Poll: TSTC: What do you want? Vote Now!
Author has written 16 stories for Sonic the Hedgehog, Shugo Chara!, and Fullmetal Alchemist.
Back to college.
.(’•.*.•’).•‘ )/†\( ’•.(’•.*.•’).
AA — First FMA triple drabble. Ed and Elicia on the day he babysits her. Simple cuteness. Inspired by the hours I spent with a three year-old. Cover art by yours truly. Again, Again! can also be read here:
DD — I'm also doing a Drabble Dozen, 12 drabbles for Shugo Chara! Ƥϻ me with single word prompts that you'd like me to use.
FNJS — Edward and Alphonse brotherly fluff/life. Nonyaoi. Sister-drabble to Just Sleep, For Now, by mismantle, which can be read here.
GaGL — Another FMA double drable, inspired by my papá, who will never stop being funny, and his days in service. Nonyaoi with Ed, Al, and the colonel. Get a Good Look can also be read here:
IDDI — A familial/fluff double drabble between young Ed and Trisha with a little bit of Alphonse. Based on a true story. I Didn't Do It can also be read here:
LaF — FMA double drabble wherein Ed reflects on his relationship with the colonel and comes to an unexpected realization. As per usual, nonyaoi. On the contrary, it veers more toward parental!Roy. Based on an experience I had with my roommate.
TMtT — I'll write the last chapter of Tell Me the Truth eventually, but there's only one chapter left... First chapter revised. This was my (incomplete) first fanfic, so it's only still on this site for memory's sake.
TSTC — I'm currently working on Title Subject To Change, which is my first AU fic. Ƥϻ me if you have any plot ideas. I am actually a human like you are and I love getting messages. Don't be shy! Contains eventual parental!Roy, brotherly love/devotion, parental!Maes, and a bit of fluff and angst. Nonyaoi and has a surprise that some may hate and some may love. TSTC is updated sporatically. Enjoy!
UCfLD — FMA double drabble with Mustang and Hawkeye. Where Roy's mind goes when given two options to think about: paperwork vs. lieutenant. Somewhat Royai. Unacceptable Conditions for Legal Documents can also be read here:
ıllıllı тoтαl revιewѕ: 417 ıllıllı
—̨̊̂̌̆̊̄'·.-' Disclaimer '-.·'—̧̊̂̌̆̊̄
I (TheSleepingNeko) don't own any of the characters, universe, and/or anything related to the respective series that I use in my various fanfics. I only own the plots, and if I don't own those, then the friends and family I stole them from didn't have any legal rights to the plot-bunnies, either. I'm probably the only one who remembers them, anyway. On top of that, I deserve them for giving away so many most of the time! And if I did own any of said copyrighted material, you would be seeing my stories on TV or in books, not here. Honestly. So don't sue me. I want to use my money for something other than a lawsuit. Thank you.
Hey, what's up? (I don't actually expect you to reply to that...people might look at you oddly if you're talking to a computer. Then again...)
Anyway, here's a bit about me:
Firstly, I :ℓσvε:* reviews! It can be as simple as one word, a rating in stars, thumbs-up/-down, like/dislike, criticism, or just a demand to update! I especially love long reviews, but I'm also overjoyed to get short ones, too. I'm always on the lookout for advice on my writing, whether it's grammar and spelling, style, plot, or just telling me when I made a mistake.
I always want feedback. I personally respond to every review I receive. I also squeal with joy and gaze at my computer screen (and at the username of whomever reviewed) lovingly every time I get a review. Feedback makes me like, 10x more motivated to continue w/ a story ASAP. And, hey, if there's something about one of my stories you really dislike, or is confusing, I'll never know unless you tell me. And I'm still just as happy to get a review the day after I publish a story, to a year after I publish it.
My sole interest in writing is having a semi-passion for it—though, sadly, plot-bunnies don't come to me often... My purpose for posting a story is to make other people happy with what I write(sounds sappy; it's the complete truth). And my reason for continuing a story is people enjoying what I write—and telling me so through reviews.
