Author has written 63 stories for Alpha and Omega, Jaws, Saving Private Ryan, Lord of the Rings, Stepfather, 2009, Mist, 2007, Grand Theft Auto, Hobbit, Harry Potter, My Little Pony, Ghost Rider, 300, 8 Mile, Simpsons, Patriot, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Walking Dead, SpongeBob SquarePants, Friday the 13th, and Far Cry.
NAME: Connor Noiles
CULTURE: Irish Canadian
FROM: Ottawa, Ontario
RELIGION: Christian. But I'm arguably very UNreligious..
SELF VIEW: I am trying to be known mostly for my humor in stories. But I often try to be serious in stories too, though it's harder for me these days..
REAL QUOTES BY ME:
"I'm nothing more than a sarcastic Irish Canadian, who PREFERS saying he's part Irish over saying he's part French.. And dose little else but write stupid stories nobody cares about. Say over used jokes. Swear more than I need to. Secretly watch porn, and than cry about it. And whine about stuff I'm too lazy to change... All in all, a good role model for the kids"
"I am trying to be known mostly for my humor in stories. But I often try to be serious in stories too, though it's harder for me these days."
"I watch scary story readers like Mr Nightmare cause It's better to TRULY understand how terrible the world is. To avoid such situations. And understand how lucky we are to have such good family's, who never sell us for drugs.. Or have friends that don't try to kill us (literary).."
"Rather you like me or not. I'm not going anywhere for a REAL long time."
"(reviewing the anime Monster) Too bad Junkers died though. Never thought someone with the first name ADOLF, would make me sad, when seeing them die."
"Yes.. That's right people.. I'm finally watching Death Note! I think I'm gonna like this show. It's certainly up to a unique start.. A very "different" show then one I'd normally watch. But hey.. So is MLP. I want a death note. There's one main name I would put down. It rhymes with "Arnold Umpt".
"Those who take life to seriously and can't laugh at themselves, are always gonna miss out, one way or anouther"
"Chainsaws, salve everything"
"Ted Bundy, bitch!"
"I'm no more than what you expect from Irish French Canadians"
"Life is crazy. Nothing more to say"
"Ever feel so damn miserable you just want to take everything you own, and watch it all burn away.. Me neither"
"ADHD, ADD, Autism, dosen't affect my life orhow people treat me, but I HATE when it dose"
"I'm one of the most morbid humored 'bronies' I know"
"Don't read this stupid story unless you like stupid comedies by an stupid Canadian writer who has no stupid life outside this stupid fan fiction site"
"Having re read Cupcakes currently.. I still found it oddly inspiring. Not for the morbid gore. But by the narrations"
"I write with pride, I write for the hell of it"
"Ashleigh Ball claims that Applejack's character was inspired by the country singers Miley Cyrus and Dolly Parton. Even if it's only for the voice. Still. How can you get something as awesome as Applejack, from that Cyrus freak! Dosen't that piss you off!? What's next, Spike was based off Justin Biber. Oh god! Don't let it fuckin happen! But, really though, Ashleigh Ball really 'did' say that.. I'm fuckin SERIOUS! Look it up! You have the internet don't you!? Now, I know your probably thinking "Dua, coarse I have the internet, I'm reading your stupid story. If so.. Don't be such a smart ass!"
"I don't believe EVERYTHING, my religion says.."
"A humor themed personality quiz called me unfunny, time to track down the creator"
"Ever saw the trailer for something called "Soroity Row. Stupid, stupid movie.
"Let it be known. My original reason for posting a spoof of Cupcakes. Isn't because I hate it, in fact I "loved" it. No, I spoofed it in order to tell people to STOP taking it so damn seriously. To STOP hating on Pinkie. And STOP claiming it's so scaring. It's not even scary. And in my story, I show how things COULD of gone"
"It's the little stuff that makes me feel like I'm not wasting my time"
"I thought of impressing my girlfriend.. But then realized I don't have one.. It was awkward"
"I often enjoy watching various battle scenes of walking dead, with help from Netflick.. And my dad came down when I was watching the battles of the opening episode of season 3.. But anyway. It was abit annoying, as he was in my ear the whole time, about how unhealthy these amounts of violence are..
