Author has written 72 stories for Alpha and Omega, Jaws, Saving Private Ryan, Lord of the Rings, Stepfather, 2009, Mist, 2007, Grand Theft Auto, Hobbit, Harry Potter, My Little Pony, Ghost Rider, 300, 8 Mile, Simpsons, Patriot, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Walking Dead, SpongeBob SquarePants, Friday the 13th, Far Cry, Max Payne, and Gears of War.
NAME: Connor Noiles
CULTURE: Irish Canadian
FROM: Ottawa, Ontario
RELIGION: Christian. But I'm arguably very UNreligious..
SELF VIEW: I am trying to be known mostly for my humor in stories. But I often try to be serious in stories too, though it's harder for me these days..
REAL QUOTES BY ME:
"I'm nothing more than a sarcastic Irish Canadian, who PREFERS saying he's part Irish over saying he's part French.. And dose little else but write stupid stories nobody cares about. Say over used jokes. Swear more than I need to. Secretly watch porn, and than cry about it. And whine about stuff I'm too lazy to change... All in all, a good role model for the kids"
"I am trying to be known mostly for my humor in stories. But I often try to be serious in stories too, though it's harder for me these days."
"I watch scary story readers like Mr Nightmare cause It's better to TRULY understand how terrible the world is. To avoid such situations. And understand how lucky we are to have such good family's, who never sell us for drugs.. Or have friends that don't try to kill us (literary).."
"Rather you like me or not. I'm not going anywhere for a REAL long time."
"(reviewing the anime Monster) Too bad Junkers died though. Never thought someone with the first name ADOLF, would make me sad, when seeing them die."
"Yes.. That's right people.. I'm finally watching Death Note! I think I'm gonna like this show. It's certainly up to a unique start.. A very "different" show then one I'd normally watch. But hey.. So is MLP. I want a death note. There's one main name I would put down. It rhymes with "Arnold Umpt".
"Those who take life to seriously and can't laugh at themselves, are always gonna miss out, one way or anouther"
"Chainsaws, salve everything"
"Ted Bundy, bitch!"
"I'm no more than what you expect from Irish French Canadians"
"Life is crazy. Nothing more to say"
"Ever feel so damn miserable you just want to take everything you own, and watch it all burn away.. Me neither"
"ADHD, ADD, Autism, dosen't affect my life orhow people treat me, but I HATE when it dose"
"I'm one of the most morbid humored 'bronies' I know"
"Don't read this stupid story unless you like stupid comedies by an stupid Canadian writer who has no stupid life outside this stupid fan fiction site"
"Having re read Cupcakes currently.. I still found it oddly inspiring. Not for the morbid gore. But by the narrations"
"I write with pride, I write for the hell of it"
"Ashleigh Ball claims that Applejack's character was inspired by the country singers Miley Cyrus and Dolly Parton. Even if it's only for the voice. Still. How can you get something as awesome as Applejack, from that Cyrus freak! Dosen't that piss you off!? What's next, Spike was based off Justin Biber. Oh god! Don't let it fuckin happen! But, really though, Ashleigh Ball really 'did' say that.. I'm fuckin SERIOUS! Look it up! You have the internet don't you!? Now, I know your probably thinking "Dua, coarse I have the internet, I'm reading your stupid story. If so.. Don't be such a smart ass!"
"I don't believe EVERYTHING, my religion says.."
"A humor themed personality quiz called me unfunny, time to track down the creator"
"Ever saw the trailer for something called "Soroity Row. Stupid, stupid movie.
"Let it be known. My original reason for posting a spoof of Cupcakes. Isn't because I hate it, in fact I "loved" it. No, I spoofed it in order to tell people to STOP taking it so damn seriously. To STOP hating on Pinkie. And STOP claiming it's so scaring. It's not even scary. And in my story, I show how things COULD of gone"
"It's the little stuff that makes me feel like I'm not wasting my time"
"I thought of impressing my girlfriend.. But then realized I don't have one.. It was awkward"
"I often enjoy watching various battle scenes of walking dead, with help from Netflick.. And my dad came down when I was watching the battles of the opening episode of season 3.. But anyway. It was abit annoying, as he was in my ear the whole time, about how unhealthy these amounts of violence are..
"I don't get why Canada and American are always labeling each other..
"I can offically add "mother discovers I'm a secret brony, in possibly the WORST way of finding out" to my list of awkward moments in life. But hey. With all my morbid pictures of the characters found on my Facebook page (including my current avatar, taken from CUPCAKES). It was only a matter of time"
"I can be a very morbid person, but in playful ways (if that's even possible)"
"Your die and you will LIKE IT!!"
"Hate the haters, troll the trolls"
FAVORITE BAND: Metallica, Korn, Avenged Sevenfold, SlipKnot, Bullet for your Valentine, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Rob Zombie, Godsmack, Three days Grace, Pink Floyd, Eminem, Drowning pool, ACDC, Iron Maiden, Guns and Roses, Black Sabbath, Led Zepplin, Nickelback, Andrew WK, Black Angels, Poets of the Fall, Muse, Creed, Duran Duran, Finger eleven, Theory of a Deadman, Green day, Imagine dragons, Linkin Park, Offspring, Priestess, Rage Against the Machine, Breaking Benjamin..
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Walking Dead, Family guy, Simpsons, Spongebob Squrepants, Rediciousless, Rob Drydek's fantasy factory, Rules of Engagement, Simpsons, Big Bang Theroy, Two and a half men, South Park, MLP/FIM
FAVORITE MOVIES: 300, The Immortals, Saw series, Taken 1&2, Lord of the Rings series, StepFather, Nightmear on Elms Street series, Insidious, The Thing 2011, Con Air, Jaws 1, Zombieland, Shaun o. The dead, Saving Private Ryan, The Campaign, Step Brothers, Click. Grown Ups, Liar Liar, Yes Man, Get Smart.. Anything with gun related violence, anything thing with Will Farrell, Mark Wahlberg, Seth Macfarlene, or Liam Neelson..
FAVORITE GAMES: Assasin Creed series, Left 4 dead series, Call of Duty series, Guitar Hero Metallica, Grand Threft Auto series, LA Noire, Red Dead Redemption, Army of Two series, Gears of War 3, Max Playne 3.. Anything with guns.
Critic: So our story begins when they spot two children who, you guessed it, stopped caring.
Doctor: (to students) Here we have a juvenile onset diabetic with poor circulation and diabetic neuropathy. As you can see, these are diabetic ulcers with lymphedema and evidence of gangrene. Consider antibiotics, possibly amputation.
Patch Adams: What's her name? (everyone stares at him)
NC: (stutters heavily in a British accent) NAAAAAAAAME?!?!
Patch: I was just wondering the patient's name.
Patch: Hi, Marjorie.
NC: Alright, are you telling me that years and years of medical research and we never put together, until the early seventies, that there's a difference between not being emotionally involved and not being a dick!
Critic: . Adams is the hero because the big bad establishment doesn't want people laughing! (stuffy British accented) BLBLBLBLBL! This is most unorthodox! BLBLBLBLBL!
NC (voiceover): And it doesn’t seem possible! It doesn’t seem humanly possible! It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! Something has to be funny about this! What are you doing wrong, Ivan Reitman?! What are you doing wrong?!
NC: Boring. Boring. (falls asleep)
(Critic’s dream turns into a music video, along with three musicians that have the heads of Arnold Schwarzenegger)
NC: (sings in a high-pitch witch only Doug Walker "Critic" can do) I’m so bored… So very, very bored!!! I’d rather watch a bunch of cupcakes sing a merry song and then go surfing on a door! It’s so DULL, there’s nothing to say… I’d rather… sugarcoat a Leprechaun, feed him to a dog and then go play some croquet. Where did the funny go? How can this be? Did vampires suck out the humor? Maybe it could’ve worked If they had used Miss, Tur, Tee!
Musicians: (singing in deeper pitch) Boring!
NC: (still speaks in high pitch) It’s just not that interesting!
Musicians: (deeper pitch) Boring!
NC: (high voice) Where did it go wrong?
Musicians: (deeper pitch) Boring!
NC: (high voice) I’m not even doing the review now. I’m just, singing, this, pointless, song!
Musicians: (deeper pitch) You’re not missing that much! Not-hing happens! He acts a little femmy, and they just talk some more Without any, jokes, put, in! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Bor-or-or-ing!
Lori-Beth: If Little Miss Muffet sits on your tuffet, say, “Hey! Miss Muffet! GET YOUR BUTT OFF MY TUFFET!”
