It was Thursday morning, and we had just pulled into the school. I saw Bella sitting in her truck, and I could feel the mischief and excitement rolling from her direction. I was instantly cautious, getting out of Edwards volvo and walking slowly towards her. She smiled at me and hopped out of her truck, big wrapped box in hand.
"Here. I bought you something," she said excitedly, thrusting the box at my stunned form. I cautiously took the package and examined it. It was a large box, wrapped in pink playboy bunny wrapping paper, with a large silver bow on it. It also smelled, badly.
"Stop looking at it like it's gonna bite you," she laughed. "Quite the opposite, in fact. Open it," she demanded, pushing a wave of impatience at me. So I opened it.
"I brought you lunch!" she exclaimed proudly, as I stared in horror at the rabbit cowering away from me in the corner of the box.
"I told you it wouldn't bite you, but you can sure bite it! Mmm, Mmm, Good!"she said, rubbing her stomach. And then she walked off, laughing, leaving me standing there holding the box.
"She is a fragile package," I whispered, speaking more to myself than anyone else. I felt my families shock, and realized what I had just said. It was true, though. I was attached to the fragile little human girl. To Bella. Sometime during the last week of fuckery, I had become attached. Congratulations, it's a girl. I blamed it on the rabbit.
--Seeing that Vernon was on the floor, cuffed, and on his way to his doom and the infant he had literally tried to DROWN now safe in his arms… John couldn't help himself.
A full-out, down-south, 'I-just-fucked-your-mum' smirk… And Vernon looked even more livid then he had before.
--"Can we move on with the meeting?" Severus snapped. Riddle glared at him and leaned back in his chair, tapping his long fingers on the table.
"My 1st year DADA classes are slow. My 2nd year DADA classes are made of idiots. My 3rd year classes are sad. Their handwriting is atrocious. I would opt for giving them detention but my evenings are too precious for me to give up. That's me time. My 4th year class, the Gryffindors and Slytherins. I despise Gideon Weasley and I wish him to a painful and cruel death. He's a smartass and I wish to beat him upside the head. He believes that I have it out for him, which is completely and utterly true. I can say that I'm truly ecstatic that he's smart enough to realize that."
This was all said very fast and in the most bored tone as possible. The rest of the faculty seemed used to Riddle's foul mouth and his continuous bashing of Gideon Weasley. Severus would have added to that bashing if he was given the chance.
"The Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs just meet my standards. Ginny Weasley is just as annoying as her brother if not more. If she isn't being an annoying know-it-all, she's staring at me as if I'm Jesus Christ, resurrected and have come back to personally save her. Her staring is increasingly disturbing and I fondly wish for them to stop. My 5th year class…the Ravenclaws, are very good. The Hufflepuffs are terrible. They're so soft and whiny. 'Oh, we can't hit that dummy. It's too cute'. They're a bunch of wusses. The Gryffindors are…adequate. Hermione Granger is too bloodthirsty. Fay Dunbar is a strategist, a good one at that. Parvati Patil has been studying the art of interrogation. She's actually quite good. She has been working with her twin sister in conjunction. They created the formula of good cop, bad cop. A Muggle term I believe. And Longbottom…" Riddle trailed off. Severus snorted.
"Inadequate I'm sure. The boy is useless in general. He's a coward. Why he's a Gryffindor, I'll never know," Severus snapped. One of his favorite pastimes was putting down the boy. Sprout scowled at him for insulting her favorite student. Minerva glared.
"I know the boy has poor grades but to put him down like that is unacceptable," Minerva said, harshly. Riddle gave Severus a cool stare.
"I was going to say that Neville Longbottom is a great student with potential to be a leader. His drive stems from the anger and hatred he feels for those that harmed his family. His physical skills leave something to be desired and his wand work is less than adequate but I allow him in my class because I despise wasted potential. His wand work is due to an insufficient wand and lack of confidence. His new friendship and partnership with Miss Greengrass. Despite my pairing him up with Miss Singh to spar, Miss Potter has taken it upon herself in pairing up my class with different sparring partners. They seem to switch up every time I tell them to spar," Riddle said, sounding less than annoyed.
Severus would have been quite angry if a student had the audacity to undermine his authority. Maybe Riddle didn't have as much control as he believed. Severus smirked.