"I don't get why Canada and American are always labeling each other..
"I can offically add "mother discovers I'm a secret brony, in possibly the WORST way of finding out" to my list of awkward moments in life. But hey. With all my morbid pictures of the characters found on my Facebook page (including my current avatar, taken from CUPCAKES). It was only a matter of time"
"I can be a very morbid person, but in playful ways (if that's even possible)"
"Your die and you will LIKE IT!!"
"Hate the haters, troll the trolls"
FAVORITE BAND: Metallica, Korn, Avenged Sevenfold, SlipKnot, Bullet for your Valentine, Linkin Park, Disturbed, Rob Zombie, Godsmack, Three days Grace, Pink Floyd, Eminem, Drowning pool, ACDC, Iron Maiden, Guns and Roses, Black Sabbath, Led Zepplin, Nickelback, Andrew WK, Black Angels, Poets of the Fall, Muse, Creed, Duran Duran, Finger eleven, Theory of a Deadman, Green day, Imagine dragons, Linkin Park, Offspring, Priestess, Rage Against the Machine, Breaking Benjamin..
FAVORITE TV SHOWS: Walking Dead, Family guy, Simpsons, Spongebob Squrepants, Rediciousless, Rob Drydek's fantasy factory, Rules of Engagement, Simpsons, Big Bang Theroy, Two and a half men, South Park, MLP/FIM
FAVORITE MOVIES: 300, The Immortals, Saw series, Taken 1&2, Lord of the Rings series, StepFather, Nightmear on Elms Street series, Insidious, The Thing 2011, Con Air, Jaws 1, Zombieland, Shaun o. The dead, Saving Private Ryan, The Campaign, Step Brothers, Click. Grown Ups, Liar Liar, Yes Man, Get Smart.. Anything with gun related violence, anything thing with Will Farrell, Mark Wahlberg, Seth Macfarlene, or Liam Neelson..
FAVORITE GAMES: Assasin Creed series, Left 4 dead series, Call of Duty series, Guitar Hero Metallica, Grand Threft Auto series, LA Noire, Red Dead Redemption, Army of Two series, Gears of War 3, Max Playne 3.. Anything with guns.
FAVORITE QUOTES BY MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS:
"Oh, I LIKE IT denial! That's the first part of the grieving process. Now let's all hold hands"
"Next time don't get in my fuckin face!"
"I'm your fuckin nightmare!"
"This, is, the fuck, my friend"
"I'll rip your fuckin throat open, and stuff a turd down the hole!"
"What's your poblem eh? Why aren't you scared of me!?"
"Step wait up! Step wait up!"
"Annnd, back to normal. Whatever that is"
"Now go. I need to meditate. Orr, masterbate.. Or both"
"Grrr. I'll show you a fuckin mind fuck!"
"Nothing.. Well, It didn't sound like nothing. Didn't look like nothing. I don't THINK that it was nothing!"
"When ever you get a doubt in your mind. I want you to remember I'm watching though the scoop of a high powered rifle"
"(singing) I gotta taste for biker blood!"
"Cute but stupid"
"I don't even SOUND that Canadian!"
"Today is going one of two ways friends!"
"Your get worse than hurt!"
"What kinda animal do you take me for!? No I didn't kill him.. But I DID kidnap his wife!"
"Show me, we're it says, no pants is a rule"
"This is all I got okay! I had a tough out breaking. My daddy! Was not! Nice to me!"
"Give me my coffee or I'll cut your am off!"
"Run you little fuck!"
MICHEAL TOWNLEY/DE SANTA:
"You twisted fuck! Your a dead man!"
"Oh I'm living the dream baby. And that drem is fucked! It's fuckin fucked!"
"Your fuckin A right, it's sarcasm"
"YOUR FUCKIN A RIGHT I'M DERANGED! How could I not be!?"
"It's not suppose to go down like this"
"I did it again! I'm in hell. I'M! IN! HELL! Maybe hell is good. I belong in hell. I! BELONG! IN, HELL! Maybe I don't belong in hell. HELL IS BAD! I don't belong in hell! I don't belong anywhere. I'm nothing"
"Ladies and gentlemen! This is your moment! Please don't make us waste all the hard work your plastic surgeons have done. ON THE FLOOR! NOW!"
