longmasher
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Joined 03-10-11, id: 2785028, Profile Updated: 05-21-15

Story favorites on my profile might be a bit odd in genre as I don't have a particular favorite but like to read them all. Gloomy or especially gory fics are usually avoided and there might be the odd slash that wormed its way into the list so ye have been warned.

Favorite books tend to drive into fantasy or sci fi such as Warhammer 40k, Forgotten Realms, Dragonlance or anything written by Tad Williams, David Eddings, Terry Brooks, Piers Anthony etc, etc.

Manga reading includes Hellsing, D Gray man, Beserk, Princess Ressurection, Claymore, Familiar of Zero, Paladin

Anime watching goes through Zero no Tsumika, Spice and Wolf , Hellsing Ova, Gosick, Naruto, The World God Only Knows, Baka Test, Mayo Chicki and some others.

Webcomics include

Ctrl alt del
Emergency exit
Parallel dementia
Firefly cross
Earthsong
WTF comic
True magic
Little gamers
Oriyan
Penny arcade
Oracle for hire
Flaky pastry
Etherial dreams
Looking for group
Darken comic
Beyond reality
Lint comic
Keychain of creation
Reckless youth
Twisted mirrors
Minions comic
bardsworth
Awkward zombie
CBQ epics
Lunas journey
Evilish
Poultry arisen
Press start to play
Wayfarers moon
Metroid defusion
Fatal twilight
The adventures of wiglaf and mordred
Weregeek
Inverloch
Twokinds
Muse academy
The wotch
Return to eden
Undertow comic
Everyday decay
Vampire phantasm
Cwens quest
Picatrix
The war of winds
Growth
Sorcery 101
Vg cats radioactive
Wyyrd
The final fantasy 6 comic
Nuklear power
Order of the stick
The argon’s chronicles
Wtb dignity
Applegeeks
Peter is the wolf
Dark fantasy
Evil overlords united
Van von hunter
The dementia of magic
Yang child
cascadia
Within shadows
Thunder and lightning comics
Accidental centaurs
Chimera quest green dream
Breaking the magic
Kingdom hearts online
Sunshine in winter
Between two worlds 136
Final fantasy bunch
3rd party fantasy
Final battalion
Wayrift
Final fantasy mix
Dr mcninja
Pokemon x june 8 2007
The seven keys
Everything goes
George the dragon
Palestra
Taint
The mage did it
Vf comic
Villains of final fantasy
Final fantasy WTH
Tonberry Theater
A day in the life of black mage
Faellia the lost relics
Gadd the barbarian
United final fantasy
Lawn darts
Hurrocks fardel
Final beginning
$5 fate
Games of the elite
Rice comic
Mystican dreams
Pyraliss

Fallen angel
The reborn
Marios day job
Sonic comic
Halo: combat stupid
Dream about me
Schorhr’s random comic
Two evil scientists
Byte me comic Kingdom hearts chain of oddness
Chasing the sunset
Seat of wrath
Drown the maidens
Mario & luiges misadventures
Kingdom hearts: the never ending quest
Phoenix rising 44
Post nuke comic
Mystic fantasy
Demon spawned
Falling into shadows
Catharsis
Gone with the blastwave comic
A modest destiny
necropolis
Chronicles of avernyght
For the reels
Dueling analogs
Lonely pair
Fatebreaker
Slightly damned
Genei kukan
Untitled: the good life
Achewood
Bier suppe
Dragon tails comic
The perry bible fellowship
Juathuur
Geist panik
Haru sari
magickitsune.com
RTF return the favor
Yang child
Deity permit
Elgoonishshive
Epic fail comic
Another halo comic strip
Midnight fox
Eidolic fringe
Nahast
Twelve dragons
Purgatory tower
One question comic
Black tapestries
Into the black
Kefkaroth
Resident dysentery
Killroy and tina
Blackthorn
Nineswords
Bizarre uprising
Demon gate
Thunder rhapsody
The dreamwalker chronicles
Shades of grey
Outrim
Cru the dwarf
Kitsune jewel
Serenian century
Tales of kenah
Rune master tales of a demon slayer
Tales of the great ninja pirate war
TGSA
Joyride
Goodcheese
Concession comic
The royal knights
World of dragons breath
Fayth: the saga
Deverish also comic
Ethereal legacies
Brat halla
Yosh
Motdw
Truck bearing kibble
Duengeons of distraction
Rpg classics
The war of the winds
Edemia
Dead heaven
cealdian
oglaf.com
depravia
tsoalr
the crooked gremlins
guilded age
the world wasn't meant
delve comic
underling
Saturday morning breakfast cereal
troops of doom

twice blessed

widdershins

Some of these comics might be hiatus or otherwise discontinued.

Favorite movies are the Dark Knight, Pulp Fiction, Advent Children, Wolfman 2010, Alice in Wonderland 2010, Van Hellsing, Constantine, X-men First Class and there might be more but I can't remember.

T.V shows are limited to Terminator The Sarah Conner Chronicles, Stargate SG 1 and Atlantis, Farscape, Corner Gas and Star trek Enterprise

That's about it.

I doubt I'll be writing anything but here's some stuff I've picked up off the net. Alot of it is probably from this site so if anyone thinks I"m copywriting something of yours, let me know.

-Longmasher

I had a cat once. It tasted like chicken... What? I was hungry and the store was, like, closed.

"The Pope is dead. Long live the Pope". I must confess that I don't see what the fuss is about... He's just a regular human being like the rest of us. And besides I don't believe in God and all that religious stuff. I believe in myself instead. [pause] I'm going to hell for saying that huh?

SHIT HAS HAPPENED - (A)BORT, (R)ETRY, (G)ET A BEER?

-The Quartet for the Dusk of Man

"Four Gods wait on the windowsill

Where once eight Gods did war and will

And if the Gods themselves may die

What does that say for you and I?

Now, three Gods wait on the windowsill

Where one God's blood was lately spilled

While black tongues lap at the spreading pool

And build the strength they need to rule"

When two Gods wait on the windowsill

The wick of the world is burning, still

But when one God in triumph shouts

The candle of the world goes out"

“God, Guns and Guts keep us safe from hippie nuts”

“When in doubt, blow stuff up”

“I will smack you so hard your grandchildren will be mentally disabled”

"Wish in one hand, crap in the other. See which one fills up first."

"This is my rifle. This is my gun. This ones for fighting. This ones for fun."

Teabagging is when you stick your balls in someone's mouth while they're asleep. It's technically a form of rape, but it's also hilarious.

"Some say violence isn't the answer. Guess what? They're dead

“I got news for you pal. You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town.”

“This is my BOOM STICK! That’s right, twelve gauge double barreled Remington, you can find this in the sporting goods department, retail is about $199.99, it has blue cobalt steel, oak wood and hair trigger. Shop smart, shop S-mart. YOU GOT THAT? Now the next one of you primates even touches me...”

“Because if you try it I’m gonna stick this chainsaw so far up your ass you’ll be whistling Dixie through a hole in your head, comprende?”

"Comfort the Disturbed and Disturb the Comfortable"

Let's see. My first impression: I hate you

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

Do you know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who’s in command here.

I swear to god if any of you start calling me gay, I will slice your throats and drink the blood as I use your skulls for tomorrow’s cereal bowls…I mean it

You call or ring the doorbell to them and get them to open the door. If they tell you to open it yourself, tell them that your hands are full and need them to open the door for you. When they come to the door, hold gun up to the door, a bit to the left and up for an upper body shot. When you feel their hand trying open open the door, fire.

"Fate, It's such a silly human construction. Thinking that the complexity of the universe can be so easily explained. That it actually has a logical order that the human mind can understand. How pathetic!"

Violence is the answer, provided that you use enough of it.

You got gypped.

Sinnin and grinin.

“If you need me, I’ll be easy to find: the little shop with the sign that says ‘Liquor in the front. Poker in the rear’.”

“We are warriors. This is our call, the reason why we exist. Would you deny us our nature? Would you wish regret upon us?”

‘This is my crowbar. There are many like it, but this one is mine.’

'If you scan my mind it could be worse. I have seen nightmares you couldn't imagine. Worlds boiling into hydrogen, the fall of Arcadia, the last great Time War and the destruction yet to come. So still want to shake my hand? Go ahead.'

To make dynamite for example; combine a 98 concentration of fuming nitric acid with three times it’s mass in sulfuric acid; make sure the container you’re doing this in is floating in a tub full of ice water. Then, add glycerin drop by drop and you get nitroglycerin; they don’t tell you the precise amount, but it’s presumable that some kind reaction would occur. Mix that with sawdust and a few other choice chemicals, and you get stable dynamite.

I believe, whatever doesn’t kill you simply makes you… Stranger…

"You know your crazy when you shave a cat, throw it out the window and scream "FLY JUNIPER FLY!

"So I'm crazy just because YOU have a leprechaun dancing on the ceiling?!"

"GREAT! Now I'm on fire! Are you happy now, ARE YOU!?"

"I'm not high, I'm insane. There's a difference you know."

"Perfection is an impossibility for humanity, for the simple fact humans themselves are imperfect. The ideal that things in our world are perfect, are simply ideals that are mistruths conjured up by madmen attempting to sustain that pitiful existence. It is impossible for us to understand what is perfect, for we are not perfect ourselves. Once humanity realizes this, we can all get on with our lives."

"Nirvana: A state of enlightenment. Ex: I have achieved Nirvana of chocolate bars, as I am enlightened to there delicious gooey goodness."

It doesn't matter to me if you’re the highest of royalty, or the lowest of men, you start with me, I end it

"I have a vewy gweat fwiend in Wome called Biggus . . . Diccus!"

"Stwike him Centurion! Stwike him vewy woughly!"


"Enemies of the Imperium hear me! You have come here to die! The Immortal Emperor is with us and we are invincible! His soldiers will strike you down! His war machines will crush you under their treads! His mighty guns will bring the sky crashing down upon you! You cannot win. The Emperor has given us his most powerful weapon to wield, so make yourselves ready! We are the 1st Kronus regiment and today is our victory day!" Govenor-Militant Lukas Alexander prior to the battle of Victory Bay


From Master of The Boot's profile

Just because you were born in '97 doesn't mean you're a 90's kid. It's not like you could remember the original Simpsons. I am sorry but three conscious years of the 90's just wont cut it. You're a 90's kid if you remember:

You remember watching -Doug -Ren & Stimpy -Pinky and the Brain -AAAAAAAH Real Monsters! -Rockos modern Life. -Animaniacs -Gargoyles
You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!"
You just cant resist finishing this . . . "in west Philadelphia born and raised . . ."
You remember -Step by Step -Family Matters -Dinosaurs -Boy Meets World-Full house
You remember when it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.
You remember reading "Goosebumps"
You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence . . . not
When everything was settled by -rock paper scissors or -bubble gum bubble gum in a dish or -ms. mary mack
When kick ball was a daily activity.
When we used to obey our parents
You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record your FAVORITE song of ALL time on a tape.
You remember when Super Nintendos and Sega Genisis became popular.
You remember The Original Game Boy.
You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos . . . but never taped anything funny.
You remember watching -The Magic School Bus -Wishbone -Reading Rainbow -mr.rodgers neighbor hood-and Ghostwriter on PBS
You remember when Yo-Yos were cool.
You remember those Where's Waldo books.
You remember eating Warheads and Splashers Gum.
You remember watching -the 1st Batman -Aladdin -Ninja Turtles -ghost busters
You remember Ring Pops.
you remember when every thing was "da BOMB!"
You remember boom boxes .vs. cd players.
Making those little paper fortune things, and then predicting your life with them.
You played and/or collected "Pogs"
You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet, or Nano and brought it everywhere.
One word. . . . . . . .trolls.
Windows 95 was the best.
You watched the original cartoons of -Rugrats -Wild Thornberry's -Power Rangers -Rocket Power.
All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.
You collected those Beanie Babies.
You remember Carebears
You know that Lambchop's song never ended.
Silver dollars, which were cool to have.
Everyone watched the WB.
If you even know what an original walkman is.
You know the Macarena by heart.
"Talk to the hand" . . . enough said
You went to McDonald's to play in the playplace.
You remember playing on merry go rounds at the playground.
Before the MySpace frenzy . . . Before the Internet & text messaging . . . Before Sidekicks & iPods . . . Before PlayStation3 or X-BOX 360 . . . Before Spongebob . . . Before Tupac was shot.
When light up sneakers were cool.
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was 0.95 a gallon.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs.
You had slap bracelets!
You Actually played outside until it was dark!
You had a furbie and grew sick of it because it wouldn't shut up!!
You remember the ORIGINAL cooooookie crisp commercial with with the little doggy and not that stupid wolf they have now...
Way back. Before we realized all this would eventually disappear.

Ninety-Five percent of teenagers are concerned about being popular. If you are part of the five percent who aren't, copy this, put it in your profile, and add your name to the list: Queen S of Randomness 016, Queen B of Randomness 016, AnimieKittyCaffe, The Gypsy Pirate Queen, That Bloody Demon, The Astrology Nerd, Shadow929, Crazy Billie Joe Loving Freak, Yavie Aelienel, Hyperactively Bored, Spymaster E, Shanny-Boo, Gem W, Brown-eyed angelofmuisc, piratesswriter/fairy to be, Bara-Minamoto, Em Quagmire, Buffy the Mary-Sue Slayer, Harry's Girl 01031992, WanderingTeen DESEPERE ROMANTIQUE, dark-hearted rose, Konoha's Kage, HikariNiwa, Takaiteishu Naru, Sensatsu Suisho Drifter, Korraganitar the NightShadow, EZB, Master of the Boot, Longmasher.


Go fuck a duck

Go hump a stump

Pain is inevitable, misery is a choice

“old enough to kill, old enough to drink.”

WE ARE THE SWORD OF MANKIND! WE ARE THE FIRE THAT PURGES THE TAINT!”

“Life’s a bitch, you have to make it your bitch”

“I’m still confused why you need a,” he paused as he read over the list. “Let me see... a live trout, a feather duster, a fireworks Sparkler, a nine-iron, a pack of already-chewed-bubble gum, half a pound of salt, two 6-inch candles, a rusty grill scrapper, two rolls of duct tape, and a copy of ‘Barney the Dinosaur Goes To Washington’.” “Better you not know.”

We live in between worlds: the “truths” and the “illusions”, but beneath it all, we live in ignorance. We see what we want, we believe what we see, and we want what we believe. We live a complex life, where the simplicity is overpowered by our complications. In our eyes there is only black and white, but in our lives there lies many shades of grays.

Never tell me the odds,”

Giving people freedom means also giving them the freedom to behave foolishly.

Cruel necessities, no matter how needful, are still cruel.

He either has some really good weed, or some really bad crack.

Cry! Scream! And then, DIE!!

Screw you guys, I'm going home.

Respect My Authority.

Buying incendiary long-range weaponry to deal with pests (parents, teachers, sisters etc) is not allowed.

Three hours of Barney the Purple Dinosaur and he was seriously considering firing an Avada Kedavra at the thing. He ground his teeth as the 'I love you' song started up for the fortieth time. Four blasted lines, sung in an annoying voice, repeated over and over. Potter was going to rue the day he thought up this little stunt.

Even worse, Fawkes was humming the song! Dumbledore's eye twinkle was taking on a rather manic look as the minutes passed. Silencing spells didn’t work, yelling at it was useless, and the only way to get it to stop would be to collapse the wards around the school. He was seriously considering it at this point. Who knew muggles could create something to drive themselves insane? No wonder no one understood them anymore.

"You're like a alzheimers victim in a whore house, you just don't know what to do"

"In my culture I would be well within my rights to dismember you"

"This is a weapon of terror, it is designed to intimidate. This is a weapon of war, it is designed to kill!"

Barney is the evil overlord of darkness because it’s a known fact that Barney corrupts the minds of children.

“Give me your name and I'll give you mine.”

Shit happens

Some people needed killing, that was the only way it would end. He’d gotten over his ideals a long time ago. He wasn’t a homicidal maniac, but he there were simply times when people didn’t deserve second chances.

“Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies,”

Who are you truly?... The angel who soars above... Or maybe the fallen who are deprived... Who are you truly?... Grasp your destiny and choose... For I keep calling for you... But do you listen or do you run from me?... Who are you truly?... Take off the mask... Forget everbody's sneering... Take off the cloak... Forget their mockery... Take off the shadow of namelessness... And most importantly, forget their whispers... Who are you truly?... Stand up... Grasp your sword... And scream as you charge... Scream who you are. This is who I am.

KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!

“That girl over there, she must be a lesbian.” “Why? Because she wouldn't sleep with you?”

They shall be my finest warriors,
these men who give of themselves to me.
Like clay I shall mould them,
and in the furnace of war forge them.
They will be of iron will and steely muscle.
In great amour shall I clad them
and with the mightiest guns will they be armed.
They will be untouched by plague or disease,
no sickness will blight them.
They will have tactics, strategies and machines
so that no foe can best them in battle.
They are my bulwark against the Terror.
They are the Defenders of Humanity.
They are my Space Marines
and they shall know no fear.

The Emperor of Mankind, on the Creation of the Space Marines

Jesus tap-dancing Christ!

“There’s this Indian who wants to marry the chief’s daughter. So he asks the chief if he can marry her. The chief says that he must go out into the woods for thirty days with nothing but a tomahawk and a pair of moccasins. And while in the forest, if he gets aroused, he has to hump a tree. If he comes back alive, he gets to marry her. So the Indian goes off into the forest and thirty days pass. The Indian returns and there’s a big celebration. Afterwards, he and the chief’s daughter go to consummate their marriage. And a few seconds later, everyone hears this bloodcurdling scream. They run over to the tent to see what’s wrong and find the Indian whacking his new wife with a stick. The chief yells, ‘what you doing!? You crazy!?’ the Indian shakes his head and says, ‘Not crazy! Check for bees!’”

Now you will receive us. We do not ask for your poor, or your hungry. We do not want your tired and sick. It is your corrupt we claim. It is your evil that will be sought by us. With every breath, we shall hunt them down. Each day we will spill their blood, 'til it rains down from the skies. Do not kill. Do not rape. Do not steal. These are principles which every man of every faith can embrace. These are not polite suggestions. These are codes of behavior, and those of you that ignore them will pay the dearest cost. There are varying degrees of evil. We urge you lesser forms of filth, not to push the bounds and cross over, into true corruption, into our domain. For if you do, one day you will look behind you and you will see us, and on that day you will reap it. And we will send you to whatever god you wish. And shepherds we shall be, for Thee, my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out Thy command. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri … … et Fili … … et Spiritus Sancti.

This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extreme violence

If I had no sense of humor then I would have commited suicide long ago

Do not argue with an idiot, he will drag you down to his level and beat you with
experiance

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they'll be when you kill
them

Some people say 'if you can't beat them, join them'. I say 'If you can't beat
them, beat them', because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will
have the element of surprise

If at first you don't succeed...go back and reload the gun

Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat

There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three

That news traveled faster than heroin through an addicts veins.

'Twas on the good ship Venus,
By god you should have seen us;
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed
Sucking a dead man's penis.
The captain's name was Lugger.
By god he was a bugger.
He wasn't fit
To shovel shit
From one ship to another.

The second mate was Andy,
By god he had a dandy,
Till they crushed his cock
On a jagged rock
For coming in the brandy.

The third mate's name was Morgan,
By god he was a gorgon,
From half past eight
he played till late,
Upon the captain's organ.

The captain's wife was Mabel,
And by god was she able
To give the crew
Their daily screw
Upon the galley table.

The captain's daughter Charlotte,
Was born and bred a harlot,
Her thighs at night
were lily white,
By morning they were scarlet.

The cabin boy was Kipper,
By Christ he was a nipper.
He stuffed his ass
with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

The captain's lovely daughter
Liked swimming in the waters.
Delighted squeals
Came when some eels
Swam into her sexual quarters.

The cook his name was Freeman,
He was a dirty demon,
He fed the crew
On menstral stew
And hymens fried in semen.

The ship's dog's name was Rover,
We turned that poor thing over,
And ground and ground
that faithful hound
From Tenerife to Dover.

And when we reached our station,
Through skillful navigation,
The ship got sunk
in a wave of spunk,
From too much fornication.

On the good ship Venus,
By god you should have seen us;
The figurehead
Was a whore in bed
Sucking a dead man's penis.

"No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.

I like to go in, get the job done, and leave. A sniper in a far off window, or a grenade thrown into a bugged warehouse. Some may call my methods cowardly, but I don't give a fuck. I mean, I'm still here, right? My guys are dead and I'm not, my conscience is just a little but lighter, so why the hell should I go through the theatrics? Those speeches people are so fond of do nothing but prolong the inevitable.

“Run little piggy,I want to hear you squeal!”

"I'm going to start wounding you now. I'm not sure when I'll stop."

Well, I don't care if it's God's own anti-son-of-a-bitch machine, or a giant hoola hoop, we're not gonna let 'em have it!

'Power drives a man insane. They sink people into madness. Greed breeds to more greed, eventually, consuming even their soul. You'll understand if you meet a dictator one day. You'll see just how inconsolable monsters humans can become.'

Loveless

Prologue
When the war of the beasts brings about the world’s end
The goddess descends from the sky
Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting

Act I
Infinite in mystery is the gift of the goddess
We seek it thus, and take into the sky
Ripples form on the water’s surface
The wandering soul knows no rest.

Act II
There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds

Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh

Act III
My friend, do you fly away now?
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow

My friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess

Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return

Act IV
My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left the bow of the goddess

My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber

Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world’s end
The wind sails over the water’s surface
Quietly, but surely

Act V
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return
To become the dew that quenches the land
To spare the sands, the seas, the skies
I offer thee this silent sacrifice

You can bugger the bear, if you do it with care,
in the winter, when he is asleep in his lair,
Though I would not advise it in spring or in fall--
but the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.”

Hey, you're the perfect height... to kiss my ass!

The bird of Hermes is my name,

Eating my wings to make me tame

In the Sea withouten lesse,
Standeth the Bird of Hermes:
Eating his Wings variable,
And thereby maketh himself more stable;
When all his Fethers be agon,
He standeth still there as a stone;
Here is now both White and Red,
And also the Stone to quicken the dead,
All and sume withouten fable,
Both hard, and nesh and malliable
Understand now well aright,
And thanke God of this sight.”

“I am that divides all that is from all that is not. I have been here since before the creation of this universe and other countless universes. I have seen infinite number of universes being created and destroyed. I have seen all the universes and all their past, present, future and all their alternatives. I am the Scale, upon which the balance of good and evil is measured. I am the time before time, time after time, and time itself. I am space, both infinite and non-existent. I am that separates zero from one.”

“Lots of people don’t like what I have to say, most of the time. It’s scary. It makes them see beyond their little walls of normality. No one likes being forced to see the monsters, but the monsters don’t go away just because no one likes them. So I tell them anyway, and damn the consequences.”

“It’s always the same! Always thinking that you can treat evil like–like a disease, or some quirk of the DNA, to be fixed with a bit of genetic manipulation. Like there’s some magic bullet or cure for it, to make everything perfect. As if evil weren’t a deliberate choice, a path walked with open eyes. It never changes.

“Your chivalry is admirable, your sense of reality deplorable,”

"Killing...and being killed...They are just a way to pass time!"

His beer had gone flatter and warmer faster than Christ’s foot making that first step onto water.

If you kill one of us, we will kill ten of you. If you kill ten of us, we will kill a hundred of you. If you kill a hundred of us, then we will kill a thousand of you. If you kill a thousand of us, then we will raze you to the ground to the point where nothing will survive, not even fucking Bacteria.

I'm gonna say something to express my annoyance at the deep doo-doo we've just gotten into...I'll give you a hint; it starts with F and ends with uck..." "Firetruck?" "...Ya, let's go with that."

“Pig-fucking son of an incontinent cockroach”

An Ode To My Mom

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of
next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the
store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. (My favorite) My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't
have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that
way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

I don't suffer from insanity! I enjoy every minute of it.

I'm perfectly sane, it's the world that's crazy.

Here's a riddle, two guys destroyed your bike with a bat and a crow bar, one of them wasn't me.

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and its gone.

If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', whats the opposite of 'progress'?

Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?

When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back an let the world wonder how you did it.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Procrastinate NOW!

The voices in my head tell me I need therapy.

The newscaster is the person who says “Good evening” and then tells you why its not.

I used to have super powers, but my therapist took them away.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look to astonished.

If Procrastinators formed a club, would they ever meet?

We live in an age where the pizza delivery will reach your house before the police.

I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

I am not a humanitarian. I am a hell-raiser.

Heck is the place for people who don't believe in Gosh.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every-time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Sarcasm is one more service I offer. Compassion costs extra.

Insanity is a perfectly rational adjustment to an insane world.

Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.

Life is like robbing a bank; so worth the while!

You want to know who your real friends are? Screw up and see who's still there

Don't tell me the sky's the limit, when there's footprints on the moon-

Don't look at me with that tone of voice!-

Silence is golden, duck-tape is silver-

It's a wonder they haven't locked you up yet

A good friend would come and bail you out of jail. A true friend would be sitting there beside you saying, "Man that was fun! Let's do it again!"

Question: if some one with multiple personalities threatens to commit to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation??

Who ever said that anything was possible has obviously never tried to ski through a revolving door...

He shouldn't let his mind wander, it's too little to go out on its own

He had a good idea once, but it died of loneliness

-"Fiction is a lie and good fiction is the truth inside the lie"

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

You've gotta die in creative ways.

They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a
truck. Then the truck backed up and ran them over again.

If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.

To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy

When in doubt, use brute force. When that doesn't work...RUN!!

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.

Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.

I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.

You can't fall off the floor, but you can always pick yourself back up.

Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

If you mess with anything long enough, it'll break.

Push something hard enough and it will fall.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes!

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you
wouldn't have been notified.

Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia,
but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?

Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum

Sleep: A completely inadequate substitute for caffeine

The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first
given opportunity (It's true I tell you!)

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

Never knock on Death's door... Ring the bell and run away... he hates that

Before you critisize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you critisize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.

There is darkness. There is chaos. There is evil. They are not now, nor have ever been the same thing.

Warning: trespassers will be shot. Warning: survivors will be shot again

Always forgive your enemies... Nothing annoys them so much.

"Don't worry about the world ending today, it's already tomorrow in Australia. Unless you're in Australia, then start worrying.

If the whole world depends on today's youth, I can't see the world lasting another 100 years.

You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal.

The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.

Never say 'bite me' to a vampire.

If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it.

light travels faster than sound. this is why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak."

"lottery: a tax on people who dont understand statistics."

"main reason santa is so jolly: because he knows where all the bad girls live."

"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."

"I'd kill for a nobel peace prize."

"If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?"

"If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving isn't for you."

"If everything is coming your way, your in the wrong lane."

"If I could get a firm grip on reality, I'd choke it."

"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?"

"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?"

"If you can read this . . . I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!"

"I want revenge. Is that so wrong?"

"Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done."

The problem with reality is a lack of background music.

I laugh in the face of death...maybe not laugh more like a snicker...a quiet snicker, and I wouldn't do it directly in death's face so, it's more like a quiet snicker behind death's back.

If I won't be myself, who will?

We live in an age where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.

A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.

In theory, everything works.

Do unto others before they do unto to you.

Everyone is entitled to my opinion.

Your chances of getting struck by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and yell, "Storms suck!"

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like grandfather...not screaming like the passengers in his car.

If you can keep your head while other people are losing theirs, you probably don't fully understand the situation.

They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it everytime I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?

Your village called, they want their idiot back.

Welcome to loserville. Population: you

"I'm an angel, honest! The horns are just there to keep the halo straight"

My mechanic told me,"I couldn't repair your brakes,so I made your horn louder."

"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."

"I did my homework! I just forgot to write it down."

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.


The world will end tomorrow (unless postponed by rain).

Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Stupidity killed the cat. Curiosity was framed.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

WANTED: Meaningful Overnight Relationship

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me!

So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.

I need someone real bad...Are you real bad?

Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder.

The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

I(nternal) R(evenue) S(ervice): We've got what it takes to take what you got.

Reality is a crutch for people that can't handle drugs.

Out of my mind...be back in five minutes.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Hang up and drive.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many!

I said "NO" to drugs, but they don't listen!

Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU are still an idiot.

Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Where there's a will...I want to be in it.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't drink and drive...You might hit a bump and spill your drink!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

Always remember that you are unique...just like everyone else.

HONK if you want to see my Finger.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.

Keep honking while I reload.

Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot either!

Who were the testers for Preparations A through G?

Madness takes a toll, please have exact change.

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

If you can read this, I can hit my breaks and sue you.

Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.

Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.

My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that.

Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!

Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Don't drink and derive.

If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.

Stop repeat offenders! Don't re-elect them!

One by one, the penguins are stealing my sanity

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Never punch a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. (with me as the exception! no hitting me!)

There are few problems that can’t be solved with high explosives.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

I never argue with an idiot. They drag me down to their level, and then beat me with experience."-

"Nobody move! I dropped my brain."

"Sanity!? Sorry, but I don't remember having such a useless thing in the first place." -


“The choice is yours. It is always yours. But remember–so are the consequences yours.”

“Free will, There is nothing more precious in all of Creation. You have to give your enemies the chance to redeem themselves. Even when they choose otherwise. That makes all the difference.”

He saw . . . .Something more than ancient. He saw eternal. He saw wisdom, and foolishness, compassion and cruelty. Towering arrogance, but still the capacity to be humbled, to admit a mistake. A child’s eternal wonder, and a desire to hope and believe, but battered and stained almost past the ability to forgive. Mercy, torn to shreds by tides of war and darkness. A man, full of weakness and frailty and sin–but for all that, he shone like the heart of a star.

It is in our choices and our decisions that lead us to do acts of kindness or evil.

"Use your intellect to guide you, and you will end up putting people off. Rely on your emotions, and you will forever be pushed around. Force your will on others, and you will live in constant tension. There is no getting around it—people are hard to live with."

If vodka was water...
And I was drunk...
I'd swim to the bottom and never come up...
But vodka's not water...
And I'm not drunk...
So slide me a bottle and shut the fuck up.

The Preachers can prattle on about how we had to for the Greater Glory Of Humanity but I know full well that they have never seen death close up like we have. I know that by my own standards I am steeped in sin. But at least my sins are warriors sins and they are not the worst I have seen at that. Not by a long way.

"Don't admit defeat and seek death, die first, then admit defeat. When you lose, but don't die it just means you were lucky. At those times, think only about survival. Survive and think only about killing the guy who failed to kill you"

You're the best for the job, and I don't let shit like branch pride get in the way of that. Proud corpses are useless to me.

Is that what you think, or is that what your festering humanity believes? Humans have predictable impulses stemmed from greed. You desire to own, to obtain, to consume, to enjoy. Entities such as myself move as we are instructed by sudden moments of compulsion. We gain NOTHING, we want NOTHING; that is what separates us from the divine.”

Divinity controls; divinity is balance. It creates, regulates, and corrects until there is no more change to be made, and the soul uncorruptable.”

“ I bet you squeal real nice.”

"What you talking 'bout Willis?"

Hey, I'm gonna shag your daughter tonight.

“The answer to the Great Question, of Life, the Universe and Everything. It’s 42… or pickles.”

The problem with America is stupidity, Now I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity but why not take the safety labels off everything and let the problem sort itself out"

“Morals are for virgins and prostitutes.”

"Kill a man, one is a murderer; kill a million, a conqueror; kill them all, a God." – Jean Rostand

"This is the way the world ends/ Not with a bang but a whimper." – T. S. Eliot

“A wall stands in your way…you can go through it or around it. Going through it is quicker, but it hurts you to do so.” “Going around that wall is far less painful, and you still arrive at the same goal.”

We are sinners viewed as saints by the people we kill for."

The Preachers can prattle on about how we had to for the Greater Glory Of Humanity but I know full well that they have never seen death close up like we have. I know that by my own standards I am steeped in sin. But at least my sins are warriors sins and they are not the worst I have seen at that. Not by a long way.

'If you can not dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.'

Honour, Tradition… I have no need for such petty things. In the line between life and death, manners are the least that I need.

“You just killed a fucking priest. I knew you were going to hell before, but goddamn, you’ve got reservations and a first-class ticket now.”

"Because as nice as today is, Tomorrow is going to be that much worse."

"I come in peace, I didn't bring artillery. But I am pleading with you with tears in my eyes: If you fuck with me, I'll kill you all."

"Murder is killing someone because you want to. Because the need to end their life has consumed you. For gold, anger, lust… All sorts of sins. Sin motivates murder”

"When you shot that man, no sin motivated you. I'm not saying killing folk is ever easy. It's not. You might think that over time it does, but every time I do so, believe me, it pains me something fierce." "But it's good that it pains you to kill."

"Why?"

"Because, it means you're still a person… And not just a killer."

"As long as you feel guilt, you are still good. It's a pain that keeps you alive."

"When in doubt, whip it out!"

"No retreat, no surrender. Either we came back successful, or came back in a coffin."

"Violence is never the answer. Violence is the question to which "yes" is the answer.

The bad guy always comes back unless you put him down.

"That's how the universe will die, how all great things will die. Not with a fanfare, not with glory but with a small, pathetic whimper,"

“You’re just cranky because I let Galactus experiment on your genitalia.”

I might have felt remorse over shooting a youngster like that, but the gun he was carrying was all grown up.

“This…is my rifle, There are many others like it but this one is mine”. “My rifle is my best friend, it is my life. I must master it as I master my life. Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than any enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before the gods I swear this creed. My rifle and myself are the defenders of my people. So be it, until there is no enemy, but peace.”

“One job leaves you feeling like a noble guardian, the other you feel like a butcher. Truth is, people like us, who spill the blood in the mud, are both.”

No trespassing. Violators should notify next of kin. Have a pleasant day."

"Trespassers could die a quick and certain death or they could be invited in for stew. Thank you for thinking better of disturbing my privacy."

"Rumors of spike-filled pits along this path are almost totally false. Thank you for your caution."

I recently replaced my heart with a baked potato. This arrangement worked out fine until I started getting hungry. My makeshift heart met the same fate as its predecessors, so if anyone has some random vegetable they could loan me, it'd be great.

Death is a primitive concept. (The Last Starfighter)

Everybody Lies. (House)

The innocent lie because they don't want to be blamed for something they didn't do. And the guilty lie because they have no choice. (Law and Order... I think)

In certain extreme situations, the law is inadequate. In order to shame its inadequacy, it is necessary to act outside the law. To pursue... natural justice. This is not vengeance. Revenge is not a valid motive, it's an emotional response. No, not vengeance. Punishment. (Frank Castle, The Punisher)

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people. (V for Vendetta)

Si vis pacem, para bellum - If you want peace, prepare for war. (Frank Castle, The Punisher)

There's power in your words. (The Bible)

Believe what you want to believe. (Rouge the Bat)

But I'm not responsible for me. (Conner Gas)

Even the nameless taxi driver is OOC. I’m scared for what’s coming. (tabbi katt- some random fanfic sporker)

A family serves like the banks of a stream. They keep you in your place, but bastards make their own way. (The Archer's Tale)

The question that once haunted my being has been answered. The future is not fixed; my choices are my own. And yet, how ironic... for I now find that I have no choice at all. I am a warrior...let the battle be joined! (Dinobot)

Tell my tale to those who ask. Tell it truly, the evil deeds along with the good, and let me be judged accordingly. (Dinobot)

You got the right, same as anyone, to live and try to kill people. (Mal, "Firefly")

You're like a trained ape, without the training. (Simon, "Firefly")

The most important things are the hardest to say, because words diminish them. (Stephen King)

A dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest, honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for; because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid. (Captain Jack Sparrow)

To die would be a great adventure. (Peter Pan)

The Impartial Friend: Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all--the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved. (Mark Twain, "Moments with Mark Twain")

You let one of them go, but that's nothing new. Every now and then, a little victim's spared... because she smiled, cos he's got freckles, cos they begged. And that's how you live with yourself, that's how you slaughter millions, because once in a while, on a whim, if the wind's in the right direction, you happen to be kind. (The Doctor -- "Doctor Who")

It is said that all art is self portrait, yet we can only view art through the lens of our own psyche. Therefore, an artist may paint one image and his public see something else entirely. (Anthony Wharem)

I'm gonna beat that idiot till he's so disfigured that he can't even look in a mirror without pissing his pants."

"People die everyday. Don't see you mourning them now, do I?"

"That's the reason for most wars, no one goes to war thinking their reasons are selfish and greedy."

"You blame people for their birth and upbringings, things they can not control,for accusing others of it, you are the one who is not human."

Police and the Rabbit.
The German, the American, and the Swedish police are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. A test is arranged where a rabbit is released into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The Swedish police goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The American police goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The German police goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: 'Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit.'

The Cabbie and the Nun.
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
"I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a long passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party".

S&M.
One day while Mom was cleaning her son's room, she found a S&M magazine hidden in the back of the closet. Unsure of how to, or even whether to, confront her son, she waited until the father came home, and showed it to him. He flipped through the magazine and then handed it back to her without a word.
Impatiently, she prompted him, "Well!? What should we do about this?"
"Well," her husband muttered hesitantly, "I don't think you should spank him."

His and Hers.
Her story.
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the colour. Maybe I should never wear this colour again either. The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
His story.
Shitty day at work. Really tired. Got laid, though.

"Live to the fullest, age to the fullest, go bald to the fullest… and die long after I do. And if you can… die with a smile."

“I heard a street preacher tell this strange story, a story about a man who wrestled with an angel. The angel was stronger, and broke the man's hip. But the man, beaten and in pain, clenched his hands together and refused to let the angel go."

"So who won?"

"Well, that's the point, isn't it?" "The man couldn't hurt the angel, but the angel couldn't get away."

"It doesn't matter," "Who won and who lost, that is. It's only the struggle that has any meaning."

A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

Who are you? (The Vorlon Question)

What do you want? (The Shadow Question)

Why are you here? & Do you have anything worth living for? (Lorien's Questions)

Where are you going? (Techno Mage's Question

"We have all done things that cannot be taken back. But sins cannot be cleansed with blood. For that there is duty."

"LOOK UPON US AND DESPAIR!

FOR WE ARE THE HAMMER!

WE ARE THE HATE!

AND YOU. WILL. DIE!"

"A sword is a weapon; swordsmanship is a method of murder. You can decorate it with all sorts of pretty words, but that is what it is. Kill some in order to protect others, murder some to save all, that is the ultimate purpose and final principle of all sword techniques, and if you use your sword to bring about this justice, then you too … are nothing but a murderer”.

"What arrogance do you have, to presume that you alone have the right and authority to force your ideals upon others? Exceptional you might be, but you are too naïve; you believe that the world is predictable, where everything exists in binary notions of right and wrong, when in reality it is all a matter of perspective. What is right for one may be wrong for another, have you ever thought of that? By what basis do you define what is right and what is wrong? When there exist no parameters to make these definitions in the first place?"

"If you indeed intend to make a difference in this world, in this chaos, then you will have to join one side or the other, to the one which your mind tells you is right, which then puts you under the power of the one's who control that side, and by that definition, they will control you, and consequently use you,"

"Truth often hurts, and if their delicate and tender sensibilities get offended by my telling them the bare truth of what their existence has been reduced to, then it is no concern of mine."

"To constitute political life in a state presupposes a good man, whereas to have to recourse to violence in order to make oneself a ruler in a republic presupposes a bad man. Hence very rarely will there be found a good man willing to use bad methods in order to make himself a ruler, though with a good end in view."

"Nor will any reasonable man blame him for taking any action, however extraordinary, which may be of service in the organizing of a kingdom or the constituting of a republic. It is a sound maxim that reprehensible actions may be justified by their effects, and that when that effect is good, it always justifies the action. For it is the man who uses violence to spoil things, not the one who uses it to mend them, that is blameworthy."

"A ruler should therefore disregard the reproach of being thought cruel where it enables him to keep his subjects united and loyal. For he who quells disorder by a very few signal examples will in the end be more merciful than he who from too great leniency permits things to take their course and so result in chaos and bloodshed; for these hurt the whole state, whereas the severities of the ruler injure individuals only."

"It is essential therefore, for a ruler who desires to maintain his position, to have learned how to be other than good, and to use or not use his goodness as necessity requires."

"Everyone sees what you seem to be, but few see you for what you are."

"Fight? Yes, I would. Because to understand peace you have to experience war. If you want to judge, you will have to be judged first. And to quench fear, you have to experience it. So if I must stain my hands with blood to bring about a peaceful world I'll gladly make this sacrifice.. For the greater good my people have sacrificed hundreds of their lives. For their ideals, they have fought battles they could not hope to win. I will help to end this war before any more lives are ended."

"If you ask me, she's more Christian than either of you, and seeing as how she's a Buddhist…I think…that's sad."

"If violence isn't working, you obviously aren't using enough."-Anon.

"The man who lives by the sword, gets shot by the man who doesn't."-Anon.

"Blades never need reloading."-Max Brooks

"Yes, pandas are evil. Anything that lazy must be a fascist."-Micheal68

Man in that position, if he is a man and not a worm, chooses the right, not the legal. He ends up in jail? Well least he'll be sleepin' the sleep o' the just in his cell."

"Load up on guns and bring your friends."

To be Unclean
That is the Mark of the Xenos
To be Impure
That is the Mark of the Xenos
To be abhorred
That is the Mark of the Xenos
To be Reviled
That is the Mark of the Xenos
To be Hunted
That is the Mark of the Xenos
To be Purged
That is the fate of the Xenos
To be Cleansed
For that is the fate of all Xenos

To be Unclean

- That is the mark of the Mutant

To be Impure

- That is the mark of the Mutant

To be Abhorred

- That is the mark of the Mutant

To be Reviled

- That is the mark of the Mutant

To be Hunted

- That is the mark of the Mutant

To be Purged

- That is the fate of the Mutant

To be Cleansed

- For that is the fate of all Mutants

“How many people have to die? How many cities have to be leveled? How many wars have to rage? What does it take before someone is held accountable for their actions?”

The occasion of a Waaagh is a cross between a mass migration, holy war, looting party and pub brawl, with a bit of genocide thrown in for good measure. Millions of battle-hungry Orks invade their target and stomp everything in their way flat. Just who is invaded is a matter of supreme indifference to the Waaagh. Battle is battle.

Walk softly and carry a big Multi-melta.

If you don't expect gratitude you'll seldom be disappointed.

“A system that refuses to change alongside a constantly changing environment will lead to a disastrous and destructive outcome."

"I'm always in shit; it's just the depth that varies..."

'I am not getting violent, I'm just getting creative with weapons.'

'If you can not dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets.'

'Death is the consequence of being alive',

'Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway',

'Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent'

The simplest way for you to understand it would be for you to take everything you know about space travel, time dilation, and the universe in general, then multiply that by forty-two."

'Tis half past three and the chill is gone

This is the longest binge I've ever been on

I've had so many pints my minds stupefied

But through all the haze I still hear them cry

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

A curse to you lad a curse on your head

Drinking pint after pint until I am dead

I just keep drinking and I don't know why

But tonight is the night that I drink till I die!

It's quarter to five and I'm still going strong

Is this the only place I truly belong?

To make it all then by the good lord beseech

Lying on the floor with my drink out of reach

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

A curse to you lad a curse on your head

Drinking pint after pint until I am dead

I just keep drinking and I don't know why

But tonight is the night that I drink till I die!

'Tis six in the morning can't remember my name

I see all the faces they all look the same

And the puke on the floor makes a terrible stink

What is this demon that makes me want to drink?

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

A curse to you lad a curse on your head

Drinking pint after pint until I am dead

I just keep drinking and I don't know why

But tonight is the night that I drink till I die!

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

A curse to you lad a curse on your head

Drinking pint after pint until I am dead

I just keep drinking and I don't know why

But tonight is the night that I drink till I die!

It's now almost noon and the spinning has stopped

There will be no more drink to the floor I do drop

And there's ole Nick offering eternal pain

He smiles as he sings this infernal reappraise

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

A curse to you lad a curse on your head

Drinking pint after pint until I am dead

I just keep drinking and I don't know why

But tonight is the night that I drink till I die!

A curse to you lad a curse on your head

Drinking pint after pint until I am dead

I just keep drinking and I don't know why

But tonight is the night that I drink till I die!

Drink motherfucker

Drink motherfucker

Drink!

"Become your own ideal! Become an artist no one can replicate! Be the madman in the crowd of sanity! That way even if they ridicule you, you can laugh in their faces; not because you are different but because they are all the same!"

"People these days have a tendency to mistake crap for art."

thou shall not fuck with someone who can fuck with you


Alignments

Any person, creature, deity or extraplanar realm can have one of the nine alignments. In an attempt to simplify the codes of conduct for characters, non-canon takes on alignment sometimes occur.

Lawful Good

Lawful Good is known as the "Saintly" or "Crusader" alignment. A Lawful Good character typically acts with compassion, and always with honor and a sense of duty. A Lawful Good nation would consist of a well-organized government that works for the benefit of its citizens. Lawful Good characters include righteous knights, paladins, and most dwarves. Lawful Good creatures include the noble golden dragons. Lawful Good outsiders are known as Archons.

Lawful Good characters, especially paladins, may sometimes find themselves faced with the dilemma of whether to obey law or good when the two conflict - for example, upholding a sworn oath when it would lead innocents to come to harm - or conflicts between two orders, such as between their religious law and the law of the local ruler.

In the Complete Scoundrel sourcebook Batman, Dick Tracy and Indiana Jones are cited as examples of lawful good characters.[7]

Neutral Good

Neutral Good is known as the "Benefactor" alignment. A Neutral Good character is guided by his conscience and typically acts altruistically, without regard for or against Lawful precepts such as rules or tradition. A Neutral Good character has no problems with co-operating with lawful officials, but does not feel beholden to them. In the event that doing the right thing requires the bending or breaking of rules, they do not suffer the same inner conflict that a Lawful Good character would.

Examples of Neutral Good characters include Zorro, and Spider-Man.[7] The Neutral Good outsiders are known as Guardinals.

Chaotic Good

Chaotic Good is known as the "Beatific," "Rebel," or "Cynic" alignment. A Chaotic Good character favors change for a greater good, disdains bureaucratic organizations that get in the way of social improvement, and places a high value on personal freedom, not only for oneself, but for others as well. They always intend to do the right thing, but their methods are generally disorganised and often out of alignment with the rest of society. They may create conflict in a team if they feel they are being pushed around, and often view extensive organisation and planning as pointless, preferring to improvise.

While they do not have evil intentions, they may do bad things (even though they will not enjoy doing these things) to people who are, in their opinion, bad people, if it benefits the greater good. Most elves are Chaotic Good, as are some fey.

Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica, Malcolm Reynolds from Firefly, and Robin Hood are examples of Chaotic Good individuals.[7] Eladrin are the outsider race representing Chaotic Good.

Lawful Neutral

Lawful Neutral is called the "Judge" or "Disciplined" alignment. A Lawful Neutral character typically believes strongly in Lawful concepts such as honor, order, rules and tradition, and often follows a personal code. A Lawful Neutral society would typically enforce strict laws to maintain social order, and place a high value on traditions and historical precedent. Examples of Lawful Neutral characters might include a soldier who always follows orders, a judge or enforcer that adheres mercilessly to the word of the law, a disciplined monk.

Characters of this alignment are neutral with regard to good and evil. This does not mean that Lawful Neutral characters are amoral or immoral, or do not have a moral compass; but simply that their moral considerations come a distant second to what their code, tradition or law dictates. They typically have a strong ethical code, but it is primarily guided by their system of belief, not by a commitment to good or evil.

James Bond, Odysseus, and Sanjuro from Yojimbo are considered by Complete Scoundrel as Lawful Neutral.[7] Three exemplars of Lawful Neutral outsiders exist. These are the Formians, the Inevitables and the Modrons.

Neutral

Neutral alignment, also referred to as True Neutral or Neutral Neutral, is called the "Undecided" or "Nature's" alignment. This alignment represents Neutral on both axes, and tends not to feel strongly towards any alignment. A farmer whose primary overriding concern is to feed his family is of this alignment. Most animals, lacking the capacity for moral judgment, are of this alignment. Many roguish characters who play all sides to suit themselves are also of this alignment.

Some Neutral characters, rather than feeling undecided, are committed to a balance between the alignments. They may see good, evil, law and chaos as simply prejudices and dangerous extremes. Mordenkainen is one such character who takes this concept to the extreme, dedicating himself to a detached philosophy of neutrality to ensure that no one alignment or power takes control of the Flanaess.

Druids frequently follow this True Neutral dedication to balance, and under Advanced Dungeons & Dragons rules were required to be this alignment. In an example given in a D&D rulebook[citation needed, a typical druid might fight against a band of marauding gnolls, only to switch sides to save the gnolls' clan from being totally exterminated.

Lara Croft, Lucy Westenra from Dracula and Han Solo in his early Star Wars appearance are neutral.[7] The true neutral outsiders are known as the Rilmani.

Chaotic Neutral

Chaotic Neutral is called the "Anarchist" or "Free Spirit" alignment. A character of this alignment is an individualist who follows his or her own heart, and generally shirks rules and traditions. Although they promote the ideals of freedom, it is their own freedom that comes first. Good and Evil come second to their need to be free, and the only reliable thing about them is how totally unreliable they are. Chaotic Neutral characters are free-spirited and do not enjoy the unnecessary suffering of others, but if they join a team, it is because that team's goals coincide with their own. They invariably resent taking orders and can be very selfish in their pursuit of personal goals. A Chaotic Neutral character does not have to be an aimless wanderer; they may have a specific goal in mind, but their methods of achieving that goal are often disorganised, unorthodox, or entirely unpredictable.

An unusual subset of Chaotic Neutral is "strongly Chaotic Neutral", describing a character who behaves chaotically to the point of appearing insane. Characters of this type may regularly change their appearance and attitudes for the sake of change, and intentionally disrupt organizations for the sole reason of disrupting a lawful construct. Characters of this type include the Xaositects from the Planescape setting, and Hennet from the third edition Player's Handbook. In Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, Chaotic Neutral was frequently assumed to refer to this subset.

Captain Jack Sparrow, Al Swearengen from the TV series Deadwood, and Snake Plissken from Escape from New York are Chaotic Neutral characters according to Complete Scoundrel.[7] Slaadi represent pure chaos.

Lawful Evil

Lawful Evil is referred to as the "Dominator" or "Diabolic" alignment. Characters of this alignment see a well-ordered system as being easier to exploit, and show a combination of desirable and undesirable traits; while they usually obey their superiors and keep their word, they care nothing for the rights and freedoms of other individuals and are not averse to twisting the rules to work in their favor. Examples of this alignment include tyrants, devils, undiscriminating mercenary types who have a strict code of conduct, and loyal soldiers who enjoy the act of killing.

Like Lawful Good Paladins, Lawful Evil characters may sometimes find themselves faced with the dilemma of whether to obey law or evil when the two conflict - however their issues with Law versus Evil are more concerned with "Will I get caught?" vs "How does this benefit me?"

Boba Fett of Star Wars, and X-Men's Magneto are cited examples of Lawful Evil characters.[7] The Lawful Evil outsiders are known as Baatezu (Devils).

Neutral Evil

Neutral Evil is called the "Malefactor" alignment. Characters of this alignment are typically selfish and have no qualms about turning on their allies-of-the-moment. They have no compunctions about harming others to get what they want, but neither will they go out of their way to cause carnage or mayhem when they see no direct benefit to it. They abide by laws for only as long as it is convenient for them. A villain of this alignment can be more dangerous than either Lawful or Chaotic Evil characters, since he is neither bound by any sort of honor or tradition nor disorganized and pointlessly violent.

Examples are an assassin who has little regard for formal laws but does not needlessly kill, a henchman who plots behind his superior's back, or a mercenary who switches sides if made a better offer.

Complete Scoundrel cites X-Men's Mystique, and Sawyer of the early seasons of Lost as Neutral Evil characters.[7] Yugoloths (Daemons) are the multiversal representatives of Neutral Evil.

Chaotic Evil

Chaotic Evil is referred to as the "Destroyer" or "Demonic" alignment. Characters of this alignment tend to have no respect for rules, other people's lives, or anything but their own desires, which are typically selfish and cruel. They set a high value on personal freedom, but do not have any regard for the lives or freedom of other people. They do not work well in a group, as they resent being given orders, and usually behave themselves only out of fear of punishment.

It is not compulsory for a Chaotic Evil character to be constantly performing sadistic acts just for the sake of being evil, or constantly disobeying orders just for the sake of causing chaos. They do however enjoy the suffering of others, and view honor and self-discipline as weaknesses. Serial killers and monsters of limited intelligence are typically Chaotic Evil.

According to the Complete Scoundrel sourcebook, Carl Denham from King Kong and Riddick from Pitch Black are Chaotic Evil.[7] The exemplars of chaotic evil are the Tanar'ri (Demons).

Variants

In addition, there are also blended or "tendency" alignments (and relative Outer Realms) that exist between the basic nine, bringing the total of alignment combinations up to seventeen. These include Neutral Good with either Lawful or Chaotic tendencies, Lawful Neutral with either Good or Evil tendencies, Chaotic Neutral with either Good or Evil tendencies, and Neutral Evil with either Lawful or Chaotic tendencies.

In some campaigns, there are even neutral with tendencies towards one of the four cores of good, evil, law, and chaos (totaling the maximum possibilities to twenty-one), although there are rarely respective Outer Planes tied to these.


I have a theory, that whenever he says something remotely intelligent, God takes his next statement and fucks it up completely to compensate."

"This is my rifle. There are many like it, but this one is mine. My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I master my life. My rifle, without me, is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless. I must fire my rifle true. I must shoot straighter than any enemy who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me.

My rifle and myself know that what counts in this war is not the rounds we fire, the noise of our burst, nor the smoke we make. We know that it is the hits that count.

My rifle is human, even as I, because it is my life. Thus, I will learn it as a brother. I will learn its weakness, its strength, its parts, its accessories, its sights and its barrel. I will keep my rifle clean and ready, even as I am clean and ready. We will become part of each other.

Before God I swear this creed! My rifle and myself are the defenders of my country! We are the masters of our enemy! We are the saviors of my life! So be it, until victory is ours and there is no enemy, but Peace!"

"Through their arrogance, they cost the life of one of their own. When one turns ones back on those that they are supposed to protect, there is reason for Ire… When their actions and inactions lead to pain, there is cause for Wrath…" "And when their actions and inactions lead to death, there is cause for Vengeance."

"Men are the type that speak through actions rather than words. If they're going to suffer, they want to avoid making other people support them as much as possible; and they don't want other people worry about them either. That's why they won't say anything."

People preach about life being a beautiful thing, but they all seem to forget to mention that there are some seriously miserable sons of bitches out there, yours truly included.'

“Honor, Tradition… I have no need for such petty things. In the line between life and death, manners are the least that I need."

I've discovered the soldier's terrible secret: that to defend his home, he becomes estranged from it; in defending his values, he must contravene them; in defending civilized peace, he must immerse himself in uncivilized violence. I have become the monster I once fought so hard to protect you from.

'Idealism is mere wishful thinking… But realism alone will never get you far either.'


"Now pay attention, because this is probably the most important thing you'll learn in this class. I'm about to tell you the ultimate secret of magic—and that's that any cunt can do it. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. The wizarding world has been taken over by a bunch of fuck-ups and arrogant bastards, all positive that their ability to wave a poncy little wand and say a few words makes them Merlin Incarnate and superior to everyone else on this godforsaken planet. Their noses are so far up each other's arses that they're blind to the truth—that any bloke or bird right off the London street can do anything they can do. All it takes is a little bit of knowledge and a whole lot of will, then abracadabra, hocus bloody pocus—you've got magic."


"To the man living for an ambition, the only thing more terrible than failing that ambition is succeeding in it. Not only because he no longer knows what to live for, but because often, the ambition turns out not to be as fulfilling as he had hoped." "Some people, in an effort to solve this dilemma, would tell you that the goal is not as important as the struggle to get there. They are, of course, wrong. But the point stands that living for oneself, or even for a temporary goal is a limited vision. One must always seek to be a servant, a pawn, of something higher than oneself to be content."


KISS: Keep It Simple Stupid


Attention all Evil Overlord List Aspirants: Contrary to popular belief, taking over the universe is not as easy as it would first appear. Due to the complexity of this task, Peter regrets that he is currently unable to give the list the attention it deserves. The list is therefore going on a temporary hiatus. This is a temporary condition. As soon as he is able to respond in a timely manner -- or until he becomes unquestioned lord and master of all things, whichever comes first -- the list will not be updated and no new suggestions will be considered. He would sincerely apologize for this inconvenience, were it in character for an Evil Overlord to do so.


Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.


Remember the stories he'd tell us about the three Chinamen playing fan tan? Someone runs up to them and says, 'Hey, the world is coming to an end!' And the first one says, 'Well, I best go to the mission and pray.' And the second one says, 'Well hell, I'm going to buy a case of mesquale and six whores.' And the third one says, 'Well I shall finish the game.' I shall finish the game, Doc."

Billy the Kid

Young Guns II

They still don't grasp how completely illogical humans can be when worked up. Humans don't act logically when struck down. We'll go down in flames if only to give one last 'FUCK YOU' to the universe.

You know, I'm starting to think that the Great Old Ones, Eldrich Abominations, and Things that Shall Not Be Named are not some inhuman physical manifestation of rip and tear and tentacles and whatnot... But that they're so cute that the human mind just can't handle contemplating something that powerful to be so pleasant to look at. That the universe is a place filled, not with cosmic horrors, but sickening cuteness so disgustingly sugar-coated that we covered it up with blood and guts and tentacles just to keep from having epileptic seizures.

What's a few altered timelines? When you've run through these stories all the way to their ends, what happens after? Ultimately, in the end, the universe just does not care about the story going one way or another. If it concerns you so much, just worry about making sure you don't kill any planets. It is perfectly acceptable to screw around with timelines and be completely moral about it. Ruining a timeline so that person X is never born does not make you a murderer. Otherwise, everyone would be guilty of murder because of all the timelines that never were. Just be true to your moral standings in the linear sense."

"There are times when the end justifies the means. But when you build an argument based on a whole series of such times, you may find that you've constructed an entire philosophy of evil."

"When in doubt, blow it to hell."

Duct Tape is like the force. It has a Light side a Dark side and it binds the universe together.

"Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."


Anti life Equation

loneliness alienation fear despair self-worth mockery condemnation misunderstanding x guilt x shame x failure x judgment n=y where y=hope and n=folly, love=lies, life=death, self=dark side


"Indeed, for we sell forbidden objects from where men fear to tread. We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call frogurt!"

"Uh… Is the TV one of the forbidden objects?"

"Who knows? I'm also a seller of bargain electronics. But if you do take it, beware. It may carry a terrible curse."

"Uh, I won't then, that's bad."

"But it comes with a free frogurt!"

"Well, that's good…"

"The frogurt is definitely cursed."

"That's bad."

"But you get your choice of toppings!"

"That's good!"

"The toppings contain potassium benzoate."

"That's bad, by the way."

"I'm leaving."


Dearly beloved…we gather here to say our goodbyes. Here he lies…

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate and teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Panadol, sun lotion or a sticky plaster to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar can sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.


"Opportunity knocks, coincidence breaks down the door." -Can't remember the source for this one

"Kill one to warn a hundred" -Chinese proverb

"Things can't possibly get worse." -World's stupidest thing to say in a bad situation

"When in doubt, burn it." -Adventuring common sense

"Orphans. I f@#king hate orphans!" -Vlad, Champion of Death, Forgotten Realms adventuring campaign (Which I don't own)

"Dude. Your necromancer just got killed by a little girl with a rake. After he got away from the angry mob." -One Dungeons and Dragons player to another (Don't own that)

"That's BS. Spontaneous real-life musical do too happen. Hell, it happened just last week. I think we sang 'What Can You do With a Drunken Sailor." -Said inside the Urban Vikings Gaming Center (My friend owns that one, the center not the song)

"Do I even want to know why hes under the table?" -Jerry Hall, owner of the Urban Vikings Gaming Center

"RUN!!" -Shouted in panic at every Fourth of July fireworks display I've ever worked on

"Two people can keep a secret if one of them is dead." -Folklore advice

"Good. Bad. I'm the guy with the gun." -Ash, Army of Darkness

"Money is the root of all evil and man needs roots." -Fortune cookie

"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trapdoor." -Paul Beatly

"Its not overkill, its making d@&n sure." -Cannot recall the source for this one

"In the Grinder of War, 'Team' is just 'Meat' mislabeled" -Unknown

"Eh. Slave labor; you get what you pay for." -Lisa Simpson

"Though I walk through the Shadow of the Valley of Death I will fear no evil, fore I am the Baddest motherfu@&er in the Valley." -JMD-009's fanfic 'Divided We Stand'

"I'm not a pyromaniac, I'm a pyromancer. See, I've got the T-shirt to prove it!" -Me explaining why I bought 600 plus dollars worth of fireworks and cannon wick

"I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every moment of it!" -A t-shirt

"Is it finally dead?" "That depends on what you mean by dead. Dead as in you killed it or dead as in its gonna to actually stay dead." -Don't ask...just, don't ask

"I could never be a racist; stupidity knows no bounds, wether it be race, religion, or border." -Me

"You'd never think you would end up hating free money til the day you try to spend that 100 bill your uncle gave you, which turns out counterfeit...in front of a cop." -Name withheld

"Love is like an elite sniper; if it missed you either got blessed by Lady Luck or some sick son of bi( is trying to play a game with you." -A thought at 3am

"You know you've been a bastard when any of the following sends your friends running; err run, ignite, wick, detonate, just a teensy tiny, Spades, area of effect, and oops!" -Why no one lets me hold the bomb

"You've gone to a sick place when you call a lynching a party with a still-kicking pinata." -Me, in response to a friends comment

"War is an ugly, often necessary Art that does horrible things to those that Master its intricacies." -A thought

"Whoo! Absinthe and rum and I feel good now that my eyes stopped watering! Hey, where'd I'd leave my chair...chair?" -Me at a friends birthday party, 'grin' I had fun

"He on fire?" "Looks like. There it went, guess he didn't get much gas on himself. Beer me." -Overheard at same party while trying to play drunk euchre

"The problem with thin lines is that the thinner the line the deeper it ends up cutting you when you slip." -I had this thought while watching a movie after being awake for over 48 hours

"My little friend here wants a drinky drink! Bwa-hahahaha!" -Louie, from the anime Rune Soldier

"If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit!" -A bumper sticker I liked

"My soul is weary and my spirit dim; but a razor's blade still lurks within me. My death comes on swift wings but I shall not fly alone." -Vaguely remembered quote from a old book

"The difference between ignorance and stupidity is exposure to a subject; too bad you're both." -Too much/little as a villainous taunt?

"The leading cause of death; second hand stupidity." -Merrill of Rune Soldier

"I can picture in my mind's eye a world without war, a world without hate, and I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it"- Jack Handy

"The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese." -Another t-shirt

"As a very wise man once said, there's no such thing as 'overkill,' only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload.'" -The Nighthawk Chronicles, by fanfic author Cyclone

"A clever man holds his tongue when others think him a fool instead of opening his mouth and removing all doubt." -I can't remember where this one came from, high school reading I think

"Everyone uses the chess metaphor for manipulating people but it's so bland, unoriginal, so...inaccurate. A man, no matter how well you know him, does not ALWAYS act as you think. Manipulation is more like being a coach for a professional sports team. You sit on the sidelines with your book of power plays and strategy's, whispering into a microphone to make your players do what you want them to while trying to confuse your rival coach. But despite all your tactical brilliance every now and then some moron does something completely foolish and random and the next thing you know you're hoping up and down screaming in rage at the SNAFU forming on the field while the fans riot and bay for your blood. The Human will never allow itself to be ignored no matter how hard you try." -A thought that came to me, believe it or not, on the toilet.

"Genius is not having one good idea; even a pack of monkeys with typewriters eventually comes up with something! No, genius is having a portfolio of good ideas and being able to use them." -Chris Reynolds

"Why is it that evil villains are always surprised when they find out that their minions are stupid, incompetent, or foolishly treacherous? If they were smart enough to get things done on their own they would have become villains themselves!" -The first thing that came to mind when I saw yet another 'you're-all-useless-morons!' rant by a super-villain

"You're my brother. I love you and I'll post your bail, but you're the one who's going to have to explain this one to mom." -Me to my younger brother

"Damnit, Boots, I'm a doctor not a priest! Clear!!" -Doc, from Area 52 during a medical emergency

"Ok, that was two mistakes; yours and mine." -Archangel, of the X-men cartoon series.

"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." -Lily Tomlin

"If I have to go to jail for protecting the virtue of my daughter, it will be for something so gory, abominable, and atrocious, they reinstate the death penalty." -Enter the Dragon, by Doghead Thirteen

“I believe there is someone out there for everybody, and sometimes there’s two. That’s what I call hitting the jackpot.” -Jiriaya, Naruto: Demon's Path, by Scribe of the Apocalypse

"The question isn't why is he running; the real question is, should you?" -I do not recall where I heard this one

"Talent knows what to do; tact knows when and how to do it." -A fortune cookie I liked

"There are three rules for writing a novel; unfortunately, no one knows what they are." -Somerset Maugham

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." -C.G. Jung

"We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent than the machinations of the wicked." -I saw this and immediately thought of the popular FF.Net concept of an 'Evil Dumbledore'; he's just senile!

"The more laws and order are made prominent, the more thieves and robbers there will be." -Lao Tzu; I can't decide just how accurate this one is

"Heaven has no rage like Love to Hatred turned, Nor Hell a Fury like a woman scorned." -William Congreve

"Into the breach, meat-bags. Or not. Ehh, whatever." -Bender, of Futurama

"I can always tell when you've been drinking. You start getting touchy-feelly and huggy. Your drunk when you start lifting people the ground when you hug them." -My buddy Wesley to me.

"Never trust anything you can eat." -A draconian proverb

"I make it a point of fact to never piss off anyone who handles my health, my wealth, or my food; it's never worth it." -My response when asked my why I always use please and thank you at fast food places.

"Fate is Fickle, Destiny is Insane, and Karma is a Bitch. Shut up and get to work." -Itachi Uchiha, from the fanfic Aria of the Moonless Night by Hector Enix

"Close only counts in horseshoes and hand-grenades." -Who knows where this one came from.

"Enjoy life! It is better to be happy than wise." -Fortune cookie

"An optimist is one who makes the best of it when they get the worst of it." -Fortune cookie

"No guts no glory - No brakes!!" -Diggs, from Cats and Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore.

"Why don't you shut up before I slit your throat and watch the dust come out!" -Caretaker, the Longest Yard

"Who are you people, what are you people...who moved the rock?" -Police officer from Addams Family Values

A brunette walks in and asks him how much for the black dildo? He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one. She leaves without buying anything.
A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white dildo? He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. She doesn't buy anything.
A blond enters the store and asks him how much for a dildo? He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one.
She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him? He says, 'Oh that's a very special one, that's $250'. She buys it.
At closing, the manager walks in and asks the man how much he sold. The man said no dildos but I sold your thermos for $250.


Be a man.

Ask twenty people what it means to be a man and you'll get twenty different answers. It seems to constantly be evolving and changing, yet there is a constant to being a man. It isn't a matter of age; you only need to look around you to see this. Everyday you hear some story about a guy who thought he was being disrespected, so he shoots up a house or kills someone. That's not being a man, that's a boy pretending to be a man cause he has a gun.

It's always a struggle to become a man. The action heroes we see on the screen, kicking ass and taking names are some warped view of what a man is. The bluster and look at me attitude that seems so common today is just a sad attempt to convince others what you know in your heart isn't true.

There are many types of men and they come in all shapes and sizes. They all share fundamental traits though. Honor, not the kind you hear so much about on the battlefield, but a quiet sort, the honor of keeping your word. Most of the traits of a real man are like that, quiet and hardly noticed.

It's something only a man can teach another. That might not be fashionable to say these days, but it's as old as time. The young look to those around them for role models, for guidance on what it means to be a man or a woman. It's difficult enough for all of us, but if there are no men around a boy never learns to be a man. He will become something of a caricature of what he sees presented to him in the media or music or culture of what it means to be a man.


History is a convoluted – and yes, dynamic – subject. Trying to track the movements and decisions of hundreds of thousands of powerful yet irrational human beings, each convinced that their way of doing things is logical and correct, is a daunting task full of mysteries since so many of their choices make no sense to us today. In some cases this is because we lack information, in others it is because values have changed between one culture and time and another, and in still others it is because those we study were completely insane.


Tom Clancy, perhaps, said it best – "The difference between fiction and nonfiction is that fiction has to make sense."


The idea of mortal combat having certain rules is an old one, and with some exceptions it has been mostly abandoned in the modern era. The concept of honorable combat meant different things to different people and cultures – in some cases combat wasn't 'honorable' unless you gave your opponent the maximum chance to win! What part of that wasn't eliminated in the 1800's was probably finished off by the Cold War. Really, it's hard to claim a moral high ground when your weapon of choice is nuclear warheads.

On a more personal level, most martial arts masters today agree that there is no such thing as dishonorable combat. Many of the great masters said, for instance, that attacking the eyes, groin, etc. was a great way to win a fight, and that rules preventing such things only belong in tournaments. While it may not make you very popular, the one who fights dirty will win more often than the one who doesn't.


And as the saying goes, all's fair in love and war.


A great many people have told me that sharing viewpoints and feelings leads to peace, safety, happiness, and stability, and you know what? They're dead."


I'm SKINNY, so I MUST be anorexic.
I'm EMO, so I MUST cut my wrists.
I'm a NEGRO so I MUST carry a gun.
I'm BLOND, so I MUST be a ditz
I'm JAMAICAN so I MUST smoke weed.
I'm HAITIAN so I MUST eat cat.
I'm ASIAN, so I MUST be sexy.
I'm JEWISH, so I MUST be greedy.
I'm GAY, so I MUST have AIDS.
I'm a LESBIAN, so I MUST have a sex-tape.
I'm ARAB, so I MUST be a terrorist.
I SPEAK MY MIND, so I MUST be a bitch.
I'm a GAY RIGHTS SUPPORTER, so I WILL go to hell.
I'm a CHRISTAN, so I MUST think gay people should go to hell.
I'm RELIGIOUS, so I MUST shove my beliefs down your throat
.
I'm ATHEIST so I MUST hate the world.
I don't have a RELIGION, so I MUST be evil and have no morals
I'm REPUBLICAN, so I MUST not care about poor people.
I'm DEMOCRAT, so I MUST not believe in being responsible.
I am LIBERAL, so I MUST be gay.
I'm SOUTHERN, so I MUST be white trash.
I TAKE (or used to take) ANTI-DEPRESSANTS, so I MUST be crazy.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST only want to get into your pants.
I'm IRISH, so I MUST have a bad drinking problem.
I'm INDIAN, so I MUST own a convenient store.
I'm NATIVE AMERICAN, so I MUST dance around a fire screaming like a savage.
I'm a CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be a whore...
I'm a DANCER, So I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore
I wear SKIRTS a lot, so I MUST be a slut.
I'm a PUNK, so I MUST do drugs.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob.
I WEAR BLACK, so I MUST be a goth or emo.
I'm a WHITE GIRL, so I MUST be a nagging, steal-your-money kind of girlfriend.

I'm CUBAN, so I MUST spend my spare time rolling cigars.
I'm NOT A VIRGIN, so I MUST be easy.
I FELL IN LOVE WITH A MARRIED MAN, so I MUST be a home-wrecking whore.
I'm a TEENAGE MOM, so I MUST be an irresponsible slut.
I'm POLISH, so I MUST wear my socks with my sandals
I'm ITALIAN, so I must have a "big one".
I'm EGYPTIAN, so I must be a TERRORIST!!
I'm PRETTY, so I MUST not be a virgin.
I HAVE STRAIGHT A'S, so I MUST have no social life.
I DYE MY HAIR CRAZY COLORS, so I MUST be looking for attention.
I DRESS IN UNUSUAL WAYS so I MUST be looking for attention.
I'm INTO THEATER & ART, so I MUST be a homosexual.

I'm a VEGETARIAN, so I MUST be a crazy political activist.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GUY FRIENDS, so I MUST be fucking them all.
I HAVE A BUNCH OF GIRLS WHO ARE FRIENDS, so I MUST be a player.
I have Big BOOBS, so I MUST be a hoe.
I'm COLOMBIAN, so I MUST be a drug dealer.
I WEAR WHAT I WANT, so I MUST be a poser
I'm RUSSIAN, so I MUST be cool and thats how Russians roll.
I'm GERMAN, so I must be a Nazi.
I hang out with GAYS, so i must be GAY TOO
I'm BRAZILIAN, so I MUST have a BIG BUTT.
I'm PUERTO RICAN, so I MUST look good and be conceited
I'm SALVADORIAN, so I MUST be in MS 13
I'm POLISH, so I MUST be greedy
I'm HAWAIIAN so I MUST be lazy
I'm PERUVIAN, so I MUST like llamas
I'm a STONER so I MUST be going in the wrong direction
I'm a VIRGIN so I MUST be prude
I'm STRAIGHT EDGE so I must be violent.
I'm a FEMALE GAMER, so I MUST be ugly.. or crazy.
I'm BLACK so I MUST love fried chicken and kool-aid.
I'm a GIRL who actually EATS LUNCH, so I MUST be fat.
I'm SINGLE so I MUST be ugly.

I'm a SKATER so I must do weed and steal stuff
I'm a PUNK so I must only wear black and date only other punks
I'm ASIAN so I must be a NERD that does HOMEWORK 24/7
I'm CHRISTIAN so I MUST hate homosexuals.
I'm MIXED so I must be screwed up.
I'm MUSLIM so I MUST be a terrorist.
I'm in BAND, so I MUST be a dork.
I'm BLACK so I MUST believe JESUS WUZ A BROTHA
I'm MORMON so I MUST be perfect
I'm WHITE and have black friends so I MUST think I'm black
I'm GOTH so I MUST worship the devil (So I’ve been told)
I'm HISPANIC, so I MUST be dirty.
I'm NOT LIKE EVERYONE ELSE, so I MUST be a loser.
I'm OVERWEIGHT, so I MUST have a problem with self control.
I'm PREPPY, so I MUST shun those who don't wear Abercrombie & Hollister.
I'm on a DANCE team, so I must be stupid, stuck up, and a whore.
I'm YOUNG, so I MUST be naive.
I'm RICH, so I MUST be a conceited snob
I'm MEXICAN, so I MUST have hopped the border.
I GOT A CAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY, so I MUST be a spoiled brat.
I'm BLACK, so I MUST love watermelon
I'm BI, so I MUST think every person I see is hot.
I'm an ASIAN GUY, so I MUST have a small penis.
I'm a GUY CHEERLEADER, so I MUST be gay.
I'm a PREP, so I MUST be rich.
I don't like the SUN so I MUST be an albino.
I have a lot of FRIENDS, so I MUST love to drink and party.

I wear tight PANTS and I'm a guy, so I MUST be emo.
I couldn't hurt a FLY, So I MUST be a pussy.
I support GAY RIGHTS, so I MUST fit in with everyone.
I hang out with teenage drinkers and smokers, so I MUST smoke and drink too.
I have ARTISTIC TALENT, so I MUST think little of those who don't.
I don't like to be in a BIG GROUP, so I MUST be anti-social.
I have a DIFFERENT sense of HUMOR, so I MUST be crazy.

I tell people OFF, so I MUST be an over controlling bitch.
My hair gets GREASY a lot, so I MUST have no hygiene skills.
I'm DEFENSIVE, so I MUST be over controlling and a bitch.

I'm a NUDIST, so I MUST want everyone to see my boobs.
I read Comics, so I MUST be a loser.
I hang out with a FORMER PROSTITUTE.. So I MUST be a whore myself.
I'm TEXAN so I MUST ride a horse
I’m a GOTH, so I MUST be a Satanist
I’m a CROSS DRESSER, so I must be homosexual.
I draw ANIME so I MUST be a freak.
I am a FANGIRL so I MUST be a crazy, obsessed stalker.

I WATCH PORN so I MUST be perverted.
I'm an ONLY CHILD so I MUST be spoiled.
I'm INTELLIGENT so I MUST be weak
I am AMERICAN so I MUST be obese, loud-mouthed and arrogant.

I'm WELSH so I MUST love sheep
I’m a YOUNG WRITER, so I MUST be emo
I’m CANADIAN, so I MUST talk with a funny accent.
I'm a GUY, so I MUST ditch my pregnant girlfriend.
I'm CANADIAN, so I MUST love hockey and beavers.
I'm DISABLED, so I MUST be on Welfare.
I'm a FEMINIST, so I MUST have a problem with sexuality and I want to castrate every man on the earth.
I'm a TEENAGER, so I MUST have a STEREOTYPE.
I WEAR A BIG SUNHAT when I go outside, so I MUST be stupid.
I like BLOOD, so I must be a VAMPIRE.
I'm an ALBINO, so I MUST be an evil person with mental abilities and is A MURDERER!
I'm ENGLISH, so I MUST speak with either a cockney or a posh accent, love tea and cricket, and have bad teeth.
I’m WHITE, so I MUST be responsible for everything going wrong on the planet: past, present, and future.
I don't like YAOI or YURI, so I must be a HOMOPHOBE
I’m not the most POPULAR person in school, so I MUST be a loser
I care about the ENVIRONMENT...I MUST be a tree hugging hippy

I have a FAN CHARACTER, so I MUST be an annoying Mary-sue.
I CHAT, I MUST be having cyber sex.
I'm PAGAN so I MUST sacrifice babies and drink the blood of virgins
I'm PAGAN so I MUST worship Satan
I'm CONSERVATIVE, so I MUST be against Abortion
I'm SWEDISH so I MUST be a tall blond blue-eyed lesbian.
I'm a LESBIAN so I MUST want to get with every single girl that I see.
I like CARTOONS, so I MUST be IRRESPONSIBLE.
I like READING, so I MUST be a LONER.

I have my OWN spiritual ideology; therefore I MUST be WRONG or MISGUIDED
I am WICCAN, so I MUST be a SATANIST.
I DISAGREE with my government, so I MUST be a TERRORIST.
I am a WITCH, so I MUST be an OLD HAG and fly on a broomstick.
I love YAOI, so I MUST be GAY.
I'm a PERSON, so I MUST be LABELED
I DON'T CURSE, so I MUST be an outcast
I like GAMES, ANIME and COMICS, so I MUST be childish

I'm SWEDISH, therefore I MUST be WHITE.
I SPOT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS, so I MUST be a pedantic bastard
I'm GOTHIC, so I MUST be mean.
I’m STRONG so I MUST be stupid.
I'm Australian so I MUST hunt crocodiles and talk to kangaroo’s
I’m GAY so I’m after EVERY straight guy around.
I don’t want a BOYFRIEND so I MUST be Lesbian.
I'm NOT CHRISTIAN so I MUST just need converting
I love marching band, so I MUST be a friendless freak.
I DRINK and SMOKE, so I MUST have no life.
I write Fanfics, so I MUST be a freak


First they came for the communists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a communist;
Then they came for the trade unionists, and I did not speak out—because I was not a trade unionist;
Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—because I was not a Jew;
Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak out for me."


"I know how much you enjoy having the chance to fight. But…"

"But what, Master?"

"But is it really necessary to repeatedly stab the limbless screaming monster?"

"Necessary? No. Am I going to stop? Also, no."


"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall in an open sewer and die.

Mel Brooks


"I tripped a kid yesterday and he fell in the mud. It was hilarious."

Calvin, Calvin And Hobbes


In all role-playing games, advancement in experience and levels is broken down in two basic ways. You can either go questing or go grinding.

If you go questing, you undertake missions from various clients who will reward you with both experience and money should you succeed. The problem with this method is that you are too early in the game to undertake any major quests and the few quests in between are simple ones like 'catch that cat' or 'clean my windows'. Overall, these quests were made to familiarize you to the area and its citizens. Another problem with this method is that you will be working for people you would rather not work with. For example, you remember when in the first time around you had already achieved badass status, yet you are still given quests to mow a civilian's lawn. Frankly, you would just give these NPC's the finger and leave.

The other method, grinding, is why you are where you are right now. Grinding is a gamers' jargon for repeatedly doing an action, usually killing lower level generic units that give experience points, to achieve higher levels. This repeated action was a bane (read: bore) for many gamers during the earlier eras of gaming, but with the recent advancements in virtual technology, it was no longer.


If there's one human alone, they're a saint. If there are two, they're lovers. And if there's a third, well, one of them will kill the other.


"It really is a foolish thing, war, to fight and die for the ideals and ambitions of the select few who manage to lie and cheat and steal till they can stand above others and order them as they will."

Then why are you willing to do it,?"

"It's not for them. In the end, we're all going to die. But if I die first, then I can keep how many of them alive for just a bit longer?"

"That's not saving, that's protecting. There's a difference,"


To speak in battle is a sin


"In the end, the woman had a choice, "She could kill the man like all the others whom had been responsible, or she could spare him for saving her, and then spending the rest of his life trying to atone for the crime he had committed unaware." "She made a choice. The opinion I want from you, was which one she should have taken."

"What a stupid question," "That woman was that woman, just like I and me. Right answers, wrong answers, what is just and what is evil. Those are the foolish woolgathering of useless naïve poets." "In the end, the woman would simply look at her life, look over her options, and choose the one that is right for her. Even if later, time and new information would cause her to think that she had made the wrong one, at that moment, and with all she knew at the time, she would have made the best one for her. Even if she should think it the wrong one later, at least she should know that at the time she made it for the right reasons."


It's a side effect of being a woman. And maybe a bit of their being nobles as well,""They don't even realize that they're being cruel by diminishing my actions by transferring them onto Louise. Women do that a lot too."

"You see," it's due to this emotional instability that sometimes women can often do callous and cruel things. Naturally, as a member of the more stable gender, it's my duty to act stoic and to ignore their occasional accidental heartlessness."

"So men don't on occasion do heartless things as well?"

"No, we do heartless things too. It's just that we do them on purpose." "For instance, a woman might do something silly like try to take advantage of a heartfelt reunion between comrades who had been separated through a tragic incident to stir up trouble against one of the comrades by pretending as though she had been having sex with said comrade, resulting in the member of the reunion being blasted with magic and hit in the head with a frying pan." "A man on the other hand, would take advantage of the fact that someone else can't really respond do to the other person's situation, and then start making fun of them ruthlessly."


"I've decided on a course of action."

"I've decided that I shall slaughter the innocent,"

"I shall murder all who stand in my way, sparing none, until my name is synonymous with fear itself, thus cementing my status as an Anti-Hero," "Then, once my reign of terror is finally ended, I shall wait patiently at the Throne of Heroes for however how long it takes until one of the infinite realities that exist that still performs the ritual of the Holy Grail War summons me forth. Then, I shall resume killing all around me until my blood stained hands hold the Holy Grail itself. Once I have the all powerful artifact, I shall use it to force the Root of the World, the well spring of all creation, to assume a human male form in my presence." "And then I'm going to kick it in the balls so hard that all of reality will simultaneously feel it."


Tell me and I will forget. Show me and I may remember. Involve me and I will understand


"Here, the sensitive strains of the impressionistic music combined with the subtle artistry of the animator will finally answer that age-old question; 'What is man's relationship with nature?'-- Oh, sorry. That age-old question; 'What would happen if you gave a yo-yo to a flock of flamingos?!'... Who wrote this?" -- James Earl Jones from Fantasia 2000


"The first kind of heros are the ones you know doubt now about, the ones who perform great acts of nobility, and perform their goals while remaining above reproach, the kind who inspires others for generations to come with their purity." "The other kinds of heroes are called the anti-heroes. They're ones who also accomplish goals, and may even save thousands with their actions, but in the end the actions themselves are bloodstained and most often dishonest or just plain unforgiveable."


"Light thinks that it travels faster than anything, but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds that the darkness has gotten there first, and is always waiting for it."- Terry Pratchett


"The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements: energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." -Ambassador G'kar

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Bill Cosby


In umbris potestas est is a Latin phrase meaning "In the shadows, there is power".


"One cannot have power of that magnitude and still think and perceive the universe as we do."

―Kreia, Star Wars- Knights of the Old Republic 2; The Sith Lords


Here is a little mathematical logic:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about
those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to
those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about
achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these
questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8118423151811 = 98%*

and

K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11141523125475*
*= 96%

But *

A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
120209202145 = 100%

And,

B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2211212198920 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1191911919199147
= 118%


So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While* Hard work* and
*Knowledge will get you close, and *Attitude*will get you there, its the *
*Bullshit* and *Ass kissing* that will put you over the top.


You know you’re an obsessed Babylon 5 fan when…

1. You think Chekhov was really Bester doing an undercover spy mission.

2. You go around asking everyone "What do you want?”…and run away panicking when someone says “Who are you?” (or vice versa).

3. You wonder what the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy says about the Shadows.
...you're sure that its entry for Z’ha’dum is "Mostly Harmful".

4. You look up the last name 'Morden' in your local phone book... and when you find one, you call him up and ask him to have his ‘associates’ pay a visit to the TNT. executive who decided to cancel the funding for Crusade... and then you start reading obituaries, hoping to see news that a TNT. exec died under mysterious circumstances.

5. You start wondering when Scully and Mulder will capture a Shadow.

6. You use a short sword to kill cockroaches.

7. You could swear for a second that the comment on your test says "Mathematics not Zathras skill".

8. You wonder why words like "Minbari" and "Z’ha’dum" aren't in your spell checker.

9. Your spell checker actually recognizes words like "Minbari" and "Z’ha’dum".

10 You flunk your history final because you list the sixteenth US President as being Abrahamo Linconi.

11. You wear a T-shirt that says "My boy/girlfriend went to Z'ha'dum, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

12. Your daily schedule always ends with: Watch a Babylon 5 tape/DVD.

13. The B5 universe is more real to you than the real world.

14. Your cat lays on you in the middle of the night and you wake up screaming, mistaking your cat for a Keeper.

15. You can't sit through a slide-presentation on squids and other bizarre aquatic creatures without screaming out "VORLON!"
... everyone is much relieved when the class moves on to another subject until the next slide - a large black spider...





Anybody who's seen the Dogfights episode Long Odds can talk about the scouting mission by Old 666, which a squadron of Japanese planes painfully discovered was heavily customized by their crew into probably the most well-armed aircraft of the war. To clarify, "Old 666" was a B-17E bomber, serial number 12666. It was believed to be a cursed bomber due to it coming back from every mission with horrific battle damage. It was left at the end of a runway for spare parts. One crew, under Captain Jay Zeamer, needed a bomber, and Old 666 was the only one available. So, the crew took her, fixed her up, and loaded her with more (and bigger) guns than a normal B-17, replacing her usual loadout of .30cals to .50cals and raising her gun count from 13 to 19. During the mission, the Japanese planes attacked what they thought was the defenseless nose, until the custom front station smashed three Zeroes. The bomber continued to fight off a swarm of no less than 15 Japanese fighters by itself for an hour. The bomber suffered extreme damage again, with most, if not all of the crew, wounded (and one dead), but managed to land mostly intact.

Therefore, not even Satan can ignore the effects of More Dakka.


"You are a man haunted by the two most terrible words in existence; What... If...."
-the Time Machine


The other thing that made the Polish awesome? Even their pets fought. In the battle of Monte Cassino, one of the artillery supply units was aided by a Syrian Brown Bear they'd raised from a cub. Wojtek, known as the "Soldier Bear" became so popular and so well liked among the soldiers for his personality and efficiency in moving crates of ammunition that his unit's badge was changed to a bear carrying an artillery shell. Wojtek smoked cigarettes, drank beer from the bottle, wrestled with the men and retired to Edinburgh Zoo after the war.According to one story, Wojek (who was fond of steam baths) entered the bathhouse at his unit's base one day and found a spy. Recognizing him as a threat, Wojek punched out the spy. Can you imagine what must have gone through the spy's head on being uncovered by a bear?This troper suspects that it was a combination of the words 'bear', 'fucking', 'God', 'My', 'Oh', 'I'm', 'punched', 'about', 'by', 'to' and 'be'.Alternatively, "Everythings Worse With Bears!" as he ran like hell.Somehow, I think it may have simply been Oh Crap.This troper's grandfather was among the Polish troops at Monte Cassino and he's damn proud.Really, all that needed to be said for this to be a CMoA was "The Polish troops at Monte Cassino had a bear as a pet. This bear punched a spy."


Marine Corporal Alvin York. During WWI, his unit was sent to capture a German railroad, when they came under fire from dozens of hidden German machine gun nests. With half the squad dead and the other half cowering, York stood alone with his rifle and took concentrated fire from thirty-two machine gunners and over 100 German riflemen and didn't. Receive. A scratch.He fired back, killing 28 Germans, and according to his account he didn't even miss.

York: I jes couldn't miss a German's head or body at that distance. And I didn't. Besides, it weren't no time to miss nohow.

The Germans, slowly realizing that York was somehow not dying from the hurricane of lead they were firing at him, sent a six-man squad to rush him. Since he had only a few shots left in his rifle, York drew his pistol and shot them all down, back to front, so the ones in front wouldn't notice the others dying until too late. Shortly after, he accepted an offer of surrender from the German major present and marched all 130 or so remaining soldiers back to his base as prisoners (surviving several false surrender gambits including brushing off a hand grenade attack from one such, as well as heavy artillery fire all the while he was escorting the captured soldiers), after having had tens or hundreds of thousands of bullets from scores of heavy machine guns and rifles fired at him without leaving a mark on his body. Not enough gun,it seems.

York: So I am a witness to the fact that God did help me out of that hard battle; for the bushes were shot up all around me and I never got a scratch.

Jose M. Lopez. It is commonly accepted wisdom that the M stands for Motherfucking. Just ask the Nazis. The scene was the Battle of the Bulge, 1944, during World War II. Lopez's story is actually rather similar to that of Alvin York, except Lopez did suffer a few scratches. Only a few. Oh, and Lopez also took on a Tank which was firing shells directly at him(many striking close enough to bowl him over repeatedly...that's where his scratches came from) in addition to endless waves of Nazi soldiers. Oh, and his final kill count was estimated to be just over a hundred men he singlehandedly mowed down, saving his entire company from being over-run. Oh, and he did all this while running back and forth to different sides of the battlefield with his 30 pound machine gun everytime they were about to be outflanked, then singlehandedly pushing the tide of Nazis back. Oh, and he never had any cover that protected him above the waist. Now you see why the M stands for Motherfucking? The above two events were amazing.

The following is unbelievable: Pavlov's House. A small group of Russians, was sent to capture a small, rundown house. Only 4 survived the battle. They fortified the position with barbed wire, mines, mounted machine guns, and a trench to the back lines, and waited for the German counterattack. Russia had poor supplies, tactics, and communications; their entire battle plan was basically to rush the enemy and hope they wouldn't lose too many men. They repeatedly lost to smaller countries and was considered incompetent and backwards. Russia was the country that lost to Finland in a previous war, regardless of the fact that it was literally 1000 times as large. Germany was the country that captured entire countries in mere weeks. Obviously, Germany would easily capture this one little rundown house. Enter Sargent Pavlov. Even though the house never had more than 12 men defending it, it was the one place Germany could never capture. German soldiers were dying so often, that in-between battles Russian soldiers had to run out and knock over the dead bodies, otherwise the enemy would use the literal walls of corpses for cover. Pavlov found that enemy tanks couldn't aim very high, so he put an anti-tank rifle on the roof, and personally took down 12 tanks himself. After two months of fighting, with German forces regularly attacking the house day and night, major reinforcements came and Pavlov's house was secured by the Russian army. Some sources report Germany lost more men attempting to take over this one dinky little house than their entire campaign in France. The German army had it marked as a fortress on all of the maps. And Pavlov? He received every medal imaginable.


"Understanding is a three edged sword"
(Your side, their side and the truth)
-Vorlons


"The universe is already mad, anything else is just redundant"
-Londo Mollari


Amis: (after waking up in the brig) Oh, God. What did I do this time?
Michael Garibaldi: You don't remember?
Amis: Well, I've found that life is, in general, much easier if I forget most of the things that happen to me.
Garibaldi: You were about to accuse the Centauri ambassador of being in league with the devil…which may not be far from the truth.
-Babylon 5, the Long Dark


Londo awakes from a coma.)
Stephen Franklin: Are you okay? Londo, do you know where you are?
Londo: (looks around and sees his wives) Either in Medlab, or in Hell. Either way, the decor needs work.
-Babylon 5 , Soul Mates


(about John and Teyla's exchange)

Dr. Beckett: (wistfully) How come I never make friends like that?

Dr. McKay: You really need to get out more.

Dr. Beckett: We're in another galaxy. How much more out can you get?

-Stargate Atlantis, The Rising


"Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
-Terry Pratchett

Morituri Nolumus Mori" "Er...roughly speaking, it means, 'We who are about to die don't want to,' sir.""
-Rincewind, motto of the mission to stop the last hero


"War is an ugly thing, but it is not the ugliest of things. The decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling, which thinks that nothing is worth war, is much worse. The person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight, nothing which is more important than his own personal safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men than himself."

- John Stuart Mill


People say "stupid", but they really mean "disagree with me." Since nobody can comprehend that they might be wrong, they have to assume everyone who doesn't believe what they do must be an idiot or insane.- anonymous


“Its so much easier to see the world in black and white…. Gray? I don't know what to do with gray….” - Garrus Vakarian


"We are the most powerful military force in the history of man. Every fight is our fight, because what happens over here matters over there. We don't get to sit one out. Learning to use the tools of modern warfare is the difference between the prospering of your people, and utter destruction. We can't give you freedom. But we can give you the know-how to acquire it. And that, my friends, is worth more than a whole army base of steel. Sure it matters who's got the biggest stick, but it matters a helluva lot more who's swinging it. This is a time for heroes. A time for legends. History is written by the victors. Let's get to work." -Gen. Shepherd, Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.


"You keep what you kill."


Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes.
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while... oh, you were away...
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: [sounding a little sadder] My dog, Pongo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: [sounding a little more hopeful] My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[beat]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?


Screw The Rules, I'm Doing What's Right


"Lex iniusta non est lex: An unjust law is no law at all."

Augustine of Hippo


Yet nothing warms my heart so much as the sight of a gun so massive that its fury makes the very world tremble.

First Captain Lysander of the Imperial Fists, Warhammer 40000


"Do you think that you don't deserve to have someone give a shit about you because of the way your life turned out?"


"The Ku Klux Klan, LLC. has not or EVER will have ANY connection with The "Westboro Baptist Church". We absolutely repudiate their tactics."

Press release from the Ku Klux Klan's website, September 2003


The Gods of Chaos from Warhammer and Warhammer 40000 can be considered to be this. Technically they aren't necessarily evil (just chaotic), but seeing how they are mostly powered by negative emotions, have armies of daemons, followers that tend to enjoy burning, killing, raping and/or corrupting whatever they come across, and want to reduce the material universe into pure chaos, it's pretty safe to consider them evil.

C'Tan in 40, 000 have no other ambition than killing all form of life in the universe and eating its soul.

The best (worst) part about the evil, universe-destroying Gods of Chaos is their portfolio. Tzeentch is the god of change, ambition, and hope.

Likewise, Nurgle, the god of corruption and disease also happens to genuinely love his followers. Khorne, god of hatred, violence and bloodshed also happens to be the god of courage and honor, while Slaanesh, god(ess) of hedonism and decadence also happens to be the god(ess) of love and passion. There are some actions not even some of the chaos gods will stand for, like bringing the head of a defenseless opponent to Khorne, which is a certain way to get yourself killed, although not for a very noble reason. Khorne is, after all, the god of Ax Crazy Blood Knights.