"Can you not control your students?"
--"Tom? Sirius wants to talk to you," Hermione interrupted. Bella glared at her sister and Hermione grinned, giving a shrug. Tom pulled away from Bella and walked lazily towards the open door to the study.
"Maya, could you leave us alone for a moment," Sirius requested. Maya's lip curled into a smirk.
"Of course. But, I do expect a full recount of what goes down and a total count of injuries."
"Ms. Granger, I doubt that it will come down to injuries," Tom said, smirking. Sirius and Maya exchanged looks.
"Don't be too sure," they said in unison. Maya left the room and Bella frowned at Sirius. He shook his head and Bella shrugged before turning to walk to wherever Blaise and Draco were. Luna had gone home to write her first article for the Quibbler and Charlie had gone to help the Weasleys move their things to Riddle Manor.
Maya closed the door behind her and Tom crossed his arms.
"I have come to terms with Bella's affections for you. I don't understand it. I think you're an evil and sick bastard. But, obviously, she sees differently. So, lets set some ground rules," Sirius stated. Tom raised an eyebrow.
"I'm sorry but I'm a grown man—" Tom started. Sirius nodded, sagely.
"I realize that, Riddle, to my increasing disgust. She's not an adult. So, she has rules. Now we have eight simple rules for dating my teenage daughter. Rule number 1—"
"I wouldn't call it dating, Black," Tom said, flatly. Sirius' hands clenched and he gave Tom a vicious grey glare. He was really getting tired of this man Goddamned back talk.
"Do you talk? Do you take her places? Do you give her gifts? Because that's called dating, old man. Get with it," Sirius snarled. Tom glared at the man but held his tongue. He didn't really feel like getting into a problem with Sirius.
"Rule number 1. You already broke it. You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. I hope that's clear," Sirius said, sharply.
Tom was extremely disturbed by the evil eye that Sirius was giving him.
"Rule Two: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, not your 40's world, sex without utilizing a 'barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. So, if you have needs, satisfy them by wanking," Sirius snapped.
Tom was looking at Sirius as if he were insane. The dog Animagus probably was. The man did have a list of these rules and he was actually reading them aloud to Tom, whom was a grown man.
"Rule Three: I have no doubt you are a popular guy, with many opportunities to date other women. Maya has told me that you are the most eligible wizarding bachelor at the moment. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. And it will be less than pleasant," Sirius continued. He was still writing on the damned piece of parchment and for some very strange reason, Tom was actually getting a little nervous.
Not that he'd ever admit that.
"Rule Four: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. If you take her to muggle London, movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided. Movies, which feature chainsaws, are okay. Quidditch games are okay. Old folks homes are better," Sirius continued. He finished his document and opened a drawer in his desk.
He pulled out an old wooden box with the Black crest on it. He opened it and withdrew a wicked knife.
And then he began sharpening it.
Tom kept the horror from his face but he could only think one thing: WHAT THE FUCK?
"Rule Five: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a handsome, young, college-aged, Marauder but I'm also an Unspeakable. On issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a wand, my knives, and one hundred acres of Black estate. Do not trifle with me," Sirius snarled, giving Tom a sharp look.
Tom's eyes widened the slightest bit and Sirius seemed a bit happier now. He thought he was winning. Tom would commit suicide before he let Black think he won. Tom took on a bored expression, as if he weren't paying attention.
Even though he was. Sirius looked ready to throw those knives at him.
"Rule Six: Upsetting her means upsetting me. Upsetting me means that you will have a werewolf and an Animagus on your ass. I hope that you can run fast because you're going to need it. In my Animagus form, I can run twenty miles an hour. Werewolves run faster. I just wanted to alert you to that little fun fact. If you try any funny stuff, I will register you as a sex offender in every country in Europe," Sirius added. He pretended that he was going to throw one of the sharper knives. Tom instinctively began to dodge. Sirius let out a bark of hard laughter.
"Rule Seven: I do not want to get to know you. You do not want to get to know me. That is fine. We do not have to discuss politics or sport or whatever. But, be sure that I will be looking at your history in the files in the Department of Mysteries and the DMLE. The only information I need to hear from your mouth is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear from you on that subject is 'early'. She has a curfew. She should be back here before midnight. If she is even one minute late, you will find yourself without a vital body part," Sirius warned. Tom nodded, slowly.
