Author has written 8 stories for 39 Clues, Percy Jackson and the Olympians, Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, and I Am Number Four.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it!
some preety intresting(or not,just unusuall)things:
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
If you toss a penny 10,000 times, it will not be heads 5,000 times, but more like 4950. The heads picture weighs more, so it ends up on the bottom.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.
Humans and Dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
The pop you get when you crack your knuckles is actually a bubble of gas bursting.
101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan (Wendy) are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents who are present and don't die throughout the movie.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
There's no Betty Rubble in Flintstones Chewable Vitamins.
It's impossible to get water out of a rimless tire.
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
Did you know that you are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider?
In Minnesota it is illegal to cross state lines with a duck on your head.
In Indiana it is illegal to ride public transportation for at least 30 minutes after eating garlic.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Polar bears are left-handed.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1,000 and a size 108.7 acres.
The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
You share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
No president of the United States was an only child.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
A quick guide on how to bathe a cat:
1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.(You may consider this step optional.)
And now for a long list of funny(ish) stuff:
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Boys are like trees-they take 50 years to grow up.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you’re a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
364 days of the year, parents tell their kids not to take candy from strangers, yet on Halloween, its encouraged! Why is that?
Whoever said nothing is impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door...
Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away (if well aimed).
Life isn’t passing me by, it’s trying to run me over!
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mum saying you can still keep it.
Was that an earthquake, or did I just rock your world?
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Secret admirers are stalkers with stationary.
Did you know sarcasm is your body’s natural defense against stupidity?
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out.
I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!
To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Don’t follow me, I’m lost too.
WARNING: Do NOT walk in my footsteps...I tend to walk into walls, doors, people, and off the occasional cliff.
I’m not afraid of Death. What’s it gonna do? Kill me?
I’ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
It doesn’t matter whether the glass is half empty or half full just drink it and get it over with.
If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving isn’t for you.
Those who throw objects at crocodiles will be asked to retrieve them.
It’s always the last place you look. Of course it is why would I keep looking after I’ve found it!?
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic...
Are children who act in rated ‘R’ movies allowed to see them?
Whose cruel idea was it for the words ‘lisp’ to have an‘s’ in it?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Aren’t the ‘good things that come to those who wait’ just the leftovers from the people that got there first?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out”?
Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there ... I’m gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?
Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?
Why isn’t chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?
Why is it when some products you have to turn it upside down to read the directions, and the directions say do not turn upside down?
Why do people say, “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”? Why would someone get cake if they can’t eat it?
Assassination is an extreme form of censorship.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I smile because I have no idea what’s going on!
Boys are like slinkies, useless, but fun to watch fall down the stairs.
I will burst out laughing in the middle of a dead silence because of something that happened yesterday or even many moons ago.
Of course I’m talking to myself. Who else can I trust?
One way to figure out how things work, push all the buttons!
All the good ones are gay, married, or fictional characters in books or movies.
The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes, and yet still sees the best in you.
Those who don’t learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
Always remember you’re unique - just like everyone else
Real girls aren’t perfect & perfect girls aren’t real.
I’d rather be hated for who I am than be loved for who I’m not.
What is easy is not always right, and what is right is not always easy.
If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because ‘They’ve seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug.’ These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.
A recent survey stated that the average person’s greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you’re telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.
Death is God’s way of saying “You’re fired.”
It’s not until you’re broken that you know what you’re made of.
It requires MORE courage to suffer than to die.
You said that you would die for me, you must live for me too.
To die is nothing but a long goodbye.
I hear your silence loud and clear.
Nothing is more embarrassing than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.
I would rather try to carry 10 grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a test is absolutely petrifying.
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said because you went somewhere else while they were talking?
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Bad decisions make good stories.
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Microscope kit that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem...
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs (i.e.Blu-rays)? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
I dislike when I just miss a call by the last ring but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice-mail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
As a driver pedestrians are annoying, and as a pedestrian drivers are annoying, but no matter what the mode of transportation, cyclists are always annoying!
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
I wonder if cops ever get angry the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
36 Things to do in an Elevator
This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her in the ground when she was still alive. The murderer chanted,"Toma sota balcu" as he buried her. Now that you have read the chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this in your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be
WHAT AM I?
You own a cell phone.
You own something from abercrombie
You own something from pacsun
you own something from Hollister
You own something from American Eagle
You love/like going to the mall.
You own an iPod/MP3 player.
You love Starbucks.
You have been called a brat.
You hate buying things that are on sale
You have more than one house
Total : 3
Black is one of your favorite colors.
You have thought about death.
You wear chains.
You like heavy metal.
You've shopped at Hot Topic.
You have worn black lipstick.
Your hair was/is dark.
You dislike preps.
You're an athiest/ satanist/agnostic.
Total : 3
You can skateboard
You've worn plaid.
You like Converse
You hate MTV
You have/had blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair.
You dislike pink.
You hate/dislike preps.
You wear/wore skateboarding shoes. Total :7
You love the computer.
You like Harry Potter
You are supposed to wear glasses/contacts
You get straight A's.
You love/like reading.
You were/are in band
You don't care what you look like.
You have a curfew.
You always do your homework.
You never miss school unless you're sick.
Total : 5
You cut yourself over depression
You have been depressed.
You have black rimmed glasses. (What does THAT have to do with being Emo?)
You like the band Evanescence
You cry easily
You like emo music.
You hate being called emo.
You keep/have kept a journal/diary.
You have written a sad poem
you think emo chicks/Guys are hot
Total : 2
You like rap. (Eminem RULES!!!)
You are/was in a gang.
You wear/wore rubberbands in your pants.
You swear once in a while or alot
You have freestyled.
You have worn high tops with the tongue flipped out.
You can break dance
Total : 1
You like loud music
You love/loved the Ninja Turtles
You never walk anywhere.
You wear slip-on shoes.
You wear/wore Vans.
You like the band panic! at the disco
You wear band t-shirts.
People have called you a freak and meant it.
You love to "hardcore" dance hair has been died more than 1 color (highlights!)
You watch/watched the Superbowl.
You own track shoes or other sports related shoes.
You collect your jerseys.
you have a wall or shelf dedicated to your trophies / awards
You have posters or plaques of famous athletes.
your garage consists of sports equipment
You belong/belonged to a school team.
You are going/did go to a sports summer camp
You have a specific number (14 baby!)
Total : 7
So I Am A Athletic Punk... Cool!
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
1.YOUR REAL NAME: Scarlett
2. YOUR GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of real name plus izzle): Scaizzle (That's kinda messed up)
3. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (fav color and fav animal): Teal Tiger (Ever seen one of those?)
4. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, and current street name): Marie Cedarcliffe (Hey, that actually sounds good)
5. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first name, first 3 letters of mom's maiden name): Debscsca (My moms maiden name is my first name.)
6. YOUR SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd favorite color, favorite drink) Purple Milk (Now, who would want to drink that?)
7. YOUR ARAB NAME: (2nd letter of your first name, 3rd letter of your last name, any letter of your middle name, 2nd letter of your moms maidenname, 3rd letter of you dads middle name, 1st letter of a siblings first name, last letter of your moms middle name): Cboclae (How in the mane of Hades do you pronounce that?)
8. YOUR WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mothers middle name, dad's middle name (boy: Dad's first, girl: Mom's first)): Marie Wilhelmous (Weird)
9. YOUR GOTH NAME: (black, and the name of one of your pets): Black Rex
10. YOUR HIPPIE NAME: (type your name with your elbow): swdcarkkkmedtggt (that is an awesome name! And again how do you pronounce that?)
Chrysanthe Jackson Outfit's on Polyvore:
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