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Author has written 72 stories for Bible, Sonic the Hedgehog, Looney Tunes, Elder Scroll series, Pokémon, Daria, Kingdom Hearts, Evangelion, Suite Life series, True Blood, Fable, DuckTales, Goof Troop, Attack on Titan/進撃の巨人, Star Wars, A Goofy Movie, and Harry Potter.
cornwallace, also known as cornwallace and cornwallace, is a fifteen-tailed grey kitsune. Hailing from Teckas (not to be confused with Texas), he received his life's calling from the Son of God (a.k.a. Jesus): to be blessed with the power to rape fandoms in the Lord's name by writing fanfickshunz (not to be confused with fanfictions). He has also been known to shoot laser beams from his eyes, as well as eat bullets and shit lead. His powers are not well understood even by him. Terms between cornwallace and the Lord Jesus have remained friendly, only until recently. 1
He also has a fursona: a Native American human who only goes by the cryptic moniker of cornwallace. cornwallace made him only for shits and giggles, and consistently beats him up for insubordination. When asked about his fursona, cornwallace has been known to express disgust. "He was just keeping me from reaching my true power," he said in an interview. "I don't love him anymore."
Other than raping fandoms, cornwallace has been known to display super strength, as well as other superpowers which appear randomly and have been known to have devastating effects.2 For this reason, he has been accused of being a Mary Sue. This was clarified in a further interview, where cornwallace explained that he had, in fact, been infused with the blood of many, many Mary Sues as part of a government experiment in the sixties. However, in a later interview, he declared that he had killed these Mary Sues himself, and injected their blood into his veins. "My agent had told me to keep my addiction to Mary Sue blood a secret," he said, "but now that I've killed my agent, I no longer have a fuck to give."
His weapons include his two pistols, which, through poor description of physical limitations, have unlimited ammunition as well as an instant reload. Laser vision, too. He also has nine-hundred and eleven tails. And is knowledgeable in kung-fu. But perhaps the most important weapon is himself: the anti-canon. His most holiest power, it manifests itself as a huge pile of shit that he forces from his ass and flings upon the fandom. Then, as his signature, he runs away laughing. He will do this to any and every fandom possible, since it is the Lord's calling that he do so.
Another aspect of cornwallace is that he gets all the chicks. Unless they are ugly. Ugly chicks do offend the lord cornwallace. And dickgirls are right out. However, his alcoholic-fueled rage puts him in a constant state of bloodlust, which forces him to murder every living thing he gets his hand on. 3
cornwallace has been known to be active on FFnet, a popular but cancerous website that specializes in fanfiction. He was last seen touring the country with The Grateful Dead. He is presumed dead. If you have any CREDIBLE evidence of the whereabouts of cornwallace, please, tell him to get off his ass.
o 1.1 Sonic the Hedgehog
o 1.2 Looney Tunes
2 an interview with cornwallace
3 infamous cornwallace quotes
Sonic the Hedgehog
Affectionately referred to as "Sawnick" by cornwallace himself. Though cornwallace is held in high regard for many of his smaller turds cast into the cesspool of the Sawnick fandom456, one that particularly stands out is entitled Balls off. 7. When asked about Balls off in an interview, he said: "Balls off. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh." Then proceeded to touch himself. At yet another interview, he said: "Fuck you, it's Dallas." Only after forcibly removing and consuming the reporter's colon.
Sawnick is, in fact, cornwallace's most raped canon. "She doesn't even cry anymore," he said, about the fandom. "She'll just impatiently sigh and ask if I'm done yet. It's only satisfying when they cry. I need to think of something really sick and depraved, so she'll begin weeping again."
"Looney Tunes, in fact, still cries," cornwallace supplied a reporter with. "Though she's quite used to my hard and holy rod of anti-canon justice by now. Star Fox, on the other hand, starts weeping when I touch her." A similar answered was offered for Pokemon.
an interview with cornwallace
Having learned about the elusive cornwallace, this reporter decided to track him down, in order to get a better sense of his character and his beliefs. It wasn't easy. I had to travel all over Teckas, searching for his friends and relatives. Each piece was part of an intricate puzzle I had no hopes of solving. Then, one day, thanks to an anonymous tip off by his fursona, I found him.
I've posted the entire interview here.
cornwallace: What's going on, here?
Reporter: So cornwallace, if I may. Well, how many tails do you have, exactly?
cornwallace: That's a personal question, and you may not. But I think it's somewhere around nine. Or is it eleven?
Reporter: I see.
cornwallace: Final answer. No.
Reporter: I understand. I'll drop it.
cornwallace: You had better. Do you know who I am?
ahem Uh... I'm sorry if I offended you, sir.
cornwallace: I'm fucking cornwallace. ... No, I'm fucking cornwallace.
cornwallace: I don't have to take that kinda shit off no white person.
Reporter: That clarifies it. So. If I may ask you another question, cornwallace.
Reporter: If I have my information correct, it says that you have superpowers.
Reporter: Is it true that they were granted by Jesus himself?
cornwallace: Yeah, Jesus gave them to me. We go way back. But you see, Jesus hired us to direct his upcoming Revelations project. And we mulled it over and decided why not? What the hell? So, we do the first three chapters, and Jesus got all whiny and gay Something about wanting more money and bitches. And so, he fired us. And Revelations was a failure. And Balls off is a huge success. Take that, Jesus.