NC: Can you believe those silly writers thinking something is funny simply because you scream it? SCREAMING IN EVERY OTHER SENTENCE IS NOT FUNNY! IT IS LOUD AND ANNOYING! AND ANYONE WHO DOES IT SHOULD BE SHOT- -
He’s shot through his forehead.
His wound and blood disappear.
NC: -AND GIVEN A BAG OF MONEY!
Indiana Jones: Where’s my gun? (louder) WHERE'S MY GUN!?
Willie: I burnt my fingers and I cracked a nail!!
Critic: That’s right, folks. We just did a “broke a nail” joke. We’ve successfully insulted both women and Chinese, and we haven’t even gotten to the Indian stereotypes yet!
Indiana Jones: You betrayed Shiva.
NC (voiceover): (as Indy) I will totally steal Jewish artifacts and become immortal, but anyone who betrays Shiva? FUCK YOOOOUUUUUU!!!
Critic: (singing) I'll kill anyone not celebrating with me! / Your resistance is feeding my insanity! / 'Cause it's snowing, I love shopping! / So put the star on top of the tree / and buy me a fucking TV! / We're going on a shopping spree! / My stocking's filled with DVDs! / My heart is filling up with glee / can't help what's coming over me / I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
Kurt Bozwell: (the boss of Mondo Burger, played by Jan Schweiterman) From now on, your life is Mondo Burger. You can forget about your friends. You can forget about your family. 'Cause Kurt is now both your mother and your father.
(A clip of Adolf Hitler at a rally is shown.)
Hitler: (with mock subtitles) First, we will make cheeseburgers. Then, we will make milkshakes. Heil Mondo Burger!
Critic: Have I talked about Batman the animated series?
(high pitched female scream is heard)
Critic: Guess that's a yes.
Cinema Snob: It's nice to know that Beaver and Buttface's favorite bands are apparently Ass and Pussy. Can't say I've ever heard of those bands, but they can't be any worse than AC/DC and Metallica.
[the episode is shot to look like a 3D video. Snob looks at the slightly distorted version of himself and exclaims]
Cinema Snob: "God's Not Dead" is about as black and white as you could get in a movie like this. It is not a movie about promoting compassion, love, or Christianity. It's a movie that exists simply to reinforce its audience's hatred in things. Are you a Christian? Well, you're the persecuted hero who can do no wrong! Liberal blogger? You're a bitch and you'll get cancer! Atheist? You just hate God, verbally abuse your girlfriend, and you will fucking die!
Cinema Snob: So why am I hating Nightmare on Elms Street, if it has over 90% on rotten tomatoes? Well I like to hate on things on everyone likes cause it makes me seem cool.. But really it just makes me seem like a total dick.
Girl in movie: That was such a great party.
Foreskin Gump: (runs off with his girlfriend, who was working as a stripper) They were trying to touch you.
Cinema Snob: And by touching her, do you mean they were sitting in stools several feet away from her? than yes, they were touching her.
Cinema Snob: I'm starting too kinda agree with my own sarcasm.
(thoughout the movie STEPFATHER, he's defending Jerry O'Quinn for not being a murderer, even when he's seen with frightening mood swings, and is seen killing people).
Jerry O'Quin: Wait a minute.. Who am I here?
Snob: Well, maybe he's just a little on edge cause he needs a better pick up line.
Jerry: Right.. Jerry O'Quinn.. Thank you honey (beats the girl up and throws her downstairs).
Snob: Hmm... Okay.. I believe it now.. Jerry's a psycho killer.
Cinema Snob: Oh, he throws a stick at it?! Is that really what they teach these guys when they come across a supernatural being? Throw a stick at it?!
Cinema Snob: This fall on CBS. One’s a good-looking painter, one’s a bumbling doofus, and the other is the boy with a heart of gold. Top it all off with a psychotic killing leprechaun, and you have the hit family sitcom of the year. (The sitcom’s title is shown) 3 Guys That Paint. Coming this fall on CBS.
Nostalgia Critic: I don’t even get it. What’s he gonna do with the gold? It’s not like he can just walk into a place and buy a yacht!
Cinema Snob: Eh, he’ll eBay it.
Nostalgia Critic: What, with gold?
Cinema Snob: He’ll cash it in.
Nostalgia Critic: What, dressed like that?
Cinema Snob: He’ll get a disguise.
Nostalgia Critic: What kind of disguis-
Cinema Snob: JUST SHUT UP!!
