Author has written 2 stories for Starcatchers Series, and Death Note.
You can also see my Wattpad and Deviantart page (also TotalOblivian)
Music: Arctic Monkeys, The Horrors, Mumford and Sons, The Libertines, God is an Astronaut, Benoit Poilard, Laura Marling, Ben Howard, Nirvana, White Lies, Talking Heads, the Pixies, the Cure, the Smiths, Jefferson Airplane, etc.
Favorite Books:Maximum Ride, Gemma Doyle Series, Harry Potter, Mortal Instruments, Peter and the Starcatchers, Vampire Academy, Chanters of Tremaris Trilogy, Inheritance Trilogy (or quartet if he ever writes the last book *sighs impatiently*),Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Alex Rider, Strange Angels, The young James Bond series, virals, and Cirque du Freak
Favorite Movies:Sucker punch (even if they did kill all the awesome characters it had awesome fight scenes), I am number 4, Harry Potter, Salt, How to Train Your Dragon, Tangled, Forest Gump, Pirates of the Carribean, Step Up Series, Lion King, Mulan, Pocahontas, LOTR etc.
Favorite TV Shows: Bones, NCIS, Burn Notice, Lost, Leverage, Vampire Diaries, Nikita, Wipeout, Castle, Covert Affairs, Haven, Buffy, Secret Circle, Veronica Mars, etc.
Fave Anime/Manga: Death Note, One Piece, Ouran, Vampire Knight, Howls Moving Castle, Black Butler, Fairy Tail, Soul Eater, FMA, SLH
Pairings I Ship
City of Bones
Copy and Paste
-- A good friend will come and bail you out of jail, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying 'Damn! We fucked up! But that shit was fun!'
Mummy...Johnny brought a gun to school, he told his friends that it was cool , and when he pulled the trigger back
It shot with a great crack! Mummy I was a good girl, I did what I was told, I went to school, I got straight A's, I even got the gold
But mummy when I went to school that day, I never said goodbye, I'm sorry mummy I had to go, but mommy please don't cry
When Johnny shot the gun he hit me and another, and all because he got the gun from his older brother
Mummy please tell daddy that I love him very much, and please tell Chris, my boyfriend, that it wasn't just a crush
And tell my little sister that she is the only one now, and tell my dear sweet grandmother that I'll be waiting for her now
And tell my wonderful friends that they were always the best
Mummy I'm not the first I'm no better than the rest, mummy tell my teachers I won't show up for class, and never to forget this and please don't let this pass
Mummy why'd it have to be me no one deserves this, mummy warn the others, mummy I left without a kiss
And mummy tell the doctors I know they really did try, I think I even saw a doctor trying not to cry
Mummy I'm slowly dying with a bullet in my chest, but mummy please remember I'm in heaven with the rest, mummy I ran as fast as I could when I heard that crack
Mummy listen to me if you would, I wanted to go to college, I wanted to try things that were new, I guess I'm not going with daddy, on that trip to the new zoo
I wanted to get married, I wanted to have a kid, I wanted to be an actress
Mummy I wanted to live, but mummy I must go now the time is getting late
Mummy tell my Chris, I'm sorry but I had to cancel the date , I love you mummy I always have, I know you know it's true
Mummy all I wanted to say is "mummy I love you", In memory of the Columbian students that were lost
Please if you would, pass this around, I'd be happy if you could
Don't smash this on the ground, if you pass this on, maybe people will cry
Just keep this in heart, for the people that didn't get to say "goodbye"
Now you have two choices
1) repost and show you care
2)ignore it and you have just proven you have a low-down, cold-heart
(Please just copy and paste this on to your site and show that you care)
If you're against abortion, re-post this
I am only 8 inches long
but I have all my organs.
I love the sound of your voice.
Every time I hear it
I wave my arms and legs.
The sound of your heart beat
is my favorite lullaby.
today I learned how to suck my thumb.
If you could see me
you could definitely tell that I am a baby.
I'm not big enough to survive outside my home though.
It is so nice and warm in here.
You know what Mommy
I'm a boy!!
I hope that makes you happy.
I always want you to be happy.
I don't like it when you cry.
You sound so sad.
