Poll: Alright my friends, I want to know how many people will be helping with my latest story, The Gamer Effect? Vote Now!
Author has written 4 stories for Naruto, Game X-overs, Soul Calibur, Fullmetal Alchemist, Mass Effect, and Dragon Age.
name: Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gumbigobila Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andres Charton-Haymoss Ivanovicci Baldeus George Doitzel van Kaiser the III
age: somewhere between 1 and 9000!
Gender: 100% Man
Hobbies: Controlling the world, conquer nations, Taking long walks along the beach drinking the blood of my enemies from their shattered skulls
dislikes: hippies, stupid people, stupid villians who are over dramatic, and once again stupid people!
Sanity is for the weak!
The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord
My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.Shooting is not too good for my enemies.The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.If my trusted lieutenant tell me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him.. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual.If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords.If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.I will see a compentant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonable practical."If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more alone the lines of "Push the button/"I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.(this is not mine but I give it to you readers)
Work vs Prison
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
So why is it, again, that we work?
FAKE VS. REAL
FAKE FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
REAL FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
FAKE FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr./Mrs.
REAL FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD/MOM.
FAKE FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
REAL FRIENDS: Will sit next to you saying “Damn … we really messed up … but that sure was fun!”
FAKE FRIENDS: Never seen you cry.
REAL FRIENDS: Cry with you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
REAL FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours.
FAKE FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
REAL FRIENDS: Can write a book about you, with direct quotes from you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
REAL FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will knock on your front door.
REAL FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME!”
FAKE FRIENDS: Are for awhile.
REAL FRIENDS: Are for life.
FAKE FRIENDS: Say they are too busy to listen to your problems, but when it comes to them they expect you to have all the time in the world.
REAL FRIENDS: Not only kick everything out of their schedule to listen to what’s wrong, but help come up with vindictive plans to make you feel a whole lot better!
FAKE FRIENDS: Make you say sorry when you want to talk to them at odd hours of the night, or even just hang out at odd hours.
REAL FRIENDS: Come right over and hang out with you, until you either fall asleep, or kick them out.
FAKE FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
REAL FRIENDS: Will repost it
Onirudra37's Rules for combat
~When one is about to die, let you gaseous farts out, you dont want to take them with you...
~When one sees something that they can not beat, do what comes naturally: RUN LIKE HELL!
~When you and your oponent are about to use your strongest attacks against one another, even the field, grab the melons or kick the coconuts, your sure to win by general WTFness.
~When going against someone who is stronger, faster, smarter, and has a greater attention span, flip them off and play dead by seizure and heart attack.
~The hand that feeds usually ends up bitten, the hand that holds the chidori usually becomes a human bug zapper.
~When a fist to the chest doesn't do the trick, boot to the head will even the score considerably.
~When strong attack meets weak defense guess what happens... whoops too slow.
~How one is supposed to be beaten is not the qestion, how you hide from them afterwards is what you should be answering.
~When a weapon is tearing its way through your chest consider this: Did i leave the stove on?
~When a man with a plan meets one who doesn't think ahead they both realize something, i have yet to figure out what.
~The greatest rule of fighting dirty, nothing is too underhanded, despicable, creepy or perverted to be useless, unless it turns out that it is useless than you just give up.
~The saddest attack when fighting dirty is when you dont have the chance to do something dirty.
~When destroying an enemy encampment, dont forget to kill the would be avengers.
~When stabbing make sure the knife blade is facing away from the body.
~When using a double sided knife do not stab, Ow.
~When charging, run away from the screaming legions.
~Head to head is overly exagerrated, head to foot is far more acceptable.
~When fighting a close range expert, back the fuck up.
~When a spear is thrusting at you, do not hip thrust back, it hurts.
~When sword is slashing at you, do not respond with chop, will result in loss of hand.
~When axe is hacking at you do not headbutt... ... ... i warned you.
~When tackling from the side, head stays above waistline, its best for everyone's sake.
~Shoulder tackles are so outdated, knees to the chin are much more fun.
~If you are shy and your opponent takes this as weakness and begins to gloat, i reccomend a chibi with a large mallet.
~When wrapped up in rope, dont try to escape. The enemy will eventually lose interest and you can walk out anyway.
~How the enemy is advancing should be ignored, rather how their generals are going to attack should be a greater issue.
~Never repeat never, attack an enemy encampment right after opening a jar of peanut butter, it is destined to great loss.
~Wood is just as capable as steel when making a weapon, even better for a flaming one
THE WE LOVE SASUKE-BASHING CLUB: If you hate Sasuke from NARUTO and love making him suffer, copy and paste this into your profile and add your name to the list: Kinomi-chan, EstherAngelofDeath, 9shadowcat9, Akatsuki wolves6, Moto2201, OniRudra37,Bazerkerking
DOWN WITH DANZO!! DOWN WITH DANZO!! DOWN WITH DANZO!! DOWN WITH DANZO!!!!!