Snob: Why can't we see Freddy's face!? I WANNA SEE FREDDY'S FACE!!
ABRIDGED VEGETA: This dude would be PERFECT for a spoof of Trevor Phillips.. I did that before.. Might repost it, ONLY for Trevor being Vegeta..
Vegeta: (recovering) (In head) They've broken my body... I've failed in my mission to find the Dragon Balls... I even lost my tail... but, at least... It can't get any worse... from here...
Ghost Nappa: Vegeeeeeeeeta... Vegeeeeeeeeetaa!
Ghost Nappa: I'm Haunting you!
Cell: How?! HOW?! HOW DID YOU GET THIS STRONG?!
Vegeta: I trained all day yesterday.
Cell: Oh, you think you're being cute?!
Vegeta: Bitch, I'm adorable.
Vegeta: (sensing Cell, who's a combination of Goku, Piccolo and Vegeta's powers) What is that? Is that ME!? Is that me stronger than me!? I’LL FUCKING KILL ME!!
Gohan: But how!? I thought you had to have a pure heart to become a Super Saiyan, like my dad.
Vegeta: Oh, trust me. There's more than one way to realize the legend…
(flashback to a badly-injured Vegeta throwing a hissy fit)
Vegeta: (crying) I wanna! I wanna be a Super Saiyan! I wanna! (begins pounding the ground like a spoiled child) IwannaIwannaIwannaIwannaIwanna—
(back to present)
Vegeta: Push-ups, sit ups and plenty of juice.
Vegeta: So what are you doin here?
Gohan: Oh you know just.. flyin around
Vegeta: Flyin around
Gohan: Flyin around?
Vegeta: Thwartin my plans
Gohan: Thwartin your plans..
Vegeta: ARE YOU!?
Vegeta: Good cause that would be bad.
Gohan: How bad?
Vegeta: I'd have to kill you
Gohan: That's bad..
Vegeta: Indeed, funny lookin watch you got there
Gohan: Yes it tells time.. and nothing else..
Vegeta: Oh yeah thats what a watch does... dumb-ass...
Gohan: So... can i help you?
Vegeta: No... but maybe i can help you *rubs face*
Gohan: Uh... i need an adult
Vegeta: I am an adult *kicks Gohan* By the way i only hit you because i have pint up aggression against your father... take that
Vegeta: (in head while in healer tank) Gotta recover.. Gotta find Frieza.. God.. Damn it.. Nappa.
Ghost Nappa: You were saying (aying, aying)
Vegeta: (muffed screaming)
Doctor Lizard: My god, his heart beat is skyrocketing!
Krillin: I got the dragon balls.
Gohan: Great, I'll get Vegeta an-
Krillin: That's it.. We're not gonna TELL Vegeta.
Lohan: Krillin I can see this backfiring.
Krillin: Oh come on, it can't be too bad.
Vegeta: [Suddenly wakes up beside Goku's healing pod] I HAVE TO PEE! [He darts out of the room and over to the window, and notices that the sky has gone dark] Jesus, I overslept. It's already night. For the first time since I got here... on a... planet with three suns... [a little alarm goes off inside his head and he realizes that Gohan and Krillin have summoned the dragon without him] Oh you mother- [Scene cuts to Gohan, with Vegeta screaming offscreen] - FUUUUUUUCKERS!!!!
Vegeta: HAH! your dad's dead!
Piccolo: So's yours!
Bulma: Oh, no, the Prince is getting all huffy! What are you gonna do, try to blow up Earth again? Because I have Goku on speed dial.
Vegeta: You must be as stupid as he is if you think he knows how to work a phone.
Vegeta: You! Namekian! Too strong! Explain now!
Trunks: He fused with Kami to become stronger.
Vegeta: The fuck's a Kami?
Krillin: Basically, God.
Vegeta: BUT I'M STILL HERE!
Trunks: Do you really believe your own hype that much?
Vegeta: I AM THE HYPE!!
Vegeta: (in pain) This... proves... nothing…
Goku: Are you okay in there?
Vegeta: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'm fan-F-ing-tastic. Nothing but gumdrops and ice cream in here.
Goku: (delighted) Oh, really? Can I come in too?
Vegeta: (after a short pause) ...I'm surrounded by idiots.
Goku: I thought you were surrounded by gumdrops and ice cream.
Vegeta: (Vegeta screams with rage as he destroys the plateau around him) I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!! I WILL NOT BE HUMILATED BY A LOW CLASS RENCH!!
