2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals. 3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens. 5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away. 6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department. 8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" 9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose. 10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are. 11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song. 12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels. 13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!" 14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!" 15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here! 16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down an aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"
I'm the boy that when my feet touch the ground in the morning the devil says; "OH CRAP HE'S UP!"
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it.
The newscaster is the person who says "Good evening" and then tells you why it's not.
If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.
I used to have super powers, but then my therapist took them away.
Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
I will temporarily rule the world, forever.
lottery: a tax on people who don’t understand statistics.
If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it.
Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.
The problem with reality is a lack of background music.
I laugh in the face of death...maybe not laugh more like a snicker...a quiet snicker, and I wouldn't do it directly in death's face so, it's more like a quiet snicker behind death's back.
I know at least three people who would love to push me down the stairs.
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying "THAT WAS FRICKING AWSOME"
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Won’t tell everyone else you cried...just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Has you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your crap and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
REASONS I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
3 . My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION . "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.- Oscar Wilde
Excuse me. Have you seen my mind? I think I've lost it...
My mind works like lightning...one flash and then it's gone.
Growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound as they go by.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
If annoyed further, I shall spork your eyes out.
I'm not random, you just can't think as fast as me
MOO... I'm a fish
Silence is Golden, Ducktape is Silver
Guns don't kill people, People with mustaches do
Love isn't about joy, its about endurance
Life pushes us down, the only thing we can do is get back up and try again
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ... - Louis Hector Berlioz
When it rains on my party, I bust out the slip n' slide.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect to get it back!
Do illiterate people get the full benefit of alphabet soup?
Wouldn't it be fun to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?
If something goes without saying, why do people say it?
Please note : Christmas is cancelled - apparently you told Santa you were good this year ... and he died laughing
"It's always in the last place you look" Duh! If you had already found it, why would you keep looking?
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and then the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Whoever said "anything is possible" never tried to slam a revolving door.
Confusion is a term for the stupid.
I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.
I was gifted but the psychiatrist took away my powers
Come to the dark side, we have cookies!
I ran with scissors and lived! ( i seriously think that one should be put on a t-shirt)
You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff ... I laugh even harder
I'm going on a quest, to the deepest, darkest corners of my room, in search of what some would call a "floor" - a long and difficult task awaits me my friends, wish me luck, for I may not return alive
Life isn't passing me by - it's trying to run me over!
Don't run in the school hall, gliding is more fun!
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
Therapist = The/rapist... scary thought
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
I live in a world full of bunnies and unicorns...but the bunnies are cutting themselves and the unicorns are acting all emo again
You say I'm not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I'm not cold, I'm hot. I know I'm hot. Thanks for embracing it.
I swear to officer, I'm not god mr.drunk!
teachers are like slinkeys, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs
On a steak: Serving suggestion: Freeze (But wouldn't that hurt your teeth?)
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: 'Directions: Use like regular soap.' (and that would be how??...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: 'serving suggestion: defrost' (but its only a suggestion.)
Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on the bottom): 'Do not turn upside down' (well...duh, a bit late, huh?)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: 'Product will be hot after heating.' (...and you thought??)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: 'Do not iron clothes on body.' (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: 'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.' (we could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts...)
On Nytol sleep aid: 'warning: may cause drowsiness.' (and...I'm taking this because??...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: 'For indoor or ourtdoor use only.' (as opposed to...what?)
On a Japanese food processor: 'Not to be used for the other use.' (Now, somebody out there help me out on this one. I'm a bit curious...)
On Sainsbury peanuts:'Warning: contains nuts.' (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines pack of nuts: 'Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.' (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
If you read this, you have to repost it, guy or girl, or you will have bad luck for the rest of your life.
This is really sweet...
When a girl is quiet, a million things are running through her mind.
When a girl is not arguing, she is thinking deeply.
When a girl looks at you with her eyes full of question, she is wondering how long you will be around.
When a girl answers "I'm fine." after a few seconds, she is not fine at all.
When a girl stares at you, she is wondering why you are lying.
When a girl rests her head on your chest, she is wishing for you to be her's forever.
When a girl wants to see you everday, she wants to be pampered.
When a girl says "I love you." she means it.
When a girl says "I miss you." nobody could miss you more than that.
Life only comes around once, so make sure you spend it with the right person.
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, and calls you back when you hang up on him.
The guy who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kisses your forehead,
Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.
The one who holds your hand in front of his friends and is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you there for him.
The one who turns to his friends and declares "That's her.".
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that... You know you did.
You know you live in 2010 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played Solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they're not on Facebook.
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) And you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.
20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time , Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label it " In".
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks , Write "For Smuggling Diamonds".
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy".
8. Don't use any punctuation.
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water when ever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go".
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital. And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In the Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murderer chanted, "Toma Sota balcu",as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded.