Hello, and welcome to my profile. I have a list of vaguely interesting/funny pieces of literature below, or you can skip straight to my favorites section for a online of stories I think are awesome. Including, but not limited to: Harry Potter, Naruto, Fate/Stay Night, Evangelion, Zero no Tsukaimi/Familiar of Zero, Bleach, Mass Effect, Ranma, and one odd religious Invader Zim fic called 'Ayam'. It does not, in any way, reflect my religious views- it was simply good writing.
Besides the above named, there are many other various fandoms in there. I probably have at least one thing you'll like, and I sometimes clean out old dead fics, so check it out.
No, see, this is the part where his over stressed and fractured mind goes blank and he spams clones until he collapses, then gets back up with Kyuubi's Chakra and spams clones with that until Kyuubi passes out from chakra exhaustion. All the while the original clones subdue the surrounding attackers, and then fighting the oncoming waves of other ninja while the civilians run in terror.
This continues until Naruto starts tapping the Kyuubi, and by the time the Hokage gets there the increasingly insane clones (Kyuubi-tainted) have killed all the previously subdued ninja and are fighting viciously against the stronger ninja, popping quickly, dozens at a time while the ninja are worn down by never-ending waves of clones. The Hokage can no longer touch Naruto due to the Shroud, and every time a long range attack approaches Naruto, clones sacrifice themselves to slow it down before the Shroud stops it.
By the time the Hokage becomes desperate enough to use the same seal as the Yondaime, most of the ninja have fallen before the endless horde. A few pockets of fighting are left; Kakashi fighting with Gai, using Taijutsu. Kakashi fights with a calm despair, mourning the loss of his students even as the insane copies try to kill him with madness in their eyes. Gai is raging, smashing dozens of clones with each swing, eye never leaving the enemy, never straying to where Lee's body is trampled over, to where Tenten's body is pinned to a tree with her own weapons; he can't even tell where Neji fell, as the ground is liberally painted with blood.
Ironically, the cleanest parts of the entire scene are the clones; as the blood-soaked ones fall, clean clones replace them. Even the defending Shinobi are red, from splashes of blood when they step in pools of the substance, from quick rolls and dodges to avoid the occasional lucky clone who gets close enough to land a potentially debilitating hit, as compared to the bruises they get when the attacks become too many and they have to pick and choose which blows to block, which to dodge, and which ones they can take to avoid the one coming for the throat, the one coming for the heart.
Recently, however, the bruises had turned to cuts. The clones become more and more mutated, growing claws and fangs due to the Kyuubi's chakra, and reducing the resistance of Naruto's tentsuku and chakra pathways as they become used to demon chakra, as they become used to twisting to form the pattern to make a clone. If the boy survives this, he'll never have the capacity to perform Jutsu other than Shadow-clone again, as the pathways inside of him twist into the position for the Jutsu over and over, until they stop moving back to the regular areas. The unnatural stretching from the usual position is scarred over with surges of demon chakra, until the pathways could no longer move if Naruto put all of his effort into it.
Kakashi contemplates all of this, even as he defends Gai's back as the Taijutsu master's rage makes him slow to defend in exchange for quickness in attacking. Already the numerous cuts are causing the spandex-wearing maniac to slow down, loss of blood weakening him. It is only a matter of time before he falls, now. Kakashi briefly considers trying to escape, once again, but using even a single Jutsu seems to remind the clones in the area that they, too, can perform Jutsu. He has seen it before, earlier, when scared Shinobi tried to Shunshin away, only to find a clone has Kawarmi'd with them and brought them back into the fight, where their brief confusion is enough to finish them. Even traveling underground is out; he never mastered any of the Jutsu necessary to pull himself underground, and even pausing a second to make the proper hand signs would kill him, and by extension Gai as the angry sensei would suddenly find himself without a guard for his back. Jumping doesn't work; it would also leave Gai without backup, and the clones have been enhanced by the tainted chakra. Maybe if he had tried earlier; a few had run in the beginning using this method, until the increasing demon chakra in the clones had made them strong enough to jump after the older Shinobi. Later, the plan would fail simply because wherever they landed would also be covered in a moving, slaughtering army. Even now, the clones were getting faster; they were well on the way to matching his speed.
In the end, it was hope that brought the pair down; Asuma, another survivor was using his advantageous wind chakra to keep the clones at a distance while using only a little of his own power simply maintaining his wind blades. He had been one of the lucky few who had Soldier pills on them when they had arrived and had used two already, though he had three more in reserve. Using them all would kill him in the end, but if it meant the escape of others, it would be worth it. He had been approaching the deadly dance of Kakashi and Gai for half an hour now, the clones perhaps sensing his intent and fighting him with more rage than usual.