There are, however, some fairly unambiguously evil gods in Warhammer, although there is generally some argument (in-universe and out) as to whether they are gods in their own right, or aspects of another (and occasionally, as to which other god they are an aspect of). Khaine (God of Murder, Assassins and Poisoners) is a case in point, with some claiming he is an aspect of Khorne as worshipped by the elves even to the point of claiming he's an elven blend of Khorne and Slaanesh, and the reason for the emnity of those two deities, while some say he's an aspect of Morr (God of Death, Dreams and Omens), and those who say Khaine is a god in his own right are split as to whether he's Morr's younger brother, or one of the children of Asuryan and Eldanesh Morr being a human god, while the others are part of the elven pantheon

. Stromfels (God of Storms, Pirates, Sharks and Wreckers) is in a similar, though less extreme position

being either an aspect of, or rebellious younger brother to Manann, God of the Sea

. The Horned Rat, though, is pretty a pretty straightforward evil god, complete with his own species of evil anthropomorphic rats to worship him.

Khaine is more of a Type V Anti-Hero in practice, his two most notable feats being fighting off the far more evil Ctan god The Nightbringer, and the Chaos god Slaanesh, though he lost to the latter and the former wounded him which ended up preventing the Eldar from reincarnating, ie. when they died, so now did their souls. So, he's a God of Evil who finds himself on the side of good. Or less evil.


"OK, I've just about had my FILL of riddle asking, quest assigning, insult throwing, pun hurling, hostage taking, iron mongering, smart arsed fools, freaks, and felons that continually test my will, mettle, strength, intelligence, and most of all, patience! If you've got a straight answer ANYWHERE in that bent little head of yours, I want to hear it pretty damn quick or I'm going to take a large blunt object roughly the size of Elminster AND his hat, and stuff it lengthwise into a crevice of your being so seldom seen that even the denizens of the nine hells themselves wouldn't touch it with a twenty-foot rusty halberd! Have I MADE myself perfectly CLEAR

The Player Character


Mal: Well, look at this! Appears we got here just in the nick of time. What does that make us?
Zoe: Big damn heroes, sir!
Mal: Ain't we just?


Mustrum: How's things in the godbothering business?

Hughnon: Not bad. How's the tinkering with things men was not meant to understand?

Mustrum: Pretty fair. Pretty fair.


Stories are important. People think that stories are shaped by people. In fact, it's the other way round. Stories... have evolved... The strongest have survived, and they have grown fat... Stories etch grooves deep enough for people to follow... A thousand wolves have eaten grandmother, a thousand princesses have been kissed... Stories don't care who takes part in them. All that matters is that the story gets told, that the story repeats.

Terry Pratchett in Witches Abroad, describing the Theory Of Narrative Causality


If you're wearing it, you're asking for it.


"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right."

Salvor Hardin, Foundation


Messenger: This is blasphemy! This is madness!

Leonidas: Madness?... This! Is! SPARTA!"

300


"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee!"


You got gyped


The Court of The Crimson King

The dance of the puppets
The rusted chains of prison moons
Are shattered by the sun
I walk a road, horizons change
The tournament's begun

The purple piper plays his tune
The choir softly sing
Three lullabies in an ancient tongue
For the court of the Crimson King

The keeper of the city keys
Put shutters on the dreams
I wait outside the pilgrim's door
With insufficient schemes

The black queen chants, the funeral march
The cracked brass bells will ring
To summon back the fire witch
To the court of the Crimson King

The gardener plants an evergreen
Whilst trampling on a flower
I chase the wind of a prism ship
To taste the sweet and sour

The pattern juggler lifts his hand
The orchestra begin
As slowly turns the grinding wheel
In the court of the Crimson King

On soft gray mornings widows cry
The wise men share a joke
I run to grasp divining signs
To satisfy the hoax

The yellow jester does not play
But gentle pulls the strings
And smiles as the puppets dance
In the court of the Crimson King


hostis humani generis or "enemy of all mankind"


Grossman: This is Les Grossman. Who is this?

Flaming Dragon: This is Flaming Dragon!

Grossman: Oh. Okay. Flaming Dragon. Fuckface. First, take a step back, and literally FUCK YOUR OWN FACE! *Beat* Now, I don't know what kind of Pan-Pacific bullshit power play you're trying to pull on me, but Asia, Jack, is my territory. So whatever you're thinking, you better think again! Otherwise I'm gonna have to head down there and I will rain down an ungodly fucking firestorm upon you! You're gonna have to call the fucking United Nations and get a fucking binding resolution to keep me from fucking destroying you. I'm talking about scorched Earth, motherfucker! I will massacre you! I WILL FUCK YOU UP!


Not every time. Not all the time. But in most cases, the following should serve as a guide on how not to fail at writing fanfiction in nearly any genre you care to tackle. Sure, there are always exceptions to the rule, but if you have to ask yourself if you're that exception, then you probably aren't and should defer to the advice below. For those who have stumbled across this before, I've edited this introduction to be a fraction more professional in nature and slightly less abrasive, but you can still blame my overuse of the word 'fail' on DCG. -Ozz

1) Your summary fails. It really does. This is the hook, your foot in the door. Avoid asking your readers questions here and avoid references to other parts of said fic. "What if Ranma fell into the world of Mario and saved the princess?" HE'LL EXPLODE INTO GOOEY CHUNKS AND SHOWER THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM WITH CRIMSON RAIN, DROWNING TURTLES AND PLUMBERS ALIKE IN A LAKE OF MARTIAL ARTS CARNAGE. Seriously, don't give your reader a chance to answer that question themselves. Next time you read a summary that's formed into a question, please remember the above reply. Secondly, such summaries impart no useful information to your audience. Likewise, "Continuing from part five, review my ass please" is similarly annoying. Hey genius, I didn't read part one. What's that about again? Convince me I should take the time to read chapter 1 before even considering part five. Be creative, give them a little bite of what to expect. Most entertaining is "I'm bad at summaries." The amount of fail in that statement could light Crystal Tokyo for a couple hundred years and encourages nobody to read your fic.

2) Your Grammar/Spelling fails.This is a direct indication of how much you care about your fic, and therefore how much we as readers should care about the fic. Every time you fail miserably at this, Chuck Norris kills a kitten. What's worse, you know you're failing and release the fic anyway. Don't cry when you get reamed by your reviewers. Why you aren't molesting the spell/grammar check function at a minimum is beyond me.

3) Your Plot Bludgeons fail.What is a plot bludgeon? You know, those pieces of information you impart on readers so obvious it hurts to read. An example of one I recently encountered-- Ukyo was really a flat chested man, unwraps himself to reveal that fact and say, "heheh, I can't believe I keep fooling them!" ...And i would have gotten away with it too if it hadn't been for those darn kids. Okay, so you want to get a point across to the reader. Great. But very rarely is there call to light your plot point up as a huge neon lit Las Vegas strip sign. Learn subtlety. Weave it naturally into the story. Ranma is a genius! Great, but tell me a story about it, not as an outright fact. Exceptions do exist, though most don't apply to you anyway.

4) Your obscure plot fails.Big rule... The more obscure/complex your plot is, the more it needs built up through detail and story telling. Likewise, the more important an event is in that plot, the more attention you need to pay it. Glossing over critical events is not allowed. Zap! Ranma is a female permanently now and feels suicidal. Huh? What? Ranma got mad and killed his father for all the injustices visited upon him. Whoa there, Tex. Might want to tell us what triggered that rampage or what led up to the critical events that you insist require only one sentence of explanation. If you have something weird going on, your readers might like to know some basic information... Like who, what, why, how, where, some history, motivations, etc...

5) Your Dialogue fails. This mainly pertains to the structuring of said dialogue, not the content. The Pope will visit you tonight and rape your keyboard if you ever post a page full of dialogue without framing and context again. Don't assume your reader knows who's talking. Tell them who is talking. If you're feeling frisky, tell them how that character feels when they're talking. maybe the expressions on their face. What they're doing. Dialogue is like a picture... It needs a frame if you're going to hang it on the wall properly. Of course, you could just nail it up there, but that's why you fail.

6) Your Shallow characters fail.Believe it or not, not everybody has read your favorite series. I KNOW! It's tough to swallow, but it's true. Take a moment to tell us a bit about their appearance. Detail their mannerisms though story telling. Sure, you can assume that if they're reading in a certain section they probably have at least basic knowledge of the series, but frankly that's a poor excuse not to embellish your characters with detail and depth. Sure, everybody knows who Optimus Prime is (did I just use him as an example? Yeck), but your story will fail less if you paint him in color instead of black and white.

7) Your short chapters fail. Hardcore. Mainly, because they give you very little space to impart critical plot and/or knowledge to the reader, forcing you to condense a lot of information into a short blurb. This normally leads to failures 2 through 6. Similarly, you drag out scenes that really should be combined into one flowing work. For example, watching Ranma wallow in angst for several short chapters while not really taking the story anywhere is not fun. It's like watching an episode of Dragonball Z once a week. It's excruciating.

8) Your derivative plot fails.Wheee! Ranma loses his memory after being locked as a female! Most readers are not opposed to this on average, but before you go thinking you're Stephen King, remember two things: He's dead, and assume it's been done before and buy a six pack of originality down at the corner 7-11. Your story/chapter needs a hook, no matter how good it is. Just because it has been done doesn't mean you shouldn't try your hand at it, but do your research on the competition before you just dive right in.

9) Your reviewers fail.Actually, no they don't. They're entitled to their opinion. Don't get defensive and don't argue with them because you're inherently insecure about your work. Self-confidence is required when facing your reviewers and actually debating their opinion on your work is bad taste. Honestly, why did you even bother posting in the first place? If you're writing for enjoyment, they shouldn't matter anyway. If you're writing to improve yourself, take notes. Nothing says insecurity and ass like a running review war. Yes, reviewers CAN be wrong, but so what? Arguing with them is a waste of your time anyway.

10) Your Alterverse fails.What do you get when you strip your main character of his canon personality, kill off all the supporting cast and send him off into another crossover series? You get one big bucket of suck. Any story where you can replace the main character with the name "Ed" and not know the difference automatically fails nine times out of ten. Do yourself a favor and assume you aren't that tenth time. Why did you even bother choosing that character and series to begin with if you were just going to piss all over the story and abandon it next chapter? Ha ha ha! Ranma doesn't have a curse, lost all his memories to the neko-ken and has been training with Bruce Lee in the cyber-wars of 2010! O.o' Of course that's ridiculous sounding, but its amazing how many aspiring authors totally divorce the characters from their original canon so completely. The sooner you accept the fact that you should scrub these fics from your hard drive with a brillo pad, the better.

11) Your Cause and Effect fails. Logical continuity will save plots that have no right being saved. Even yours. Thinking things through to their most logical conclusion is the hallmark of a well written story; as opposed to just going with a theme that sounds good and plowing though cause and effect like a semi plowing through a 30 car pile-up. When you're writing up a plot device, think the consequences of that path through and write the story around those consequences. Outlandish plot points are fine toward this end. You want Naruto to be a sexy demon slayer? Great! But think over. How you get there will make or break your fic, and generally the most easily explainable means toward that end are the best ones. Ask cause and effect questions at every stage of your fic. For every decision your character makes. For every action that happens in their proximity. Treat them as real people. How will they react? The more you have to justify those reactions and the more outlandish they sound, the more you are failing at it. This failure not only runs hand in hand with Fanfiction Failure #4, but has far reaching consequences in other failures at well.

New!
12) Your plot vehicle fails. Because you obviously don't know how to drive. Stories are divided up into vehicles and destination, and one without the other is absolutely worthless. In fact, reading this particular failure to execute is like salting your eyeballs and dipping them in vinegar; something that can be avoided with some good ol' common sense. Harry Potter the magical girl is not a plot in and of itself. It's a way way to get to your plot. How Harry Potter becomes Queen of the magical girls is. That's your end destination, and everything in your fic should revolve around getting there. Fics without an end destination have a shelf life before your readers become as tired of reading it as you are of writing an endless, go nowhere exercise in futility. Your reader base might laugh at first, but all you've really done is sentence them to a slow, lingering death; though this can be reversed by simply remembering where you're going. Fics without vehicles, however, are always immediatelyfatal, mainly because how you're getting to that end plot makes no sense what-so ever. You tried to insert BS instead of substance in your point A to B plot, and it's a failure strongly related to number twelve. Harry Potter the magical girl queen is a laudable goal, but if you can't substantiate a way to make that happen, its best you leave that one to the big boys and girls.

New!
13) Your Characterizations fail. Didn't we already visit this one? No, we did not. Characters are the lifeblood of your fic, and since your plots are obviously bleeding out, let me impart a bit of wisdom concerning them. KNOW YOUR GODDAMN CAST. Simply doing so is what will set you apart from your failing brethern, giving your fic an ever so slight chance to win. Canon will tell you everything you need to know about them: Their likes, dislikes, general disposition and best of all- repeat after me kids -how they will react to any situation you write them into. Not only does an authentically written character lend credbility to your story, knowing how they will react in regards to canon is solid fanfic gold for your readers. Even when you OC the hell out of the cast, this rule is vital just so you have a baseline, since you will at least know what you're doing to a given character when you take the mary sue torch to their ass. Building realistic characters also requires a grasp of Rule #11... Good character behavior plus cause and effect go hand in hand-- to the point where the story plot points will all but write themselves because you did your job as an author.


Fanfiction Failure Metarules for Writers

Things to look out for as an author to help you win more than fail at fanfiction.

Fanfiction Failure Metarule #1-- Readers will absolute love a completed work but will invariably pick apart and inadvertently attempt to destroy it if given a hand in its creation. Be especially wary of open forums in this regard. Either have a healthy self image or screen your pre-readers carefully to avoid this failure.

Fanfiction Failure Metarule #2-- The phrase "...that's just another excuse to (plot device)." indicates you are dealing with a person of below average insight as to how fiction is written. These people should not be allowed to influence your work in any way because everything is a means to an end and is therefore "an excuse" to achieve that end. For example; "...(plot device) is just another excuse to lock Ranma as a girl." This is an empty statement attempting to hide behind factual expertise; a bludgeon used by particular readers that don't get their way or don't approve of your plot. It contains no value beyond personal opinion and should therefor be treated as such.

Fanfiction Failure Metarule #3-- There is no impossible in fanfiction. Every once in a while you'll run into that anal retentive plot nazi that will say it simply can't be done like that. It doesn't matter what 'that' is because 'it' simply can't be done and they are, of course, the foremost authority on such matters. Normally this advisement is made by people that don't know they're closet creativity thieves; people who don't realize that their favorite series usually has either plot holes you can drive a death star through or that same series has Lucky God martial Artists, Flying airships, and springs of drowned Asura-zebra-octopi-phoenix-yeti-bulls. Sadly, their disagreements usual come down to little more than opinion of what is in reality- say it with me -magical bullshit. As such, these people should be given as little creative share in your work as possible. All that said, there is a difference between the broken ideology of "can't be done" and the more realistic "shouldn't be done". Consult the Rules of Fanfiction Failure for a head start on those.

Fanfiction Failure Metarule #4-- "It's been done before!" is never an excuse not to do it again. Some of the best works you will ever read in fanfiction "have been done before" and it's still amazing how these will be the first words out of reader's mouths when running an idea past them- even though they absolutely HAVE to know somewhere in the back of their mind that this is an empty statement, because half the fics they enjoy "have been done before". Don't take this one personally. It's reflex. Smile, nod and continue writing anyway with Rule of Fanfiction Failure #8 somewhere in the back of your mind.

Fanfiction Failure Metarule #5-- Fanon is not a sin. That's right folks, its time to drop the rosaries and stop going to those cleansing ceremonies because contrary to what you have been led to believe, fanon is not the end of the world. What is the end of the world is not knowing the difference between fanon and canon. Even if you don't know, your readers will and there's a good chance that your fic will deserve the smack-down heaped upon you even as your pitiful cries of "no flames" go unnoticed in the fic summary. Fanon often personalizes a fic and can- and I stress can -make it better than the original source material, but like Fan Fic Failure #13, knowing what you're doing to canon before you rape it at the alter will make or break a fic.



"There's no such thing as overkill; only unworthy targets."


This is a true story. A girl died in 1933. A man buried her when she was still alive. The murder chanted, "Toma Sota balcu," as he buried her. Now that you have read this chant, you will meet this little girl. In the middle of the night she will be on your ceiling. She will suffocate you like she was suffocated. If you post this on your profile, she will not bother you. Your kindness will be rewarded. Lucillia


Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Could you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food

shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

8. In Canada: We all hung up as soon as we heard the East Indian accent.


AH, the memories of the good ol 90's

In 1991, the world was a different place.

There was no Google yet. Or Yahoo. Or Mail.eidnet.org, for that matter.

In 1991, the year of your birth, the top selling movie was Terminator 2: Judgment Day. People buying the popcorn in the cinema lobby had glazing eyes when looking at the poster.

Remember, that was before there were DVDs. People were indeed watching movies in the cinema, and not downloading them online. Imagine the packed seats, the laughter, the excitement, the novelty.

Do you know who won the Oscars that year? The academy award for the best movie went to The Silence of the Lambs. The Oscar for best foreign movie that year went to Mediterraneo. The top actor was Anthony Hopkins for his role as Hannibal Lecter in The Silence of the Lambs. The top actress was Jodie Foster for her role as Clarice Starling in The Silence of the Lambs. The best director? Jonathan Demme for The Silence of the Lambs.

In the year 1991, the time when you arrived on this planet, books were still popularly read on paper, not on digital devices. Trees were felled to get the word out. The number one US bestseller of the time was Scarlett by Alexandra Ripley. Oh, that's many years ago. Have you read that book? Have you heard of it? Look at the cover!

In 1991... Soviet forces storm Vilnius to stop Lithuanian independence. The United Nations deadline for the withdrawal of Iraqi forces from occupied Kuwait expires, preparing the way for the start of Operation Desert Storm. Four Los Angeles, California police officers are indicted for the videotaped March 3 beating of motorist Rodney King during an arrest. Albania has its first multi-party elections. Comedy Central is launched. The Pittsburgh Penguins defeat the Minnesota North Stars 8-0 in Game 6 to win their first Stanley Cup in franchise history. Croatia and Slovenia declare their independence from Yugoslavia. The Super Nintendo Entertainment System is released in the United States. Soviet President Mikhail Gorbachev is put under house arrest while vacationing in the Crimea during a coup. The attempted coup, led by Vice President Gennady Yanayev and 7 hard-liners, collapses in less than 72 hours. The Huntington Library makes the Dead Sea Scrolls available to the public for the first time. The American Galileo spacecraft makes its closest approach to 951 Gaspra, becoming the first probe to visit an asteroid. Freddie Mercury, the lead singer and frontman of British rock group Queen dies. The first report on Carbon nanotubes is published by Sumio Iijima in the journal Nature. The video game of the day was Super Mario World.

That was the world you were born into. Since then, you and others have changed it.

The Nobel prize for Literature that year went to Nadine Gordimer. The Nobel Peace prize went to Aung San Suu Kyi. The Nobel prize for physics went to Pierre-Gilles de Gennes from France for discovering that methods developed for studying order phenomena in simple systems can be generalized to more complex forms of matter, in particular to liquid crystals and polymers. The sensation this created was big. But it didn't stop the planets from spinning, on and on, year by year. Years in which you would grow bigger, older, smarter, and, if you were lucky, sometimes wiser. Years in which you also lost some things. Possessions got misplaced. Memories faded. Friends parted ways. The best friends, you tried to hold on. This is what counts in life, isn't it?

The 1990s were indeed a special decade. The Nineties saw the beginnings of the World Wide Web, originating at CERN. Email becomes popular. The Soviet Union dissolved. Living standards in East Asia and Europe generally improved. The Cold War ends. Iraqi forces invade Kuwait. A UN coalition force led by the US was sent to the Persian Gulf, and aerial bombing of Iraq began. The Kosovo War took place. The Ethiopian Civil War ends. Dolly, a sheep, is cloned. The Global Positioning System GPS becomes fully operational. Genetically engineered crops are developed for commercial use. Intel develops the Pentium processor. The Java programming language is created. Microsoft released Windows 95. In Los Angeles, riots occur after the police brutality case involving Rodney King. Great Britain hands sovereignty of Hong Kong to China. East Timor breaks away from Indonesian control. US president Bill Clinton was involved in the Lewinsky scandal. Dogme 95 becomes an important artistic movement in European film. Teen soap Beverly Hills 90210 has its long run. Baywatch becomes the most watched show in history. On MTV, reality television makes its beginning. Nelson Mandela is elected president of South Africa. Germany was reunified. The prediction of computer bug Y2K spreads fear.

Do you know what was on the cover of Life that year?

There's a kid outside, shouting, playing. It doesn't care about time. It doesn't know about time. It shouts and it plays and thinks time is forever. You were once that kid.

When you were 9, the movie Dungeons & Dragons was playing. When you were 8, there was Inspector Gadget. When you were 7, there was a Disney movie out called Tarzan. Does this ring a bell?

6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... it's 1991. There's TV noise coming from the second floor. Someone turned up the volume way too high. The sun is burning from above. These were different times. The show playing on TV is Clarissa Explains it All. The sun goes down. Someone switches channels. There's The Red Green Show on now. That's the world you were born in.

Progress, year after year. Do you wonder where the world is heading towards? The technology available today would have blown your mind in 1991. Do you know what was invented in the year you were born? The Memory Card.

Well, the year it's 1991
It seems that freedom is dead and gone
The power of the rich is held by few
They keep the young paralyzed
Educated by your lies
Keep the old ones happy with the news
...

That's from the song Sell Out by The Levellers.

It's 2011.

The world is a different place.

What path have you taken?


/


THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT (This one is too funny to not forward.)*

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.*

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just
put your trays up, that would be super...'*
*On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' *She calmly turned her head and said, *'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no
one.'*

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a
beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. *Tray-up, Bitch'*


Man is a frightened animal, always running in the wrong direction.

In all our histories, adventures and fictions, most are too seek the wonder of over ther hills and far away

to disatnt lands and spaces in between.

Rare it is too see us pause or be at peace with the elysium we find.

Hatred is often easiest to bear onto others rather than were it truly belongs.

For when we are brought still by time or circumstance

and all everything are burned by eminity.

The greatest adventure to be found is oneself

and fewer are brave enough still to look into the void and see how big the monster within has grown.

Wretched beings we are, packing and filling the spaces so too bury lies of past and sins of moments.

But for those who perserve, sift though the rubble and uptake shouldering burdens of penance though forgiveness is never earned.

and embrace the duality of balance.

Dancing twixt light and dark

The good sewn and bad festering.

Maybe someday,

Walking in the gray won't be so hard.


Nuclear Radiation Tester for the Home

If you are concerned about radiation fallout from Japan's Fukushima
reactor, here is a readily available,

innovative and inexpensive radiation tester you can use anywhere in your home.

1. Open a bag of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn.

2. Leave it on a table and if it starts popping, you're fucked.

You're welcome.

Homeland Security


Subject: FW: The Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral
director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no
family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in
the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a
typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently
gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers
and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the
side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in
place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I
played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I
played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,
I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes
and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I
never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic
tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost... it's a man thing


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vo0Cazxj_yc



During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?


In Real Hot Sauce Now

London, UK Food & Eating, Illegal, Top

(I walk in and stand in a line. I’ve been there for all of five seconds before a man runs in, elbows his way to the front of the queue and slams a burger in front of the cashier. She is a young teenager.)

Customer: "You f*ing b*! How many f*ing times do I have to tell you no f*ing sauce?!"

Cashier: *smiling all the way through the exchange* "I’m sorry sir, what seems to be the problem?"

Customer: "You f*ing up my burger! I want a refund now!"

Cashier: "Certainly, sir! Do you remember what time you came in at?"

Customer: "How am I supposed to f*ing know? You’re the one who took the d* order!"

Cashier: "I’ll have a look, sir, if you give me one moment."

(She taps her screen, all the while being yelled abuse at by the customer. All the other customers have since cleared out, except for me. I motion to the cashier that I’ve called the police.)

Cashier: "Hm…oh, is this your order?” *rattles off a few items*

Customer: "Yes, that’s my d* order! Now give me my f*ing refund!"

Cashier: "Certainly, sir, let me just authorise that for you."

(She taps on her screen some more and swipes a card a few times.)

Customer: "F*ing hurry up, you b*! My f*ing dinner’s getting cold!"

Cashier: "My apologies sir, give me one moment. Would you like me to give you a fresh order?"

Customer: "You’d better, you b*!”

Cashier: *hands customer his refunded money* "Okay, it’ll be three minutes to cook your order so if you’d like to sit down-"

(At this point the man throws the money he’s just been given at the cashier and screams abuse at her. She picks up the change and counts it.)

Cashier: "Your change comes up to £3.71, which is just enough for another meal. Which one would you like?"

Customer: "Would you just hurry up and give me my d* food! Are you f*ing simple or something?”

Cashier: "No, just distracting you ’till the police get here."

(Two uniformed police officers walk in and take the man away, who is still cursing. The manager walks out of a side room which he has been hiding in–he’s about thirty and male–and offers her a promotion on the spot. She promptly tells him that she’d rather die than be spineless like him and quits. She then pockets the change, grabs most of the food on display and leaves, but not before thanking me and sharing half the food with me.)


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5QxUR-mZVM


How's Your Day Going?

Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.

If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse...


STEPHEN HARPER was visiting an Ontario primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Harper if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a'Tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered:
'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playin' in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

Incorrect', said Harper...'That would be an accident'.

A little girl raised her hand:
'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy'.

'I'm afraid not', explained Harper, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss''

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Harper searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said:

'If a plane carrying You and Mr. Ignatieff and Mr. Layton and Mr. Duceppe were struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic', exclaimed Harper, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny...

'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!'


A bloody battle between monsters is about to begin, The dead are dancing, and all hell is singing...


"Y'all hold my beer and watch this."


"People of Seattle! Listen to me! We are not barbarians! We are not Neanderthals! AND WE ARE NOT FRENCH!"


The Man Rules
*At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down*
*Finally,the guys' side of the story.
(must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear*"the rules"
*From the female side.*

Now here are the rules from the male side.* *These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!*

1. *Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are..
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the* *other one*

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during
commercials..

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not *A *color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine..
Really

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such topics as FOOTBALL or*
*motor sports

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; *But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can -to give them a bigger laugh*


"All right, Ladies and Gentlemen, it's oh eight hundred local time, we've practiced this for weeks, in the immortal words of John Glenn,

'Dear Lord, let's not fuck this up.'"


SEX AFTER DEATH > > A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
> and inform the other of the sex after death. > > Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all. > > After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. > > True to his word, he made the first contact:
> > "Judy...Judy" > > "Is that you, George?" > > "Yes, I've come back like we agreed." > > "That's wonderful!? What's it like?" > > "Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast
> and then it's off to the golf course. > > I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a
> couple of more times. > > Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another
> romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest
> of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. > > Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-
> needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again" > > "Oh, George..are you in Heaven?" > > "No...I'm a rabbit in Kansas .."


A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told
them, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners.

You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to
the church. When the Pastor ushered them into

his office, the wife was crying,

and the husband obviously was verydepressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor
inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we
did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young
man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to
abstain through sheer willpower. The second week
was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The
third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold

showers, prayer,

reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our mindsfree of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I

noticed that she

didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and
I had my way with her, right then and there,"
admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our
church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at HOME DEPOT anymore, either."


36 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 repeat 71

cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,

and

84 have been arrested for drunk driving

in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

Scroll down,

a

a

a

a

a

it's the MEMBERS OF THE HOUSE OF COMMONS IN

OTTAWA

The same group of Idiots that crank out

hundreds of new laws each year

designed to keep the rest of us in line.


Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody!'


Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..

Marriage Humour Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

--

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'


CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"


SELF CPR

What are you to do if you have a heart attack

while you are alone.

If you've already received this,

it means people care about you.

The Johnson City Medical Center staff actually

discovered this and did an in-depth study

on it in our ICU.

The two individuals that discovered this then did

an article on it, had it published and have had it incorporated into ACLS and CPR classes.

It is very true and has and does work.

It is called Cough CPR.

A cardiologist says it's the truth,

if everyone who gets this sends it to 10 people,

you can bet that we'll save at least one life.

It could save your life!

Let's say it's 6:15 p.m. And you're driving home

(alone of course), after an usually hard day on the job.

You're really tired, upset and frustrated.

Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain

in your chest that starts to radiate out

into your arm and up into your jaw.

You are only about five miles from the hospital

nearest your home.

Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be

able to make it that far.

What can you do?

You've been trained in CPR

but the guy that taught the course didn't tell

you what to do if it happened to yourself.

Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, this article seemed to be in order.

Without help, the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint,

has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness.

However, these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously .

A deep breath should be taken before each

cough, and the cough must be deep

and prolonged, as when producing sputum

from deep inside the chest.

A breath and a cough must be repeated

about every two seconds without let up

until help arrives, or until the heart is felt to be beating normally again.

Deep breaths get oxygen into the lungs and coughing movements squeeze the heart and

keep the blood circulating.

The squeezing pressure on the heart also helps it regain normal rhythm. In this way, heart attack victims can get to a hospital.

Tell as many other people as possible about this, it could save their lives!

From Health Cares, Rochester General Hospital via Chapter 240s newsletter 'AND THE BEAT GOES ON '

(reprint from The Mended Hearts, Inc. Publication, Heart Response)

BE A FRIEND AND PLEASE SEND

THIS ARTICLE

TO AS MANY FRIENDS AS POSSIBLE


A Truckers Story

If this doesn't light your fire ... Your wood is wet!

I try not to be biased, but I had my doubts about hiring Stevie. His placement counselor assured me that he would be a good, reliable busboy.

But I had never had a mentally handicapped employee and wasn't sure I wanted one. I wasn't sure how my customers would react to Stevie.

He was short, a little dumpy with the smooth facial features and thick-tongued speech of Downs Syndrome. I wasn't worried about most of my trucker customers because truckers don't generally care who buses tables as long as the meatloaf platter is good and the pies are homemade.

The four-wheeler drivers were the ones who concerned me; the mouthy college kids traveling to school; the yuppie snobs who secretly polish their silverware with their napkins for fear of catching some dreaded 'truck stop germ'; the pairs of white-shirted business men on expense accounts who think every truck stop waitress wants to be flirted with. I knew those people would be uncomfortable around Stevie so I closely watched him for the first few weeks.

I shouldn't have worried. After the first week, Stevie had my staff wrapped around his stubby little finger, and within a month my truck regulars had adopted him as their official truck stop mascot.

After that, I really didn't care what the rest of the customers thought of him. He was like a 21-year-old kid in blue jeans and Nikes, eager to laugh and eager to please, but fierce in his attention to his duties. Every salt and pepper shaker was exactly in its place, not a bread crumb or coffee spill was visible when Stevie got done with the table. Our only problem was persuading him to wait to clean a table until after the customers were finished. He would hover in the background, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, scanning the dining room until a table was empty. Then he would scurry to the empty table and carefully bus dishes and glasses onto his cart and meticulously wipe the table up with a practiced flourish of his rag. If he thought a customer was watching, his brow would pucker with added concentration. He took pride in doing his job exactly right, and you had to love how hard he tried to please each and every person he met.

Over time, we learned that he lived with his mother, a widow who was disabled after repeated surgeries for cancer. They lived on their Social Security benefits in public housing two miles from the truck stop. Their social worker, who stopped to check on him every so often, admitted they had fallen between the cracks. Money was tight, and what I paid him was probably the difference between them being able to live together and Stevie being sent to a group home. That's why the restaurant was a gloomy place that morning last August, the first morning in three years that Stevie missed work.

He was at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester getting a new valve or something put in his heart. His social worker said that people with Downs Syndrome often have heart problems at an early age so this wasn't unexpected, and there was a good chance he would come through the surgery in good shape and be back at work in a few months..

A ripple of excitement ran through the staff later that morning when word came that he was out of surgery, in recovery, and doing fine.

Frannie, the head waitress, let out a war hoop and did a little dance in the aisle when she heard the good news. Marvin Ringers, one of our regular trucker customers, stared at the sight of this 50-year-old grandmother of four doing a victory shimmy beside his table

Frannie blushed, smoothed her apron and shot Marvin a withering look. He grinned. 'OK, Frannie, what was that all about?' he asked... 'We just got word that Stevie is out of surgery and going to be okay.' 'I was wondering where he was. I had a new joke to tell him.. What was the surgery about?' Frannie quickly told Marvin and the other two drivers sitting at his booth about Stevie's surgery, then sighed: ' Yeah, I'm glad he is going to be OK,' she said. 'But I don't know how he and his Mom are going to handle all the bills. >From what I hear, they're barely getting by as it is.' Marvin nodded thoughtfully, and Frannie hurried off to wait on the rest of her tables.. Since I hadn't had time to round up a busboy to replace Stevie and really didn't want to replace him, the girls were busing their own tables that day until we decided what to do.

After the morning rush, Frannie walked into my office. She had a couple of paper napkins in her hand and a funny look on her face.

'What's up?' I asked. 'I didn't get that table where Marvin and his friends were sitting cleared off after they left, and Pete and Tony were sitting there when I got back to clean it off,' she said. 'This was folded and tucked under a coffee cup'

She handed the napkin to me, and three $20 bills fell onto my desk when I opened it. On the outside, in big, bold letters, was printed 'Something For Stevie..'

'Pete asked me what that was all about,' she said, 'so I told him about Stevie and his Mom and everything , and Pete looked at Tony and Tony looked at Pete, and they ended up giving me this.' She handed me another paper napkin that had 'Something For Stevie' scrawled on its outside. Two $50 bills were tucked within its folds. Frannie looked at me with wet, shiny eyes, shook her head and said simply: 'truckers.'

That was three months ago. Today is Thanksgiving, the first day Stevie is supposed to be back to work.. His placement worker said he's been counting the days until the doctor said he could work, and it didn't matter at all that it was a holiday. He called 10 times in the past week, making sure we knew he was coming, fearful that we had forgotten him or that his job was in jeopardy. I arranged to have his mother bring him to work. I then met them in the parking lot and invited them both to celebrate his day back.

Stevie was thinner and paler, but couldn't stop grinning as he pushed through the doors and headed for the back room where his apron and busing cart were waiting.

'Hold up there, Stevie, not so fast,' I said. I took him and his mother by their arms. 'Work can wait for a minute.. To celebrate your coming back, breakfast for you and your mother is on me!' I led them toward a large corner booth at the rear of the room.

I could feel and hear the rest of the staff following behind as we marched through the dining room. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw booth after booth of grinning truckers empty and join the procession. We stopped in front of the big table. Its surface was covered with coffee cups, saucers and dinner plates, all sitting slightly crooked on dozens of folded paper n apkins. 'First thing you have to do, Stevie, is clean up this mess,' I said. I tried to sound stern.

Stevie looked at me, and then at his mother, then pulled out one of the napkins. It had 'Something for Stevie' printed on the outside. As he picked it up, two $10 bills fell onto the table.

Stevie stared at the money, then at all the napkins peeking from beneath the tableware, each with his name printed or scrawled on it. I turned to his mother. 'There's more than $10,000 in cash and checks on that table, all from truckers and trucking companies that heard about your problems. 'Happy Thanksgiving.'

Well, it got real noisy about that time, with everybody hollering and shouting, and there were a few tears, as well.

But you know what's funny? While everybody else was busy shaking hands and hugging each other, Stevie, with a big smile on his face, was busy clearing all the cups and dishes from the table.

Best worker I ever hired. Plant a seed and watch it grow..


S KIRT ZIPPER -

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on,
she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to
come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus
driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the
second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind
to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing
behind her picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled

'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,
'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times,
I kinda figured we were friends.'


The 2010 Darwin Awards:

You've been waiting for them, breathlessly, so
without further ado, here are the ...

2010 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and
drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide
sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who
"totally zoned when he ran", accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff,
on his daily run.

Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8
foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair
at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.

People on the beach used their hands and shovels
trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using
heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a
hospital.

Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell
through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the
long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the
base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he
won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded withfour bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car
parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on
robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer
was standing at the counter.

Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire,
and several customers also drew their guns and fired.

The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by
Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge
cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics
identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONOURABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored
just driving around at 2 A.M. So they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out
the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that
the window was closed.

RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several
friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a
local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited
and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they
discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had
continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay
nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to
the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable
tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into
the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never
located.

AND THE WINNER IS...

Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn,
Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more
than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally
got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was
attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved
beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected
defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock
as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It
seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves... 'Shit happens'

IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE
FOR REMOVING

THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.


In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,
instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to
express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.

It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,

'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'


a

01101110 00110000 00110000 01100010

a

01110011 01110100 01100110 01110101

a

01110111 01110100 01100110

a

01000001 00100000 01110111 01101111 01101101 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100010 01110010 01101001 01101110 01100111 01110011 00100000 01100101 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00101101 01111001 01100101 01100001 01110010 00101101 01101111 01101100 01100100 00100000 01001010 01101111 01101000 01101110 01101110 01111001 00100000 01101000 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101100 01101100 01110011 00100000 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 01100011 01100001 01110101 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100100 01101111 01100011 01110100 01101111 01110010 01110011 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101110 01110101 01110010 01110011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101001 01110100 01101000 00100000 01001101 01100001 01110010 01111001 00101100 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100101 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00101101 01111001 01100101 01100001 01110010 00101101 01101111 01101100 01100100 00100000 01100100 01100001 01110101 01100111 01101000 01110100 01100101 01110010 00101110 00100000 01001010 01101111 01101000 01101110 01101110 01111001 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 01110011 00101100 00100000 00100010 01001100 01100101 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110010 01110011 01101000 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01101101 00101110 00101110 00101110 00101110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01111001 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100010 01101111 01110101 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01100011 01110101 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 00101110 00101110 00101110 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01111000 00100000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01100001 01100111 01100101 00101110 00100010 00100000 00100010 01000011 01110101 01110010 01101001 01101111 01110101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110011 01100101 01111000 00111111 00100010 00100000 01110010 01100101 01110000 01101100 01101001 01100101 01110011 00100000 01001101 01100001 01110010 01111001 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101101 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00101110 00100000 00100010 01001000 01100101 00100111 01110011 00100000 01110100 01100001 01101011 01100101 01101110 00100000 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01110000 01110000 01100101 01101110 01100100 01101001 01111000 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100001 00100010


BUYER BEWARE!

Be careful about buying

anything from E-Bay...

RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY

Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sun.


Cowboy Solution (This is Good)

I have lived, loved, lost and loved again. Life is not easy,... but it is what it is.


Cowboy rules for:

Arizona, Texas , Oklahoma , Kansas,Colorado, New Mexico , Wyoming , Montana , Utah , Nebraska , Idaho , and the rest of the Wild West are as follows:

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.


2. Turn your cap right, your head ain't crooked.


3. Let's get this straight: it's called a 'gravel road.' I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.


4. They are cattle. That's why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don 't like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.


5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.


6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.


7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are comin' in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.


8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.


9. The 'Opener' refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.


10. We open doors for women. That's applied to all women, regardless of age.


11. No, there's no 'vegetarian special' on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.


12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat... IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!


13. You bring 'Coke' into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring 'Mary Jane' into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.


14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.


15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.


16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!


A true Westerner will send this to at least 10 others and a few new friends that probably won't get it, but we're friendly so we share in hopes you can begin to understand what a real life is all about!!!


A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible, that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"


Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies,
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SncapPrTusA


Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Old Godzilla was hopping around,
Tokyo City like a big playground.
When suddenly Batman burst from the shade,
and hit Godzilla with a Batgrenade.
Godzilla got pissed and began to attack,
but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq.
Who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu,
when Aaron Carter came out of the blue.

And he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal,
then they both got flattened by the Batmobile.
but before it could make it back to the Batcave,
Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave.
And took an AK47 out from under his hat,
and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat.
But he ran out of bullets and he ran away,
because Optimus Prime came to save the day.

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.
Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see.
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be.
This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny

Godzilla took a bite out of Optimus Prime,
like Scruff McGruff took a bite out of crime.
And then Shaq came back covered in a tire track,
but Jackie Chan jumped out and landed on his back.
And Batman was injured, and trying to get steady,
when Abraham Lincoln came back with a machete.
But suddenly something caught his leg and he tripped,
Indiana Jones took him out with his whip.

Then he saw Godzilla sneaking up from behind,
and he reached for his gun which he just couldn't find.
'Cause Batman stole it and he shot and he missed,
and Jackie Chan deflected it with his fist.
Then he jumped in the air and did a summersault,
while Abraham Lincoln tried to pole vault.
onto Optimus Prime, but they collided in the air.
then they both got hit by a Care Bear Stare.

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.
Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see.
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be.
This is the Ultimate Showdown...

Angels sang out in immaculate chorus,
down from the heavens descended Chuck Norris.
Who delivered a kick which could shatter bones,
into the crotch of Indiana Jones.
Who fell over on the ground, writhing in pain,
as Batman changed back into Bruce Wayne.
but Chuck saw through his clever disguise,
and he crushed Batman's head in between his thighs.

Then Gandalf the Grey and Gandalf the White and
Monty Python and the Holy Grail's Black Knight.

And Benito Mussolini and The Blue Meanie,
and Cowboy Curtis and Jambi the Genie

Robocop, the Terminator,
Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader

Lo Pan, Superman,
every single Power Ranger.

Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan,
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan -

All came out of no where lightning fast,
And they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass.
It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw,
with civilians looking on total awe.

The fight raged on for a century,
many lives were claimed, but eventually.
The champion stood, the rest saw their better:
Mr. Rogers in a bloodstained sweater.

This is the Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny.
Good guys, bad guys, and explosions as far as the eye can see.
And only one will survive, I wonder who it will be.
This is the Ultimate Showdown...
(the ultimate showdown)
This is the Ultimate Showdown...
(the ultimate showdown)
This is the Ultimate Showdown...
(the ultimate showdown)

of Ultimate Destiny


"Give a man a gun, he's Superman. Give him two, and he's God!"


"Wanna know the best thing about unconscious chicks? They can't say no."

*beat*

"What?! Oh yeah, like I'm the only one thinking it."


Fanfiction is what literature might look like if it were reinvented from scratch after a nuclear apocalypse by a band of brilliant pop-culture junkies trapped in a sealed bunker. They don't do it for money. That's not what it's about. The writers write it and put it up online just for the satisfaction. They're fans, but they're not silent, couchbound consumers of media. The culture talks to them, and they talk back to the culture in its own language.

—Lev Grossman, TIME, July 18, 2011


Home Improvement and SG1 crossover

Epic :)


Unfamiliar

Prototype and Familiar of Zero Crossover

Epic :0


Smite 1701

SG1 and Star Wars crossover

Epic :>


Evil doesn't understand love. It can use, and it can manipulate, but it can never understand why anyone would throw themselves in the path of a blade.


Jolee says it best:

"Love doesn't lead to the dark side. Passion can lead to rage and fear, and can be controlled, but passion is not the same thing as love. Controlling your passions while being in love, that's what they should teach you to beware, but love itself will save you, not condemn you."


"If you criticize something, but don't offer at least one suggestion for fixing it, then you're just bitching and moaning."

Anonymous


“I waged two guerrilla wars against alien raiders, and sometimes that meant that I had to let innocents get carried off to a ghastly fate simply so that I could get my forces into position. I had to, on many occasions; let units fight to the death because the loss of their lives would mean less than the loss of even a single individual to the enemy, or because it was simply impossible to reinforce them. I know that sacrifice is often needed to obtain victory, and the scars I bear proudly on my flesh testify to the fact that I was unafraid to use myself as bait. The only thing I ever question is if the loss of life required to achieve victory still makes it a victory in the end,” Vulkan stated, swelling up with righteous indignation at his father’s implications against his dedication.


"Show me a general who has made no mistakes and you speak of a general who has seldom waged war."
- Marshal Turenne, 1641


"Heeeeere’s Konrad!"

-Primarch Curze, newly instated leader of the night lords while boarding an eldar worship.


forums.spacebattles.com/showthread.php?t=177480

Big Sister

Warhammer 40k AU


Rise of The Tau

Warhammer 40k AU


Star Trek Enterprise done right.


www.q-research.connectfree.co.uk/personal/earthfront.htm

Star Trek Deep Space Nine AU



Target Stores - What a surprise

Wasn't it last Christmas that Target refused to let the Salvation Army ring their bells in front of their stores?

Dick Forrey of the Vietnam Veterans Association wrote.

'Recently we asked the local TARGET store to be a proud
sponsor of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall during our
spring recognition event.

We received the following reply
from the local TARGET management:



Veterans do not meet our
area of giving. We only donate to the arts, social action
groups, gay & lesbian causes, and education.'

So I'm thinking, if the Vietnam Veterans Memorial Wall and
veterans in general, do not meet their donation criteria,
then something is really wrong at this TARGET store.
We were
not asking for thousands of dollars, not even hundreds, just
a small sponsorship for a memorial remembrance.

As a follow-up, I, E-mailed the TARGET

U.S. Corporate
Headquarters and their response was the same...

That's their
national policy!!!

Then I looked into the company further..
They will not allow
the Marines to collect for 'Toys for Tots'at any of their
stores. And during the recent Iraq deployment,they would
not allow families of employees who were called up for
active duty to continue their insurance coverage while
they were on military service..
Then as I dig further,
TARGET
is a French-owned corporation.

Now, I'm thinking again..
If TARGET cannot support American (or Canadian) Veterans, then why should my family and I support their
stores by spending our hard earned American (or Canadian) dollars in their stores???

And,

have their profits sent to France .

Without the American (and Canadian)
Vets, where would France

be today?

'They, most likely would be speaking German and trading in Deutsch Marks'

Sincerely,
Dick Forrey
Veterans Helping Veterans

Please send this on to everyone you know


to let Target know
we don't need them either !


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses, 'Was I going up the stairs or down?

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door'

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn't it?”

“No,” the second man replied, “it's Thursday.”

And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let's have a beer.”

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I'll take the soup.”

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes; she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.

Please be careful!”

“Heck,” said Herman, “It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!”

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, my, am I driving?”


Yes, it's that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us.

Here is the glorious winner:

1. When his 38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer... $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape...

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

9.. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast... The man, frustrated, walked away. *A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER]

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

In the interest of bettering mankind, please share these with friends and family...unless of course one of these individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case, be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

* Remember...

They walk among us, and they reproduce...


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women

will be finished reading this by now.

Men

are still busy checking their thumbs.


E-Mail Tracker Programs -- very interesting and a must read!

The man that sent this information is a computer tech. He spends a lot of time clearing the junk off computers for people and listens to complaints about speed. All forwards are not bad, just some. Be sure you read the very last paragraph.

He wrote:

By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and/ortruthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites.

Advice from snopes.com VERY IMPORTANT!!

1) Any time you see an email that says "forward this on to '10' (or however many) of your friends", "sign this petition", or "you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or "you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or whatever -- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other Spammers. Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus -- that is email tracking, and they are playing on our conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses - just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease "how would you feel if that was your child" -- email tracking. Ignore them and don't participate!

2) Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of email is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and Spammers -- to validate active email accounts for their own profitable purposes.

You can do your Friends and Family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them. You will be providing a service to your friends. And you will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam emails in the future!

Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listing regardless how inviting they might sound! Or make you feel guilty if you don't! It's all about getting email addresses and nothing more.

You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT!

Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very possibly a virus attached! Plus, we are helping the Spammers get rich! Let's not make it easy for them!

ALSO: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to government or any other organization - I.e. Social security, etc. To be acceptable, petitions must have a "signed signature" and full address of the person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and you are just helping the email trackers.

Tips for Handling Telemarketers

Three Little Words That Work!!

(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting..

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!If enough people follow these tips, it will work I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS and LIKE MINDED PEOPLE.


he Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20 years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.


The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this...)

a
a
a
aa

aa
aa
a
a

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"


From Mertropolis Kid's profile www.fanfiction.net/u/1477446/Metropolis_Kid#

92 percent of American teens would die if Abecrombe and Fitch told them it wasn't cool to breathe. If your one of the 8 percent that would be laughing your asses off as you watch the others copy this to your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this.

Recent studies show that 92 percent of teenagers have moved on to rap. If you're part of the 8 percent that hasn't, put this in your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this.

98 percent of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2 percent who haven't, copy & paste this into your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this.

65 percent of Teenagers spend more time watching TV- rather than reading. If you are part of the 35 percent who read more than watch TV, then cut and paste this to your profile. I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this.

