Big Friendly Walrus
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Joined 09-18-02, id: 269563
Author has written 13 stories for Degrassi, Artemis Fowl, and Lord of the Rings.


ArTeMiSfOwL has asked me to write a guest chapter for his story 'Artemis Fowl and the Orbital Expedition'.

You can read the chapter here at

I'm also writing a new story in which Arty goes to Hogwarts...with very dark results. MWU-HAHAHAHAHA!

goes to flame more Mary Sue fics

~~~~~~~~~~A Conversation with Cardboard Cutout~~~~~~~~~~

A whole back, a couple of people were flaming me. And the truth comes out...BONG!

FriendlyWalrus: Right now she registered as, Rashka Keller, maybe rashka panther, Army Girl and Queen of the Elves
Carboard Cutout: queen of the elves is her
FriendlyWalrus: Big surprise
Carboard Cutout: raksha, army girl, and raksha panther are another of my friends
FriendlyWalrus: Does Monkey Queen alert all her chums to flame me or something?
Carboard Cutout: shrugs she's just like that, a bit like a bulldog
Carboard Cutout: won't let it drop
FriendlyWalrus: phhbbbtt...and she tells ME to get a life
FriendlyWalrus: And is Army Girl in the army?
Carboard Cutout: no
Carboard Cutout: army girl is a silly cow


Holy sht! I am on the favorites list of 16 members! This is going to be a proud day in walrus history.

A lot of people are asking for Chapter 15 in QotW. School just started again, and my schedule is going to be busy.

I have finished 15, but I am very displeased with it. I'm going to try to do a new version of it, and if I can, I will post the old version at the end as a 'Special Feature'.

~~~~~~~~~~~~The Lost Stories~~~~~~~~~~~~

Before my account was deleted, I had several stories. The first couple are just to piss people off, but then I tried to change a bit. Frankly, most of my reviews were people threatening to kill me.

The Night of Pleasure: My first story in which after kidnapping Captain Short, he ties the unconscious fairy on his bed and has fun with her. Exhausted he falls asleep to have Butler come in and have fun. My first story got quite a reaction, most of the people telling me I am a pervy bastard and that Butler would NEVER take advantage of Artemis.

Extreme Measures: Artemis and Butler are lost camping, and Artemis discovers Holly, Root and Foaly in the woods doing a three-way. Foaly farts on Artemis, so Artemis shoots them. Later, Artemis cooks and eats them, much to Butler's horror. After Artemis is finished, Butler gets angry because he was hungry and was just joking about being horrified. It ends with Butler eating Artemis.

Anne Frankfurter: A spoof of a Mary Sue fic that involves a new bodyguard taking care of Artemis because Butler is in the toilet. After tormenting Artemis, a bald Holly comes in and defeats the woman in battle.

Child of the Dark Man: Spoofs Everything I Never Had, Evacuate, The Dark Man and the child of Artemis Fowl. The Dark Man 'the tough intimidating woman who intimidates the title character' (I didn't know the Mary Sue term back then) comes from a secret spy agency to spy on Artemis. He is shot in the bum. Artemis 'congregates' Butler but then shoots him for asking a question. (This happened to a guard in Evacuate). He then goes to the Dark Man who is in a state of self-hate but Artemis likes him and goes out of the room to respect his visitor. Butler comes up from the stairs a zombie and eats Artemis' brains.

Artemis Fowl II: Episode 2: There was a story thats not there now about Artemis going to school and meeting several crime masterminds. The group then compares guns. Oh, and the Butlers are black.

In my spoof, I played on several things. Butler and Juliet speak in Mr.T style voices and Artemis and co shoots a bully for making fun of them. Of course, the Ku Klux Klan makes a guest starring appearence. Line: "Of course! What self respecting kid WOULDN'T have a gun? School shootings are all the rage nowadays.

