iLoveJamesMaslow
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Joined 08-17-10, id: 2500013, Profile Updated: 10-29-14
Author has written 7 stories for Big Time Rush, Sonny with a Chance, and iCarly.

18. (I'm a grown ass bitch.)

High School Graduate. c/o 2014.

Ballerina.

Aspiring Author.

Starbucks Enthusiast.

Egghead.

Fiancée.

Proud Mommy to Aden Christopher Hasty.

I also like hot white guys that sing and play instruments. Don't judge me.

#ThatOreoLife

iGotThatBallerinaSwag@gmail.com

Tumblr: valcisthebae.tumblr.com

Twitter: @lipsonharry

Instagram: @valcisthebae


I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists
I'm a GIRL, so I MUST be WEAK. I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLONDE, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I live in the COUNTRY, so I MUST live on a farm.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world. I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.
I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.
I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have Big (ish) BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser.
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
Im a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
Im a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.
I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm a FEMALE, so I MUST not SWEAR.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil (So I’ve been told)
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun th0ose who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY(OR CHRISTMAS), so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.
I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.
I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.
I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSSDRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.
I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak.
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.
I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo.
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy
I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.
I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED.
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be and OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE(that much), so I MUST be an outcast
I wear BLACK nailpolish, so I MUST be EMO, GOTH, or PUNK
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish
I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard.
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s
I go to RENFAIRES, so I MUST talk weird, be a loser, and not be up with the times
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I am friends with a CUTTER, so I MUST be a CUTTER too
I am an HONOR STUDENT, so I MUST be a NERD.
I cry easily, so I MUST be a wimp.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