When he finally made it close to the deadly duo, he locked eyes with Kakashi over the heads of the clones, in between the jumping ones who would otherwise block the view at a larger distance. There was only a layer of clones about five thick between them, and then the three ninja could escape together. Asuma, hope and determination sparking in his eyes, paused less than a half-second to give Kakashi a small grin, as if to say 'Almost there. We'll make it out of this!'
That half-second was all it took. A clone lunged, and Asuma lost his calves to its claws. Even as he fell, he twisted to kill his own crippler, and then he was buried underneath a mass of orange, an exposed hand flailing before dropping. The small spark of hope in Kakashi died, even as a particularly excited clone slashed at the corpse hard enough to send a small wave of blood onto the Copycat's leggings. The Sharingan-bearing Shinobi lost his enthusiasm, each wave of clones getting inches closer than the last. He had accepted his death. When one of the swarm came close enough to disembowel him, he activated his suicide Jutsu even as his intestines rained upon the ground. Gai, with his back to Kakashi and Asuma, didn't even see it coming. One second he was fighting the mass of orange, and the next an explosion sent him flying forward, popping the clones before him. The small moment of paralyzation upon his landing sealed his fate. To his credit, he didn't scream once as the swarm clawed through his spine.
The Hokage viewed this, and despaired. He had viewed other such occurrences, from his vantage point on top of a store. He had watched various other pockets of resistance die in different manners, each one as horrible as the last. Impressively, Kurenai's team had been one of the few others to survive this long. They had barricaded themselves in the back of the ramen shop that Naruto had frequently visited. The mass of orange had been reluctant to damage the stall, and had approached at predicable angles and entrances. The team had covered each one admirably, Kiba spitting out curses until his throat could no longer form words, Hinata finding a hidden steel within her, striking each clone precisely as it stepped through the doorway. Shino had provided support, distracting and irritating the clones outside with his bugs, until they all were crushed or smashed. After that, he was near useless, sitting in the center of the stall and providing silent comfort to the waitress and owner. Once the clones outside were no longer distracted, they came in greater and great speeds, until Kiba and his dog could no longer keep up. They were killed, and Shino and the proprietors were slaughtered before they could blink. Hinata had survived two long minutes with her back against the wall before her body could no longer fight. Her death was swift.
The Hokage had missed this minor drama, and had only noticed that the vengeful copies had stopped assaulting the ramen stand half a minute before the end of Asuma. With his son dead, and much of Konoha in ruins, he gave up on saving Naruto. The Dead Demon Consuming Seal was designed to seal demons, but with the warped power flowing through Naruto's pathways he was close enough to count. With a wide sweep of his staff, he cleared the area around him before quickly transforming Enma from a staff into his regular monkey form. All of the summoners had long since run out of chakra or beasts to summon. Enma was the last summon on the field, and he protected Sarutobi as the Hokage attempted to save what was left of his village.
In the end it was a lucky blow that doomed the survivors; a clone made it past Enma, even as the Monkey King fended off hundreds of copies, and took off Sarutobi's hands at the second-to-last sign. The third Hokage only had a moment to stare dumbly at his stumps-close, so close!-before the loss of chakra pathways mutated the Seal and caused the biggest explosion seen since the beginning of the fight.
With the final chance for Pyrrhic victory thwarted, Konoha was overrun.
Jiraiya rushed to the scene two weeks later, when the rumor of Konoha's destruction reached him, and found a destroyed village with no survivors.
Except one; a disfigured, half-melted boy who couldn't remember a thing, about the death of Konoha or his entire life. Jiraiya's attempt to teach the only remaining link to his village his craft was largely successful; the boy learned how to disguise his deformities, and run the spy system that Jiraiya now used to try and find the destroyer of his village. His Taijutsu was okay, his Sealing flawless; Jiraiya's training had educated him, making him forever grateful that the man had been his teacher. He was so devoted, in fact, that when Jiraiya died investigating something he never told his apprentice, he took the man's dream; the death of whoever, or whatever, had destroyed Konoha.
He was disappointed, however, that he couldn't use Genjutsu, a near-invaluable thing when running a spy ring. For some reason, the only Jutsu he could use was Shadow Clone.
- My own creation.
