The first fanfic I ever read was Innocent, Vigilent, Ordinary. It was a really good story but I have to say I got mad. A lot. I'm not exactly team Jacob because they are obviously in love (no matter how stupid they both are) so just leave them alone but Edward is annoying (and stalkerish) too. So I'm not really on a side.

I absolutely hate Breaking Dawn. What made it completely and totally stupid to me was Jacob bringing Charlie into the picture after Bella was changed, that was probably about the dumbest thing a Stephanie could do, hell it was the dumbest thing ANYONE could do, and I already didn't like that they had a baby. And for those of you who are actually taking the time to read this and you're wondering why, it's because Bella would've completely forgotten about Charlie and they would've spared her unnessecary pain but noooooooo they just had to bring Charlie into after she was a vampire and vampires don't forget for those of who did not know, they do not forget, and now Charlie will die and Bella will be sad and everyone will realize that could've all been avoided if they hadn't been STUPID! And now I shall conclude my rant with a question, Why? Just why?

These people are absolutely hell-bent on making me cry. I just clicked on Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone because there was nothing else on. Then it hit me. It's over. No more books. No more movies. That was it. It's over. I somehow managed to keep myself from crying just then. But I then saw about ten commercials for the DVD and I bawled like a baby.

Name: Jayla (not my real name)

Location: STALKER!

Gender: Female

I've been forgetting to put disclaimers on my stories so I DO NOT OWN TWILIGHT, HARRY POTTER, OR ANY OTHER STORY I MAY HAVE WRITTEN FOR, I DO NOT NOW AND I PROBABLY NEVER WILL!

I always update as soon as I finish a chapter so if the dates are uneven thats why.

I've also developed a strange interest in Greek and Egyptian mythology.

FAVORITE BOOKS: Twilight, House of the Night, Prophecy of the Stones, Gallagher Girls, Daughters of the Moon, Septimus Heap, Harry Potter, Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel

FAVORITE MUSIC ARTISTS: Paramore, The Veronicas, Avril Lavigne, Beyonce, The Pussycat Dolls, TI, Trey Songs, VersaEmerge, Hey Monday

FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Victorious, iCarly, Shake It Up, Avatar, Nine Lives of Chloe King, Pretty Little Liars. I could go on forever

I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no freaking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that thing up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shoot, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you!"

On a Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping. (why?! will it eat me?!).

On a bag of Fritos!
..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?

On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because?...)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

On T-Rat (Military food):
Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only... (Umnn yeah... isn't military also human)

The Stupid Test! Teehee. (put an x next to the one that is you, than in the end, add up all of the x's. if you have 18 or less, than u r not stupid.) p.s. this is not a real test, just something for fun!

(X) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were talking.

(X) Gum has fallen out of your mouth when you were NOT talking.

(X) You have run into a glass/screen door.

() You have jumped out of a moving vehicle.

(X) You have thought of something funny and laughed, then people gave you weird looks.

total=4

(X) You have run into a tree.

() It IS possible to lick your elbow

() You just tried to lick your elbow.

(X) You never knew that the Alphabet and Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star have the same rhythm.

(X) You just tried to sing them.

(X) You have tripped on your shoelace and fallen.

(X) You have choked on your own spit.

(X) You have seen the the Matrix and still don’t get it.

(X) You didn’t notice that in the last question “the” was spelled twice

(X) You just looked at it.

() Your hair is blonde/dirty blonde/has blonde in it.

(X) People have called you slow.

total so far= 13

(X) You have accidentally caught something on fire

() You tried to drink out of a straw, but it went into your nose/eyes/cheek.

(X) You have caught yourself drooling.

(X) You’ve fallen asleep in class

() If someone says “fart” you laugh.

() You just laughed.

total so far= 16

(X) Sometimes you just stop thinking

(X) You tell a story and forget what you were talking about

() People are often shaking their heads and walking away from you

(X) You are often told to use your “inside voice”.

() You use your fingers to do simple math.

total so far= 19

(X) You have eaten a bug. (I didn't actually eat it, I was yelling after my friends and it flew into my mouth, I didn't even swallow it)

(X) You are taking this test when you should be doing something important

(X) You have put your clothes on backwards or inside out, and didn’t realize it

(X) You’ve looked all over for something and realized it was in your hand, pocket, head, etc.

total so far= 23

(X) You sometimes post bulletins because you are scared that what they say will happen to you if you don’t even when you know it won’t happen to you.

(X) You break a lot of things. (Not a lot, a lot.)

() Your friends know not to use big words around you

(X) You sometimes tilt your head when you’re confused

(X) You have fallen out of your chair before

(X) When you’re lying in bed, you try to find pictures in the texture of the ceiling

Total - 28

Apparently I am a complete and total idiot.

there were 3girls

They were looking through peoples
MySpaces.

The girl slowly came upon this one

myspace.

It had creatures in the background and the man
looked like a psycho.

She started laughing with her friend commenting on how ugly he was.

Right then, an instant message came up.

It said:

92% percent of the teen population would be dead by now
if a superstar said it wasn’t cool to breathe.
Attach this to your profile if you’re part of the 8%
that would be laughing their heads off.

SatanStalker: So how do u like my
MySpace??

XxLoVemExX: What??

XxLoVemExX: Who is this anyway??

SatanStalker: Well, you should know;
youre looking at my MySpace right now.

XxLoVemExX: How do you know that im looking at ur pro??

SatanStalker:I know when people look at my MySpace.

XxLoVemExX: What? That doesnt make
any sense, how?

SatanStalker: I just do.

Satanstalker: Especially to pretty girls like you.

Satanstalker: With very nice legs I might say.

At the time the girl was wearing high
shorts.

She started to pull them down a little bit to cover what
ever she could. Her and her friend started to get
worried now.

XxLoVemExX: Ok whatever man youre starting to scare the living sht out of me.

SatanStalker: You should be afraid.

SatanStalker: You wouldnt want an ugly guy like me touching your legs huh? I mean thats what you
just said about me with your friend like a
minute ago.

They were in shock.

Her friend: Holy crap man just block him
hes a fcking psycho!

The girl: Ok holy crap, you think hes
watching us?

SatanStalker: I am.

SatanStalker: Well it wouldnt really
matter if you blocked me anyway; it wouldnt stop me
from coming to your house.

XxLoVemExX: What? My house?

SatanStalker: Yeah, youre alone so its
not a problem.

XxLoVemExX: Ok I think Im going to leave now because youre freaking me out.

SatanStalker:

Your screen name says
love me, trust me that wont be a problem.

SatanStalker has just signed off.

The girl and her friend were really
scared. Girls

friend: Whatever lets just go upstairs trust me I doubt hes really coming. Its just a joke from someone.

They went upstairs and were having a pillow fight.

All of a sudden the girls friend said she had to go to the bathroom. The girl said ok.

Ten minutes later the girl noticed that her friend was
still in the bathroom and was wondering what was up.

She goes and knocks but no one said
anything

she opens it and finds her friend there on
the ground dead. She started to scream but when she
turned around he was there. News the next morning said that there was one girl dead in the bathroom;

her neck slice

d with blood all over the ground. with her head nailed to the wall. Just her head.

If you do not repost this in the next two
minutes here will be three men, one in your
bathroom,

one in your room, and one killing your parents at that
very moment.

Tonight at 1:30am. Well what are you waiting for?

Repost or you are going to die.

PREP

X You own a cell phone.
you own something from Abercrombie
You own something from Pacsun
you own something from Hollister
You own something from American Eagle
You love/like going to the mall.
X You own an iPod/MP3 player.
XYou love Starbucks.
You have been called a brat.
You hate buying things that are on sale
You have more than one house
total: 3

GOTHIC

X Black is one of your favorite colors.
X You have thought about death.
X You wear chains.
You like heavy metal.
You've shopped at Hot Topic.
You have worn black lipstick.
X Your hair was/is dark.
X You dislike preps.
You're an athiest/ satanist/agnostic.
total: 5

PUNK

X You can skateboard
X You've worn plaid.
X you like Converse
you hate MTV
You have/had blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair. - (streeks count)
X You dislike pink.
X You hate/dislike preps.
X You wear/wore skateboarding shoes.
total:7

GEEK

X You love the computer.
X You like Harry Potter.
X you are supposed to wear glasses/contacts
X You get straight A's.-(most of the time, not always)
X You love/like reading.
You were/are in band
You don't care what you look like.
You have a curfew.
You always do your homework.
you never miss school unless you're sick.
total:5

Athletic
X You watch/watched the Superbowl.
X You own track shoes or other sports related shoes.
You collect your jerseys.
you have a wall or shelf dedicated to your trophies / awards
You have posters or plaques of famous athletes.
your garage consists of sports equiptment
You belong/belonged to a school team.
You are going/did go to a sports summer camp.
You have a specific number
total:2

HARDCORE//scene

X You like loud music
You love/loved the Ninja Turtles
You never walk anywhere.
you wear slip-on shoes.
You wear/wore Vans.
You like the band panic! at the disco.
You wear band t-shirts.
X People have called you a freak and meant it.
You love to "hardcore" dance
hair has been died more than 1 color--dark red, orange red, black, blue, and purple
total: 2

Your guy side:

X You love hoodies.
X You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
X It's hilarious when people get hurt.
X You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
X Sad movies suck.
You own/ed an X-Box.
X Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
X You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
X You watch sports on TV.
X Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.
You used to/do collect football/baseball cards.
Baggy pants are cool to wear.
X It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
X Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
X You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
X Sports are fun
X Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night

TOTAL: 14

YOUR GIRL SIDE:

X You wear lip gloss/chapstick.
X You love to shop.
X You wear eyeliner.
Go to your mom for advice.
X You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
X You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars.
X You were/are in gymnastics/dance
It takes you around/more one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
X You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
X You care about what you look like
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
X You love the movies.
Used to play with dolls as little kid.
Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of everything You wear the color pink

Total: 9

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION - RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

10 Commandments of a Teenager

1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow...just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, "just do it")
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leave'm in the middle)

If your friends are WEIRD put this on your profile

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile.

If you've ever busted a move/ burst into song, copy and paste this into your profile

If you have ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this into your profile

IF you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.

If you have a friend that thinks Twilight is stupid, copy & paste this into your profile.

Emmett Cullen: Stronger Than You Since 1916!

If you think that disclaimers are the most annoying things EVER Copy and paste this to your profile

If you are a serial killer, GET THE HECK AWAY FROM ME. If you are a cereal killer,GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY CHERRIOS.

"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda"

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?

Spectrum - Florence The Machine

(Okay?)

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?

I Miss You - Miley Cyrus

(I like to think that I don't spend to much time thinking about lost love.)

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?

Holding Out For A Hero - Frou Frou

(I would like someone I could depend on.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?

Fearless - JoJo

(Life is for the fearless. Unforunately, I'm not.)

What is you life Motto?

Chemicals React - Aly & AJ

(I don't really think that this can a motto.)

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?

Should've Tried Harder - Hey Monday

(Hopefully not.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?

Belong Here - 78Violet

(Yep. All the time.)

WHAT IS 22?

Moments Between Sleep - VersaEmerge

(Well. What were the odds that my song would be called 4?)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?

Time of Our Lives - Miley Cyrus

(I guess this is true.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Get Sexy - Sugababes

(I actually started laughing when I saw this.)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?

Do It - Nelly Furtado

(I hope this is not my life story.)

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?

Teenage Dream - Katy Perry

(I think it's in the title.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?

Run, Run, Run - Natasha Bedingfield

(This is actually true.)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?

Ave Mary A - P!nk

(I hope this is what they think.)

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?

Everything About You - One Direction

(I don't even really like this song. It just came with the album.)

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?

Because Of You - Kelly Clarson

(So, my husband killed me? I am a little confused.)

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?

Mamma Knows Best - Jessie J

(A little depressing.)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?

Landscape (Demo) - Florence The Machine

(I think that this is a little too true. Almost scarily true.)

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?

Girl With One Eye - Florence The Machine

(This is a little. I don't really think of my friends that way.)

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?

Are We There Yet - Ingrid Michaelson

(This is not that bad. It's actually pretty good.)