What the hell? Bella's godfather was fucking crazy. Did he really have to be soul bound to the girl with the crazy ass guardian?
"Rule Eight: Be afraid. Be very afraid."
"Yes. All right. Can I leave…I'm leaving now," Tom said, looking at the fanatical man. Sirius held up a hand and looked down at his desk.
"Wait. My daughter explained her affections for you and it sounded strangely familiar. You see, Lily was an Unspeakable as well. She worked in the Death Chamber. But, as an Apprentice, she studied the Book of Bonds in a room right off the Love Chamber. I'm sure you've heard of the Book of Bonds. It's interesting enough that Bella has a soul bond. And they are pretty confusing. Studies have shown that most people who have a soul bond that has been consummated have no idea why they are attracted to their partner," Sirius started.
Tom froze and a winning smile spread across Sirius' face. He looked unbelievable smug in that one moment and Tom was trapped. He had tried so damn hard for no one to find out. It would be just tedious and annoying. But, of course, Bella's godfather had to be annoyingly persistent, a Black, and an Unspeakable.
"I asked her why you. She listed several bad traits of you. She said you were a terrible person. Interestingly enough, she backtracked and called you 'compassionate, kind, caring, and a good man'. I think that's a load of bull. She doesn't know why. That leads me to believe that she's Imperiused or she has a soul bond. Which one? Pick wisely. If you pick the wrong one, I'll be obligated to carve you into a jack o' lantern for the upcoming Halloween," Sirius said, flatly. Tom crossed her arms.
"You already figured it out. What are you going to do? Destroy your goddaughter's other half? She'd hate you," Tom said, coldly, dropping his hand into the pocket of his trousers. Sirius laughed and nodded. His laugh was a vicious bite and he suddenly stood up.
"That's true. But, I think I'll let you destroy yourself. If there's anything Bella and I share, it's the fact that we hate being lied to. And you've been lying to her about this from day one, haven't you?" Sirius countered. Tom tensed and his hand closed around his wand.
He couldn't help but think of something else he wasn't telling the young woman. Something else that was equally important as the soul bond or even more so.
"I thought so. For someone as old as you, Riddle, you're incredibly stupid."
"You're the last one to be telling me that I'm stupid, mutt," Tom snarled. He spun on his heel. He threw the door open and walked out quickly, leaving Sirius in the room. Tom stopped in the dining room. The fire in the fireplace was roaring. Draco and Blaise stood near it with an annoyed Bella.
Maya and Hermione were nowhere to be seen.
"Before you leave…" Blaise said, almost cheerfully.
That's when Tom knew something was wrong. Blaise didn't do cheerful. He was morose and unemotional at best.
"What is it now?" Tom sighed. Bella raised an eyebrow.
"What did he say to you?"
"Ask him yourself. Now what is it?" Tom demanded. Blaise and Draco cleared their throats. Draco stepped forward and gave Tom a dark look.
"Hurt her and your body will be found on Hogwarts' Grounds," Draco started. Blaise nodded, sagely.
"In pieces," Blaise added. Tom pinched the bridge of his nose and Bella glared at both of them.
"Shut the hell up. Both of you," Bella snarled. Tom rolled his eyes, took a pinch of Floo powder, wrapped his arm around Bella's waist, and pulled her into the green inferno.
"Caldero Hirviendo," Tom said, clearly. Blaise's eyes widened and Bella blinked in surprise.
Soon, they were spinning and Bella once again, almost fell out of the fireplace once more. Tom darted forward and caught her before she hit the ground. She gasped and laughed when he pulled her back up. He rolled her eyes and she glared at him.
"Don't be an arse," she warned him. Tom shrugged. He wasn't really in the mood for banter.
"Where are we?" Bella asked. No one was really staring at them but that was probably because not many people had really noticed them yet. Bella flinched when she saw a group of witches reading a translation of Witch Weekly.
"Spain. Madrid to be exact. And we have a dinner reservation. Come on," Tom sighed. Bella followed him as he led her out of the small shop and out into Wizarding Spain.