It makes me sad too
and I cry with you even though
you can't hear me.
my hair is starting to grow.
It is very short and fine
but I will have a lot of it.
I spend a lot of my time exercising.
I can turn my head and curl my fingers and toes
and stretch my arms and legs.
I am becoming quite good at it too.
You went to the doctor today.
Mommy, he lied to you.
He said that I'm not a baby.
I am a baby Mommy, your baby.
I think and feel.
Mommy, what's abortion?
I can hear that doctor again.
I don't like him.
He seems cold and heartless.
Something is intruding my home.
The doctor called it a needle.
Mommy what is it? It burns!
Please make him stop!
I can't get away from it!
Mommy! HELP me!
I am okay.
I am in Jesus's arms.
He is holding me.
He told me about abortion.
Why didn't you want me Mommy?
Every Abortion Is Just . . .
One more heart that was stopped.
Two more eyes that will never see.
Two more hands that will never touch.
Two more legs that will never run.
One more mouth that will never speak. T_T
... . .. ... . .. ..()()
.. . .. . .. . .. (0.0)
.. . .. . .. . .. .(..)(..)
Copy the bunny onto your profile to help him achieve world domination. Come join the dark side. (We have cookies)
If you've ever wondered what you are like in another dimension, copy and paste this in your profile.
!eliforp ruoy otni siht etsap dna ypoc ,sdrawkcab siht daer ot hguone trams era uoy fI :)
if you have ever felt the undenilable urge to slam your head into something, whether it is another person or not, copy this into your profile. Nerds are cool. Nerds are smart. Nerds will one day rule the universe. If you are a nerd and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If several inanimate objects hate you copy and paste this into your pro!
Most people would be offended if someone asked them what was wrong with their mind. Copy this into your pro if you would be one of the few people that would answer, "where to begin?"If you are odd and proud of it put this on your profile.
If you talk to yourself occasionaly or out loud, paste this into your profile
If you ever fell off a chair backwards copy this into your profile
If you get good grades and still know nothing at all, copy and paste this onto your profile.
98 percent of teenagers do or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who hasn't, copy & paste this in your profile.
If you have a true friend, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you hate those obnoxious snobby people, PLEASE copy this into your profile.
If you have your own little world, copy and paste this on your profile. If you're quiet a lot but you're ALSO really loud, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever fallen up the stairs copy this into your profile.
If you have ever stayed up for over 40 hours continuously just because you frickin' could, copy this into your profile.
If you get a kick out of explosions, copy and paste this to your profile. (KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!)
If you're easily confused or confuzzled add this to your profile.
If you have ever pushed on a door that said pull or vise versa copy this into your profile.
If you've ever burst out laughing in a quiet room, add this to your profile.
If you have ever asked a really stupid, obvious question, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever forgotten what you were talking about in a conversation copy and paste this into your profile.
If, for no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you have ever had a mad laughing fit for absolutely no reason, copy this into your profile.
If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever said something that has nothing to do with the current conversation, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you and/or your best friend is insane, copy and paste this into your profile.
Bad spellers of the world UNTIE! If you are a bad speller and proud of it copy this to your profile. (Thank god for spell check..)
If you have ever tried to make plans for world domination, copy and paste into your profile.
If you have ever stared at a Juice container because it said 'Concentrate', copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever zoned out for more than five consecutive minutes, copy this into your profile.
If you have ever forgotten what you were going to say, right before you say it, copy this into your profile.
If you say it burns when you touch a color you hate, copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think the semi-colon is completely useless, stupid, annoying, and plotting to destroy the English language as we know it, put this in your profile
92 percent of the teen population would be dead if Abercrombie and Fitch said it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Repost this if you are one of the 8 who would be laughing your ass off.
i'm the kinda person who walks into a chair and apologizes
I'm the kinda person who would take something from you just to sell it back to you
If you ever laughed and then said, "I don't get it." copy and paste this to your profile.
If you think Lucky should get a restraining order against those stalker kids, copy this onto your profile
If you move your hands and/or wrists to get a point across to someone (even if you're writing/typing it. Not just talking to someone) copy and paste this into your profile.
93 percent of teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile.
If you have ever run into a wall while being total sugar high copy this into your profile.