HOW WILL YOU DIE?

So Good - B.O.B.

(I am never going on vacation.)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?

Perfection - Oh Land

(I love this song but I don't think that my regret would be never striving to be a clone of someone else.)

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?

Revenge Is Sweeter (Than You Ever Were) - The Veronicas

(This isn't really funny...)

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?

Do It Like A Dude - Jessie J

(This is more perverted than sad.)

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?

The Only Exception - Paramore

(I am so sure that that's a yes.)

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?

Fuck You - Cee-Lo Green

(This isn't really scary.)

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?

Cheer Me Up - Natasha Bedingfield

(Yes?)

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?

Hangover - Hey Monday

(I'm not sure this is something that I would want to change.)

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?

Animal - Ellie Goulding

(I don't think that this would hurt.)

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?

Make Some Noise - Hannah Montana

(Yeah, right.)

Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."

Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."

Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."

Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."

Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."

Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"

Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"

Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"

Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."

Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."

Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."

Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?

'Never Argue With A Woman'

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am.What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?').

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think

Your One and Only Wish

Do it one by one, don't look ahead

1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.

2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?

3. Your first initial?

4. Your month of birth?

5. Which color do you like more, black or white?

6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.

7. Your favorite number?

8. Do you like California or Florida more?

9. Do you like the lake or the ocean more?

10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).

Are you done? If so, scroll down (don't cheat--)

THE ANSWERS

1. You are completely in love with this person.

2. If you choose:

Red: You are alert and your life is full of love.

Black: You are conservative and aggressive.

Green: Your soul is relaxed and you are laid back.

Blue: You are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.

Yellow: You are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.

3. If your initial is:

A-K: You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.

L-R: You try to enjoy life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.

S-Z: You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.

4. If you were born in: Jan.-Mar.: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.

Apr.-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.

July-Sept.: You will have a great year and will experience a major life changing experience for the good.

Oct.-Dec.: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soulmate.

5. If you choose...

Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.

White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.

6. This person is your best friend.

7. This is how many close friends you have in a lifetime.

8. If you choose... California: You like adventure. Florida: You are a laidback person.

9. If you choose...

Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love. And you are very reserved.

Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.

10. This wish will come true only if you RE-POST THIS BULLETIN in one hour and it will come true before your next birthday

If someone looks at you funny, flip them the finger.

When someone tells you to act your age, yell at the top of your lungs "I AM!"

If a parent/guardian asks you, "What did you learn at school today?" answer, "I learnt how to survive it."

Never suffer from insanity, enjoy every minute of it.

Remember that all actions have reactions... (You don't wanna know why I put this in here, believe me!)

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Say to them, "Well of course it is! Why the hell would I keep looking for it after I found it?!"

While waiting at a bus stop, if someone asks you, "Has the bus come yet?" reply, "If the bus had come, I wouldn't be standing here now would I?"

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

To attract men, wear a perfume called New Car Interior.

Heaven doesn't want me and Hell is afraid I'll take over.

They say "guns don't kill people; people kill people", but I think guns help. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you would kill too many people.

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real. You want a perfect girl? Go buy a Barbie.

I'd rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I'm not.

Having the love of your life say "We can still be friends" is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.

She's my best friend. Break her heart and I'll break your face.

(Say to a boy:) Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder.

I'm the type of girl that manages to plan a whole world domination in Histroy class.

I'm the type of girl who will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened a year ago.

It's us versus the world...we attack at dawn!

Real friends don't let you do stupid things... alone.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

you cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

If you've ever run down an "up" escalator, paste this onto your profile.

If you've ever run up a "down" escalator, paste this into your profile

92 percent of American teens would die if Abercombie and Fitch told them it was uncool to breathe. Copy this in your profile if you would be the 8 percent that would be laughing your ass off.

The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK,When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism.

Take Time To Read Each Sentence

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now read the THIRD word of every line.

Ha ha u fell for it!!

A girl and a guy were speeding, on a motorcycle, over 90 mph on the road...

Girl: Slow down. I'm scared

Guy: No, this is fun.

Girl: No, it's not. Please, you're really scaring me!

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!

Guy: Now give me a big hug.Girl hugs him

Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? It's bugging me.

(In the paper the next day)

A motorcycle crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on it, but only one survived.

The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his brakes went out, but he didn't want to let the girl know.
Instead, he had her say she loved him & felt her hug one last time, then had her wear his helmet so that she would live even though it meant that he would die.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

1. Children's Asprin: Warning: Keep Away From Children

2. Peanuts: Warning: Product May Contain Nuts

3. Curling Iron: Warning: Do not use while sleeping

4. Candle: Warning: Warning, A burning candle is fire

5. Frozen Pizza: Warning: Do not eat before cooking

6. Blanket from Taiwan: Warning: Not To Be Used As Protection From A Tornado

7. Frisbee: Warning: May Contain Small Parts

8. Butcher Knife: Warning: Keep Out of Children

9. Railroad Sign: Warning: Beware! To touch these wires is instant death. Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted.

10. Hair Coloring: Warning: Do not use as an ice cream topping

11. Dial Soap: Warning: Use like regualr soap

12. Sleeping Pills: Warning: May Cause Drowsiness

13. Puzzle: Warning: Some Assembly Required

14. Japanese Food Processor: Warning: Not to be used for the other use

15. On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(Shoot, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

16. On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?

17. On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion).

18. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

19. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought??...)

20. On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time)?

21. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

22. On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because??...)

23. On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what)?

24. On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious)

25. On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

26. On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, ooh...fly Delta?)

27. On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

28. On a Korean kitchen knife-- "Warning: keep out of children."
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation..)

29. On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my ..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity

Things guys should know about girls!
Men Need To Understand These Things

1. Don't ever lie to us; we always find out. (CARDINAL RULE)

2. Don't say you understand when you don't.

3. Girls are petty; get over it. We like to start fights.

4. You don't have PMS, so don't act like you know what it's like. Don't try to understand...believe me you never will.

5. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.

6. We don't like it when you act like Mr. Big.

7. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.

8. It's good to be sensitive sometimes.

9. If you did something wrong or even if you didn't, apologize.

10. Be spontaneous; dinner and a movie won't always cut it, but it is extremely sweet.

11. We are self-conscious by nature; we can't help it.

12. We are Drama queens; never forget that.

13. Fashion police do exist.

14. We absolutely DO NOT care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball, or anything else you and your friends talk about.

15. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.

16. We don't shave our legs everyday: get over it.

17. Don't make bets about us; we always find out; you may think we don't know, but WE DO!

18. Shave! No matter how cool you think your goatee or beard or mustache looks, we hate it. We like clean-cut men.

19. Even if you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emit other strange gases from your body, it is not.

20. Don't compare us to Pamela Anderson; parts of her are fake, just remember that. (Remember: you have a better shot at us than you ever will have with her.)

21. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.

22. We are beautiful at all times.

23. We will always think we are fat, so humor us and tell us we aren't.

24. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick, so why can't you aim in the toilet and not on it.

25. Most importantly: we are always right in one way or another so don't forget that!

26. we have an excuse to act bitchy once a month; you dont.

For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is when you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you what you are doing that is so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour-long sob fest, and then start singing and dancing when your favorite song comes on. Crazy is when you do or say a completely random thing, like "Do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?" or having a thumbwar with yourself. Crazy is when you type up all your favorite sayings, print them off and tape them to your wall, just for something to do. Crazy is when you memorize the complete biographies and physical traits of every character in Twilight (or almost, at least). Crazy is when you write Emmett or Edward Cullen is hot on your homework insted of doing it. Crazy is downloading all of Twilight and New Moon off the books on C.D. from the libary, and listning to them over and over again. Crazy is when you dont say a thing about yourself in your fanfiction bio but insted yell random things that make you lafe. Crazy is when you start getting antisocial because you want to read instead of hanging out with your friends. Crazy is when you laugh about how Edward Cullen thinks Bella is DEAD in New Moon, even though it's a very serious matter, and your sister hears you and asks why you're laughing so loud and you tell her and she just cries about it because she thinks it's sad. Crazy is when you headbang to a slow song, or become odsessed with the song "Let it Die" by Three Days Grace because it reminds you of Edward Cullen for some odd reason. Crazy is naming your winter jacket Mr. Puffy and your best friend naming hers Mrs. Puffy and letting them marry for the winter. Then at the end of the winter, they both retire and divorce each other. Crazy is when you are taking a math test and go over on ur scrap sheet of paper to work out the problem, and start drawing spirals until the teacher goes five minutes left! Crazy is having a major arguement with your friend...and i mean major...its still going on and it has already been a year...about which one is better: pudding or jello. Crazy is when you start laughing until you butt falls off for no apparent reason and your mom comes in the room and goes like, "What the hell is going on?" Crazy is if you suddenly yell, 'PARTY IN MY TUMMY!' and everyone stares at you in Pre-Algebra class. crazy is if you bark at a ballon; because baloons dont get scared... If you're crazy, copy this onto your profile and add something crazy you've done to the list...

A True Boyfriend:

When she walks away from you mad
Follow her. When she stares at your mouth
Kiss her. When she pushes you or hits you
Grab her and don't let go. When she starts cussing at you
Kiss her and tell her you love her. When she's quiet
Ask her whats wrong. When she ignores you
Give her your attention. When she pulls away
Pull her back. When you see her at her worst
Tell her she's beautiful. When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don't say a word. When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind. When she's scared
Protect her. When she lays her head on your shoulder
Tilt her head up and kiss her. When she steals your favorite hat
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night. When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh. When she doesn't answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay. When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up. When she says that she likes you
she really does more than you could understand. When she grabs at your hands
Hold hers and play with her fingers. When she bumps into you
bump into her back and make her laugh. When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold. When she looks at you in your eyes
don't looks away until she does. When she misses you
she's hurting inside. When you break her heart
the pain never really goes away. When she says its over
she still wants you to be hers. When she re-post this bulletin
she wants you to read it - Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.- When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go- When she says she's OK don't believe it, talk with her- because 10 yrs later she'll remember you- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her- Call her before you sleep and afteryou wake up- Treat her like she's all that matters to you.- Tease her and let her tease you back.- Stay up all night with her when she's sick.- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid.- Give her the world.- Let her wear your clothes.- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.- Let her know she's important.

- Kiss her in the pouring rain.- When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
"Who's ass am I kicking babe?"If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :
Call you.
Kiss you.
Love you.
Text you.

Guys post as: "I'd be this boyfriend."
Girls post as: "A true boyfriend " or " what a boyfriend should do

Emmett Cullen: Stronger Than You Since 1916

Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies Since 1843

Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
Boy: No

Girl: Do you like me?
Boy: No

Girl: Do you want me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you cry if I left?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you live for me?
Boy: No

Girl: Would you do anything for me?
Boy: No

Girl: Choose-me or your life
Boy: My life

The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...

The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.

The reason why I don't like you is because I love you.

The reason I don't want you is because I need you.

The reason I wouldn't cry if you left is because I would die if you left.

The reason I wouldn't live for you is because I would die for you.

The reason why I'm not willing to do you anything for you is because I would do everything for you.

The reason I chose my life is because you ARE my life.

If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile

The phone will ring right after you repost!

SHE IS... an athlete, confident artistic, bold,

flexible, brave, determined, focused, hardworking,

motivated, strong, spunky, a team player, beautiful, amazing, agile,

fit, in control, having the time of her life ...A GYMNAST

FRIENDS AND BEST FRIENDS

FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.

FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!

FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you sayin "That was fun lets do it again!!"

FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.

FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."

FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...

FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you

FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."

FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.

FRIENDS: Are only through high-school /college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.

FRIENDS: Will help me find my way when I'm lost.
BEST FRIENDS: Will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions

FRIENDS: Will help me learn to drive.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.

FRIENDS: Will help me up when I fall down.
BEST FRIENDS: Will point and laugh because she tripped me.

FRIENDS: Will go to a concert with me.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kidnap the band with me.

FRIENDS: Hide me from the cops.
BEST FRIENDS: Are probably the reason they’re after me in the first place.

