To James and Lily,
25 THINGS I OWE TO MY MOM
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
19. My mother taught me ESP.
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
On Sears hairdryer:
On a package of pasta after the cooking insturctions:
On a bag of Fritos:
On a bar of Dial soap:
On some Swann frozen dinners:
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
On Nytol sleep aid:
On artificial bacon:
On a Korean kitchen knife:
On a string of Christmas lights:
On a food processor:
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
On a Swedish chainsaw:
On a child's Superman costume:
On a pack of waterballons:
I promise to remember Tonks
Johnny brought a gun to school,
Mommy, I was a good girl, I did
But Mommy, when I went to school that day,
When Johnny shot the gun,
Mommy, please tell Daddy;
And tell my little sister;
And tell my wonderful friends;
Mommy, tell my teachers;
Mommy, why'd it have to be me?
And Mommy, tell the doctors;
Mommy, I'm slowly dying,
Mommy, I ran as fast as I could,
I wanted to go to college,
I wanted to get married,
But Mommy, I'm must go now,
I love you Mommy, I always have,
--In Memory Of The School Shootings--
I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.
I am the person who is afraid of telling his loving Christian parents he loves another male.
I am the child who left school early after being beat up daily because I like boys.
I am the transvestite who gets called terrible names just because I like being a woman.
We are the lesbian couple who can’t go to church anymore because of the harassment.
I am the man who was kicked out of the army for kissing another soldier.
I am the teenager who killed myself because I couldn’t take being hated for being me.
I am the homeless man who can’t get a job because I’m a transsexual.
I am the woman who was revered as a goddess in her homeland and now can’t leave her home without being insulted.
I am the father who lost custody of his son because I live with another man.
I am the girl who can’t be herself because she knows people will shun her and push her away.
I am the therapist who watched a patient die slowly for being gay and not confiding in anyone.
I am the mother who kicked her daughter out for getting a sex-change.
I am the person who had the power to help my gay friend but decided not to and had to watch him die from the pain.
I am the preacher who loves a man but says the homosexuality is wrong or I’ll be fired.
I am the policeman who had to solve a case where two men were murdered for being in love.
Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.
6 REASONS NOT TO MESS WITH CHILDREN AND WHY THEY ARE CONSIDERED DIABOLICAL
Girls Don't realize these things;
But most of all
Ladies always complain and gripe to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies, next time you're complaining, maybe look up to see who you're complaining to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
If you're a guy and you agree with this letter, copy and paste into your profile as 'I'm sorry'
If You're one of the FEW girls with enough BALLS to copy and paste this into your profile, and you would never make your guy feel this way, copy and paste into your profile as 'Girls Don't Realize These Things'
Random Funny Stuff
When life hands you a lemon, squirt life in the eye and run like heck.
There are people in Africa that can't afford sarcasm, and yet, you abuse it.
Being mature is overrated.
Being weird is like being normal, only better.
I see regular people!
I'm not clumsy! The floor just hates me.
Boys are like lava lamps, fun to watch but not too bright.
Boys are like Slinky's... useless, but fun to watch fall downstairs
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is full.
Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.
Life isn't passing me by, its trying to run me over.
When you get caught looking at him just remember he was looking back.
One day, we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject
When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it
They say "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." Well I think the guns help. If you stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.
Silence is golden, duct tape is silver
Make a man a fire, keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire, keep him warm for life
Officer, I swear to Drunk I'm not God!
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then watch the world wonder how you did it.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk
I'm not littering...I'm donating to the Earth
I've got A.D.D and magic markers, oh the thrills I will have! ( I don't really have ADD )
Life is like a pack of gum... I've yet to figure out why.
Be insane... because well behaved girls never made history.
You call me a B--ch well a B--ch is a female dog. A dog barks. Bark is on trees. Trees are a part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So thanks for the compliment :D
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
If your name is Mr. Crunch, and you joined the Navy, would you eventually be Captain Crunch?
Having the love of your life say you can still be friends is like having your dog die and your mom saying you can still keep it
My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil.
Never knock on Death’s door, ring the doorbell and run away, he hates that.
Your weirdness is creeping my imaginary friend out
Last night I looked up at the stars and matched each star to a reason I loved you. I was doing fine till I ran out of stars.
One day your prince will come. Mine? Oh he took a wrong turn, got lost, and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you're a mile away and have their shoes.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.