93 percent of American teens would have a severe emotional breakdown if someone called them a freak. If you're a part of the 7 percent who would ask the person, "What was your first clue?", copy this into your profile and add your name to the list: Sunlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Moonlit Goddess of the C.O.C.A., Evil Genius of the COCA, Invader Miley Phantom, dAnnYsGiRl777, BloodySalvation, Lady Lost-A-Lot, bellabookworm9, Bella Masen Cullen, Vampire Scooby, blissfulmememories, Vampire Apple, Vampireyaoi, Queen-Skizophrenya, Metropolis Kid (I'm not a teenager any longer, but I still endorse this.)

99.8 of anime fans are obsessing over Naruto. If you are the last few of the clan who can think up to three better animes than this, paste this on your profile.

If you aren't scared to wear more than one black garment of clothing at a time, copy and paste this into your profile.

Weird is good, strange it bad, and odd is when you don't know what to call someone. Weird is the same as different, which is the same as unique, then weird is good! If you are weird and proud of it, copy this into your profile!

Only crazy people can understand the brilliance of crazy things. If you are crazy and proud of it, copy and paste this into your profile!

If you have a tendency to talk to yourself, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you've ever thought about something when you were talking about something else, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you ever wished you could talk to animals or be an animal, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you can't stand preppy people who talk like this: "I like, can't believe, I like, chipped my manicure!!", copy and paste this into your profile.

If you think that being unique is better than being cool then put this on your profile.

If you're rebellious and proud of it, put this in your profile.

If it bugs you when people favorite something you worked on without leaving you any comments, reviews or feedback, put this in your profile.

If you think that those kids should just give that Trix rabbit some Trix then copy this onto your profile.

If you think Goldilocks should be arrested for breaking and entering and the bears should have reported her, copy this into your profile.

Pluto was declared a planet no longer on August 27 of 2006 just because it was "Too small" and "Off it's orbit" for a couple scientists’ likings. If you still think Pluto should be a planet then copy and paste this to your profile. LONG LIVE PLUTO!

If there are times when you wanna annoy people just for the heck of it, copy this into your profile.

If you have ever changed your password on something and forgotten it, copy and paste this into your profile.

If you actually know what a semi-colon is, copy and paste this into your profile.

Bad spellers of the world UNTIE! If you are a bad speller and proud of it copy this to your profile.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt! tahts so cool! If you could read that put it in your profile.

If you hate those irritating mosquitos giving you mosquito bites copy this in your profile.

If you've ever copied and pasted something into your profile, copy and paste this into your profile.

If your profile is long, copy and paste this on it to make it even longer.


I am the bone of my sword.
Steel is my body, and fire is my blood.
I have created over a thousand blades.
Unaware of loss.
Nor aware of gain.
Withstood pain to create many weapons.
Waiting for one's arrival.
I have no regrets, this is the only path.
My whole life was "Unlimited Blade Works."


Be polite, be efficient and have a plan to kill everyone you meet
Firm believer in free will for better and worse.
It is only because of the actions of unpleasant people that we may choose to be pleasant.


Mass Effect Mega man crossover


Mass Effect Dresden Files Crossover


"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." --Winston Churchill
"You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life." --Winston Churchill
"If at first you don't succeed, try subterfuge." --Zephir


Mass Effect Prototype crossover

Epic$


For want of a nail, the shoe was lost;
For want of a shoe, the horse was lost;
For want of a horse, the rider was lost;
For want of a rider, the message was lost;
For want of the message, the battle was lost;
For want of a battle, the kingdom was lost,
And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.


This is so true
Life from the seat of a tractor..

An old Farmer's Words of Wisdom we could all live by...


Advice from Canman


“Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.”

“Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.”

“Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.”

“A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.”

“Words that soak into your ears are whispered…...not yelled.”

“Meanness don't just happen overnight.”

“Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.”

“Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.”

“It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.”

“You cannot unsay a cruel word.”

“Every path has a few puddles.”

“When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.”

“The best sermons are lived, not preached.”

“Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway.”

“Don't judge folks by their relatives.

“Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.”

“Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.”

“Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.”

“Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.”

“If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.”

“Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

“The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.”

“Always drink upstream from the herd.”

“Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.”

“Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.”

“If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.”

“Live simply, love generously, care deeply,
Speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.”

“Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.”



A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...

A huge heart... covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I'm so sorry... I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynaecologist!'

The priest fainted!


The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did...
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!"
and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It
completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops... although, they do make me look a bit gay.


My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop
before you're banned from teaching altogether.


"Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain"?

17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."


A frog goes into a bank and

approaches the teller. He

can see from her nameplate

that her name is Patricia

Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get

a £30,000 loan to take a

holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in

disbelief and asks his name.

The frog says his name is

Kermit Jagger, his dad is

Mick Jagger, and that it's

okay, he knows the bank

manager.

Patty explains that he will

need to secure the loan with

some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have

this," and produces a tiny

porcelain elephant, about an

inch tall, bright pink and

perfectly formed

Very confused, Patty explains

that she'll have to consult

with the bank manager and

disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and

says, "There's a frog called

Kermit Jagger out there who

claims to know you and wants

to borrow £30,000, and he

wants to use this as

collateral.

She holds up the tiny pink

elephant. "I mean, what in

the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back

at her and says.

"It's a knickknack, Patty

Whack. Give the frog a loan,

His old man's a Rolling

Stone."


Only theIrish have JokesLikeThese

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised
and he's walking with a limp.
What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"
That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"
That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"
Well," says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"
Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
*
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"
So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"
Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"
Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"
I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"
D id you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"
Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"
For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"
Of course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
"
That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"
Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim"How did it happen, Tim?"
"
It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"
Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

*

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears.
He says So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She saysOh, Father, I've got terrible newsMy
husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
S he says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

ANDTHEBESTFORLAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"


Garage Door
The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure..'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so
not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'

'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'

Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more.. . ..!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'


Now
, before you 'forget', send them on to some other folks you know who could use a good laugh !!

It's about not giving up!


If you think your life is tough, take a look at this.

-- This should make all of our problems seem pretty miniscule. THIS IS
TRULY AMAZING... Hard to explain, so just watch
this ...

But how does he...?


Castlevania: All His Engines

"We'll need to be ready, just in case. Evil never dies. But as long as we live, it will never win either."


Keep Aaron Peori's corollary in mind.

"Sufficiently advanced stupidity is indistinguishable from malice."


"You're like catnip"

"How so?"

"Pussy can't get enough of you."


Found on the Profile of Dragonanzar

MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.

7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty.tions:


Originally Posted by Firethorn

You could kill the Joker with a .50BMG sniper rifle at a range in excess of a thousand yards and I'd still rule it self defense.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alex12

If my limited knowledge of anime has taught me anything, it's that yelling loudly makes giant robots stronger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by EricD

The odd thing about multiculturalism is that it is a unicultural phenomenon.


I woke up, lifted my arms, moved my knees, turned my neck. Everything made the same noise: 'c-r-e-a-k'.

I came to a conclusion: I am not old, I am crispy!


Subject: FW: Lest we forget!

British Newspaper Article about Canada - Enlightening

Thanks to the Brits, (and annually by the Dutch since the second world war), Canada’s extraordinary defence related efforts are acknowledged.

British newspaper salutes Canada . . . this is a good read. It is funny how it took someone in England to put it into words...
Salute to a brave and modest nation - Kevin Myers , 'The Sunday Telegraph' LONDON :

Until the deaths of Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan , probably almost no one outside their home country had been aware that Canadian troops are deployed in the region.

And as always, Canada will bury its dead, just as the rest of the world, as always will forget its sacrifice, just as it always forgets nearly everything Canada ever does.. It seems that Canada 's historic mission is to come to the selfless aid both of its friends and of complete strangers, and then, once the crisis is over, to be well and truly ignored.

Canada is the perpetual wallflower that stands on the edge of the hall, waiting for someone to come and ask her for a dance. A fire breaks out, she risks life and limb to rescue her fellow dance-goers, and suffers serious injuries. But when the hall is repaired and the dancing resumes, there is Canada, the wallflower still, while those she once helped glamorously cavort across the floor, blithely neglecting her yet again.

That is the price Canada pays for sharing the North American continent with the United States , and for being a selfless friend of Britain in two global conflicts.

For much of the 20th century, Canada was torn in two different directions: It seemed to be a part of the old world, yet had an address in the new one, and that divided identity ensured that it never fully got the gratitude it deserved.

Yet it's purely voluntary contribution to the cause of freedom in two world wars was perhaps the greatest of any democracy. Almost 10% of Canada 's entire population of seven million people served in the armed forces during the First World War, and nearly 60,000 died. The great Allied victories of 1918 were spearheaded by Canadian troops, perhaps the most capable soldiers in the entire British order of battle.

Canada was repaid for its enormous sacrifice by downright neglect, it's unique contribution to victory being absorbed into the popular memory as somehow or other the work of the 'British.'

The Second World War provided a re-run. The Canadian navy began the war with a half dozen vessels, and ended up policing nearly half of the Atlantic against U-boat attack. More than 120 Canadian warships participated in the Normandy landings, during which 15,000 Canadian soldiers went ashore on D-Day alone.

Canada finished the war with the third-largest navy and the fourth largest air force in the world. The world thanked Canada with the same sublime indifference as it had the previous time.

Canadian participation in the war was acknowledged in film only if it was necessary to give an American actor a part in a campaign in which the United States had clearly not participated - a touching scrupulousness which, of course, Hollywood has since abandoned, as it has any notion of a separate Canadian identity.

So it is a general rule that actors and filmmakers arriving in Hollywood keep their nationality - unless, that is, they are Canadian. Thus Mary Pickford, Walter Huston, Donald Sutherland, Michael J. Fox, William Shatner, Norman Jewison, David Cronenberg, Alex Trebek, Art Linkletter, Mike Weir and Dan Aykroyd have in the popular perception become American, and Christopher Plummer, British.

It is as if, in the very act of becoming famous, a Canadian ceases to be Canadian, unless she is Margaret Atwood, who is as unshakably Canadian as a moose, or Celine Dion, for whom Canada has proved quite unable to find any takers.

Moreover, Canada is every bit as querulously alert to the achievements of its sons and daughters as the rest of the world is completely unaware of them. The Canadians proudly say of themselves - and are unheard by anyone else - that 1% of the world's population has provided 10% of the world's peacekeeping forces.
Canadian soldiers in the past half century have been the greatest peacekeepers on Earth - in 39 missions on UN mandates, and six on non-UN peacekeeping duties, from Vietnam to East Timor, from Sinai to Bosnia.

Yet the only foreign engagement that has entered the popular non-Canadian imagination was the sorry affair in Somalia , in which out-of-control paratroopers murdered two Somali infiltrators. Their regiment was then disbanded in disgrace - a uniquely Canadian act of self-abasement for which, naturally, the Canadians received no international credit.

So who today in the United States knows about the stoic and selfless friendship its northern neighbour has given it in Afghanistan?

Rather like Cyrano de Bergerac , Canada repeatedly does honourable things for honourable motives, but instead of being thanked for it, it remains something of a figure of fun. It is the Canadian way, for which Canadians should be proud, yet such honour comes at a high cost. This past year more grieving Canadian families knew that cost all too tragically well.

Lest we forget.

Please pass this on to any of your friends or relatives who served in the Canadian Forces or anyone who is proud to be Canadian; it is a wonderful tribute to those who choose to serve their country and the world in our quiet Canadian way.


Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to classes.

As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, "Good morning ladies."

The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I think she got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you the wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got up on the wrong side of the bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. As Sister Mary was Rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary, I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, good morning, Mother Superior. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored! "Sister Mary, what have I done wrong?" I have tried to be pleasant but three times already today people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.."


A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother,(from Toronto ) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom,(from Nova Scotia ) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother,(from Newfoundland ) Karen, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”


Amazing, spectaclular and very stupid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN3MFLwlsEg&feature=youtu.be

The Isle of Man TT was for many years the most prestigious motor-cycle race in the world.
Between 1907 and 2009 there have been 237 deaths during official practices or races on the Snaefell Mountain Course.


Epic Friendly Bear.

Bart worked quite a bit in BC Film industry, and was a happy gentle giant...
http://uk.youtube.com/user/ForTheGrizzly http://uk.youtube.com/user/ForTheGrizzly>


Epic hunting.

This Texas feral hog shooting chopper video(LOACH on the job) is fascinating.
The pilot has a fixed rifle with optics rigged back
to his helmet and eye-piece. He doesn't miss and his scout-chopper flying skills are down pat with the hogs behavior and pack or group running style. This came from Greg Cooper who has a huge ranch SE of Brownfield, Texas ...south of Lubbock . I don't know where the chopper hog hunting op is but it is clearly West Texas . This is a long run video but the hogs get it ! I don't see them dropping flags or stakes from the air to ground-mark their kills so as to go find them easily but I assume they "know" the country or wait for the turkey buzzards to tip them off. The pilot is really good !


Stuff you didn't know? (Who Cares?)


Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.

Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.


Coca-Cola was
originally green.

It is impossible to lick
your elbow.


The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:


Alaska

--
-- -- -- --

The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)


The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

-- -- -- -- -- -- --
--


The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:


$ 16,400

The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour:


61,000

-- -- -- -- -- --
--


Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair.

-- -- -- -- -- --
--


The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.


The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.


Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:


Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,
the Great


Diamonds - Julius
Caesar


111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

-- -- -- -- -- --
--

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes


Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.


Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?


A. Their birthplace
-- -- -- -- -- --
--


Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?


A.
Obsession

-- -- -- -- -- --
--


Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?


A. One thousand
-- -- -- -- -- --
--


Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?


A. All were invented
by women.

-- -- -- -- -- --
--


Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?


A. Honey


Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?


A. Father's Day


In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight, sleep tight'


It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.


In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'


It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'


Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.


At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!


YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...


1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.


2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.


3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.


5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.


6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries...


7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen


8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it


10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee


11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )


12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.


13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.


14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.


15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list


AND
FINALLY


NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.


Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.


I Suppose YOU Knew MOST OF THIS

I suppose YOU Knew MOST OF THIS

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
And "lollipop"
is the longest word typed with your right hand. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt". = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The sentence: "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog"
uses every letter of the alphabet. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The words 'racecar,'
'kayak' , and 'level'
are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes). = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. = = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
A snail can sleep for three years. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Almonds are a member of the peach family. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that also) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite! = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The cruise liner, QE 2
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
(Good thing he did that.) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
There are more chickens than people in the world. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Winston Churchill
was born in a ladies' room during a dance. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Women blink nearly twice as much as men. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Bonus!!
All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!!


Story from a Kansas State
> Highway Patrol officer :

> I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
> On U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
> I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
> The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
> In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
> To see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
> She had a weapon in her possession at this time.

> She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
> Something--body language, or the way she said it--made me want
> To ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
> A 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
> Time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
> Just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
> Was she so afraid of.

> She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a fucking thing!"


Stickman Fun


Class of 1957 vs. Class of 2011

And you think we aren't screwed up!

You should know that by today's standards none of us was supposed to ever make it!!!

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack..
1957 -
Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 -
Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 -
Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 -
Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman..
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 -
Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock..
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 -
Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 -
Ants die.
2010ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 -
In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.


I will be making a conscious effort to wish everyone
a Merry Christmas this year ...
My way of saying that I am celebrating

Christmas
if you agree with me,
to please do the same.
And if you'll pass this on to
your email buddies, and so on...
maybe we can prevent one more
Canadian tradition from being lost in the sea of
"Political Correctness".


Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University .

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 45 years of age cannot do it! 1.This is this cat.
aa 2.This is is cat.
aaa 3. This is how cat.
aaaa 4.This is to cat.
aaaa 5. This is keep cat.
aaaaa 6.This is an cat.
aaaaa 7. This is old cat.
aaaaaaa 8. This is fart cat.
aaaa 9. This is busy cat.
aa 10. This is for cat.
aa 11.This is forty cat.
a 12. This is seconds cat. Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.
I bet you cannot resist passing it on..


Word on the Street from the expieriences of the H. A . is that Wolf brand ammo from Russia is just as bad!!

44 Magnum accident

First it was baby formula, then pet food, but now you should Watch out when buying from China , >including bright, Shiny ammunition.
A guy came into the police department the other day to ask a favor.
He had a S&W 629 (.44 Mag) that he wanted to dispose of after a mishap at the range.
He said there was a loud bang when he tested his new ammo (Chinese made), and the gun smacked him in the forehead.
Leaving a nice gash. When the tweedy birds cleared from around His head, the pictures show what he saw.
Bet he never uses Chinese made ammo again!
Looks like when the round in the chamber went off, It also set off at least two other rounds in adjacent cylinders.
I would have hated to been the one that pulled the trigger on That one!

A really good reason for not buying cheap ammunition !!
Or anything from China .
They are proving this statement to be true.
You get what you pay for & MORE !!


Curiosity shouldn't be punished. It could get you killed but it isn't a crime.


A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'are they all
yours?"

'Yep, they are all mine,' the flustered momma sighs,
having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 'Sit down Leroy.' All the children rush to find seats.

'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.'

'Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.'

In disbelief, the case worker says, 'Are you serious? They're ALL named Leroy?'

Their momma replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier.
When it's time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' An they all comes a runnin. An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the
street, I just yell Leroy' and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Leroy.'

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But
what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'

'Then I call them by their last names.'


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
> (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
> I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how
> you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair
> out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew
> the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it because
> you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our
> coffee.
> The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
> should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my
> coffee."
> Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that
> the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that,
> show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
> and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...
> "HEBREWS"


#868223 (7403)- [X]

Woah, I got the weirdest moment of my entire life this morning
what happened?
you know, there was a party at my neighbours' last night
yeah, you've been fucking drunk..
you've been there, too?
sure...
well, you see i can't remember anything
but this morning I woke up in my bed, and there was my mom lying next to me.
wtf...?
That's exactly what i thought
So, my mom got up instantly when i woke up, smiled at me and said "U're so much better than your dad is." then she left the room
OMFG!!!
you didnt do that! TELL ME IT WASNT LIKE THAT!!! TELL ME YOU'RE A DUMBASS LIAR!!!
no, i'm not lying
OMG!!!
but it turned out she was playing a trick on me. Paycheck for coming home late, all drunk.

your mom's such a freak. o.O


Harry Scheuer

Sent: Monday, January 30, 2012 10:17 AM

To: ; Rolly And Marie ; Mick & Mryna ; rdbrock@telus.net ; Ralph Jorgenson ; terpea2@telus.net ; Ken Mick ; Louise & Ken

To Fix the Canadian Economy

Dear Prime Minister,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the CANADIAN economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are aboutTenmillion people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them $ 2 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new Canadian? car
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy $100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week ...
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!


Also:

Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell..

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay $400.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS:

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Goondiwindi almost three years ago, right to the paddock where she slept in the feedlot at Bony Mountain?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Also:

Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of CANADA to speak up!


Subject: A Test for a Man

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words

1. F _ _K
2. PU _S _
3. S _ X
4. P _N _S
5. BOO _S

6. _ _NDOM

a

a

a

a

a

a

a

a

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong...didn't you?

Don't worry. you don't have Alzheimer. You are just a pervert


A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'


The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.


The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'


Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!


In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'


In a huff, the woman says,


'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !!'


The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!


ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE!! SME
Once you see this, you will be blown away. If you have never seen
this before, you are in for a treat. Some of us wonder what the best
computer is in the world - got to be the brain.



Hi Arto,

I may not have been clear; what I meant to say is that the Wildrose is opposed to the Long Gun Registry. We also believe that the issue of gun regulation is best left up to the provinces to decide, which would be based upon what the citizens of the provinces desire the laws to be. I’ve copied below from our website the member approved policies voted on at the last annual general meeting:

D. Firearms

Wildrose members believe the Government of should: 13. … recognize that ’s Firearms Program only affects and penalizes law-abiding citizens, and that such programs are ineffective at reducing violent

crime. 14. … support stern sentencing for violent crimes, especially those involving firearms. 15. … uphold the property and civil rights of all Albertans, including firearms owners. 16. … appoint a Chief Firearms Officer to direct the Firearms Program in . 17. … create and maintain a registry of individuals prohibited by a court from possessing firearms.

18. … table periodic reports in the Legislature concerning the frequency, causes and prevention of all categories of violent crime in Alberta, and the social, environmental, and economic effects of all firearms-related activities.

One last thought to leave you with. I have very similar views on gun control as you do; that said, I believe amongst Albertan political parties I believe the Wildrose to be the best choice on this particular issue. Given that we are a grassroots party, if you had certain ideas on gun control or policies around that issue, by taking out a membership you are able to take part in the party’s process of creating and voting on policies, which take place at our annual general meeting. I encourage you to visit www.wildrose.ca for more information and if you have any further questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Thanks,

Karsten Erzinger

Constituency Support

#408, 919 Centre Street NW

Calgary ,

www.wildrose.ca

Inquiries:karsten.erzinger@wildrose.ca

Tel: 1.888.262.1888

Fax: 1.866.620.4791

BECOME A MEMBERDONATEVOLUNTEER

From: Arto Hahmo [mailto:ahahmo1@telus.net]
Sent: Tuesday, January 24, 2012 1:34 PM
To: 'Karsten Erzinger'
Subject: RE: Gun Control

Hello Karsten,

Thanks for your reply, but it really does not make me feel any better.

From what I understand from your comment is that Gun control is no good federally, but is good provincially.

I want extensive clarification on this subject and want to know exactly what the policy for the wild rose is.

Believe me, I have a lot of friends that want this explained completely.

Your explanation will be sent to all my wild rose friends and there is hundreds of them.

Thanks again for your prompt reply.

Arto Hahmo

Ameritool Services

220 Lake Bonavista Drive S.E.

Calgary

Tel: (403) 668-4285

Fax: (403) 668-4404

Email: ahahmo1@telus.net

From: Karsten Erzinger [mailto:karsten.erzinger@wildrose.ca]
Sent: Tuesday, January 24, 2012 12:45 PM
To: ahahmo1@telus.net
Subject: RE: Gun Control

Hi Arto,

Thank you for your email, I am happy to respond.

The Wildrose has long been opposed to the Federal Long Gun Registry and believe that the regulation of firearms should be returned to the provincial level. The Wildrose understands that this program does not stop gun crim, but rather forces law abiding Albertans to adhere to excessive and intrusive regulation and enforcement of control of firearms.

We hope to have your support in the upcoming election, please let me know if you need further clarification or have any further questions or concerns.

Thank you,


Short film: THE GERMAN

Very Interesting

Incredible four minute footage of a desperate Spitfire

vs. ME-109 dual. You feel like you are there!

Amazing computer work blended in with real

photography.

Also an interesting factual story that most of us did not know. History is rarely 'over'.

Now sit back and strap on your parachute harness.it is the Summer of 1940

over the skies of England. Listen to the perfect 'purr' of the Rolls Royce

Merlin ...

Be sure to watch the end. It has a very interesting twist.

Watch this full screen. It's very well done. Click on the link below:

The German


Steve Bridges August 2011

You may remember Steve Bridges as the guy who imitated George Bush on the Jay Leno Show. He has now started imitating Obama and REALLY does it well.
The Administration has tried to put a stop to Bridges' act, because Obama has made it known that he is deeply offended.
Use the link below:


Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.

It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!

They put in a correction the next day.


Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?

a

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

a

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

a

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

a

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

a

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

a

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

a

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

a

London Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!

a

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

a

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

a

New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

a

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

a

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

a

Local High SchoolDropoutsCut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

a

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is...


Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?


Lost cat on craiglist.


You don't need to have a cat to see the funny in this one.

You don't even have to like'em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year's Eve Party. We turned
on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and
we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the
cat we had put out in the yard, scooted back into the house.
We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife went on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house
would be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I
would be out soon, saying 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my
mother.'

A few minutes later, I got into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to
poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take
off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to
keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs
and threw her out into the back yard!
She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!'

The silence in the cab was deafening.

Silveraith

Religion is like a Penis.
It is great to have one.
It is great to be proud of it.
Just please do not whip it out in public and start waving it around,
And please don't try to shove it down my throat.


Murphy's law, according to Danial Jackson of stargate sg-1:
1- Murphy's law said: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
2- And Jackson’s law said: Anything that cannot go wrong will always go wrong.


Apparently I'm Elrond?


A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 60s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...
Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.
She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. ' And always remember this,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'
'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.
She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice.
'Makes your dick look bigger.'
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

His dizzy aunt --Verti Gogh

The brother who ate prunes--Gotta Gogh

The brother who worked at a convenience store -Stop N Gogh

The grandfather from Yugoslavia --U Gogh

His magician uncle -- Where-diddy Gogh

His Mexican cousin -- A Mee Gogh

The Mexican cousin's American half-brother --Gring Gogh

The nephew who drove a stage coach -- Wells-far Gogh

The constipated uncle --Can't Gogh

The ballroom dancing aunt --Tang Gogh

The bird lover uncle -- Flamin Gogh

The fruit-loving cousin -- Man Gogh

An aunt who taught positive thinking -- Way-to-Gogh

A sister who loved disco -- Go Gogh

And his niece who travels the country in an RV -- Winnie Bay

Gogh

I saw you smiling . . . there ya Gogh!


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kr8fUrTQNs


Three things never trust in:

The maiden sworn as pure;

The vows a king has given;

And the ambush that is sure

"Threes" Mercedes Lackey


Greetings to the fine folk that moderate our site.

Myself, along with many, have been writing and posting on your fine site for years now, some of the better examples of up and coming writers out there are now suddenly finding some of the stories we've come to love at risk of being removed without the chance to even rectify our errors.

For some, that means the permanent loss of a story. While I don't have anything that I believe violates your terms of use, there are those out there that are never able to recover a story in its original form, this is something I find to be almost worthy of a legal action, as while we cannot claim ownership of a character, the stories are OURS and simply destroying them is something that is inexcusable.

It's quite easy to simply add an MA rating, additional filters or even a simple requirement for a free membership to read the stories presented here, and would cut down on hateful anonymous reviews and posts at the same time, so I have to question as to why such a thing, in all this time, simply wasn't added.

If you're worried about falsification of a registration then have an appropriate disclaimer and then there can be no dispute, you took your steps and the PARENTS didn't monitor their children, if that is even your concern. If it is more of a personal view or desire then please at least let people know and give them a chance to remove a story that you and yours find offensive, most people on the site are actually rather cordial when it comes to such requests.

While I cannot say for sure if this letter will even reach those that may be willing to listen, of if it's more akin to a wide spectrum purge in preparation for something bigger, please understand that you are going to be looseing a LARGE number of your writers, and thus your income from a lack of readers if there is not some level of action taken to help with this situation.

For those that may agree with this, please feel free to sign on and send this to the support server, maybe we can get some movement on this.

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longmasher


Author: FernandelDeLaFrance

Authors Creed

There are many stories that are nothing more than... pastiches, written by unimaginative copycats and lazy writers, repeating word for word events in other stories and wasting the time of the one reading it.

And then there are many stories that are written by shallow and greedy men pandering to their audience, not daring to break out of the cage they have built for themselves, to surprise them, to create something new.

And then there are those who blindly follow what is known as the 'canon', not daring to break out of the mould that the original Creators gave us. Yet if they gave us such great gifts of imagination and the ability to exercise our free will, is it not a travesty for us to cling to stringent and arbitrary conventions, to write stories that make no effort to create something new, something inventive, something different

And that is why, Author, realize the truth of these words.

Where other men blindly follow others, fearful of creating something entirely their own, remember: Nothing is true.

Where other men are limited by the fear of their audience's backlash, by mainstream demand, terrified of breaking the mould and example set by society and their peers, remember: Everything is permitted.

To write what is right, and right what is wrong.
We work in the dark to serve the light.
We are Authors.

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

Rise, Author. Join the ranks of your countless brethren, and go on to enchant your readers, horrify them, make them laugh and cry and fear and feel

Then you will surely have changed the world for the better.


I like you and I know why. I like you because you are a good person to like. I like you because when I tell you something special you know it's special and you remember it a long long time. You say, remember when you told me something special? And both of us remember. When I think something is important you think it's important too. We have good ideas. When I say something funny, you laugh. I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too. Hah-hah. I like you because you know where I'm ticklish and you don't tickle me there except just a little tiny bit sometimes(stop stop stop help help)But if you do then I know where to tickle you too (HELP) You know how to be silly, that's why I like you. Boy are you ever silly. I never met anybody sillier than me till I met you. I like you because you know when it's time to stop being silly. Maybe day after tomorrow. Maybe never. Oops too late, it's a quarter past silly. We fool around the same way all the time. Sometimes we don't say a word. We snurkle under fences. We spy secret places. If I am a goofus on the roofus, Hollering my head of, you are one too. If I pretend I am drowning. You pretend you are saving me. If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag, then you are getting ready to jump (HOORAY!) That's because you really like me. You really like me, don't you? And I really like you back. And you like me back. And I like you back.And that's the way we keep on going. Every day.If you go away, then I go away too. Or if I stay home, you send me a postcard. You don't just say "well, see you around sometime, bye"I like you a lot, because of that. If I go away, I send you a postcard too.And I like you because, if we go away together. And if we are in Grand Central Station and if I get lost, then you are the one that is yelling for me.And I like you because when I am feeling sad, you don't always try to cheer me up right away. Sometimes it is better to be sad. You can't stand the others being so goodly and gaggly every single minute. You want to think about things. It takes time. I like you because if I am mad at you, then you are mad at me too. It's awful when the other person isn't. They are so nice and hoo-hoo you could just about punch them in the nose. I like you because if I think I am going to throw up then you are really sorry. You don't just pretend you are busy looking at the birdies and all that. You say maybe it was something you ate. You say "the same thing happened to be one time" and the same thing did. If you find two four-leaf clovers, you give me one. If I find four, I give you two. If we find three, we keep looking. Sometimes we have good luck. And sometimes we don't. If I break me arm and if you break your arm too, then it is fun to have a broken arm. I tell you about mine and you tell me about yours. We are both sorry. We write our names and draw pictures. We show everybody and they wish they had a broken arm too. I like you because I don't know why but everything that happens is nicer with you. I can't remember when I didn't like you...It must have been lonesome then. I like you because because because I forget why I like you but I do. So many reasons. On the Fourth of July I like you because it's the Fourth of July. On the Fifth of July, I like you too. If you and I had some drums and some horns and some horses, if we had some hats and some flags and some fire-engines. We could be a HOLIDAY! We could be a CELEBRATION! We could be a WHOLE PARADE! Even if it was the nine-hundred-and-ninety-ninth of July, Even if it was August. Even if it was way down at the bottom of November. I would go one choosing you, and you would go on choosing me. Over and over again. That's how it would happen every time. I don't know why. I guess I don't know why I like you, really. Why do I like you? I guess I just like you, I guess I just like you. Because I like you


"Bring peace to the lost lambs, give rest to the fangs of the wolf, and deliver punishment to the demon."– Chrono Crusade


How quick are you?



I am:
True Neutral

True Neutral- A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.


You Are A:
True Neutral Human Ranger/Sorcerer (1st/1st Level)

Ability Scores:
Strength- 14
Dexterity- 14
Constitution- 12
Intelligence- 12
Wisdom- 12
Charisma- 11

Alignment:
True Neutral-A true neutral character does what seems to be a good idea. He doesn't feel strongly one way or the other when it comes to good vs. evil or law vs. chaos. Most true neutral characters exhibit a lack of conviction or bias rather than a commitment to neutrality. Such a character thinks of good as better than evil after all, he would rather have good neighbors and rulers than evil ones. Still, he's not personally committed to upholding good in any abstract or universal way. Some true neutral characters, on the other hand, commit themselves philosophically to neutrality. They see good, evil, law, and chaos as prejudices and dangerous extremes. They advocate the middle way of neutrality as the best, most balanced road in the long run. True neutral is the best alignment you can be because it means you act naturally, without prejudice or compulsion. However, true neutral can be a dangerous alignment when it represents apathy, indifference, and a lack of conviction.

Race:
Humansare the most adaptable of the common races. Short generations and a penchant for migration and conquest have made them physically diverse as well. Humans are often unorthodox in their dress, sporting unusual hairstyles, fanciful clothes, tattoos, and the like.

Primary Class:
Rangers-Rangers are skilled stalkers and hunters who make their home in the woods. Their martial skill is nearly the equal of the fighter, but they lack the latter's dedication to the craft of fighting. Instead, the ranger focuses his skills and training on a specific enemy a type of creature he bears a vengeful grudge against and hunts above all others. Rangers often accept the role of protector, aiding those who live in or travel through the woods. His skills allow him to move quietly and stick to the shadows, especially in natural settings, and he also has special knowledge of certain types of creatures. Finally, an experienced ranger has such a tie to nature that he can actually draw on natural power to cast divine spells, much as a druid does, and like a druid he is often accompanied by animal companions. A ranger's Wisdom score should be high, as this determines the maximum spell level that he can cast.

Secondary Class:
Sorcerers- Sorcerers are arcane spellcasters who manipulate magic energy with imagination and talent rather than studious discipline. They have no books, no mentors, no theories just raw power that they direct at will. Sorcerers know fewer spells than wizards do and acquire them more slowly, but they can cast individual spells more often and have no need to prepare their incantations ahead of time. Also unlike wizards, sorcerers cannot specialize in a school of magic. Since sorcerers gain their powers without undergoing the years of rigorous study that wizards go through, they have more time to learn fighting skills and are proficient with simple weapons. Charisma is very important for sorcerers; the higher their value in this ability, the higher the spell level they can cast.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Duc2evokmAo


Madhouse, a 40k oneshot

By nuts of spacbattles.

NURGLE

Hello, friend.

Easy there, boy; I won’t kick you. Looks like you’ve been kicked enough in this life. Those are some impressive sores on your back; do you mind if I touch ‘em?

See, I’m a collector of sorts. Some men collect trophies, or scars, or other useless trinkets. Me? I collect stories.

I take those moments of distilled misery, that sheer human pain and despair, and I remember ‘em. Not to tell - never to tell, not to those who can't understand - but to preserve those moments in all their ragged splendor. I hold moments of dark despair, of dying men praying for their dead as the hull breaches give way. I’ve hoarded some cleaner stories, of suicides and overdoses and dark spots in the bright light. I’ve even kept one that...well, perhaps another time.

I suspect you've got quite a story to tell, friend. Your clothes are high-quality beneath the grime, and your frame’s far too filled-out for you to be an underhiver's brat. A merchant’s son, perhaps? Ah ah ah, not with that look on your face. A noble’s son, then, dressed up like a clockwork doll to lead this crumbling world on for another day. Did you really think any of those lies would amount to anything, silly boy? Yet now all the illusions have come crashing down, until all you’re left with is that ridiculous hunk of metal.

The Imperial aquila? Hah, I’d sooner fear my own arse than a chunk of gold carved like a bird. The corpse-king’s held no power for ten thousand years, friend, and I don’t see him in this sorry excuse of a sewer down here. Do you see his Angels of Death flying for you on wings of flame? Maybe his holy - hah, 'holy' - Inquisitors will purge the darkness clean? Here's a hint, boy: they aren't coming.

There's no God-Emperor. Never was one. There was a man once, who fought powers far beyond his ken, and he lost - a bit like your story, yes? Only thing is, that man’s dead. There’s no fixing death.

Aye, and there’s the rub. You don’t know if you want that. You've been so broken down, so beaten and abused by those horrible light-dwellers that you can’t even wish for a proper death! Look at them, healthy and happy and hopeful! Look at those bastards, before the lies are stripped away and they’re face-first in the gutter! Look at yourself, boy - in the end, they’ll all be like us.

I’m here to tell you that there’s another way. Those whoresons up there were never fond of you, and there’s no Emperor to save your little soul, but there is someone out there who loves you. There’s a Power who will care for you, who just aches to give you His gifts and to cover you with His love. He’ll keep you and tend you, use your strength to save others, and in time He’ll unite this whole rotten planet in glorious despair.

So let me propose a trade, boy: a story, for a story. You tell me your tale, and I’ll tell you mine, and here in this dark I’ll tell you how to live through the night.

Deal?

"Pain? Pain is good, boy. Pain brings you closer to the Lord of Decay!

Did you expect me to coddle you with silks, like those Slaaneshi ingrates? Did you believe that I would rescue you from reality?

This sewer, this rot and decay, this is truth. The shining towers of your old home are illusions, mere shadows before the march of time. You thought that your family loved you? You believed that your manservant cared for you? Who do you think cast you into this muck?

Go ahead, boy. Cry. Those feeble, illusive ties between mortals cannot sustain reality's decay. Cast away family and friends, for Nurgle's great family welcomes you! Only the Great Corruptor's all-abiding love is permanent; only by supplicating Him and trusting in Him can we be made stronger.

Look at this beautiful disease, this glorious contagion! Truly, you are a vessel for His great works! Either rise to endure this, like all true things must endure, or be cast down to be reborn as a Bearer of Nurgle's Rot!

What did you "hope" for? Did you plan to abuse His great love to your own ends? Did you scheme to betray me once I had rescued you from this mire? You verge on Tzeentchian heresy, boy! Leave aside your hopes and desires, for such feeble emotions are meaningless next to the power and endurance you shall receive.

Look at this incredible incubator, this engine of decay! You see only a humble backed-up sewer, but I see a hive-wide plague in the making! A chance to spread rot to the underclasses, then slowly up and up the spires to cast down these people's false idols and to bring true worship in its place!

For you, dear boy, you serve a great role in this plan. I had thought to merely use your body as a vessel for a new Plaguebearer, but the whispers have told me otherwise. Feel your new gifts creeping underneath your skin, changing flesh and bone into power and strength. Did you think that I wallowed in this despair merely out of worship? I am stronger than any Arbites, and as tough as an Angel of Death! Follow me, my boy, and perhaps you shall be too.

For you, a member of House Brandt, know the secret pathways to the central spire. I am no Keeper of Secrets; I trouble myself with the lost and destitute, not forbidden knowledge. Yet you can still pass as a lowly mortal, as one not yet blessed by His gifts, and you shall bring this glorious despair to the highest ranks of the corpse-worshippers.

Rise, scion of Nurgle. Feel the power given to you by accepting despair, and spread this gift to others. You will receive no welcome outside of others in our great family, yet you shall not need such trifles. Nurgle loves you; that is enough.

Now go.

MALAL

You're probably wondering why I'm about to shoot you, General.

Had this been twenty years ago, it would have been as revenge for my brother you so casually killed. Had I blown your brains out a decade ago, it would have been to prevent another Tyrellian Massacre.

Today?

Today I just don't give a fuck.

*BLAM*

Quit whining, you! It's just a leg wound. These worthless laspistols cauterize their own damn wounds, too. Now, where was I?

I don't know exactly when I stopped giving a damn. Perhaps it was after feeding yet another bright young adjutant to your tame beasts, or putting up yet another scapegoat in front of a firing squad. It horrified me at first, though it numbed over time. Eventually, though - eventually I learned to like it. I loved watching those hopes and dreams of escaping the Fenrisian wolves end in teeth and blood, and I had to stifle a giggle as I listened to those innocent men swear the honest truth as I hung them high. Life is a game, General, and you taught me how to flip the board. So congratulations, I suppose! I am the product of your concerted incompetence.

Now, you might be asking yourself, "if she doesn't care, why do anything at all?" You see, there is one thing I do care about, General, and that's everyone else. I hate seeing your silly rages and depressions, your hopes and pleasures, and I just want to see 'em burn. I'm a schoolyard bully at heart; I won't be happy until all your little toys and schemes are broken and shattered into smoke and flame.

Speaking of which, I really should've set off the armory charges several minutes ago. There! Much better.

You may hate me now, General, but understand this: I hate myself more than I hate you. I hate everything, from those little scurrying ants outside to the headless groxes running around inside your command center. In fact, while I'm still talking about those men...there, much better. The combat servitors should keep a spring in their steps, I think.

I don't want blood, or rage, or pleasure or hope. I just want the whole thing to come crashing down, and maybe to be the one who throws the match. I've found a new boss, you see, one who thinks much the same way. He doesn't tell me to give sacrifices, or to wave incense under hunks of rock, or even to burn and maim and kill. The Lost One simply tells me to have fun, and I do. I've enjoyed my time here, General, and it's time for me to bring my fun to the rest of your little Crusade.

Now, where did I put that promethium?

TZEENTCH

What I'm about to tell you is a complete lie.

I kid, of course. What ignorant rube would tell a complete lie? Unless you're hoping to one-up your fellows, in which case then lie your sorry pants off, me boy.

Hey! That tickles! Inquisitor, would you kindly send your pet torturer away to get his jollies off by stabbing the Devourer's minions? You and I can leave such trifles as physical pain aside.

What? Pain as pleasure? I leave such decadence for the Prince of Excess and his foolish followers. No, Inquisitor, I merely ignore pain because I see a far greater goal in sight.

Of course, perhaps I'm lying. Actually, that's a lie - you know that I'm fibbing, me boy. What you've yet to find is the particulars of me little plots.

Should I tell you about that little logic-daemon which me fellows put into the Administratum's servers below us? Heh, 'below' us, get it? An entire sub-sector's records, turned into a daemon of little-c chaos to hide many a greater plan...hmm, perhaps I should get on that.

What if I shared me story about the underhiver revolt we've been stirring up? You know that the dearly departed Lord Governor wasn't that...hrm, 'well-liked,' shall we say. But what about those small-scale riots he encouraged to frighten his nobles with? Ever wonder where those underhiver rabble managed to get their hands on heavy stubbers?

You see, Inquisitor, the truth is in my spit which landed on your Interrogator seventy-three seconds ago - and on a few anonymous crewmen several hours previously. Your Navy's quarantine protocols are sound, and the local Navy is competent enough to choke out an infestation of Nurgle's Rot before it infects the entire sub-sector's fleets. Of course, with this battleship's higher-level crews badly depleted, wherever shall you get more crewman than from the noblemens' brats down below?

Defeat us? Inquisitor, you are us. Every man who dreams of a better life serves the Lord of Lies. Every lie, every conspiracy, every human scheming to get ahead strengthens Him. A Guardsman praying for a happier tomorrow offers up far more sincere worship than me withered old ass in me secluded chambers.

And the greatest secret of all is this: we're really on your side. The dedicated believers of Tzeentch, we devoted followers of the Architect of Fate - we're humanitarians. Humanity needs us, just like we need humanity. Your Imperium is an old, rotting structure standing in the way of true progress; you worship and strengthen the Lord of Decay just by existing!

So go ahead, Inquisitor. Me fellows have already got our plans in motion to cut the sub-sector away from your corruption, to let humanity advance and conquer the stars like it was always meant to. We'll see mankind free or die trying.

Or perhaps I'm just trying to one-up me fellows.

Tee hee!

KHORNE

You ever killed a man, meat?

Yer fancy Navy guns an' shite've probably shed more blood than I'll ever take, but I kin see it in yer eyes, meat - yeh ain't blooded yet.

C'mon, meat. Mayhaps I'll kill you in a bit, but I don't prefer ta kill somethin' what ain't properly lived. Take the knife. TAKE IT!

TAKE IT, YAH SHITEHEAD!

USE IT! FECKIN' USE IT! KILL ME!

BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD! BLOOD!

Yeh can't, can yeh? That's why yer meat, 'stead of a man. A man kin kill, easy as meat like you breathes. A man kin cut, an' slice, an' bring out the blood tah the surface.

Lookit it. Lookit yer blood. LOOK AT IT.

That's truth. Ain't no point to this shitehole, or any shitehole out there. Ain't no point ta wealth, or in-flew-ince, or family, or all that shite. Just blood.

See it? 'S in everything - even Iron Men got blood of a sorts. 'S power there, comin' from yer throat to me. Yeh can have all the money in this 'verse, but I kin shed yer blood. Now, who's the one with power here?

I'm gonna kill yeh, meat. I'm gonna rip yer skull from yer neck, an' bring it ta the God of Blood, an' I'll take the one thing that matters in all this 'verse. An' yeh ain't gonna stop me, are yeh? Meat, yer gonna sit there with that dumb-shite look on yer face, an' hope an' pray that I'll let yeh live, even as I tell yeh right now.

Used ta pray, meself. Used ta ask the Emperor, up on his golden pisser, ta come save me from the Maelstrom's slave pens. Me friends got taken, an' I prayed. Me family got taken, an' I prayed. Then they came fer me, an' I knew the Emperor wouldn't do shite. So I tried it a little diff'rent, an' when I prayed with axe an' knife 'stead of words an' cryin, seems like I got answered real quick.

So now, meat, I'm gonna make another prayer.

Huh. Ya know, it don't feel too different from this end.

How are yeh, my man? Don't cry; DON'T YOU FECKIN' DISRESPECT THIS! Yeh ain't meat no more; don't you dare feckin' forget it.

Ain't any point to living. All of us, from the Gods ta us mortals, all of us're gonna die. Sooner or later, come your time too, an' yeh'll be down here instead.

Don't that make yeh angry? Ay, me man, I kin see it in yer eyes. Yer angry; hell, why shouldn't yeh be? We done killed yer ship, we killed yer mates, an' soon me mates'll kill yeh too. Don't yeh feel some feckin' RAGE?

When they come fer yeh, I want yeh ta respect 'em good. Respect yerself, too - yer a man now, so act like it. Make 'em work fer it, ta shed yer blood an' take yer bones.

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! SKULLS FOR HIS THRO-

SLAANESH

Hush, you silly man. Yes, you’re dying, your seed is spilling out blah de blah de blah-ENOUGH! Can’t you give me some proper moaning and groaning? I’m not asking for much here!

Every nobleman I kill, every single one, they always blubber about ‘how this could possibly happen.’ Really, darling, did you actually think that the “stunningly beautiful specimen” - my thanks for that compliment, by the way - at your doorstep would just meekly walk in, without an agenda surrounding her? Can’t you just relax and enjoy the sheer artistry of this moment?

I made a real effort on this one, darling, I really did. The timing, the poise, the sheer majesty of death in the throes of life - but you ruined it! Ruined my beautiful, glorious art! Couldn’t you have finished properly, at your appointed time, to fit with the rest of the ritual? But noooo, you just had to keep going, and how the Daemonettes have probably fecked off to wherever else the Warp takes ‘em.

This whole planet, I swear - it’s grinding on me. Those Nurglite degenerates below, Khornate raiders above, some Inquisitor causing trouble with his black ships - it’s enough to drive a girl to madness, I tell you! Why, today I nearly let myself get scraped: this priceless porcelain skin, almost marred through sheer stupidity! Your guards really needed to touch up on their close-combat training, by the way; had you not been part of the ritual, I might have even trained them myself. There was one, name of Melody, I think; mmmm, she looked positively tasty...

Hmph. All’s well that ends well, at least. This’ll hardly grab what I was hoping for, but a few Daemonettes in your little gala below should still do the trick. M’Lord Governor, you really shouldn’t have brought all of your noble houses together for such a tasty, delectable gathering; didn’t you ever hear the saying “an orgy a day keeps the Imperials away?” Oh, right, you’re probably wishing for a corpse-worshipper or two right now.

Ahhhhh...that took you long enough, silly man. It also took an injection of some very choice drugs that I was saving for later - another little insult to hold against you. Couldn’t you have brought me some proper pleasure? It’s all I’m asking for in this worthless reality - just a little fun and happiness, some silks, amesac, a few good knives, a good array of targets...hrm, perhaps I’ll have to think on that more. Of course, with the favors I’ll gain from this, I should have more than a few pleasures to enjoy. It should definitely make the coming Exterminatus much nicer - so long as I’m watching it from a departing passenger liner, of course.

Why? Why kill you? Why summon daemons from your corpse? Why gut your planetary government in a stunning, beautiful orgy of bloodletting, overlaying a right old-fashioned Imperial orgy, to send your whole hive-city into the soft arms of the Prince of Pleasure? WHY?

Why not?

IMPERIAL

Faith.

I don't know when you gave it up, lost child. Were you never loved when you were young? Did a woman spurn you, or did the system beat you down? What hardships drove you, controlled you, until you came before me today?

