean: And you, you're gassy! You eat half a burrito, and you get toxic!
Ruby: This body is 100 percent socially conscious. I recycle. Al Gore would be proud."
Sam: "She was convinced that he wasn't her real daddy."
Dean: The whistle makes me their god.”
Dean: Details are everything. You don’t want to go fighting ghosts without any health insurance.”
Sam: There's actually fans. Not many of them, but still. For fans, they sure do complain a lot."
Dean: Oh yeah, life as an angel condom. That's real fun. I think I'll pass, thanks.”
Castiel (on Gods location) “No, he's not on any flatbread.”
Dean: "Last time you zapped me someplace, I didn't poop for a week.
Dean: “You were wasted by a teenage mutant ninja angel?”
Castiel: "Today, you're my little bitch."
Castiel: This isn’t funny, Dean. The voice says I'm almost out of minutes!
Dean: “She made us try on her panties. They were pink. And satiny. And you know what? We kind of liked it.”
Bobby: Brains trumps legs, apparently."
Bobby: Now have we done feeling our feelings? Because I'd like to get out of this room before we both start growing lady parts."
Game show host: "Mr. Trickster does not like pretty boy angels."
Dean: “Calm down? I am wearing sunglasses at night! You know who does that? No-talent douchebags! I hate this game! I hate that we're in a procedural cop show, and you want to know why? Because I hate procedural cop shows! There's like three hundred of them on television, they're all the freakin' same."
Hotel clerk: “One leather jacket, one sasquatch."
Sam: “Dude, you punched a cupid."
Zachariah: "In Heaven I have six wings and four faces, one of which is a lion."
Castiel: "I found a liquor store. And I drank it."
Castiel: It's starting.
Sam: When you sacrifice to Hold McCar, guess what he gives you in return?
Bobby: Do I look like a ditchable prom date to you?
Lucifer: Castiel, I'm told you came here in an automobile.
Sam(describing Dean and Bobby too Robin): I was with two guys. One was like a male model type and the other was an older guy named Bobby.
Soulless Sam(to Regular Sam): My God, am I really that gawky?
Balthazar: At least you mud fish finally got the angel proofing right. How’s Sleeping Beauty? You didn’t seal any kisses, I trust
Crowley: You seem even more constipated than usual
Dean: How the hell are we gonna take out that many angels?
Crowley: “Chocula here feels every tickle."
Dean to Sam: That makes you Lois Lane
Cas: Explaining freedom to angels is a bit like explaining poetry to fish
Cas: I’m an angel, you ass
Crowley(to Cas about the old Hell): Problem with the old place was most of the inmates were masochists already. A lot of ‘Thank you sir, can I have another hot spike up the jacksy.’
Crowley: Submit or die? What are you, French?
Bobby: Hi, glad to meet you. Bobby Singer, paranoid bastard
Balthazar: I was drinking a ’75 Dom out of a soprano’s navel when you called. That was important
Gabriel: Luci, I'm home
Gabriel: You think I'd give Kali my real sword? That thing can kill me
Sheriff Mills: I didn’t think you’d want him in here.
If you love Supernatural, copy this onto your profile.
If you hear voices of the characters in your head when you read...copy and paste this on your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile
If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have actually considered getting an Impala for your first car, copy this to your profile.
If you have ever fallen off a chair backwards, copy and paste this in your profile
If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you think rock, paper, scissors solves everything then put this in you’re profile!
If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vice versa copy this into your profile
If someone has ever said something to you that had nothing to do with your current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you know Dean’s monologue after Sam died by heart and have ever said it with him, copy this onto your profile.
If you cried during any given Supernatural episode, copy this onto your profile
You cannot listen to Eye of the Tiger now without trying to use your leg as a guitar. If this is true, copy this onto your profile.
If you are addicted to Supernatural, copy this onto your profile.
You're a 100% Sam girl and proud of it. If this is true, copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever made someone watch Jensen Ackles' performance of Eye Of the Tiger even if they don't know the show, copy and paste this onto your profile.
You can't listen to "Eye of the Tiger" anymore without cracking up.
When you hear songs like 'Back in black,' 'Highway to hell,' and 'Carry on wayward son,' Supernatural immediately comes to mind. If this is true, copy this onto your profile.
Whoever had the last laugh obviously didn't get the joke.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no way Paper can beat Rock. Is Paper supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? If so, why can't paper do this to scissors? forget scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they attempt to take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody, a rock would tear that crud up in two seconds. When I play rock/ paper/ scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my ready made fist and say, oh, I'm sorry, I thought paper would protect you.
I'm not clumsy... The floor just hates me.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice with them, then let the world wonder how the hell you did it.
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
FEMALE! Has a guy ever used a pick-up line, then here is your comeback.
Man: Where have you been all my life?
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Man: Is this seat empty?
Man: Your place or mine?
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together
Man: Your eyes they're amazing.
Man: Can I buy you a drink?
Man: How did you get to be so beautiful?
Man: Your face must turn a few heads.