It's all fun and games until someone get hurt...then its hilarious.
You laugh now because you're older than me by mere months, but when you're 30 and I'm still 29, who will be laughing then?
Never go to bed angry, stay up and plot your revenge.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
AA is for quitters!
"My mind works like lightning...one brilliant flash and it's gone."
"If the opposite of 'pro' is 'con', then what's the opposite of 'progress'?"
Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
"Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
Her name was Auroura
Her dad was a drunk
Her only friend
She always talked to it
Until her parents
A bruise on her leg
But she grabs her bear
She sits in the corner
Such a bad life
Then one night
Then her mom suddenly
She thrusted the blade
The mom walked out
Police showed up
One officer slowly
It must have been bad
if u hate child abuse, post this on ur profile!!
Truth is always stranger then fiction.
death is but a door...it swings both ways.
I like the insanity but stop the stupidity!
order is for the stupid true geniuses live in chaos.
death is for those with nothing better to do.
in the end the world as we know it dosen't exist.
This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force!
Those who live by the sword get shot by those that don't.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party!
When life gives you lemons, give them back and DEMAND CHOCOLATE.
When life gives you lemons, give them back and demand cash.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
LOOK MA, NO BRAIN!
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
Suicide is a way of telling God, "YOU CAN'T FIRE ME,I QUIT!"
Death is a way of God telling you not to be a wise guy.
If at first you don't succeed, then destroy all evidence that you tried.
That which doesn't kill you...will probably try again.
Its tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
Don't play dumb with me, I'll always win.
Always forgive your enemies-nothing annoys them so much.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.
Evening news is where they tell you 'good evening' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Join the army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
When you’re right, no one remembers, when you’re wrong, no one forgets.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Insanity is hereditary, you get it from your kids.
They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
3 kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
A day without sunshine, is like, night.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
BAD COP!NO DONUT!
Confucius say: "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot!"
Corduroy Pillows: they’re making headlines!
Do not play leap frog with a unicorn.
Elvis has left the planet.
Florida: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks.
Horn broken: watch for Finger!
I have the Body of a god...Buddha...
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail… but a true friend will be sitting next to you saying “damn…that was fun”
333 I’m only half evil
Don’t take live too seriously. It isn’t permanent
I don’t have a drinking problem I get drunk I pass out no problem.
Yesterday is another country, Borders are now closed.
I’ll be a marshmallow peep, Smash me nuts captain.
I don’t play dumb, I always lose.
Nutter then a fruitcake.
Right now I've got amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
When choosing between two evils I always like to go for the one I've never tried before.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Be kind to your offspring. They get to choose your nursing home.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
Cancer cures smoking.
Constipated people don't give a crap.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Do old men wear boxers or briefs? - Depends.
Don't steal. The government hates the competition.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend but he left me before we met.
I bet I can stop gambling.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Vegetarians taste better.
I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to.
Elvis shot JFK.
So many people...so few comets.
Comfort the disturbed. Disturb the comfortable.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
You non-conformists are all alike.
Love: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools.
Pride is what we have. Pity is what others have.
Forget about world peace . . . visualize using your turn signal.
Sex is like pizza, when it's bad it's still kinda good.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of "smart."
Jesus loves you! But everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
Spandex: A privilege, not a right.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else
At a nudist wedding everyone can see who the best man is.
Caution: I know karate...and six other Chinese words.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
Never visit a doctor who can't keep her office plants alive.
Dyslexics of the world unite!
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" . . . until you can find a rock.
Follow your dream! (Unless it's the one where you're at work only wearing underwear during a fire drill.)
Forecast for tonight: dark.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator but I never got around to it.
I don't get even, I get odder.
If marriage was outlawed only outlaws would have in-laws.
If Noah had been truly wise, he would have swatted those two flies.
Don't drink and park. Accidents cause people.
If your nose runs and your feet smell you were probably built upside down.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
"Auntie Em: Hate you; hate Kansas, taking the dog." - Dorothy
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
In just two days tomorrow will be yesterday.
Last night I played a blank tape full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
I'm not broke I'm just having an out of money experience.
My inferiority complex is not nearly as good as yours.
Ignoring bullshit is wrong, bullshit makes the flowers grow, and that's beautiful.