- T h e S l e e p i n g N e k o
-族 ·*''*·友. ғ - ƒ - Ƒმოἶℓყ .友·*''*· 族-
Younger sister: mismantle
Betreader and awesome friend: awesomenaruto
Support from the beginning: A Lost Sheep
RL friend: SuperVilleLockian
Another RL friend: Fanficrazy
If you wanna be added to this list, no prob. Just Ƥϻ me with something.
By and by, I generate viewers. Some of those come to my page to know more about me. Others just come here because they're astounded at my procrastination-ability. So, either way, here's some info for you to learn/entertain yourself while you're sittin' here:
Name: Livie / Livvy
Sex: Free peppermints if you figure it out!
Age: Between 17 – 22
Birthday: May 29th
Home state: It starts with the letter "V".
City: Not telling you that.
Street: You totally don't need to know.
House Address: Are you a stalker or something?!
School: University of Mary Washington
Family: Older bro, three younger sisters, younger brother, mom, dad, & myself
Pets: Three corn snakes: Tucker & Cigarette, & Nikki, and a dog: Gizmo, and a betta fish: Evil Knievel (Nie'l).
Interests: Writing—fanfics included, drawing—on paper and on the computer, mathematics, politics, animals, and...and I constantly think about life (yeah, pretty random stuff, huh?). Oh, and reading! I'm also a grammar freak.
Favorite books: Harry Potter, Inheritance Cycle, Artemis Fowl series, Maximum Ride series, Homestuck, Fullmetal Alchemist, & Shugo Chara!
Favorite TV shows: Shugo Chara!, Danny Phantom, Whipeout!, AFV, Fullmetal Alchemist(& Brotherhood), Supernatural, Sonic X, White Collar, Merlin, Once Upon a Time, Young Justice, Elementary, & Sherlock.
Favorite food: Um, Cookies, frozen yogurt, eggs, lasagna, chicken and dumplin's, cheesecake, chocolate, tacos, chocolate-covered pretzels, cherrys, ramen, fruit smoothies, peppermints... Am I boring you? Oh, and sandwiches! ...and Ramen...
Favorite color: baby pink
Other screen names I do/have use(d): gerbilgirl, paoliniFAN, BookLover16, TheSleepngNeko, SleepingNeko, Livie
—I do not:
Facts about me: Whenever I'm bored, I get any type of drawing utensil and draw flamels across my body. I've often been asked, "When did you get that tattoo?"
I sleep in the fetal position, trying to capture as much warmth to my body as I can. Except, however, during the summer. Then I lie on my back, but curl up as much as possible without ending up looking like a dead bug.
I am known to randomly pass out after having shots/bloodwork done.
I can lick my elbow, but when I try to do both at once, I feel like I'm about to pull my shoulders out of their sockets.
I spend too much time reading. Far too much.
I am known for being a grammar nazi. And when someone fails to comply with the rules of proper grammar, I do that little anime eyebrow twitch.
I'm a terrible liar and, therefore, never play any card-games that involve bluffing.
I can then eat a one pound burrito in under five minutes.
I like to creep people out by staring at them until they look at me, then licking my teeth and wiggling my eyebrows at them.
I have never had a boyfriend. Nor do I need one right now.
I can obsess over the inability to divide by zero.
If I don't update quickly enough, I feel too guilty to check my inbox until at least 100 messages have piled up. Then I feel even worse.
My papá and I can get into heated discussions about, numbers, taxes, politics, English, and puns.
I talk to myself out loud.
I can't kill an animal unless it's a cockroach, fly, or anything parasitic. My dislike for the aforementioned borders on phobia.
I have only ever had a haircut once…and I lost 16 inches that time.
I enjoy sticking on headphones, lying in the floor in random positions, closing my eyes, and listening to jumpstyle techno. I just hope someone won't step on me.
I put fabric paint on everything, including myself. It only makes more enjoyable when it glows in the dark.