You Belong To Me by BTRobsession reviews
Kogan/AU. Logan and Kendall are trying to start a family, but when complications arise, they're desperate for anything. That's when Jo Taylor enters the picture. She offers to help them, but they don't know that she has a dark secret. She's obsessed with Kendall, and she will do anything in her power to have him.
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Drama/Suspense - Chapters: 5 - Words: 9,378 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 26 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 1/6 - Published: 2/18/2014 - Kendall, Logan, Jo
(Put on Your) War Paint by palomasnapples reviews
Sometimes Kendall wants to cry because he can't believe how in love he is. RPS, Kames. Based on their weekend at Coachella.
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,867 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 7 - Published: 4/28/2013 - Kendall, James - Complete
I'm the C3PO to Your Ewok by HighFunctioningBowTieCollector reviews
A smutty Klaine fic in which Kurt has a thing for nerdiness... And Blaine knows it and uses Star Wars lines... Kurt POV
Glee - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,106 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 3 - Published: 4/26/2013 - Kurt H., Blaine A. - Complete
Don't Take My Angel Away from Me by TheHornyVirgin reviews
Finally allowed some time off, James and Carlos go camping. But a romantic camping trip quickly turns into a fight for their lives when they are abducted by two on-the-run serial killers... PLEASE R&R! Slash and LOTS of angst!
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance/Angst - Chapters: 12 - Words: 31,010 - Reviews: 69 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 10/14/2012 - Published: 10/3/2010 - James, Carlos
The Ottoman by Rhinos.Vs.Unicorns reviews
Kendall heads up to James's new place to get him to return to the crib, but not everything goes exactly as planned. A few mishaps later, he starts to realize that James having his own place might not be such a bad thing. Kames. Smut.
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,405 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 5 - Published: 1/29/2012 - James, Kendall - Complete
Loving, Touching, Squeezing CrissColfer Oneshot by crisscolfersex reviews
There are precisely 43 minutes until Darren's parents arrive at the Criss-Colfer household...but Darren has a sudden need for sex...against a wall... Wall-sex!... Darren!top...Dirty talk
Glee - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,188 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 6 - Published: 11/2/2011 - Complete
The Truth Behind A Lie by BTRobsession reviews
MPREG/SLASH. All Logan and Kendall have been doing is fighting. when they break up, Logan decides to go out with James to make Kendall jealous. what happens when Logan gets more then what he bargained for? Kogan/Jagan/Kames.
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 66 - Words: 111,122 - Reviews: 441 - Favs: 94 - Follows: 55 - Updated: 8/18/2011 - Published: 6/13/2011 - Logan, Kendall - Complete
Cherry Bomb by nic98ole reviews
Who would have figured one night of passion would have ruined his entire life. Kames/Cargan. R&R!
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 76,862 - Reviews: 461 - Favs: 275 - Follows: 102 - Updated: 8/9/2011 - Published: 5/29/2011 - Kendall, James - Complete
Eye of the Storm by Kitty Howell reviews
Logan wants nothing to do with the gang world, but when he hears of his step-brother James' plan to kill the rival leader, Kendall Knight, he feels he must warn him. Now he's caught in the middle of his step-brother and the man he can't help but fall for.
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance/Crime - Chapters: 20 - Words: 63,438 - Reviews: 260 - Favs: 294 - Follows: 141 - Updated: 7/14/2011 - Published: 1/22/2011 - Kendall, Logan - Complete
Life's What You Make It by The Orange Knight reviews
AU. They were both seemingly lost in their lives. But when their brought together, they will discover themselves and the true meaning of love. Kames/Cargan and teenie-weenie Kogan. *Complete.*
Big Time Rush - Rated: T - English - Romance/Family - Chapters: 23 - Words: 36,309 - Reviews: 188 - Favs: 66 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 7/11/2011 - Published: 2/22/2011 - James, Kendall - Complete
Come home Sex now! by shortyshorts reviews
James is on a "date" with a beautiful girl, but then he receives an interesting text from Logan...Jagan. Smut.
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,527 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 6 - Published: 7/3/2011 - James, Logan - Complete
Al Contacts by AndAllThatGoodStuff reviews
It didn't take a genius to figure out that in the heat of the moment, Kendall wasn't paying attention to what he was doing and pulled a Carlos by accidentally sending the text, not only to Logan, but to 'Al Contacts.'
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,330 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 2 - Published: 4/14/2011 - Kendall, Logan - Complete
His Little Girls by Runs with Werewolfs reviews
Set in the future, the guys are 20. James's parents are deadbeats and James's brother's a jerk who dumps their four year old twin sisters Libby and Sophie on James for the weekend, but how will the house hold up under two little girls. Jagan and Kenlos.
Big Time Rush - Rated: T - English - Family/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 10,283 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 4/1/2011 - Published: 2/12/2011 - James
Lost In Darkness by BTRobsession reviews
Kendall hasnt been himself lately and it seems no matter what Logan says or does it causes him physical pain. but when Logan finds out some unexpected news,will Kendall change. slight MPREG in later chapters. if not your thing dont read.
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Drama/Tragedy - Chapters: 27 - Words: 61,562 - Reviews: 159 - Favs: 85 - Follows: 34 - Updated: 2/20/2011 - Published: 1/14/2011 - Logan, Kendall - Complete