If you can't baffle them with brilliance, befuddle them with bullshit.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
. I intend to live forever. So far, so good
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough
Quantum Mechanics: the stuff dreams are made of
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
24 hours in a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
If you choke a Smurf what color does it turn'?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested. Charged with battery
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once. Never opened. Small stain
OK, so what's the speed of dark'?
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Someday we'll look back on all this, and plough into a parked car.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he/she isn't there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing him/her again.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the Escape key.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo
If you're going to do something wrong, have fun doing it.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP
A true friend stabs you in the front
Cry me a river, build a bridge, and jump off it.
I take a simple view of living. it is to keep your eyes open and get on with it.
You can't say that civilization doesn't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
To some, death may be a blessing, to others, a vice. Me? I think death is a necessity.
They condemn what they do not understand
There are a few ways to silence the screams. Bullets happen to be one of the more efficent methods.
Too often we lose sight of life's simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown, BUT, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap that motherfucker upside the head. Pass it on.
What if the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about?
Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box?
Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why Doctors call what they do "practice"?
Some people are like Slinkies. They're really good for nothing. But they still really bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
I used to be indicisive, now I'm not sure
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care
If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Your just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
A good friend helps you up when you fall down. A best friend laughs and trips you again. Or sits on you back and forces you to stay down...
A good friend will comfort you when he rejects you. A best friend will go up and ask him, "It's because you're gay, isn't it?"
A good friend will be there for you when he breaks up with you. A best friend will prank call him and whisper, " You will die in seven days..."
A good friend helps you up when you fall. A best friend keeps on walking saying, "Walk much?"
A good friend helps you find your prince. A best friend kidnaps him and brings him to you.
A good friend gives you their umbrella in the rain. A best friend takes yours and says, "Run - beep - run!"
A good friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move the bodies.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A best friend would be in the room next to you saying, "That was awesome! Let's do it again!"
A good friend never asks for anything to eat or drink. A best friend Helps themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
A good friend call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa. A best friend Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
A good friend asks you to write down your number. A best friend Has you on speed dial.
A good friend borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back. A best friend Loses your junk and tells you, "My bad...here's a tissue."
A good friend only know a few things about you. A best friend Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story...
A good friend Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing. A best friend Will kick the whole crowds butt that left you.
A good friend Would knock on your front door. A best friend will Walk right in and say "I'M HOME."
A good friend will help me find my way when I'm lost. A best friend will be the one messing with my compass, stealing my map and giving me bad directions
A good friend will help me learn to drive. A best friend will help me roll the car into the lake so I can collect insurance.
A good friend will watch my pets when I go away. A best friend won't let me go away without them.
A good friend will go to a concert with me. A best friend will kidnap the band with me.
A good friend hides me from the cops. A best friend is probably the reason they are after me in the first place.
A good friend lets me make an idiot of myself in public. A best friend is up there with me making an idiot out of herself too.
A good friend is only through school/college. A best friend is for life.
The dinosaurs' extinction wasn't an accident. Barney came and they all committed suicide.
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you.
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
I called your boyfriend gay, And he hit me with his purse...
What not to say to a police man..."can you hold my beer while I get out my licence?" "I thought you had to be in good shape to be a cop." "You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"
When a police man asks if you knew how fast you were going don't say, "You should know moron your the one who pulled me over!" but it is okay to think it.
There are two kinds of Pedestrians in the world; The quick and the dead!!
Sarcasm is your bodies natural defense against stupid!
Heaven dosn't want me and Hell's afraid I'll take over
Marraige is finding the special someone to annoy for the rest of your life!
I don't do perky!
I didn't say it was your fault! I said I was going to blame you!!
I'd tell you to go to Hell but I work there and I don't want to see you everyday!!
My computer beat me at chess however is was no match for me at kickboxing!
There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people!
Never underestimate stupid peope in large numbers!
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happend to her ears and she answered, " I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear,".
Ways to Annoy people at the movie theater:
Throw popcorn in the air and yell, "It's snowing!"
Go, "Oooooh..." whenever anyone kisses.
Clap when the good guy gets killed.
During the previews, yell, "Can you fast-forward it?"
Whenever the bad guy is doing something devious, say, "Watch out!"
Laugh very loudly at all the corny jokes.
Tell the man selling popcorn that the bathroom is flooding.
Yell out what is going to happen.
