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Joined 01-30-11, id: 2727918, Profile Updated: 12-22-11
Author has written 7 stories for Harry Potter, and Vampire Diaries.

"Dear world,

Asking who's the "man" and who's the "woman" in a gay relationship is like going to a Chinese restaurant and asking which chopstick is the fork.

Sincerely, annoyed."


hallo, James here.

oranges and leather boots: the things upon which I feed.

Notes about Jamie:

I really don't write fanfiction because I consider it to be great art. Nor do I care very much about any particular fandoms or characters, other than a mild affection for some, of the kind that I also feel for marshmallow peeps, strawberries, and my neighbor's cat, Dimitri. The point of all this is that what I write here, I write either because I'm bored with work on my own novel (if some recalcitrant muse had decided to make YOU write about a Korean boy with a mental illness who loves dancing, you would shirk sometimes too, because that gets HEAVY) or because I like amusing people. I write this stuff for people to read and enjoy if they're feeling down, and I love thinking that, maybe, there are people out there who do enjoy it in a vague way, because I know that there are times when all it takes is a cup of tea and a sit-down with something really, REALLY trashy to read to save you from complete and total mental breakdown. So please, please, tell me if you like what's here--and I will be happy to write more of what you like to read, or something new that you request. I won't care if I've never spoken to you before, or even if you're human: if you feel like talking to me, about anything whatsoever, I'll talk back. I'm nice, like that.

I have a pet tortoise. Anyone who loves them, do tell me about it.

I'm happily bi. Please deal with it. I say this out of genuine concern for your health, because being mean is very like the Cold War. If you threaten to bomb someone, then they (i.e. I) will probably return the favor. Then, you will spend a long time in a very silly war in which fairly little actually happened, and afterwords you will put a lot of effort into hating a group of people who, while they may wear silly fur hats and produce large amounts of mindbogglingly depressing literature, also have real contributions to make, which could make you a happier person. (i.e. vodka. Or something.) And you will be so busy disliking them indiscriminately that you will waste time you could have spend improving the world yourself. So, go work towards world peace or something, and leave people who aren't like you alone. Because if you don't, I can probably prove that you are a lot more like them than you thought you were.

I'm happily bi. Please for the sake of all that isn't holy, do not tell me how gay sex works. 87.6% of the people on this site do not know, and the rest of you are probably crazy. Not that I don't love you, but still.

I will draw fan art for anybody, any fandom, too, provided that you ask me moderately nicely. (some art can be viewed at my deviantart, along with various of my comics and shit.)

--Notes on Fics (aka my list of peeves. If you are thinking to yourself as you read--first of all congratulations, you are a gifted multitasker--that this list sounds a lot more like me being nasty about things I see in other people's would be correct. But I am specifically saying that these are things I have seen and learned from, and I also explain why I believe them to be unwise, in the hope that casual readers of this page may be swayed. Repent, ye sinners. *Ahem*)

(Is anyone actually reading this casually?)

There aren't a whole lot of things that I won't write or read.

Okay, except for mpreg, which I object to, perhaps uniquely, for reasons OTHER than the fact that it is ridiculous. No, I object to it because it is also very boring, or at least is a way of getting out of writing about something more interesting. Tell me about the difficulties involved in talking child services into letting them adopt, or the tangled and complex human interactions that occur with the foster mother, or the bloody awesome gadget invention that creates a baby from their combined blood samples! Whatever! Creativity is cool!

I also will not write or read sex scenes--(no, wait that's not where it ends. don't worry, I love writing about sex)--which contain A FULL YEAR'S WORTH OF DIALOGUE. Have you ever read something where the characters talk more during sex than in the entire rest of their relationship? This is just awkward, except when they start talking about how good it feels, when it becomes INFINITELY more than just awkward. My characters will not talk when screwing. I am sorry. (Except for the necessaries, i.e. "Where did you put the lube, Bob? I can't bloody well find it" vs. "Anything that involves phrases like 'I want to feel your giant cock.'" I want to know what is wrong with good old "fuck me." No one says that these days. I miss it.)