Reporter: Interesting. But since your split, he has not revoked your powers in any way?
cornwallace: Nah, he created this monster, but he can't destroy it. You see, some would argue, mainly me, that I am more powerful than Jesus.
Reporter: That answers my next question. If you and Jesus fought to the death, who would win? Assuming there would be lots of muscles and oiling and grunting.
cornwallace: Me. I would kick his ass. He doesn't have laservision.
Reporter: Laser vision is key. So. The Sawnick fandom. Why was this the first fandom you destroyed? Any reason?
cornwallace: The first fandom I molested was Tenchi Muyo!
cornwallace: Because of Magical Girl Pretty Noboyuki!
Reporter: Uh. My information is incorrect. Sorry.
cornwallace: And then I was banned from . For doing things. Then, I started working on a Sonic website run by some kid. And I posted my trollings up on his site, and FFnet. The site was deleted, and the second account banned. And so, my marriage to Sawnicks was simple. And I've been molesting her ever since. She cried up until recently. Now that she doesn't cry anymore, it loses flavor.
Reporter: Ah. Right. I heard that. Now. Balls off. Your masterpiece, am I correct?
cornwallace: touches self It's the best thing I've ever written. Actually, no: I take that back. It's the best thing that has ever been written. Ever. Since the beginning of time.
Reporter: Oh. Uh. Would you please stop touching yourself?
Reporter: It's making me uncomfortable.
cornwallace: I WILL NOT!
Reporter: Uh, okay.
cornwallace: I AM A PROUD FOX.
Reporter: Then, uh. All right. Um.
cornwallace: I DO THIS FOR KISTUNE KIND. And because it pleases me.
Reporter: What... was... your inspiration... for Balls off?
cornwallace: Furfaggotry. _ It's like, the pre-yiffing-in-hell ecstasy. Shameless furfags. Yiffing their way to hell. But you see: all of this is symbolism. For something of a higher power. God told me this, that is to say, I looked into the mirror and said things.
Reporter: So you are God?
Reporter: Oh. Well that makes a lot of sense.
cornwallace: You are all just voices in my brain.
Reporter: I guessed as much. But it is true about what they say. About furfags.
cornwallace: Oh yeah. They yiff, man. They yiff in hell.
Reporter: I can't remember how it ends.
cornwallace: And over and over. And over and over. Prah.
Reporter: I can't remember how it ends, and it's not called Laurence of Arabia anymore, I can't remember how it ends.
cornwallace: We can breathe again. Prah. Prah. Prah. Prah.
Reporter: The skeleton of space is scalding the flesh of flames!
cornwallace: AND YOU! DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME.
Reporter: Don't you walk out on me Grant! I need you! So cornwallace, if I may.
Reporter: We know that you enjoy raping fandoms to pieces. But what is your personal mission? Do you feel fulfilled solely with this destruction? Or is there something larger behind it?
cornwallace: Well, let's see. My secret plans are to infecticide the entire FFnet community. If there's one thing I leave behind, I just hope it will be the death of canon. I will take that fucker down and make him eat his girlfriend's lungs. Fanfiction, you see. By definition, it isn't canon. Once I kill canon, it will die. And I'll piss on it. For justice. ... The end.
Reporter: That's... beautiful.
cornwallace: Thank you. bow Reporter: Truly beautiful. I applaud you. One more question. WANNA YIFF.
cornwallace: JA JA. YIFF!
Reporter: YIFF YIFF YIFF YIFF YIFF HHHHHHORK ASDF
cornwallace: YIFF YIFF YIFF YIFF YIFF Yiff. Yiff? I'm.. yiffing?
Reporter: That, uh, concludes this interview.
cornwallace: Yiff, yiff yiff. Prah.
Reporter: Any final remarks you'd like to make to your fans, cornwallace?
cornwallace: Let me think about this one. Hard. ... AND YOU! DON'T YOU FUCK WITH ME!
cornwallace: Also, I'll see you in hell. Maybe we'll yiff.
Reporter: I think we've all learned something today.
Reporter: Furfags. They yiff in hell.
cornwallace: They always do. Every. Last. One.
I came away from the interview with a sense of inner fulfillment; a peace that I couldn't adequately describe. What I had found was an unrelenting resource of insanity. I had seen a more brilliant light than I could've imagined, and it did cause my eyes to twitch and struh nirab yM. And I have cornwallace to thank.
May his devastating canon-raping holiness be with you all.
infamous cornwallace quotes
"Canon is for people who wear socks with sandals."
"If it bleeds, you can fuck it. If it doesn't bleed, you can probably fuck it."
"I just want to show you all my love. By that, I mean I want to cum in your eyes."
"Misunderstand my fist up your ass."
"Fuck you and the dick you rode in on, you fat hooker."
"Don't touch my cloaca."
"Canon is for people who wear plaids with stripes."
"Because it made my dick tingle. That's why, you uppity cunt."
"I am incapable experiencing love. I just fuck everything I get close to until they die in some way."
"I sprinkle everything I create with soul shavings."
"CANON IS FOR PEOPLE THAT WEAR SKIRTS WITH LEGGINGS."