It's hard to keep faith when I see children like you, broken and despoiled, then tossed aside when their purpose is finished. Oh yes, my boy, you're hardly the first ringleader I've seen down here, and you might yet not be the last. You’re full of fire and fury, just like all the ones before, but you and I both know that it’s a hollow feeling. There’s a faith-sized hole in your heart, and no amount of Warp-spawn will fill it.

You don’t have faith in the Imperium. You don’t have faith in your fellow man. You can’t even believe in love, or hope, or joy and despair that doesn’t come from an alien abomination. You can’t see the ocean of corruption, yet you’re drowning in it. You’re lost in the wilderness, little child, and only you and the Emperor can know how deep you’ve sunk.

Other lost children have asked me why I stay. Minister of a sad little church, shepard of a tiny flock, drowning in the greed and corruption from above - I’m just one man. I stand here fighting a battle already lost, with the hive in flames, the Governor and his cronies dead, and the black ships standing watch above. Perhaps there is no point to this mad universe; mayhaps it truly is a galaxy spinning adrift from rhyme or reason.

Yet the Emperor, for all his power, was just one man. Horus the Betrayer, Saint Sebastian Thor, and even humble Ollanius Pius were all just men. You are one man, as am I. Each of us may be saints or sinners, as we make of the lives given us.

I look at you, strong in Warp-borne mutations and diseases, and all I can see is weakness. You were so frail that when hardship bore down on you, and when this harsh reality sunk its claws in, you bargained your immortal soul away for relief from a little pain. Your physical strength cannot hide your spiritual weakness: where better men stood fast and died proudly, you sold out your Emperor and your fellow man for your worthless life.

So come on, lost children. We’ve all made our choices, and now those choices have made us. I shall bring you into His light with cleansing flame and prayers, and redeem us all in death. Come one or come all, you shall not put a foot into this hallowed ground while I still draw breath.

For I have faith, and that is enough.


Just when you thought you'd heard it all...

Punography:

·I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

·When chemists die, they barium.

·Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

·I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

·How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

·I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

·This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

·I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

·I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words .

·They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

·A dyslexic man walks into a bra .

·PMS jokes aren't funny, period.

·Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

·Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory-- I hope there's no pop quiz.

·The Energizer bunny arrested and charged with battery.

·The old man didn't like his beard at first. Then it grew on him.

·Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

·When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

·What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

·I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

·Broken pencils are pointless.

·What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

·England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

·I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

·All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

·I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

·Velcro - what a rip off!

·Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

·Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

·Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

·I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.


>Sent to me from friends

the last ride

I arrived at the address and honked the horn. After waiting a few minutes I honked again.
> Since this was going to be my last ride of my shift I thought about just driving away, but instead I put the car in park and walked up to the door and knocked.. 'Just a minute', answered a frail, elderly voice.
> I could hear something being dragged across the floor.
> After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90's stood before me. She was wearing a
> print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940's movie.
> By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
> There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils
> on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
> 'Would you carry my bag out to the car?' she said.
> I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman.
> She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
> She kept thanking me for my kindness. 'It's nothing', I told her.. 'I just try to treat my passengers
> the way I would want my mother to be treated.'
> 'Oh, you're such a good boy, she said. When we got in the cab, she gave
> me an address and then asked, 'Could you drive through downtown?'
> 'It's not the shortest way,' I answered quickly..
> 'Oh, I don't mind,' she said. 'I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice.
> I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. 'I don't have any family left,' she continued in a soft
> voice..' The doctor says I don't have very long.' I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
> 'What route would you like me to take?' I asked.
> For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me
> the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
> We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were
> newlyweds She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that
> had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
> Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and
> would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
> As the first hint of sun was
> creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, 'I'm tired. Let's go now'.
> We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building,
> like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
> Two orderlies came out to
> the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were
> solicitous and intent, watching her every move.
> They must have been expecting her.
> I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to
> the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
> 'How much do I owe you?' She asked, reaching into her purse.
> 'Nothing,' I said
> 'You have to make a living,' she answered.
> 'There are other passengers,' I responded.
> Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
> 'You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,' she said. 'Thank you.'
> I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning
> light.. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life..
> I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove
> aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?
> On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.
> We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments.
> But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully
> wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
> PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID BUTTHEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER
> HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
> At the bottom of this great story was a request
> to forward this - I deleted that request because if you have read
> to this point, you won't have to be asked to pass it along
> you just will...Thank you, my friend...
> Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we
> are here we might as well dance.


An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12

gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ... but ... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

Don't be arrogant.
*
Don't waste ammunition.
*
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*
Always make sure you know who is in control.
*
And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?


Dawn of War quotes

  • A good soldier obeys without question. A good officer commands without doubt.
  • Blessed is the mind too small for doubt.
  • To admit defeat is to blaspheme against the Emperor.
  • For those who seek perfection there can be no rest on this side of the grave.
  • The difference between heresy and treachery is ignorance.
  • Knowledge is power, guard it well.
  • An open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and unguarded.
  • Innocence proves nothing.
  • Success is commemorated; Failure merely remembered.
  • Even a man who has nothing can still offer his life.
  • Only in death does duty end.
  • No man died in His service that died in vain.
  • Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.
  • There is no such thing as innocence, only degrees of guilt.
  • Beginning reform is beginning revolution.
  • Educate men without faith and you but make them clever devils.
  • Success is measured in blood; yours or your enemys.
  • The man who has nothing can still have faith.
  • Burn the heretic. Kill the mutant. Purge the unclean.
  • It is better to die for the Emperor than to live for yourself.
  • Fear denies faith.
  • Foolish are those who fear nothing, yet claim to know everything.
  • Brave are they who know everything yet fear nothing.
  • Happiness is a delusion of the weak.
  • All souls call out for salvation.
  • Life is the Emperor's currency, spend it well.
  • A suspicious mind is a healthy mind.
  • Cowards die in shame.
  • Faith without deeds is worthless.
  • True Happiness stems only from Duty.
  • The blood of martyrs is the seed of the Imperium.
  • Heresy grows from idleness.
  • There is only the Emperor, and he is our shield and protector.
  • Truth is Subjective.
  • Damnation is Eternal.
  • Know the Mutant; Kill the Mutant.
  • To Question is to doubt.
  • He who keeps silent consents.
  • Prayer cleanses the soul, Pain cleanses the body.
  • Death by thy Compass.
  • Zeal is its own Excuse.
  • Work earns Salvation.
  • Without him there is nothing.
  • Only the Emperor is all.
  • Hatred is the emperor's greatest gift to humanity.
  • Victory needs no explanation, defeat allows none.
  • A small mind is easily filled with faith.
  • Character quotesSpace Marines

  • For the Emperor! - General battle cry
  • Space Marines, ATTACK! - General battle cry
  • Cleanse, Purge, KILL! - Tactical Marine battle cry
  • I will destroy their minds and burn their bodies - Librarian
  • An open mind is like a fortress with its gates unbarred and unguarded - Librarian
  • Walk softly, and carry a big gun - Force Commander
  • What would you have me do? - Force Commander
  • The Emperor guides my blade - Grey Knight battle cry
  • NONE CAN WITHSTAND OUR FAITH! - Chaplain
  • He who stands with me shall be my brother. - Force Commander
  • Chaos

  • Do you hear the voices, too? - Chaos Space Marines
  • For the Dark Gods! - Generic battle cry
  • I am destruction incarnate! - Daemon prince
  • Despair, for I am the end of days - Daemon Prince
  • The reign of the false Emperor is over at last - Daemon Prince
  • Who are you to order me, fool? - Daemon Prince
  • MAIM KILL BURN! MAIM KILL BURN! - Khorne Berzerkers
  • Blood for the Blood God! - Khorne Berzerkers
  • Don't think you can order me around - Khorne Berzerkers
  • Sanity is for the weak! - Aspiring Champion (Cultist or Chaos Space Marine Squad leader)

  • Night Haunter

    "By reason. By truth. I have learned how your hearts and minds function. With that lore, I brought peace to this culture."

    "--At the cost of freedom."

    "Peace reigns, as I reign. I wouldn't expect your to understand. You are a little man, with little dreams."

    "--You've ushered in the peace of the graveyard. Peace, at the cost of surrendering all choice, all freedom. The city lies in terror, forced to live by the standards you place upon our shoulder."

    "Yes...yes."

    "--But every sin...is punished, but punished by death, no matter the crime. No matter the scale of the sin. The people of the city live in silence, lest a single word earn them death for speaking out against you.

    "Yes. Listen. Listen to the sound of raw silence. Is it not serene?"

    - Night Haunter addressing a gathering of Nostraman nobles


    Be polite, be respectful, be powerful, be honorable. Keep your promises, attack no one without just cause, and always give people a chance to surrender before you attack them for no reason whatsoever. Build cordial relationships among your fellow immortals and near-immortals. Don't anger Bolas without good reason. Don't lie, cheat, or steal. Announce your goals and intentions openly, and stick to them.

    Never betray trust given to you. This is the singular edict that will seperate you from the more monstrous users of black mana. We tend to be unwelcome in most places on general principle; the faster you establish a reputation as an upstanding person, the sooner you will be able to avoid the awkward glances of mistrust from most other Planeswalkers.

    And finally, never dabble in blue magic. No matter how friendly or fair or honorable you are, if others see you as a blue mana user, they will always wonder- are you maipulating them? Are you reading their secrets or making them like you? The easiest way to avoid that problem is to avoid blue mana entirely. A Black mana user is always more welcome than a Blue mana user, in general. You tend to know what to expect, however powerful. No one will ever completely trust a blue mage, and trust is a priceless commodity to be harvested wherever it can be.


    "I love you, Jim. You're my son, and I always will love you. I used to think I could also say, 'I'll always be proud of you.' But I can't honestly say that anymore. You're walking down a dark path, Jim. A path I never could have forseen for you, and one I simply cannot respect. We love you, but we can't take your money. That's blood money, Son, and that's not how you were raised. Do you remember what I used to tell you, Son? A man is what he chooses to be. It's not how he's born, or how he's raised, that makes the man. It's his choices. Right now, you're choosing to walk down a dark path I can't condone. But a man can turn his life around with a single thought, a single decision. You can always choose to be something new. Never forget that."

    - Trace Raynor's final message to his son


    Life before death, strength before weakness, journey before destination

  • Life before death - The Radiant seeks to defend life, always. He never kills unnecessarily, and never risks his own life for frivolous reasons. Living is harder than dying. The Radiant's duty is to live.
  • Strength before weakness - All men are weak at some time in their lives. The Radiant protects those who are weak, and uses his strength for others. Strength does not make one capable of rule; it makes one capable of service.
  • Journey before destination - There are always several ways to achieve a goal. Failure is preferable to winning through unjust means. Protecting ten innocents is not worth killing one. In the end, all men die. How you lived will be far more important to the Almighty than what you accomplished.
  • I will unite instead of divide. I will bring men together.

    Code of War

    Readiness- The officer will be prepared at all times for battle. Never drunken on wine, never without his weapon.

    Inspiration- The officer will wear his uniform when in public, to look ready for war and to give strength to his troops.

    Restraint- The officer will refrain from needless duels, arguments or squabbles with other officers in camp, to prevent injury to men who may be needed to command.

    Leadership- The officer will require no action of his soldiers that he would not be willing to perform himself.

    Honor- The officer will not abandon allies on the field, nor will he seek to profit from the loss of his allies.

    Interpretation

    “Never ask of your men a sacrifice you wouldn’t make yourself. Never make them fight in conditions you would refuse to fight in yourself. Never ask a man to perform an act you wouldn’t soil your own hands doing.”

    —Dalinar's interpretation of the codes[1]


    Normal 0 false false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE

    Quotes

    Borderlands

    Psycho prior to the art change

  • Ahh, another victim!
  • Another walking meat puppet!
  • Come closer, I can almost smell you.
  • Another slave! To feed me.
  • Blood! Blood! BLOOD!
  • I wonder what your face, would look like on mine. (reference to Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
  • I'll take pleasure in guttin' you... boy. (reference to the movie The Rock)
  • I'm gonna eat you when I'm done!
  • I'm gonna rip off your arm and beat your baby with it!
  • I'm gonna skin ya, put on your face, and say Hi to your momma!
  • I'm gonna squeeze you 'til you bleed blood
  • It's time, ahahahaha, for another pound of flesh!
  • It's time for my pound of flesh! Hahahahahaha! (reference to the play The Merchant of Venice by William Shakespeare)
  • It's time to paint this body with blood!
  • Just three more steps, and I got me dinner.
  • Keep walkin', keeeep walkin'.
  • Look boys! Its some fresh meat!
  • MORE! More meat for me!
  • No, don't run away, I need your face! (Another reference of Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre)
  • Strip the flesh, salt the wound! (maniacal laughter)
  • Time to play! Time to play! (reference to the movie "Child's Play")
  • Time to pound... some meat puppies! (actual word is "puppet" not "puppies")
  • Why don't you come over here, I got a little present for you!
  • Yeah that's right..Closer! Closer!
  • Yes, Yes, YES! It's dinner time!
  • You remind me of my mother... I ate my mother. (reference to movie The Dark Knight)
  • Borderlands 2

    Normal

  • I can still taste her lovely sweat-box, she fed me such tears of ecstasy.
  • Liar! I ripped out her bumpy tummy and her hot screams were for me!
  • NO! Mommy bled for us both! She bled for us both!
  • Another story to sing to the cages at home!
  • Bring me a bucket, and I'll show you a bucket!
  • Come to me, my pasty cake!
  • Flavor me fancy, but you really put the pants in panting!
  • I can't wait to take your picture!
  • I love you!
  • I'm gonna beat you to life!
  • I need another head for my merry-go-round - YOURS IS PERFECT!
  • I wonder if I plant you in the ground, if you'll grow taller?
  • I made finger pizza just for you!
  • I made you a salad, outta worms!
  • I'm... gonna choke and stroke your lifeless body!
  • I'm gonna floss my teeth... with your face!
  • I'm gonna make hammocks, from your eye lids!
  • I plucked a hair from the head of a dying baby! Let me give it to you!
  • It's inside me! IT'S INSIDE ME!
  • It's time for the meat puppet!
  • It's time for THREE pounds of flesh!
  • Lick and scream, and pee! I'm COMING to make you teeth!!!
  • Let's agree to disagree!
  • Look into my eyes when I stare at you!
  • Look at me when I'm charging at you!
  • Mommy dearest was the clearest until she lost her bearing, now she's rusted, and is busted, and out of sight and hearing!
  • O, that this too too solid flesh would melt, Thaw and resolve itself into a dew! Or that the Everlasting had not fix'd His canon against self-slaughter! O God! God! How weary, stale, flat and unprofitable, Seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on't, ah fie, 'tis an unweeded garden, That grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature Possess it merely. That it should come to this! But two months dead, nay not so much, not two, So excellent a king, that was, to this Hyperion to a satyr, so loving to my mother That he might not beteem the wings of heaven Visit her face too roughly. Heaven and earth, Must I remember? Why, she would hang on him, As if the increase of appetite had grown By what it fed on; and yet within a month - Let me think not on't; frailty, thy name is woman - A little month, or ere these shoes were old With which she followed my poor father's body Like Niobe, all tears, why she, even she - O God, a beast that wants discourse of reason Would have mourned longer - married with my uncle, My father's brother, but no more like my father Than I to Hercules. Within a month, Ere yet the salt of most unrighteous tears Had left the flushing in her gall'd eyes, She married. O, most wicked speed, to post With such dexterity to incestuous sheets! It is not, nor it cannot come to good. But break my heart, for I must hold my tongue. (Too Solid Flesh soliloquy from Hamlet)
  • The meat puppies, they come to the slaughter, like children to an ice cream truck!
  • They told me to bring a pail lunch... you look pale enough to me!!
  • This is prison and we're the guys in the shower!
  • Wear your face like a condom!
  • What does it all mean!?
  • Will you marrow me?
  • You smell like my little girl!
  • You're a feast of eyes and piss in all this bliss!
  • Organic or bust!
  • My mommy's gonna be so mad!
  • You're gonna be my new meat bicycle!
  • My mom looked at me that way, too!
  • Mom always said to be thorough...
  • Here it comes, big boy!
  • Why will no one play with me?!
  • I'm the one who knocks!
  • Foreskin hats for my puppets!
  • Another slave (laughter) to feed me!
  • (laughter) For France!
  • You can't kill me! I'm already dead tomorrow!
  • I've got the neeeed to seeeed!
  • STOP LOOKING AT ME!
  • WHY ARE YOU YELLING?!
  • NO NEED TO SHOUT!
  • Another walking meat puppet!
  • I can see Uranus from here! Hahahahaha!
  • Get ready for bad touch!
  • A flower? For meeee?
  • Drop-kick your babies!
  • I AM IMMORTAL!
  • I like my victims like I like my coffee... in the butt!
  • Unforgivable! UNFORGIVABLE!
  • You sat in my swing! NOW I'M GOING TO EAT YOU!!
  • It's meat puppet master theatre!
  • I can hear with my teeth!
  • SEEEEEEMEEENNNN!!
  • French me, mommy!
  • I wanna play! Just play with me!
  • (laughter) It's time! (laughter) for a good old fashioned slap and crap!
  • Garters for guts!
  • Guts for garters!
  • I'll never stop, until they flop!
  • The sweet songs of sausage stumps will fill my days!
  • Your dirty sausage dog won't touch me!
  • Just a drop! On my tongue!
  • Slurp it! Drink it! Eat it! (sniff) Smell it!
  • I'll feed your skin snacks to my cockatiel!
  • Slap the Pancakes!!
  • Start the clock! I'm going to count every minute I get with you...
  • Eyes like grapes. Delicious!
  • Attacking

  • Bam!
  • Karate chop!
  • Kung-fu!
  • Seeeemen!
  • Taking critical damage

  • Ouchie-wowchies!
  • Oh God, oh God!
  • The worst!
  • Peaches!
  • Inconceivable!
  • Oh, sweet Marcus!
  • Pleasure in pain!
  • ENDOOORPHINS!
  • EXTREME!
  • Pluto's not a planet!
  • No! GOOOOD... No! GOOOOD!
  • No, more diapers!
  • Sugar meals!
  • Low health

  • Gimme my hit points back!
  • I'm sorry, mommy... I'm sorry!
  • Gotta get my hands...around...your throat
  • I just...need...a new toe from you
  • Elemental damage

  • Slag
  • I need a powerful woman! Right now!
  • Hit me!
  • Mommy! Where are you?!
  • Ohh, spankings!
  • I'm ready for prom! Heheheh...
  • This is not organic!
  • Even... more endorphins!
  • Feels good, man!
  • Vault Hunter retreating

  • Come back soon!
  • Don't run away! I need your face!
  • Pussy! Pussypussypussypussypussy pussy!
  • Where's the kitty?
  • Wait! Come back! I won't eat you! Really!
  • Hahahaha! Ruuuun!
  • I see you!
  • You can hide, but you can't run! Pussy!
  • Ally reactions

  • Goliath - Helmet shot off
  • I think he's gonna play xylophone with my spinal cord!
  • Bang-bang leads to smash-smash!
  • Every time you shoot its head, another puppet loses its skin!
  • Unleash her!
  • Unleash the orgasm!
  • Goliath - Raged
  • Another playmate!
  • Time for playtime!
  • Got my friend back!
  • Time for a sleepover!
  • Goliath - Skill level
  • Too much friendship!
  • Mom says I can't see you!
  • Bad friend! Such a bad friend!
  • Nomad - Killed
  • I'm free!
  • Mommy's not home! I can find another animal to skin!
  • Bye-bye, mommy...
  • I can eat all the kittens now!
  • No more mommy!
  • All the cookies for me! All of them!
  • Come back, mommy!
  • Free of her! Free!
  • I can't wait to cuddle with his corpse!
  • Buzzard - Destroyed
  • Ooohh, a shooting star!
  • It's like a microwave meal!
  • Free lunch!
  • Hot delivery!
  • Fire in the sky!
  • Meteor shower!
  • Rainin' man...
  • FALL FOREVER!
  • Marshmallow cockpit!
  • Ally killed - other
  • Weakness leads to deathness! Hahahaha!
  • That was... my pasty cake!
  • God... dammit! I had it all set up! All set up!
  • Second helpings! Sloppy globs! And melting meat in my mouth!
  • Did I get some on my shoe?!'
  • You killed my twin! Now I will eat you!'
  • He was the only one that knew! But I'll show you, too! Hahahahaha!
  • No one touch that pile! It's mine!
  • I feel like we grew apart since he died!
  • He was going to FEEL ME!
  • You understood... YOU UNDERSTOOD!
  • Vault Hunter killed

  • But you'll miss tea time!
  • High-five! Oh, you're dead. Sorry.
  • If only my mom could see me now...
  • Suicide

  • Don't hate me! I hate me!
  • Don't hate me, mommy!
  • I'm a bad baby!
  • I'M VERY LOUD!
  • It's a cupcake. I swear it's a cupcake!
  • Boom time!
  • Cookies and screams, all topped with cream!
  • Suicide - when about to blow

  • YOLO!
  • Hi!
  • Doink!
  • Smile!
  • Buh-bye!
  • Pushing daisies!
  • Purple nurple!
  • BALLS!
  • Vault Hunter skills

  • Phaselock
  • I can see foreverrrr!
  • I'm home!
  • Is that... Mr. Skaggles? Mr. Skaggles! MR. SKAGGLES! DON'T GO MR. SKAGGLES!
  • Oh, mom... (thumb sucking sounds)
  • Is it time-out again? But... buh-but... MOMMY!!
  • I'm inside... I'M INSIDE ME!
  • Just a lost Psycho in a fish bowl, singing with another head...
  • Dying

  • No, you have a time out...!
  • Never gonna give you up... (Reference to the song Never gonna give you up by Rick Astley)
  • End... quotes... death... gurgle...
  • Bury me upside down! (Reference to a similar quote by Bob Knight)
  • I miss... Mr. Skaggles... He's... licking at my face...
  • I've changed... I'VE CHANGED!
  • It's so... dark and... cold... no, mommy...!
  • I didn't do it!
  • This isn't the last thing I'll say!
  • My words... will ring in your ears for miles!
  • Hurricaaane!
  • I regret nothing!
  • I regret everything!
  • I can't die hungry... just one... step... closer...
  • You'll remember me!
  • My whole life... was a joke...
  • But the cakes we were going to bake...!
  • Carrot juice...
  • Bury me with Teddy...
  • Kitty!
  • My blood... it's salty.
  • Psycho Midget quotes

  • Normal
  • Ahhh! You die!
  • I'ma kill you!
  • I'ma make you die!
  • Midget take you out! Any day!
  • Who wants ice cream cake?! It's mint chocolate chip!
  • You're my new best friend! Now you DIE! Then I'm alone! Why would I do that?!
  • You can't stop the Midge-Midge!
  • Taking damage
  • No no don't do that!
  • Bicycle!
  • Ally's demise
  • Nooooooo!
  • Why you kill him?! He my friend!
  • Vault Hunter Skills
  • Deathtrap
  • AAAAAAHH! Scary robot man!
  • No! Midgey hate robots! AAAAAHH!
  • Never, robot! Never! No assimilate Midge-Midge!
  • Decepti0n
  • Wooooo! He magician!
  • Midge-Midge hire you for birthday!
  • Magic man!
  • Dying
  • (whimpers) I die...
  • Midge-Midge no more...
  • Midge-Midge no final words...
  • At least life lived well...
  • Is this what heaven's like?
  • So cold... so cold... so cold...
  • He like midget too... Waahh...
  • Ahh! Ahh... I see light... and stars...
  • Ohhh, Midge-Midge no more, cry cry...
  • OH GOD! OH GOD!!! (Killed by fire damage)

  • Sort: Category . Published . Updated . Title . Words . Chapters . Reviews . Status .