Pablo the Penguin! by InsanityIsBetter reviews
Carlos goes to the zoo alone and comes home with a new pet.
Big Time Rush - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,873 - Reviews: 6 - Favs: 16 - Published: 2/19/2011 - Carlos, Kendall - Complete
Camille Doesn't Know! by bakergirl reviews
Songfic from the popular Scotty Doesn't Know. MAJOR CARGAN!
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,733 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 4 - Published: 12/31/2010 - Carlos, Logan - Complete
Home by Runs with Werewolfs reviews
BTR heads home for the holidays, and finds out just how much they love their familys. BTR X OCs, but more about family and love than the OCS.
Big Time Rush - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 11,812 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 12/20/2010 - Published: 10/28/2010 - James, Mrs. Knight
Hi, My name is Ciara by TheJadeGeorge reviews
Join Ciara Bravo as she meets the actors from Big Time Rush, Film the show, developing a crush on someone and pulling pranks on the boys. This is Ciara's journey from the first episode on
Big Time Rush - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,416 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 24 - Published: 11/25/2010 - Katie K., Kendall
Spotlight by pinkwildcat94 reviews
*HIATUS* 4 cheerleaders are given a surprise when Griffin wants Gustavo to produce a girl group. Eventually, they put aside their pom-poms and move to LA. But there are doubts, obstacles and crushable BOYS...Can they survive working together? PLEASE R&R
Big Time Rush - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 8 - Words: 9,983 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 11/23/2010 - Published: 11/9/2010
For the Lovers of Jagan by waterwicca reviews
JAMES/LOGAN... A series of one-shots for the alluring coupling: James and Logan :D I also write "For the Lovers of Kogan/Jarlos/Kenlos/Kames/Cargan"
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 18,828 - Reviews: 125 - Favs: 198 - Follows: 142 - Updated: 11/22/2010 - Published: 10/19/2010 - James, Logan
For the Lovers of Kogan by waterwicca reviews
KENDALL/LOGAN... A series of one-shots for the lovely coupling: Kendall and Logan :D I also write "For the Lovers of Jagan/Jarlos/Kenlos/Kames/Cargan"
Big Time Rush - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 34,361 - Reviews: 155 - Favs: 214 - Follows: 163 - Updated: 11/16/2010 - Published: 10/7/2010 - Kendall, Logan
Confessions of A Broken Heart by IHeartLogiebear reviews
Friends are there for each other through the good and the bad times. When James's world falls apart, Logan is there to help him through it.
Big Time Rush - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,086 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 2 - Published: 11/6/2010 - James, Logan - Complete
Finally Falling by IHeartLogiebear reviews
Since James's mom died, he has tried to be strong for everyone else. Today, it's the first anniversary of his mom's death. Can his friends convince him that it's okay to show his emotions? Or will he continue to keep everything locked up inside?
Big Time Rush - Rated: K+ - English - Angst/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,256 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 3 - Published: 9/12/2010 - James - Complete
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Bad Girls Club reviews
The Odyssey School. A charter school for rebels. Its mission is to train parents' wild children to become "good boys and girls." Yeah, right.!
Big Time Rush - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,223 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 2/20/2014 - Published: 10/27/2010
My Boyfriend's Hotter Than Yours
Aubrey Morgan, Stephanie King, Camille Roberts, and Jennifer are dating the boys of Big Time Rush. Each one of them believes that their guy is the hottest, leading to a little disagreement. Throw in a crapload of cupcakes and other delicious baked goods and what do you get? A hot mess.
Big Time Rush - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,204 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 2/20/2014 - Camille, Stephanie K., Jennifers, OC
Hurts So Good reviews
It was like the universe wanted to keep shit going. It was like the universe wanted Shauna to continue being a bitch. The universe clearly hated Shauna's guts because the universe kept sending James Diamond to screw with her. The universe really needed a good punch in the face.
Big Time Rush - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,675 - Reviews: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 1/27/2014 - Kendall, Logan, James, Carlos
iThink I'm In Love reviews
It sucks to love someone with everything you have and not be loved back. Sometimes all you have to do is just move on.
iCarly - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,459 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 2 - Published: 8/6/2011 - Freddie B.
Big Time Daycare Drama! reviews
The guys have to get jobs again and this time...Gustavo gets to pick, so he arranges for them to work at the local daycare center, Caterpillar Clubhouse, where they meet the center's four lovely employees.
Big Time Rush - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,627 - Reviews: 22 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 1/12/2011 - Published: 1/10/2011
Love Games reviews
Sonny's adopted sister comes to stay and Nico has a little crush on her. Good news is that she likes him back. With her sister's help, will the two end up together? Or will something get in the way? Nico/OC
Sonny with a Chance - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,671 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 9 - Published: 11/4/2010 - Nico H.
That Day In the Park reviews
Logan and his girlfriend, Shauna spend some time together in Palmwoods Park and he gives her a little surprise.
Big Time Rush - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 946 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 2 - Follows: 1 - Published: 10/26/2010 - Logan - Complete