Author has written 18 stories for Shugo Chara!, Fragile Dreams, Tsubasa Chronicle, Mortal Instruments, Katekyo Hitman Reborn!, Persona Series, DRAMAtical Murder/ドラマティカル マーダー, Fire Emblem, and House of Night.
VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE: THESE STORIES ARE CURRENTLY UNDER REVISION/HIATUS/IN PROCESS
-AFTERMATH (BEING REWRITTEN: NO SET RELEASE DATE)
-FOREVER (BEING REWRITTEN: NO SET RELEASE DATE)
-DARK WATERS (CHAPTER 2 PART 2 IS CURRENTLY BEING WRITTEN: NO SET RELEASE DATE)
-RAISING HOPE (CHAPTER 4 IS CURRENTLY BEING WRITTEN: NO SET RELEASE DATE)
-A NEW DISASTER (ON HIATUS)
-THE RAIN NEVER ENDS (NOT OUT YET, ON HIATUS, NO SET RELEASE DATE)
-25 Days of Christmas (WILL BE RESUMED COME CHRISTMAS 2016)
Hello!!! My name is Sakura Tachibana and welcome to my Fanfiction account!!! On this account you will find certain fanfics I am working on. I'm the author of the "Aftermath" trilogy which is based on the game "Fragile Dreams" and has yet to BE finished, "Raising Hope" which can be found on here on fanfiction along with "Dark Waters"!!!
I'm a usually pretty happy and content girl who absolutely loves foxes, and enjoys writing, gaming, and watching anime!! YAY!!! I'm in college and I'm double majoring in Professional Writing and Creative Writing. I've always dreamed of being an author since the second grade and that dream has not changed. And I am constantly doing what I can to better my writing, both in and outside of school.
I'm not the fastest updater, and because of college and work it can be a long time between updates, but I PROMISE (the only promise I will ever make) not to leave a story unfinished!! I may rewrite a story but I will never leave one not completed.
I also work as beta reader for any type of piece of any category/genre/rating so please send them my way if you find yourself in need of one. I'll even do it for free ;P
I wish everyone the absolute best and if you have an questions or just feel like talking you're more than welcome to pm me and we'll have some fun!!
So I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell you all a bit more about me:
Hair Color: I'm a natural red head (and no I don't have a soul).
Eye Color: I have green eyes, they used to be blue then they turned hazel, then one was blue and one was green and then they finally decided on green.
Skin Color: I'm extremely pale and the only reason I'm mentioning this is because people like to make fun of how they can always see me perfectly well in the dark.
Favorite Color: Blue (I also really love black and green).
Least Favorite Color: Yellow, hate this color, pure evil.
Favorite Animal: FOX plain and simple, no competition, it's my soul animal. But dogs do come really close.
Favorite T.V. series: I don't watch T.V. actually, I really don't, well I watch anime on netflix on my Ipad and anime on my computer but I rarely sit down and watch T.V. though my parents do and even though I don't watch it I somehow manage to know more on what's going on then they do.
Favorite Anime (This list will be updates constantly with new anime I find and anime I forgot to mention): D.Gray Man (all time favorite anime), DNAngel, Fairy Tail, Soul Eater, Bleach, Blue Exorcist, The Wallflower, Haikyuu, Free!, Alice In The Country of Hearts, Angel's Feather, Junjou Romantica, World's Greatest First Love (I can't remember the Japanese title), Kamisama Kiss (I used to think it was called Kamisama Hajimemashite but that's actually just the opening song), DRAMAtical Murder (I love the game more but the anime wasn't too bad), Kamikaze Kaito Jeanne (I love the anime but this was also the second manga series I ever read), Lovely Complex, Ouran High School Host Club, Kaichou wa Maid sama, Shugo Chara, Tsuaba Chronicles, Toradora, Acchi Kocchi, Bokura Ga Ita, InuxBoku, Fullmetal Alchemist (I like both versions of the series), Uraboku, Pretear, Tactics, Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Kamigami No Asobi (I wish the game was in English), The Seven Deadly Sins
Favorite Games (Like with the anime this will be updated as well): Fatal Frame series, Harvest Moon series, Rune Factory series, Fire Emblem Awakening, Tomb Raider, Persona series, Fable II and III (1 is ok but I absolutely can't stand Journey, though I'm sure the plot is good, but the Kinect aspect sucks.), Morrowind, Skyrim
Major Stories Info (stories in series. genre, and category):
Children of Hope Series: The first book in this series is Raising Hope, it is planned to be a Trilogy, though that is left to be determined at the moment. Genres are: romance, hurt/comfort and family. Katekyo Hitman Reborn.