Five pairs of eyes followed the couple.
--"You're late." Noir purred.
"A fool tried to attack me."
"Poor man. May his soul go to hell." Maen muttered sipping his drink.
Harry just sent him a glance.
--“I like to look good, that makes me a tease. I like to eat, that makes me a pig. I like to get off, that makes me a slut. I like to be treated with respect, that makes me a man-hating dyke. Trust me, I have no problem being labeled a bitch.”
“The only men that sparkle in the sun are gay and fabulous!"
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
--“You call me a BITCH? WELL, A BITCH IS A DOG, DOGS BARK, BARK IS ON TREES, TREES ARE PART OF NATURE, AND NATURE IS BEAUTIFUL, SO YEAH, THANKS FOR THE COMPLIMENT.”
--"I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to leave. I'll gather everyone up, and we'll leave you and your men alone. I'd put a sign above St. Louis for all the hired thugs, if I could." "What would it say?" I asked. "Here is a bigger motherfucker than you are." Jacob, Anita Blake—Flirt by Laurell K. Hamilton
--I tried being reasonable, I didn't like it. -Clint Eastwood
--“All right, then, I'll go to hell.”
--“Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does all the work”
Some people just don't seem to understand the concept of fiction. It is fiction; it ain't true, folks.
You'd think a sociopath assassin wouldn't have a fan following but he does.
Everyone spends their lives trying to balance their world between good and evil.
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.
Each life makes its own immitation of immortality.
Fiction is the truth inside the lie.
French is the language that turns dirt into romance.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
God is cruel. Sometimes he makes you live.
He had a massive stroke. He died with his tie on. Do you think that could be our generation's equivalent of that old saying about dying with your boots on?
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses.
I watched Titanic when I got back home from the hospital, and cried. I knew that my IQ had been damaged.
It's better to be good than evil, but one achieves goodness at a terrific cost.
No, it's not a very good story - its author was too busy listening to other voices to listen as closely as he should have to the one coming from inside.
Only enemies speak the truth; friends and lovers lie endlessly, caught in the web of duty.
People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them I have the heart of a small boy... and I keep it in a jar on my desk.
Talent in cheaper than table salt. What separates the talented individual from the successful one is a lot of hard work.
The devil's voice is sweet to hear.
The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of because words diminish your feelings - words shrink things that seem timeless when they are in your head to no more than living size when they are brought out.
The place where you made your stand never mattered. Only that you were there... and still on your feet.
The trust of the innocent is the liar's most useful tool.
We make up horrors to help us cope with the real ones.
When asked, "How do you write?" I invariably answer, "one word at a time."
Other than my hundreds of arrests I really don't have that much experience with the law. While the majority of people aren't corrupt, there certainly is an awful lot of corruption in this country.
A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.
A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.
But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.
Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.
Have I gone too far?
I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.
I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.
I am in love with Larry David.
I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.
I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.
I hate it, it is tedious... when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.
I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.
I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.
I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great.
I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.
I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.
I'm basically always on tour.
“To be a bitch or not to be a bitch, that is the question.”
--You say I'm a b*h like it's a bad thing
Mommy, I wanna grow up to be a neurotic b*h just like you.
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
If you are psychic - think HONK
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats
Keep honking, I'm reloading
Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
As long as there are tests, there will be prayers in public schools
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
A woman need a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
My son is inmate of the month!
I wish I was Barbie...That BITCH has everything!
It looks like you bought that carfrom Dollar General!
It's fun to cheat on a test but, not on people
Honk if youve never seen an uzi fired out the back of a car window.
P.E.T.A.- People. Eating Tasty Animals
--A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
--CAUTION: Your daughter might be on board
Hang up and drive!
Welcome to America ... Now speak English
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Heart Attacks...God's revenge for eating His animal friends.
Guys...just because you have one, doesn't mean you have to be one.
Don't like my driving? Then quit watching me.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
Some people just don't know how to drive...I call these people: Everybody, But Me."
If you can read this...I can slam on my brakes and sue you.
The proctologist called...they found your head.
Impotence...Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."
Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.
HONK IF PARTS FALL OFF
For a small town, there sure are a lot of assholes!
"If ass holes could fly, this place would be an airport!"