Man: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Man: I think I could make you very happy.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Man: Can I have your name?
Man: Want to see a movie?
Man: I'm God's gift to women
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. Was learning cursive really necessary? It looks worse than my regular writing!
6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
11. Bad decisions make good stories.
12. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
13. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
14. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
15. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
19. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
40 Things To Do In An Elevator-
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside, and ask, "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in one corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to open the doors, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open by themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask them all to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at every floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises whenever someone else presses a button.
10. Stare, grinning, at another person for a while, then say, "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square with chalk on the floor then say to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person on the elevator, tap them on the shoulder then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug with the other passengers. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the buttons for other people, but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say that you're waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi, Greg. How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone bends to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend that you're a flight attendant, and review emergency exits with the other passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Yell, "Group hug!", then enforce it.
23. Make race car noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift as you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you just shup UP!"
26. Walk in with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!", then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring--don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say, "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take your shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, then say, "Is that your final answer?"
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask people what floor they want. Whenever they answer, give them a glare and say, "You should be ashamed of yourself!"
33. Ask loudly, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell different people that you can see their aura.
35. When the door closes, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Start breathing heavily and grab your chest when someone walks in. Then stumble out gasping for air.
38. If you are the only one in the lift, press all the buttons then stand and stare at the door, waiting for someone to come in.
39. If someone looks at you, laugh maniacally and tell them that you're there for the mental health convention.
40. Dress up in a long black cloak with a hood, stare at everyone, and in a deep voice announce: "It is time..."
Things to consider;
Have you ever considered suing your brain for non-support?
Who was so mean to put an "s" in the word "lisp" if people with lisps can't say the "s"?
Doctors say TV is bad for us, but why is there a TV in every hospital room?
If McDonald's loves to see you smile why do they screw up your order?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If con is the opposite of pro; is Congress the opposite of progress?
Donald Duck never wears pants, but why does he wraps a towel around his waist when he gets out of the shower?
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity-
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with your sunglasses on, aiming a hair drier at other cars. See if any of them slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom, but don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time that someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you aren't supposed to be sleeping, and are woken up, leap to your feet and shout, "Amen!"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field for all your checks, write, "for smuggling diamonds".
7. Finish all your sentences with, "in accordance to the prophecy".
8. Skip down the hall rather than walk, and see how many weird looks you get.
9. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a straight face.
10. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
11. Sing along at the opera.
12. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
13. Five days in advance, tell your friends that you can't attend their party because you have a headache.
14. When the money comes out the ATM, shout, "I won! I won!"
15. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot screaming, "Run for your lives! They're loose!"
16. Over dinner, tell your children, "Because of the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."
17. Avoid using punctuation
18. At a store, set all the clock radios to a polka station, turn the volume up, then set them to all go off at the same time.
19. Run around with a lamp shade over your head yelling, "The sun! It's dying!"
20. Claim that you always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your 'astronaut training'.
21. Do not add any inflection at the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment...
22. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
23. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling as they read.
24. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
25. Lie about obvious things, like the time of day.
26. Change your name to John Aaaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Tell everyone to pronounce each 'a'.
27. Ask your coworkers mysterious questions, then scribble the answers down in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
28. Construct elaborate crop circles on your own front lawn.
29. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
30. Honk and wave to complete strangers.
31. Tell people that their accent isn't fooling anyone.
32. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
33. Learn Morse code and have conversations with your friends in public consisting of 'Beeeep bip bip beeep bip...'
34. Pay for your meals with pennies.
35. Tie jingle bells to all your clothing.
36. Stare at static on TV and claim that you can see a "magic picture".
37. Phone McDonald's and try to make a reservation for the evening.
38. Phone random numbers and tell whoever answers that you are holding their daughter hostage.
39. Pretend you have gone completely deaf.
40. Walk into people's houses, head straight for the food, and help yourself without saying hello.
41. Try to fit the word "cornucopia" into every sentence.
42. Bark like a dog whenever someone says the word "the".
43. Ride a unicycle to work.
44. Always wear a long coat and boots whenever you go to the store, and occasionally mutter into your watch.
45. On a hot summer's day, ride up and down the sidewalk and fire at people with a squirt gun.
46. Move people's bookmarks ahead three pages without them knowing.
47. Throw newspapers back at paperboys.
48. When getting off an elevator, and seeing people getting on, quickly press a lot of random numbers.
49. Wash and scrub the trees in your front yard.
50. Go to poetry recitals and demand to know why none of the poems rhyme.
51. Stare at people for about five minutes, and make sure that they know you are staring. Then, slowly sneak up on them while humming the Mission: Impossible theme song.
This is the oath of a TRUE FRIEND!
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much Worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask;
Take Time To Read Each Sentence
This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now read the THIRD word of every line :)
¸.•´¸•´¨) ¸.•¨)¸.•´¸.•´¨) ¸.•¨)
What to Do During an Exam
1. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
2. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure that you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
3. Bring a Game Boy. Play with the volume at max level.
4. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
5. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
6. 15 min. into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every 15 min.
7. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
8. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
9. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
10. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
11. Every 5 min. stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
12. Turn in the exam approx. 30 min. into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
13. Get the exam. 20 min into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Darn this!" and walk out triumphantly.
14. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (ie. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go ice skating.)
15. Show up completely insane (completely insane means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
16. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
17. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 min, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
18. If the exam is math/sciences related, make up the longest proofs you could possible think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
19. Try to get people in the room to do a wave.
20. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice. (I would never do that)
21. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
22. Puke into your exam booklet. Hand it in. Leave.
23. Take 6 packages of rice cakes to the exam. Stuff at least 2 rice cakes into your mouth at once. Chew, then cough. Repeat if necessary.
24. Act spazzy
25. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About 5 min into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the heck are you? Where's the regular guy?"
26. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
27. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
28. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
29. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
30. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
31. In the middle of the test, have a friend rush into the classroom, tag your hand, and resume taking your test for you. When the teacher asks what's going on, calmly explain the rules of Tag Team Testing to him/her.
32. Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
33. Stand up after about 15 minutes, and say loudly, "Okay, let's double-check our answers! Number one, A. Number two, C. Number three, E..."
34. Fake an heart attack. When interrupted, apologize, and explain that question #_ moved you, deeply.
35. Wear a superman outfit under your normal clothes. 30 minutes into the exam, jump up and answer your phone, shouting "What? I'm on my way!!". rip off your outer clothes and run out of the room. strike a pose first for added effect.
36. Tailgate outside the classroom before the exam.
37. If your answers are on a scantron sheet, fill it out in pen.
38. Bring a giant cockroach into the room and release it on a girly-girl nearby.
39. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
40. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your pencil. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
41. Make Strange noises... get people to stare... look at the person next to you as if he/she did it.
42. Dress like the professor.
44. Use Invisible Ink to answer the whole exam.
45. Order catering. The catering company should come in about halfway through the test, and should include at least three waiters, eight carts of food, and five candelabras.
IN CASE YOU NEED FURTHER PROOF THAT THE HUMAN RACE IS DOOMED BECAUSE OF STUPIDITY, HERE ARE SOME ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS:
On a bag of Chips: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside ~~ The shoplifter special?
On a bar of Palmolive soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap". ~~ Which is how?
On some frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost".
On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down".
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating".
On packaging for a K-Mart iron: "Do not iron clothes on body".
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication".
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness".
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only". ~~ As opposed to?...
On a Japanese food processor:"Not to be used for the other use". ~~ Lol, anyone know what the other use is?
On Nobby's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts".
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts".
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly".
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals".
On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions: "Put on fork and eat." ~~ No! Really? We're supposed to eat food?!
On artificial bacon: "Real artificial bacon bits". ~~ So we don't get fake fake bacon. Oh no we get real fake bacon.
Professor Flitwick … does not know where Snow White is.
Professor Snape … has no wish to get in touch with his ‘feminine side’.
Professor Lupin … has no need for a flea collar. Ever.
Professor Moody … the best ‘teaching’ Hoqwarts has seen in a while.
Professor McGonagall … does not take herself too seriously. It is a bad idea to tell her.
Professor Dumbledore … should be referred to as ‘Professor’, ‘Headmaster’ or ‘Sir’, not ‘Dude’, ‘My Leige’ or ‘Tim the Enchanter’.
Harry Potter … is more Emo than Draco Malfoy.
Draco Malfoy … disagrees.
Hermione Granger … has PMS and a wand.
Ron Weasley … is very afraid.
Luna Lovegood … is perfectly sane, thanks very much.
Ginny Weasley … wants her Hogwarts toilet seat.
Fred Weasley … knows if he and his twin giggle at an idea for more than fifteen seconds, they may assume that it’s against the rules and therefore should not carry it out.
George Weasley … knows he and his twin will carry it out and are not remotely sorry.
Lily Evans … swears she is not in love with James Potter.
James Potter … doesn’t believe her.
Remus Lupin … would prefer less jokes about ‘his time of the month’.
Sirius Black … killed by drapery.
Andromeda Black … is going to marry a muggle – screw the consequences.
Bellatrix Black … is quietly going insane.
Narcissa Black … would like a new hairbrush.
Voldemort … does not think it would be funny if HP were to put on earmuffs and pulled out a mandrake in his presence.
Gryffindors … will jump off a cliff.
Slytherins … will push someone else off.
Hufflepuffs… will call five hundred others and build a staircase.
Ravenclaws … will get hold of a flying carpet.
24 Things I owe to my Mother
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
3. My mother taught me LOGIC.
4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
6. My mother taught IRONY.
7. My mother taught me about THE SCIENCE OF OSMOSIS.
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
14. My mother taught me about ENVY.
15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
17. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
18. My mother taught me about ESP.
19. My mother taught me HUMOR.
20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
21. My mother taught me GENETICS.
22. My mother taught me about MY ROOTS.
23. My mother taught me WISDOM.
24. My mother taught me JUSTICE.
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