Aftermath Series: The first book in this series is Aftermath, then followed by Forever. The last installment to the series is Eternal. Genre: hurt/comfort, romance, supernatural. Fragile Dreams
Dark Waters: Not part of a series currently. Follows the Persona games 1-4 and might include Persona 5 if it comes out before I am halfway through the story. Genre: mystery, friendship, family, and romance.
Aftermath (Fragile Dreams)
Forever (Fragile Dreams)
Nagi's Illness (Shugo Chara)
Nagi's Illness Rewritten (Shugo Chara)
Kurogane I'm Not Perfect (Tsubasa Chronicles)
Don't Die (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
Ouch (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
Thanksgiving Reborn (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
Valentine's Day, My Love (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
You Are The Rain (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
Raising Hope (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
Dark Waters (Persona)
A New Disaster (Mortal Instruments & House of Night)
Eternal (Fragile Dreams)
Different Shades of Gray (D.Gray Man)
Free Falling (original title Finding Me) (Rune Factory)
Broken Dreams (Bleach)
How To Be A Dad (Rune Factory 4)
I Don't Know Me (Rune Factory 4)
So Much For Sleep (Rune Factory 4)
Who Knew (Rune Factory 4)
The Rain Never Ends (Katekyo Hitman Reborn)
This Is Us (DRAMAtical Murder)
Love Me, Save Me (DRAMAtical Murder)
Still Another Chance (Rise Of The Guardians)
I Wanted To Save You (Fire Emblem Awakening)
LISTEN LOVE FORWARD
Groups: Kurai Tenshi Publications (created)
I'm tired of people walking into my life and then out of it. I'm tired of people just expecting me to get over it. I'm tired of people acting like it's nothing when someone you love just ups and leaves. I'm tired of people always looking the other way and acting like it's nothing. Look at what this world is coming to. We turn blind eyes towards child abuse and domestic violence. We act like it's not our place when family members start fighting each other and families fall apart. We act like there is nothing we can do when kids cry out that they are being bullied and abused. We frown upon them when they commit suicide like it's all their fault when WE are the ones that refused to LISTEN to THEM when they asked for HELP. You know what, I'm TIRED of what we are coming to. I've always been told to stop worrying about others and worry about myself. Well if you haven't figured it out I'm TIRED OF DOING THAT TOO. Someone has to start worrying about others. Someone has to stand up and say enough. And you know what? That's me. Stop acting all high and mighty thinking you're too good to help someone when they need it. Stop following the crowd that picks on people because they're different. No one is perfect everyone has faults instead of criticizing them for what makes them different congragulate them for being who they are. No one is better than the other. Everyone complains about how they want this world to be better. STOP COMPLAINING AND DO IT!!!!!! Complaining about it won't change anything it only makes it worse and annoys the living crap out of people. ~Sakura
I may not have a lemon up or extreme violence but that doesn't mean sometime in the future I won't. I don't think they should get rid of these types of stories because it goes over the M rating. Why not just add a MA rating instead of making us authors pay for it. Add you name to the bottom of this list and repost this if you agree.
Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.
Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.
It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.
If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.
While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.
For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.
Agato the Venom Host
The Dark Graven
Lord Orion Salazar Black
Kumo no Makoto
Korraganitar the NightShadow
Final Black Getsuga
Masane Amaha's King
Nero Angelo Sparda
The Next Muse
"Don't judge me. Don't call me a child. And don't say I'm don't understand anything. Cause chances are if your saying that I probably understand a lot better than you." 101sakurakiss
If you hate it when people are all steryotype about other people than post this your profile cause I know I found it to be quite annoying.
I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm a FEMALE VIDEO GAME PLAYER , so I must be ugly...or crazy.
I like ANIME so I MUST be a freak
If you have ever had an arguent with yourself and LOST, copy and paste this on you profile.
If you have ever gotten so completely sidetracked in a conversation that you don't remember why you were talking copy and paste this on your profile
If you have ever zoned out for five consecutive minutes copy this on your profile
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this on your profile
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say right before you were going to say it copy this on your profile
If you have ever slapped yourself and/or banged your head against a desk for no reason copy this on your profile
If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the conversation copy this on your profile
If you love to sadistically torture your favourite characters in your stories, copy and paste this onto your profile.
Copy and paste this to your profile if you've ever hurt your face smiling.
If you realize that copying and pasting things into your profile is pointless, yet you do it anyways, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have a very wide range of interests, copy and paste this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile. If you hate those obnoxious preppy people PLEASE copy this in your profile.
If you have ever tripped over your own feet, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have embarrasing memories that make you want to smack yourself/ someone else, copy this into your profile.
This is a true story
A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia
This last one scared me so i pasted it on my profile...I'm highly supersticous...sadly...
One day a white man came up to a black man in a bar and said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was
born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When
I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you
go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism
YOU KNOW YOU'RE AN AUTHOR IF...
You talk to yourself a lot. (Alot meaning all the time...)
You talk to yourself about talking to yourself. (e.g. 'Why do I constantly ask my self random things?')
When you talk to yourself you often talk to yourself like you're talking to someone else. (e.g. 'Have you ever noticed that deliver could mean someone's liver?')
After uttering a profound piece of wisdom like that above, you stare at the cookie in your hand with awe and say, "Wow,this stuff is great for sugar highs...'
You live off of sugar and caffeine (the two greatest things ever discovered!)
You'll check your e-mail every day of the week and then disappear off the face of the earth.
You're e-mails tend to be pages long and incredibly random.
When replying to an e-mail, you'll never actually address the point of it.
You tend to collect Bic Stics off the ground like picking pennies off the ground.
No matter where you are in a room you never have to get up to find a pen/pencil and paper.
The letters on your keyboard are wearing off. (Well, not really, but some of my keys are getting worn out and not working right. )
You constantly start talking in third person, present or past tense.
You start thinking about making lists like this and start giggling for no "apparent" reason
Your friends stopped looking at you funny when you laugh for no apparent reason a loooooong time ago.
And FINALLY, the one way to tell if you're a good writer: You failed English 101.
(copy that into you're profile if you fit one or more of the descriptions)
Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school
Everyone in the apartment complex I lived in knew who Ugly was. Ugly was the resident tomcat. Ugly loved three things in this world: fighting, eating garbage, and, shall we say, love.
The combination of these things combined with a life spent outside had their effect on Ugly. To start with, he had only one eye and where the other should have been was a hole. He was also missing his ear on the same side, his left foot appeared to have been badly broken at one time, and had healed at an unnatural angle, making him look like he was always turning the corner.
Ugly would have been a dark gray tabby, striped type, except for the sores covering his head, neck, and even his shoulders. Every time someone saw Ugly there was the same reaction. “That’s one UGLY cat !”
If you turned the hose on him, he would stand there, getting soaked until you gave up and quit. If you threw things at him, he would curl his lanky body around your feet in forgiveness.
Whenever he spied children, he would come running, meowing frantically and bump his head against their hands, begging for their love.
One day Ugly shared his love with the neighbor’s dogs. They did not respond kindly, and Ugly was badly mauled. I tried to rush to his aid. By the time I got to where he was laying, it was apparent Ugly’s sad life was almost at an end.
As I picked him up and tried to carry him home, I could hear him wheezing and gasping, and could feel him struggling. It must be hurting him terribly, I thought.
Then I felt a familiar tugging, sucking sensation on my ear. Ugly, in so much pain, suffering and obviously dying, was trying to suckle my ear. I pulled him closer to me, and he bumped the palm of my hand with his head, then he turned his one golden eye towards me, and I could hear the distinct sound of purring.
Even in the greatest pain, that ugly battled scarred cat was asking only for a little affection, perhaps some compassion. At that moment I thought Ugly was the most beautiful, loving creature I had ever seen. Never once did he try to bite or scratch me, try to get away from me, or struggle in any way. Ugly just looked up at me completely trusting in me to relieve his pain.
Ugly taught me more about giving and compassion than a thousand books, lectures, or talk show specials ever could, and for that I will always be thankful. He had been scarred on the outside, but I was scarred on the inside, and it was time for me to move on and learn to love truly and deeply. To give my total to those I cared for.
