Author has written 12 stories for Twilight, Criminal Minds, Skulduggery Pleasant series, Mentalist, Harry Potter, and Fallen, Lauren Kate.
My username is Cliara Aedai ( made it using the fantasy name generator ) and I am really excited to be writing on Fanfiction. I have a bad habit of taking forever to finish things, as I have two accounts and it is hard to spread my time evenly. But that hardly matters, as I do this for fun!!
Now I am not going to tell you anything about myself (sorry internet stalkers) so this is all I have left to say. I write many different things, some are ridiculously stupid, others scary, and some sad. I also generally stick with Canon pairings, its easier. Harry Potter, Criminal Minds, The Mentalist etc are all things I sometimes write about. So yes...
And so my profile is nearly over, except for the funny things below. I was reading a funny profile whilst eating 2 minute noodles and I can honestly say it made my day. So attention all 2 minute noodle eaters: Continue reading below!!! Attention all sad souls who aren't eating 2 minute noodles: You may continue reading if you wish.
See you everyone! And just for the record, I didnt write any of these insanely hilarious jokes :) And if you like The Mentalist, check out thetyger, she is an awesome writer!
Oh!! Story Updates/Info
Charlie Swan Car Accident: Discontinued
Misinterpreted Plans: Finished, I love it but it isn't popular
Behind the Scenes, CM: So much fun, regular updates when I think of things to write about!
Behind the Scenes, TM: So much fun, regular updates also!
The Talent: When I get ideas I will continue, and thanks Mentalgal for beta-ing
Secrets: Up and running once again
Keep me Sane: Finished
The Fears of Two Heroes: Literally something I wrote when I was half asleep. Not very good but finished :)
Quidditch Quirks: Complete and utter nonsense, but hey, it was fun.
Aurea Lupus: I am excited about this one... definitely regular updates
Scarlet Snow: Daily updates! Check out the other half: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/3747689/thetyger
how to keep a steady level of insanity:
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. When caught sleeping at school/work/wherever you are not supposed to be sleeping, and you are woken up, shout, "AMEN!"
5.Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6.In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write For Marijuana
7.Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy'.
9. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11.Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area and Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
18. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner,'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'
20 And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity...Copy and Paste this To Make People who read bios Smile!
Things to do in an Elevator
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE At another passenger for a while. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, How's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream: "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "Group hug" then enforce it.
23) SAY I love you really loudly to anyone/anything that gets in then keep trying to kiss/hug them
How to Be Annoying:
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Drum on every available surface.
Sing the Batman theme constantly.
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Ask 0800 operators for their home phone number. If they don’t give it to you ask why they are calling YOU at home.
Sew department store anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Play School" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Borrow someone’s eraser, then when they ask for it back, throw it across the room, making sure it misses them, and shout “You sure cant catch!!”
In the middle of a long car trip, yell out, really loudly, “I need to pee’. To be even more annoying, do it just after you’ve left, or taken a pee break.
When on a long road trip, say “are we there yet’ every five minutes.
REDNECK SECURITY SYSTEM INSTALLATION
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 k > boots.>
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a > copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.>
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.>
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: 'Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, > I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with > the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up > real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from > all the blood.> PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.'>
Here's a joke...
there are 3 men who need to get across a lake...
the 1st one prays to God asking for the strength to get across...
he gets big muscles and swims across...
but almost dies 5 times...
the 2nd1 prays to God for the strength and the tools he needs to get across...
he gets his big muscles and boat and rows across...
but he almost dies 3 times...
the 3rd 1 prays to God, for the strength, tools, and the brains...
he turns into a woman...
walks 4 yards...
and crosses the bridge
50 Ways to Land Yourself In Detention
1. Walk into the classroom like a super spy. (keep your back on the walls as you walk, point your finger up like a gun, look around with shifty eyes, hum the mission impossible theme, etc.)
2. After everything your teacher says, ask why continuously.
3. If your teacher is yelling at a classmate, wait for them to finish their tantrum then ask” DOES SOMEBODY NEED A HUG?????” very loudly.
4. If your teacher starts blowing up at you for saying that, simply reply, “wow I can tell you’re a blast at parties”
5. Sit in a corner and wait for everyone to stare at you. When they do, grab your head and scream “ THE LIGHT! MAKE IT STOP! ARGH IT BURNS!!!!”
6. Flick pieces of paper around the class.
7. When your teacher tells you to stop, cross your arms and say, “Your racist against paper aren’t you.”
8. Don’t do your Homework.
9. When your teacher asks you why you didn’t do your homework say “I dropped it while beating up this guy for saying you’re the worst teacher ever.” then sit there and smile sweetly.
10. When you have a supply teacher, wait for them to write their name on the board. Then when they say hello my name it Mr./Mrs (insert name here), you stand up and say “PROVE IT!”
11. When your teacher asks why you were late say, “My goldfish died.” Then burst into tears.
12. When handing in your homework, write this paper will self-destruct in 5 seconds at the bottom.
13. When you leave the class bow and say, “May the force be with you, young one.”
14. When the teacher turns the light off, start singing opera as loud as you can. When they turn the light back on, look around pretending to be confused.
15. Whisper to the person next to you. When the teacher comes up behind you, scream “OMG GET AWAY! RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!”
16. Walk into class dancing the Macarena
17. Tell your teacher you heard the other teachers talking about him/her in the staff room
18. Raise your hand and say "I totally agree" after everything your teacher says
19. Spend the whole lesson trying to lick your elbow
20. Speak in French.
21. Come late to class in a Spider-Man costume; say there was "a disturbance”
22. When they tell someone to turn around have everyone in class do it as well
23. "The homework’s due now? Oh, give me a minute then."
24. Hand in an essay where every word is mispelt.
25. Run in the room screaming, “THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
26. When the teacher asks you why you are late, say, “the queen is never late, everyone else is simply early”.
27. When a teacher asks you a question, say, “I’m sorry, the brain you tried to reach has been disconnected, please leave me alone or try again later, thank you.”
28. When the teacher turns on the overhead projector, scream “AAH MY EYES!!”
29. Tell yourself knock knock jokes, then laugh loads.
30. Hide under your desk and yell “THE SKY IS FALLING!”
31. When someone knocks on the door, shout “OH NO, THEY’RE COMING FOR ME!”
32. Bring in a year 7 and says he’s your new pet.
33. In your technology lesson, when the teacher asks you what you are making, say a nuclear bomb.
34. When your teacher asks you a question just stare at them.
35. Constantly talk to yourself in a low voice.
36. Purposely fall off your chair and make a big scene about it.
37. If you’re playing a really boring game, make a big deal if you win.
38. Glue all their scissors together.
39. Make paperclip jewellery. E.g. necklaces, earrings etc…
40. Pull out one strand of someone’s hair and yell “DNA!”
41. Wear a sticker or a badge that says ‘I am retarded’
42. Talk to a pen.
43. Put your hand up in a test and wait for your teacher to come over. When they whisper what’s wrong, yell “NO I WON’T SNOG YOU!”
44. Yell “LIAR!” to everything they say.
45. Smile. All the time.
46. Draw a tiny black spot on your arm. Make it bigger everyday. Look at it and say, “It’s spreading, IT’S SPREADING!”
47. When a supply teacher is taking the register, say everyone is missing. Then, if they ask who you are, say ‘Your worst Nightmare’
48. When you know the answer, bounce up and down a go " OOOHH I KNOW THIS"
49. When a teacher calls on you say, " I forgot"
50. If you have to blow your nose in class, blow your nose to the tune of your favourite song.
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