And this, my friends, is why you shouldn't review a story about an unsatisfactory end and try to offer your own alternative late at night. I started off simple, and slowly got more and more into it until... This. I'm probably always going to wonder what the author would have thought of it if it hadn't been over the word limit for a review. I was too lazy to PM them.
"Art is a blast!" Deidara said with great vigour, "My explosions are a true art; true art only lasts for a few moments, but you'll remember it for the rest of your life!"
"Kind of like a stillbirth?" Naruto offered.
"Yeah! Kind of like... a..." Deidara started, trailing off and glaring at the blond, "Man, fuck you." - 'What's New, Naruto?' Chapter 5
Again, Ron managed to outdo himself. It really didn't help that they were having duck and that Ron had been moaning all week about having to wait until fourth year to learn the summoning charm. Anyone could put two and two together and conclude that the evening meal would be one to remember, or obliviate, depending on how badly the whole thing turned out.
Ron's face was a mask of intense concentration – a phenomenon that could only be observed when food was involved. He had his wand pointed at the Slytherin table and, assuming incorrectly that one must point directly at the object being summoned, had fashioned a crude wand stabilizer out of salt shakers and honey. Harry made a mental note never to borrow Ron's wand without washing it first.
The makeshift stabilizer and the painstaking way in which he took aim was not the most fascinating aspect of the show. Not at all. After he was satisfied with the trajectory of his wand, he began to cluck. Quietly. Deliberately. He appeared to be having a serious conversation with Malfoy's duck from afar. For a moment, the rational part of Harry's brain stepped in. "But ducks don't cluck!" He blurted.
Hermione let out another unladylike snort and kneaded her forehead with her palm.
"They quack." Harry muttered sulkily.
Ron seamlessly transitioned to quacking.
- 'Nocturnal' Chapter 3
"You know what Avada Kedavra is?" asked Sirus.
"Wand-based insta-kill spell."
Sirus nodded. "It went Avada Ke-doink when he was about one a and a half. Gave him that scar on his forehead."
- 'Something Wicked This Way Comes' Chapter 1
"Sirius, let them in."
"How can I trust them?" asked Sirius.
"I will stab you in the crotch."
"Right," replied Sirius. "Come in, come in."
- 'Something Wicked This Way Comes' Chapter 31
It seems that, for some reason, Snape is always the one who ends up rescuing Harry from his form of torture.
"Why did you save me?"
"You have your mother's eyes."
"They turn me on."
- 'Destroying Fanfiction' Chapter 14
"Master, are you ready?" Shirou, Shinji, and the three girls eyes turned towards the call. Their jaws dropped as they observed the slim blonde that exited the front of the Emiya residence.
Gazing upon Saber, everyone felt their hearts throb to the beat of an ancient war drum.
A clean dark grey dress shirt hung off delicate shoulders. A black tie swished from around the king's neck, and she reached up to delicately adjust it with her left hand, which was clad in fingerless leather gloves. Saber rolled her shoulders to shift the black vest she wore over the shirt more comfortably on her person.
"W-who are you?" Shinji gaped.
"Hm?" Saber gave him a dismissive glance with her bright green eyes. "Yes," She distractedly mumbled, and turned back to Shirou with a smile. "I'm sorry I took so long getting dressed, Master."
The girls looked stunned, their gazes whipping from Saber over to Shirou.
Shirou wondered what Shinji's tears tasted like right now. He bet they tasted delicious.
-I Put on My Robe and Wizard Hat
-the best goddamn humor FSN fic that has ever existed. You know FSN? Go read it. Now. I don't care if you've read it before, do it again.
-okay, it turns out it isn't entirely humor. Still, read the first... Five chapters, at least.
(Naruto and Ino have taken Sasuke to Anko's to be de-gayed.)
Naruto put his arm around Ino's shoulders as she laid her head against him. A high pitched scream erupted to life from Anko's house, and that told them that the ungayifying process had begun. Sasuke's bloodcurdling scream sent shivers down both of their spines. One of the jounin's windows shattered as a man dove through it, hitting the ground with a roll before staggering to his feet and limping away. He was naked save for a black speedo, his hands duct taped together behind his back. He had long red stripes going down his back. ...Whip marks?
"I'M FREE!" He screamed at the top of his lungs as he ran, "Thirteen days! THIRTEEN DAYS!" He was practically weeping for joy as he continued to stagger run away from the residence.
-Fetish? What's A Fetish?
"Gin, well, aren't succubi a little more, you know, ooommmph?" asks Ron, making the internationally recognised sign for "I wish to buy two watermelons".
- Potter Yojimbo
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