Wear a cape and when its your turn to get popcorn yell, "I'm Batman! Hahaha!" and run away.
Say that they cannot sit next to you because you invisible friend already is.
Dress for every movie as if it were the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Use empty chairs next to you as catapults with candy. Aim at specific people behind you and see if you can hit anyone in the back row.
Wear 3D glasses. Complain loudly how bad the effects are.
Bring a flashlight. In the middle of the film do shadow puppets on the ceiling.
Bring a remote control. Complain that you can't change the channel.
Sit front row, the minute the movie starts run out screaming.
Every time a character's name is mentioned do the Richmeister. (for a guy named Nick say, the Nickmeister, the Nickenator, Nickarino...)
Bring a beach ball. Toss it around.
Try to start a wave.
Become a bookie. Take bets on who will die first.
Sit in the back and throw eggs at the projection window.
Every time someone curses cover your ears and scream, "No profanity!"
Sing with the theme music.
Bring and use your own air freshener.
At the ticket booth, request tickets for really old movies, "I'll have two tickets for the Goonies."
Throw spit wads on the screen. Try throwing them on the upper part of the screen so they can't get scraped off.
Pass around a collection plate and see if anyone contributes.
Point a laser pointer at the screen. Give the audience a laser light show.
Bring a book and a bright light. Start reading the book with the light on. When someone asks you to turn out the light, yell, "Shh, I'm trying to read!"
Use binoculars. Stare at the audience rather than the movie.
Bring a Nintendo laser gun. Shoot at the screen.
Clap loudly every time a person walks into the theater late.
When someone kicks the back of your chair, scream, "Ahhh, whiplash!"
Ask what the theater's return policy on popcorn is.
Ask the person at the ticket window, "Do you work here?"
Start a standing ovation at the end of the movie.
Quote all dialogue 4 seconds after it is said on the screen.
Get up frequently and leave the room while singing "Let's all go to the Lobby to get ourselves a treat"
Every time there is a gun shot scream, "Hit the floor!", jump on the floor, and cover your head.
Wear one of those "cat in the hat" top hats.
Play musical chairs, getting up frequently and moving right next to someone sitting by themself.
Bring your own beanbag chair and sit in the aisle.
Before the movie begins, tape fart cusions to various chairs in the theater room.
Bring a portable air popper, pop your own popcorn.
Bring a watergun and shoot it at anyone who begins talking then say very loudly, "SHH!"
Before the commercials start and people are just coming in and shout so that people outside can hear, "I'M SO VERY SORRY! YOU'RE TOO LATE!"
Tie a cardboard box around your waist and walk up and down the aisles shouting "Get your popcorn, peanuts!"
Cough really loudly right at the most important part of the movie, so nobody can hear it, like when the killer's name is going to be said.
Laugh hysterically during the sad parts in the movie, cry during the funny ones.
Bring a pager or cellphone and set them off every 5 minutes, you can also set off a watch alarm if you have a loud one.
Say "Shhhhh" every 5 minutes.
Pass by a room that's showing a movie you've already seen, put your head into the room, and scream the end
1. I will NOT sing “We’re off to see The Wizard” when I am sent to the headmasters office.
2. Dobby is NOT Yoda is disguise.
3. He is NOT Gollum either.
4. I will NOT bring a magic-8-ball to Divination Class.
5. My homework was NOT eaten by a werewolf. Especially when my teacher is Professor Lupin.
6. I will NOT tell the first years to make a tree-house in the Whomping Willow.
7. I will NOT give Lupin a flea collar.
8. Nor will I leave dog-biscuits on his desk.
9. If a classmate falls asleep I will NOT take advantage of this and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
10. Starting a betting-pool on the fate of this year’s Defence against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky. It is NOT a clever money-making concept.
11. I do NOT have a Dalek Patronus.
12. I will NOT teach House-Elves to impersonate Jar-Jar Binks.
13. Shouting “To Infinity and Beyond!” was only funny the first time I took off on a broom.
14. I will NOT refer to the summoning charm (Accio) as “The Force”.
15. “Springtime for Voldemort” is NOT an appropriate title for the school production.
16. I will NOT greet Prof. McGonagall with “What’s new Pussy-cat?”.
17. I will NOT send shampoo to Snape’s office, no matter how badly he needs it.
18. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0" is not a valid T-shirt slogan.
19. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Death Eaters.
20. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "My Little Pony."
21. No matter how funny it is I will NOT leave kitty litter in Prof. McGonagall’s office. (scratch office, leave it on her desk!?)
22. I will NOT dress up as Lord Voldemort for Halloween.
23. I will NOT ask Harry Potter if his “Scar-Senses” are tingling.
24. I will NOT call Dumbledore Santa Claus. Even if it is Christmas.
25. I will NOT tell Voldemort to “Get a life”.
26.I will NOT tell Draco Malfoy to 'make like a ferret and bounce'
"An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctors cute, screw the fruit"
I am NOT saying your stupid...I'm just implying it.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
Yes, I hit like a girl. You could too if you hit a bit harder
Men are like a deck of cars: you need a heart to love them, a diamond to marry them, a club to beat them, and a spade to bury the bastard
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Your just jealous because the voices only talk to me...hehehehe...
If you don't like me then remember, its mind over matter: i dont mind and you don't matter
they say true love hides behind every corner: i must be walking in circles!
People like you are the reason we have middle fingers
When life gives you lemons throw them at the mean people and hope it gets them in the eyes
i couldn't repair your brakes so i made your horn louder
Someday we'll look back at this and plow into a parked car
If the sky is the limit, then what is space?
if olive oil comes from olive's then where does baby oil come from?
if quitters never win, and winners never quit, how can it be good to 'quit while your ahead?'
Isn't Disney World just a people trap operated by a mouse?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?
Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a veggie?
Why do people say, "You can't have your cake and eat it too"? Why would someone get cake if they can't eat it?
Roses are red,
STRESS: A condition brought on by over-riding the bodies natural desire to choke the living daylights out of some jerk who desperately deserves it.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
WARNING: DO NOT follow in my footsteps...I tend to walk into walls and off the occasional cliff
The person who smiles when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Never argue with an idiot. They'll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.
A wise man once said, "Ask a girl."
When in doubt, push random buttons!
You wanna know why God created man before woman? Every masterpiece needs a rough draft!
There are three kinds of people. Those who learn by reading, a few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to test the electric fence for themselves.
Just when I think you've said the stupidest thing ever you just keep on talking
An idiot is a 44th floor window washer who steps back to admire his work.
They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance.
Why be difficult, when with just a little bit of effort, you can be impossible?
They say the truth will set you free. Then why is it every time I tell the truth, I get sent to my room?
Keep smiling; it makes people wonder what you're up to.
Some say the glass is half full, some say it's half empty, I say, "Seriously? It's just a glass of water!"
The trouble with life, is there's no background music.
A clean house is a sign of a broken computer!
But boys are like wine; They need to have the mess kicked out of them and be left to mature for a while before they become something you are able to have a meal with.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I'm not insensitive, I just don't care.
I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
If you're going to go down, go down with style. Failing your final exam can actually be an amusing experience, depending on what you make of it. Here are some suggestions...
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you start to hold your mouth and make "I'm about to bring something up" sounds.).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!"
Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FROM ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out, too) and staple them to the exam with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play Frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Try this, it's quite intertaining
If someone asks "Is this okay" you say?
What would best describe your personality?
What do you like in a guy/girl?
How do you feel today?
What's your life's purpose?
What is your motto?
What do your friends think of you?
What do you think about very often?
What do you think of your best friend(s)?
What do you think of the person you like?
What is your life story?
What do your parents think of you?
What will you dance to at your wedding?
What will they play at your funeral?
What do you think of your friends?
What's the worst thing that could happen?
How will you die?
What is one thing you regret?
What makes you laugh?
What makes you cry?
Will you ever get married?
What scares you the most?
Does anyone like you?
If you could go back in time, what would you change?
The next song will be your subject?
If your life was a Movie, What Would the Sound Track Be?
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
Opening Credits: Don't be a fool
Waking Up: Locked out of heaven
First Day At School: I got nerve
Falling In Love: Live the dream
Fight Song: Let me love you
Breaking Up: Keep holding on
Prom night: Telephone
Life: Me against the music
Mental Breakdown: We are people
Driving: Bottums up
Flashback: Start all over
Getting back together: All that
Wedding: Girl in a country song
Birth of Child: When I look at you
Final Battle: On the brightside
Funeral Song: Like this
Final Credits: If I die young