01/09/23

there are a lot of days i really don't want to be here.

not on this website - existing. alive. being a human. feeling things. enduring things. struggling and stressing and not knowing who i am or what i want out of life or even what i'm supposed to do on the path forward. things have been so tumultuous and arduous over the last year, and it's left me with a lot of doubt, uncertainty, and resentment for things i previously enjoyed.

that includes my place in the fanfiction community, and my ongoing verse of stories here on this website.

2022 has been... a very difficult time for me. i wish i knew how to articulate what that means; what it's meant, for my relationships and my emotions and how they've translated into both my stories and my interactions. i'm not proud of how i've conducted myself in the last year; i'm not proud of how often i've chosen to withdraw where perhaps i shouldn't, or to brood and gripe when i should be grateful just to know that i am here, i have survived, when so many other people in my life haven't. i feel a lot of guilt over where i've left things and how i left things - and i know that this information means little in the grand scheme of things, but i did want to get it out there.

so much of my life these last few years have been built around this community and my work for it. over the last few months, that's something i've been jarred from - i do not feel that i have a place here, nor do i feel that my work is satisfying, properly engaging, or meaningful to those whom i would wish to write for. it is hard to connect when everything you do feels like a mistake; when you cannot be certain of yourself, or the things you say, or what your hands are really made for. i am a writer, but these projects... they've taken so much out of me. not a day goes by where i dont think of discontinuing. of vanishing, not just from the internet, but from reality, and consigning myself to solitude because it is safer than having to put myself out there and deal with this continuous knowledge of disappointment, the worries of rejection.

i'm not a good person. i've made a lot of mistakes, both in this sphere and in real life. it would not be fair of me to ask that i'm forgiven for many of those when i am certain that my words and emotions have hurt other people as much as they often do myself. my instability is more of a detriment than an asset; i am not a good friend to have. i don't claim to be someone worth being around.

but i am trying.

i don't know when flocc will be finishing. a few months is a kind estimate. beyond that, it's hard to say. tentatively, i'm hopeful i can forge through what remains in this year, 2023.

fever point i am unfortunately choosing to discontinue. can't say nobody saw that coming; i've never been the sort to have a good track record on commitment or following through. i apologize to all my submitters and encourage you to resubmit your characters should you like to do so.

psychomachy... it's hard to say. i plan to write the story. it will not be here, on ff. as of now, the plan is to post a series of updates on ao3; five chapters at a time, as they are completed. it will be finished. probably by the end of 2024, deities willing.

i am deeply sorry to all my readers and submitters for not being the author you envisioned or likely wished to know. thank you to the friends ive made and all you have done for me; i will remain eternally grateful, even if i'm no longer around to really speak to that. you deserved someone better.

i wish i could have been that person.