Honk to see finger!
"Better a blow job, than no job!"
My Otha Ride is YO MOMMA!
Work hard, the people on welfare depend on you!
I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
Everyone has a photographic memory...some just don't have any film.
Jesus loves you...but everyone else thinks you are an asshole.
--Three Vampires walk into a bar and sit down.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink
So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.
The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didn't you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "I'm making tea".
--Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"
When April didn't stir, little timmy, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, timmy came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, timmy jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
A Teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:
Karl said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying chooks. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess.'
Next little Emilie raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chooks for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks
Little Johnny, do you have a story to share?'
'Stay the fuck away from Aunty Raylene when she's been on the piss.'
"I'm your motherfucking spiderman suck it spider O'Malley Rules" :)
"Men don't settle down because of the right woman. They settle down because they are finally ready for it. Whatever woman they're dating when they get ready is the one they settle down with, not necessarily the best one or the prettiest, just the one who happened to be on hand when the time got to be right. Unromantic, but still true."
"Stupidity isn't punishable by death. If it was, there would be a hell of a population drop." Anita Blake"
"I try to be a good cop. I try to be a good little soldier and follow orders up to a point. But in the end I’m not really a cop, or a soldier. I am a legally sanctioned murderer. I am the Executioner."
"Neal stood, kicking free of the clinging curtain. "I'll kill you." I drew the firestar and pointed it at him.
"We are not created equal in talent. But the place where we are least equal is the heart. You can work at a talent, take lessons, but love, love either works or it doesn't. You love someone or you don't. You can't change it. You can't undo it."
"Only love of a good woman will make a man question every choice, every action. Only love makes a warrior hesitate for fear that his lady will find him cruel. Only love makes a man both the best he will ever be, and the weakest. Sometimes all in the same moment. -Wicked "
"Can the sarcasm,' he said. 'Please, I always use fresh sarcasm, never canned."
"There comes a point when you just love someone. Not because they're good or bad or anything, really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt each other. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, something because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it."
"Animators Inc., where our motto is: Where the living raise the dead for a killing."
"I hoped he was right, but one thing I've learned about vampires-they keep pulling new rabbits out of their cloaks. Big, fanged, carnivorous bunnies that'll eat your eyeballs if you're not paying attention."
"Every relationship is messed up. What makes it really perfect is if you still want to be there when things suck."
--Apparently, I looked okay because Bernardo said, "I take it back. If you'd
packed a dress, you'd be prettier than I am."
I shook my head. "No, I wouldn't, but thanks for saying it."
"Let's go," Edward said.
"She is showing too much breast," Olaf said.
I looked at his completely sheer black shirt. "I can see your nipples."
His face darkened. I think he was actually blushing. "Bitch."
"Yeah, sure, you and the horse you rode in on," I said.
--Edward felt for Riker's pulse and didn't find it. He looked at me across the
man's body. I'd always thought Edward killed with coldness, but his baby blues
held a fine, heated rage, like a forest fire barely under control. He was still in
control of himself, but for the first time I wondered if there would come a point
tonight where he'd lose it. You can only stay cool and collected when things
don't matter. And Peter and Becca mattered to Edward. They mattered more
than I'd have ever thought anyone would matter to him. Them and Donna, his
He told me to reload the sub gun. I did what he asked. If Edward said I'd
nearly emptied an entire clip in just a few seconds, I believed him. I added the
extra clip from the dead man to the purse.
Edward went for the door, and I followed him. I'd thought that nothing
could be scarier than Edward at his most cold. I was wrong. Edward the family
man was downright terrifying.
--Jean-Claude moved up beside me. Wanda's smile broadened or deepened. It was a
definite "come along smile" as my Grandmother Blake used to say.
Jean-Claude whispered, "Is that a prostitute?"
"Yes," I said.
"In a wheelchair?" he asked.
"My," was all he said. I think Jean-Claude was shocked. Nice to know he could be.--
--‘Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses have wilted, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl is empty, and her wrists are stained red.’
Ты бед земных не замечаешь,
Когда, любовью окружив,
Дитя своё в ночной тиши качаешь
Услышь несчастных и гонимых,
Проникни в души к нам незримо
И научи твоей любви
Аве Мария Russian
--"It's raining, it's pouring, Cerridwen came calling, you went to bed and woke up dead, oops what a morning," she sang softly….