Of Goblins and Spiders: My first Spider-Man fic takes place in the 'Ultimate' universe. Peter confronts Norman but passion overcomes the two. Peter falls into a paralyzed state so Norman and Harry sell him off to E-Bay where Flash and Kong buy the 'model of a naked Peter'. Kong slaps Peter's buttocks and marvels at the realism.

Torture: I copied a template from a 'bad fan fic' site (read it at http:///badfic/analprobe.htm) and changed it to Artemis Fowl characters, Artemis being the Mulder character. Surprisingly, it got good reviews. Who knew?

Ah, but is it love: If my story was a book, this chapter would be called "The Fall of the Walrus" for it got me banned. It spoofed several stories.

Holly finds out from Root that Artemis is wanted for a crime that he did not commit. Holly is outraged, and kills both Root and her annoying Mary Sue sister.

She travels to Artemis's house. The two have a screaming contest ('I can outscream you!' 'Nah-uh' 'Yeah-huh') before getting the real deal. After slapping Artemis, the two reconcile and in a scene taken from one of Karita's stories the two make love. Then Root comes in. "Why did you bury me? I'm not dead." he asks before shooting Artemis. Holly is pinned under Artemis's weight and Holly's sister (who is unfazed from the previous shooting) comes in to save the day. Butler comes in and in the chaos the bed is lit on fire. The house is swept in flames and a sobbing Butler runs out of the house and into the road only to be run over by Osama Bin Laden. "I loooove New York!" End.

Frankly, tears were rolling out of my eyes while writing this it was so funny. No story I have written has come near the insanity of it and maybe I'll try rewriting it one day. Anyway, Karita thought it was plaigurism and I got banned.


After I got banned, I basically lurked around reviewing the occasional Mary Sue. But then Blue Yeti wrote a touching piece on her profile (see below) and I decided to write again.

The Quest of the Walrus: A satire on , its policies and it writers. Banned by , the Big Friendly Walrus and his butler band together with a group of odd misfits to get back while facing many plights such as an encounter with Mary Sue to a cooking show run by savages.

Degrassi VS Gargoyles: Demona kills off the new kids at Degrassi, unintentionally starting a war.

Project Hobbit: The origin of Degrassi's Craig Manning! A shunned scientist kidnaps Frodo, Gollum and Spider-Man to create the son he never had. While Craig slowly loses his sanity, he tries to kill Toby and Toby ends up gaining powers.

Degrassi’s LockIn New Years Eve: The Real Story: Those who spent their New Years Eve watching several kids futz around with a bad script, this is a treat for you! Strange events are occuring in Degrassi, and its not some cheap gag but a deadly spirit searching for a body.

~~~~~~~~~~~The Blue Yeti Sez:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'What do people think about Big Friendly Walrus getting kicked off? Some say he deserved it and if he had any morals he would never have writen things which were so perverted. Some say that it was mean to pick on Princess Karita's stories because she is allowed to post whatever she wants. Then why isn't Big Friendly Walrus allowed the same privilage? He should be able to write what ever he wants so long as it doesn't infringe on common decency or other people's rights - this means in reviews as well. The only thing I can find as wrong was when he changed the ratings of his NC-17 stories to PG-13 so that they wouldn't be taken off . When he wrote a review it was genuine. If he told you that you should watch out for your character being too perfect, he was telling you something you should listen too. I write huge rambling reviews but he said the same thing in three words. He was trying to improve the fanfiction here by pointing out the faults - of which there are many - to us. If he really hated the stories so much he would never have been here in the first place.

And for the record, the only true flames that I have read were in the reviews for Big Friendly Walrus' own stories.

If you haven't been lost in CyberSpace, Big Friendly Walrus, come back so we can have some variety at Artemis Fowl. If you sign in as Little Mean Walnut we might just know it's you.' ~Blue Yeti

~~~~~~~~~~~The Big Friendly Walrus's Photo Album~~~~~~~~~~~



My Grandpa, Mr. Fredrick Walrus. He brought a lot of honor to my family name.