If you hear voices in your head, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you KNOW the voice in your head are real, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you are insane, enjoying every second, and proud of it, copy this and paste it into your profile.
98 of teenagers do drugs, have sex, and drink alcohol...put this in your profile if you like chocolate chip cookies.
If you ever wished you could talk to animals or be an animal, copy and paste this into your profile.
I want child abuse to stop, and if you do, too, copy and paste this onto your profile
If you can't stand preppy people who talk like this: "I like, can't believe, I like, chipped my manicure!!", copy and paste this into your profile.
If you have ever read a 250 pg + book in less than one day, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you love reading really long books just for the heck of it, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you ever sang the "I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves" song copy this into your profile!
If you ever were told to go somewhere and you forgot why and you had to go back to find out copy this into your profil
Quitters never win, winners never quit, and those you never quit but never win are idiots. Copy and paste this onto your profile if you agree.
If you have ever missed your mouth when trying to take a sip of water, copy and paste this into your profile.
65 percent of Teenagers spend more time watching TV rather then read, if you are part of the 35 percent who read more that watch TV then cut and paste this to your Profile
For me, crazy is a loose term. Crazy is where you stare at a pencil and laugh when someone asks you just what you find so interesting about the eraser. Crazy is when you have an hour long sob-fest, then start singing and dancing when your favourite song plays. Crazy is where you do or say a totally random thing, like 'do you ever wonder where the eraser bits go?' or start having a thumb war with yourself (I find I am a tough opponent). So if your crazy copy this onto your profile.
If you have ever been hit in the face with a ball and started laughing maniacally, copy and paste this into your profile.
If a glass door has spontaneously appeared out of nowhere... copy and paste this into you're profile.
If you have ever tripped over air, copy this into your profile.
FOR AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER FANS: If you think that it's ironic that Aang knows the only element he couldn't be taught, copy and paste this into your profile.
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill to many people.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
There is no "I" in team but the is an "I" in PIE and there is an "I" in MEATPIE and MEAT is an anagram of TEAM...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & and those that cant.
I'd tell you to go to hell, but I live there and really don't want to see you everyday.
Fighting is mind over matter. I don't mind, and you don't matter.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."
Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.
Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Be nice to people. They outnumber you 5.5 billion to one.
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Don't knock on death's door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Well the voices and I took a vote. It's unanimous; you suck.
Dont piss me off. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinions. It's just that yours is stupid.
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
I'm so clever that sometimes I don't even know what I'm saying
The dinosaur's extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
When your dad is mad and he says, “Do I look stupid?” Don’t answer him
There is a light at the end of every tunnel...just pray it's not a train.
you know your obsessed with NCIS when:
You have seen every episode multiple times and are not bored of them yet.
You figured out the melody for the theme song on the piano
You ask questions in science class relating to forensic science that Abby did or something the Ducky discovered, or something else relating to NCIS. (Example: how contaigious is the Pnuemonic Plauge exactly?)
You debate with you friends (who have seen it, but are not as obsessed as you) who is the most like who.
You Gibb slap your friends.
You have a dream involving one or more of the characters.
You tell your friends that you're busy every Tuesday, so don't ask if you're available.
You refuse to let your friends apologize, telling them that its a sign of weakness.
You know many of Gibbs rules/live by them.
You know Dinozzo's rules.
You cry at the epsiode "Truth or Consequences" becuase there is so much Tiva
You hate Vance becuase he threatens Gibbs.
You hate anyone who threatens Gibbs outside the team.
You start quoting NCIS (Example: "I'm the wild card. I'm the guy who looks at the reatily before him and refuses to accept it." or "You can't rush science, Gibbs. you can scream and yell at it. But you can't rush it")
You star to call yourself a "Very Special Agent"
You wish they had a real Caf-Pow
You make your own "Hairy Hangover"
You counted down the hours until season 7 finale/season 8 premire.
You know you live in 2010 when...
1.) You accidentally enter your password on a microwave.
2.) You haven't played solitare with real cards for years
3.) The reason for not staying in touch with your friends is they dont have a screenname or myspace
4.) You'd rather look all over the house for the remote instead of just pushing the buttons on the TV
6.) Your boss doesn't even have the ability to do your job.