FRIENDS: Lets me make an idiot of myself in public.
BEST FRIENDS: Are up there with me making an idiot out of themselves too.

FRIENDS: Hug you and let you cry on their shoulder when a guy dumps you.
BEST FRIENDS: Look at you and say "I have a shovel in my tool shed. we gonna do this or what?"

A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"

A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will call him up and whisper, "Seven days..."

A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much?"

A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.

A good friend will ask you if you're okay when you're crying. A best friend already has a shovel ready to bury the loser who made you cry.

A good friend will offer you a soda. A best friend will dump theirs on you.

A good friend will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month. A best friend will throw you a tampon and push you in.

A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run, bitch, run!"

A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.

A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"

A good friend has never seen you cry. A best friend won't tell anyone else that you cried...just laugh about it in private with you when you aren't down anymore.

A good friend tells you she knows how you feel. A best friend just sits down and cries.

25 Reasons to Thank my Mother:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Why America has some issues (Yes, I live here but these are saddly true)

1. Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America...do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway
and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't
miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America...do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

10. Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America... are there fitness centers with escalators and steps to get inside

This is Bunny. Copy and paste him onto your profile to help him dominate the world!

Random Sarcastic Junk.

One day, I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, Then it hit me

Two men walk into a bar, The third one ducks.

Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.

Boys are like slinkeys. Useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.

It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone.

If life gives you lemons, make grape juice, and let the world wonder how you did it.

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up

Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust?

One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.

I'm not afraid of Death, what's it gonna do kill me?

If two wrongs don't make a right...try three.

When life gives you lemons, squirt them in the eyes of your enemies.

Don't knock on death's door, ring the doorbell and run- he hates that!

My knight in shining turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.

It's better to keep quiet and let someone think you're stupid, than to open your mouth and prove it.

It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt...then it's hilarious

if you talk about me i got some advice. click your heels 3 times and say 'i wish i had a life'!

OMG! i think i just saw a flying bird!

let me write that down in my 'things i dont really give f about' notebook.

yea you have the right to your own opinion, but i have the right to think your stupid.

warning: im sarcastic and i hurt peoples feeling sometimes, boo hoo. get over it.!
(i do try not to hurt their feelings though... usually)

i speak fluent sarcasm.

are yhu stoned
or just stupid.!

I don't obsess, I think intensely!

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

"Some see the glass half full, some see it half empty. Me? i just want to know who the hell is drinking my damn soda."

I dream of a better world...where chickens can cross roads without having their morals questioned.

"The greener grass on the other side is probably just artificial turf."

"Nothing worse than getting your pigtails shot off..."

"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."

"He who laughs last didn't get it."

Never knock on Death's door-ring the bell and run away. Death really hates that.

Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?

-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

-Education is important; school however, is another matter.

I had my soul removed to make room for sarcasm and I don't regret it.

-Boys are like trees - they take 50 years to grow up.

You cry, I cry. You laugh, I laugh. You jump off a cliff, I laugh even harder!

-Hello. You have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are, where you are from, and what you want so there is no need to leave a message.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them.

-The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

-I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor doesn’t exist.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

-Why is Charlie short for Charles if they are the same number of letters?

-Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might actually clean them?

-There are no stupid questions – just a bunch of inquisitive idiots.

-Politics is war without bloodshed. War is politics with bloodshed.

-High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw.

It takes 47 muscles to frown, 13 to smile and absolutely none to sit there with a dumb look on your face.

-People say satire is dead. It’s not dead. It’s alive and living in the White House.

-I’m not afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

-I do not deny everything.

-Sometimes the mind, for reasons we do not necessarily understand, just decides to go into storage.

Love me or hate me. Personally I could care less

-Isn't it ironic . . . we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who love us, and love those who hurt us

-Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.

-Do you want to know why I'm still on earth? Heaven kicked me out and hell is afraid I'll take over...

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

The road to success is always under construction.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.

Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like solitary confinement.

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.

No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.

I'm not so good with the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all commited suicide.

Sometimes I wonder "why is the frisbee getting bigger?" Then it hits me.

Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

When the going gets tough, the tough get duct tape

I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

Don't take life to serouly, no one gets out alive anyway

Life's tough...Get a helmet

I can be Mrs. Cullen, you can be Mrs. Black you can die and I can live forever!

I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!

SHUT UP VOICES!! or I'll poke you with the Q-tip again...

If Barbie's So Popular, Why Do You Have To Buy Her Friends

Life's Greatest Pleasure Is Doing What People Tell You Not To Do

Never Go To A Doctor Whose Office Plants Have Died

Everyone Is Entitled To Their Own Opinion, It Just That Your's Is Stupid

Man Invented Language To Satisfy Their Deep Need To Complain

Magic is the stuff Science hasn't made boring yet!

My WIZARD can beat up your VAMPIRE!!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

"Obstacles are put in our way to see if what we want is really worth fighting for."

"Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you."

"If you don't understand my silence, then you won't understand my words."

Forgive your enemies - it messes with their heads :P

I wouldn't have OCD if everyone else would just do things the right way.

Your shin (n): a device used to find furniture in the dark

Alice in Wonderland Oh! Is that the story of Alice before she went into the Asylum?

People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.

Sarcasm. It's easier than actually having to deal with stupid people.

An atheist is a person who believes in not believing anything.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

High School Musical 3 and Saw V were the two top movies at the box office when they opened. One depicted gruesome on screen torture. The other was about a guy with a saw

There are no stupid questions – just stupid people.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either

Things not to do at hogwarts! (well...not unless you have Harry's invisability cloak and the Marauders' Map or you are Fred and/or George)

1. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

2. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology.

3. “I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.

4. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

5. I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.

6. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

7. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

8. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless, tacky, and not a clever money-making concept.

9. I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.

10. Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny.

11. “Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

12. Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.

13. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

14. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight.

15. I am not a tribble Animagus.

16. I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

17. I do not weigh the same as a duck no matter what that Muggle movie says.

18. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

19. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

20. There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.

21. Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.

22. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

23. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

24. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say “NI”.

25. I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.

26. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”

27. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I it’s founder.

28. I am not allowed to order the kitchen house-elves to spit into all the food to “enhance the flavor”.

29. The proper way to report to my Teacher is “Yes, Sir” not “You can’t prove a thing!”

30. I am not allowed to add pictures of teachers I don’t like to Wanted Deatheater posters.

31. There is no house made of candy in the forbidden Forest and it’s wrong to say so to first years.

32. I shall not add “according to the prophecy” at the end of my sentences to raise my Divination grade.

33. I am not to ask Aragog how things with the wife are. Especially if his wife is Shelob.

34. “To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys” is not an appropriate career choice. Not even if I am a witch.

35. I will not call my wand “an elegant weapon from a more civilized age”.

36. It’s just cruel to tell Nearly Headless Nick that he’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached.

37. The four houses are not the Morons, the Barons, the Smartasses, and the Junior Death Eaters.

38. My headmasters name is Albus Dumbledore, not “Gandalf”.

39. I will not teach the house-elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

40. Yelling “to infinity and beyond” was only funny the first time I took off on my broom.

41. I will refrain from calling Harry and Ron “Frodo and Sam” and the Weasley twins “Merry and Pippin”.

42. Telling Draco Malfoy to “Make like a ferret and bounce” is always a bad idea.

43. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

44. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them.

45. I will stop sneaking out at night to look for Ents in the Forbidden Forest.

46. I am not allowed to flood the Chamber of Secrets, install an organ, wear half a mask and sing Andrew Lloyd Webber.

47. I will not tickle a sleeping dragon “just to see what happens”.

48. When being questioned by a member of the staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These aren’t the droids you are looking for”.

49. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter’s Firebolt.

50. I will not start singing and dancing in the middle of a class and blame that someone put the Imperious Curse on me.

51. I will not refer to the Accio Charm as “The Force”.

52. I will stop telling tree-huggers to go visit the Whomping Willow.

53. Loudly repeating “Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort” is not a good way to get the classroom quiet.

54. I must not sing “I’m off to see the wizard” every time I am sent to the headmasters office.

55. I must not throw Hermione’s copy of Hogwarts: A History out the window and then claim that it wanted freedom.

56. I will not tell Professor Trelawny that my teacup says she’s lying.

57. I must not convince first years that the new password to Gryffindor tower is “Petrificus Totalus” and must be recited with their wands pointed at themselves.

58. I will not jump up, yelling “VOLDEMORT, RUN!” in the middle of a Order of the Phoenix or DA meeting.

59. I will not tell Snape he needs to go to his “Happy place”.

60. I am not allowed to make lightsaber sounds with my wand.

61. I must not claim my X-Files tapes are “Auror Training Videos”.

62. Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

63. I will not set Ravenclaw house on the task of calculating the exact value of pi.

64. However tempting it may be, I will not send Voldemort a Christmas card telling him how much we all love him, even through these difficult times.

65. I will not point out to the house-elves how much sushi could be made of the giant squid.

66. I will not dress like Neville’s grandmother when going to the Halloween Party in Snape’s class.

67. I will not give Voldemort a toupee to hide his baldness.

68. I will not steal veritaserum from Snape’s store and add some to the teachers’ morning tea.

69. When asked a question by a teacher I will not point out that the answer is protected by a fidelius charm and I am not the secret-keeper.

70. Do not jump out at Mad-Eye Moody for a joke.

71. The phrase “Good dragon, nice dragon, please don’t kill me,” doesn’t work.

72. I must not point to the Dark Mark in the sky and shout “To the Batmobile, Robin!”

73. Making a fake journal and leaving it in Ginny’s dormitory is not funny.

74. I must not point at Voldemort and say “I taught him everything he knows.”

75. I will not tell Umbridge “Voldemort says, ‘Hi,’” every time I see her.

76. I should not tell Cho Chang Cedric came to me in a dream and wanted me to tell her something, but I woke up before he did.

77. I must not intentionally mispronounce Cho’s name as “Ho”.

78. I should not tell Umbridge that I have a kitten named “Fluffy” she would like to meet. But I will anyway.

79. I will not pay Professor Flitwick to run around yelling “Help, they’re after me lucky charms!”

80. I must not convince Cedric to wear a red shirt on the last task of the Triwizard Tournament.

81. My name is not “Dark Lord Happy Pants” and I will not sign my papers as such.

82. I will not follow my Potions instructions backwards “just for the heck of it”.

83. I should never ask Harry if his “Scar Senses” are tingling.

84. I must not lock all of the Gryffindor and Slytherin in a room and see which house comes out alive.

85. I will not call the Dark Lord “Tommy-boy”.

86. As Stan Stunpike learned, impersonating a death eater doesn’t “get you chicks”.

87. I will not crush up booger flavored jelly beans and put them in Draco’s pumpkin juice…after this time.

88. I will NOT bleach Lucius Malfoy’s Deatheater robes.

89. I must not fill Umbridge’s room with flies and then tell the headmaster “She was looking a little deprived, flies are what toads eat right?”

90. I must not call Potions “Home-Economics” in front of Professor Snape.

91. Telling Lockheart that there’s something in between his teeth will NOT get you out of DADA.

92. Do not ask Snape how to make a love potion!

93. I will not enchant a scarecrow and suit of armor to skip through the halls singing, “We’re Off to See the Wizard”.

94. I will not hit on Hermione while Ron is in the same room.

95. Ron Weasley does NOT know Kim Possible.

96. I will not say, “What’s the sitch?” into the Order’s two-way mirrors.

97. I will not ask Snape who dumped him and made him so cranky.

98. A hug is not all Snape needs.

99. I will not splash water in Professor McGonagall’s face, expecting her to melt.

100. I am not allowed to set a troll loose because I think it needs some fresh air.

101. I can not call Professor Snape “the Sheriff of Noghtingham”.

102. I will not tell students that can’t see Thestrals that they are about to attack us.

103. Harry’s resemblance to Davy Croccet is purely coincidental.

104. Dropping a bucket of water on Snape’s head was only funny the first time…and the second…and third. But the forth time! No way.