My First Flying Lesson


Me as a baby. Wasn't I cute?


Me chillin' with my homies.


Music lessons.


Meeting some kids.


My girlfriend and I


More to come!

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Gollum Mania! by Ahlmora reviews
Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. Enter if you dare. No slash.
Lord of the Rings - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 9 - Words: 12,234 - Reviews: 168 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 2/11/2003 - Published: 12/26/2002 - Gollum, Frodo B.
Viridescent Gollum by Esmerelda Brandybuck reviews
To the tune of "Flipper". And just in case you were wondering, "viridescent" means "slightly green".
Lord of the Rings - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 98 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 1 - Published: 3/20/2002 - Gollum
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Craig and the Ghost reviews
Craig meets a ghost. Chaos ensues.
Degrassi - Rated: T - English - Horror/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 453 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 1 - Published: 5/11/2006 - Craig M. - Complete
Love Lost reviews
Ashley returns from Europe when she hears that Craig is in trouble.
Degrassi - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 773 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 1 - Published: 11/18/2005
Fishing reviews
Craig goes fishing.
Degrassi - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 333 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 2 - Published: 10/6/2005
The Lost Child reviews
An abandoned child is discovered behind Spud's Spud Emporium by Holly and Mulch. It is quickly deduced by Foaly that the infant is half human. But who are its parents? Warning: Brief sex scene.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,654 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 6 - Follows: 2 - Published: 8/11/2005 - Butler, Mulch D.
Forbidden Love reviews
Artemis finds a young girl at his door named Jewel. The two fall in love. But when Jewel's past comes into play will the duo be struck by tragedy?
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,372 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 2 - Published: 1/19/2005
Artemis Fowl and the Hogwarts Incident reviews
Artemis Fowl goes to Hogwarts, as only the Walrus could tell it.
Artemis Fowl - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,885 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 2 - Published: 11/1/2004
The Parrot reviews
Light hearted fluff. Mrs. Kwan gets a parrot for the class.
Degrassi - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 341 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 2 - Published: 8/5/2003
The Quest of the Walrus reviews
What was it like to live in the Chocolate Factory when Wonka lost his grip on sanity? What was it like to see your only living family in the grip of a sadistic maniac? Find out as we take a break from the action and delve deep into the past with 'Charlie'
Artemis Fowl - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 14 - Words: 26,155 - Reviews: 64 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 6/17/2003 - Published: 1/21/2003
Jesus is Watching You reviews
After his stepfather loses his job, Craig resorts to robbery to help pay for expenses and privileges. Will his guilty conscience get in the way?
Degrassi - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 976 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 2 - Published: 5/30/2003
The Downfall of Bilbo Baggins reviews
What if Sauron never resurfaced, and the ring didn’t have to be destroyed? What if Bilbo kept it, and began a descent similar to that of Gollum’s? Would there be any hope? Or would he be changed forever?
Lord of the Rings - Rated: M - English - Horror/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,574 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 3 - Published: 3/27/2003 - Bilbo B., Gollum
Project Hobbit reviews
Its double the fun! Chapter 2, 'He’s new! He’s sexy! He’s precioussss!', and Chapter 3, 'Weird Science' are both up!
Degrassi - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,752 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 4 - Updated: 1/4/2003 - Published: 12/28/2002
Degrassi’s LockIn New Years Eve: The Real Story reviews
What REALLY happened during New Year's Eve. When students start disappearing, is it merely some prank or is something sinister at work?
Degrassi - Rated: M - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,395 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 3 - Published: 1/4/2003
Degrassi VS Gargoyles reviews
Chapter 2, 'Aftermath', is now up. In the wake of the brutal Massacre of Degrassi's most annoying students, the Gargoyles ponder what to do while Emma devises a plan. Read the story that critics are calling 'bloody original'!
Degrassi - Rated: M - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,561 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 3 - Updated: 12/3/2002 - Published: 11/18/2002
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