You cry, I cry, you laugh, I laugh, you fall off a cliff, I laugh even harder
A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend/girlfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.
When life hands you lemons, make apple juice, then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
Forgive your enemies - it messes with their heads
Your shin (n): a device used to find furniture in the dark
People that don't know me think I'm quiet. People that do wish I was.
Sarcasm. It's easier than actually having to deal with stupid people.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side
Parents spend the first half of our lives teaching us to walk and talk. They spend the second half telling us to sit down and shut up.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
He who laughs last didn't get it.
Never knock on Death's door-ring the bell and run away. Death really hates that.
Practice makes perfect, but nobody's perfect, so why practice?
Don't follow in my footsteps . . . I run into walls.(and off cliffs and into people etc.)
Things To Do On An Elevator:
1) CRACK open your briefcase or handbag, peer Inside and ask "Got enough air in there?"
2) STAND silent and motionless in the corner facing the wall without getting off.
3) WHEN arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act as if you're embarrassed when they open themselves.
4) GREET everyone with a warm handshake and ask him or her to call you Admiral.
5) MEOW occasionally.
6) STARE at another passenger for awhile. Then announce in horror: "You're one of THEM" - and back away slowly
7) SAY -DING at each floor.
8) SAY "I wonder what all these do?" And push all the red buttons.
9) MAKE explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
10) STARE, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce: "I have new socks on."
11) WHEN the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"
12) TRY to make personal calls on the emergency phone.
13) DRAW a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers: "This is my personal space."
14) WHEN there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn't you.
15) PUSH the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
16) ASK if you can push the button for other people but push the wrong ones.
17) HOLD the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say "Hi Greg, how's your day been?"
18) DROP a pen and wail until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream "That's mine!"
19) BRING a camera and take pictures of everyone in the lift.
20) PRETEND you're a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the Passengers.
21) SWAT at flies that don't exist.
22) CALL out "group hug" then enforce it
23) Stare at another passenger for a long time, then when they look at you say "STOP STARING AT ME!" (I've tried this at my house. It was actually pretty funny.)
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was
born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When
I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you
go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?"
The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
Post this on your profile if you hate racism
15 things to do in Walmart.
1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, " 'Code 3' in housewares"... and see what happens.
4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
6. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
8. Look right into the security camera & use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti - depressants are.
10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look"
12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream.. "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!"
14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while and then yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!
15. Grab a lot of bouncy balls and throw them down the aisle, shouting "Go, Pikachu, Go!"
15 annoying things to do in an Elevator.
1. Push the buttons and pretend they send a shock through you. Wait for the effects of the "shock" to wear off, smile, and go back for more.
2. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for a friend. After a while let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
3. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
4. Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on ask if they have an appointment.
5. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
6. When the doors close, announce to the others in a voice of forced calm, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
7. Swat at flies which don't exist.
8. Call out, "Group hug!" and then enforce it.
9. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
10. Crack open your briefcase or purse and peer inside periodically while whispering, "Got enough air in there?"
11. Stand silently and motionless in the corner facing the wall, without getting off. If someone approaches you, turn around and try to bite them.
12. Stare at another passenger for a while and then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
13. Stare manically and grin at another passenger for an extended amount of time before announcing, "I have new socks on."
14. Draw a little square on the floor with a pen/pencil and announce to the other passengers in an unnecessarily loud voice, "This is MY personal space!"
15. If anyone questions any of your actions, claim to be under the influence of dark magic.
.•*””*• /ღ •。* * 。 ღ 。* • * .ღ 。 /*
* \ . * * 。 ღ。* 。* ღ 。 •* "
Name you favorite Harry Potter 1-10
7. James Potter
9. Oliver Wood
1. Have you ever read a one/four romance? Would you?
Draco and Fred? No. Dramione all the way!
2. What would be your reaction if six wanted to go out with ten?
Umm I would think Sirius is perverted and to go out with someone a little older.
3. What would be the description for an eight/Three fic?
Remus decides to spend the day with his son, Teddy. Because I refuse to accept that Remus died.
4. What genre would you pick for a fic involving two,five, and nine?
Humor, definitely, and sports maybe?
5. If seven played a sport, what would it be?
Quidditch. We all know it would be Quidditch.
6. Where would two and four go if they were dating?
I really hope they don't date, seeing as Tonka is married and has a son, but if they did, it would probably be to the joke shop.
7.Do you or anyone you know think six is hot?
In th book, it says he used to look good, but now he doesnt so...no.
9. What would be the warning on a ten/seven fic?
I really don't know. I just don't see a fic like that existing.
10. Four is in a happy relationship with Nine, until nine runs off to marry five. Four is in a brief, unhappy relationship with Eight until Eight cheats on four with Two. Four finally takes the advice of one and settles into a happy relationship with three.
George is in a happy relationship with Oliver Wood, until Oliver runs off to marry Fred. George is in a brief, unhappy relationship with Teddy until Teddy cheats on George with Tonks. George finally takes the advice of Dobby and settles into a happy relationship with Remus.
That is just... so disturbing. Oliver cheats on a twin with another twin, and Teddy cheats on George with his own mother? No. Just no.
This is why Humans are doomed to die because of Stupidity:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:
(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time? Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm..something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(Where else? The moon?)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(Oh really? I could have never guessed that!)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(Somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this.)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
On a cartilage for a laser printer:
Do not eat toner.
On a carpenter's electric drill: This product isn't intended for use as a dental drill. (But I have a big mouth.)
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."