Goku: Aww, looks like someone, has a ice cream head ache.
Vegeta: THAT’S IT!! EVERYONE DIES!.. SAY GOOD BYE TOO YOUR PLANET KAKARROT!!
Goku: That’s not very nice.
Vegeta: (screaming) OF COARSE NOT!! I’M FUCKING EVIL!!
Vegeta: Nappa-what are you doing?
Nappa: It's his turn Vegeta. I have to wait for him.
Vegeta: ugggh u-ugh *has a nosebleed*
Nappa: You okay vegeta?
Vegeta: Yes, ju-just an aneurysm out of sheer stupidity
Nappa: Wow-didn't think you were that stupid Vegeta
Vegeta: (screaming in rage) AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
After Krillin throws destructo disc thing-
Nappa: ooooh! A frisbee vegeta
Vegeta: Nappa-no! It's a trick!
Nappa: But Vegeta!...Tricks are for kids...
Vegeta:...You know what Nappa-on 2nd thoughts catch it-catch it with your teeth
Vegeta: (finally went crazy) Dragon ball... I need that... Dragon ball.
Krillin: Are you okay?
Ghost of nappa: I think your rage broke vegeta
Vegeta: SHUT UP GHOST OF NAPPA!!!
Krillen: are you okay?
Vegeta: I'M NOT CRAZY! YOUR CRAZY!! ESPICALLY YOU NAPPA!!
Ghost Nappa: Ehhh!
Krillin: who are you talking t-
Krillin: um...i dont have it
Vegeta: *bleeds from his eyes* no
Vegeta: noo. (sudden flash).. Wha- what the... where am i? why are you here!? where nappa?
Krillin: Didn't you kill him?
Vegeta: Yes, I killed him. he's dead... Forever.
Cui: The scouter was on the entire time!
Vegeta: That's impossible, my transmitter was off the entire time! Whose scouter was... (eyes focus, cuts away to him riding a space pod screaming) GODDAMMIT NAPPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Vegeta: Tell me something, which is your favorite internal organ?
Doctor Lizard: What a odd question! But if I had to choose I guess I have to say my liver. (Vegeta's shadow walks over him and cuts away while the doctor screams in agony as Vegeta doubtlessly removes said liver)
Krillin: I couldn't even follow that attack! It was almost instantaneous!
Vegeta: Yup, just gonna stand here and keep bein' awesome—
Piccolo: There's nothing we can do against that kind of power!
Vegeta: (Annoyed) Uh, hello, awesome, right here.
Gohan: We're all gonna die!
Vegeta: ... You know what? All of you better duck, because I'm about to turn left and I don't want to SMACK YOU WITH MY DICK!
Vegeta: You been ignoring someone.
Broly: ... Broly's wife?
Vegeta: No.. You have been ignoring your king!
Broly: What is a king too a GOD!?
Vegeta: What is a God, TOO A NONE BELIEVER!! (turns super sayain)
Vegeta: They called me crazy. They ALL called me crazy, for letting him achieve his perfect form. I'm going to get out of here. I'm going to be so much stronger. No one will be able to stop me! Especially Cell!.. Right, Nappa?
(shows a volleyball with a crude drawing of Nappa's face on it holding on a broom which falls down)
Vegeta: (takes this as a insult) How... HOW DARE YOU!! (turns super sayan) YAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Vegeta: (diving into a lake to retrieve his stashed away Dragonball) God, I love it when a plan comes together! Took some time, effort, and lots of bodies, but now it's mine. Immortality is my bitch! Now, it should be right here...riiiight here... Where the hell is it? It couldn't have gone anywhere... All right, I'm going to close my eyes (does so), and when I open them up it's going to be right here—(opens them) it's not here. Why isn't it here?! I don't get it! Who could've—?! The kid! But, how could he have found it, it was- Wait. That watch...that watch wasn't a watch at all! It was some kind of Dragon Ball locator! Which means...WHICH MEANS...!
(Ghost Nappa appears with a ping)
Ghost Nappa: (deadpan) He took the Dragon Ball.
(Peaceful scene of the surface of the lake. Then, Vegeta bursts out of it, flying as fast as he can, screaming like a mad man, and LITERARY went insane)
(Gohan and Krillin hear the scream)
Gohan: Um, Krillin? Do you hear that? \
Krillin: I feel that.
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