105. I am not to sing “That’s So Raven” when passing Ravenclaws in the corridors.

106. I must not grind with my broomstick. (Tony Hawk style!)

107. I will not tell Hermione that the Hogwarts library has burned in a fire.

108. I must not tell Bellatrix that Voldemort got married.

109. I am not allowed to run my hands through Snape’s hair.

110. I must not tell Umbridge that some centaurs have invited her to a party.

111. I shall not tell Snape, “There is a thing called shampoo in the world.”

112. I must not yell “She-who-must-not-be-named is coming!” every time Umbidge walks down the hall.

113. I shall not say, “I heard that if you hug Voldemort he won’t kill you,” to the first years.

114. Professor McGonagall likes her milk in a glass, not a saucer.

115. Saying, “Here puss, puss, puss, puss, puss,” is not the best way to get McGonagalls attention during class.

116. Wolf whistling at Lupin when he walks by is not funny.

117. I must not bewitch the door to Professor Snape’s office so that it will only open if he says, “Business in front; party in the back!”

118. Convincing Peeves to go into suits of armor and say, “I am your father” isn’t funny.

119. Telling Slytherin first years that to enter their common room they must point their wands strait up and say, “Morsmordre” is just plain mean.

120. I will not bewitch Umbridge’s hand to take her special quill and write: “I am a pompous, ugly toad” 10,000 times.

At least, that’s what I’ll tell her.

In fact, make it 100,000!

121. When I see Professor Umbridge, I will not say, “There you are, Trevor. Neville has been looking all over for you.”

122. Dementors don’t like it when you walk up to them and ask if they are the Ghost of Christmas-Yet-To-Come.

123. When someone pulls Godric Gryffindor’s sword out of the Sorting Hat, I will not say, “You have acquired the Master Sword.”

124. Saying, “Accio brooms” while first years are having flying lessons isn’t nice.

125. I am not to ask, “Voldemort: boxers or briefs?”

126. I am not allowed to say, “Accio Hermione’s panties!”

127. Mad-Eye Moody’s moto is “constant vigilance” not “custard pudding”.

128. I must not moon Professor Lupin. Even if his nickname is “Moony”.

129. I will not stick Bill Weasley’s hair to the ceiling with a permanent-sticking charm.

130. The resurrection stone is not materia.

131. Voldemort’s nickname is NOT “Filthy Half-Blood”.

132. “Rub-on aphrodisiac” is not one of the twelve uses of dragon’s blood.

133. i will not buy professer snape head n shoulders shampoo for christmas.

134. i will not skip down the hallway singing, "we're off to see the wizard!" whenever i'm sent to the headmasters office.

135. i will not tell Cedric he dies only to turn into a sparkling, emo vampire in a few years

136. i will not ask Lucius Malfoy why him and his friends let everyone call them 'vultures'

If you have wasted precious hours of your life reading this random crap that gets you a few giggles well... YOU'RE JUST LIKE ME!

The music quiz!

Instructions:

1. Turn on your i-pod, MP3 etc. and put the music on shuffle.

2. Answer each question with the title of the next song on the playlist. Got that?

1.) How am I feeling today?

One Thing - One Direction

2.) Where will I get married?

History Is Made At Night (SMASH Cast Version) - SMASH Cast

3.) What is my best friend's theme song?

Stupid Girls - P!nk

4.) What is/was high school like?

Hello Hello - Paramore

5.) What is the best thing about me?

G.N.O (Girl's Night Out) - Miley Cyrus

6.) How is today going to be?

Daddy - Beyonce

7.) What is in store for this weekend?

Hip Hop Star - Beyonce Feat. Big Boy & Sleepy Brown

8.)What song describes my parents?

Right Here - Miley Cyrus

9.) How is my life going?

Toy Soldier - Keri Hilson

10.)What song will they play at my funeral?

Everything Back But You - Avril Lavigne

(Hope not. I would come and haunt my children.)

11.) How does the world see me?

Healing - India.Arie

12.) What do my friends really think of me?

Falling Over Me - Demi Lovato

(I would be okay if some - namely the guys - of them thought this.)

13) Do people secretly like me?

Impossible To Love - JoJo

(You have to listen to the song. Soooo not the way it sounds.)

14.) How can I make myself happy?

Kicking and Screaming - Miley Cyrus

15.) What should I do with my life?

Single - Natasha Bedingfield

16.) Will I be happy?

For A Pessimist I'm Pretty Optimistic - Paramore

17.) What is some good advice?

Blazin' - Nicki Minaj

18.) What do I think my current theme song is?

Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry

19.) What does everyone else think my current theme song is?

Head Over Heels - Digital Daggers

20.) What type of men/women do you like?:

Like Whoa - Aly & AJ

21.) Will you get married?

Loves Embrace - Christina Aguilera

22.)What should I do with my love life?

Kingdom Come - The Civil Wars

23.) Where will you live?

SexyBack - Justin Timberlake & Timbaland

24.) What will your dying words be?

Energy - Keri Hilson

25.) Am I hot?

Chasing The Sun - The Wanted

26) What are your hobbies?

Stop The World - Demi Lovato

(I stopped listening to this song because I read City of Angels and afterwards everytime I heard it I thought about them and their incestuous ways. I got tired to flinching and shivering.)

27)Do you like sports?

Looking Up - Paramore

28)Do you talk a lot?

Holding Out For A Hero - Frou Frou

29)Do you like books?

Envy - Digital Daggers

30)Do you like yourself?

Weightless - Natasha Bedingfield

Reasons why girls are the best

1.We got off the Titanic first

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.(We don't usually picture guys naked. we picture what it would be like to kiss you then get over it and move on.)

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

Random Weirdness That Hardly Links.

Regular lions say ROAARR.

Angry lions say BLARGAROARIMMAEATYOU

Sad lions say roooaaar.

Mountain lions say: OMGEDWARDCULLENRUN

37 Things to do in an Elevator

1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it...quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, say in 'Who want to be a millionaire' style is that your final answer.
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "you should be ashamed of yourself!", and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."

ALL WORK IS ORIGINAL BY JED SABA! DO NOT COPY THIS AND USE IT WITHOUT GIVING ME (JED SABA) CREDIT!

50 Things To Do At The Movies

(Number 10 was changed...too many complaints)

1. Try to start a wave

2. Gasp every time there is a swear word.

3. Wear a huge Afro wig.

4. Every 15 minutes stand up and then sit back down.

5. Yell out to the screen “Don’t Do It!”

6. If there is a love scene, reach over in front of you and cover a random person’s eyes.

7. Stand in front of the screen motionless and face the audience the entire movie.

8. Scalp tickets outside the theater.

9. If a catchy song plays in the movie stand up and dance.

10. Bring an attachable seat-belt. Strap it to your seat and then clip it on yourself. Turn to the person next to you and say, "you never know".

11. Talk really loud on your cell phone.

12. Demand that somebody puts the volume up.

13. Sit at the back, raise your arms to the projector and make shadow puppets on the screen.

14. Bring a laser pen and shoot it at the screen.

15. Wear 3D glasses…no matter what the movie is.

16. Every time something crazy happens, turn to a random person and say, “did you see that?!”

17. Sit criss cross on the floor in the very front of the theater and look up at the screen.

18. Stand in the front corner facing the audience and do sign language translations.

19. Do the same thing stated above (#18) except translate the movie into Spanish for the audience.

20. As people enter the theater, make nametags for them.

21. After the movie go back to the ticket counter and demand a refund because the movie was terrible. Whether or not they give you a refund, buy another ticket for the same movie at a later showing.

22. Half way through the movie run down to the screen, touch it, and then run back to your seat
yelling, “I touched the screen! I touched the screen!”

23. Repeat the lines in the movie.

24. Accuse the person behind you of kicking your seat. Constantly demand that they stop even though they aren’t really kicking your seat.

25. Tape “reserved” signs on every single seat before the movie starts.

26. Get a large group of people and act out a wedding scene. (As if a couple were getting married in the theater) Make sure everyone is in costume, and that there is a bride, groom, priest, bridesmaids, best man, etc. Use the theater aisle as if it were a Church aisle and have a bride walk down to meet the groom standing at the front. Act out the entire scene as if they actually were getting married.

27. Sneak in chickens (find a way) then let them run around freely during the movie.

28. Laugh extremely loud at a line that wasn’t meant to be funny.

29. Wear a white sheet over yourself and cut holes for eyes (like a ghost) then creepily walk around with your arms out chanting “OOOoooOOOOO I am the ghost of the theater! ooooOOOOOooooOOOO!”

30. Ask the person who sells you the ticket to give you his/her autograph

31. Ask for a discount because you are single and entering alone

32. Wear sunglasses and a white cane and ask them how a blind person would be accommodated.

33. Bargain with the ticket price

34. Turn around to the person behind you and say, “Excuse me, can you please kick my seat? Thanks.” Once they start kicking your seat yell “HARDER! HARDER!”

35. Every so often, do an awkward moan.

36. Get the entire theater to sing happy birthday to a random person.

37. Every 10 minutes pretend something has impacted your life. Put your hand on your chest. Gasp, and as you nod your head look at the person next to you and say ”mmmmmmm!”

38. Stare at a random person next to you the entire time.

39. When buying your ticket, ask to pay half the price because you will be leaving half way through the movie.

40. Half way through the movie stand up and yell “DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS!?” and then run off.

41. Ask a random person next to you to explain the movie because you don’t get it.

42. Ask a random person to go buy you popcorn because you don’t want to miss the movie.

43. Before the movie starts get everyone to bow their heads as you lead them in prayer. Pray for the movie. While praying, extend your hands towards the screen.

44. Stand up in the middle of the movie and start a head count.

45. Run up and down the aisles making rocket ship noises

46. Eat the popcorn from a random person sitting next to you.

47. Yell out loud demanding that they pause the movie because you need to use the bathroom.

48. When something is really funny, don’t laugh, instead point at the screen and scream: “L-O-L L-O-L L-O-L!!”

49. Blow your nose into a tissue and then show the contents of the tissue to a random person sitting next to you saying, “Look what I did!”

50. As the credits roll and people start to leave yell, “No! Everyone! Don’t Go! There is Something After the Credits!” After the credits roll and there is nothing say “Just Kidding!” Then run out giggling.

Find the guy that calls you beautiful instead of hot,

who calls you back when you hang up on him,

who'll lay under the stars for hours and listen to your heart beat.

Or will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy that kisses your forehead,

who keeps your picture in his wallet,

who wants to show you off to the world even when your in sweatpants,

who holds your hand in front of all his friends,

who thinks your beautiful without makeup,

one who is constantly telling you of how much he cares and how is lucky to have you,

THE one who turns to his friends and says THAT'S HER!

A guy gets a girl 11 real roses and one fake rose. When he gave her the 12 roses, he said,"I'll love you until the last one dies."

Let's flip a coin-heads we'll be together, tails we flip again.

I agree with the dictionary. Girls before guys, partying before studying, and friends before love.

I'm not afraid of bloody murderers

I'm not afraid of hell

I'm not afraid of clowns trying to kill me

I'm not afraid of nightmares

I'm not afraid of crazy people

I'm not afraid of werewolf's

I'm only afraid of vampires with red eyes.

Can you raed tihs? Olny srmat poelpe can. I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. If you can raed tihs cpoy and ptsae

"Something" since 19-Something's (18-Something in Jasper's Case)

Edward Cullen: Sexier Than You Since 1901

Emmett Cullen: Stronger Than You Since 1916

Rosalie Hale: Better Than You Since 1916

Alice Cullen: Quirkier Than You Since 1901

Jasper Hale: Charming Ladies Since 1843

Bella Swan: Danger Magnet since 1987

Things Found Only in America

1. Only in America - can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America - are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America - do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America - do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America - do banks leave both doors to the vault open & then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America - do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway & put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America - do we use answering machines to screen calls & then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America - do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America - do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America - do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

TOP 8 REASONS WHY INSANIY IS AWSOME:
1. You're never alone. you can make up all the friends you want.
2. It's always easy to find someone to talk to. Inanimate objects are great listeners.
3. You don't need to try at all. People have low expectations of you.
4. You're never homeless. Insane asylums are warm and give you free food.
5. Fun times are easy to find. Pretend to be insane and see how many funny looks people give you on the street.
6. People are nicer when it's "not your fault, you're just crazy."
7. You can get away with anything just by pleading insanity.
8. Clothes aways fit. Straight jakets are one size fits all."