Many people want to be richer, more successful, well liked, beautiful, but for me…I will always try to be Ugly.
A GOOD WAY TO TELL A FRIEND FROM A BEST FRIEND
FRIENDS:Lend you their umbrella
BEST FRIENDS: Take yours and say 'RUN BITCH RUN!'
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail.
FRIENDS:Have never seen you cry.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
FRIENDS:Only know a few things about you.
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
FRIENDS: Are only for a short while.
FRIENDS: Will always be like "well you deserve better".
FRIENDS:Will comfort you when the guy rejects you
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you've had enough.
FRIENDS: Would ignore this letter
now for semoehtnig itnresitng...
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty
uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal
pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a
If you could read that put it in your profile
1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, liposuction and air conditioning.
Re-post this if you believe in legalizing gay marriage
You know what Mommy
You went to the doctor today.
I can hear that doctor again.
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped. Two more eyes that will never see.
If you're against abortion, re-post this and if you almost cried post this in your profile.
Girl: Do I ever cross your mind?
The girl runs away in shock and pain and the boy runs after her and says...
Boy: The reason you never cross my mind is because you're always on my mind.
If you find this incredibly cute and touching, copy and paste it into your profile.
The boy you punched in the hall today. Committed suicide a few minutes ago. That girl you called a slut in class today. She's a virgin. The boy you called lame. He has to work every night to support his family. That girl you pushed down the other day. She's already being abused at home. That girl you called fat. She's starving herself. The old man you made fun of cause of the ugly scars. He fought for our country. The boy you made fun of for crying. His mother is dying. You think you know them. Guess what? You don't! Re-post if you are against bullying.
16 THINGS TO DO AT WAL-MART
1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks in Electronics to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
5. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
11. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
15. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
16. Get several bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle shouting "pikachu, I choose you!"
17. Go into the Butchers Department and start rubbing steaks up and down on your face saying " oooohhhh that feels so good"
18. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
19. Bring your own DVD, popcorn, sweets, drinks and nibbles and pick a nice spot on the floor in the electrical section. Sit cross legged and enjoy the film. (soap operas and kleenex are optional)
20. Take boneless chicken breasts out of the packet and throw them skyward whilst screaming "Fly my little ones, fly and be free!"
21. Randomly jump into people's shopping carts asking "Will you be my mommy?"
Haha now I have to go to walmart. Re-post if you thought this was funny or something to do.
HOMOPHOBIA IS HATE!! AND THIS IS WHAT HATE CAUSES:
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I did not have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.
I am the one who can't accept myself.
I am the person who is ashamed to tell my own friends I am a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.
I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp, and left to die because two straight men wanted to 'teach me a lesson'.
RE-POST IF YOU BELIEVE HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
There's always a light at the end of the tunnel... of course, it's usually the oncoming train (So that's why they say don't go into the light.)
Some people are like slinkies, they're good for nothing, but they sure make you laugh when you push 'em down a flight of stairs (There is something wrong with me this is too funny)
That which does not kill me had better run pretty damn fast.
A true friend is someone who's been with you long enough to know almost everything about you...and still hasn't killed you yet. (I just thought they had high tolerance and a ton of patience.)
Don't follow in my footsteps, I walk into walls...and off the occasional cliff (Gravity hates me)
"I'm bringing sexy back..." Personally, I never knew sexy was gone... (It left when they cast Robert Pattinson as Edward in "Twilight")
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing!
There is nothing wrong with arguing with yourself. It's when you lose the argument that it becomes weird. (I always lose the argument)
Well behaved women never make history. (Well we can't act like how we're supposed to nobody pays attention then)
Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your friends and enemies as far the hell away from each other as possible or they'll team up to kill you! (Oh man do I know that too well)
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if well aimed. (Not going to them does too)
"Guns don't kill people, people kill people." ...Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG a lot, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
Everyone has a wild side, I just prefer to make mine public. \
Insomnia is a writer's best friend
The cops never find it as funny as you do...
It takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to reach out and slap someone. (Well I don't want to do more than necessary)
I'm not late, I'm just not as obsessively punctual as most people (No I'll admit it I'm late but no one said I had to care)
You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!
It's not denial. I’m just selective about the reality I accept.