7.) As you read this list you keep nodding and smiling.
8.) As you read this list you think about sending it to all your friends.
9.) and you were too busy to notice number 5.
10.) You scrolled back up to see if there was a number 5.
11.) Now you are laughing at yourself stupidly.
12.) Put this in your profile if you fell for that, and you know you did.
25 reasons I owe my mother
1) My mother taught me to appreciate a good job done (If your going to kill each other go outside, I just cleaned up)
2)My mother taught me Religion (You better pray that comes out of the carpet)
3)My mother taught me about time travel (If you don't straighten up, I'll knock you into next week)
4)My mother taught me logic (Because I said so, that's why)
5)My mother taught me more logic ( If you fall out of that swing and break your next you can't come to the store with me)
6)My mother taught me foresight (Make sure you wear clean underwear in case your in an accident.)
7)My mother taught me irony (keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about)
8)My mother taught me about the science of osmosis (shut your mouth and eat your supper)
9)My mother taught me about the weather (that room of yours looks like a tornado went through it)
10)My mother taught me about contortion-ism (Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck)
11)My mother taught me about stamina (You will sit there until all that spinach is gone0
12)My mother taught me about hypocrisy (I I've told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate)
13)My mother taught me about the circle of life (I brought you into this world and I can take you out)
14)My mother taught me about behavior modification (stop acting like your father)
15)My mother taught me about envy (there are millions of children in the world who don't have great parents like you do)
16)My mother taught me about anticipation (Just wait until we get home)
17)My mother taught me medical science (If you don't stop crossing your eyes their going to freeze that way)
18)My mother taught me about receiving (Your going to get it when we get home)
19)My mother taught me about Esp (put your sweater on, don't you think I know when your cold)
20)My mother taught me about humor (when that lawnmower cuts off your toes don't come crying to me)
21)My mother taught me genetics (Your just like your father)
22)My mother taught me how to grow up (If you don't eat your vegetables you'll never grow up)
23)My mother taught me about my roots (Shut the door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?)
24)My mother taught me about wisdom( when you get to be my age you'll understand)
25)and my favorite: My mother taught me about justice (One day you'll have kids and I hope they're just like you)
-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5. If you have A.D.D press 6 no 7 no 8 no 6 no 7 no 9 no 0 look shiny! If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you
Your guy side:
You love hoodies.
You love jeans.
Dogs are better than cats.
It's hilarious when people get hurt.
You've played with/against boys on a team.
Shopping is torture.
Sad movies suck.
You own/ed an X-Box.
Played with Hotwheel cars as a kid.
At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
You own/ed a DS, PS2 or Sega.
You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
You watch sports on TV.
Gory movies are cool.
You go to your dad for advice.
You own like a trillion baseball caps.
You like going to high school football games.
You used to collect football/baseball/pokenmon cards
It's kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
Sports are fun.
Talk with food in your mouth.
Sleep with your socks on at night
Your girl side:
You wear lip gloss/chapstick.
You love to shop.
You wear eyeliner.
You wear the color pink (only because the shirt has a glow in the dark ninja on it)
Go to your mom for advice.
You consider cheerleading a sport.
You hate wearing the color black.
You like hanging out at the mall.
You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
You like wearing jewelry.
Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
You don't like the movie Star Wars.
You were in gymnastics/dance.
It takes you around an hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
You smile a lot more than you should.
You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
You care about what you look like.
You like wearing dresses when you can.
You like wearing body spray/perfume/cologne.
You love the movies.
Used to play with dolls as little kid.
Like putting make-up on someone else for the joy/joke of it.
Like being the star of every thing.