.10 Ways To Act Like A Retard
1. Pull on a "push" door.
2. Talk backwards
3. Say you're going to mow the cat and feed the lawn.
4. Say random things at random times... Oh look! Freddy the Polar Bear followed me home from the pizza store XD
5. When you hear your name say, Dumm Dumm DUMMM...
6. Go to an Itallion restaurant and ask for sushi.
7. Try to speak Japanese to a Spanish lady.
8. Try to pay with a credit card at McDonald's for a 1 thing.
9. Ask yourself a question and then answer it.
10. Run around with your eyes wide open yelling, "I'M A TREE STUMP!"

10 Ways To Be S-T-U-P-I-D:
1. Ask For Directions To A Place You're Already At.
2. Try To Order Pizza From McDonalds.
3. Get Hit By A Parked Car.
4. Try To Watch Saturday Cartoons On A Thursday.
5. Try To Sell Your Money.
6. Try To Play The Alphabet On The Piano.
7. Eat All You Can Eat At A Store.
8. Get Into A Fight With Yourself And Lose.
9. Try To Go Swimming Without Getting Wet.
10. Ask For Diet Water At A Restaurant

Real girls aren't perfect, perfect girls aren't real.

This is evil me. Evil me locked nice me in a closet years ago. Don't like it? LIVE WITH IT. lol.

Note to Self: Normal is just a setting on washing machines.

Boys that make you cry aren't worth crying over; boys that are worth crying over won't make you cry.

We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really good at one thing, staying strong

Put this in your profile if you didn't know the Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star had the same tune. :O

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy this on your profile.

We're best friends. You laugh, I laugh. You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You jump off a bridge, damn, I'm gonna miss your dumb ass

-When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.

-Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

-If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.

AU = Alternate Universe. Story does Not follow the plot of the story.

AR = This is where the world is the same, but some (or most) basic canon facts are different, e.g. for Naruto, Namikaze Minato never died and is Hokage, or in Harry Potter, Harry never goes to Hogwarts, instead being tutored by his godfather. AU and AR are often used interchangeably, with AU being more common in most fandoms.

AH = All Human. There will be no vampires, aliens, cyborgs or anything that is not human/animal in the story.

AN = Author's Note. A notice, question, or other comment that the author of the story needs their readers to see.

POV = Point Of View. The eyes that we read through as we follow a fic. (EX: The Twilight saga is Bella's POV.) If written in the third person, no specific POV must be declared.

Ship = It means that you support a specific pairing. They usually have conjoin names (Eg: Jasper/Bella - Jella)

OneShot = There is only ONE chapter in the story.

Flamer = A term used to describe someone who enjoys commenting or reviewing a person's story harshly, only pointing out the faults, often using heavy sarcasm. The comment or review left by such a person is known as a "flame."

OOC = Out Of Character. The actions or personality of a specific character will be different from what we deem normal for that specific character. (IE: Twilights Rosalie might be super nice to Bella right away in an AU fic, which would mean Rosalie was written OOC. Or in Harry Potter Voldermort is the good guy and Harry Potter is the bad guy.)

OC = Original Character. A person not from the books will be featured in the story. An OC character is usually made up by the aurthor.

HEA = Happily Ever After. Rather self-explanatory.

Non-canon = This is used mainly for pairings. If, for example, you read a Jasper/Bella, Tamina/Garsiv, Draco/Hermione story you are reading a non-canon story; because it does not feature in the books/movie.

Canon = It DOES feature in the books. This is often used both for pairings, and for plot. (Eg. Rosalie/Emmett, Bella/Edward, Harry/Ginny, Tamina/Dastan, Aragorn/Arwen)

Lemon/Smut = Any non-kid-friendly material, always in a sexual reference. A lemon is most always R rated, while smut can be hidden in between the lines in something K rated.

Slash = Male and Male smut. Gay pairing.

Femmeslash = Female and Female smut. Lesbian pairing.

PWP = Porn Without Plot. Graphic lemons written for the sake of being a lemon.

Outtake = It's technical definition is a chapter which has been taken out. However, it's universally used as a term for a chapter written in another character's POV. Usually posted at the end of the fic.

WIP = Work In Progress. The fic is not yet finished.

Darkfic = This is a fic where dark themes and events are strongly present. It deals with situations like slavery and misuse of sex. Very often includes some sort of physical abuse towards another person. Drug use or graphic death can also constitute a darkfic. (IE: The majority that I have seen are in the HP fandom. In particular, Draco Malfoy buying Hermoine Granger to be used as a pleasure tool.)

RR / R&R = Read and Review. It means, basically, that if you read you should be nice enough to review. Us authors love feedback, it is half the reason we write. We like to try and grow as writers.

OTP = One True Pairing. This is the ship that an author has declared their favorite. It can be crack or canon. An OTP is usually very natural-feeling and easy for an author to write. Though unusual, an author can have two OTP's per fandom. (EX: I, myself, cannot decide between Jasper/Bella and Alec/Alice for the Twilight fandom.)

Fluff = A type of fic which has a generally happy atmosphere, rather than loads of smut or angst. Of course, one could always write a specific type of fluff and change that. (IE: Tragic Fluff will be all angst and someone dies.)

WAFF = Warm and Fluffy Feeling. It's super fluff! lol. Usually-K-Rated things that just make you gush with happiness induce WAFF.

Songfic = A fan fiction based around or inspired by a song. The contents should have something to do with the lyrics. Usually a one-shot. Please not: That if a story has no plot and just lyrics it can be considered plagiarism.

Mary Sue: The 'Perfect Woman' who has no flaws what so ever and overly idealised. Usually predictable and lady-like.

Gary Stu: Male version of 'Mary Sue'.

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.

When life gives you lemons, give them back and DEMAND CHOCOLATE.

When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand cash.

Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME,I QUIT!"

Death is a way of God telling you not to be a wise guy.

If at first you don't succeed, then destroy all evidence that you tried.

That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.

Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.

Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange peoplel them.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast. - Anonymous

Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God. - Anonymous

Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives. - Stephen Baker

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez

Isnt it funny that when you go to the shops with your friends you look down at the girl with black jeans and studs but smile at the girl wearing a mini with a tshirt that barely cover anything?

Isnt it funny you can change your music taste to impress a guy but when it comes to a girl who likes her own music and her own style, you give her a mouthful?

ISN'T IT FUNNY that a guy can get away with being a gangsta but the emo gets a mouthful from everyone? are you laughing?

Isnt it funny a emo can be quiet all through the week but gets more shit from everyone than the girl who sleeps around and sells her virginity?

ISN'T IT FUNNY that you dont mind your friends drinking, smoking but the minute someone mentions emo music you can give them a lecture on melodramatic teenage outcasts?

I'm not laughing.

ITS SO FUNNY that you and your friends can make a girls life hell and not know anything about the silent battle she might be fighting.

ISN'T IT FUNNY that you can call emos, punks, goths the retards but still manage to get through your day without an inch of guilt in your heart.

HOW YOU CAN CALL A GIRL A POSER, HOW CAN YOU SAY "YOUR NOT EMO" OR "ATTENTION SEEKER" WITHOUT SPENDING A SECOND TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THERE ARE CUTS ON HER WRISTS AND WHY SHE SPENDS HER LUNCHTIMES CRYING INSTEAD OF LAUGHING WITH HER FRIENDS? KEEP ON LAUGHING!

isnt it funny you can say and do all this without any idea of what is going on in this persons life without knowing her situation with her friends or her family or her LIFE!

BRAVE ISNT GOING UP ON STAGE AND STRIPPING!

BRAVE IS NOT SAYING A SPEECH OR DUMPING YOUR BOYFRIEND!

BRAVE IS GOING TO SCHOOL ON MUFTI DAY AND NOT FOR A SECOND CARE WHAT THE WORLD AROUND YOU IS SAYING ABOUT YOUR CLOTHES. ITS LISTENING TO YOUR OWN MUSIC AND BEING PROUD OF IT!

ITS GOING THROUGH EVERY DAY WITH THE THINGS PEOPLE SAY TO YOUR FACE AND BEHIND YOUR BACK AND YOU STILL KEEP QUIET. ITS KNOWING WHAT YOUR "FRIENDS" ARE SAYING ABOUT YOU AND STILL CALLING THEM YOUR FRIENDS!

BRAVE IS KNOWING THAT TOMOROW ISNT A BRIGHT AND HAPPY FUTURE ITS ANOTHER DAY OF COMPLAINING AND DODGING RUMORS! KEEP ON LAUGHING.

if you agree put this on your profile and advise others to do the same

1. You can enjoy the banquet while resisting the wine.

2. The future is not set in stone.
3. Men are crabby when they're hungry.
4. Nothing beats an irritable grizzly bear.
5. True love knows no boundaries.
6. Some people are just danger magnets.
7. Even eternal enemies can work together to save something they love.
8. Forget the fangs - real vampires sparkle!
9. Soul mates exist, even if it takes 100 years to find them.
10. Porshe 911 Turbos make really great bribes.
11. Friendship is like the sun on a cloudy day.
12. Snow just means it's too cold for rain.
13. Family is about more than just blood.
14. What's worth doing is worth over-doing.
15. Losing your temper can be hair-raising.
16. "Vegetarian" has many meanings.
17. Even monsters can hold on to their humanity.
18. There are exceptions to every rule.
19. Always verify bad news before doing something stupid.
20. Hearing voices in your head doesn't necessarily mean you're crazy.
21. Love means being willing to sacrifice your happiness for another's.
22. Cold hands = Warm heart.
23. Not breathing is uncomfortable.
24. Stupid lambs and masochistic lions make quite a pair.
25. Romeo was an idiot.
26. Twilight is the saddest and safest time of day.
27. Extreme sports should not be attempted alone.
28. Life is worth very little without someone to share it with.
29. Space heaters can be very annoying.

I'm the girl who isn't dancing, just jumping up and down screaming the lyrics.

I'm the girl who every no's her name, for good or for bad. I'm the girl that if you call my friend a brat i WILL say something.

I'm the girl that will slap you if you push me.

I'm the girl that speaks my mind, whether you like it or not.

I'm the girl that walks like i am proud.

I'm the girl that you don't wanna be on her bad side.

I'm the girl that doesn't take crap from anyone.

BUT i''m also the girl that carries a book in her purse.

I'm the girl that wears sweat pants to the dance.

I'm the girl that no one knows her name, for good or bad.

I'm the girl who acts shy one second and the next i will be laughing like an idiot.

I'm the girl that people call "Bitch" and "Freak" "brat" and "Weird" but i take that as a compliment.

I'm the girl that doesn't have normal hobbies. I read and i write.

I'm the girl that hasn't been asked out in a year.

I'm the girl who isn't a people person.

I'm the girl that doesn't WANT or NEED a boyfriend.

Im the girl who thinks boys aren't worth my heart, because who gives away their heart to be broken?

I'm also the girl they call "friend" you are not alone.

1. When you are sad, I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard.

2. When you are blue, I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you are scared, I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused, I will use little words.

7. When you are sick, stay the heck away from me until you are well. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. When you are told "well you deserve better" by others, I will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"

This is my oath. I pledge it until the end. "Why?" you may ask. Because you are my friend. Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can truly feel its warmth.

when you live: live like your dying.

when you laugh: laugh until you cry.

when you love: love them like they're leaving forever.

when you dance: dance like nobody's watching

when you learn: study like there's a huge test every day

when you speak: speak like its judgment day

when you sin: sin with the knowledge that Jesus died for your sake

when you sing: sing like a mute person who just got their voice back

when you read: absorb the words as if you were there

when you pray: pray like your talking to your best friend

when you eat: eat with the knowledge there are others who haven't eaten in days

when you drink: drink with the knowledge that people have died from dehydration

when you walk: walk with the knowledge Jesus is walking with you, and there are others who cant walk

when there are only one set of footsteps in the sand: know it is then that Jesus carried you

when you're hurt: heal with the knowledge that there is always somebody who has it worse

when your sick: get well with the knowledge people die from worse diseases every day

when you run: run as far as you can, but make sure you find your home

when you party: party hardy

when you make a goal: exceed it

when you cry: cry knowing that eventually there wont be anymore tears

when you get mad: take it out on an inanimate object, not a person

when you read this: read it with the knowledge that i sin, and although i wrote this, i don't always follow the rules.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive seconds...copy/paste this into profile.

Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that hasn't, put this in your profile.

If you truly believe that there is an Edward Cullen out there somewhere for you (his name doesn't have to be Edward)...copy/paste this into your profile.

If you have ever been so obsessed with Twilight, that whenever you hear thunder, you think of vampires playing baseball...copy/paste this into your profile.

If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.

If you think the Cullens should have their own theme music :o) Copy this to your Profile

If you would kill to have wings, post on profile.

If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy and paste this into your profile

If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!

My best friend is insane, if you agree or if you have an insane friend then copy this to your profile

If you spend multiple hours each day reading or writing or a combination of both...copy and paste this on your profile.

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.

If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.

If you know what a lemon fly is(for those who don't, it is a mythical lemon with wings. ha! now you know!)

If you've ever copied and pasted something onto your profile, copy and paste this onto your profile

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer

If you know someone who should get run over by a bus, copy this into your profile

If you are addicted to vampires and would like to become one, post this onto your profile

If you've had at least two friends move away from you...copy and paste this onto your profile

If you've ever talked to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you are a person who acts friendly but has an evil mind and is secretly plotting world domination, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you and your friend break out into song in a public area put this on your profile

If you have ever just wanted to SLAP someone, copy this onto your profile

If you have ever given in to that impulsive with a satisfying SMACK!, copy and paste

If you have ever been so obsessed with something that now everyone is scared of you because of its effects copy this into your profile.

If you think the Coa-coa Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile

If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your pro!

If you have ever missed your mouth when trying to take a sip of water, copy and paste this into your profile

If you are anti-social sometimes copy this into your profile.

If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile.

If you have a friend that scares you when they have sugar, copy this into your profile

If you have ever asked a really stupid, obvious question,

If the sky is the limit, then what is space? Over the limit?
Are children who act in 'R' rated moves allowed to see them?
Why is it when an adult with the mind of a child is locked up and put in a asylum, while children are allowed to run in the streets?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
If the swat team breaks down your door do they have to replace it later?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out." ?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out of its butt."?
Isn't Disneyland just a people trap operated by a mouse?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in 'mother in law', they come out to 'Woman Hitler'?
Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning many, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures'?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are crazy?
Why is it when some products you have to turn upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn down?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
If corn oil is made from corn, where do we get baby oil from?
If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?

Although, chainsaw beats scissors, paper, AND rock!
"We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police do."
When I hear somebody sigh "Life is hard" I'm always tempted to ask "Compared to what?"
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
I am going to put an end to my procrastination problem. . . Tomorrow
"Shut up voices! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again
To put it nicely, I hope you choke
"True love is when you don't want to sleep because real life is so much better than a dream"
Suburbs are areas where they cut down trees and then name the streets after them
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
It's you and me versus the world...we attack at dawn
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care
True love isn't free, but I'd pay anything to have it
real life isn't full of happily ever afters, just bursts of happiness that don't last very long
If Tylenol, Duct Tape, & a Band Aid can't fix it, you have a serious problem.
The world is cruel... get used to it!
Not all scars fade, not all wounds heal.
If the world gives you lemons, you can make lemonade... or you can make a biologically engineered virulent air-born pathogenic virus that will wipe out the entire population of the planet, which would be a whole lot cooler.
The evil gnomes poked me in the but wit a stick.
Hope is a good thing, perhaps the best of things and no good thing ever dies, except my dog scruffy, he got hit by a car.
Welcome to the world of very scary fairies!
For those who think fairies are innocent little creatures...
Killing gnomes with sporks!
Would you like a cookie? So would I.
You don't have to be faster than the bear, you just have to be faster than the slowest guy running from the bear.
Checking away messages. It's like stalking, but no one knows you are doing it. I even have people's names on my buddy list that I don't know, but I hear they have really good away messages. Some people really put their all into away messages. There are the people who document their every move: "I am taking a shower, but when I get out, I am going to pee, shave, and then iron my pants. Call me if you need me before I go to the mall at 2pm." Then there's the creative one: "I am away from my computer right now." And of course there's that one from the really cool guy: "Yo its Friday night, I am drunk, and not sitting up looking at away messages" Funny how that guy never seems to go idle.
Don't take it personally.. but you smell like an ice cube
Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.
A day without sunshine is like... night.
A rabbi, a priest, and a duck walked into a bar. The bartender looked up and said, "What is this? A joke?"
A rejected invention:Instant water! just add water!
Behold the mighty...chihuahua?
Busy poking my neighbor with a spork. shes really old and wrinkly this is fun muahahaha
Don't ever attempt a staring contest with a brick wall, they cheat a lot
Don't make me mad...I'm known to bite at random!!
Don't walk in my footsteps. I walk into walls.
Feeding my pet old person right now...!
Hello. You have reached The Autopsy-profile. If you are already cut open, Press 1.If you are ordering a new body, Press 2.If you are ordering a cut body, Press 3.If you are picking up a body, Press 4.If you chose none of the options above, please stay on the profile. You will soon be tracked down and picked up in a nice cozy black 'sleeping-bag'.Have a nice day and thank you for choosing Autopsy-profile!
I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect!
I did what they say and chose the road less traveled... Now where the heck am I?
I do what cheerios tell me.
I put the 'fun' in 'dysfunctional'.
I'm a little teapot short and stout; here is my hande, here is my...other handle? crap. now i'm a sugar bowl
I'm bartending at an AA meeting
I'm hearing voices in my head and they don't like you! (haha just like Edward Cullen!! :D)
I'm knocking on heavens door.. voice in background: "Knocking? You very nearly broke the bloody thing down!!" me:" That wasnt my fault!! It was poor constrution... I SWEAR!! Dont look at me like that..."
I'm out driving with my keys in an electrical outlet...
If you wish on a falling star it might come true... Unless it's a meteor hurdling to earth... Then no wishes come true... Unless your wish was to be killed a meteor hurdling to earth.
My Braces Are Stuck To The Carpet...
Someday my prince will come he just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is to stubborn to ask for directions.
The first time I was chatting with someone online, they asked me "asl?" I tried to sound it out and got realy ticked of and started warning them because I thought they were calling me an asshole.
yo-yos were invented as a weapon
I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
If you're forced to choose between two evils, choose the one you've never tried before. ;)
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

"Wal-Mart, do they like, sell walls there?" - Paris Hilton

"Man must wait long time with mouth open for roast duck to fly in." ancient Chinese proverb
"What happens if you get scared half to death twice?" –Unknown
"Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried to slam a revolving door,"- Unknown
“I am amazed at radio DJ's today. I am firmly convinced that AM on my radio stands for Absolute Moron. I will not begin to tell you what FM stands for." --Jasper Carrott
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else." --Will Rogers
"I don't suffer from insanity I enjoy every minute of it." –Unknown
"Perfection is a waste of time." --Kim De Coite
Engineering: 'How will this work?' Science:'Why will this work?' Management: 'When will this work?' Liberal Arts:'Do you want fries with that?'" –Unknown
"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; I'm not sure about the universe." --Albert Einstein
That is the truest sign of insanity--insane people are always sure they are fine. It is only the sane people that are willing to admit that they are crazy." --Nora Ephron
“You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.” – Unknown
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” – Unknown
“Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.” – Unknown
“He who laughs last didn't get it.” – Unknown
“When there's a will, I want to be in it.” – Unknown
"A positive attitude may not solve all of your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." Herm Albright
Firefighter: At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.

"There's no such thing as a stupid question, until you ask it." -That-Guy-With-The-Glasses

When I was younger, my parents encouraged me to walk and talk. Now, all they want me to do is sit down and shut up!
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level and beat you with experience. Never argue with me, I'll drag you down to my level and beat you with a bat.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you!
Woman: But would you stay there??
I ran into my ex the other day, then I put the car in reverse and ran over him again.
I used to hate it when aunts and grandmas, used to come up to me at weddings and pinch my cheeks and say "Your next" "Your next". Well they stopped doin that crap when i started to do it to them at funerals.
There are three kinds of people in the world; ones that can count and ones that can't count.
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and slap that idiot upside the head
Pass it on...
Don't think of your self as an ugly person. Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.
"Love your enemies! It really pisses them off"
Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."
A good friend picks you up when you fall,a best friend picks you up and then trips you again."
Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family so it must be one of them. Either it's my mom or my dad. Or my older brother Collin. Or my other brother Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it's Collin.
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it.
Friends will always be like "well you deserve better" but best friends will be prank calling him saying "you will die in seven days"
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. But a best friend will go up to him and say "It's because you're gay isn't it?"
Edward Cullen I love you! Oops! Did I say that out loud?
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
They say guns don't kill people, people kill people, but honestly i think guns have something to do with it because if someone just stood there and said "bang," i don't think many people would be dead...
I'm the kind of person that walks into a door and apologizes.
I used to be normal, until I met the freaks that I call my friends

If you have ever had a crush on a fictional character, copy and paste this on your profile and add your penname and the name(s) of the characters you have crushed on: HollyluvsArty (James Potter, Sirius Black (when he was young), Artemis Fowl) comix-freak (Artemis Fowl (and Arty is my one and only!))scarilyobsessed(Fang, from maximum ride) Natalie-07 (Jack Sparrow, I know I know he's older then my dad but it's not like we're actually dating!) Silverstar's Shadow (Kratos Aurion (like practically every other girl who plays ToS religiously), Yuan (damn the people who decided to never tell you his last name!), Sirius Black (not Gary the Old Man... I imagined him to look a little more like Adam from Three Days Grace... hehe... Ahem.), Draco Malfoy), AsterEris:Firefall'sLegacy(Jasper Cullen...sigh), AviorHyrax (Fell from fell...I love him, I know, hes a wolf...can't I have my dream? Murtaghlaughing really hard right now Aster..., Mr. Darcyawwwww, i love him, again, still laughing,artemis fowl, Victor, from Cathy's book/key(I have a lot more but still), MiracleJade (Legolas from Lord of the Rings, Murtagh from Eragon movie (sucked) and Kisten from Kim Harrison books), xXxNyte-chanxXx (Edward Cullen-Twilight duh...Ian MacPhie-Love at Skate series)Edwardcullenrocks(Edward Cullen-twilight, Yuki and Kyo Sohma-fruits basket, and Alexander Sterling-vampire kisses series)Cocoloco123(Jasper Hale/Whitlock-Twilight ), Rath101(Jasper Hale/Whitlock-Twilight) arrowthroughmyheart (Anubis- Kane Chronicles, Sasuke-Naruto)

All the good ones are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
The few people who would die laughing if the newest fashion was not breathing are brilliant
Good friends give you a ride. Close friends buy you a car. Best friends are the getting-away-from-the-scene-of-the-crime driver.
We fall for stupid boys we make lots of dumb mistakes we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really good at one thing, staying strong.
WARNING:Do not use an axe to kill a fly on your friends' head. NOTE:Do use an axe to kill a fly on ur enemies head
Everyone has a wild side-me and my friends just prefer to make them public
Always forgive our enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Emo kids have cool hair
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
I called your boyfriend gay.he hit me me with his purse

Did you just call me a bitch? Because a bitch is a dog. Dogs bark. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. And nature is beautiful. I know I'm beautiful! Thanks for the complement.

Here's a joke...

there are 3 men who need to get across a lake...

the 1st one prays to God asking for the strength to get across...

he gets big muscles and swims across...

but almost dies 5 times...

the 2nd 1 prays to God for the strength and the tools he needs to get across...

he gets his big muscles and boat and rows across...

but he almost dies 3 times...

the 3rd 1 prays to God, for the strength, tools, and the brains...

he turns into a woman...

walks 4 yards...

and crosses the bridge

WORDS OF WISDOM: Just some little quotes and sayings to ponder...