    Forcibly United by Gaming Ikari reviews
    Bound together by magical bracers, Ranma and Ryouga must go to Roanapur to fix the problem. Unfortunately for them, they'll need money to do it, and they're forced to find work in the city of Roanapur or be stuck together forever!
    Crossover - Ranma & Black Lagoon - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 39 - Words: 102,083 - Reviews: 411 - Favs: 413 - Follows: 389 - Updated: 1h - Published: 9/10/2009
    Vault M2J by M2J MandalorianJedi reviews
    Formerly, The Archive Rejects. A compilation of "M2J" Mandalorian Jedi's ideas that never came to be. Featuring Harry Potter, Naruto and many more! Irregular updates to be expected. Not an actual ficlet, but a palette of ideas to mix things up a bit...
    X-overs - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 99 - Words: 244,233 - Reviews: 416 - Favs: 125 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 4h - Published: 8/31/2007
    Welcome to the club by Malicean reviews
    Still reeling from the revelations at Bespin – and not exactly reassured by Obi-wan's rationalizations and Yoda's last words and subsequent disappearing act – Luke had entered the coordinates for his first jump away from Dagobah more or less blindly. He had promptly come this close to splattering his X-wing all over the SSD Executor's colossal armored underbelly.
    Star Wars - Rated: T - English - Family/Drama - Chapters: 43 - Words: 87,855 - Reviews: 679 - Favs: 471 - Follows: 615 - Updated: 5h - Published: 3/9/2014 - Luke S., Darth Vader, F. Piett, General Veers
    Moments by Treenahasthaal reviews
    A mixture of 100 word drabbles capturing moments in time. Many are series of drabbles with a common story thread. Others are stand alone. Mainly Luke/Vader or a Dark Luke, but also Mara, Han, Leia, Beru, Owen, Palpatine, Obi-Wan, Wedge, et al
    Star Wars - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Angst - Chapters: 90 - Words: 33,312 - Reviews: 336 - Favs: 63 - Follows: 62 - Updated: 12h - Published: 1/31/2009 - Luke S., Darth Vader, Anakin Skywalker, Obi-Wan K.
    The Swarm of War by VexMaster reviews
    A nerd has reincarnated as a Zerg Larva... and now he has been dropped into the Warhammer 40K. There is no time for peace. No Respite. No forgiveness. There is only WAR and the Swarm!
    Crossover - StarCraft & Warhammer - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 65 - Words: 394,839 - Reviews: 1784 - Favs: 1,496 - Follows: 1,420 - Updated: 20h - Published: 6/14/2011
    A Glass of Wine Rebuilt by Toasterman reviews
    Shinji and Asuka learn about themselves and fall in love, causing massive ramifications. A remake of the late 94Saturn's quintessential ShinjixAsuka story, it is part tribute and part experiment, taking the structure and plot of the original wacky shipping story while attempting to maintain series-true characterization.
    Evangelion - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 25,695 - Reviews: 85 - Favs: 119 - Follows: 201 - Updated: 7/31 - Published: 5/31/2014 - Shinji I., Asuka L. S.
    Dreaming of Sunshine by Silver Queen reviews
    Life as a ninja. It starts with confusion and terror and doesn't get any better from there. OC Self-insert
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 94 - Words: 465,130 - Reviews: 7829 - Favs: 7,224 - Follows: 6,949 - Updated: 7/28 - Published: 9/2/2011 - Shikamaru N., Naruto U., OC
    Strangers at Drakeshaugh by Northumbrian reviews
    The locals in a sleepy corner of the Cheviot Hills are surprised to discover that they have new neighbours. Who are the strangers at Drakeshaugh? When James Potter meets Muggle Henry Charlton his mother Jacqui befriends the Potters, and her life changes.
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Family - Chapters: 26 - Words: 115,741 - Reviews: 1256 - Favs: 1,246 - Follows: 1,622 - Updated: 7/28 - Published: 9/17/2010 - [Ginny W., Harry P.] [Ron W., Hermione G.]
    Play The Cards You Are Dealt by JakeCrown reviews
    An altered and extended version of Play To Your Best Card. A self-insert into the fandom without all that stupid romance and drama bull. Conquering the world in a brutal and creative way using modern learnings and foreknowledge of G.R.R.M's work. Warning for war crimes and brutality. Drama in pt 10 for plot purposes. Can't help it.
    Crossover - A song of Ice and Fire & Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Horror - Chapters: 14 - Words: 29,592 - Reviews: 223 - Favs: 360 - Follows: 415 - Updated: 7/27 - Published: 9/7/2014
    The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men by Lucillia reviews
    When Naruto decides to skip past the Kage Bunshin and picks another jutsu to learn from the Forbidden Scroll, Madara - who'd dearly love to kill the brat - is left scrambling to salvage his plans.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 19,369 - Reviews: 688 - Favs: 2,197 - Follows: 2,386 - Updated: 7/27 - Published: 5/6/2013 - Naruto U., Madara U.
    Professor Arc by Coeur Al'Aran reviews
    He didn't know the first thing about teaching, Hell, he didn't even know the first thing about fighting! A shame then, that his forged documents painted the picture of an accomplished and skilled warrior. Now he's trapped teaching students his own age how to be hunters, when he doesn't even know himself! "This can't be too hard right... heh... who am I kidding, I'm screwed."
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 69,210 - Reviews: 575 - Favs: 952 - Follows: 1,011 - Updated: 7/27 - Published: 12/18/2014 - Ruby Rose, Blake Belladonna, Yang Xiao Long, Jaune Arc
    StarGate: Galactic Imperium by VexMaster reviews
    What if someone from our universe goes to the Stargate universe with everyting we know about it? He will build an empire unlike any other before it. 1st person POV and POV from SG-1. A massive crossover!
    Stargate: SG-1 - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Fantasy - Chapters: 104 - Words: 532,237 - Reviews: 2131 - Favs: 1,220 - Follows: 1,101 - Updated: 7/26 - Published: 1/22/2009
    The Adventures of Kotohime by Gaius Cornelius Tacitus reviews
    Tales of Gensokyo's maniacal princess.
    Touhou Project - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 220,650 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 35 - Updated: 7/22 - Published: 4/1/2011 - Kotohime - Complete
    Wand and Shield by Morta's Priest reviews
    The world is breaking; war and technology are pushing on the edge of the unbelievable, and S.H.I.E.L.D. desperately attempts to keep the peace. The soldier and the scientist are not the only lights that push back against the darkness, however; magic will encompass the world again as the last wizard makes himself known.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Avengers - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 33 - Words: 260,787 - Reviews: 6520 - Favs: 10,357 - Follows: 11,883 - Updated: 7/22 - Published: 6/2/2012 - Harry P.
    Overlady by EarthScorpion reviews
    "A new overlady, you say? She's a little short and flat-chested, although her temper is impressively vile. Oh well. Needs must when needs must. Too long have the lands of Halkeginia gone without true Evil. There are fluffy bunnies and happy ponies all over the place, frolicking! It makes me quite sick! No, it doesn't matter if she wants to or not. Because Evil always finds a way."
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Overlord - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 45 - Words: 258,358 - Reviews: 1544 - Favs: 1,733 - Follows: 1,711 - Updated: 7/22 - Published: 12/1/2012 - Louise
    Mass Effect: Human Revolution by IgnusDei reviews
    Adam Jensen finds himself in a time only dreamed of in vids, humanity is now part of a great galactic community that fears synthetics, and he struggles to find his place within it. Note: Primarily a DX/ME crossover, with elements borrowed and integrated from other Square Enix franchises.
    Crossover - Deus Ex & Mass Effect - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Supernatural - Chapters: 59 - Words: 720,989 - Reviews: 1701 - Favs: 1,529 - Follows: 1,590 - Updated: 7/20 - Published: 3/12/2012
    From the Garden of Gods by Sythe reviews
    In a barren land incapable of sustaining life, a Miko, whose most basic and most principal of powers is to give and nurture life, must seem divine in nature. It's not simple Mokuton, said Sunagakure village eldders, Mokuton only affects wood and cannot give life to dead crops. It definitely does not resurrect a village on the brink of historic financial depression either.
    Crossover - Inuyasha & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Romance/Fantasy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 69,920 - Reviews: 936 - Favs: 1,410 - Follows: 1,592 - Updated: 7/20 - Published: 3/31/2014 - Kagome H., Naruto U., Gaara, The Fourth Kazekage
    Black Flames Dance In The Wind: Rise of Naruto by DevilKeys Writing reviews
    A storm is brewing. Casting a black shadow over the world, threatening to incinerate it and scatter its ashes to the winds. Humanity's only hope lies with a young boy. A boy sacrificed for their protection, yet condemned to a life of hatred and abuse. Will the pariah become the savior? Or will mankind be cast into oblivion by a monster of their own creation?
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 49 - Words: 755,037 - Reviews: 4033 - Favs: 5,360 - Follows: 4,285 - Updated: 7/18 - Published: 7/18/2007 - Naruto U., Kyuubi/Kurama
    Circular Reasoning by Swimdraconian reviews
    Torn from a desolate future, Harry awakens in his teenage body with a hefty debt on his soul. Entangled in his lies and unable to trust even his own fraying sanity, Harry fights to stay ahead of enemy machinations. Desperation is the new anthem of violence.
    Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Horror - Chapters: 25 - Words: 201,995 - Reviews: 1690 - Favs: 4,062 - Follows: 4,438 - Updated: 7/18 - Published: 11/28/2005 - Harry P.
    The Biju Biju Fruit by Emma Iveli reviews
    AU crossover with One Piece, part of What if Naruto was raised by…? challenge. Monkey D. Luffy and his younger brother Fox D. Naruto travel the East Blue to find a crew so Luffy can become King of the Pirates and Naruto a Kage. Please R&R
    Crossover - Naruto & One Piece - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 310 - Words: 508,845 - Reviews: 3829 - Favs: 1,325 - Follows: 881 - Updated: 7/17 - Published: 8/25/2006 - Naruto U., Luffy
    The Chronicles of Utopia, Volume II by Garion Faldor reviews
    With Iuz's defeat, peace is restored to Oerth and Prometheus, the immortal Dragon Ascendant, begins to create his Imperium of Light. But the forces of darkness are always searching for weaknesses to exploit and the hearts of mortals are easily swayed.
    Crossover - Terminator & Dungeons and Dragons - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Fantasy - Chapters: 55 - Words: 382,065 - Reviews: 152 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 42 - Updated: 7/17 - Published: 3/3/2012
    The Black Prince by cxjenious reviews
    He remembered being Harry Potter. He dreams of it. He dreams of the Great Other too, a creature borne of ice and death with eyes red as blood and an army of cold dead things. He is the 2nd son of the King, a spare, but that changes when things rather left in the dark come to light, and Westeros is torn asunder by treachery and ambition. Winter is coming... but magic is might.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Drama - Chapters: 8 - Words: 57,127 - Reviews: 882 - Favs: 3,599 - Follows: 4,226 - Updated: 7/14 - Published: 3/7
    Stars Fade by totallybursar reviews
    Shepard knows that destroying the Reapers will kill her. Except she's never been good at dying. The explosion of dark energy from the Crucible thrusts Shepard into a totally different universe. Post ME3 ending, DA2 Act 2 beginning. Please note that this is not a FemShep/F!Hawke fic.
    Crossover - Mass Effect & Dragon Age - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 65 - Words: 337,615 - Reviews: 1605 - Favs: 1,639 - Follows: 1,874 - Updated: 7/12 - Published: 5/16/2012 - Shepard (F), Hawke (F)
    The Key to a Successful Interview by The Sage of Toads reviews
    This is Ranma 1/2 shaken, stirred, and smashed with a baseball bat. Written with emphasis on accuracy, which was then completely disregarded for the sake of comedy, if you're reading this with fanonical misconceptions, prepare to be disappointed.
    Ranma - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 35 - Words: 316,438 - Reviews: 690 - Favs: 679 - Follows: 566 - Updated: 7/12 - Published: 5/7/2010 - Ranma, Akane
    Collection by ichilover3 reviews
    A drabble/oneshot dump. Shenanigans, silliness, and sexy-times abound. Also alliteration, apparently.
    Bleach - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 36 - Words: 40,049 - Reviews: 346 - Favs: 205 - Follows: 219 - Updated: 7/6 - Published: 3/14/2013 - [T. Hitsugaya, Karin K.]
    Retribution by Undeniable Mystique reviews
    Haunted by a mysterious woman who stirs disturbing memories, she seeks to escape the truth. Being dropped in an unknown world full of sorcery and combat sure as hell isn't going to help. But it might turn out to be fun, right?
    Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 20 - Words: 113,709 - Reviews: 55 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 36 - Updated: 7/4 - Published: 1/20/2011
    Dynasty of Wolves by HardBoiled reviews
    AU. What if Ned Stark was named king instead of Robert Baratheon? How much would it change him and his family? If they are to keep the Iron Throne they must become a Dynasty of Wolves.
    Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 61,020 - Reviews: 397 - Favs: 823 - Follows: 959 - Updated: 7/1 - Published: 10/11/2012
    Sunshine Sidestories by Silver Queen reviews
    Snippets from the D.O.S. story line.
    Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 14 - Words: 12,931 - Reviews: 485 - Favs: 1,023 - Follows: 1,206 - Updated: 6/27 - Published: 3/5/2012
    The Green Beastling by sweetlilsunshine reviews
    If you think being reborn in Kohona is tough; try being reborn as the spawn of it's infamous 'Green Beast'. Let me tell you, my life got a whole lot more difficult when my disease finally finished me off. -Self Insert-
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 26,000 - Reviews: 256 - Favs: 1,143 - Follows: 1,426 - Updated: 6/27 - Published: 11/25/2012 - Gai M.
    Lyons of Nirn by Toasterman reviews
    Slung halfway across the galaxy by a malfunctioning matter transmitter, Sentinel Sarah Lyons and ten-year-old Arthur Maxson struggle to navigate the strange and hostile environs of a planet undreamt of, with nothing more than their wits and a suit of T-51b powered armor to survive the wilderness of Nirn.
    Crossover - Fallout & Elder Scroll series - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 8 - Words: 24,930 - Reviews: 77 - Favs: 94 - Follows: 129 - Updated: 6/25 - Published: 7/14/2013 - Sarah Lyons, Mirabelle Ervine, Dragonborn/Dovahkiin, Savos Aren
    A Protector's Pride by NeoRyu777 reviews
    What if Ichigo had handled his Inner Hollow problem like he had everything else thrown his way? Instead of running from it, he faced it head-on? Rated M for future graphic scenes.
    Bleach - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 83 - Words: 561,726 - Reviews: 5234 - Favs: 5,444 - Follows: 4,701 - Updated: 6/24 - Published: 4/18/2009 - Ichigo K.
    Crack Whims by firefly reviews
    Odd pairings. Whimsical humour. Somewhat disturbing scenarios. It's what you'll find here in this collection of crack drabbles.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 31,415 - Reviews: 1313 - Favs: 1,156 - Follows: 642 - Updated: 6/22 - Published: 1/1/2008
    Applied Cultural Anthropology, or by jacobk reviews
    ... How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Cruciatus. Albus Dumbledore always worried about the parallels between Harry Potter and Tom Riddle. But let's be honest, Harry never really had the drive to be the next dark lord. Of course, things may have turned out quite differently if one of the other muggle-raised Gryffindors wound up in Slytherin instead.
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 14 - Words: 130,578 - Reviews: 1583 - Favs: 2,663 - Follows: 3,420 - Updated: 6/21 - Published: 4/26/2013 - Hermione G., Severus S.
    One Last Gasp by secretaryofsillywalks reviews
    Harry is sent to an Alternate Universe where no one knows who he is. After an attack on Hogsmeade the Ministry and Order think he's a dangerous new Death Eater - Voldemort knows better and plans to find out who this scrawny kid is! What's a boy to do?
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 23 - Words: 89,452 - Reviews: 771 - Favs: 1,471 - Follows: 1,973 - Updated: 6/19 - Published: 8/3/2008 - Harry P.
    Wandering Pilot by Mercaba reviews
    Waking up in an open field a weary pilot finds a trio of shapes moving in the distance, following them a whole new and adventure awaits them all
    Crossover - Evangelion & Queen's Blade/クイーンズブレイド - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 30 - Words: 408,010 - Reviews: 1135 - Favs: 633 - Follows: 527 - Updated: 6/19 - Published: 8/16/2011
    Ain't no Rest for the Wicked by stratusfish reviews
    And here Harry had thought being the Master of Death was just a frivolous title.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Death Note - Rated: T - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 12 - Words: 55,503 - Reviews: 1797 - Favs: 3,161 - Follows: 4,134 - Updated: 6/12 - Published: 12/3/2011 - Harry P., L
    The Terran Jedi by The Dark Scribbler reviews
    The sequel to Jedi Harris. Xander and his fellow Jedi battle on. The latest chapter is up at long last!
    Buffy X-overs - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure - Chapters: 49 - Words: 487,914 - Reviews: 1747 - Favs: 1,227 - Follows: 1,117 - Updated: 6/11 - Published: 10/30/2005
    In a Barroom Far Far Away by Nemo Blank reviews
    Anakin gets himself some professional help...
    Star Wars - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 5 - Words: 7,965 - Reviews: 81 - Favs: 329 - Follows: 194 - Updated: 6/9 - Published: 8/6/2007 - Anakin Skywalker, E. Palpatine, Yoda
    From the Ashes by erttheking reviews
    Even after seeing their world burned, Humanity was able to stand up again, and push beyond their pre-war status and reach the heavens. But how will a hardened Humanity handle life among the stars? And how will others react to this aggressive newcomer?
    Crossover - Fallout & Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Romance - Chapters: 98 - Words: 649,047 - Reviews: 2857 - Favs: 1,494 - Follows: 1,367 - Updated: 6/3 - Published: 5/17/2012
    Halo: Finishing the Fight by Red Mage 04 reviews
    The Ark wasn’t the end. Stranded on an alien world where the rules of reality no longer apply, the Master Chief and his allies will face new challenges. When darkness rises, they must show that sometimes, a few brave souls can make all the difference.
    Halo - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 43 - Words: 348,791 - Reviews: 822 - Favs: 972 - Follows: 819 - Updated: 5/31 - Published: 3/2/2008 - Master Chief/John-117, A. J. Johnson
    Odd Ideas by Rorschach's Blot reviews
    Odd little one shots that may or may not be turned into their own stories.
    Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 158 - Words: 711,366 - Reviews: 9346 - Favs: 3,816 - Follows: 2,932 - Updated: 5/29 - Published: 9/4/2005
    Middle of Nowhere by Wyolake reviews
    "There is a dead darkspawn on the hood of my car." How one modern man deals with his sudden appearance in Ferelden. Rated T for strong language, violence, and sexual situations. OCs plus the entire ragtag DA:O team.
    Dragon Age - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 93 - Words: 419,864 - Reviews: 1031 - Favs: 813 - Follows: 857 - Updated: 5/28 - Published: 3/1/2012 - Alistair, Amell
    Under My Wing by freakyanimegal reviews
    It hadn't been expected, and it hadn't been taken easily. Arranged to marry and sire the new Chosen, Lloyd swore that he would protect his family. However once it became clear to him what the Chosen's destiny was...he decided he would not stand for it.
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 14 - Words: 44,221 - Reviews: 132 - Favs: 102 - Follows: 102 - Updated: 5/27 - Published: 4/10/2011 - Lloyd I., Colette B.
    Mirror Mirror by Sythe reviews
    One day, Harry J Potter made a wish in front of the mirror of Erised. One day, Bruce Banner woke up naked in a green-eyed man's aparment. One day, Harry introduced himself with his father's name to a strange man he found naked, green, and angry on the street. One day, SHIELD discovered human magic... and tried to make weapons from it. And the world is never the same.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Avengers - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 53,461 - Reviews: 1099 - Favs: 3,000 - Follows: 4,526 - Updated: 5/25 - Published: 7/1/2012 - [Harry P., Loki] Iron Man/Tony S., Hulk/Bruce B.
    Brothers and Sisters by Moczo reviews
    One night, in a lost temple far beneath the Sword Coast, dark forces stirred with dark intent towards the children of a dead god. Battle was joined, and when the smoke cleared only two of these special children still lived. Or... was it three?
    Baldur's Gate - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 11 - Words: 57,770 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 21 - Updated: 5/24 - Published: 11/17/2013
    Detox by Andrew Joshua Talon reviews
    There really is an easy way to explain all the weirdness and ridiculousness in Star Trek: Voyager. And of course, it's all because of Neelix. Buckle in, kids, this is gonna be a doozy...
    StarTrek: Voyager - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 42,183 - Reviews: 105 - Favs: 120 - Follows: 105 - Updated: 5/23 - Published: 8/31/2013 - Kes, H. Kim, Seven of Nine
    The Circle by Lisse reviews
    Decades after Luke Skywalker's fall to the Dark Side, a young mechanic discovers how far he must go to protect his family...and why being named after crazy old Ben Kenobi can attract all the wrong kinds of attention. AU from TESB, ignores most of the EU.
    Star Wars - Rated: T - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 11 - Words: 56,282 - Reviews: 95 - Favs: 87 - Follows: 115 - Updated: 5/23 - Published: 8/6/2003 - Luke S., Han S.
    Gensoukyo Shorts by Iced Fairy reviews
    Short stories made for a weekly writing contest. This time: The differences between laws and justice
    Touhou Project - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 27 - Words: 100,840 - Reviews: 103 - Favs: 77 - Follows: 62 - Updated: 5/22 - Published: 7/20/2010
    The House of Elendil by EricDal reviews
    Across the Sunset Sea, they come. Nine ships and three lords and one white tree. Elendil the Tall and his people have come out of the fall of Numenor to the shores of Westeros, and now they join the Game of Thrones. They must win or die. Rated M for violence, mature language and content.
    Crossover - Lord of the Rings & Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Drama/Fantasy - Chapters: 20 - Words: 191,548 - Reviews: 364 - Favs: 540 - Follows: 573 - Updated: 5/21 - Published: 6/15/2012
    Laundry Shots by Andrew Joshua Talon reviews
    What is this story: Humor? Drama? Romance? Crack? In a word, yes. In four words, all of the above. Enjoy! Rated for language.
    Bleach - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 28 - Words: 32,793 - Reviews: 249 - Favs: 147 - Follows: 112 - Updated: 5/20 - Published: 10/13/2007 - Hanatarō Y., Isane K.
    Kurosaki Ichigo: Seireitei Gigolo by Andrew Joshua Talon reviews
    AU. After defeating Aizen, Ichigo decides he needs to find a job. Urahara and Yoruichi, unsurprisingly, have a suggestion or two...
    Bleach - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 21,339 - Reviews: 321 - Favs: 843 - Follows: 735 - Updated: 5/19 - Published: 7/10/2011 - Ichigo K., Ikumi U.
    Meh, I can take them all! by wkz reviews
    Worm is a story containing Superheroes! Angst! It gets worse! Villains! Grief! It gets worse! Warlords! Bullies! Monsters! It gets even worse! Politics! Evil Conspiracies! Face-heel turns! The End of the World! And Doing the Wrong Things for Right Reasons! ... Gah, that sucks. Let's rewind to the start, add a little something more. Stir thoroughly, bake, and serve. Mmm... cake...
    Crossover - Worm & One Punch Man/ワンパンマン - Rated: M - English - Parody/Adventure - Chapters: 38 - Words: 77,985 - Reviews: 208 - Favs: 546 - Follows: 501 - Updated: 5/18 - Published: 4/8/2014 - Saitama
    Empress in the Sky by Delusional Fishies reviews
    ... The game ended. The game is now life. But you are still a game character. Welcome to a new reality, game character, but be careful of where you step. Every action will result in a thousand butterflies... SI.
    Crossover - Magic: The Gathering & Avengers - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,820 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 73 - Updated: 5/17 - Published: 5/15 - Agent Phil Coulson, Hawkeye/Clint B., Black Widow/Natasha R., Nick F.
    An Apostate's Abominable Guide to Kirkwall by Sparrow Nightrunner reviews
    Kazar Surana had thought he'd escaped Templars, Warden duties, and all the drama that came with being a partial abomination when he'd fled Ferelden. He was even finding something close to peace among the Dalish. Then, Hawke happened. (A sequel to All Roads Lead to Denerim)
    Dragon Age - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 73,735 - Reviews: 220 - Favs: 196 - Follows: 240 - Updated: 5/15 - Published: 1/25/2014 - Surana, Hawke (F), Merrill
    Rubber Justice by Flux Casey reviews
    One month after the Red-Haired Pirates leave Windmill Village, another group of pirates arrive with less civil intentions. The reality of what pirates commonly are sends Luffy down a different path.
    One Piece - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,672 - Reviews: 16 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 42 - Published: 5/14 - Luffy
    Hard Duties by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    Lucy took a deep breath. "So, sign me up. Slayer McClane, reporting for duty- just tell me where to go."
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Die Hard - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 5,230 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 41 - Follows: 25 - Updated: 5/13 - Published: 8/13/2007 - Wesley W., John M., Lucy M. - Complete
    Hacia el sol by lucife56 reviews
    Life is not fair, life is not easy, even less for a Hyuga. Self insertion.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 14 - Words: 48,477 - Reviews: 407 - Favs: 843 - Follows: 1,097 - Updated: 5/12 - Published: 5/9/2012 - Neji H., Hinata H., Hiashi H.
    Reluctant Hero by P.A.W.07 reviews
    "It was an accident." That was what Zuko had said to his crew when he used an element he hadn't been meant to. He wasn't the Avatar. The Avatar was supposed to be in the Earth Kingdom, hidden by its walls. Unless the old Avatar had died long ago ... and had already been replaced sixteen years ago. AU.
    Avatar: Last Airbender - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 33 - Words: 158,411 - Reviews: 1524 - Favs: 1,726 - Follows: 1,999 - Updated: 5/12 - Published: 5/2/2010 - Aang, Zuko, Iroh
    Mass Effect: Records of an Irken Defective by KiwiDayDreams reviews
    An Irken stasis pod is discovered on Earth and Shepard finds herself saddled with the megalomanic Irken, Zim. Things become more complicated when they discover Zim's home planet has been reaped during Zim's stint on Earth. Set post ME2/IZ end.
    Crossover - Invader Zim & Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Horror - Chapters: 18 - Words: 77,574 - Reviews: 216 - Favs: 362 - Follows: 346 - Updated: 5/6 - Published: 6/10/2010
    Dysphoria by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    Reincarnation isn't always like it is in the fanfictions. Sometimes, you end up in a body you would never expect to have ended up in. Sometimes, you end up in a body, that is completely wrong. SI OC
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 21 - Words: 61,251 - Reviews: 747 - Favs: 674 - Follows: 810 - Updated: 5/4 - Published: 3/16/2013 - Naruto U., Kakashi H.
    Once More, With Feeling by Illusor Meaneld reviews
    If you could start your life over, knowing how things could turn out, what would you do differently? Cloud is offered this chance, and tries to change the future, but he quickly discovers that fate and destiny play a high stakes game.
    Final Fantasy VII - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 46 - Words: 145,208 - Reviews: 2765 - Favs: 2,893 - Follows: 3,029 - Updated: 5/2 - Published: 1/23/2009 - Cloud S., Sephiroth
    Steal My Thunder God by Nauro reviews
    Naruto has always carried his father's legacy, in more ways than one. When an attempt to replicate the Fourth's greatest technique sends him to times long passed, he must take up that legacy, far more directly than he ever dreamed.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 103,824 - Reviews: 1354 - Favs: 4,361 - Follows: 5,125 - Updated: 5/2 - Published: 2/2/2013 - Naruto U.
    The Dark Lords Ascendant by claymade reviews
    The past is catching up to Ranma and Ryouga, and so are the Sailor Senshi. Now the accidental Dark Lords will have to come out of retirement for one more conflict. And the stakes will be even higher than any of them realize...
    Crossover - Sailor Moon & Ranma - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 11 - Words: 204,003 - Reviews: 715 - Favs: 709 - Follows: 705 - Updated: 5/1 - Published: 7/2/2012 - Ryoga, Ranma
    Saint of Zero by Satire Swift reviews
    The Gandalfr is the Shield of God, meant to protect their summoner from harm. Through faith and blade, here was a man that protected the weak from all that would do them harm, and his life ended with no regrets. Though Louise did not mean to summon a Guardian Knight, there were few greater she could have asked for.
    Crossover - Fate/stay night & Familiar of Zero - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 82,165 - Reviews: 459 - Favs: 1,019 - Follows: 1,215 - Updated: 4/29 - Published: 2/23/2013 - Saint George, Louise, Longueville/Fouquet, Siesta
    Weary Sovereigns by Wribro reviews
    The whole world is empty. The sands of time howl in a storm that deafens them to the sounds of all else. They've gone mad... and have, since then, gone sane. So unshakably, brutally sane that, at times, they wish that madness would come again, if only to take away the sheer cold of the certainty. The certainty that their story will never... ever... end. Time Travel. Cover by Ciber.
    Avatar: Last Airbender - Rated: T - English - Spiritual/Friendship - Chapters: 10 - Words: 38,000 - Reviews: 75 - Favs: 225 - Follows: 258 - Updated: 4/27 - Published: 2/8/2014
    Death's Spawn Redux by Confushi Sushi reviews
    When SG-1 stumbles upon strange phenomena on a wayward planet, the consequences prove to be more far-reaching than anyone could expect. Re-envisioning of my older story "Deaths Spawn"
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & New Jedi Order - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Angst - Chapters: 12 - Words: 104,255 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 24 - Updated: 4/27 - Published: 2/19/2014 - S. Carter
    The Blond and the Valkyrie by typicalteenager reviews
    One day, Nora Valkyrie ponders on Jaune Arc's kindness, and mistakes it as a sign of affection towards her. She decides to return those feelings and become his girlfriend. Jaune's in shock, Yang, Blake, and Weiss are confused, and the less said about Pyrrha & Ruby's feelings the better. Ren? He's enjoying his new found downtime. Written because the world needs more Nora x Jaune.
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 13,759 - Reviews: 144 - Favs: 476 - Follows: 555 - Updated: 4/25 - Published: 8/30/2014 - [Jaune Arc, Nora Valkyrie]
    Making Magick by Mashadar reviews
    The unlikeliest of crossings. The most improbable of incidents. The most hilarious of universes. A considerably different sort of crossover. Sanity is for the weak anyway.
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Magicka - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 57,583 - Reviews: 294 - Favs: 814 - Follows: 783 - Updated: 4/23 - Published: 12/24/2011 - Louise
    Team 8 by S'TarKan reviews
    What if Naruto had been selected for a different team? What if he'd had a different mentor? Who would guess the consequences would be so large?
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 24 - Words: 276,868 - Reviews: 14079 - Favs: 17,378 - Follows: 14,868 - Updated: 4/23 - Published: 1/1/2006 - Naruto U., Hinata H.
    Best Job Share Ever? by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    This wasn't exactly what Buffy had been expecting when she'd offered her hot chick with superpowers self up to Nick Fury for joint world saveage. (POST-AVENGERS through Ch8; further chapters spoil for IM3 and THOR2).
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Avengers - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 12 - Words: 25,790 - Reviews: 161 - Favs: 340 - Follows: 263 - Updated: 4/23 - Published: 8/22/2012 - Buffy S., Iron Man/Tony S., Hawkeye/Clint B., Pepper P. - Complete
    Matters of Faith by jclong reviews
    Gendo is out to do some good, in the only way that he can; by being the most magnificent, manipulative bastard that he can be. Rei is out to help us all, by doing SCIENCE! Please Read & Review! Thank you for reading and sharing your feedback.
    Evangelion - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Friendship - Chapters: 35 - Words: 397,909 - Reviews: 275 - Favs: 392 - Follows: 418 - Updated: 4/22 - Published: 4/23/2010 - Shinji I., Rei A.
    What If? by Rorschach's Blot reviews
    A place for odd story bits that drip out of my brain.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 33 - Words: 124,078 - Reviews: 1667 - Favs: 1,848 - Follows: 1,462 - Updated: 4/21 - Published: 4/14/2007
    The Frog and the Scorpion by elbowface reviews
    Genderbender. What if Lex Luthor had been born a woman? How would that have changed her relationship with Clark Kent? Will they share a great love story, or are they doomed to be bitter enemies? AU series featuring a female Lex.
    Crossover - Smallville & Buffy: The Vampire Slayer - Rated: M - English - Drama/Romance - Chapters: 40 - Words: 219,903 - Reviews: 245 - Favs: 168 - Follows: 133 - Updated: 4/21 - Published: 10/27/2005 - Clark K./Superman, Lex L.
    Harry Potter and the Spirit's Heart by LoneWolf218 reviews
    During the chaos of the World Cup, Harry stumbled across a mysterious corpse. Now haunted by thoughts not his own, he must survive the rise of his mortal enemy, the Dark Lord Voldemort. Harry will need every bit of courage he can muster to survive.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Dragon Age - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 16 - Words: 169,599 - Reviews: 249 - Favs: 424 - Follows: 591 - Updated: 4/19 - Published: 2/18/2012 - Harry P., Justice
    Switching Places Evangelion by Greylle reviews
    Mihoshi's a genie? Nabiki is skeptical? Ranma's Shinji? Shinji's Ranma? What else did that genie mess up?
    Crossover - Ranma & Evangelion - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 24 - Words: 102,822 - Reviews: 415 - Favs: 582 - Follows: 519 - Updated: 4/10 - Published: 10/29/2010 - Ranma, Rei A.
    Reverse the Flow by lord of the land of fire reviews
    A re-imagining of the Rosario Vampire story with the genders reversed. Things play out a little differently as a group of monsters fight for the attention of the girl they all want.
    Rosario + Vampire - Rated: M - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 20,017 - Reviews: 274 - Favs: 405 - Follows: 416 - Updated: 4/6 - Published: 2/16/2012
    Continuing the Cycle by Phantom Feline reviews
    Harry thought he would die; had anticipated it, even. So now what will he do in this new world, one without magic? Not to say that there isn't power lurking here... With snakes calling him 'Lord', and everyone else saying 'Abomination', is it any surprise that he's not going to have an easy time settling down? Subtle HP AU. Eventual Naruto AU. Slow paced. Rated M; Dark Themes.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Supernatural/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 126,343 - Reviews: 1935 - Favs: 3,128 - Follows: 3,662 - Updated: 4/5 - Published: 4/30/2011 - Harry P.
    For Want of a War by Gaming Ikari reviews
    Balbanes survives his attempted poisoning to halt the beginnings of a civil war which would have engulfed Ivalice. Too bad this leaves the only true war to be the one fought over Ramza's heart by a plethora of women. Yep, it's FFT done Ranma 1/2-style.
    Final Fantasy: Tactics - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 24 - Words: 60,699 - Reviews: 460 - Favs: 381 - Follows: 352 - Updated: 3/31 - Published: 3/1/2011
    God's Eye by Todeswind reviews
    Harry Dresden gets misplaced after the events of the Darkhallow. Suffice it to say tossed to the edge of the galaxy, he still manages to stir up trouble. After all, the universe exists to trouble Harry Dresden.
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Dresden Files - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 24 - Words: 122,858 - Reviews: 759 - Favs: 1,075 - Follows: 1,207 - Updated: 3/28 - Published: 4/9/2012 - H. Dresden
    Akatsuki Inserts by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    One shot series about inserts who are related to one of the Akatsuki members.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 7,301 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 216 - Follows: 196 - Updated: 3/26 - Published: 12/17/2013 - Akatsuki, OC
    What Doesn't Kill You by Zbluez reviews
    ...Oh wait, it did. Semi-SI.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 30 - Words: 110,365 - Reviews: 1638 - Favs: 2,577 - Follows: 3,024 - Updated: 3/24 - Published: 4/12/2014 - Lee R., Neji H., OC
    Visibility Zero by the Marysue Murderess reviews
    !UNDER REVAMP! She laughed when they cut her head off. She laughed and laughed. And then her head grew back.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 18 - Words: 81,960 - Reviews: 104 - Favs: 125 - Follows: 145 - Updated: 3/23 - Published: 2/11/2014 - [OC, Utakata] Chōjūrō, Yagura
    The Whitest Man in Skyrim by Flux Casey reviews
    Sheogorath finds the Dragonborn boring. So he decides to find a more amusing alternative. Hardcore Skyrim self-insert.
    Elder Scroll series - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,852 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 30 - Follows: 39 - Published: 3/22
    Daddy Dearest by freakyanimegal reviews
    Lloyd had told him once, once before he betrayed them, how he imagined his father was like. He did not fit that description, that ideal man his son imagined, and he would never be that man. At least, he had assumed he wouldn't...not literally.
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 19 - Words: 57,695 - Reviews: 195 - Favs: 121 - Follows: 131 - Updated: 3/15 - Published: 1/11/2011 - Kratos A., Lloyd I.
    Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality by Less Wrong reviews
    Petunia married a biochemist, and Harry grew up reading science and science fiction. Then came the Hogwarts letter, and a world of intriguing new possibilities to exploit. And new friends, like Hermione Granger, and Professor McGonagall, and Professor Quirrell... COMPLETE.
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 122 - Words: 661,619 - Reviews: 30356 - Favs: 16,769 - Follows: 14,603 - Updated: 3/14 - Published: 2/28/2010 - Harry P., Hermione G. - Complete
    The Prince That Was Promised by cxjenious reviews
    Discontinued; in the process of a rewrite, to be posted as The Black Prince.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 98,452 - Reviews: 2099 - Favs: 5,036 - Follows: 5,497 - Updated: 3/14 - Published: 4/19/2013 - Harry P.
    The Disappearance by WynterSky reviews
    When every adult in Konoha vanishes, Itachi and an overwhelmed substitute teacher are left to care for the children left behind while attempting to find the cause behind the disappearances. -same story, changed the plot a bit!-
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 22 - Words: 31,176 - Reviews: 149 - Favs: 294 - Follows: 338 - Updated: 3/12 - Published: 4/11/2012 - Kabuto Y., Itachi U., Iruka U., Hana I.
    Variant Strain by scriviner reviews
    Prototype/Spider-man(Marvel) Fusion. For most, adolescence is a time of change and growth. For some, the changes are a bit more drastic than expected. Peter struggles with a changing world, an even more changeable body and more questions than he has answers for. He tries to understand where his strange new powers come from and the most important question of all... what happened?
    Crossover - Spider-Man & Prototype - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Mystery - Chapters: 69 - Words: 290,420 - Reviews: 981 - Favs: 1,555 - Follows: 1,378 - Updated: 3/8 - Published: 10/25/2012 - Peter P./Spider-Man
    Tangled Web by Ruinous Crow reviews
    Peter already wasn't dealing well with the whole Spiderman thing, and then all of this happened. He has his own problems, but somehow or another he keeps stumbling into other people's too. Pre-Avengers, slow buildup.
    Crossover - Spider-Man & Avengers - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Angst - Chapters: 12 - Words: 54,002 - Reviews: 486 - Favs: 1,343 - Follows: 1,849 - Updated: 3/7 - Published: 8/18/2012 - Peter P./Spider-Man, Iron Man/Tony S.
    The Last Son, Book Four: Destinies by The Writer with No Name reviews
    AU S4. Xover with Superman and Justice League. In the wake of General Zod's treachery, Superman, the Justice League, and the X-Men find the world threatened by evils far worse than any they have ever encountered before. As prophecy begins to unfold, can the young Man of Steel and his fellow heroes defend the Earth against the horrors that loom to threaten it?
    Crossover - DC Superheroes & X-Men: Evolution - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 327,983 - Reviews: 498 - Favs: 272 - Follows: 225 - Updated: 2/27 - Published: 8/24/2012
    The Only Logical Conclusion by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    "But didn't they tell you?" I said in an ostentatious tone. "The first rule of time travel is that you don't talk about the time travel."
    Crossover - Dresden Files & Star Trek: 2009 - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 13,133 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 142 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 2/27 - Published: 12/10/2010 - H. Dresden, J. Kirk, Spock, L. McCoy/Bones - Complete
    Pieces of My Mind by drakensis reviews
    A collection of plot bunnies that don't seem to be forming full stories. Various series.
    Crossover - Ranma & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 19 - Words: 80,824 - Reviews: 171 - Favs: 261 - Follows: 194 - Updated: 2/27 - Published: 8/7/2009
    A Hunter's Tale by Colleen reviews
    Halloween on the Hellmouth has so many possiblilties. Apparently Ethan thought that one of the Slayer's little group going as a Vampire Hunter might be funny. Too bad neither he nor Xander know much about the costume.
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Vampire Hunter D - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 10 - Words: 66,514 - Reviews: 289 - Favs: 981 - Follows: 1,066 - Updated: 2/26 - Published: 1/13/2011 - Xander H.
    Cancer by Jonas Grant reviews
    "You know why selfishness is a stupid concept? For the same reason cancer cells are always doomed; they consume everything, feed off their host and take all there is to take for themselves, then, the host dies and the cancer with it. No matter how large and deeply implanted it is, the selfish will die with the rest of the world. That's why you should get to work now."
    Crossover - Warhammer & Prototype - Rated: T - English - Horror/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 19 - Words: 35,440 - Reviews: 127 - Favs: 199 - Follows: 230 - Updated: 2/23 - Published: 6/26/2012 - Dana M.
    Tobi's Massive Adventure by OnlineImhotep reviews
    After a trans-dimensional mishap, Tobi teleports to Omega! He soon meets Shepard and the crew, how will the story change with one of the most powerful shinobi of his generation involved?
    Crossover - Naruto & Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 14 - Words: 51,890 - Reviews: 477 - Favs: 1,162 - Follows: 1,220 - Updated: 2/22 - Published: 2/15/2013 - Obito U./Tobi, Shepard (F)
    Incident Report by MoonClaimed reviews
    Whoever decided it was a good idea to leave Naruto alone with three twelve year olds for a YEAR should be stabbed. Repeatedly.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 30,557 - Reviews: 838 - Favs: 2,904 - Follows: 3,010 - Updated: 2/21 - Published: 4/26/2012 - Naruto U.
    World As Myth by Mister Trickster reviews
    For Want of a Nail. Thirteen years ago, Misogi Kumagawa met Zenkichi Hitoyoshi in a hospital nursery. Thirteen years ago, Medaka Kurokami did not.
    Medaka Box/めだかボックス - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Humor - Chapters: 15 - Words: 89,959 - Reviews: 147 - Favs: 210 - Follows: 214 - Updated: 2/11 - Published: 2/11/2013 - Zenkichi H., M. Kumagawa
    Be careful what you wish for by Vanishing Trooper reviews
    Louise wished for a powerful familiar. Yuka wanted a change in her life. Both will get what they want...just not in the way either of them expected. Currently on Season 2.
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Touhou Project - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 42 - Words: 478,597 - Reviews: 667 - Favs: 690 - Follows: 628 - Updated: 2/10 - Published: 3/10/2011 - Louise, Yuka K.
    Post Human Wars by Jonas Grant reviews
    What do you do when you're trapped some alien piece of hardware that makes you the perfect weapon? You fight until there is nothing left to fight, then go look for another war, because that's all you have left. Fortunately, in the grim darkness of the far future, war never ends.
    Crossover - Warhammer & Crysis - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 7 - Words: 12,899 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 89 - Updated: 2/3 - Published: 7/25/2012
    Bleached thoughts by Writing bunny reviews
    Drabbles. Exploring small ideas and plotholes. Various characters. Mostly funny. Ch.160: Promotions and paperwork
    Bleach - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 160 - Words: 94,152 - Reviews: 1085 - Favs: 382 - Follows: 264 - Updated: 2/2 - Published: 8/17/2010
    Apex by Jonas Grant reviews
    Having seen how useful controlled wild animals could be in warfare on Pandora, the RDA comes up with Super-Predators of its own and heads back for a rematch. Quote of things to come; "Welcome to the jungle, Sully, the real jungle. Out here, it's survival of the vicious, the sickest, reckon you're sick enough to cut it?"
    Crossover - Jurassic Park & Avatar - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 7 - Words: 12,719 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 53 - Follows: 68 - Updated: 1/28 - Published: 12/6/2011
    The Hellsing War Chronicles by EZB reviews
    Follow the chronicles of the Hellsing Organization, two years following the Millennium incident. New allies arrive to the organization, ready to assist thwarting a foe, one more determined than their previous: the shadowy agents of a long dead pharmaceutical empire. It's vampire versus virus in this war of supernatural and biological monsters.
    Hellsing - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 96 - Words: 594,389 - Reviews: 444 - Favs: 121 - Follows: 96 - Updated: 1/27 - Published: 6/1/2008 - Alucard, Integra, Seras, Walter
    Top of the Tree by CupcakeLoopy reviews
    "Well, f*ck," was my very first thought. And maybe a few other curse words. Rated M for language. Self-insert OC.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 33,373 - Reviews: 485 - Favs: 1,464 - Follows: 1,938 - Updated: 1/23 - Published: 10/13/2012 - Hiruzen S., Asuma S., OC
    Familiar of the Fairy by Juubi-K reviews
    Reconquista is defeated, but dark forces and darker ambitions threaten to plunge Halkeginia into war. Meanwhile, Louise has a plan to get Tiffania away from Saito once and for all; by summoning her Familiar.
    Familiar of Zero - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Romance - Chapters: 6 - Words: 67,590 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 63 - Updated: 1/22 - Published: 9/3/2012 - Tiffania
    I See The Moon by hctiB-notsoB reviews
    Gen. "While on the run, Bruce meets a young man who speaks to the moon. He's probably not quite the sanest friend Bruce could have made, but, well...beggers can't be choosers."
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Avengers - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 13 - Words: 40,930 - Reviews: 4050 - Favs: 8,252 - Follows: 9,996 - Updated: 1/18 - Published: 6/13/2012 - Harry P., Hulk/Bruce B.
    Children of Nemesis by Solaris242 reviews
    There was a theory once, about Nemesis, the Dark Star. Stillborn twin to the sun, it wandered the void, black and cold, and every 25 million years, came back home. AU.
    Mass Effect - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 11,142 - Reviews: 222 - Favs: 785 - Follows: 946 - Updated: 1/15 - Published: 9/11/2013
    Parallel: Harry Potter by Shadow Rebirth reviews
    A collection of story ideas. [Idea 1: The world had ended in flames. And then Lieutenant General Harry Potter, commander of the Magical Tactics Squad, woke up and found himself staring into the green eyes of a three year old Harry Potter. Time travel.]
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 32,047 - Reviews: 200 - Favs: 274 - Follows: 291 - Updated: 1/13 - Published: 11/15/2008 - Harry P.
    Transcendent Humanity by Solaris242 reviews
    Humanity never developed FTL. The Prothean archives contained no technology, no Element Zero, just a warning. Isolated from the rest of the galaxy for two thousand years, restricted to their only system, how will humanity have changed when they first meet the Turians? AU, alternate history of humanity and First Contact.
    Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 15 - Words: 33,429 - Reviews: 1399 - Favs: 3,898 - Follows: 4,543 - Updated: 1/12 - Published: 5/7/2013
    The Truth Decays by Marz1 reviews
    Edward Elric can't get back to his own world, so he tries to make a life for himself in the closest one he can find. Yep a nice quiet life, no military breathing down his neck or monsters trying to live forever, but then a kid in an orange jumpsuit...
    Crossover - Naruto & Fullmetal Alchemist - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 18 - Words: 118,911 - Reviews: 2465 - Favs: 3,760 - Follows: 4,121 - Updated: 1/10 - Published: 2/3/2008 - Naruto U., Edward E.
    Hostilities by blacksand1 reviews
    Sequelfic to Alliances; The Zeppelin Incident is two years dead but another war is on the world's doorstep. Hellsing and Iscariot must defend themselves once more, ready or not. Here there be monsters. Rated for violence and OCs.
    Hellsing - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 60,324 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 1/9 - Published: 9/14/2011
    Harry the Hufflepuff by BajaB reviews
    Luckily, lazy came up in Petunia's tirades slightly more often than freak, otherwise, this could have been a very different story. AU. Not your usual Hufflepuff!Harry story.
    Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 29,176 - Reviews: 1243 - Favs: 5,380 - Follows: 1,739 - Updated: 1/7 - Published: 11/10/2010 - Harry P. - Complete
    Without War to Guide Me by Todeswind reviews
    In the grim darkness of the future there is only war. But what happpens to a Space Marine when he is stranded in a place where his unique set of talents are neither needed, desired, or valued by humanity? What is a weapon's purpose without a war to fight in?
    Crossover - StarTrek: The Next Generation & Warhammer - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 6 - Words: 16,340 - Reviews: 166 - Favs: 290 - Follows: 428 - Updated: 1/3 - Published: 1/29/2013
    Halo: the Art of War by Havoc-legionnaire reviews
    AU. One small divergence, the smallest of errors, and the balance of fate tips. It is 2552. Reach is spared, for now. Operation Red Flag goes forth. The Covenant will learn that this war that they have started 27 years ago have only just begun.
    Halo - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 34 - Words: 166,242 - Reviews: 760 - Favs: 926 - Follows: 966 - Updated: 1/2 - Published: 10/2/2010 - Master Chief/John-117, Prophet of Truth
    Signature by Caya Strife reviews
    Post-ANH AU. Vader redemption. Soon after the destruction of the Death Star, the paths of father and son cross again. Realizing that Anakin Skywalker is still alive within Darth Vader, Luke decides to accompany his father in an attempt to redeem him. ATTENTION: Chapter 18 will be up within the week!
    Star Wars - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Family - Chapters: 18 - Words: 115,342 - Reviews: 339 - Favs: 344 - Follows: 481 - Updated: 12/30/2014 - Published: 7/29/2010 - Luke S., Darth Vader
    The Daddy Thing by Ruinous Crow reviews
    Kushina's early demise changes everything. Who said that mothers were more important than fathers?
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 11 - Words: 100,465 - Reviews: 672 - Favs: 2,474 - Follows: 2,266 - Updated: 12/27/2014 - Published: 1/28/2012 - Naruto U., Minato N. - Complete
    Soul Reaping Janitor of the Justice League by Bunni Munchies reviews
    We have to distrust each other. It is our only defense against betrayal. Trust no one and question all for trust in yourself is all you'll ever need.
    Crossover - Justice League & Bleach - Rated: M - English - Suspense/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 82,435 - Reviews: 83 - Favs: 59 - Follows: 62 - Updated: 12/25/2014 - Published: 12/12/2010 - Bruce W./Batman, Ichigo K.
    Reincarnation Roulette by Silver Queen reviews
    Sometimes you get lucky. Sometimes you don't.
    Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 5 - Words: 25,491 - Reviews: 830 - Favs: 1,835 - Follows: 1,559 - Updated: 12/25/2014 - Published: 12/7/2012
    Starry Eyes by helnae reviews
    Where a girl finds true friends when she looks within. And where friends see what lies beneath the surface.
    Crossover - Worm & Cthulhu Mythos - Rated: T - English - Horror/Humor - Chapters: 15 - Words: 37,299 - Reviews: 303 - Favs: 948 - Follows: 1,004 - Updated: 12/25/2014 - Published: 12/12/2013 - Skitter, OC
    Journey by druth reviews
    Ranma accidentally gets summoned to another dimension. His presence is quickly taken advantage of by certain entities. And there we have the beginning of a very long Journey. Arc 3, Chapter 12 and 13 up.
    Ranma - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 9 - Words: 201,218 - Reviews: 238 - Favs: 447 - Follows: 320 - Updated: 12/23/2014 - Published: 4/8/2002 - Ranma
    Remember by Golden Lark reviews
    Tokiomi summons a red Archer for the Fourth War. - Chapter 12: Interrogations, infodumps, and expositions.
    Fate/stay night - Rated: T - English - Humor/Fantasy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 34,625 - Reviews: 335 - Favs: 1,536 - Follows: 1,555 - Updated: 12/23/2014 - Published: 2/28/2012 - Archer
    Path to Godhood by VexMaster reviews
    A psychopathic nerd is given a strange and terrible power to enter the Warhammer 40K realm at will and to manipulate the world around him. What will he become? What terrible evil shall he let loose upon these many worlds? What horrors shall he invoke?
    Crossover - X-overs & Warhammer - Rated: M - English - Horror/Supernatural - Chapters: 30 - Words: 129,701 - Reviews: 325 - Favs: 420 - Follows: 398 - Updated: 12/20/2014 - Published: 12/24/2012
    Cenon by freakyanimegal reviews
    He panted, holding the area over his heart where a gaping hole had just been, stunned, then jolted as the four-armed figure grabbed him by the collar and lifted him off his feet. "It's time to wake" The fiery feeling erupted into an inferno. cover pic by Symphoniafan
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 24 - Words: 67,948 - Reviews: 352 - Favs: 151 - Follows: 152 - Updated: 12/7/2014 - Published: 3/23/2011 - Lloyd I.
    Fleeing From Death No More by JakeCrown reviews
    Voldemort feels regret in that train station and passes on to the next great adventure. You guys should beware the madness and brutality of mixing Voldemort and medieval muggles who are, truly, filth. Sadistic brain candy.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & A song of Ice and Fire - Rated: M - English - Horror/Crime - Chapters: 3 - Words: 2,454 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 118 - Follows: 143 - Updated: 12/7/2014 - Published: 9/20/2014
    The Secret Compartment by Morta's Priest reviews
    This serves as a repository for plotbunnies, little ideas that went nowhere, or potential starts for future stories. Depending on interest, I might write sequel chapters as well to anything covered here. Will span multiple fandoms including my mainstays (HP, Naruto, Avengers) as well as new ones. (Doctor Who, Stargate etc.) and crossovers thereof.
    X-overs - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 12 - Words: 66,613 - Reviews: 299 - Favs: 223 - Follows: 233 - Updated: 12/4/2014 - Published: 5/27/2013
    Let There be Light! by Time-Warlock reviews
    During the chaos of the Blackest Night, a Green Lantern Power Ring escapes the DC universe. Who has the willpower to become a new Green Lantern? And was it the only one to escape? Across the ninja world, there will be light... and the dead will rise...
    Crossover - Naruto & Green Lantern - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 14 - Words: 91,601 - Reviews: 393 - Favs: 560 - Follows: 582 - Updated: 12/3/2014 - Published: 4/7/2009 - Naruto U.
    The Merry Killers by The Sage of Toads reviews
    The Hinata-sou is a dangerous place to be, even if you're Keitaro Urashima. But when it's the base for Japan's greatest assassins, danger comes in more forms than accidents...
    Love Hina - Rated: M - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 9 - Words: 46,379 - Reviews: 92 - Favs: 266 - Follows: 241 - Updated: 12/2/2014 - Published: 5/18/2013 - Keitaro U., Naru N., Mutsumi O., Kaolla S.
    A Promise Not Kept by animeaddict411 reviews
    Crona is thrown head first into a side of her life that she had not realized she had been missing. Of discovering family, finding friends, and reestablishing bonds broken for her by Medusa. And maybe, just maybe, learning how to deal with life. Action, Suspense, Family/friends, and possible romance along the way- who knows?- Manga Spoilers- NOT CronaxOrochimaru pairing
    Crossover - Naruto & Soul Eater - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Family - Chapters: 13 - Words: 20,485 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 17 - Follows: 21 - Updated: 12/1/2014 - Published: 4/27/2012 - Orochimaru, Crona, Medusa G.
    Terrorism & Anarchy by VarianN reviews
    Cloud's first thought on waking in the Shinra training grounds..."Where's the hidden camera?". What is one supposed to do when they find themselves inexplicably in the past? Become a terrorist four years early, of course. And look up a few old friends.
    Final Fantasy VII - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 21 - Words: 121,690 - Reviews: 1299 - Favs: 2,969 - Follows: 3,091 - Updated: 12/1/2014 - Published: 3/7/2012 - Cloud S., Zack F.