You're more than welcome to Ƥϻ me with anything else you'd like to know so I can add it to the list.
Interesting fact: Beta (Β β) is the second letter of the Greek alphabet. Therefore, if you beta-read for someone, you can refer to them as your Alpha (Α α)—the first letter of the Greek alphabet. And, if you employ two beta-readers—say, if they each specialize in different areas or you just want to be safe—you could call them your "first beta" and "second beta", or you can refer to them as your "beta-reader" and your "gamma-reader", Gamma (Γ γ) being, obviously, the third letter in the Greek alphabet. You could also call your readers your gammas if you have them spot mistakes.
ıllıllı тнe 27 coммandмenтѕ oғ ғanғιcтιon ıllıllı
1. Thou shalt not posteth a fic until it has been checked for grammar and spelling errors. The fanfiction gods have given thee a spellchecker on the computer for good reason. Use it. Otherwise, employeth a beta reader.
2. Thou shalt not posteth a chapter of fewer than 100 words, unless it is a drabble. This displeases the masses.
3. Thou shalt not put thine author's notes in the middle of the story.
4. Thou shalt NEVER useth text-speak in a fic, unless the characters are actually texting.
5. Thou shalt keepeth to one tense, and only one, throughout the story. Do not switcheth randomly.
6. Applyeth the above number 5 to POVs, as well.
7. Thou shalt not get totes offended when someone makest fun of the crack pairing featured in thy fanfiction. It probably is rather hilarious.
8. Thou shalt not useth O.o, ;p, or D: in a fanfiction to showeth the emotion exhibited by a character.
9. Thou shalt tryeth to keep characters in-character!
10. Thou shalt not treateth every criticism as a flame.
11. The author's note is not a spot for thy personal drama, and thou shalt not maketh it so.
12. Thou shalt not puteth any form of the phrase "first fic" in thy summary.
13. Thy created characters must not have names that exceed five syllables in length. Nor shall their names have more than five words in length.
14. Thou shalt not inserteth thyself into the story line as thyself or as a character—yes we know that thou are in love with thyrself and are very narcissistic, we just don’t want to read about how thou endeth up with the main character.
15. If thou art writing a story that does not follow the original story line, pointeth it out in the beginning.
16. Thou shalt not maketh a person randomly smart or powerful unless stating a reason for this change—a good reason.
17. Thou shalt show and not tell.
18. Thou shalt not EVER useth the phrase "I suck at summaries" in thy summary. This annoys thy readers.
19. Thou shalt not writeth the same way thou speaketh—writing is an art.
20. Thou shalt ALWAYS spelleth the word "okay" (or O.K.) correctly. Using the letter "K" is an unacceptable compromise.
21. Thou shalt only useth clichés when thou a) art writing a parody, or b) hath found a new and interesting twist to make such clichés bearable to thy readers.
22. Thou shalt always separateth dialogue from two different speakers in two separate paragraphs. Otherwise thy readers shalt be confuse-ed.
23. Thou shalt not EVER maketh a chapter all one paragraph. THIS INFURIATES BOTH THIY READER AND THE FANFICTION GODS. They have given thee an ENTER key with good reason.
24. Thou shalt not write with thy caps lock on; it displeases the masses and causes thy readers to lose their vision and makes angels weep.
25. Thou shalt know how to spell the character's names correctly before thou writeth thy fic. Misspelling the name of the main characters makes readers angry and distracts from the story.
26. Thou shalt not say in thy summary "summary inside". This shows lack of creativeness and infuriates the masses. The only exception is when a summary is cut short and a continuation of it lies inside.
27. Thou shalt useth paragraphs and space the story so it is not terrifyingly daunting to thy readers.
Keep the ιc in fanfιction. Otherwise, it's just fanftion. And, let's face it, nobody wants to have to read something like that.
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Help themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you, saying, "THAT WAS FREAKING AWSOME!!"
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won’t tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when you're not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Ask you to write down your number for them.
BEST FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days berfore giving it back
BEST FRIENDS: Lose your crap and tell you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd's butt if they so much as turn their faces away from you.
FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Will walk right in and say, "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: Have to be asked not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will comfort you when the guy rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up to him and say, "It’s because you're gay, isn't it?"
FRIENDS: Will repost this.
BEST FRIENDS: Will hack your account, then post it on your profile, sitting back and laughing when you find it.
On Sears hairdryer:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On a Korean kitchen knife:
On a string of Christmas lights:
On a food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume:
Ways To Annoy Your Roommate
— Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).
"Please do me right now. On the kitchen table. On the bed. On the couch. Shoot I'll even take on the floor in front of the TV. Just do me. –Sincerely, your homework."
"Guess who? I will find you, take you to bed & have my way with you. You will moan, groan, and even beg me to stop. I'll exhaust you & leave all worn out. It's me, the Stomach Flu."
"You came to me one night. Explored my body, licked, sucked, swallowed! When satisfied, you left & I was hurt!!... Stupid mosquito!"
An optimist is someone who falls off the empire state building and after 50 floors says, "So far, so good!"
I've learned from my mistakes, and I'm sure I could repeat them exactly.
If life gives you lemons, alter their DNA and make SUPER LEMONS!
Do not disturb, I'm disturbed already.
Flying is simple, you just throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them.
Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
You know, you do this annoying thing where you open your mouth and then these things you call words come out. Yeah like that. Stop it.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
I battle sarcasm with logic. I call it logicasm.
Some people are like slinkies. They seem to have no purpose, but they still bring you a smile when you push them down the stairs.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
I smile because I have no idea what's going on.
Did you know "gullible" isn't a real word?
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because I just rigged your house with explosives.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work hard for it. Now quiet, they're announcing the lottery numbers.
Irony: Falling down the stairs due to the distraction of the "Watch your step" sign.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?
If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.
I don't know what my problem is. But I do know it's really hard to pronounce.
If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I'm such a REBEL. I leave messages before the beep!
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every last minute of it!
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
Drive it like you stole it!
Sanity? I've never heard of such a useless thing to begin with!
I didn't lose my mind. I sold it on eBay.
There are two types of pedestrians—the quick and the dead.
There are few problems that can't be solved with high explosives.
You are such a good friend! Now that our ship is sinking, and there is only one life vest... I'll miss you heaps and think of you often.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
We have enough gun control, what we need is idiot control.
Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I didn't say it was your fault. I was just blaming it on you.
A computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
Don't follow in my footsteps—I walk into walls.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
You know it's going to be a bad day when you fall out of bed and miss the floor.
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
There are three sides of an argument. Your side, my side, and the right side.
The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.
If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' is congress the opposite of progress?
Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: fear of long words.
Always remember that you're unique... Just like everyone else.
••» 15 тнι̇иgѕ уσυ иєνєя ωαит тσ нєαя ωнι̇ןє υиєяgσιиg ѕυяgєяу «••
2. "Better save that; we'll need it for autopsy."
3. "Oh no, stand back! I lost my contact lens!"
4. "Bo-Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog!"
5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen...then what's that?"
6. "Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right?"
7. "Hand me that...uh...that uh...that thingy."
8. "What do you mean you want a divorce?!"
9. "Uh-oh! Has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
10. "Crap, there go the lights again..."
11. "Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing off my concentration."
12. "Y'know, there's big money in kidneys, heck, this guy's got two of 'em!"
13. "That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?"
14. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"
15. "Someone call the janitor—we're going to need a mop."
„.-•”ˆ -Bad Day To Heaven- ˆ”•-.„
It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife had been secretly seeing someone else, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony—we live on the 25th floor—and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, which I died from."
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and, since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below mine, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes when I fell. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this; I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."
*Hƹllo, welcome to the ɱєภȶคl ђєคlȶђ hotlι̊ne.*
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother-ship.
If you suffer from schizophrenia, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer, anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you are bi-polar, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, please try to call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All of our representatives are busy.
Thε Gεɲdεr σf a Comρutεr
A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.