"What is a friend? Someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you forget the words."

"It is not bigotry to be certain we are right; but it is bigotry to be unable to imagine how we might possibly have gone wrong."

"He who hesitates is lost."

"The future depends on what we do in the present."

"Do not follow where the path might lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

"The real leader has no need to lead- he is content to point the way."

"Where there is no vision, the people perish."

"Never tell people how to do things. Tell them what to do, and they will surprise you with their ingenuity."

"Along with success comes a reputation for wisdom."

"The art of being wise is knowing what to overlook."

"A wise man learns from the mistakes of others. A fool learns from his own."

"Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing at all."

"Most of the shadows of life are caused by us standing in the way of our own sunshine."

"After the game, the king and pawn go into the same box."

"A wise man will make more opportunities than he finds."

"If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else."

"What you dislike in another, take care to correct in yourself."

"We only learn in two ways- by reading, and by association with smarter people."

"Take calculated risks. That is quite different than being rash."

"The only way of finding the limits of the possible, is by passing them and venturing into the impossible."

"Experience is the child of thought, and thought is the child of action."

"Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm."

"You have enemies? Good. That means you stood up for something at some point in your life."

"It is better to light one candle than to curse the darkness."

"We always strive after what is forbidden, and desire the things refused us."

"Every generation laughs at the old fashions, yet religiously follow the new."

"Nothing can bring you peace but yourself."

"We don't live in a world of reality. We live in a world of perceptions."

"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you don't stop."

"Happiness is where we find it, but rarely where we seek it."

"Ask yourself this question: Will this matter in a year from now?"

"Present fears are less than horrible imaginings."

"It is the trouble that never comes that causes loss of sleep."

"You will never 'find' time for anything. If you want time, you must make it."

"A man who dares waste one hour has not discovered the value of life."

"Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions."

"Obstacles are great incentives."

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."

"If we did all the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves."

"The destiny of man is in his own soul."

"Be silent, or say something better than silence."

"Many can argue, not many can converse."

"Hear the meaning within the word."

"Arguing with a fool proves there are two."

"The more you say, the less people remember."

"He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat."

"Failure teaches success."

"It is good to learn what to avoid by studying the misfortunes of others."

"REMEMBER WHEN"

REMEMBER WHEN ..
getting HIGH meant swinging at a playground?
the worst thing you could get from a boy was c0otiEs?
when your W0RST ENEMIES were your siblings
and rAcE iSsuEs were about who ran fastest?
when - WAR- was a card game
and life was simple and care free?
remember when all you wanted to do
WAS GROW UP?

I promise to remember Bella, Each time I carelessly fall down

And I promise to remember, Edward Whenever I'm out of town

I promise to obey traffic laws, For Charlies sake of course

And I promise to remember Jacob, When my heart fills with remorse

I promise to remember Carlisle, Whenever I am in the emergency room

And I promise to remember Emmett, Every time there's a huge boom

I promise to to remember Rose,Whenever I see something that holds pure beauty

And I promise to remember Alice, When I'm at a mall and a cute outfit spots me

I promise to remember Nessie, When I see that beautiful bronze hair

And I promise to remember Esme, When someone tells me they care

I promise to remember Jasper, Whenever my stomach isn't curled

And I promise to remember the Volturi, When someone speaks of dominating the world

Yes, I promise to love Twilight, Wherever I may go

So that all may see my obsession, Because I know what the Twilighters know

The Percy Jackson pledge:

I promise to remember Percy
whenever I'm at sea
I promise to remember Annabeth
whenever a spider comes at me
I promise to protect nature
for Grover's sake of course
I promise to remember Luke
when my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Chiron
whenever I see a sign that says ''free pony ride''
I promise to remember Tyson
whenever a friend says they'll stick by my side
I promise to remember Thalia
whenever a friend is scared of heights
I promise to remember Clarisse
whenever I see someone that gives me a fright
I promise to remember Bianca
whenever I see a sister scold her younger brother
I promise to remember Nico
whenever I see someone who doesnt get along with others
I promise to remember Zoe
whenever I watch the stars
I promise to remember Rachel
whenever a limo passes my car.
yes I promise to remember PJO
wherever I may go.

The Kane Chronicle Pledge:

I promise to remember Carter
When I travel far away
I promise to remember Sadie
When I have something sarcastic to say
I promise to remember Desjardins
When someone doesn't fight fair
I promise to remember Amos
When someone has beads in their hair
I promise to remember Iskandar
When I see someone very old
I promise to remember Bast
When I see cat's eyes that are gold
I promise to remember Horus
When I see a beautiful bird
I promise to remember Isis
Whenever strange voices are heard
I promise to remember Set
When someone is clever and sly
I promise to remember Anubis
When a cute boy catches my eye
I promise to remember Zia
When I see someone working magic
I promise to remember Julius Kane
When someone's life is tragic
I promise to remember Ruby Kane
When someone I love is gone
And whenever I read The Red Pyramid
I'll always remember this song.

This pledge was written by Chick With Brains.

HARRY POTTER OATH!!

I promise to remember Tonks
Each time time I knock something down.
And I promise to remember Charlie Weasley
Whenever I'm out of town.
I promise not to obey traffic laws
For Sirius's sake of course.
And I promise to remember Lupin
When my heart fills with remorse.
I promise to remember Arthur
Whenever I am at St Mungo's Room.
And I promise to remember the Weasley Twins
Every time fireworks boom.
I promise to remember Lily
When I see someone that holds pure beauty.
And I promise to remember Dobby
Whenever a pair of socks spots me.
I promise to remember Teddy
When I see someone with turquoise hair.
And I promise to remember Molly
When someone tells me they care.
I promise to remember Ginny
Whenever bogey hexes are unfurled.
And I promise to remember the death eaters
When someone speaks of dominating the world.
Yes I promise to love Harry Potter
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the wizards know.

Before the marriage:
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He: No way! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
After the marriage: Read it bottom to top leaving out the last line

14 Things to do with friends when you're in Wal-Mart!

1. Set all the alarm clocks in house wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code five in house wares!" and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

12. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

13. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!

14. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Pikachu, I choose you!!"

Top 75 Most Annoying Things To Do In An Elevator:

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Call the Psychic Hot line from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

Ask, "Did you feel that?"

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Tell people that you can see their aura.

Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Put police tape in front of the door before entering.

Fart loudly when there are only two of you in the elevator. Argue vehemently that it wasn't you.

Do the "potty dance" all the way to the elevator door. Upon arrival, sigh and look greatly relieved.

Throw a rave.

Place potted plants and water fountains at strategic locations in the lift. When people ask what you are doing, tell them you "Won't ride an elevator that's not fung shwei."

Greet everyone getting on with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral".

Hum the first six notes of the "It's a small world" over and over again.

Lean over to another rider and whisper 'Noogie patrol coming!'"

Have a heated debate with yourself.

Bring a melon onto the elevator. Try to sell it to the other passengers.

Drum on every available surface.

Write a big X on the elevator floor, and hand out "pirate" maps to everyone as they enter.

Give psychotherapy to the other passengers.

Greet everyone coming on as if they were your best friends. Use the same name for all of them.

Say "ring ring," then pull a banana out of your pocket and start talking into it.

Propose to the other passengers.

Challenge people to duels.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

Come on looking really scared, and say to another passenger..."I'm kinda nervous...this is my first time flying..."

Any time someone enters the doors, recoil in horror.

Shout "Food fight!"

Every time someone else talks, angrily shout: "Some people are trying to sleep here!"

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lick one of the buttons. Tell the other passengers you're sick and tired of people stealing your food the second you turn your back.

Elevators were practically MADE for river dance!

Bring a snowboard onto the elevator. Put it on. Every time the lift goes up or down, shout "WOO-YEAH! This is what I call sick air!"

Shave.

Every time the elevator goes down, loudly scream "OH MY GOD!! We're all gonna die! This is it! This is it! It's over! IT'S OVER!!" Look relieved when it stops moving. When you begin to drop again, repeat.

Ask the other passengers if they want to see your glass clown collection.

Practice your kung fu.

Make racecar noises when people get on and off.

Ask everyone on the elevator: "Are you my mother?"

Fly a model airplane.

Do yoga.

Play the accordion

Enter the elevator with nothing on your head. Individually ask everyone if they like your hat.

Bring a rocking chair. Sit and knit.

Recite gangsta rap lyrics in monotone.

Enter with a shovel, and attempt to "dig for treasure."

Read "Green Eggs and Ham" at the top of your lungs. Sound out every word

98 of the population would die if Johnny Depp said it wasn't cool to breathe. If you're one of the 2 that would be laughing your ass off, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think the rabbit from the Trix commercial should go to the store and by his own box, copy this into your profile.

If you’ve ever heard voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If at one time you misspelled or forgot how to spell a word less than four letters, copy and paste this onto your profile.

If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy and paste this into your profile

If you know someone who should be run over by a bus, copy this to your profile

If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking in the first place, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever forgotten what you were talking about, copy this into your profile

If you find people questioning your sanity, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you’ve ever danced in the rain, copy and paste this into your profile.

Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know which to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, than weird is good. If you are weird and proud of it, copy this onto your profile!

If you've ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever slammed into a tree, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that being unique is cooler than being cool, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you have ever tripped down the stairs copy and paste this into your profile. (Every day)

If you’ve ever tripped over a flat surface, copy and paste this.

95 of teens would have a breakdown if Miley Cyrus were standing on the edge of a tower ready to jump; copy and paste this if you’re a part of the 5 yelling "Jump Bitch!"

If all else fails, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.

The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.

Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.

Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

I'd tell you to go to hell, but I work there and really don't want to see you everyday.

Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.

Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."

When in doubt, push random buttons!

Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.

You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!

There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, it's usually an oncoming express train.

There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.

They say guns don't kill people; people do. Well, I think guns help. I mean, if you just stood there and yelled 'BANG!' I don't think you'd kill many people...

Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking.

You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.

They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.

Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God

Don't hate yourself in the morning...sleep till noon

It's always the last place you look...well of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?

Boys are like trees - they take fifty years to grow up.

I find "good morning" contradictory

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss.

There are no stupid questions, just a lot of inquisitive idiots.

I'm not as dumb as you look.

The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

Sarcasm is one more service we offer.

Hate is just a special kind of love we give to people who suck.

I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Some people are like Slinky's. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.

Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.

Love your enemies. It gets them really confused.

'I write for the same reason I breathe; if I didn't I would die'

Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.

It's ok to argue with two characters on your shoulders.

Writing isn't a career; it's more of a mental illness.

Anything thrown hard enough should hurt.

'You know what! Earth sucks, I’m going home.'

Curiosity killed the cat, satisfaction brought him back, but stupidity killed him again.

Flying is simple; you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.

'Define normal.'

We fall for stupid boys, we make lots of dumb mistakes, we like to act stupid, talk really fast, and laugh really loud. But us teenage girls, we're really going at one thing, staying strong

Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Are you gonna drink that?"

All people have the right to stupidity but some people abuse the privilege.

When I was born, I was so shocked that I didn't talk for a year and a half.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!

Do not walk behind me for I may not lead, do not walk in front of me for I may not follow, do not walk beside me either. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!

Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

For people who like peace and quiet: Get me a CORDLESS PHONE!

I don't get even, I get odder.

If being an idiot hurt, then you would be in constant pain.

In order to lose your mind, you have to have one in the first place.

I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.

Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people seem bright until you hear them speak.

A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death, which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy?

I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?

If you've ever wished you could go into a book and strangle some of the characters for being so incredibly dumb, copy and paste this onto your profile.

There's nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you argue with yourself and LOSE when it's weird. If you do this, copy this and put it on your profile.

If you think the Co-co Puff Turkey Bird thing should go to rehab, copy this onto your profile.

If you think Fred should just let Barney have the freakin' Coco Pebbles and stop chasing him, then copy and paste this on your profile.

If you are anti-social sometimes copy this into your profile.

If you have ever yelled at your television because a character or someone you don't like was on, copy and paste this to your profile

If you get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade

When life gives you lemons, throw them back and demand oranges

If life gives you lemons, throw them back at life and steal the oranges you asked for!