"We weren't casing the joint!"
"Fuckin A right!
"Fine as wine baby!"
"Nomba go fuck yourself!"
"Do I look like fuckin joke to you!?"
"Yeah! Your a couple of real badass's aren't you!"
"When I say you suck. I mean you really suck"
"We're making a new deal. You leave my people alone. And I don't throw you off this roof"
"You should see a doctor about that personality of yours"
"Oh, I'm about to feel some emotions alright"
"Fuck you! Ireland isn't the only thing green! Dollars are two!"
"Niko, me boy, that's because. You ain't Irish"
"Sure I know the difference between talking and casual sex. One leaves you, sad, and empty and alone. Annd, the other is causal sex"
"You aint taking me down!"
"We told you not to fuck with us!"
"Please, do not make me ice you!"
"Oh we're gonna play it real nice. Clean as a fuckin whistle"
"Jerry just likes to think he's better than everyone. That's why he's been married twice, and still won't admit he likes men"
"Look I know I seem like an hot head and an idiot.. I AM a hot head. And a bit of an idiot.. But I work"
"Fuck you! Take the needle out of your ear, than tell me what to do!"
"You got a good look to ya.. And I'm lucky with my gut feelings"
"Kill for me!"
"Help yourSELF fucker!"
"Being dead aint a problem. But being forgotten, now thats a bitch! I cant come back if nobody remembers! I can't come back if nobodies AFRIED!"
"Why won't you just fuckin die!"
"There is nothing to fear, but fear, himself!"
"I'll get you my pretty! and your little soul too!"
"Welcome to MY nightmare!"
"This, is god"
"How sweet.. You ugly little shit"
"Bon appate, bitch"
"One thing is for sure Luis. None of this would of happened if some one has taken my FUCKIN SUFERIN BIRD ALBUM!"
"What you all seem to be forgetting, is.. Anyone not wanting to go to war. Is gay"
"Don't you see what your doing! Your treating her like a human being! Girls HATE that!"
"Oh no Connoy is unconsious. I better lay on top of her.. What are you looking at! It's a cartoon!"
"Well if there's anyone I could trust. It's a a strange man at a gym, holding a dirty needle"
"Please describe to me exactly what I did wrong"
"It's just been revolt"
"A law in every turn, and a cap in every ass!"
"We shall call it Quohaq, everyone gets equal rights... Except blacks, asains, chinesse, anyone not from England, Ireland or Scotland.. But only certain parts Ireland or Scotland. Just pure blooded whites.. You know what, not éven whites, nobody gens rights... Ahhh, America"
"Here's our next crossover story. You know that Steven King book with the two twins and the dad that tries to chop them with an axe. Can't you see Stewie doing THAT!?.. And now here's Saw sank redemption"
"I believe everything, everyone tells me, everywhere"
"Wait a minite.. That is the smartest thing I ever heard about anything"
"Oh Brain. Your such ants a picnic"
"fat guys aren't fat. Only fat girls are fat"
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
"Are you crazy!? I'm the candy master!"
"How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?"
"Hey! Hey, what is this?! Some sort of sick prank?! I get the greatest thing ever just to have it taken away?! Why did you do this to me, God? Next time you're gonna get my hopes up, could you please take me to a grease monkey? 'Cause I like to get lubed before I get FUCKED! Huh?! Some lube would be nice! Or at least a courtesy lick, God! How about a little courtesy lick next time you decide to FUCK me! [a bolt of lightning strikes Cartman and the power goes out]"
Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater."
"Okay, you guys, this joke has gone far enough! There were no aliens! They didn't give me an anal probe and they can't control my mind! [suddenly an alien spaceship zaps him and he starts to sing]. I love to singa / About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a / I love to singa / About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a / Anything with a swinga to an I love you-a / I love to, I love to sing."
"I'm not fat, I'm big boned"
"Look, I'm sorry for nearly getting you guys rapped"
"Don't ask why Kenny decided to be a chick, it just seems to be the way he's rolling right now."