If you are an ANIME FREAK, copy this into your profile
If you have ever tripped down the stairs copy this into your profile,
If you wish Masashi Kishimoto would please let Sakura hook up with Sasuke so she would shut up copy and paste this,
If you just wish for Sakura to shut up paste this,
If you want to see Sasuke bitch slap Sakura paste this,
If you belive Kyuubi attacked Sakura because she didn't like her and is tired of her hurting her man paste this,
If you wish Masashi would just kill Sakura copy and paste this,
If you just plain fucking hate Sakura copy and paste this into your profile,
If you wish Masashi Kishimoto would end Naruto with NarutoxFemKyuubi copy this to your profile,
If you believe Kyuubi secretly loves Naruto paste this,
If you wish Naruto would end with NarutoxTemari paste this to your profile,
If you beleive Temari has a crush on Naruto paste this,
If you just want Naruto would become hokage and have a beautiful wife(Excluding Sakura) and kid and live happily for the rest of his life paste this.
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
FRIENDS: Are only through highschool/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you can't draw anime boys worth crap, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever asked a really obvious, stupid question, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you've ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you KNOW the voices in your head are real, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you have ever felt the undeniable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you and your friends have a nickname, title, or anything else for each other, copy and paste this in your profile.
7 Ways to Scare your roommates
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, very soon..."
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the heck is my sandwich?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity ...
Answering Machine Messages:
1. Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya, We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...really slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
2. Hi. I'm probably home, but I'm avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't get back to you, it's you.
3. Hi. Now YOU say something!
4. Hello, if you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a "sexy" message, I'll call you sooner.
5. A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
6. Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have Lots of money!!
7. Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these plastic magnets.
8. This is not an answering machine...it's a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think your name, your number, and your reason for calling...and I'll think about returning your call.
9. Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number, and they will get back with you.
10. My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
101 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"
17. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
18. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
19. Start playing football; see how many people you can get to join in.
20. Run up to an employee (preferably a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"
21. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department
22. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "Sex and candy".
23. Tune all the radios to a polka station, turn them all off and turn up all the volumes to the max.
24. Play with the automatic doors.
25. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
26. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"
27. Repeat #26 in the jewelry department.
28. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.
29. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.
30. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
31. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
32. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
33. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
34. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
35. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
36. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hell" upside down.
37. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
38. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
39. Take bets on the battle described above.
40. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!)
41. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.
42. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
43. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags
44. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.
45. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
46. Two words: "Marco Polo."
47. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.
48. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
49. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them.
50. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.
51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
52. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.
53. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good Bessie."
54. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.
55. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.
56. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
57. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
58. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
59. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."
60. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.
70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.
71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag
72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"
73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes
74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices
75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane
76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)
77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saying "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"
78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight
79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.
80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.
81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section
82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.
83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.
84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.
85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.
86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"
87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.
88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught
89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.
90. Repeadeately say "The clowns are not eating me."
91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.
92. Rearrange items as you see fit.
93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.
94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs.
95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex).
96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended).
97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.
98. Follow someone until they notice.
99. Pull out pins, like that guy from the 7 Up commercial.
100. Throw Skittles at people and scream "TASTE THE RAINBOW!"
101. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.
Annoying Things To Do On An Elevator:
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE."If you're going
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
7. My mother taught me IRONY."Keep crying, and I'll give you something
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less
16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master...
My name is Tiffany
I am three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better
I wish I weren’t ugly,
Then maybe my mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can’t do a wrong,
I can’t speak at all,
Or else I'm locked up
All day long.
When I'm awake, I'm all alone.
The house is dark,
My folks aren’t home.
When my mommy does come home
I'll try and be nice,
So maybe I'll just get
One whipping tonight.
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie’s bar.
I hear him curse
My name is called
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try to hide
From his evil eyes,
I’m so afraid now
I’m starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
Calls me ugly words,
He says its my fault
He suffers at work.
He slaps and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And run to the door.
He’s already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I’m sorry!" I scream
But its now much too late,
His face has been twisted
Into a unimaginable shape.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
O please God, have mercy!
O please, let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Brawled on the floor.
My name is Tiffany
I am three,
Tonight my daddy
And if you read this
and don’t pass it on
I pray for your forgiveness
Because you would have to be
One heartless person
To not be effected
By this Poem
And because you are effected,
Do something about it!
IF YOU ARE AGAINST CHILD ABUSE PASTE THIS IN YOUR PROFILE
What a boyfriend would do...
• Grab her neck when you kiss her, it's a real turn on. Not her butt/boobs.
• Stay on the phone with her even if shes not saying anything.
• When she's mad hug her tight and don't let go then kiss her
• When she says she's ok dont believe it talk with her
• Never cheat on her because 10 yrs later she'll remember you
• Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her
• Call her before you sleep and after you wake up
• Treat her like a person and not something to show off for
• Tease her and let her tease you back.
• Stay up all night with her when she's sick.
• Watch her favorite movie with her.
• TRUST HER WITH HER GUY FRIENDS
• Let her wear your clothes.
• When she's bored and sad, hang out with her.
• Let her know she's important.
• Kiss her in the pouring rain.
• When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;
If you do post this in the next four minutes the one you love will :
This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man barried her while she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia
Sanity is for the weak.
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