1. Your Name: Suzanna
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Suzizzle
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal): Crimson Pheonix
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): Elise Denlon
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, last 3 letters of mom's maiden name): Haysuipe
6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Navy Crush
7. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maiden name, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name): Uylaynn
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name): Dawn
9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one your pets): Black Pepper
Everything I Learned In Life, I Learned From CLAMP
1. If you're not angsty, you should be
2. There is no such thing as coincidence. (All there is is hitsuzen.)
3. Evil takes the form of four Japanese mangaka.
4. Everything's better in alternate universes.
5. If you're precious to your brother, you're probably doomed.
6. Actually, if you're precious to anyone, you're doomed.
7. In fact, you're probably just doomed anyways.
8. Treasure your eyes. You never know when they'll be taken away.
10. Everything has a price.
11. The most powerful people are alcoholics.
12. Never trust the bunny/pork bun.
13. True love always prevails. Usually.
14. Love comes in all forms.
15. At least you’re not Subaru.
16. Nothing says love like agreeing to be somebody’s primary food source.
17. If someone comments on your eyes being pretty, you will probably lose them several chapters later.
18. Even if you and your beloved are a canon couple, by the end, you still won’t have kissed.
19. Even in other series, you still will not kiss.
20. If your grandparents are constantly on vacation, they most likely don’t exist.
21. Never carry your most treasured item around with you.
22. Everybody has an evil twin.
23. Tokyo Tower is, more than likely, the source of all evil.
24. If you’re good-looking, you’re doomed or angsty. Probably both.
25. Don’t expect to live a happy life. You’ll only be disappointed.
26. The more they smile, the harder they fall.
27. Your fan base is directly proportional to how angsty you are.
28. Everyone is pretty, even when bleeding or in agony.
29. Torture and mind games are just another way of showing you care.
30. Your boss is bad for you.
31. The world is split into three genders: male, female and androgynous.
32. Blood is aesthetic.
33. It’s not real magic unless you can conjure a two-meter-wide magic circle.
34. Flat strips of paper can reach the same speed as an F1 race car.
35. Fire doesn’t burn unless the plot requires it to.
36. No matter how ripped your shirt gets, it’s not coming off.
37. Men with black hair and glasses (including sunglasses) cannot be trusted.
38. Anyone who says having magic powers is cool could not have been more wrong.
39. It’s possible to store two swords and enough clothing for four people inside the mouth of a pork bun.
40. Who wears short shorts? Little boy detectives wear short shorts!
41. Four leaf clovers aren’t as lucky as they’re made out to be.
42. If you’re a character voiced by Megumi Ogata/cool/fan favourite/bishounen, you’re doomed.
43. Hell, you’re in a CLAMP anime. You’re doomed.
44. Remember your dreams- they’re the key to the plot.
45. If you can’t whistle, “hyuu” instead.
46. If you feel someone’s watching you, they probably are.
48. Feathers have the ultimate power. Buy a chicken.
49. If your series is happy sugar-coated fairies and gay, you will most likely all die a horrible death at the hand of a psychotic clone.
50. Everything will be alright.
51. Just because you return from a journey, doesn’t mean you’ll return in one piece.
52. Everything happens in Tokyo.
53. Cute stuffed animals make the best magical servants.
54. Swords longer than your height are easy to manage.
55. Attack names/chants are more important than actual skill or experience.
56. Cherry blossoms are a sign of good luck.
57. Cherry blossoms are a sign of bad luck.
58. Cherry blossoms are- sod that, if you see cherry blossoms, run.
59. Even after your heart is pierced by someone's hand, you will still have plenty of time to divulge deep dark secrets/words of wisdom/angst/last words before you actually die.
60. Show your true love not by exchanging rings, but eyes.
61. No one is really happy. They’re just hiding some dark secret.
62. Dressing someone up in cute but outlandish outfits is a sign of great love and affection.
63. The easiest way to solve a love triangle is to kill somebody.
64. Inanimate objects have feelings.
65. Eyes, especially magic ones, are in high demand.
66. Cosplay is completely normal in Tokyo.
67. Love your parents while you can.
68. The general public is oblivious to strange/supernatural/inexplicable/mysterious events/people/objects.
69. Don’t give your name to strangers.
70. Wherever you are, there is a Miyuki somewhere in the background.
71. Apparently, magic allows you to eat other people’s eyes like candy.
72. Walking between a fence and a lamp-post will send you to another time/dimension.
73. Never trust shop owners.
74. If you have a twin/clone/someone who looks like you, most likely one of you will die before the series is over.
75. It's all fun and games till someone loses an eye- then it's a pairing.
Real life questions that have been asked in court:
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_ _ _ _ _
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
_ _ _ _ _
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.