"I hate hippies.. They say they wanna save he earth. But all they do sit and smoke pot all day"
Alucard: Now, I know what you’re thinking: “How did all this come about?” Well, it all started on a midnight stroll through the woods. The air was clear, the moon was full. I was dying to sink my teeth into something. Get it? Because I'm a vampire. Mu-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha… It’s funny.
Homicidal Priest: So, you came. Too bad you’re far too late.
Homicidal Priest: Everyone else is already dead. Except this little tart. But trust me, I still plan to kill her.
Alucard: (unconcerned) Mm-hmm.
Homicidal Priest: But first, I’m going to rape her!
Alucard: (unconcerned) Neat.
Homicidal Priest: But before I can do any of that... I’m going to kill YOU!
Alucard: Oh? See, that would be intimidating, if you were… well, intimidating.
Homicidal Priest: Gr-r-r, are you mocking me?!
Alucard: No.. No,no,no,.. Pfft, yeah! (shoots the Priest dead).
Alucard: Oh, yeah. Forgot about you. Sorry about that whole “shooting you” thing, but I know if you look deep into your heart - which is currently all over that tree - you’ll find a way to forgive me.
Integra: You need to stop going on walks.
Alucard: Sweet Black fucking Sabbath! If I wasn’t holding out for that beast of a woman Integra, I’d fuck the red right out of those eyes. [Seras gets stabbed by holy sacred bayonets in the back] Well… kinda like that, only with less symbolism and more my penis in your vagina.
Anderson: How the blood-soaked protestant hell did you do that?!
Integra: Over the last couple of years we've had some... expensive claims...
Alucard: Come on! You were talking all of that good shit a second ago, then I blew your fucking legs off!!
Alucard: It was the Nazis, wasn't it?
Alucard: (appears though wall) HEY KIDS WANNA SEE A DEAD BODY!?
Alucard: You're right. Enough focusing on the past. Instead, let's focus on the past! [We see flashbacks to his and Walter's battles with the Nazis, considering we're a bit too early to Abridge the Dawn.] Back in World War II, Walter and I were part of a top-secret government operation called "Operation: Kraut Control". Walter was fifteen, and I'm pretty sure if I'm remembering correctly, I was a girl.
Alucard: Walter, do you know what my top three favorite things I've killed are? Third is the Turks. Second is Nazis. Can you guess the first?
Alucard: The Lockheed SR-71 Blackbird. An advanced long-range strategic reconnaissance aircraft capable of Mach 3 and an altitude of 85,000 feet.
Alucard: LET ME HAVE MY NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS MOMENT!!
Elizabeth: I have absolutely no intention of marrying Everard. I'm sorry to upset your plans, but...
Zack Denbrough: What were you doing in Georgie’s room?
Critic: The mother finds someone who might know where the boy has been taken, and...get ready, people: this is Nicolas Cage at his absolute... Cagiest.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and if you're thinking about seeing the shot-by-shot remake, I have only one thing to say to you: Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates. [The Critic imitates turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box with "Pop Goes the Weasel" playing in the background, but instead of a clown, the word "FAIL" on a metal spring pops out]
Bugs Bunny: What's dis? A joint?
Nostalgia Critic: DUMBASS! DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS, DUMBASS! How much of a DUMBASS are you?! In fact, if you look up "dumbass" in the dictionary, you'll find a picture of...
Nostalgia Critic: Pain is just God's way of telling you to try harder!
Owen: My God! That dinosaur that looks like a raptor, acts like a raptor, sound like a raptor and moves like a raptor... I think it's part raptor!
(Malus sees the little girl from the car on the boat, looking out on the railing. While Malus looks her over, a truck horn is heard and the girl suddenly gets run over by a truck)
Critic: (watching at animated Titanic movie where randomly it has a talking dolphin for no explained reason) Okay. For the sake of argument, let's say that you stayed in the theatre after you saw this scene! What exactly are they gonna do with this revelation?
Dolphin: We are engaged in a desperate battle to save the lives of our friends, the whales! The Maltravers ships are hunting the poor things near to extinction!