    Heart in the Hand by Akua reviews
    People break. They heal. And they are stronger for it. But sometimes the breaks aren't clean, and sometimes people can't heal on their own. A single act connects two worlds... With revenge within reach what will be the act that saves? That night at the Ministry went oh so wrong, who is left to collect the pieces left behind?
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Tragedy/Horror - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,889 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 40 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 11/29/2014 - Published: 4/25/2011 - Harry P., Naruto U.
    The Havoc side of the Force by Tsu Doh Nimh reviews
    I have a singularly impressive talent for messing up the plans of very powerful people - both good and evil. Somehow, I'm always just in the right place at exactly the wrong time. What can I say? It's a gift.
    Crossover - Star Wars & Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Mystery - Chapters: 13 - Words: 89,644 - Reviews: 2722 - Favs: 5,737 - Follows: 6,508 - Updated: 11/27/2014 - Published: 9/6/2012 - Anakin Skywalker, Harry P.
    Stargate: Origins by Wyolake reviews
    The SGC is playing with some of the Ancient tech that happens to be laying around. Surprise! Chapter 10 is up (that was quick!); at this pace I'll have the next one up by Easter 2016 (but no promises)! If you have some ideas about where this should go feel free to pass them on. O'Neill, Hammond, Merrill, Duncan, and OCs. So far. Rated 'T' for language.
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Dragon Age - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 10,528 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 50 - Follows: 86 - Updated: 11/27/2014 - Published: 5/27/2012 - Gen. Hammond, J. O'Neill, Duncan, Merrill
    The Great Devourer by LoverOfGames reviews
    A tyranid splinter fleet is thrown into the Star Wars galaxy at the dawn of the Clone Wars. Things will never be the same again.
    Crossover - Star Wars & Warhammer - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 24,532 - Reviews: 107 - Favs: 217 - Follows: 272 - Updated: 11/27/2014 - Published: 6/2/2012
    An American Geek in Halkeginia by Inner Legions reviews
    An American takes what should have gone to a young man from another culture. Typical, just typical. WARNING: CONTAINS RAW, GRAPHIC KIPLING. May only be suitable for mature readers.
    Familiar of Zero - Rated: M - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 39 - Words: 196,874 - Reviews: 398 - Favs: 819 - Follows: 852 - Updated: 11/25/2014 - Published: 5/12/2012
    Edge of Truth by orangepotato reviews
    Truth is elusive. Lies are plentiful. Lloyd finds himself in the middle of a vast conspiracy that rips apart everything he's ever believed, leaving him blindsided in the face of an ominous threat that looms just beyond the edge. With the two worlds hanging in the balance, he struggles to uncover what is reality and what is fabricated in a world he once understood. CruLloyd.
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Suspense/Drama - Chapters: 39 - Words: 183,303 - Reviews: 182 - Favs: 51 - Follows: 59 - Updated: 11/24/2014 - Published: 9/10/2012 - Lloyd I., Colette B.
    Of Fae and Men by Levhitor reviews
    When you hear of the Fae - Fairies and Elves- you think either of cute little pixies fluttering happily around humans, of small creatures that let you fly by using the power of love and friendship. Peaceful and ethereal beautiful humanoids with long ears, experts in archery and protectors of mankind. That is Wrong. So, so wrong.
    Crossover - DC Elseworlds & Fate/stay night - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,782 - Reviews: 11 - Favs: 35 - Follows: 38 - Updated: 11/23/2014 - Published: 11/18/2014
    Retsu's Folly by nuhuh reviews
    It all goes wrong when Dumbledore gives Harry the choice to go back and fight Voldemort or move on. Harry is taken before he can make that choice and is thrown in an unexpected afterlife. Now he is on a mission to fight his way back to his own world.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Bleach - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 13 - Words: 106,637 - Reviews: 1231 - Favs: 3,029 - Follows: 3,107 - Updated: 11/18/2014 - Published: 11/28/2009 - Harry P., R. Unohana
    Tis Femina by Sythe reviews
    Naruto had gone to his last battle with Madara fully prepared to die with his enemy. He did not think he'd be manipulated by old toad sages and thrown to the far past. He did not expect to wake up in the Senju clan compound either.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 13 - Words: 177,817 - Reviews: 1574 - Favs: 2,702 - Follows: 2,580 - Updated: 11/18/2014 - Published: 3/5/2010 - Naruto U., Hashirama S., Madara U., Tobirama S.
    Out to the Black by Levhitor reviews
    Star Trek was just a show. Eve Online was just a game. And the Machine Cult was just a joke... Or so I thought. In the body of a Capsuleer, with the Rust Ghosts along for the ride and the Federation in front of me, I curse Q.  [You can find out more on SB/SV Links under my profile]
    Crossover - StarTrek: The Next Generation & EVE Online - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 7 - Words: 13,824 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 75 - Follows: 93 - Updated: 11/12/2014 - Published: 10/29/2014
    Eureka! by Ol'Velsper reviews
    Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Structural Analysis. In the wake of Kiritsugu Emiya's death, Taiga Fujimura is concerned about the destination that her ward - Shirou Emiya, is heading in life. Time for her to step in and gently guide the boy.
    Fate/stay night - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 19 - Words: 109,074 - Reviews: 204 - Favs: 616 - Follows: 523 - Updated: 11/1/2014 - Published: 8/8/2011 - Shirō E.
    Another Day In The Corps by Jonas Grant reviews
    Koprulu sector is a brutal place and anyone living in it has a story to tell, be it Marines, ship captains or Ghosts, there is no such thing a routine in these people's lives. This story follows Henry Navarro-Jackson and many others as they fight for what they believe in, be it duty, truth or sheer psychotic fun.
    StarCraft - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 15 - Words: 24,784 - Reviews: 29 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 11/1/2014 - Published: 2/23/2013
    Why Kakashi Should Never Read Out Loud by lord of the land of fire reviews
    What would happen if Kakashi started reading out loud passages from his favorite book? The idea for this just occurred to me and I wrote it up. Very light hearted please don't take it too seriously!
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 40 - Words: 35,797 - Reviews: 3272 - Favs: 2,617 - Follows: 1,423 - Updated: 10/30/2014 - Published: 10/26/2007 - Kakashi H. - Complete
    No Victory Dance by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    B:tVS, ID4. Another way the Slayer might have ended up in Sunnydale... and what might have happened after.
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Independence Day - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 5,938 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 20 - Follows: 21 - Updated: 10/27/2014 - Published: 7/10/2005 - Buffy S., R. Giles - Complete
    A Village Hidden In Hope by Marz1 reviews
    Naruto botches his first attempt to summon and ends up in a land without Ninja. Now a bunch of monks called Jedi think he's up to no good, the only way home may require the Darkside aka the Fox, and home may no longer be there.
    Crossover - Star Wars & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 9 - Words: 56,059 - Reviews: 916 - Favs: 1,786 - Follows: 2,045 - Updated: 10/25/2014 - Published: 11/25/2007 - Anakin Skywalker, Naruto U.
    Starting Over by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    WIP. SG1 goes looking for a new linguist in the unlikeliest of places: a private investigative agency in Los Angeles.
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Angel - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 5 - Words: 17,062 - Reviews: 92 - Favs: 153 - Follows: 196 - Updated: 10/25/2014 - Published: 10/22/2006 - J. Quinn, Wesley W.P.
    The Five by Moczo reviews
    Viviane is upset she wasn't invited to join the Five. "Throne of Bhaal" in five parts.
    Baldur's Gate - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 11,851 - Reviews: 1 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 6 - Updated: 10/24/2014 - Published: 3/28/2014
    A Push by lord of the land of fire reviews
    Sansa takes one small action that will have many unseen consequences.
    Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Tragedy - Chapters: 6 - Words: 16,041 - Reviews: 113 - Favs: 305 - Follows: 358 - Updated: 10/23/2014 - Published: 8/1/2013
    A Stranger on the Frontier by keiranhalcyon2010 reviews
    Keiran Swan was going to die, but rescued from death's clutches by our favorite single letter ROB. Now in another universe, burdened with the knowledge of what's to come, he must walk a tight rope of temptation - and truly face the dilemma of a certain famous Vulcan proverb. (SI)
    StarTrek: Deep Space Nine - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 55,344 - Reviews: 189 - Favs: 281 - Follows: 246 - Updated: 10/21/2014 - Published: 3/25/2013 - Jadzia D., B. Sisko
    Extracurricular Activities by Moczo reviews
    Beacon Academy, a school for Huntsmen and Huntresses to learn to do battle with the darkest forces in all the world. It is a place filled with stories of adventure and horror, sorrow and hope, deep and meaningful tales that explore the human condition. These are not those stories. These are any silly, stupid drabbles that come to my twisted mind. But hey, it's something.
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,486 - Reviews: 47 - Favs: 152 - Follows: 104 - Updated: 10/19/2014 - Published: 9/12/2014
    Tale of the Setting Sun by PK Samurai reviews
    Naruto was born with hair as red as his mother's – but with a face and intellect that paralleled his father, the Fourth Hokage. Will the revolution he brings be the world's salvation or destruction? / On Hiatus/
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 22 - Words: 89,542 - Reviews: 1535 - Favs: 4,523 - Follows: 5,168 - Updated: 10/18/2014 - Published: 1/30/2013 - Naruto U.
    Mostly Human by Jonas Grant reviews
    The more powerful one grows, the more they will affect people's lives. One man's saviour is another's devil, so always remember; the choices you made in life brought you to this point. You are what you chose to be.
    Elder Scroll series - Rated: T - English - Spiritual/Fantasy - Chapters: 5 - Words: 18,899 - Reviews: 9 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 10/17/2014 - Published: 6/13/2013
    Harry Potter and the Endless Night by The Sage of Toads reviews
    An infant Harry is adopted into the Hellsing Organization after Alucard went for an enthusiastic walk one fateful Halloween Night. Ten years later and now a Butler and Vampire Hunter for Hellsing, the matter of Harry's birthright still remains... A crossover with Hellsing Ultimate Abridged (Trigger Warnings: ALL OF THEM)
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Hellsing - Rated: M - English - Humor/Horror - Chapters: 5 - Words: 25,433 - Reviews: 176 - Favs: 926 - Follows: 1,030 - Updated: 10/12/2014 - Published: 9/6/2014 - Harry P., Integra, Alucard
    A Thin Veneer by AlbertG reviews
    Captain James T. Kirk Chancellor Gorkon rescues a group of Human refugees from the far side of the galaxy. That simple act of kindness will be the spark a war that ranges across the galaxy and reveal the thinness of the veil that separates civilization fr
    TV X-overs - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 82 - Words: 442,847 - Reviews: 1641 - Favs: 830 - Follows: 691 - Updated: 10/12/2014 - Published: 7/3/2004
    The Downside of Power by Isilithix reviews
    With great power, comes great responsibility. With great power, comes great enemies. In most stories, the bad guys don't usually win. In this story, the bad guys succeed in toppling a powerhouse like no other. They leave his mind broken, and insane.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 12,203 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 44 - Follows: 52 - Updated: 10/9/2014 - Published: 9/21/2011 - Naruto U.
    Percy Jackson and the Demigod Avenger by Werepuppy Black reviews
    A hammer comes crashing into camp. Percy picks it up. Stuff happens.
    Crossover - Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Avengers - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 11 - Words: 10,212 - Reviews: 112 - Favs: 338 - Follows: 503 - Updated: 10/7/2014 - Published: 2/24/2012 - Percy J., Thor, Iron Man/Tony S., Loki
    Swords and Souls: The Game Most Divine! by Zaralann reviews
    Ichigo Kurosaki, the person whose life became like a Game, in far more way than any other person could boast. But where other people would've given up, he kept going forward. With loyal friends by his side and a sword in his hand he will win this Game, no matter what! Bleach/The Gamer Crossover. Ichigo/Harem
    Bleach - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 3 - Words: 26,284 - Reviews: 210 - Favs: 1,016 - Follows: 1,126 - Updated: 10/4/2014 - Published: 9/1/2014 - [Ichigo K., Tatsuki A., Orihime I., Ryo K.]
    Ascend by Sythe reviews
    The Queen of Blades isn't someone a five years old child can easily forget, selective amnesia or not. As Naruto grows up, it becomes harder and harder to make out where she ends and he begins. The gift she leaves in his body doesn't exactly escape the notice of the ninja world either. Mild Starcraft 1 & 2 crossover. Infested Naruto.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 2 - Words: 10,675 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 232 - Follows: 301 - Updated: 10/2/2014 - Published: 4/21/2013 - Naruto U., Hinata H., Sasuke U., Sakura H.
    From Across the Throne of Heroes by Corvus no Genmu reviews
    One-Shot Series. The Holy Grail has become corrupted… controlled by the Evils of the World but there is enough of its core, of her original self, that retains, that remembers… That all rules are made to be broken… So let us witness the wondrous fractures of the Kaleidoscope…
    Fate/stay night - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 15 - Words: 94,328 - Reviews: 343 - Favs: 527 - Follows: 378 - Updated: 10/2/2014 - Published: 1/25/2013 - Rider
    The Familiars of Zero by Corvus no Genmu reviews
    One-Shot Series. "I beg of you… My slave who lives somewhere in the universe! Oh sacred, beautiful and strong familiar spirit! I desire and here I plead from my heart! Answer to my guidance!" What else could they do but answer? R&R
    Familiar of Zero - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Friendship - Chapters: 53 - Words: 298,163 - Reviews: 1106 - Favs: 1,215 - Follows: 818 - Updated: 10/2/2014 - Published: 9/28/2010 - Louise, OC - Complete
    Charm Offensive by Raziel12 reviews
    The Schnee Dust Company has just unleashed its latest weapon in the public relations battle. It's a pity that nobody told Weiss about it.
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,043 - Reviews: 35 - Favs: 124 - Follows: 119 - Updated: 9/26/2014 - Published: 9/5/2014 - [Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee] [Blake Belladonna, Yang Xiao Long]
    Tiberium Resurgence by Lord of the Saiyans reviews
    In the future, a computer intelligence known as SkyNet uses its access to the GDI Ion-Cannon network to rain judgement down upon mankind. The survivors fight to live each day. Hunted by merciless machines, GDI and the Resistance fight a desperate holding action. Hoping and praying that the machines can be beaten. But all is not lost, for hope may come from unlikely places.
    Crossover - Command & Conquer & Terminator - Rated: K - English - Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,887 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 5 - Follows: 7 - Published: 9/24/2014
    Jaune Pees on Weiss by God Emperor Penguin reviews
    Jaune takes a piss on our lovable heiress.
    RWBY - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 469 - Reviews: 36 - Favs: 24 - Follows: 9 - Published: 9/23/2014 - Weiss Schnee, Jaune Arc - Complete
    One and only Son by Juubi-K reviews
    Written for Zaru. Bismarck Waldstein regrets only one thing; that he has no son. When he claims an orphan boy for his own, the course of history takes an unexpected turn.
    Crossover - Code Geass & Gundam 00 - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 22 - Words: 266,714 - Reviews: 326 - Favs: 367 - Follows: 347 - Updated: 9/21/2014 - Published: 9/9/2009 - Cornelia L.B., Setsuna
    The Blind and the Unseeing by Stunning Sunset reviews
    When two jutsu clash, Sakura, injured badly, is sent careening through time to the past. Blind, she has to survive alone in the form of a child. Until she helps a man. And then her peace is destroyed and he won't leave her alone.Rated M just in case.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 126 - Words: 293,843 - Reviews: 5242 - Favs: 2,938 - Follows: 2,557 - Updated: 9/20/2014 - Published: 10/14/2010 - Sakura H., Itachi U., Kisame H. - Complete
    Different City by wentworth360 reviews
    Different Origins, different first encounters
    Justice League - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Romance - Chapters: 50 - Words: 198,583 - Reviews: 864 - Favs: 381 - Follows: 325 - Updated: 9/18/2014 - Published: 6/22/2013 - Dinah L./Black Canary, Clark K./Kal-El/Superman, Selina K./Catwoman - Complete
    First Try: Team Tetsuo by Lucillia reviews
    Kakashi was a bit late to fill out a bit of paperwork, and Tetsuo manages to keep Naruto as his student and gain that year's Rookie of the Year and Top Kunoichi. With what he sees as a potential dream team, or at least one that won't drag Naruto down, he decides to prepare them for the Winter Chunin Exams that are coming up in two months. Diverges from First Try Chapter 11.
    Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 40 - Words: 88,911 - Reviews: 1282 - Favs: 2,087 - Follows: 2,340 - Updated: 9/18/2014 - Published: 6/29/2012 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H.
    Your Princess is in Another Castle by sadistic lunatic reviews
    :: Post-S02E06 One-Shot :: Jaune thinks he's okay. Nora thinks opposite. What follows is a bromance unlike any other.
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,185 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 147 - Follows: 51 - Published: 9/14/2014 - Jaune Arc, Nora Valkyrie - Complete
    Masks by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    Is she Itachi? Is she Emiko? Is she Julia? Her masks keep appearing, her masks keep slipping. Her role keeps changing. Who is she? Sequel to ATWAS
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,382 - Reviews: 92 - Favs: 321 - Follows: 219 - Updated: 9/13/2014 - Published: 1/6/2014 - Sasuke U., Kisame H., Akatsuki - Complete
    Yang-dere by God Emperor Penguin reviews
    Jaune is sick in bed with a cold while the rest of his team is out on a mission. Not one to leave the helpless unassisted, Yang decides to take care of the ill team leader of Team JNPR by making him a nice, nutritious, and meaty porridge with extra special ingredients.
    RWBY - Rated: M - English - Horror/Romance - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,652 - Reviews: 54 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 37 - Published: 9/13/2014 - Yang Xiao Long, Jaune Arc - Complete
    Weiss, What's a Blowjob? by God Emperor Penguin reviews
    An innocent question from Jaune leads Weiss to rethink everything she knows about love, boys, and what she puts in her mouth.
    RWBY - Rated: M - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,053 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 96 - Follows: 39 - Published: 9/11/2014 - Weiss Schnee, Jaune Arc - Complete
    An Archer in a Strange Land by Dr Gonzo reviews
    The world's most dangerous spy in the world's most dangerous city. ..What could possibly go wrong?
    Crossover - Black Lagoon & Archer - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 8,713 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 52 - Follows: 53 - Updated: 9/9/2014 - Published: 7/16/2014
    Play to Your Best Card by JakeCrown reviews
    (Abandoned)A self-insert into the fandom without all that stupid romance and drama bull. Conquering the world in a brutal and creative way using modern learnings and foreknowledge of G.R.R.M's work. Warning for war crimes and brutality. Re-write is up.
    Crossover - A song of Ice and Fire & Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Fantasy/Humor - Chapters: 16 - Words: 25,762 - Reviews: 188 - Favs: 348 - Follows: 372 - Updated: 9/8/2014 - Published: 5/4/2013 - Complete
    Journey of a Lilmothiit by Jhonie reviews
    During his training trip, Naruto stumbles upon the ancient remnants of a once-proud people. One thing leads to another, and within only a few hours, Jiraya is left alone, the Kyuubi has a mental breakdown and Naruto finds finds himself stuck in a very cold land, in a body he is pretty sure is not the one he had last night and a bunch of dragons who seems to want him dead...
    Crossover - Naruto & Elder Scroll series - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 7 - Words: 31,176 - Reviews: 220 - Favs: 554 - Follows: 711 - Updated: 9/6/2014 - Published: 10/27/2012 - Naruto U., Dragonborn/Dovahkiin
    Ike versus the Fourth Wall by Moczo reviews
    Read about the adventures of Ike and all your Tellius-based friends as they struggle with the random number god, blatant cheating, poor AI, blood pacts, mind-crushing, and much more! Starring pretty much everyone. Except Makalov, since no one likes him.
    Fire Emblem - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 43 - Words: 50,609 - Reviews: 260 - Favs: 165 - Follows: 96 - Updated: 9/3/2014 - Published: 9/2/2011 - Ike, Micaiah, Black Knight - Complete
    A Dead World by Laluzi reviews
    He had been captured; Alex Mercer knew that much was obvious. But if that was the case, why had his captors just left him there without security? How had he ended up in a bunker buried in some kind of giant desert? Where was everyone? And when the hell did bottlecaps become currency?
    Crossover - Fallout & Prototype - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Suspense - Chapters: 17 - Words: 136,301 - Reviews: 630 - Favs: 1,082 - Follows: 1,202 - Updated: 8/30/2014 - Published: 10/11/2012 - Arcade G., Courier, Alex M./Zeus
    A Will of Steel by Kisdota-The Freak Gamer reviews
    The weapons of RWBY and JNPR. They're a representation of each of them, an extension of themselves, the tools used to defend the world from the tyrrany of the Grimm threat. They could also be your best friend, like the sister or brother you never had, and sometimes they're a pain in the butt to deal with. Wanna see what I mean?
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 12 - Words: 44,036 - Reviews: 298 - Favs: 457 - Follows: 553 - Updated: 8/27/2014 - Published: 1/3/2014
    The First Movement of the Odyssey by Crazy-88 reviews
    "You are the Fifth Race. Your role is clear. If there is any hope in preserving the future, it lies with you and your people" Because all it takes is one ship. Perhaps in the wrong place... But unquestionably, at the right time.
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Halo - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 166,700 - Reviews: 204 - Favs: 567 - Follows: 660 - Updated: 8/20/2014 - Published: 7/15/2013
    Sight by cywscross reviews
    Ichigo can see ghosts. He can see Shinigami and Hollows, and that's fine with him, if not always safe. But he kind of wishes that he doesn't also see Zanpakutou spirits. All Zanpakutou spirits. Because apparently, no one else can.
    Bleach - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 5 - Words: 72,766 - Reviews: 2063 - Favs: 6,781 - Follows: 6,417 - Updated: 8/20/2014 - Published: 5/11/2014 - Ichigo K.
    Fragmented Ideas by Chilord reviews
    A variety incompleted story starts that will not likely be finished.
    X-overs - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 60 - Words: 301,056 - Reviews: 1230 - Favs: 755 - Follows: 544 - Updated: 8/19/2014 - Published: 6/6/2009 - Complete
    Werepire LesYAY! by Shadow Crystal Mage reviews
    Riza has jealous girls stalking her. Reiri has girls asking her if she's living in sin with the red-headed gaijin. Everyone's telling them to stop being in denial. When did they become a couple and not know it? Les-yay, Riza/Reiri fun, CRACK! and denial.
    Princess Resurrection/怪物王女 - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,720 - Reviews: 72 - Favs: 74 - Follows: 57 - Updated: 8/19/2014 - Published: 3/16/2010 - Riza W., Reiri K.
    My Wish Order Brother by PiperDreamer reviews
    Naruto, after seeing a child get defended by his older brother, makes a wish on a wishing star for an older brother too. What he got was a girly looking art freak with mouths on his hands. Updates are slow, and grammar is not perfect but it is mostly legible.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 34 - Words: 199,165 - Reviews: 2689 - Favs: 2,917 - Follows: 2,556 - Updated: 8/18/2014 - Published: 4/7/2009 - Naruto U., Deidara
    Don't Poke the Golden Goose by Lucillia reviews
    Lois discovers that Clark, Clark who can't make his deadline half the time, gets paid more than her at Perry's recommendation.
    Superman - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,330 - Reviews: 77 - Favs: 285 - Follows: 109 - Updated: 8/14/2014 - Published: 7/21/2014 - Lois L., Perry W. - Complete
    Unmasked Cover by Dreamyin reviews
    The Kakashi that everyone knew was laid-back, masked, hid an eye and had this crazy gravity-defying hair that one couldn't help but stare at upon meeting him. Now, what better choice could you possibly make when you needed someone to go undercover in Konoha without anyone knowing? That said Jounin didn't like doing so? Well, Tsunade thought, he would just have to deal with it.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 12,466 - Reviews: 61 - Favs: 103 - Follows: 140 - Updated: 8/4/2014 - Published: 4/14/2014 - Kakashi H.
    Sentinels by Andrew Joshua Talon reviews
    What if the US government response to mutants was a bit more... Measured? One-shot.
    X-Men - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 660 - Reviews: 27 - Favs: 128 - Follows: 37 - Published: 8/3/2014 - Complete
    The Chess Match by anja-chan reviews
    After the Britannian Empire invades Japan in search of Kira, Light finds himself in the perfect position to find the true names of the Nobility: Ashford Academy. Enter Lelouch, a chessboard, and a clash of philosophy.
    Crossover - Death Note & Code Geass - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 14 - Words: 76,192 - Reviews: 593 - Favs: 560 - Follows: 672 - Updated: 8/3/2014 - Published: 4/18/2008 - Light Y., Lelouch L.
    New Wind Nation by Kyogre reviews
    Complete. AU. Naruto is a new genin of the Hidden Sand Village. Unfortunately, no one except Naruto believes he'll last long – especially not when he volunteers to become Gaara's teammate.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 13 - Words: 51,777 - Reviews: 516 - Favs: 1,583 - Follows: 826 - Updated: 8/1/2014 - Published: 4/22/2009 - Naruto U., Gaara - Complete
    Beyond the Outer Gate Lies by gabriel blessing reviews
    Harry Dresden had thought he'd seen it all. So had the voice inside his head for that matter. But when one of his all too typical wild weekends ends up with him stranded far outside the Outer Gates, beyond the stretch of even creation itself, he finds out that there are other things out there, laying in wait. Still doesn't make it any easier to make rent on time though...
    Crossover - Dresden Files & High School DxD/ハイスクールD×D - Rated: M - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 140,107 - Reviews: 714 - Favs: 2,414 - Follows: 2,139 - Updated: 7/22/2014 - Published: 3/20/2014
    Not home anymore by ItY'girl reviews
    Hellsing Naruto Crossover.While fighting a fierce battle, Ino was sent to another dimension to her doom. How will our blonde kunoichi handle England, and how will she fit in the battle going on between the Hellsing organisation and the Freaks? This & more
    Crossover - Hellsing & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Horror/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 58,057 - Reviews: 108 - Favs: 151 - Follows: 140 - Updated: 7/22/2014 - Published: 2/9/2009 - Alucard, Ino Y.
    Breath of Fire by freakyanimegal reviews
    Upon getting separated from his father and Colette on their exsphere hunt,Lloyd stumbles upon a rather odd spectacle. A large cavern containing heaps of treasure. If that wasn't odd enough in itself, there was the strange effect it seemed to have on him. Despite intruding on a dragon's den, he found his own behavior becoming rather inhuman as well...
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Drama/Fantasy - Chapters: 9 - Words: 20,090 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 61 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 7/19/2014 - Published: 6/3/2012 - Lloyd I., Kratos A.
    Missing Number by Delusional Fishies reviews
    The day Mom died changed things. Well, now Taylor realized, after agonizing over trying to remember, to fix, and change that instance, that that it was her who changed most. But having a Tinker power isn't even as safe as having bugs, and she sure as hell isn't going to trust as easily as before...
    Crossover - Pokémon & Worm - Rated: T - English - Angst/Humor - Chapters: 10 - Words: 15,585 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 233 - Follows: 250 - Updated: 7/19/2014 - Published: 6/28/2014 - Arceus, Skitter
    No Gods, Only Guns by Peptuck reviews
    Ancient artifacts of immense power. Murderous synthetics. Ruthless megacorps. Unscrupulous mercenaries. Genocidal stellar god-machines. Incompetent galactic governments. Claptrap dubstep. The horrors of the galaxy are many, but there's one thing a good, mentally-unstable fortune-seeking antihero can rely on: the gun at his, her, or its side. Mass Effect/Borderlands fusion.
    Crossover - Mass Effect & Borderlands - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 141,747 - Reviews: 377 - Favs: 720 - Follows: 713 - Updated: 7/19/2014 - Published: 1/21/2013
    21st Century Schizoid Man by Puratinamu Disuko reviews
    Seeing through the other side; search for power to stay by her side; losing both body and mind; twenty-first century schizoid man.
    Crossover - Medaka Box/めだかボックス & Cthulhu Mythos - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 9 - Words: 92,379 - Reviews: 112 - Favs: 239 - Follows: 228 - Updated: 7/16/2014 - Published: 5/23/2014 - Zenkichi H.
    The Merge by Dr. TechnoBabel reviews
    A look at what would happen if the universes converged on each other during the most turbulent time in Marvel history, as well as the long-term ramifications.
    Marvel vs Capcom - Rated: T - English - Drama/Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 20,655 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 18 - Updated: 7/14/2014 - Published: 2/17/2012
    Decaying Bluebells by Darkpetal16 reviews
    The Chaos Theory dictates that the smallest pebble dropped into the ocean would create the greatest of tidal waves. How much change could one new life make, if added to a world it was never meant to be in? Self-Insert, OC. -COMPLETE-
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 45 - Words: 188,168 - Reviews: 3133 - Favs: 2,306 - Follows: 1,977 - Updated: 7/14/2014 - Published: 4/3/2013 - Naruto U., Kakashi H., Yagura, OC - Complete
    The Circle Must be Broken by Todeswind reviews
    Babylon five is a haven for warriors, idealists, dreamers, and wanderers. How much damage can one more ship of fanatics do in the long run?
    Crossover - Babylon 5 & Warhammer - Rated: M - English - Mystery/Adventure - Chapters: 21 - Words: 474,987 - Reviews: 244 - Favs: 244 - Follows: 229 - Updated: 7/13/2014 - Published: 8/30/2010
    Saruman of many Devices by Saphroneth reviews
    Alone of every power in Middle-Earth, Saruman innovates, notably gunpowder. But he lost. What if he had a little help? Actually a cross-over between LOTR and the General series by David Drake. Uses both book and movie elements.
    Crossover - Lord of the Rings & Book X-overs - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Fantasy - Chapters: 12 - Words: 109,994 - Reviews: 371 - Favs: 933 - Follows: 914 - Updated: 7/9/2014 - Published: 11/20/2011 - Saruman
    Ice Dragon Jedi by Alasse Earfalas reviews
    When Toshiro is sent to investigate a new dimension right after returning from Karakura Town, he winds up in the Jedi Temple. His power is soon noticed by the Sith, prompting Yoda to teach Toshiro about the dangers of anger and the Dark Side. HitsuHina
    Crossover - Star Wars & Bleach - Rated: T - English - Drama/Suspense - Chapters: 41 - Words: 70,151 - Reviews: 198 - Favs: 240 - Follows: 226 - Updated: 7/7/2014 - Published: 1/25/2010 - Yoda, T. Hitsugaya
    Foundling by freakyanimegal reviews
    (-Picture is of the mother-) She found him at the sacred ground, at the holy site of the King of Spirits. Odd, for a human child to be abandoned so far into the forest, even more odd for a child to be found at Origin's shrine. Still, she couldn't just leave him there.
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 6 - Words: 11,711 - Reviews: 59 - Favs: 42 - Follows: 56 - Updated: 7/7/2014 - Published: 9/18/2011 - Kratos A., Origin
    The Hammer by Andrew Joshua Talon reviews
    Thor, Jane, and "hammers".
    Avengers - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 721 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 48 - Follows: 14 - Published: 7/4/2014 - Thor - Complete
    Not Your Average Konoha Academy Graduate by Diresquirrel reviews
    The castle just collapsed and it wasn't my fault. Really. Can't a guy have a beachside vacation in peace? If you don't know, I'm Naruto Uzumaki. I'm a wizard. Here's my card. And for the last time: no, I don't do love potions.
    Crossover - Naruto & Dresden Files - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Mystery - Chapters: 6 - Words: 22,914 - Reviews: 211 - Favs: 737 - Follows: 808 - Updated: 7/4/2014 - Published: 10/28/2011 - Naruto U., Bob
    Amity's Arrancar by Chash123 reviews
    What if Danny Fenton hadn't become a Halfa during the Ghost Portal accident. What if the Ghost Portal had actually pierced through the fabric of a different dimension and he had become half-Arrancar instead? Inspired by the "Arrancar in Amity" challenge. Co-authored by Chash123 and Sharkteeth.
    Crossover - Bleach & Danny Phantom - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 24 - Words: 155,138 - Reviews: 390 - Favs: 488 - Follows: 406 - Updated: 7/4/2014 - Published: 8/20/2011 - Danny F.
    Terran Ingenuity by Xeno Major reviews
    The Great Wars are over. Jim Raynor and his men have left the Koprulu Sector behind, choosing to settle a world away from that sector of space. Unfortunately, the colony of Shanxi is not safe; hostile aliens have invaded, intent on controlling the Terrans and their bizarre technology. Unfortunately for the Turians, the Terrans have experience fighting hostile alien invaders.
    Crossover - StarCraft & Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 7 - Words: 90,510 - Reviews: 498 - Favs: 1,520 - Follows: 1,718 - Updated: 7/1/2014 - Published: 3/24/2013
    A Pet Wizard by Qaint reviews
    After Harry's fourth year, he is summoned as Louise's familiar instead of Saito. A boy who has faced prejudice and elitism all his life is thrown into the magical feudal society of Halkegenia. Separated from his former friends in an academy filled with aristocrats for whom heritage equals power, Harry will need all of his wits to find a way home.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Familiar of Zero - Rated: T - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 6 - Words: 39,697 - Reviews: 288 - Favs: 996 - Follows: 1,359 - Updated: 7/1/2014 - Published: 7/30/2012 - Harry P., Louise
    Wait, That's My Team by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    The new generation is kind of shocking.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,140 - Reviews: 20 - Favs: 70 - Follows: 23 - Published: 7/1/2014 - Team Seven, Team Eight, Team Ten, Team Gai - Complete
    Dead or Damned by rgm0005 reviews
    I know this is a bad idea. If I just die doing this, I'll be lucky, and I'm probably not. But...I have to, even knowing the cost. Sometimes you just have to do something, even knowing its horrible and dangerous, because its the only way you can live with yourself afterwards. I'll get out of here and come back to you, Annabeth, no matter what it takes. I love you. Forgive me.
    Crossover - Dresden Files & Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,935 - Reviews: 13 - Favs: 67 - Follows: 77 - Published: 6/29/2014
    Dead Man Walking by cywscross reviews
    Kreacher goes back to save his master, and Regulus survives but his near-death-by-Inferi puts him into a coma for the next sixteen years. When he wakes, well, the world is not so different. Voldemort is still at large, and the Ministry is still inept. His brother's got a godson now though, so it's only natural for Regulus to keep an eye on young Harry as well.
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Family/Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 52,456 - Reviews: 1291 - Favs: 3,391 - Follows: 3,639 - Updated: 6/23/2014 - Published: 11/9/2013 - Regulus B., Harry P., Sirius B.
    Trial By Tenderness by Cevn reviews
    TBT: A self-insert FanNovel immersing the reader in an outpouring of compassion, desperation and spirit amidst the rubble of bliss and the storms of uncertainty. Intense, emotional, spellbinding, romantic, taking Goddesses/Demonesses deep into their Souls
    Oh My Goddess! - Rated: M - English - Drama/Fantasy - Chapters: 170 - Words: 2,212,636 - Reviews: 158 - Favs: 188 - Follows: 103 - Updated: 6/21/2014 - Published: 11/6/2001
    Lelouch of Britannia by Cal reflector reviews
    History often hinges on a moment. What if young Lelouch avoided the fate of exile and remained with the royal family? All roles become reversed. The tale of Lelouch's quest for power and vengeance as the Black Prince of the Empire.
    Code Geass - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 29 - Words: 138,685 - Reviews: 2903 - Favs: 3,808 - Follows: 3,340 - Updated: 6/21/2014 - Published: 10/2/2007 - Lelouch L.
    Genius is a Curse by Bloodshot Eyes reviews
    If Light had never touched the Death Note, would he ever have found an escape from the depression and boredom that plagued him? Would he have had a future at all? T for dark themes.
    Death Note - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 46 - Words: 179,298 - Reviews: 2460 - Favs: 2,182 - Follows: 2,060 - Updated: 6/20/2014 - Published: 1/23/2008 - Light Y., L
    An Idiot's Guide to the Universe by muishiki reviews
    Naruto asked the wrong question one day. Everyone knows he's not the sharpest kunai in the pouch, but between dumb luck and sheer stupidity, just maybe he can figure out how to get home. Naruto multi-cross. Crack fic.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 117,874 - Reviews: 846 - Favs: 1,318 - Follows: 1,361 - Updated: 6/18/2014 - Published: 3/9/2008 - Naruto U.
    Prince of the Dark Kingdom by Mizuni-sama reviews
    Ten years ago, Voldemort created his kingdom. Now a confused young wizard stumbles into it, and carves out a destiny. AU. Nondark Harry. MentorVoldemort. VII Ch.8 In which someone is dead, wounded, or kidnapped in every scene.
    Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 147 - Words: 1,253,480 - Reviews: 10555 - Favs: 6,010 - Follows: 5,396 - Updated: 6/17/2014 - Published: 9/3/2007 - Harry P., Voldemort
    Of the Day's Annoyances by Lucillia reviews
    Excerpts from the journal of a Hyuuga Hiashi who raises Naruto. October 12, Potty Training: How is this my responsibility?
    Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 3,880 - Reviews: 256 - Favs: 882 - Follows: 856 - Updated: 6/17/2014 - Published: 5/27/2011 - Hiashi H., Naruto U., Neji H., Sasuke U.
    Naruto: After the Fall by Captain Lycan reviews
    Plot: Naruto lost the war, his way, and possibly his mind. Unfortunately the people who try to help him pick the pieces find their own faults laid bare in the face of increasingly ruthless enemies in a world that fears and hates them all.
    Crossover - X-Men: Evolution & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 8 - Words: 50,569 - Reviews: 128 - Favs: 305 - Follows: 367 - Updated: 6/17/2014 - Published: 2/19/2014 - Naruto U.
    Apocalypse Now by Asmarath reviews
    During the old republic, a team of scientists discover an extinct civilization on an unknown world far out in the outer rim. By accident, the scientists unleash the greatest predator the galaxy has ever seen. Beware, because Alex Mercer is hungry.
    Crossover - Star Wars & Prototype - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 25 - Words: 66,769 - Reviews: 479 - Favs: 672 - Follows: 754 - Updated: 6/17/2014 - Published: 5/14/2012 - Revan, Alex M./Zeus
    Of Mouse and Man by Wrathie Winsre reviews
    A wiki for the ideal, a challenge for the Fallen God. The administrator, Argo sought the true identity of the Capturing God... deep within SAO.
    Crossover - World Only God Knows/神のみぞ知るセカイ & Sword Art Online/ソードアート・オンライン - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 57,468 - Reviews: 113 - Favs: 203 - Follows: 207 - Updated: 6/14/2014 - Published: 1/10/2014
    Hitchups by The Antic Repartee reviews
    Hiccup didn't see the point in stopping Astrid as she ran off towards his village—towards his father—with his most desperately protected secret. He was leaving anyway. A coming-of-age tale. Deviates from movie. Borderline bromantic-comedy.
    How to Train Your Dragon - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 40 - Words: 308,130 - Reviews: 4326 - Favs: 6,124 - Follows: 2,707 - Updated: 6/12/2014 - Published: 9/12/2010 - Astrid, Hiccup, Toothless, Gothi - Complete
    Rebirth by the.shrewd.ravenclaw reviews
    In death I found life, life in another form and in another universe. OC Naruto.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 16 - Words: 27,731 - Reviews: 348 - Favs: 870 - Follows: 1,232 - Updated: 6/11/2014 - Published: 1/7/2013 - Naruto U., Hiruzen S., OC
    False Starts Harry Potter by Diresquirrel reviews
    A series of disjointed story ideas that never went anywhere. They're all HP of sorts, with different twists and ideas that ran out before they became full fledged stories.
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 18 - Words: 73,619 - Reviews: 508 - Favs: 514 - Follows: 420 - Updated: 6/11/2014 - Published: 7/9/2011 - Harry P.
    Knight Errant by JA Baker reviews
    There are few problems in the multiverse that can not be solved by the appropriate application of Bolo's...
    Crossover - TV X-overs & Bolo series - Rated: K+ - English - Fantasy/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 6 - Words: 11,762 - Reviews: 142 - Favs: 165 - Follows: 77 - Updated: 6/10/2014 - Published: 9/22/2008 - Complete
    The Musings of the Future Rokudaime by Dreamyin reviews
    "Dear Naruto-kun. It has only been one day of your fourteen-days training period so far and you have already shown how… expressive you tend to be towards everyone. Seriously brat, you need to develop a bit more tact, so this little 'diary' booklet will be part of your training. Write in it. I bet you will just LOVE this." Naruto himself wasn't quite sure yet...
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,577 - Reviews: 26 - Favs: 37 - Follows: 48 - Updated: 6/8/2014 - Published: 1/27/2013 - Naruto U.
    Naruto: Game of the Year Edition by Majin Hentai X reviews
    On Hiatus due to Real Life and I'm sorry so deeply sorry for the broken promise
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Parody - Chapters: 22 - Words: 208,515 - Reviews: 2602 - Favs: 4,812 - Follows: 4,823 - Updated: 6/3/2014 - Published: 1/27/2009 - Naruto U.
    The Grim, Dark Future by Chris Stork reviews
    We cannot live through this. Mankind cannot live through this. If they are truly without number then our race is doomed to a violent death before every shred of our civilization is scoured away by a force more voracious than the fires of hell themselves!
    Crossover - Warhammer & Hellsing - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Supernatural - Chapters: 21 - Words: 49,296 - Reviews: 66 - Favs: 101 - Follows: 101 - Updated: 6/2/2014 - Published: 1/5/2008 - Seras
    A Scandal in Baker Street by Muffliato reviews
    The Potters' move to 221 Baker Street was fairly misguided. Yes, the nosy neighbours and poisonous press weren't outright trying to kill them. But a consulting criminal knows exactly how to burn their hearts. So as London falls and memories shatter, a hero may be rewritten. — Almost canon compliant for HP and SH 1&2. Book 1 is finished! Working on Book 2 with PotterWhoLock.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Sherlock - Rated: K+ - English - Mystery/Family - Chapters: 27 - Words: 184,299 - Reviews: 418 - Favs: 498 - Follows: 765 - Updated: 5/31/2014 - Published: 5/11/2012 - [Harry P., Ginny W.] [Sherlock H., John W.]
    Master of the Boot's Deadliest Warrior by Master of the Boot reviews
    Inspired by Spike TV's awsome show, watch as the deadliest warriors in all fiction go head to head with each other. Suggestions will be accepted. Mental vs Raynor is on hiatus but we have all new fight up :)
    X-overs - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 258,289 - Reviews: 190 - Favs: 43 - Follows: 32 - Updated: 5/27/2014 - Published: 6/6/2010
    Pömnuria Hjarta er Medh Ono by Kaytoko reviews
    Five years have passed since the end of the war, and the world has moved on toward a time of peace and progress under the steady rule of Queen Nasuada. But even in peace, there are those who wish to see it end. Disturbances brew in Surda and the Red Rider returns to Alagaësia with complications of his own. A story of redemption, conspiracy, adventure and the power of love. MxN
    Inheritance Cycle - Rated: T - English - Romance/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 23 - Words: 80,549 - Reviews: 471 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 259 - Updated: 5/27/2014 - Published: 11/14/2011 - Murtagh, Nasuada
    Evolution by NeonZangetsu reviews
    Cast aside by society. Abhored by humanity. These are but two of the trials he is destined to endure. Fate however, will not allow this young shinobi-turned-mutant to endure them alone. Because the future has never been set in stone; as with all things it is rarely certain. Always changing, ever in motion, never at rest. Indeed, it is always...evolving. Narutoxharem!
    Crossover - X-Men: Evolution & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,826 - Reviews: 85 - Favs: 404 - Follows: 415 - Updated: 5/24/2014 - Published: 10/14/2011 - Jean Grey, Rogue/Anna Marie, Shadowcat/Katherine P./Kitty P., Naruto U.
    Doctor Dearest by Lucillia reviews
    Auror Harry Potter runs into the Tenth Doctor during School Reunion, however, matters are slightly complicated by the fact that a future incarnation of the Doctor is Harry's mother. During a couple adventures together, Harry gets to know one of the parents he lost.
    Crossover - Doctor Who & Harry Potter - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 4 - Words: 5,841 - Reviews: 58 - Favs: 234 - Follows: 332 - Updated: 5/21/2014 - Published: 2/6/2012 - 10th Doctor, Harry P.
    No Way In Hell by Lucillia reviews
    After Kakashi inadvertently slips up, Sasuke and Sakura discover who Naruto's parents were. Sasuke refuses to believe that Naruto is the son of the Fourth Hokage despite all of the evidence he gathers that points to that fact.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 9,121 - Reviews: 1012 - Favs: 3,010 - Follows: 1,850 - Updated: 5/20/2014 - Published: 1/18/2010 - Sasuke U., Naruto U. - Complete
    Against the Odds by PolarPanther reviews
    Who would have thought that Harry Potter had living relatives other than the Durselys? Living relatives he could actually get along with, and were just as odd as he was!
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 14 - Words: 122,456 - Reviews: 1741 - Favs: 4,042 - Follows: 4,746 - Updated: 5/10/2014 - Published: 9/12/2009 - Harry P., Naruto U.
    The Complicated Detour to Evolution by PolarPanther reviews
    Killing Aizen had just risen in priority. Not only was Grimmjow far from Hueco Mundo in his old Adjuchas form, but he was stuck with three retarded brats who refused to leave him alone when he had better things to do.
    Crossover - Naruto & Bleach - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 13 - Words: 52,663 - Reviews: 204 - Favs: 536 - Follows: 534 - Updated: 5/10/2014 - Published: 11/2/2011 - Team Seven, Grimmjow J.
    Fish Out of Water by the Marysue Murderess reviews
    I read once that water is a symbol for emotions. And for a while now, I've thought maybe I drowned in both. [OC SI]
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,741 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 117 - Updated: 5/10/2014 - Published: 3/18/2014 - OC
    The Darkness of Equestria by OnlineImhotep reviews
    The only real ninja manages to blend in among the ponyfolk.
    Crossover - My Little Pony & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 9,341 - Reviews: 23 - Favs: 49 - Follows: 64 - Updated: 5/10/2014 - Published: 11/26/2013 - Danzō S.
    Vaster Than Empires by Ayezur reviews
    AU. Early summer, 1601. The Western Army is defeated; the country stands, uneasy, under the hand of the Tokugawa. Kaoru Kamiya, whose family was on the losing side, has been sold into marriage for the sake of peace. Her new husband is a legend, a demon bound in human form, marked by his blood-lust and his bright red hair. However, legends have a way of being not exactly... true.
    Rurouni Kenshin - Rated: T - English - Romance/Drama - Chapters: 17 - Words: 170,908 - Reviews: 770 - Favs: 1,198 - Follows: 863 - Updated: 5/8/2014 - Published: 2/20/2013 - [Kaoru, Kenshin] - Complete
    Time Jump by cywscross reviews
    Six months after their exile from Soul Society, Urahara cooks up a machine for a glimpse of the future. As with most of Urahara's experiments, things don't go quite as planned.
    Bleach - Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 5,195 - Reviews: 210 - Favs: 1,690 - Follows: 382 - Published: 5/6/2014 - Ichigo K., Shinji H., K. Urahara - Complete
    From Perdition by Tashilover reviews
    Something is wrong with Obi-Wan. He's hearing voices, having strange dreams, and he thinks he's being followed by a man with blue eyes. And yet, something about it all feels very familiar, very old.
    Crossover - Star Wars & Supernatural - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Supernatural - Chapters: 22 - Words: 32,066 - Reviews: 301 - Favs: 208 - Follows: 286 - Updated: 5/2/2014 - Published: 4/27/2010 - Obi-Wan K., Dean W.
    False Starts Naruto by Diresquirrel reviews
    This is a series of ideas and blips that started out, but I wasn't ever able to fully flesh out. Some good, some not so good, but most have a silly side to them. All focus on the Naruto 'verse, specifically on the manga.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 9 - Words: 24,077 - Reviews: 116 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 172 - Updated: 4/28/2014 - Published: 4/25/2012 - Naruto U.
    Frostblood by Poicephalus reviews
    "There must always be a Lich King…" Upon Arthas' demise, the role falls unexpectedly to Jaina Proudmoore. And she's not the only one dismayed by her 'promotion'... AU! Co-starring Kel'Thuzad & Jaina's emo subconscious.
    Warcraft - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 22 - Words: 189,819 - Reviews: 513 - Favs: 644 - Follows: 529 - Updated: 4/27/2014 - Published: 10/24/2010 - Jaina Proudmoore, The Scourge - Complete
    Marvel Phantom by Slayer Anderson reviews
    So...the Fentons punch a hole through to the afterlife in their basement and develop unparalleled hover technology and...they're crackpots? Being taken seriously can be good...and bad, especially if you attract the notice of Howard Stark, S.H.I.E.L.D, A.I.M, and a host of other agencies. Suddenly, the Fentons have to contend with a world wider and stranger than they ever imagined.
    Crossover - Marvel & Danny Phantom - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 7 - Words: 74,340 - Reviews: 445 - Favs: 807 - Follows: 755 - Updated: 4/26/2014 - Published: 4/18/2013 - Danny F.
    L'Arc en Ciel by Rogue Vector reviews
    It's no secret that Jaune Arc wanted to become a popular guy. He never quite expected for it to actually happen. From the smallest of favors comes the days which follow. Basically, taking a bunch of cliches and making them work. Reviews appreciated. Enjoy!
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 5,417 - Reviews: 30 - Favs: 113 - Follows: 130 - Updated: 4/23/2014 - Published: 1/16/2014 - Jaune Arc
    Total Eclipse by Moczo reviews
    Sequel to "Tea Time." Werewolves are on the loose, and poor Aziraphale Swan will soon find herself longing for the days when the supernatural world consisted only of sparkling vampires.
    Good Omens - Rated: T - English - Romance/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 6,658 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 10 - Follows: 14 - Updated: 4/21/2014 - Published: 3/10/2014 - Aziraphale, A. Crowley
    Blue Coats and Guarding the Rifts by Colleen reviews
    You wouldn't think that Jack having a backup coat and uniform would have been a bad idea, but when rifts, hellmouths and Halloween combine Xander ends up in a great coat of trouble. BtVS/Torchwood crossover.
    Crossover - Buffy X-overs & Torchwood - Rated: M - English - Supernatural/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 11 - Words: 60,163 - Reviews: 171 - Favs: 396 - Follows: 507 - Updated: 4/19/2014 - Published: 2/25/2009 - Jack H.
    The Ultimecia Affair by Prodigy reviews
    A gritty, reimagined novelization of the Final Fantasy 8 story! Chapter XXVIII: Prison Break Part 2, Posted April 13th, 2014.
    Final Fantasy VIII - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 35 - Words: 345,507 - Reviews: 205 - Favs: 97 - Follows: 78 - Updated: 4/13/2014 - Published: 4/2/2005 - Rinoa H., Seifer A., Squall L.
    Shinji and Warhammer40k by Charles Bhepin reviews
    Shinji Ikari finds a boxful of insanity and becomes even more unhinged than before. Somehow, this is A Good Thing. As the grim dark future melts into stark bleak present, upon a throne of tropes humanity might find the savior it so requires.
    Crossover - Evangelion & Warhammer - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 48 - Words: 755,729 - Reviews: 1675 - Favs: 2,519 - Follows: 1,804 - Updated: 4/4/2014 - Published: 11/11/2007
    Magical Me by Publicola reviews
    Most self-inserts are exercises in vanity, and nothing says 'vanity' quite like Gilderoy Lockhart. But with a new personality and knowledge of the future, who knows? Maybe Lockhart will turn out to be a useful DADA teacher after all. (Formerly titled 'Gilding the Son of Lily').
    Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 15 - Words: 82,574 - Reviews: 871 - Favs: 1,777 - Follows: 2,016 - Updated: 4/1/2014 - Published: 7/15/2012 - Gilderoy L., F. Flitwick, Hestia J., Amelia B.
    The Fearful Void by EarthScorpion reviews
    She was a very disturbed child. Terrible, debilitating nightmares. Hallucinations. Hysteria. She never had a chance at a normal life. But now at least Louise has a chance to summon a beautiful and powerful familiar at the Springtime Summoning Ritual. And somewhere else, a seven year old girl cries for release. Contains scenes of a disturbingly moe/disturbing nature
    Crossover - F.E.A.R. & Familiar of Zero - Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Horror - Chapters: 23 - Words: 40,525 - Reviews: 240 - Favs: 420 - Follows: 474 - Updated: 3/26/2014 - Published: 8/8/2012 - Alma W., Louise
    I wouldn't exactly call that sitting by dogbertcarroll reviews
    Xander is chosen... To babysit Dawn while Joyce joins Giles searching for Buffy in LA following the Alcatha incident. Unfortunately for Xander, Dawn has a plan, The Mayor has a spell, and TV has its first live broadcast Reality Show!
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & X-overs - Rated: T - English - Humor/Supernatural - Chapters: 20 - Words: 51,141 - Reviews: 683 - Favs: 1,085 - Follows: 537 - Updated: 3/24/2014 - Published: 1/16/2010 - Xander H. - Complete
    Fool's Gold by labyrinths reviews
    "They said you might have been king and are a fool to have refused a crown," she said, making him frown. AU: Cersei marries Ned Stark.
    A song of Ice and Fire - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 19 - Words: 21,187 - Reviews: 462 - Favs: 1,171 - Follows: 871 - Updated: 3/19/2014 - Published: 9/27/2012 - Cersei L., Eddard S./Ned - Complete
    Slightly Less Traumatic by Sarah1281 reviews
    Naruto pesters Sasuke while he's training delaying him getting home. He's so late, in fact, that Itachi simply doesn't have time to wait for him to arrive and discover the massacre and has to go looking for him. But once he finds them how is he really supposed to get Sasuke back home and stick to his script without making the whole thing just seem really weird?
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Angst/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 6,501 - Reviews: 55 - Favs: 312 - Follows: 104 - Published: 3/16/2014 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Itachi U. - Complete
    Working Vacation by PaBurke reviews
    Steve Rogers is attempting to suss out the history of their 'copter pilot.
    Crossover - Stargate: Atlantis & Avengers - Rated: K - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 3,798 - Reviews: 80 - Favs: 299 - Follows: 161 - Updated: 3/15/2014 - Published: 6/23/2012 - John S., Captain America/Steve R. - Complete
    Child of Fire by Hiira reviews
    Voldemort is defeated but everyone Harry loved has died as well. When Harry is transported to the Hidden Leaf Village he lives on, but soon he will discover he is fated to be drawn to another mass murderer – Uchiha Itachi. HP Naruto Crossover
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 15 - Words: 101,707 - Reviews: 965 - Favs: 2,255 - Follows: 2,837 - Updated: 3/15/2014 - Published: 12/7/2007 - Harry P.
    Keitaro's Traveling Inn by dogbertcarroll reviews
    Kietaro gets a monkey's paw and makes several thoughtless wishes...
    Crossover - X-overs & Love Hina - Rated: M - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 4,292 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 212 - Follows: 155 - Published: 3/14/2014
    Not Your Kind of Trouble by Marz1 reviews
    Bobby says its not a gremlin, and that we're idiots." "What did he say about the military guys?" "He said to send him a postcard from Gitmo." Sam and Dean get caught between the N.I.D. and a girl that shoots lightning, an angry clone, and the FBI.
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Supernatural - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 31,742 - Reviews: 256 - Favs: 206 - Follows: 362 - Updated: 3/9/2014 - Published: 3/7/2010 - Cassandra F., Sam W.
    The Great Romantic by MogtheGnome reviews