A clear conscience is usually a sign of memory loss. (So that's why I never remember anything)
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. (What other sound do they make)
Normal people scare me...but not as much as I scare them. (Another reason why half the school doesn't talk to me)
Never go to bed mad, stay awake and plot horrible REVENGE! (This is why I'm always awake)
Only two things are infinite; the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former (Human stupidity never ceases to amaze me)
When all else fails, use duct tape.
1 out of every 4 people are insane. Look at your three best friends, if it's not them, it's you. (Nope all of my friends are crazy I'm just the craziest)
Therapy is expensive, but bubble wrap is free.
There's nothing that can't be fixed with: duct tape, chocolate, or by running it over. (They forgot to mention blowing stuff up)
Don't upset me, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies. (Haha I never run out of room my friends help me get places)
The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites.'
I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs built the ark, Professionals built the Titanic.
"I have a high pain threshold. Actually, it's less of a threshold and more of a tastefully decorated foyer." (from Mortal Instruments)
"Flying is simple. Just throw yourself at the ground and miss."
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. (Well they do have some it's just not positive)
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us how to walk and talk, the rest of our lives they tell us to just sit down and shut up. (This never worked on me I don't know how to shut up or sit down it's driving my parents crazy (well crazier))
Who ever said that words never hurt obviously has never got hit by a dictionary.
I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight. (Damn right)
Good morning is an oxymoron. (Tell me about)
I am worse than evil... I am the author!! (Why do you think my characters hate me so much)
Sometimes it's best not to question your friend. Just help them dump the body-bag into the river. (Believe me I don't question)
The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide. (Can you see it as anything else?)
All the good guys are either gay, married, or fictional characters in books or anime characters. (Sadly this is way to true.)
Of course I'm talking to myself, who else can I trust? (Honestly and people wonder why I don't talk to them.)
Some people are alive today, simply because it is illegal to kill them. (Sometime I question the law)
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it! (I would suffer if I was sane)
People who say anything is possible, haven't tried to slam a revolving door
Telling people what they want to hear is often very boring (That's why I never tell people what they want to hear)
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives (hehe XD)
My Mother Taught Me
1. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
2. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
3. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
4. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
5. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
6. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
7. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
8. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
9. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
10. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
11. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
12. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
13. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
14. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
18. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
19. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."
20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
21. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
22. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
23. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
24. My mother taught me SHAPE-SHIFTING. "You'll turn into a sausage if you eat any more."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
When You Dial A Mental Hospital
Welcome to Psychiatric World. If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the phone so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.
Things To Do On An Elevator:
1. Crack open your briefcase or handbag, peer inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2. Stand silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4. Greet everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5. Meow occasionally.
6. Stare at another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM!" - and back away slowly.
7. Say "DING!" at each floor.
8. Say "I wonder what all these do?" and push all the red buttons.
9. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10. Stare grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12. Try to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15. As you are coming to the end of the journey, get emotional and have a group hug. Tell them that you will never forget them.
16. Ask if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
18. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20. Pretend you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
21. Swat at flies that don't exist.
22. Call out "Group hug!" then enforce it.
23. Make car race noises when someone gets on or off.
24. Congratulate all for being in the same lift with you.
25. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. While the doors are opening, hurriedly whisper, "Hide it... quick!" then whistle innocently.
28. Let your cell phone ring - don't answer it.
29. Walk into the lift and say "This reminds me of being buried alive. Ah, those were the days..."
30. Take shoes off before entering. Then look shocked and disgusted when the others don't.
31. Ask people which floor they want, say in "Who want to be a millionaire" style is that your final answer.
32. Also in your bellboy act, ask what floor they want. Whatever they say, give them a glare and say "You should be ashamed of yourself!" and leave the lift tutting.
33. Ask, "Did you feel that?"
34. Tell people that you can see their aura.
35. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."
36. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
37. Dress up in a long, black cloak with a hood, stare and in a deep voice announce "It is time..."
Some rather...interesting labels.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (But that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how?...)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...damn, that warning came a bit late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought?...)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because?...)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what? Outer space?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Dude, really? Talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (Oh sure, kill the dream of every American child.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On T-Rat (Military food): Its not for Human Consumption, Animals and Military Use only... (Umnn yeah... isn't military also human?)
On a set of Indian Kitchen Knives: "Warning: Keep out of children" (Umm...I think something got lost in translation there...)
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