Sams Taz
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Joined 02-26-11, id: 2768227, Profile Updated: 04-14-14

I saw theses on another profile and I just had to borrow them! They were too good to pass up!

I OWE MY MOTHER (from HoneybeeX's profile)

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC " Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA” You’ll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER "This room of yours looks as if
a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION "Stop acting like
your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY " There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION "Just wait until we get

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING "You are going to get it when
you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS "You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM "When you get to be my age, you'll

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

(Taken from Harry Fado's profile)

Ladies and Gentlemen, skinny and stout,

I'll tell you a tale I know nothing about;
The Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Now pull up a chair and sit on the floor.

One fine day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys got up to fight;
Back to back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.

A blind man came to watch fair play,
A mute man came to shout "Horray!"
A deaf policeman heard the noise and
Came to stop those two dead boys.

He lived on the corner in the middle of the block,
In a two-story house on a vacant lot;
A man with no legs came walking by,
and kicked the lawman in his thigh.

He crashed through a wall without making a sound,
into a dry creek bed and suddenly drowned;
The long black hearse came to cart him away,
But he ran for his life and is still gone today.

I watched from the corner of the big round table,
The only eyewitness to facts of my fable;
But if you doubt my lies are true,
Just ask the blind man, he saw it too.

(Taken from sexykakashi99's profile)

When life hands you lemons, throw them back at life and DEMAND for chocolate!

If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definitely isn't for you.

My friends are the kind of people that sit around for hours trying to drown a goldfish. But I love them anyway.

I am why they invented restraining orders.

Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Friends share your interests; real friends share your perversions!

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Need You by dragonfly76 reviews
Bella runs from her wedding after Jacob has been missing for months. She returns to Forks 2 1/2 years later a stronger, stable person, praying that Jacob needs her in his life as much as she needs him in hers.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 84 - Words: 247,613 - Reviews: 1616 - Favs: 1,134 - Follows: 535 - Updated: 3/14/2013 - Published: 8/10/2011 - Bella, Jacob - Complete
Crazy Side of Normal by scrapalicious reviews
There's one thing everyone in the world had in common. We all just want to be normal... with normal friends doing normal things. Jake & Nessie wanted the same thing. Sometimes we don't get what we want. 2nd try at my 1st fanfic. Plus a side bit of Embry
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 58,178 - Reviews: 28 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 12/8/2012 - Published: 3/2/2012 - Jacob, Renesmee C./Nessie
Drive by scrapalicious reviews
Drive, a simple word with so many meanings. Drive on the job. Drive in the Bed. Drive someone away. or Drive on the open road. This is a story about Jake & an OC. Not sure where the journey will take us but I hope you enjoy the ride.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance - Chapters: 7 - Words: 31,094 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 39 - Updated: 10/27/2012 - Published: 5/1/2012 - Jacob
Black Tides by moustique reviews
In a world where Bella never came to Forks, La Push is a much more interesting place to be. JacobxSeth. So far contains strong language and sex references.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Supernatural - Chapters: 9 - Words: 15,715 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 54 - Follows: 59 - Updated: 8/3/2012 - Published: 12/14/2011 - Jacob, Seth
To Mend a Butterfly's Broken Wing by ExquisitelyUgly reviews
After the newborn fight things take a different turn with the Volturi. Edward goes missing, the Cullen's leave to search for him, and Bella flees town from the pain of loss. Can Jacob help her deal with the grief a second time? AU, M for language, sex
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Romance - Chapters: 38 - Words: 155,576 - Reviews: 765 - Favs: 275 - Follows: 225 - Updated: 12/18/2011 - Published: 8/30/2010 - Bella, Jacob
A New Heart by KieshaIshtar reviews
Bella and Jacob's near kiss in New Moon. What will Bella do after her kiss with Jacob, and after Edward comes back utterly obsessed? Definitely a tortured JXB story. Beware lemony goodness in chapter 12/33 . Twisted yet believable Edward.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 55 - Words: 175,902 - Reviews: 1466 - Favs: 690 - Follows: 321 - Updated: 8/31/2011 - Published: 4/1/2010 - Bella, Jacob - Complete
Forks 98331 :The Holidays by August Shaffer reviews
Bella has faced revenge of the Homecoming Queen and been stalk. The teens at Fork will deal with much. Drug addiction, pregnancy scare, secrets, and presents to die for. Welcome to Forks High
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Suspense - Chapters: 9 - Words: 46,680 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 27 - Follows: 41 - Updated: 7/8/2011 - Published: 4/22/2011 - Bella, Jacob
The Black Manta by tewig reviews
Bella Swan visits Seattle on a routine work trip after a long absence from Forks. But dark secrets lurk, and she finds out that nothing is as it seems. -currently on hiatus until TaC is completed-
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 195 - Reviews: 41 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 29 - Updated: 7/8/2011 - Published: 1/21/2011 - Bella, Jacob
Lost Memories by Terrahfry reviews
Slash- M/M. Phil's losing sleep over his lost love Morrison & Adam's losing sanity over losing Jeff. Both Heartbroken & lonely, will they be able to find comfort? Punk/Mor, Matt/Jeri, Jeff/Edge, Randy/Jeff/Miz, Punk/Edge. AU, OOC.
Wrestling - Rated: M - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 12 - Words: 48,356 - Reviews: 84 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 23 - Updated: 6/23/2011 - Published: 1/13/2010 - CM Punk, Edge
A Place To Belong by brokendisguise reviews
Takes Place in New Moon when Bella confronts Jacob. Her heart is broken when he tells her to leave and never come back. The second heartbreak and the unlikely visitor in her room reveal the painful truth about her past. Is she alone in the world?
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 19 - Words: 56,844 - Reviews: 375 - Favs: 1,054 - Follows: 380 - Updated: 5/26/2011 - Published: 4/1/2011 - Bella, Paul - Complete
Forks 98331 by August Shaffer reviews
AH: What happens when Bella starts a new school where the kids can be down right deadly!Join the teens on a journey of pure hell as they finish their last two years of High School. Romance, mystery, angst and more will be offered.
Twilight - Rated: M - English - Angst/Drama - Chapters: 39 - Words: 181,900 - Reviews: 111 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 31 - Updated: 4/22/2011 - Published: 3/17/2011 - Bella, Jacob - Complete
If Only She'd Never Come Back by Willow2883 reviews
One-shot told from Billy's POV and his worry with the influence of Bella Swan's return to Forks and how that has affected his son. Especially after already being abandoned by his mother and his sisters. Rated T for some swearing.
Twilight - Rated: T - English - Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,460 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 15 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12/17/2010 - Billy, Jacob - Complete