    What are the odds that giving someone a gift would end up cascading into THIS kind of reaction? Probably pretty low... But this way is funnier.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Romance - Chapters: 13 - Words: 57,721 - Reviews: 1029 - Favs: 2,658 - Follows: 2,356 - Updated: 3/4/2014 - Published: 9/29/2007 - Naruto U., Tenten
    Think of the Children by Moczo reviews
    ::Agents of Beacon AU:: Nora Valkyrie, guardian of Lie Ren's soul, has traumatically realized that her beloved charge has no children to carry on his bloodline after his inevitable heroic death. Thank Odin that Nora is here to use her incredible powers of thinking and solve this problem just the best way she knows how. Pray for us all.
    RWBY - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 7,181 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 116 - Follows: 25 - Published: 2/28/2014 - Complete
    On The Wings Of An Eagle by FernandelDeLaFrance reviews
    Near the end of his life, Ezio Auditore, once Mentor of the Assassins, decides to serve his order with his dying breath by retrieving an ancient artefact. To his surprise, it whisks him away to a strange country of magic, where old eagles fly again...
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Assassin's Creed - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 10 - Words: 146,247 - Reviews: 689 - Favs: 2,020 - Follows: 2,155 - Updated: 2/26/2014 - Published: 5/15/2012 - Ezio A.
    Tea Time by Moczo reviews
    Aziraphale Swan moves with her father to the little cloudy town of Lower Tadfield. There she meets Anthony, who she thinks is just a stalker with a car fetish, but proves to be so much more... Yes, you already know what this is a parody of.
    Good Omens - Rated: T - English - Parody/Romance - Chapters: 10 - Words: 42,417 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 55 - Follows: 59 - Updated: 2/24/2014 - Published: 8/13/2012 - Aziraphale, A. Crowley - Complete
    Heist by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    She was a thief, plain and simple. But her best heists where those she kept. SI OC
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,584 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 222 - Follows: 93 - Published: 2/23/2014 - Kabuto Y., Gaara, Deidara - Complete
    At Rest by Akua reviews
    Escaping the hostility of the elemental countries, Sai leads Sakura, Naruto and Sasuke to a land across the ocean to escape the promise of death from the nations. They stumble upon a whole new world where maybe the pains of the past can find some peace.
    Crossover - Lord of the Rings & Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 41,853 - Reviews: 118 - Favs: 262 - Follows: 322 - Updated: 2/23/2014 - Published: 8/27/2009
    Like a Fairy Tail by Konerok Hadorak reviews
    Time. Like water it erodes the stones of history. But some secrets do not die easily. Some bide their time before they step into the light. Sometimes, the truest secrets of history... are fairy tales. One in particular; the tale of a sleeping forest.
    Crossover - Naruto & Fairy Tail - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 1 - Words: 21,520 - Reviews: 130 - Favs: 571 - Follows: 605 - Published: 2/22/2014 - Naruto U., Pain/Pein, Erza S., Natsu D.
    Making Uzumaki (Original Version) by PsyckoSama reviews
    The original version of Making Uzumaki.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 8 - Words: 42,949 - Reviews: 667 - Favs: 1,635 - Follows: 1,653 - Updated: 2/16/2014 - Published: 11/19/2008 - Naruto U., Haku - Complete
    The Leaf's Naruto by Morta's Priest reviews
    There's something to be said for keeping the past as it was - makes it predictable, malleable. Naruto never bought those arguments. He's always been the one to power through adversity rather than wait it out, so why would now be any different? He'll do what has to be done, even if he steps on a few butterflies along the way.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 23 - Words: 188,736 - Reviews: 2895 - Favs: 6,042 - Follows: 6,874 - Updated: 2/13/2014 - Published: 6/28/2012 - Naruto U.
    Naruto: Of New Worlds and New Beginnings by Captain Lycan reviews
    Having lost the war and his way Naruto is brought to the Institute. But the X-Men's inner demons start to come to head just as a madman sets his sights on mutantkind. Will they be able help each other and overcome the darkest impulses of humanity and of their own natures?
    Crossover - X-Men: Evolution & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 18 - Words: 47,503 - Reviews: 189 - Favs: 328 - Follows: 408 - Updated: 2/9/2014 - Published: 12/29/2012 - Naruto U.
    More Fragments by dogbertcarroll reviews
    Started on a second one to keep the chapter numbers down. Random ideas that aren't ready for prime time!
    Crossover - X-overs & Book X-overs - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 75 - Words: 111,105 - Reviews: 1481 - Favs: 569 - Follows: 315 - Updated: 2/6/2014 - Published: 9/22/2013 - Complete
    Still Not Happy by Sarah1281 reviews
    On Jotunheim, Loki discovers that Thor is a Frost Giant before Thor is banished to Midgard for going there and attacking. With Thor disgraced and banished and a Frost Giant to boot, Loki should be elated. Somehow he's not.
    Thor - Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Family - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,794 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 71 - Follows: 19 - Published: 2/3/2014 - Thor, Odin, Loki - Complete
    Why Tsukune Should Never Eat the Cookies by lord of the land of fire reviews
    A series of comedic scenes and one shots set in Rosario Vampire. Please enjoy and do not take seriously
    Rosario + Vampire - Rated: M - English - Humor - Chapters: 23 - Words: 21,785 - Reviews: 702 - Favs: 385 - Follows: 270 - Updated: 2/3/2014 - Published: 8/26/2009
    Warning: Hitchhikers May be Escaping Nazis by Baxyratty reviews
    When an old enemy of England devastates London, he is betrayed by his two most talented Officers. Now that they are in Gotham will the Batman be able to stop them or will he be caught in an war he can't win? co-written with Master of the Boot
    Batman - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 26,928 - Reviews: 10 - Favs: 3 - Follows: 5 - Updated: 2/3/2014 - Published: 11/13/2011 - Bruce W./Batman
    Glorious Shotgun Princess: Journeyman by Gregg Landsman reviews
    Kal'Reegar vas Rayya: Quarian Migrant Fleet Marine. Chosen of Journeys. Autochthon: The God of the Forge and eccentric inventor. Following the resolution of the first phase of the Reaper War, the Titan-cum-God has realized he can fix the Great Curse. But he needs the tools he made- the ones he left in Creation.
    Crossover - White Wolf & Mass Effect - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 71,392 - Reviews: 45 - Favs: 231 - Follows: 203 - Updated: 2/2/2014 - Published: 7/26/2013
    Rising from the Ashes by Kari-Kateora reviews
    Pein's final jutsu gave life back to those he slayed in Konoha. However, it also brought back someone who never expected to live again. Rising from the ashes, how will Minato Namikaze readapt to life and the war he is flung into?
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Adventure - Chapters: 33 - Words: 142,642 - Reviews: 1379 - Favs: 2,805 - Follows: 2,959 - Updated: 1/31/2014 - Published: 3/3/2012 - Minato N., Naruto U.
    Fire and Ice by Delusional Fishies reviews
    Two girls, one throne. Azula and Elsa, fire and ice. Perhaps Elsa will teach Azula a thing or two about decency, or perhaps Azula'll teach her to be naughtier. And in between them, a Game of Thrones.
    Crossover - Game of Thrones & Frozen - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 6 - Words: 12,989 - Reviews: 65 - Favs: 141 - Follows: 165 - Updated: 1/29/2014 - Published: 1/15/2014 - Elsa
    Massive Bluff by Afalstein reviews
    As it happens, not everything is what it seems in the world of Mass Effect. The Prothean Beacon isn't quite what Shepard made it out to be, the Reapers aren't really the Reapers, and the Collectors DEFINITELY aren't the Collectors. John Shepard is still John Shepard, but not the one everyone thinks he is. Rating for some innuendo. AU.
    Crossover - Stargate: Atlantis & Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 3,350 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 25 - Follows: 27 - Published: 1/29/2014 - John S., Liara T'Soni, Shepard (M) - Complete
    Who's Your Daddy? by Lucillia reviews
    In which Naruto has a different father or several, and also in which Orochimaru often runs semi-legitimate fertility experiments in order to cover up his genetic experiments.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 9 - Words: 7,988 - Reviews: 183 - Favs: 508 - Follows: 409 - Updated: 1/24/2014 - Published: 1/12/2014 - Naruto U., Orochimaru
    Swinging Pendulum by cywscross reviews
    "Too dangerous to live," Central 46 declares. Locked up in Muken with half-healed wounds and helpless rage, Ichigo gets another chance to save his fellow Visored when the Spirit King whisks him away and offers him a deal. He accepts and promptly gets his ass dumped in the past. Like, WAY back in the past. Ichigo really should be used to impossible things happening to him by now.
    Bleach - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 84,793 - Reviews: 2271 - Favs: 6,318 - Follows: 6,088 - Updated: 1/20/2014 - Published: 6/23/2013 - Ichigo K.
    40k: ToyHammer by Rogue Vector reviews
    In the near future of the 21st century, there is only boredom for Michael. Until the finest of the 41st Millennium start appearing in his living room. While shrunk down to miniature scale. With functional weapons. And they are really, really pissed off...
    Warhammer - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Humor - Chapters: 33 - Words: 179,721 - Reviews: 816 - Favs: 936 - Follows: 849 - Updated: 1/14/2014 - Published: 10/29/2009
    The Anti SelfInsert by freakyanimegal reviews
    -pic by Dayz26- He was for the most part a normal American teenager. Y'know, aside from the fact his father had taken him to Earth when he was three and raised him there, his name was Lloyd Aurion and he got dragged back to Sylvarant by Yuan. Other than that, normal.
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 8 - Words: 28,326 - Reviews: 138 - Favs: 111 - Follows: 107 - Updated: 1/12/2014 - Published: 6/10/2010 - Lloyd I.
    Renegade by Peptuck reviews
    The year: 2183. An attack on the Global Defense Initiative colony of Eden Prime threatens to ignite war between GDI and the Citadel, and only one woman can keep the peace, track down the attackers, and expose the true threat to the galaxy. Alt.Universe
    Crossover - Command & Conquer & Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Drama/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 17 - Words: 164,661 - Reviews: 517 - Favs: 935 - Follows: 917 - Updated: 1/11/2014 - Published: 3/28/2010 - Kane, Shepard (F)
    Identity Theft is a Serious Problem by G-POW reviews
    Eh? Kaka-sensei's got amnesia? Wait, when did he get a perm? Wait, what's with the sweets fetish? Wait, are you sure you're Kaka-sensei? Eh? Who the hell are you? EH?
    Crossover - Naruto & Gintama - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 7 - Words: 26,162 - Reviews: 82 - Favs: 117 - Follows: 129 - Updated: 1/8/2014 - Published: 6/8/2011 - Gintoki S.
    Final Fantasy Tactics: True Friendship by Sudentor reviews
    It is nineteen years into the Fifty Years' War. Cidolfus Orlandeau, future Thunder God, is but twenty-two. He has survived battles, commanded knights, and is ready to make his mark upon the history of Ivalice. But now, fresh off battle and stuck in a tavern with far too much alcohol, he must brave a challenge beyond anything he's ever faced: Enduring a drunk Barbaneth Beoulve.
    Final Fantasy: Tactics - Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,374 - Reviews: 7 - Favs: 11 - Follows: 4 - Published: 1/8/2014 - Balbanes.B, C.Orlandu - Complete
    Guiding Spirit by Emma Iveli reviews
    AU Crossover with Naruto. After Orochimaru takes over Sasuke's body, Sasuke finds a chance to redeem himself... being the Guiding Spirit of one Monkey D. Luffy. Can Sasuke help him become King of the Pirates? Please R&R
    Crossover - Naruto & One Piece - Rated: T - English - Humor/Supernatural - Chapters: 20 - Words: 32,892 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 140 - Follows: 134 - Updated: 1/6/2014 - Published: 3/9/2007 - Sasuke U., Luffy
    The Unsuspecting side of the Force by Tsu Doh Nimh reviews
    A companion fic to "The Havoc side of the Force". Extra scenes and different perspectives from that story.
    Crossover - Star Wars & Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Mystery/Adventure - Chapters: 5 - Words: 19,760 - Reviews: 419 - Favs: 1,572 - Follows: 1,886 - Updated: 1/4/2014 - Published: 10/9/2012 - Anakin Skywalker, Harry P.
    Naruto's Oblivion by Diresquirrel reviews
    Gato got a little bit greedy and didn't anticipate how ninja would react when you sell off their baby ninjas. Naruto, Sakura, Haku and Sasuke later wake up in a dungeon.
    Crossover - Naruto & Elder Scroll series - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 9 - Words: 37,860 - Reviews: 142 - Favs: 382 - Follows: 413 - Updated: 1/2/2014 - Published: 11/28/2013 - Haku, Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H.
    Ah! My Goddess!: Haloes by Davner reviews
    "You are trying to harm Keiichi san. And my sister… and my nephew. Whatever preconceived notions you hold for me… I suggest you reappraise them… quickly."
    Oh My Goddess! - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 42 - Words: 316,989 - Reviews: 670 - Favs: 319 - Follows: 266 - Updated: 12/29/2013 - Published: 7/29/2009 - Urd, Keiichi M.
    All Hallows Pepperpot by SotF reviews
    A Costume of something beyond deadly and foe of the Oncoming Storm, the choice made and danger to come. Halloween Fic, YAHF
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Doctor Who - Rated: K+ - English - Sci-Fi/Horror - Chapters: 5 - Words: 2,762 - Reviews: 48 - Favs: 158 - Follows: 155 - Updated: 12/27/2013 - Published: 10/31/2009 - Xander H. - Complete
    Last Wish and Testament by Silent.Storm reviews
    Harry took his chance at Death's Crossing: Thinking the prophesized duel a foregone conclusion, he gives Tom a parting shot and takes his train. The Hallows, however, were not made to return to their maker's realm but to bind their master to it.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Inheritance Cycle - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 7 - Words: 55,026 - Reviews: 254 - Favs: 1,075 - Follows: 1,386 - Updated: 12/23/2013 - Published: 4/27/2011 - Harry P., Shruikan
    Fate: Kaleidoscopic by Gree reviews
    In the Holy Grail War there are many Servants on the Throne of Heroes that could have been summoned to fight. A series of seven one-shots focusing around Servants from modern media that could have been summoned. Reviews and comments welcomed. Completed.
    Crossover - X-overs & Fate/stay night - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 20,246 - Reviews: 184 - Favs: 236 - Follows: 144 - Updated: 12/22/2013 - Published: 4/14/2013 - Rin T., Archer - Complete
    In Flight by gabriel blessing reviews
    Honestly, Shirou was beginning to think that he should be used to this; being unwittingly selected to take part in brutal tournament that he had no idea existed until he found himself in the middle of it. Then again, second times the charm, right?
    Crossover - Fate/stay night & Sekirei - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 44 - Words: 762,492 - Reviews: 8161 - Favs: 5,157 - Follows: 3,373 - Updated: 12/21/2013 - Published: 12/14/2010 - Shirō E. - Complete
    Semper Furor by Katkiller-V reviews
    With only a few years removed from the great battle, a new generation of Na'vi has arisen, led by the son of Toruk'makto Jake Sully, and they are eager to finish the battle their parents began. While divisions begin to appear amidst the Na'vi, the humans of Tartarus remain wary for any sign of aggression, and are more than ready to make the first strike, should it be called for...
    Avatar - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 23 - Words: 118,793 - Reviews: 519 - Favs: 249 - Follows: 202 - Updated: 12/20/2013 - Published: 12/1/2010 - Jake S., Parker S., Max P., Eywa - Complete
    Evolution Personified by HobTheRobot reviews
    The continuing adventures of Alex Mercer throughout the multiverse. 40% Nightmare Fuel, 30% Biomass, 20% Mad Scientist, 10% Living Weapon, and 100% Evolution. After the first few chapters it's just a bunch of story ideas and shorts, good ones I hope.
    Crossover - StarCraft & Prototype - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Supernatural - Chapters: 27 - Words: 143,947 - Reviews: 185 - Favs: 263 - Follows: 233 - Updated: 12/19/2013 - Published: 9/12/2011 - Alex M./Zeus
    Monster by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    Konoha made a terrible mistake. They didn't see the monster, nor did they see the one he created. SI OC
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 2 - Words: 3,418 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 296 - Follows: 80 - Updated: 12/18/2013 - Published: 2/20/2013 - Orochimaru - Complete
    Hero by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    There are no such thing as heroes in this world. Only monsters. She lived for years without a hero, and she had to save herself... but she wasn't a hero. She was a monster. Sequel to Monster, SI OC
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Drama/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,646 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 253 - Follows: 64 - Published: 12/18/2013 - Kakashi H., Akatsuki, OC - Complete
    Making the Cut by RegenesisX reviews
    In a wager against Sephiroth, Genesis stubbornly tries to prove that there's talent somewhere inside that clumsy cadet.
    Final Fantasy VII - Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Friendship - Chapters: 22 - Words: 64,808 - Reviews: 836 - Favs: 1,344 - Follows: 989 - Updated: 12/18/2013 - Published: 9/24/2011 - Cloud S., Genesis R. - Complete
    Nox Inanisque by Murazor reviews
    Louise Vallière summons a powerful and not entirely sane individual from another world, rather than a powerless and semi-perverted Japanese teenager, with potentially devastating consequences for herself and all of Halkeginia.
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Wakfu - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 16,024 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 90 - Follows: 105 - Updated: 12/17/2013 - Published: 3/2/2012 - Louise, Nox
    Hakumei by Pryotra reviews
    Danzo's plan for the assassination of the Hokage was almost flawless. To bad he didn't take six neglected children who ran away the night of the murder into account.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 33 - Words: 270,839 - Reviews: 2652 - Favs: 5,224 - Follows: 3,978 - Updated: 12/15/2013 - Published: 3/8/2008 - Naruto U. - Complete
    Stargate: Modern Warfare by Elgin reviews
    On the front lines of Earth's shadow war with the Goa'uld is Stargate Command. Outgunned. Outnumbered. Out of their depth. Routinely facing aliens and myths the likes of which they were never trained for. All while most of their homeworld's inhabitants live their lives none the wiser to the deeds done in their name. Such is the nature of modern warfare.
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Call of Duty - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 2 - Words: 1,218 - Reviews: 15 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 13 - Updated: 12/15/2013 - Published: 11/11/2012 - S. Carter, MacTavish/Soap
    Finding the Root of it All by Captain Lycan reviews
    Sakura and Kiba had finally had a lead on their prodigal teammate. The quest to bring back Sasuke get an unexpected complication in the form of Danzo's hand picked team being sent as "back up". Among them was the dead last trouble maker from their academy days, however he's certainly not the person they remember. Very AU, No!Bashing just Flawed!ThreeDimensionalCharacters (Hiatus)
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 2 - Words: 7,773 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 58 - Follows: 85 - Updated: 12/14/2013 - Published: 12/3/2013 - [Naruto U., Tenten] Sakura H., Danzō S.
    The Best Laid Plans by arun2110 reviews
    Madara had a plan. The Yondaime ruined it. Madara made another plan. One that could not fail. But the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry and this one had just run straight into the number one most surprising ninja in Konoha, one Uzumaki Naruto.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 36 - Words: 180,905 - Reviews: 1206 - Favs: 1,941 - Follows: 1,915 - Updated: 12/12/2013 - Published: 1/26/2008 - Naruto U.
    Summoning the Shinigami by Writing bunny reviews
    The Shiki Fuujin. A forbidden technique created to summon the Shinigami. But which one? A series of independent oneshots.
    Crossover - Naruto & Bleach - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 26 - Words: 19,915 - Reviews: 456 - Favs: 807 - Follows: 670 - Updated: 12/11/2013 - Published: 5/9/2010 - Minato N., K. Zaraki
    never meant to start a war by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    There aren't as many of us now as there were when Milady was Queen of Naboo, but our job remains much the same as it has since she first took public office: we handmaidens guard her body, aid her in her work, and keep her secrets for her. Even when those secrets make our jobs harder.
    Star Wars - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,227 - Reviews: 2 - Favs: 13 - Follows: 1 - Published: 12/8/2013 - [Padmé Amidala, Obi-Wan K.] Handmaidens - Complete
    Destined by ichilover3 reviews
    It's not the destination that matters, it's the journey- and the Konoha 9 are in for a wild ride. Sorta-sequel to Into the Future. Series of oneshots set in Futureverse. Multiple pairings.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Romance - Chapters: 20 - Words: 42,619 - Reviews: 1028 - Favs: 952 - Follows: 809 - Updated: 12/8/2013 - Published: 3/28/2011 - [Naruto U., Hinata H.] [Shikamaru N., Temari]
    Soul Eater's Soul Reaper by Dark demon619 reviews
    The Winter War didn't end well for Ichigo Kurosaki. Forced to leave his home, Ichigo is forced into a new war, Can Ichigo make a new life for himself in this new and crazy world, and more importantly, What the hell is with the Sun! BleachXSoulEater.
    Crossover - Bleach & Soul Eater - Rated: M - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 106,264 - Reviews: 392 - Favs: 939 - Follows: 915 - Updated: 12/8/2013 - Published: 7/13/2011 - Ichigo K., Blair
    the only way to win is to deny the battle by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    "Complications arose during the summit," Jacob finally said. "Yeah, I gathered that, given your reticence on the radio and the extreme lack of Daniel accompanying you," Jack replied.
    Stargate: SG-1 - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 4,403 - Reviews: 8 - Favs: 16 - Follows: 13 - Published: 12/5/2013 - D. Jackson, J. O'Neill, Teal'c, Jacob/Selmak - Complete
    Every Silver Lining has its Cloud by Diresquirrel reviews
    Forgotten Realms Crossover Buffy is late in stopping Angelus and most of Sunnydale is pulled into Acathla's portal ending up in the Nether Mountains in northern Faerun. Warnings for occasional naughty words, heavy violence, and gnomes.
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Dungeons and Dragons - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 47 - Words: 242,902 - Reviews: 146 - Favs: 247 - Follows: 220 - Updated: 12/3/2013 - Published: 3/11/2010
    The Ghost in the Team by Marcus S. Lazarus reviews
    An amulet in Daniel Jackson's mail results in the SGC gaining a surprising new member, in the form of the 'ghost' of Spike, history's second vampire with a soul. Can he make a difference in the Ori war?
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Stargate: SG-1 - Rated: T - English - Drama/Supernatural - Chapters: 54 - Words: 223,227 - Reviews: 282 - Favs: 250 - Follows: 306 - Updated: 12/2/2013 - Published: 12/13/2006 - [Spike, Vala] [D. Jackson, S. Carter] - Complete
    Disassembled by thefireplanet reviews
    In which Loki is in over his head, the Avengers can't find any traction, Midgard falls to war, and to save the world the God of Mischief and Lies must, well—conquer it.
    Avengers - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 32,062 - Reviews: 167 - Favs: 217 - Follows: 366 - Updated: 11/24/2013 - Published: 5/21/2012 - Loki
    Reunions are a Deleted by Bob Regent reviews
    Name amended due to guidelines. A clash of ideologies will cause widespread death and destruction for two races both alike and strange to the other. SG1nBSG xover
    Crossover - Stargate: SG-1 & Battlestar Galactica: 2003 - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 27 - Words: 349,784 - Reviews: 963 - Favs: 1,147 - Follows: 1,131 - Updated: 11/23/2013 - Published: 5/19/2007
    Awaken Sleeper by Water Mage reviews
    For years Harrison Potter has been in a mental institution living dreams of magic, wizards, and dark lords. Eventually the dreamer has to awaken. His reality has to be accepted as fantasy. Although some things stay the same... Dresden Files xover.
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Supernatural/Adventure - Chapters: 26 - Words: 186,282 - Reviews: 1600 - Favs: 2,927 - Follows: 2,918 - Updated: 11/22/2013 - Published: 4/7/2008 - Harry P.
    Thinking in Little Green Boxes by Diresquirrel reviews
    A certain young wizard ends up at 4 Privy Drive instead of 4 Privet Drive. He is raised with loving care by a cuddly Merc with a Mouth. WARNING: now with 19.96% more Death Eaters and a Rodent of Death.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Deadpool - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 48 - Words: 103,699 - Reviews: 793 - Favs: 1,653 - Follows: 1,333 - Updated: 11/21/2013 - Published: 6/28/2010 - Harry P.
    War of the Light by shanejayell reviews
    Stories featuring the many colored rings. Part one, Saint Walker attemps to recruit a new member... Two, Atrocitus finds a VERY angry man... Three, Blackest Night! Drabbles, sorta. Finished/On hold.
    Green Lantern - Rated: K+ - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 10 - Words: 1,948 - Reviews: 38 - Favs: 21 - Follows: 16 - Updated: 11/18/2013 - Published: 1/25/2009 - Complete
    The Lion of the Rock by Penhaligon reviews
    AU. Born once more as a child of the lion, Harry Potter of House Lannister is raised from childhood to play the Game of Thrones. As fire and fury threatens to tear Westeros apart, will he choose ambition or family? To serve or to rule?
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Game of Thrones - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 13,826 - Reviews: 367 - Favs: 1,549 - Follows: 1,924 - Updated: 11/18/2013 - Published: 10/8/2013 - Harry P., Margaery T., Sansa S., Tywin L.
    Children and Bedtime by Wyolake reviews
    Exhausted after the latest mission, Shepard is ready to relax. Unfortunately her crew isn't ready for bedtime. Quick one-shot, ME2. Rated T for language, just in case.
    Mass Effect - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 1 - Words: 852 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 8 - Published: 11/17/2013 - Shepard (F) - Complete
    RE:Birth by Sleep by Akatsuki Leader13 reviews
    Sequel to First Steps, A Thousand Miiles. It was the day that changed everything, the day one of them was elevated to Master and a new enemy appeared. It would begin with joy but end in tears.
    Crossover - Kingdom Hearts & Bleach - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,774 - Reviews: 5 - Favs: 9 - Follows: 11 - Updated: 11/17/2013 - Published: 8/26/2013 - Tatsuki A., Mizuiro K., Keigo A., Chizuru H.
    Remnants of a Shinobi's Fire by ippus67 reviews
    [ON HIATUS until Naruto ends] Konoha has fallen. Desperate to escape, our heroes turned to the sea for refuge. Watch as they struggle to find their place in the New World and take back what they've lost. Alliances are formed, cover ups are unraveled, and the Void Century blurs reality. Team Seven–centric. Strong!Sakura.
    Crossover - Naruto & One Piece - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Mystery - Chapters: 17 - Words: 85,910 - Reviews: 889 - Favs: 950 - Follows: 1,024 - Updated: 11/16/2013 - Published: 3/13/2011 - Naruto U., Sasuke U., Sakura H., Straw Hats P.
    How to Gain an Invisible Friend by apocalypse later reviews
    or 'Adventures in the Worst Afterlife EVER', because Ace sure didn't sign up for this s***. What happened to eternal peace? Or more importantly, his hat? (In which Ace is a time-traveling ghost, his younger self is unimpressed, Sabo is alive and Luffy is stupid.)
    One Piece - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 12 - Words: 17,647 - Reviews: 269 - Favs: 467 - Follows: 456 - Updated: 11/15/2013 - Published: 6/2/2010 - Ace, Luffy, Sabo
    New Perspective Evangelion by Dartz-IRL reviews
    Newton's First law. An Object in motion will remain in motion until acted on by an external force. The events of Neon Genesis Evangelion, as seen by the Fourth Child. Self Insert:ACC
    Evangelion - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 13 - Words: 173,466 - Reviews: 139 - Favs: 216 - Follows: 239 - Updated: 11/12/2013 - Published: 1/2/2007
    Pulling The Strings by Hubris Plus reviews
    Being a ninja is hard enough when you work for the good guys, let alone when you get reincarnated into a family of psychopaths. At least it's better than Bloody Mist. SI
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 8 - Words: 44,962 - Reviews: 363 - Favs: 1,309 - Follows: 1,564 - Updated: 11/11/2013 - Published: 2/3/2013 - Kankuro, Gaara
    FateBlack Reflection by Nameless Flame Wielder reviews
    With Aizen's plans foiled in Karakura, Ichigo and his friends are called to investigate strange happenings in nearby Fuyuki City. Hang on, what the heck are Magi? And who's that woman who's calling Ichigo "Master?" AU after chapter 389 of BLEACH
    Crossover - Bleach & Fate/stay night - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 24 - Words: 271,488 - Reviews: 1094 - Favs: 1,843 - Follows: 1,664 - Updated: 11/9/2013 - Published: 12/18/2009 - Ichigo K., Rider
    Ensnared by freakyanimegal reviews
    CruLloyd? That idiot, Kratos, taking the attack meant for his inferior rat of a son. He couldn't allow Origin's seal to weaken, but his only other option was...a mana transfer. Hm, perhaps it was a good thing that the boy lived after all... Cover pic by Asatsuyu
    Tales of Symphonia - Rated: T - English - Family - Chapters: 27 - Words: 96,613 - Reviews: 338 - Favs: 197 - Follows: 166 - Updated: 11/7/2013 - Published: 12/22/2008 - Lloyd I., Kratos A. - Complete
    Child of Zero by Schlub-NoogieRat reviews
    She had asked for a sacred, beautiful, and powerful familiar. Whatever was inside this egg, she was certain that it would at least fit the powerful part of that description, if nothing else.
    Crossover - Godzilla: The Series & Familiar of Zero - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 2 - Words: 20,615 - Reviews: 134 - Favs: 421 - Follows: 465 - Updated: 11/4/2013 - Published: 5/11/2013 - Godzilla 2/Zilla Jr., Louise
    It Takes Insanity (to Topple a God) by cywscross reviews
    "You want to wage a war against the Capital?" "No, just Aizen." "And that's better how? There are two of you." "...Well, we have you now. That's three." "Oh, that solves everything then. I'm so relieved." Ichigo doesn't know what he was thinking when he decided to help out Captain Rukia of the Airship Sea Swallow.
    Bleach - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Adventure - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,097 - Reviews: 58 - Favs: 187 - Follows: 215 - Published: 10/29/2013 - Rukia K., Ichigo K.
    Wanderlust by cywscross reviews
    "You're just like my brother," Kukaku tells him, eyes full of quiet empathy when she catches Ichigo sneaking out of the Shiba house in the middle of the night yet again, too tired to train but too restless to sleep with thoughts of Rukia's execution plaguing him and the foreign night wind coaxing him outside. "You want to run with the wind."
    Bleach - Rated: T - English - Angst/Friendship - Chapters: 3 - Words: 35,668 - Reviews: 707 - Favs: 2,085 - Follows: 1,714 - Updated: 10/28/2013 - Published: 7/23/2013 - Ichigo K.
    Shattered Eyes by Lithius Osmius reviews
    Tears of liquid silver will be shed as Naruto struggles to master a new Bloodline Limit that surpasses all, even the Rin'negan. Look into his eyes, the shattered mirrors of the soul. AU, Epic Length, pairings undecided.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 19 - Words: 191,547 - Reviews: 2242 - Favs: 4,314 - Follows: 3,888 - Updated: 10/24/2013 - Published: 12/1/2007 - Naruto U.
    Truths About Hanako by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    Hyugga Hanako is a proud woman, with a few skeletons in the closet, like who she was before this life.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,692 - Reviews: 32 - Favs: 212 - Follows: 46 - Published: 10/22/2013 - Naruto U., Minato N., Kushina U., Hiashi H. - Complete
    Motivation by Durandall reviews
    Kakashi made a mistake. Shikamaru is smart. Shino is skilled. Naruto is strong. Maybe something amazing could happen, with the right ... motivation.
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 10 - Words: 136,375 - Reviews: 960 - Favs: 3,239 - Follows: 3,225 - Updated: 10/21/2013 - Published: 2/18/2011
    The Game of Death by adrien skywalker reviews
    For eons, Thanos of Titan, has desired the love of death. Now, it is within his grasp. All he needs to do, is bring her wayward son, back to her. The problem is that her son doesn't want to go back to her. And unfortunately, for the Avengers and Nick Fury, and to the irritation of Asgard, Earth has now become their battleground, in this Game of Death.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Avengers - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 6 - Words: 21,882 - Reviews: 570 - Favs: 1,924 - Follows: 2,401 - Updated: 10/21/2013 - Published: 11/18/2012 - Harry P.
    Paved with good intentions by Vanishing Trooper reviews
    Sometimes, two points of view could be looking at the same thing but end up seeing completely different things. An unexpected summoning brings the first Gandalfr to a new land. Was this a second chance given or simply a sick punishment to prolong one's suffering. In the end one can only walk forward lest they allow themselves to rot with the past.
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Dog Days/ドッグデイズ - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Adventure - Chapters: 3 - Words: 46,734 - Reviews: 24 - Favs: 84 - Follows: 69 - Updated: 10/19/2013 - Published: 8/31/2012 - Millhiore B.
    The Chosen Ones by JonHarper reviews
    A new breed of warrior will be reborn from the legends of old, as a man with the weight of worlds on his shoulder battles for redemption and another will begin his journey. Once again Sunnydale will become the epicenter of Good against Evil.
    Buffy X-overs - Rated: K - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 15 - Words: 177,968 - Reviews: 74 - Favs: 101 - Follows: 116 - Updated: 10/16/2013 - Published: 3/3/2009
    Insane Asylum Escapees by RuneWitchSakura reviews
    This is a series of oneshots that involve Harry believing that everyone in the 'magical' world is insane. Starts with Dumbledore, Snape, and McGonagall getting Harry, instead of Hagrid, and goes in random order from there. Involves much sarcasm from Harry. Feel free to adopt.
    Harry Potter - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 15 - Words: 10,203 - Reviews: 1349 - Favs: 3,122 - Follows: 2,552 - Updated: 10/11/2013 - Published: 5/12/2007 - Harry P.
    The Bird of Hermes by deadpan riot reviews
    When "Father" consumes "God", he gets more than he bargained for. When "The No Life King" gives in to "Truth", he finds he may be in over his head. And once the dust settles on the battlefield, what will become of the world?
    Crossover - Hellsing & Fullmetal Alchemist - Rated: M - English - Adventure - Chapters: 17 - Words: 59,233 - Reviews: 108 - Favs: 141 - Follows: 132 - Updated: 10/8/2013 - Published: 9/6/2010 - Alucard, Edward E.
    Wizard for Hire by Dark-Syaoran reviews
    Do you have a problem that needs fixing? Who better to call than Harry Potter, savior of the wizarding world?
    Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Chapters: 7 - Words: 34,607 - Reviews: 244 - Favs: 1,192 - Follows: 1,545 - Updated: 10/6/2013 - Published: 4/5/2012 - Harry P.
    Angrish of Zero by Charles Bhepin reviews
    Louise has summoned a Red Giant. He is Angron, the Angry One, FRIEND TO ALL CHILDREN! Another Lovehammer crossover.
    Crossover - Warhammer & Familiar of Zero - Rated: T - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,990 - Reviews: 87 - Favs: 207 - Follows: 164 - Updated: 10/4/2013 - Published: 4/21/2013
    Xander of the Red Robes by Diresquirrel reviews
    Jesse bought the costumes. It was too late to change into something else, and so Xander was stuck with face paint and hourglass contact lenses. Slightly AU for Buffy. Halloween fic for Halloween.
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Dragonlance - Rated: T - English - Horror/Adventure - Chapters: 7 - Words: 31,405 - Reviews: 81 - Favs: 242 - Follows: 246 - Updated: 10/1/2013 - Published: 10/24/2011 - Xander H., Raistlin
    History Made by Dirty Reid reviews
    Tribute-based technological advancement, as well as a different approach to the ruins on Mars, leads to a drastically different humanity stepping onto the galactic stage.
    Crossover - Game X-overs & Mass Effect - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 2 - Words: 14,053 - Reviews: 90 - Favs: 260 - Follows: 370 - Updated: 9/30/2013 - Published: 8/27/2013 - Admiral Hackett, Hannah S.
    DC Phantom by Slayer Anderson reviews
    Daniel Fenton never thought school would mean anything more than bullies, bad grades, and worse teachers...that was before the HIVE Academy for Exceptional Young People; Re-write of HIVE Minded.
    Crossover - Teen Titans & Danny Phantom - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 6 - Words: 39,058 - Reviews: 458 - Favs: 697 - Follows: 800 - Updated: 9/29/2013 - Published: 6/29/2012 - Jinx, Danny F.
    Little Acorn by Colors of Iris reviews
    One mistake. One wayward soul. Now, running around Konoha is a small, blind girl, who by all rights should not exist. What are the consequences that arise from a reincarnation that was never supposed to happen? And who knows what changes would be wrought should the memories of a past life ever be regained... — OC self-insert. Gen.
    Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 12 - Words: 71,436 - Reviews: 411 - Favs: 921 - Follows: 1,210 - Updated: 9/25/2013 - Published: 5/22/2012 - Yoroi A.
    It's Not Sexism, Your Show Just Sucks by Andrew Joshua Talon reviews
    Maggie Simpson. Stewie Griffin. And a daycare that's too small for both of them...
    Crossover - Simpsons & Family Guy - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,735 - Reviews: 22 - Favs: 74 - Follows: 32 - Published: 9/24/2013
    Haven by cywscross reviews
    The first time around, they came together through a promise, through circumstance, through necessity, and bonded through trial and desperation. The second time around, they were inseparable. And they were going to change the world.
    Bleach - Rated: T - English - Friendship/Drama - Chapters: 1 - Words: 13,653 - Reviews: 388 - Favs: 1,744 - Follows: 1,663 - Published: 9/23/2013 - Ichigo K., Orihime I., Uryuu I., Chad/Y. Sado
    Long Delayed Reunion by Jedi Buttercup reviews
    Ancient Slayers 'verse. "Mal was her son, all right: oddly perceptive at the most inconvenient times, and obstinately blind when he didn't care to see what was in front of him."
    Crossover - Buffy: The Vampire Slayer & Firefly - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,654 - Reviews: 31 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 116 - Updated: 9/20/2013 - Published: 8/29/2011 - Buffy S., Faith L., Mal, R. Tam - Complete
    Septem by Lucillia reviews
    Star Wars in a universe where Anakin and Padme had a few more children than were expected. Features a Good A'Sharad Hett and a Closet Rebel Vader. Owen and Beru live.
    Star Wars - Rated: K+ - English - Humor - Chapters: 8 - Words: 9,130 - Reviews: 72 - Favs: 160 - Follows: 169 - Updated: 9/19/2013 - Published: 8/14/2009 - Luke S., Leia O.
    The Four Nations by DeathGodSlayer reviews
    Airbending. The art lost to the pages of history. Taken by a powerhungry Fire Lord. The hope of possibly restoring this art is rekindled with the rearrival of Avatar Aang. Yet Aang is soon to discover that he is not alone...
    Crossover - Naruto & Avatar: Last Airbender - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 6 - Words: 30,557 - Reviews: 115 - Favs: 397 - Follows: 403 - Updated: 9/18/2013 - Published: 8/12/2011 - Naruto U., Aang
    The Master of Death by rgm0005 reviews
    In one world, an old man's life ends. In another, a foolish wizard performs a ritual and calls upon the Master of Death. And in both, there is a sound-a sound like an oncoming train. To the well-organized mind, death is but the next great adventure.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Dresden Files - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 11 - Words: 69,139 - Reviews: 609 - Favs: 2,195 - Follows: 2,550 - Updated: 9/17/2013 - Published: 1/27/2012 - Harry P., H. Dresden
    Konoha's Beautiful Lotus by Supernatural Crossover Girl reviews
    Life as a ninja was suppose to be exciting, and fun, not terrifying and dangerous. I should have paid attention to the anime more... SI OC
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 25 - Words: 79,478 - Reviews: 620 - Favs: 781 - Follows: 636 - Updated: 9/16/2013 - Published: 5/14/2012 - Naruto U., Lee R. - Complete
    The Warp is Calm by LordsFire reviews
    On Mindoir, John Shepard saw death for the first time. In the Calixis Sector, Lord Inquisitor Khan found that those in power value their own power over the Truth. With one lauded a hero, the other driven into exile a galaxy away, both will attempt to find a cure to the ills that plague all civilizations. And fight a race of genocidal machines and their pawns in the process.
    Crossover - Warhammer & Mass Effect - Rated: M - English - Drama/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 4 - Words: 39,177 - Reviews: 182 - Favs: 299 - Follows: 339 - Updated: 9/15/2013 - Published: 6/10/2012 - Inquisition, Shepard (M)
    Tony's New Assistant by MarbleGlove reviews
    A trickster god does not go about acquiring power by brute force. AKA, the one where, instead of becoming a supervillain when he fell to Earth, Loki somehow ended up as Tony Stark's personal assistant.
    Crossover - Ironman & Thor - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 38 - Words: 29,388 - Reviews: 590 - Favs: 1,251 - Follows: 796 - Updated: 9/15/2013 - Published: 5/23/2012 - A. E. Stark/Tony, Loki - Complete
    Hokage Swap by Lucillia reviews
    Thanks to a seal gone wrong, Senju Hashirama and company have ended up in the age of Rokudaime Hokage Uzumaki-Namikaze Naruto, and Naruto has ended up at the beginning of the Shodai Hokage's reign.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 5 - Words: 6,130 - Reviews: 172 - Favs: 780 - Follows: 798 - Updated: 9/14/2013 - Published: 1/28/2012 - Hashirama S., Naruto U., Madara U., Tobirama S.
    Guardian Whatever by Lucillia reviews
    After The Apocalypse That Wasn't Mark I, a chance meeting at a diner nets the Winchester boys a guardian of roughly angelic stock.
    Crossover - Good Omens & Supernatural - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 6,641 - Reviews: 49 - Favs: 176 - Follows: 206 - Updated: 9/13/2013 - Published: 5/21/2012 - A. Crowley, Dean W.
    Summoning the Sun by Mashadar reviews
    She begged for a beautiful, sacred and strong familiar. She never expected how sacred a certain white wolf could be.
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Okami - Rated: T - English - Chapters: 7 - Words: 66,985 - Reviews: 305 - Favs: 1,384 - Follows: 1,332 - Updated: 9/13/2013 - Published: 9/22/2011 - Louise, Amaterasu
    Duality by Lucillia reviews
    In one world, the original Hyperactive Knuckle-headed Unpredictable Ninja Uchiha Tobi is a loyal Ninja of Konoha and Naruto's caretaker, Uchiha Madara is the mastermind behind the Akatsuki, both share the same body, and both try to live their lives despite this fact.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 4,859 - Reviews: 100 - Favs: 303 - Follows: 305 - Updated: 9/12/2013 - Published: 8/9/2011 - Obito U./Tobi, Madara U.
    A Blond and a Redhead Walk Into a Chunin Exam by Lucillia reviews
    In which Karin was still a Genin of Kusagakure when she ran into Naruto during the Exams, and accidentally derails Orochimaru's plans. And, in which Naruto is forced to fend off Karin's attempts at restoring the Uzumaki Clan while things happen.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 6 - Words: 6,950 - Reviews: 340 - Favs: 1,441 - Follows: 1,603 - Updated: 9/10/2013 - Published: 4/8/2012 - Karin U., Naruto U.
    Servants who Never Should be Summoned by OverMaster reviews
    The title says everything. What? What do you mean, I have to write more for the summary? Oh geez! What do you expect me to say here without spoiling everything? Just read the story, will you?
    Fate/stay night - Rated: M - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 3 - Words: 29,927 - Reviews: 50 - Favs: 109 - Follows: 95 - Updated: 9/8/2013 - Published: 5/24/2013 - Shirō E., Saber
    Holding Back the Sea by rgm0005 reviews
    Chiron always said there would be legends about him one day. He hadn't thought that would result in him fighting to the death with other Heroes, though. PJO/F/SN
    Crossover - Percy Jackson and the Olympians & Fate/stay night - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Fantasy - Chapters: 8 - Words: 33,821 - Reviews: 251 - Favs: 916 - Follows: 857 - Updated: 9/8/2013 - Published: 11/1/2011 - Percy J., Saber
    Tsunade's Heir by funkmasterjo reviews
    Tsunade adopts Naruto. What will life be like living with two medic nins and a mother who's playful fingerflicks could bash through trees? Now how about adding an infamous pervert and a philosophic demon to the mix?
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Humor - Chapters: 37 - Words: 198,601 - Reviews: 2223 - Favs: 3,179 - Follows: 2,992 - Updated: 9/7/2013 - Published: 8/2/2006 - Naruto U.
    Going Forward by Rap541 reviews
    Sequel to Going Native. Its a few years later, lets see what happened
    Battlestar Galactica: 2003 - Rated: K+ - English - Chapters: 23 - Words: 52,617 - Reviews: 373 - Favs: 404 - Follows: 507 - Updated: 9/6/2013 - Published: 3/9/2010
    Hellsing! The Genetic Opera by FaeryTale Faever reviews
    Seras loses her memory and wakes in a world that has been taken over by Millennium. Walter takes her in and protects her from the new regime, but as time goes on, Seras begins to wonder if there's something he isn't telling her. AU Repo! The Genetic Opera re-imagining. (Complete)
    Hellsing - Rated: M - English - Horror/Drama - Chapters: 14 - Words: 53,369 - Reviews: 53 - Favs: 32 - Follows: 17 - Updated: 9/5/2013 - Published: 7/9/2011 - Seras, Walter - Complete
    An Acolyte of Zero by Shadenight123 reviews
    Louise...summoned something different. An Acolyte of Warcraft Three, the most basic and seemingly useless unit in the history of the Scourge. However, when you look at it in a different way, the Acolyte can create enormous constructions out of sheer nothingness provided there are resources. The most basic unit, becomes the most important. Especially when it follows his own rules.
    Crossover - Familiar of Zero & Warcraft - Rated: M - English - Supernatural - Chapters: 23 - Words: 78,835 - Reviews: 491 - Favs: 614 - Follows: 383 - Updated: 9/4/2013 - Published: 8/2/2013 - Louise - Complete
    The Star Empire: The Succession of Magic by RahXephon reviews
    REPOST. Personal defeats had warped Harry's psyche, causing him to grow violent and be exiled into space. Many centuries later, he wakes up to a solar system devoid of magic but infested with piracy and decay. The last human wizard tries to find a purpose in this bleak future, all the while confronting the legacy of his rampage. Dark!Harry, AU, OC.
    Harry Potter - Rated: M - English - Sci-Fi/Drama - Chapters: 65 - Words: 382,420 - Reviews: 513 - Favs: 677 - Follows: 670 - Updated: 9/4/2013 - Published: 10/24/2012 - [Harry P., OC]
    What Do You Fear Most? by OmniPharoah reviews
    Gotham City is gripped in fear when the Joker returns from the dead. But when the Batman, Terry McGinnis, finds a relic from Bruce's past, will he be able to save Gotham and find himself in the process? Going to "M" for language.
    Crossover - Batman Beyond & Green Lantern - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 3 - Words: 12,597 - Reviews: 19 - Favs: 33 - Follows: 39 - Updated: 9/3/2013 - Published: 7/18/2011 - Terry M.
    CotIW: Unfortunate Meetings by Base Delta Zero reviews
    In the 76th year of the New Era, an unlikely chance occurance in a distant, forbidden dimension brings terrible new foes. Armed with strange weapons and technology, and utterly without mercy, these invaders threaten the safety of all Mid-Childa.
    Crossover - Warhammer & Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 10 - Words: 157,913 - Reviews: 120 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 114 - Updated: 9/2/2013 - Published: 6/27/2009
    The Boy in the Park by Shadenight123 reviews
    Naruko Uzumaki found a boy in the Park who didn't immediately spurn her. From there nothing changes, yet everything does. Proof that an OC doesn't need to be powerful or even a Shinobi to make a difference...and proof that I can write something different from Angst. Fem-Naruto. Oc.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Family/Friendship - Chapters: 78 - Words: 106,710 - Reviews: 670 - Favs: 731 - Follows: 338 - Updated: 9/2/2013 - Published: 7/14/2013 - Naruko U., OC - Complete
    Escape by depressedchildren reviews
    They were all trying to escape, whether it was from abuse, hate, war, fate; they were all trying to escape. Rated M for mature language, semi-graphic violence, and torture scenes in ch 15. No yaoi, maybe shonen-ai if you squint and tilt your head.
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Naruto - Rated: M - English - Family/Adventure - Chapters: 16 - Words: 119,950 - Reviews: 88 - Favs: 238 - Follows: 338 - Updated: 8/31/2013 - Published: 4/3/2011 - Harry P., James P., Itachi U.
    First Steps by Akatsuki Leader13 reviews
    SEQUEL IS UP! Four friends find themselves torn from the world they knew, cast adrift by destiny from everyone and everything they knew. A new path now lays before them, all they have to do is take the first step...
    Crossover - Kingdom Hearts & Bleach - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 2 - Words: 6,952 - Reviews: 4 - Favs: 7 - Follows: 8 - Updated: 8/26/2013 - Published: 1/20/2013 - Tatsuki A., Keigo A., Chizuru H., Mizuiro K. - Complete
    Swords and Wizardry by Shadow Crystal Mage reviews
    An accident with the Second Magic. An impossible crack in the fabric of reality itself. Now, Harry Dresden has to deal with a little girl who might or might not be an Outsider. As usual, this is the LEAST of his problems… Dresden Files/Prisma Illya
    Crossover - Dresden Files & Fate/stay night - Rated: T - English - Adventure/Supernatural - Chapters: 2 - Words: 5,531 - Reviews: 51 - Favs: 191 - Follows: 225 - Updated: 8/21/2013 - Published: 1/21/2011 - H. Dresden, Illyasviel von Einzbern
    A Long Way From Home by Darth Malleus reviews
    A fleet of Alliance ships find themselves in the centre of a hornets' nest. Lost and alone in the middle of hostile territory with nowhere to turn will they survive or perish?
    Crossover - Star Wars & Warhammer - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi/Drama - Chapters: 27 - Words: 165,367 - Reviews: 788 - Favs: 388 - Follows: 347 - Updated: 8/20/2013 - Published: 9/16/2010
    Shirou Emiya: Erogame Protagonist by gabriel blessing reviews
    Yeah, you read that right. Yeah, you wish you had thought of it first. Yeah, this is a pretty unhelpful summary.
    Crossover - Misc. Games & Fate/stay night - Rated: M - English - Parody/Humor - Chapters: 4 - Words: 93,099 - Reviews: 445 - Favs: 1,144 - Follows: 858 - Updated: 8/11/2013 - Published: 5/7/2012
    Stitches by Farmer Kyle reviews
    For a history project, Ichigo travels to Fuyuki City to gather local information after an awry Hollow attack destroys the school. He heads to Ryuudou Temple to learn of its history, only to stumble into a secret war that has been waged for almost two centuries. This is the story of a boy trying to find his place in the world, and the girl who stitches the pieces back together.
    Crossover - Bleach & Fate/stay night - Rated: M - English - Drama - Chapters: 3 - Words: 18,675 - Reviews: 230 - Favs: 759 - Follows: 861 - Updated: 8/10/2013 - Published: 10/24/2012 - Ichigo K., Assassin
    Road to Valhalla: Hell's Return by Baxyratty reviews
    When a strange tape is released to the news it is up to Hellsing and Torchwood to unravel it's origin. But will Jack be able to deal with the sudden reappearance of Schrödinger and Captain Hans Günsche? Rated M for dark themes, blood/gore, etc.
    Hellsing - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 7 - Words: 46,517 - Reviews: 12 - Favs: 12 - Follows: 12 - Updated: 8/9/2013 - Published: 2/5/2011 - Schrodinger, Hans G.
    Little wooden men by Writing bunny reviews
    Naruto gets adopted at an early age. How far can he get with somebody actually supporting him? And how will he influence the Elemental nations? Rating for language.
    Naruto - Rated: T - English - Adventure - Chapters: 63 - Words: 335,255 - Reviews: 1130 - Favs: 1,839 - Follows: 1,836 - Updated: 8/8/2013 - Published: 2/13/2010 - Naruto U., Hana I., Yamato
    When his world turns over by Juud reviews
    Taking his godfather's place to roll down the notorious curtain in the ministery of magic, Harry finds himself in Rukongai. Even though determined to build up a strong and good life, he finds himself unable to stop worrying about his old friends..
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Bleach - Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Friendship - Chapters: 26 - Words: 73,295 - Reviews: 493 - Favs: 999 - Follows: 1,154 - Updated: 7/31/2013 - Published: 8/20/2007 - Harry P. - Complete
    Once More with Feeling by Crazy-88 reviews
    Third Impact AU. Shinji Ikari survives Third Impact only to find out that the end of everything is just the beginning...
    Evangelion - Rated: T - English - Drama - Chapters: 17 - Words: 277,351 - Reviews: 577 - Favs: 1,419 - Follows: 1,315 - Updated: 7/28/2013 - Published: 8/20/2007
    45th Millennium by Thefallenheart reviews
    It is the 45th millennium and the Imperium is dead.
    Warhammer - Rated: T - English - Sci-Fi - Chapters: 11 - Words: 32,071 - Reviews: 63 - Favs: 73 - Follows: 61 - Updated: 7/25/2013 - Published: 9/3/2011
    Four Roses by Davner reviews
    Toraichi Tamiya has never been good with women, but a Love Avenger gives him a chance to change all that.
    Oh My Goddess! - Rated: T - English - Romance/Humor - Chapters: 2 - Words: 17,052 - Reviews: 40 - Favs: 18 - Follows: 20 - Updated: 7/22/2013 - Published: 1/20/2013 - Tamiya
    Walk Two Lifetimes by Anne Camp aka Obi-quiet reviews
    Sasuke told Naruto he could never understand the pain of losing a family he'd never had. So how can someone who had a clan respected by the entire village know what it's like to be alone and hated by everyone? They're both about to find out. AU, No Pairings, Currently being Rewritten.
    Naruto - Rated: K+ - English - Friendship/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 29 - Words: 93,489 - Reviews: 450 - Favs: 702 - Follows: 746 - Updated: 7/18/2013 - Published: 12/30/2007 - Naruto U., Sasuke U.
    Miserly Old Man, Trickster Fox by FernandelDeLaFrance reviews
    One day, a weary old traveller comes to visit Konoha, intent on resting his bones and keeping his nose out of other people's business. That supposedly simple plan comes crashing down around his ears after he meets a cheerful, whiskered, and defenceless child. Ploys are made and broken, various groups make their move, and red eyes watch from the darkness as war looms over Konoha...
    Naruto - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Drama - Chapters: 14 - Words: 144,198 - Reviews: 254 - Favs: 762 - Follows: 840 - Updated: 7/16/2013 - Published: 5/23/2012 - Naruto U.
    Mass Effect: Glorious Shotgun Princess by Gregg Landsman reviews
    The Exaltation of the Unconquered Sun is a tricky thing. Especially when it doesn't come with an manual. Jane Shepard, who was able to talk Spectres into suicide before getting a spiritual superweapon grafted to her soul, has a new advantage.
    Mass Effect - Rated: M - English - Adventure/Sci-Fi - Chapters: 19 - Words: 212,144 - Reviews: 421 - Favs: 1,069 - Follows: 790 - Updated: 7/15/2013 - Published: 5/11/2012 - Shepard (F) - Complete
    Dark Wolf by Del'archange reviews
    Schizoid science student Noel wakes up in the body of a young servant in Highever. Ever one to 'go with the flow,' he spends his time writing blasphemous scientific texts, avoiding intimacy, and debating whether he cares enough to change the story.
    Dragon Age - Rated: T - English - Fantasy - Chapters: 9 - Words: 37,240 - Reviews: 76 - Favs: 153 - Follows: 178 - Updated: 7/13/2013 - Published: 7/17/2012 - Cousland, Surana
    Rules and Duties by Lord of the Saiyans reviews
    In the battlefields of the 41st Millennium there is only Death, And boy, is he pissed off.
    Crossover - Discworld & Warhammer - Rated: K - English - Chapters: 3 - Words: 8,323 - Reviews: 37 - Favs: 153 - Follows: 83 - Updated: 7/11/2013 - Published: 4/7/2010 - Complete
    Defiance by Last of the Lilac Wine reviews
    The House of Blackmore: We are the gears of war.
    Game of Thrones - Rated: T - English - Fantasy/Family - Chapters: 15 - Words: 34,396 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 36 - Follows: 43 - Updated: 7/11/2013 - Published: 4/4/2013 - Robert B., Jaime L.
    Harry Potter and the Discworld by JK Pratchett reviews
    After surviving the Killing Curse, Harry Potter attracts Death's curiosity. As a result, the barriers separating the Roundworld and the Discworld begin to break down, leading to more danger than Harry could ever have imagined...
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Discworld - Rated: T - English - Humor/Adventure - Chapters: 36 - Words: 116,794 - Reviews: 373 - Favs: 575 - Follows: 723 - Updated: 7/11/2013 - Published: 10/7/2008 - Harry P.
    Masks by phoenixyfriend reviews
    No one ever really guessed the REAL reason Obito wanted to become the Juubi's Jinchuuriki. Warning: Pure, unadulterated crack.
    Naruto - Rated: K - English - Humor/Parody - Chapters: 1 - Words: 227 - Reviews: 21 - Favs: 114 - Follows: 25 - Published: 7/9/2013 - Obito U./Tobi - Complete
    Gateway to magic by llothcat reviews
    Harry Potter/FMA. Edward Elric knew one thing for sure, and that was that he was bored in a dull world. And finds a chance to go home..at a price.. Complete.- awesome fan comic of this story can be viewed@ abigeruazerashi dot deviantart dot com
    Crossover - Harry Potter & Fullmetal Alchemist - Rated: T - English - Drama/Adventure - Chapters: 77 - Words: 249,657 - Reviews: 1593 - Favs: 1,142 - Follows: 621 - Updated: 7/4/2013 - Published: 12/23/2009 - Edward E. - Complete