Post-shower scenes. ... ... Okay, I'm fighting with myself here. Because everyone knows that half-naked people dripping with water are hot. Yet on the other hand, I am beginning to have trouble remembering the last time I read a fic which did not contain one, or a 'old fashioned' equivalent if the fic be a historical (Yes. I do know that there is so much sex in what I read and write because I only read absolute romantic trash when I'm online. Or really gory action, but never mind that) And yes, romances do sort of have to have the same elements sometimes, because honestly all romance is basically...romance. I accept this. But there is a limit to acceptable similarity, and it is exemplified in one thing: the towel. Or, more specifically, this phrase: "The towel that (note: occasional inserted word: 'barely') clung to his slender (alternate word for interest? 'slim'!) hips.'

I have never found a fic with the aforementioned scene in which this line is not used. Exactly this line. I mean, just once could we have something new, something fresh? like:

Following Robert's over-warm gaze, he too looked down at himself and shook his head. "I know," he said. "I've been meaning to lose a few pounds there. This towel barely fits, and it's getting really clingy."

Robert, unable to make a sound, continued to stare at Edward's hips, barely concealed beneath the towel that revealed far too much skin for his peace of mind. Good Lord, but his thighs were large. Robert had to swallow hard to reign in his completely inappropriate reactions.

See? Not that hard, is it?

I hold that if one starts out in a tense, one should damn well finish in the same one. It is possible to write about the "future" in the past, or the earlier past in the past. You do not need to change the temporal setting of your story to do this. If you do not know what I mean, then you will not care, or probably notice that my writing adheres to this belief. If you do, then you will probably write me snarky comments pointing out when I am wrong. If so, I will probably love you.

The same goes for perspectives: I really do not believe in writing the thoughts of a third person character in the first person, especially in the way that sometimes happens where it's hard to tell whether it's meant to be the character or author speaking. If I am inserting my own--the author's-- point of view, you will be able to tell because it looks like this. hello. I am James. this is Bob now: Bob turned the volume on his stereo higher, and wept in silent despair. His life might as well be over. See that? the "he's" and the "hises"? Yes, that is how you pluralize it. That is Bob thinking! Not me! I do not endorse suicide, and while I am not sure who Bob might be or what the heck his problem is, I'm sure that reasoned analysis of the situation would conclude that death is not his only option. Yet I made it seem like it was, as if you were inside his very head! Amazing. (This standard is slightly more mutable, because I follow it with the utmost dedication unless I think of a really funny line I need to use.)

Alright. I can't ignore it anymore. Topaz. Agate. Cerulean. Lazuline. Do you people have any idea what those words actually mean, and thus why it is patently ridiculous to keep on using them to describe somebody's eyes? Yes, I understand the concept of metaphor. But, to put it classily, as I always try to, the difference between I stared into his eyes, marveling at the depths of pure blue and I marveled at his cerculean orbs is closely akin to that between Bob had an enormous wang and Bob lowered his pants to reveal a wang the size of a fire hydrant. Really. Do you get what I'm saying here? Sometimes less is better, especially if you're making up new meanings to fancy-sounding adjectives. (Also...I hate to keep picking on the poor person who used it and kindled my ire, but you do realize that lazuline--were it, in fact, a word, which it ain't (and I'm not going to condemn made up words because hell, I use them all the time, but I do it carefully)(and did it follow the pattern I believe they were thinking of, making it more like lazulian: or wait, ignore that, I see they must have been thinking of adamantine, which makes me fonder of them despite the fact that I still think they've sort of committed more than a few crimes against written language and humanity in general. Also the base of that word is not adamanti, so the suffix is not simply ne, making it lazuli plus ine equals luzuliine. Intriguing...)--would simply mean "having the qualities of lapis lazuli". so...