"Fee Fi Foe Fum, I smell the blood of my next victim."
"Hickory, dickory, dock, Cerridwen ran up the clock. The clock struck one, the muggle fell down! Hickory, dickory, dock," Cerridwen sang sweetly as she stepped out in front of the man, with her head tilted to the right she looked at the man and smiled innocently. "Want to play?"
"Who the blazing hell are you?" he demanded angrily.
"I am Cerridwen and I want to play," she said flicking her wand at him. He flew backwards and landed painfully against the staircase.
"Consider yourself at home;
-- "Hey, House, what's up?" Wilson said easily, and smiled at myself and Lula. Lula beamed back at him.
"The hooker's friend here says-" House began, but Lula cut him off.
"Fucking cheek. I retired from that game years ago!"
Wilson looked slightly shocked and House spluttered slightly before saying, "Has nobody told you that you need to get a non-hooker wardrobe?"
Lula looked like she was going to argue the point, and I thought it time to get down to brass tacks. "Dr. House, Dr. Wilson. We're actually not patients at all; we're here on business. We're bond enforcement agents."
--"Dude, Nikel, make them go away. I think you proved your point." Nikel frowned, "Back to hell you evil fucking horses from the depths of the underworld. May your souls forever burn in the pits of Hades." "He just cursed them in like three different religions." Gabriel muttered. "Well I see where their anger comes from." I stated looking as Nikel returned them to their drawings. "I'd be pissed too if I was an orange horse." Allina grumbled. Nikel didn't respond he just looked at the Cullens, "Sufficient enough proof."
--Sirius rises late in the dark, liquid sky
--While traditionally the dish is best served cold, it strikes her that piping hot might be just the thing in this case.
She says to Molly, "Did you recognize the curse?"
Molly shakes her head.
"You took my only child. I struck you sterile. You will be as a winter field, and spring will never come again."
--Today, my girlfriend dumped me proclaiming she wanted someone more like her "Edward". I asked her who Edward was. She held up a copy her "Twilight" book. She was talking about a fictional vampire. FML
Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML
Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML
Today, my boyfriend brought me breakfast in bed, told me all the things he loved about me, got down on one knee and pulled out the little blue box I had been hoping for, for so long. He opened the box and there was a note inside that said, "April Fools!" FML
Today, while I was out to eat, I was approached by the restaurant manager. He told me that while he respected my personal choices, his patrons didn't feel comfortable with someone who used to be a man using the women's restroom. He thought I was a transsexual. I am a naturally-born female. FML
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves. So I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
--Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
--He looked at me then, his eyes so wide there was a flash of white to them. "I'm going to try to leave before your people get here. Oh, yeah," he said, "I feel them like something hot riding closer, so much power coming to your rescue, as if you need rescuing." He laughed, but not like it was funny. "Go, Jacob," Nicky said. Jacob looked at me. "If your name ever comes up in connection with another job, I'll turn it down." "No matter how much money they offer you?" I asked. He nodded. "There isn't a price big enough to get me to come near you again." He actually looked at the gun in his hand under Ellen's body. I watched him think about it. "I'll make you a deal, Anita Blake. You don't come near me, and I will leave you the fuck alone." "Deal," I said. Nicky hugged me. "I don't think I'm leaving, Jacob." "I know that." He looked at me then, his eyes so wide there was a flash of white to them. "I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to leave. I'll gather everyone up, and we'll leave you and your men alone. I'd put a sign above St. Louis for all the hired thugs, if I could." "What would it say?" I asked. "Here is a bigger motherfucker than you are." Jacob returned my weapons and trusted me not to shoot him in the back. He walked to the edge of the cemetery with Ellen in his arms and only when he was about to enter the trees did he turn and look at me. Maybe I should have shot him, but my lioness was content with beating his ass and letting him go. In the world of lions, he wouldn't be back. Here was hoping my lion knew what she was talking about.
--Flirt—Laurell K. Hamilton
I HAVE GOT TO SAY THAT KLAUS IS ONE SEXY BEAST, AND ELIJAH'S RIGHT THERE WITH HIM