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Author has written 76 stories for Alpha and Omega, Jaws, Saving Private Ryan, Lord of the Rings, Stepfather, 2009, Mist, 2007, Grand Theft Auto, Hobbit, Harry Potter, My Little Pony, Ghost Rider, 300, 8 Mile, Simpsons, Patriot, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Walking Dead, SpongeBob SquarePants, Friday the 13th, Far Cry, Max Payne, Gears of War, and Red Dead Redemption.
NAME: Connor Noiles
CULTURE: Irish Canadian
FROM: Ottawa, Ontario
RELIGION: Christian. But I'm arguably very UNreligious..
SELF VIEW: I am trying to be known mostly for my humor in stories. But I often try to be serious in stories too, though it's harder for me these days..
FAVORITE BAND: Metallica, Korn, Avenged Sevenfold, SlipKnot, Bullet for your Valentine, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Rob Zombie, Godsmack, Three days Grace, Pink Floyd, Eminem, Drowning pool, ACDC, Iron Maiden, Guns and Roses, Black Sabbath, Led Zepplin, Nickelback, Andrew WK, Black Angels, Poets of the Fall, Muse, Creed, Duran Duran, Finger eleven, Theory of a Deadman, Green day, Imagine dragons, Linkin Park, Offspring, Priestess, Rage Against the Machine, Breaking Benjamin..
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Walking Dead, Family guy, Simpsons, Spongebob Squrepants, Rediciousless, Rob Drydek's fantasy factory, Rules of Engagement, Simpsons, Big Bang Theroy, Two and a half men, South Park, MLP/FIM
FAVORITE MOVIES: 300, The Immortals, Saw series, Taken 1&2, Lord of the Rings series, StepFather, Nightmear on Elms Street series, Insidious, The Thing 2011, Con Air, Jaws 1, Zombieland, Shaun o. The dead, Saving Private Ryan, The Campaign, Step Brothers, Click. Grown Ups, Liar Liar, Yes Man, Get Smart.. Anything with gun related violence, anything thing with Will Farrell, Mark Wahlberg, Seth Macfarlene, or Liam Neelson..
FAVORITE GAMES: Assasin Creed series, Left 4 dead series, Call of Duty series, Guitar Hero Metallica, Grand Threft Auto series, LA Noire, Red Dead Redemption, Army of Two series, Gears of War 3, Max Playne 3.. Anything with guns.
Critic: So our story begins when they spot two children who, you guessed it, stopped caring.
Doctor: (to students) Here we have a juvenile onset diabetic with poor circulation and diabetic neuropathy. As you can see, these are diabetic ulcers with lymphedema and evidence of gangrene. Consider antibiotics, possibly amputation.
Patch Adams: What's her name? (everyone stares at him)
NC: (stutters heavily in a British accent) NAAAAAAAAME?!?!
Patch: I was just wondering the patient's name.
Patch: Hi, Marjorie.
NC: Alright, are you telling me that years and years of medical research and we never put together, until the early seventies, that there's a difference between not being emotionally involved and not being a dick!
Critic: . Adams is the hero because the big bad establishment doesn't want people laughing! (stuffy British accented) BLBLBLBLBL! This is most unorthodox! BLBLBLBLBL!
NC (voiceover): And it doesn’t seem possible! It doesn’t seem humanly possible! It’s Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! Something has to be funny about this! What are you doing wrong, Ivan Reitman?! What are you doing wrong?!
NC: Boring. Boring. (falls asleep)
(Critic’s dream turns into a music video, along with three musicians that have the heads of Arnold Schwarzenegger)
NC: (sings in a high-pitch witch only Doug Walker "Critic" can do) I’m so bored… So very, very bored!!! I’d rather watch a bunch of cupcakes sing a merry song and then go surfing on a door! It’s so DULL, there’s nothing to say… I’d rather… sugarcoat a Leprechaun, feed him to a dog and then go play some croquet. Where did the funny go? How can this be? Did vampires suck out the humor? Maybe it could’ve worked If they had used Miss, Tur, Tee!
Musicians: (singing in deeper pitch) Boring!
NC: (still speaks in high pitch) It’s just not that interesting!
Musicians: (deeper pitch) Boring!
NC: (high voice) Where did it go wrong?
Musicians: (deeper pitch) Boring!
NC: (high voice) I’m not even doing the review now. I’m just, singing, this, pointless, song!
Musicians: (deeper pitch) You’re not missing that much! Not-hing happens! He acts a little femmy, and they just talk some more Without any, jokes, put, in! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Boring! Bor-or-or-ing!
Lori-Beth: If Little Miss Muffet sits on your tuffet, say, “Hey! Miss Muffet! GET YOUR BUTT OFF MY TUFFET!”
NC: Can you believe those silly writers thinking something is funny simply because you scream it? SCREAMING IN EVERY OTHER SENTENCE IS NOT FUNNY! IT IS LOUD AND ANNOYING! AND ANYONE WHO DOES IT SHOULD BE SHOT- -
He’s shot through his forehead.
His wound and blood disappear.
NC: -AND GIVEN A BAG OF MONEY!
Indiana Jones: Where’s my gun? (louder) WHERE'S MY GUN!?
Willie: I burnt my fingers and I cracked a nail!!
Critic: That’s right, folks. We just did a “broke a nail” joke. We’ve successfully insulted both women and Chinese, and we haven’t even gotten to the Indian stereotypes yet!
Indiana Jones: You betrayed Shiva.
NC (voiceover): (as Indy) I will totally steal Jewish artifacts and become immortal, but anyone who betrays Shiva? FUCK YOOOOUUUUUU!!!
Critic: (singing) I'll kill anyone not celebrating with me! / Your resistance is feeding my insanity! / 'Cause it's snowing, I love shopping! / So put the star on top of the tree / and buy me a fucking TV! / We're going on a shopping spree! / My stocking's filled with DVDs! / My heart is filling up with glee / can't help what's coming over me / I fu-FU-FU-FU-FU-FUCKING LOVE CHRISTMAS!!!
Kurt Bozwell: (the boss of Mondo Burger, played by Jan Schweiterman) From now on, your life is Mondo Burger. You can forget about your friends. You can forget about your family. 'Cause Kurt is now both your mother and your father.
(A clip of Adolf Hitler at a rally is shown.)
Hitler: (with mock subtitles) First, we will make cheeseburgers. Then, we will make milkshakes. Heil Mondo Burger!
Critic: Have I talked about Batman the animated series?
(high pitched female scream is heard)
Critic: Guess that's a yes.
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