His eyes that were hard and probably quite uncomfortable

His eyes that various Native American tribes could have made into some quite pretty jewelry

His eyes that were a sort of streaky bluish color

His eyes that can be fairly cheaply faked with Palmer Modeling Clay, if you know how to

His eyes that various medieval artists would have been able to grind up and mix with egg whites to use as paint

His eyes that were probably mined in Brazil

Can you see how the fact that I could come up with so many interpretations that easily is not good? Connotations are wonderful. They are your friends. But for pity's sake, think about all of them before you start calling your hero's orbs adamantine. 'Cause it could mean black. But that doesn't mean it always does.

Also: could you just generally stop talking about his orbs so much? It's making me a bit queasy.

I'm sorry. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO GIVE THE CHARACTER'S FULL NAME AND PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION IN THE FIRST LINE OF A STORY. THIS IS FANFICTION. WE KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT. Actually, you don't need to do this in normal fiction, either. Also, I can't help noticing a correlation between doing this and using adjectives like 'aquamarinish' in said descriptions. I'm not going to make anything of that, but just...please stop?

I've been doing so thinking, lately. And I think it is time I set up the Literary Police. These would be highly trained individuals, more than slightly reminiscent of Hawaii Five O, who would be authorized to brutalize and or detain writers who do such things as refer to their characters' skin as 'porcelain' in a completely casual way (I do not care if you do this. But for the sake of all that is not holy, people, if you're gonna go descriptive, go descriptive, would ya? Talk about how another character rubs their thumb over the person's cheek and is fascinated by how smooth it is, or how cool, or how the light reflects of porcelain. Don't just stick in adjectives cause they sound all dramatic, please. When you use a word like that, we're all like..."But HOW was it like porcelain?" which is kind of...not the point?) or switch POVs every sentence or IN THE MIDDLE OF SENTENCES DO YOU CONFUSE YOURSELF AS MUCH AS YOU CONFUSE ME IS THIS FUN FOR YOU WHY, or end every sentence with an ellipsis (yes, they are out there), or USE INTERROBANGS in CASUAL conversations. If you don't know what an interrobang IS, WHY are you using it? Can you simply not contain your excitement? Your glee?

They will, obviously, enforce ridiculous punishments for ridiculously pretty crimes, and be under my complete personal control. Also, there will be skimpy uniforms.

People who believe that the quotation mark is a magical substitute for punctuation will be shot.

How wrong is this

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you think homophobia is wrong.

Also: Do you have a friend? I hope so. I also hope you will go up to them tomorrow, or the next time you see them, and pat them on the back. Then say to them: "I don't give a fuck if you're gay. 'Cause really, it's none of my business. Unless you want to fuck me. In which case--"

I leave you to fill in the rest of that, depending on how attractive this friend of yours may be.

Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

TVD Parody by MadBangel reviews
Okay, who hated 4x01 as much as I did? You're in the right place. Warning: Spoilers, Stelena-bashing, pro-Damon bias, bad parody.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 8,195 - Reviews: 56 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 22 - Updated: 10/13/2012 - Published: 4/8/2011 - Damon S., Stefan S.
Mine by EagleEye14 reviews
At his father's funeral, a moment between Tyler Lockwood and Jeremy Gilbert began a series of events that would lead both young men to a special place: their hearts.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 9 - Words: 15,328 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 84 - Follows: 109 - Updated: 6/18/2012 - Published: 12/30/2010 - Tyler L., Jeremy G.
Things Better Left Unsaid by Aima D. Duragon reviews
When Albus gets on the wrong side of the Slytherin Quidditch team, Scorpius and his friends decide to take matters into their own hands. And as the saying goes, keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. ASP/SM
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 17,069 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 38 - Follows: 87 - Updated: 12/9/2011 - Published: 12/31/2010 - Albus S. P., Scorpius M.
It Stood Upon the Choice of Friends by onecouldn'tsee reviews
Bonnie performs a love spell that goes horribly awry. Early season 1, AU. Jeremy/Tyler with hints of Stefan/Elena, Bonnie/Damon, and Caroline/Vicki. Inspired by Were the World Mine or A Midsummer Night's Dream, whichever you prefer really.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 11 - Words: 13,362 - Reviews: 108 - Favs: 56 - Follows: 50 - Updated: 5/31/2011 - Published: 5/6/2011 - Jeremy G., Tyler L.
Life Is A Clef by YourCocaine89 reviews
This is a series of one-shots. Pairing: Jyler, Tyler/Jeremy. Rated M to be sure.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 11,222 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 5/2/2011 - Published: 3/28/2011 - Tyler L., Jeremy G. - Complete
Skeletons and Monuments by Karinae reviews
It was simple- he was a Potter. Potters hate Malfoys. They were everything his family stood against and so despite the fact that the blonde never did anything, Albus hated him. But if things were that simple, why didn't Malfoy hate him back? Slash ASPDM
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 7 - Words: 40,445 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 31 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 3/14/2011 - Published: 1/25/2011 - Albus S. P., Scorpius M.
Holding Out For A Hero by ChuChuMarshmallow reviews
It felt nice to be saved sometimes. -ONESHOT DRABBLE- Slight reference to the "Schooled" episode.
Young Justice - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 278 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 29 - Follows: 5 - Published: 2/10/2011 - Wally W./Kid Flash, Conner K./Superboy - Complete
A Recipe For Disaster by hfmalfoy reviews
Head boy Scorpius Malfoy is having to take Potions with just one another boy this year and it's someone he can barely keep himself composed around, he just gets confused. Albus Potter on the other hand couldn't be more excited to befriend the Malfoy.SLASH
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 3,530 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 2/5/2011 - Published: 1/28/2011 - Albus S. P., Scorpius M.
Meant to Make You Shine by Karinae reviews
It was the first Potter-Weasley gathering since the majority of the family had graduated so James assumed things would be interesting, especially with what he planned to announce, but he never expecting things to get this wild. Slash Teddy/James
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 9,966 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 44 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 2/4/2011 - Published: 2/1/2011 - Teddy L., James S. P. - Complete
Food for Thought by OneWhoSitsWithTheTurtles reviews
Arthur and Eames get some odd looks at the grocery store. Arthur/Eames
Inception - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,393 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 74 - Follows: 3 - Published: 1/31/2011 - Arthur, Eames - Complete
Don't Panic, I Don't Bite by scarlettfire reviews
Magical Mistletoe can cause a lot of things to change.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 13,294 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 112 - Follows: 9 - Published: 12/26/2010 - Albus S. P., Scorpius M. - Complete
Ochi Chornye Dark Eyes by HarmonyMarguerite reviews
Watson has come to the end of his rope in dealing with his annoying roommate, Sherlock Holmes. Thank goodness he has a pen pal to whom he can turn. Epic Crossover with "Shop Around the Corner" Holmes/Watson slash.
Sherlock Holmes - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 10,748 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 4 - Published: 12/7/2010 - S. Holmes, J. Watson - Complete
Scent by Co-Quill-Eon reviews
'Damon wonders if Elena knows that her brother is gay.' :: Companion fic to 'Believe It' ::
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 796 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 81 - Follows: 15 - Published: 9/15/2010 - Jeremy G., Tyler L. - Complete
Only James knew by creepweirdoloser reviews
This is how I would've written the part where James sees Teddy snogging Victoire. Teddy/Victoire, James/Teddy
Harry Potter - Rated: K - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 344 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 3 - Published: 9/11/2010 - James S. P., Teddy L. - Complete
Forbidden Love, Or Maybe Not by Shadow1342 reviews
Three one-shots, revolving around three different couples that shouldn't be together, but end up finding their happily ever after's.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,455 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 1 - Follows: 1 - Published: 7/15/2010 - Albus S. P., James S. P.
to go nowhere with you by bethemoon reviews
Minotaur," Edmund corrects automatically. Torchwood/Narnia. Edmund, Ianto, time loops, minotaurs, snarkiness squared, filing systems, languages, and so forth. Edmund/Ianto, PG-13 for implied sex.
Crossover - Chronicles of Narnia & Torchwood - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,536 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 8 - Published: 3/21/2010 - Edmund Pevensie, Ianto J. - Complete
In a Theater by ThisCouldTheoreticallyBeSparta reviews
Inspired by the line in one of Alanis Morisette’s songs: ‘would she go down on you in a theater?’. Yeah, that’s the summary.
Young Avengers - Rated: M - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,215 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 22 - Follows: 2 - Published: 3/20/2010 - Complete
A Little Knowledge Is a Dangerous Thing by ammylouise reviews
In which James is in denial, Albus is a Ravenclaw, Rose is her father's daughter, and Scorpius is a Hufflepuff.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 10,832 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 33 - Updated: 2/15/2010 - Published: 1/19/2010 - Teddy L., James S. P.
Falling in Love With Him by Suzukata reviews
[Chrestomanci] A series of CatTonino drabbles, that vary in rating. These are inspired by Blue Yeti, whom you should all worship.
Diana Wynne Jones - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 3 - Words: 840 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 1/23/2007 - Published: 6/6/2006
Something Strange by Shananagin reviews
This is an incredably strange story. It involves Discworld characters randomly switching places with Harry Potter Characters. Enjoy!
Discworld - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,985 - Reviews: 42 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 11/29/2005 - Published: 10/16/2005
Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

