Most recently, I was intervened and sent to a recovery program, during which I was re-diagnosed as ED-NOS, brought back to a "healthy" weight, and then released to return to school. If you aren't disordered but wish you were, fuck off, go count your blessings and eat a sandwich. Wannarexics will not be tolerated.///// If you are disordered and find any inspiration and/or THINspiration in my stories, I wish you the best. I don't endorse eating disorders, but I do encourage mutual support and understanding. I believe in supporting you, trusting you to make your own choices./////
I love to wrie mostly because it is a perfect outlet.
To attain my golden victory, I had spent five months working out daily, doing hours of cardio every day, sometimes not even taking my allotted one day per week of rest. For months at a time I went vegetarian without even meaning to - I just didn't get any meat in my diet. I absolutely starved myself of calories... on the "best" days I took in less than 700 calories, sometimes as low as 250 calories. I got very good at structuring my eating so that I was "munching" on something all day (such as an apple cut up into 8 pieces, eating one piece every hour) to convince myself I could not possibly be hungry. If I thought I was becoming hungry, I would punch myself in the stomach or force myself to do crunches until the wretched craving for food went away. I was very good at hiding it. at first, no body realy saw or expected anything. I drank 5 liters of water per day to try to maintain that "full" feeling, but hating the reflection in the mirror .
I When I voluntarily reported my suicidal thoughts to a family in-house therapist, I thought for sure my "cry for help" would at last be heard. But the kindly brainless nurse just advised me to, "think happier thoughts," and let me return to life. I was simultaneously appalled and jubilant.
Once I had reached 104 lbs, I finally started to hear comments from people like, "You look great - are you eating enough?" These people were kind to be concerned, but they had no idea how deeply I was into it by this point. Their comments only made me work harder to get thinner. I planned my days before I went to bed. I woke up knowing how little I would eat, but vowing to eat less if I could stand it; and knowing how much I would exercise, and vowing to go further if my body could stand it. Every minute of the day was accounted for by what activity I was doing, and meticulously calculating how many calories those activities burned. That total was then compared to the total number of calories consumed.
I weighed 100 lbs. for about one week.
i kept up a strict and crafty eating regimen, as best I could without getting caught by those around me. I quit lifting weights, which were making me "bulky," and started running, something I'd never been able to succeed at before. I forced myself to wake up early so I could get in as many "moving" hours as possible. I kept my room absolutely spotless, hoping that the efforts of cleaning would contribute to my daily expenditure of calories. All to no avail. I ran nearly 500 miles in 4 months, and remained at my dismal 140 lbs.
At the end of four months, I endured a great personal loss - the divorce of my parents- and grieved with a three-day fast. I neither ate, slept, nor removed myself from my bed and my bedroom for a solid 72 hours. At the end of this time, I felt I had been "enlightened,.
I gave up many luxuries to be able to join a local gym. Smiling on the inside, it was no sacrifice at all to give up the "luxury" of most food. In seven weeks, I happily watched the numbers plummet ... 102... 96... 90... and then that elusive golden 87. I was 87 lbs for six blessed days. And then I got another call.
God has been with me through this all. I have prayed and prayed that He would make me stronger to avoid temptations. When I gained a pound, I begged for strength. When I lost a pound, I praised Him for His mercy. But try as I might, He has always remained in control of me. Just when I was beginning to feel successful at wasting away again, He intervened.
Now, here again, and I have returned to square one. I am 5'4", and a dumpy, squishy 105 pounds. I am disgusted with myself. I am surrounded by a culture that encourages you to "love the way you look" and "enjoy life!" Which means to weigh whatever you want and encourage everyone else that "I'm ok and you're ok." A sedentary lifestyle with three huge meals a day is not only normal, but it is considered "ungraceful" if you indulge in anything less.
For the past four weeks, I have attempted to remain mobile at best, though the running has not been easy to get to. I have had to turn a blind eye and a forced smile to what goes in my mouth, as my choices are limited when everyone else is watching me. I have two weeks left in this abysmal rut, until I can return to my lonely life back at home.
I have used internet blogs and pro-ana sites as encouragement all along my journey. But lately I have grown increasingly weary of the losers who far outweigh (no pun intended) the true Anas. The critics who insist "but you're not healthy!" The wannabe tweens whose fasts only last for 2 days before they give in to binging without purging again, lamenting in pathetic prose about the boy who won't notice them. And the web-combers who insist on cleaning up the internet by shutting down the good pro-ana sites.
I thought it only fitting to finally dedicate a area of my own to the true sufferers. We all share the same affliction: ironically, feeling that we are all alone in our quest to become the best we can be.
Ana is a choice, a lifestyle. It's not something you do for a little while and then it's finished. It's a way of being. For LIFE.
I can't tell you what I hope for this account. To be noticed but to remain hidden and anonymous? To share my journey in the hopes of encouraging another Ana? Or just to reinforce my own goals?
I don't care if you like it or not. If you've read this far, something about me must have intrigued you. All I care is that I become thinner tomorrow than I am today. I'd die to be thin.
I will dies to be thin.