"House," in French, is feminine-"la mansion."
"Pencil," in French, is masculine - "le crayon."
One puzzled student asked, "...What gender is computer?..."
The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.
Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but they are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
Fan fiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker.
If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. Then again, there would be downsides, too:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car XP" or "Car 2000". But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning light would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. You would press the "start " button to shut off the engine.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
SECURITY SYSTEM INSTALLATION
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14–16 k boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke, and Slim. I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls—they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood.
How You Know You're Obsessed with Writing Fanfiction
1. When you ask yourself a question as one character and respond as another one.
2. When you begin to compare what a friend says to something one of your characters would say.
3. When you are talking to a friend and you suddenly scream, “Oh my gosh! I just got the greatest idea for a story of mine!” and your idea has
4. When you lock yourself in your room, crank up the music, and act out an entire story…and then forget everything you thought of.
5. When you are listening to a song and go “Oh my gosh! This song is exactly what (Insert story here) is about!”
6. When you run around the house dancing and thinking of an idea, acting all crazy, and write the scene that turns out to be a very sad, calm scene.
7. When you fear to daydream because you are afraid of your characters hunting you down and killing you for the torture you put them through.
8. When you can’t fall asleep without thinking about what is going to happen in your next chapter.
9. When you begin to envision your own version of someone else’s fanfic.
10. When you think out loud and start giggling and jumping around talking to yourself when you come up with a good idea.
—1O1 ώÄy$ ţσ αиῆ๏¥ Ƥε0ρℓE ɨŃ ǥeɲ£яąĻ—
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write, "for smuggling diamonds".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep, Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog."
15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training".
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener that it was "a real hoot".
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person".
26. Finish all your sentences with the words, "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way".
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel in pen on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Order something at a restaurant only after you've asked for the prices of every other thing on the menu.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backward.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
69. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, "No, wait, I messed it up." and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Roger's theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a".
84. Sit in your front yard, pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a lot of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant, "swing-batabatabata-suhWING batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder" and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
Bored? - Next time you answer the phone pick it up and say, "City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em."
I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though. Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't too bad here, it only rained twice last week. The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got another bill from the funeral home. They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.
Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me; she's going to call it Mom.
Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
A Gʀᴇᴀᴛ Wʀɪᴛᴇʀ
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
(•._.• -:elevator unɟ:- •._.•)
When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.
Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Lay down a twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, "Did you feel that?"
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic; they open again!"
Swat at flies that don't exist.Tell people that you can see their aura.
Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of them!" and back away slowly.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space!"
)•) Poems I've Learned From My Southern Family (•(
Bright one morning in the middle of the night,
Back-to-back, they faced each other,
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
If you don't believe my story is true,
Once upon a time,
The line broke,
I had a little monkey,
Along came a choo-choo,
I had a little pig,
So I got me a hammer,
:30 Reasons to Thank my Mother:
1. My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
2. My mother taught me prayer.
3. My mother taught me about time travel.
4. My mother taught me logic.
5. My mother taught me more logic.
6. My mother taught me foresight.
7. My mother taught me irony.
8. My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
9. My mother taught me about contortion.
10. My mother taught me about stamina.
11. My mother taught me about weather.
12. My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
13. My mother taught me the circle of life.
14. My mother taught me about behavior modification.
15. My mother taught me about envy.
16. My mother taught me about anticipation.
17. My mother taught me about receiving.
18. My mother taught me medical science.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me humor.
21. My mother taught me how to become an adult.
22. My mother taught me genetics.
23. My mother taught me about my roots.
24. My mother taught me wisdom.
25. My mother taught me the importance of a good night's sleep.
26. My mother taught me about anatomy.
27. My mother taught me about procrastination.
28. My mother taught me about metaphors.
My mother taught me about mythical creatures.
30. My mother taught me about justice.
(•·.··.·• TʜᴇSʟᴇᴇᴘɪɴɢNᴇᴋᴏ •·.··.·•)