If life gives you lemons, throw them at someone

If life gives you lemons, make beef stew

When life gives you lemons, say "What else have you got?" you might get something else

When life gives you lemons, make Shirley temples, and make everyone else wonder how

When life gives Edward lemons, he throws them AT MIKE

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes

When life gives you lemons, just read my profile. There are a bunch of options on what to do next

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sugar is sweet,
And so are you,
But the roses are wilting,
The violets are dead,
The sugar bowl's empty,
And so is your head.

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
If ya can't join 'em, bribe 'em.
If ya can't bribe 'em, blackmail 'em.
If ya can't blackmail 'em, kill 'em.
If ya can't kill 'em, you're screwed.

Love is patient
Love is Kind

Love is slowly losing your mind

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
So why aren't you?

:) smiley face
:D very happy face
:( sad face
;) wink face
() shark
O:) angel
3:) devil
:/ unsure face
:O scream face
8) 'cool' glasses face
:( close eyes face
* : 'kiss' face
:P stick out tounge face
_ laughing eyes face
] robot
:3 cat smile face
:'( crying face
o.O 'wow' face
8- 'shades' face
:v pacman
:( coughing laugh face
:o same as above with mouth open
:putnam: human head
-_- annoyance

(. . . and a bunch of other ones that aren't fb faces)

WHAT A KISS MEANS

Kiss on the stomach = "I'm ready"
Kiss on the Forehead = "I hope we're together forever"
Kiss on the Ear = "You're my everything"
Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
Kiss on the Neck = "we belong together"
Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
Kiss on the Lips = "I love you"

What the gesture means...

Holding Hands = "we definitely love each other"
Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
Holding on tight = "I don't want to let go"
Looking into each other's Eyes = "I just plain love you"
Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"
Arms around the Waist = "I love you too much to let go"
Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"
picking someone up off their feet = "that they love them fully and would do anything for them"

--Advice--

Don’t ask for a kiss, take one
If you were thinking about someone while reading this, you're definitely in Love.

--Requirements--

Post this again after reading!!

(1/20-2/18)
Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Knows how to Have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Unpredictable. Outgoing. Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found. 7 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

PISCES - The Addict
(2/19-3/20)
EXTREMELY adorable. Intelligent. Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Energetic. Predict future. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want. Attractive. Easy going. Loves being in long relationship. Talkative. Romantic. Caring. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

LEO - The Cool One
(7/23-8/22)
Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, Fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you'll ever meet! Very beautiful. Amazing. however not the kind of person you wanna mess with... u might end up crying... 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

CANCER - The Smart One.
(6/22-7/22)
Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind. Loves being In long-term relationships. Extremely energetic. Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

SAGITTARIUS-The One that Waits
(11/22-12/21)
Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always Wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Beautiful. Goofy. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted. Easy to please. The one and only. 7 Years of bad luck if you do not repost.

ARIES- The Irresistible One
(3/21-4/19)
Nice Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good in bed... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Trustworthy. Always happy. Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE. 9 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

TAURUS- The Aggressive One
(4/20-5/20)
MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal. Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet! Entirely creative. Extremely random and proud of it. Freak. Spontaneous. Great at telling Stories. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to. 12 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

LIBRA - The Partner for Life
(9/23-10/22)
Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 5 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

CAPRICORN - The Cute One
(12/22-1/19)
Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. EXTREMELY SEXY. Predict future. Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Has lots of friends. Great talker. Always gets what he or she wants. Also not a fighter, but if they have to, they will also knock the lights out of you if it comes down to it..Cool. Loves to own Geminis' in sports. Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

SCORPIO - The Gorgeous One
(10/23-11/21)
Loves being in long relationships. Likes to give a good fight for what they want. Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Best kisser. Good personality. Stubborn. Amazing in bed. A caring person. One of a kind.Gorgeous Smile.Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not
repost.

VIRGO- The Promiscuous One
(8/23-9/22)
Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in the you know where..!! Not the kind of person you wanna mess with- you might end up crying. 4 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

GEMINI - The Liar
(5/21-6/21)
Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships,
Addictive. Loud. 16 years of bad luck if you do not repost.

Put your MP3 on shuffle and the song you get is the answer to each question (this is my own little rule—you have to comment! Because it’s more fun that way! :D):

1. How does the world see me?

Toxic - Brittany Spears

(Yeah, that's right. I'm addictive.)

2. Will I have a happy life?

Angel - Leona Lewis

(Don't really know what to say to this.)

3. What do people really think of me?

Oh Star - Paramore

(Glad to know that I'm so loved.)

4. Do people secretly lust after me?

When It All Falls Apart - The Veronicas

(Guess not.)

5. How can I make others happy?

Let's Be Bad (SMASH Cast Version) - SMASH Cast

(Um, I'm really in the habit of sleeping around.)

6. How can I make myself happy?

Misguided Ghosts - Paramore

(Don't really know how this would make me happy.)

7. What should I do with my life?

Moments Between Sleep - VersaEmerge

(Strange, I don't really think that I should go with the message that they are sending here.)

8. Will I ever have children?

So Much For You - Ashley Tisdale

(I'm guessing this is a maybe?)

9. What is some good advice for me?

Where The Lines Overlap - Paramore

(This is optimism. Let's hope.)

10. What do I think my current theme song is?

Falling - Florence The Machine

(I guess this is kind of true.)

11. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?

Everything I Want - Steve Rushton

(I've only ever felt this way about one person. He is moving back to Germany.)

12. What song will play at my funeral?

Because of You - Kelly Clarkson

(Okay, I'm a little freaked out. It said the same thing in the other one I did earlier. Is it a sign?)

13. What type of men do you like?

The Closer I Get To You - Beyonce Feat. Luther Vandross

(This can't be true because I only date guys that I don't like. It's a bad habit.)

14. What is my wedding day going to be like?

Naughty Girl - Beyonce

(I guess I probably do that but maybe on my wedding night

15. Why am I here?

Don't Forget - Demi Lovato

(Wierd.)

16. What will people remember me for?

See You Again - Miley Cyrus

(So, I'm a spaz?)

17. What song will I get stuck in my head tomorrow?

Anything But Ordinary - Avril Lavigne

(Well, that's fine. I actually like this out.)

18. Are there people outside waiting to take me away?

Me, Myself, and I - Beyonce

(I think that's a no?)

19. What will this year be all about?

I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry

(So, by next year, I'll be gay? Not sure what to make of that.)

20 - If you reached the top of Mount Everest, you would scream:

Everytime You Lie - Demi Lovato

(It's okay. No one will here me. Probably.)

21 - The next time you stand up in front of a group of people, you'll say:

Girlfriend (Remix) - Avril Lavigne Feat. Lil' Mama

(Maybe not.)

22 - Your message to the world:

Hold Up - Demi Lovato

(You should always be open to love.)

23 - Your deepest secret:

Slow Dance - Keri Hilson

(My deepest secret is that I want to sleep with someone that I love? Nope. My deepest secret is much worse.)

24 - Your innermost desire:

Ghost Of You - Selena Gomez

(So I want to leave someone. That really ties in with #12)

25 - Your oldest memory makes you think:

Do Watcha Gotta Do - JoJo

(I don't think that I could've been hurt this way that young.)

26 - Somewhere in your wedding vows, you'll include:

A La Nanita - The Cheetah Girls

(This is a lullaby.)

27 - When you wake up in the morning, you mutter:

I Will Be - Avril Lavigne

(I'm not that ambitious in the morning.)

28 - Right now, your feelings are:

Franklin - Paramore

(I'm not really feeling nostalgic.)

29 - The day you fall in love will be the day that:

Miracle - Paramore

(Maybe the person I'm falling in love with is pessimistic. And, yeah, I guess I do live like I'm not alive.)

30- You’d describe your best friend as:

Best For Last - Adele

(Um, I'm not really in love with her.)

31- You'd describe yourself as:

Only If for a Night (Live) [MTV Unplugged, 2012] - Florence the Machine

32- Your friends describe you as:

Let's Get Crazy - Hannah Montana

(I don't think so.)

33- In an elevator you are most likely to:

Me Without You - Ashley Tisdale

(In an elevator?)

34- Your philosophy in life is:

No Mozart - Natasha Bedingfield

(I am a free spirit. NOT!)

35 - Your farewell message to the readers of this:

The Hiders - VersaEmerge

(I feel like this is a little rude. Maybe I'm wrong.)

Write your top ten favorite Twilight Characters then answer the questions below: NO PEEKING...

1. Rosalie
2. Jasper
3. Jane
4. Angela
5. Alice
6. Emmett
7. Charlotte
8. Esme
9. Kate
10. Alec

1. Have you ever read a three/eight fanfic before? Jane/Esme: I don't think those even exist.

2. Do you think four is hot? Angela: Maybe?

3. What would happen if eight got one pregnant? Esme/Rosalie: Not possible.

4. Do you recall any fics about two? Jasper: Oh, yeah, tons

5. Would four and five make a good couple? Alice/Angela: They'd make a sexy couple.

6. Seven and three or seven and nine? Charlotte/Jane or Charlotte/Kate: Charlotte/Jane. I imagine them to both be fairly sadistic. They'd work well together.

7. What would happen if one walked in on two and eight in an awkward situation? Rosalie/Jasper/Esme: I think that she'd be a little wierded out. They would be a strange couple.

8. Make up a summary of a three/ten fic. Jane/Alec: Their love was forbidden. Sinful. There was incredible heat between their lips and as Jane slipped her tongue in Alec's mouth, they were both finding it very hard to care.

9. Is there such a thing as one/eight fluff? Rosalie/Esme: Probably, I never thought to look.

10. Suggest a title for a six/two hurt/comfort fic. Emmett/Jasper: Never Knew a Love Like This

11. What kind of plot would you use if you wanted four to go out with one? Angela/Rosalie: Rosalie goes to pick up Bella from Angela's one day because Edward is hunting. Bella is taking a shower, so Rose and Angela end up talking.

12. What might ten scream at a moment of great passion? Alec: Fuck...

13. If you wrote a songfic about nine, what song would you choose? Kate: Landscape (Demo) by Florence The Machine

14. If you wrote a one/five/nine fic, what would the warning be? Rosalie/Alice/Kate: Lemons aplenty

15. What might be a good pick-up line for four to use on eight? Angela/Esme: I don't think she'd say much. Angela seems more like she would only be able to work up the courage for an impulsive kiss.

16. If three and five got married, what would nine say? Jane/Alice/Kate: I'm really glad that gays can marry now. (Kate always struck me as the underhanded bitchy type. Or maybe just one that liked to push people's buttons. At least that's what I got when she grabbed Renesmee that one time.)

17. What would ten do if one was scared of four? Alec/Rosalie/Angela: Laugh like hell, what's Angela got to be afraid of.

18. What would seven say to insult two? Charlotte/Jasper: I'll give you another scar!

19. One loves two, but two is after three who’s currently in a relationship with four and cheating on four with five. What happens? Rosalie/Jasper/Jane/Angela/Alice: Angela finds out about the affair. She goes and slaps both Jane and Alice. Jasper sees this and takes it as his opening. Rosalie sees Jasper hitting on Jane after the breakup. She yells at him. She goes to a bar and gets drunk. Rosalie wakes up the next morning in bed with Jane. (Assuming that this is AH)

20. The ultimate five-some. Who’s in it? Two/Six/Seven/Nine/One - Jasper/Emmett/Charlotte/Kate/Rosalie

21. Two and four hate each other, but two is with three and four is with nine. Nine and three are siblings. What happens? Jasper/Angela/Jane/Kate - Jasper and Angela end up together.

22. Nine and one? Love or hate? Kate/Rosalie: Hate

23. Do three and five get along? Jane/Alice: Totes.

24. Two walks in on one/six. Are they angry? Jasper/Rosalie/Emmett: Nobody's angry. Everyone knows Rose and Emmett are mates.

25. Seven/one? Do they make pretty children? If so, what does the child look like? Gender? Name? Charlotte/Rosalie: Not possible. But I imagine that it would be twins. A boy and a Girl. David and Olivia. They would be so hot.