Dead, Not Gone reviews
What's a ghost to do in Mystic Falls? Vicki Donovan decides to spend her death doing what she did best in life: messing with boys' heads. If this involves making Jeremy and Tyler fall desperately for each other, well, blame it on the boredom. SLASH
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 16,383 - Reviews: 18 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 1/8/2012 - Published: 6/30/2011 - Jeremy G., Tyler L.
I'll Be Just Like You reviews
Now that Mayor Lockwood's gone, Tyler is trying to start drawing again. But for some reason the only thing he can think of to draw is a certain person. He's pretty sure that doesn't mean anything good.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: T - English - Romance/Friendship - Chapters: 20 - Words: 40,257 - Reviews: 89 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 44 - Updated: 1/1/2012 - Published: 3/7/2011 - Tyler L., Jeremy G.
De Reir A Cheile A Thogtar No Caisleain reviews
Different things happen. This summer, strangers James and Teddy find themselves at work in two rival seaside ice cream shops on the Irish wizarding coast. All fine, except they're teenagers, and it's summer, and shenanigans ensue. With a cast of Weasleys!
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 2,456 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 7 - Updated: 5/17/2011 - Published: 5/16/2011 - James S. P., Teddy L.
Where We've Been reviews
Damon and vampireJeremy have been together for half a century, but when Damon loses him because of Jeremy's maker, he's going to have to go through hell to get him back. Then again, maybe hell is the world without Jeremy. This would be SLASH.
Vampire Diaries - Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,233 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 9 - Published: 4/2/2011 - Damon S., Jeremy G.
Cloud Cover reviews
Few vehicles suffer as greatly as the infamous Ford Anglia. The story of how The Car begins its life of crime before the twins are even born, at the hands of 9 year-old Bill Weasley-as well as Charles and little Percy, who follow him like baby ducks.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,102 - Reviews: 2 - Follows: 2 - Published: 2/20/2011 - Bill W.
How Al Met Pizza reviews
There are very few Muggle things that the wizarding world does not have a better answer for, but Albus learns that pizza may be one of them. A sweeping tale of high romance-sort of-between a boy and one of the things that boys love best: their food.
Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,354 - Reviews: 3 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 2 - Updated: 2/10/2011 - Published: 2/1/2011 - Albus S. P., Harry P.
Women of Talent and Taste: A Brief Introduction reviews
It is a well-known phenomenon that of the bathrooms of any municipal, educational, or business facility, the nicest one will always be the women's. A sort of zen drabble on the state of things, will become a story some day. femmeslash in the theoretical.
Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 942 - Reviews: 2 - Published: 2/1/2011 - Ginny W., Minerva M.