NC:(VO) I'm sorry, WHICH STORY ARE WE WATCHING?! The love story? The ship? The mice? The whales? WHAT IS THE FOCUS?! You can't just throw this incredibly bizarre bullshit at us and just expect us to go along with it!
NC: I mean, it's like saying "Hey, the Titanic wasn't destroyed by an iceberg. It was an evil gang of underwater sharks who are in cahoots with the evil whaler".
Criminal Shark: (to Maltravers henchman) Hey, me and the boys are ready to go into action any time you say, guy!
(cut to NC's mouth hanging completely open in shock).
NC: OK, how long until he gets it? (to a clamoring audience, holding bets with the options "Bets for 2 Minutes," "Bets for 3 Minutes," and "Bets for 4 Minutes" below him) Do I hear two minutes? Two minutes? I hear three! Three minutes? Three minutes? Do I hear four minutes? Four minutes? Four minutes? (stops holding bets) Alright! All bets are off, let's take a look!
Man in movie: Just answer this riddle. Than I'll let you go free.
Jon: TWO KIDS ARE GONNA DIE TONIGHT!!
Jerry: Oh man, you and your dumb hobbies!
Taxi Driver: (asks riddle)
Kid: (says what he thinks is the answer, and car drives off a cliff)
Jon: ... Guess that's the wrong answer
JonTron: Oh, Larry! You're just a... you're a fucking asshole.
JonTron: Jurasstic Park 2 had it all.. Dinosours.. Adventure.. (screaming, and camera shakes) AND JEFF GOLDBLUM!!.. CAN'T FAIL!!
Jon: Wait, it's just a legend? It's just a silly old legend? I thought it was a real thing, like a real boat with people on it that sank and they died. I s'pose that means my girlfriend's not real then. I guess there were some signs along the way. [flashback starts] When we were at that restaurant, the waiter, he said, "Why did you order two meals and not eat one of them? You just left it there to get cold." and I said, "Curb your tongue! That's my lady, and soon she will be departing on the great steam liner known as the Titanic that is definitely a real ship in the real world." and he said, "...Wait, what?"
Old Man: Here you are. Let's hope it's a smooth crossing. (Gives a sinister smile and wiggles his eyebrows)
Jon: Excuse me, uh, the fuck did you just say!? Do you know something we don't? You got something to say? Why so devious? Wait a second... I recognize that voice. You're not really an old man! (He goes up and pulls the guy's head off) I knew it! He was the iceberg all along!
Jon: There's a where are they now sagment!? I'll tell you where they are now, AT THE BOTTOM OF THE FUCKING OCEAN, ARE YOU CRAZY?!?
JonTron: I can still here the screams Papa!
Jontron: (kills Nostaglia Critc) That's for reviewing Food Battle!
Alan Harper: A bribable child is a controllable child.
Hooker: (refuses to have with Alan)
Alan: Oh come on, I simply just don't believe I'm "the biggest you ever seen".
Hooker: Here's you money.. Never call me again, (leaves)
Alan: Alright.. Second base for free!
Charlie: How'd it go with the hooker?
Alan: I hate to brag, but.. She wouldn't take my money.
Alan Harper: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie - Women Charlie sleeps with - Charlie's bookie - Woman Charlie hopes to sleep with - termites - *me*!
Alan: You have to forgive my brother Charlie. He thinks with his penis, and his penis ain't too bright.
Alan Harper: There is no one more sympathetic that I, to the plight of the large-breasted woman!
Alan: How could you of already, lost the book!?
Jake: I didn't do it on purpose! What are you yelling at me for!?
Alan: Cause it's one of the few pleasures of being your father!
Alan Harper: And now that Judith's finally getting remarried, and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide, "Hey, why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law"!
Charlie: So (leans on the railing) What did you want to talk about (falls off cause the railing breaks)
Alan: (calls down) The railings a little loose!
Alan: [to Sherri] I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women... Ironically, not my mother.
Charlie Harper: She still busting your chops about what Jake said? Look, blame it on me; tell her I'm sorry.
Alan: Don't make me slap you again Charlie
Alan: Charlie, either stop talking, or at least have the decency to kill me
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